Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Radiance ❯ Radiance ( Chapter 1 )

Title: [Radiance]

Author: HeeroDuo1x2x1

Genre: Angst

Pairing: 1 2 all the way, baby!

Warnings: Cussing, angst, plans for suicide, Heero POV, some mild OOCness, one-shot,

Disclaimer: As per usual, myself and my army of magical faerie people do not own the wonderfulness of Gundam Wing. In fact, I don't even own the soundtracks nor do I own a copy of any of the DVDs because I am broke and can't afford it. I do, however, own this little story, and I'm only borrowing the G-boys to play with do a bit.

Babble: I should be working on WB or even AaC, but I don't feel like it right now. So instead, I wrote this. Yeah. Anywho... ONWARD, FAITHFUL READER! (p.s. I'm aware it's not up to my usual standards, but Astarte [teh muse, not the WB character] was high and gorging on all the Pocky I gave her. So blame her.)

[Radiance]

It was a beautiful day. Not hot, but a nice even temperature to go with a radiant blue sky.

It was the perfect day to die.

I held my hand up to the sky, examining it's eclipsed image in the brilliant sunlight. My lightly tanned skin looked strange to me, but I knew that it wouldn't matter by the end of the day. I wasn't going to see the sunset, I'd decided the night before. I wasn't going to see that shimmering purple twilight that never failed to remind me of him, of his amethyst eyes and flowing chestnut hair and his flawless ivory skin. I didn't want to be reminded of him before I prepared to swallow the highly concentrated cyanide I'd stolen, didn't want to hesitate in what I'd planned to do all because of unrequited love. I knew he didn't give a shit about me, I knew he was just one of those people who cared about everyone and liked to make his surroundings more amusing. He didn't see me as anything more than just another person to make laugh, and no matter how much I tried to ignore it, it hurt. It hurt that I was just another person, that all the times he'd tried to get me to smile or laugh, all the times he'd crack jokes or spend time with me was because he felt sorry for me, for my emotionless state. I'd heard him say it himself, that he felt sorry for me. He didn't know I'd over heard them, and I didn't bother to listen to everything; I'd heard enough.

He didn't know why I was packed and ready to leave the next day. He had no idea why I had shut down to the point that my eyes were empty, vacant except for a small point of smouldering rage.

"Heero? Where are you going?" He manoeuvred his way in front of me, those damn purple eyes trying to drill a hole in me. I shot a cold glare at him, pushing him aside.

"Get out of my way, Maxwell."

"Fuck, Heero, that hurt." His exclamation of pain almost made me falter. I didn't want to hurt him, but my fury outweighed my guilt.

"I don't care."

He looked like he'd been slapped, but I knew it was an act. My words didn't bother him, not really. I was just another project, and his feelings for me were as deep as a puddle. I ranked lower on his friend list than a pet rock. I was nothing. "W-what?"

"Listen, Maxwell, I don't need your pity and I most definitely don't want it." I snarled, my glare becoming harsher as my internal resolve crumbled as his face looked torn to pieces, "I want to leave."

That beaten puppy expression remained on his face as he moved sluggishly out from the doorway, letting me pass. I stormed out and didn't look back.

Things went downhill from there. The apartment I'd been staying in was to be torn down to build condos, and all tenants were evicted. My Chevy was totalled, and all my things had been destroyed in the accident. I was homeless, jobless, and transportationless. So I spent my time in the park, staring up at the sky and plotting my eventual demise because death had to be better than the shitty life I was leading after the wars. My only possession, a beat up duffel bag, held my poison of choice, pure cyanide, as well as the few clothes I'd been able to pilfer from the local YMCA's lost and found table. I felt like garbage for stealing like that, but in the end it wouldn't matter anyway.

I'd decided I wanted to die with the sun shining down on my body in the grass. I wanted the last thing I felt to be the reassuring warmth of the sun and the last thing I saw to be it's radiance. So far my plan was working out fine, and I knew the sooner I got this over with the better, but I couldn't bring myself to pull the duffel out from behind my head. I just wanted to bask in the light for a bit longer, to hope that maybe it would pull me out of the dark places I'd been trapped in. I sighed, dropping my arm to the grass with a soft phwft sound. I wasn't having doubts, I couldn't have been having doubts so close to the end. Thinking that maybe I'd misunderstood what my comrades had been saying, thinking that maybe I wasn't just a person to Duo. While those thoughts did cross my mind, they only hardened my resolve to pull the cyanide from my bag and to ingest as much of it as I could without throwing it back up.

My hands shook as I opened the duffel, digging around inside of it for what I wanted. I would have pulled it out, if it hadn't been for the sound of approaching footsteps. I shoved the container back into the bag and rezipped it, turning to see who was coming near me. My blood ran cold as I saw who it was. I bet his did, too, when he realized who it was who sat in the grass only 10 feet before him. I snorted and turned away, reaching back into my bag and pulling the poison out. Good. He can watch me die. I tear the little zip-lock baggy open and stare at the contents for a moment; I hear Duo's quickened footsteps get closer. I lifted the contents towards my mouth and prepared to die.

Or rather, would have, had it not been for the fact that the bastard knocked the bag out of my hands, the cyanide powder spilling out into the grass. I cursed under my breath, turning to glare at the chestnut haired asshole. I wasn't prepared for the punch he swung my way, but I didn't hesitate in hitting him back. There was a struggle, my trying to get him off of me, and him trying to pin me down. To my astonishment, he won. I was trapped beneath him as he straddled me and looked as though he was close to tears. His expression stung me, and I wondered why the hell I still cared about him so much despite the fact he didn't give a shit about me.

"Dammit, Yuy! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" His voice cracked, his left hand pounded onto my chest, "What the hell are you thinking?!"

I sneered, "Why the hell do you care?"

"I care because you're my friend, you bastard!"

"If friendship from you means pity then I don't want any of it." My voice was dark, empty.

Duo's expression travelled from rage to confusion almost instantly, "Why the hell do you keep talking about pity?" I tried pushing him off of me, but he only pressed himself tighter against me, "Answer me, Yuy."

"It's the only reason you still associate with me."

"What are you talking about?!" Duo exclaimed, leaning in close to my face, "That's bullshit! I associate with you because I'm the only idiot big enough to love your anti-social ass, you fuckhead. I don't feel sorry for you!"

I flinched, his outburst causing my head to hurt, "Don't lie to me, Duo! I heard you telling Winner that you felt sorry for me, I fucking heard you!"

Duo's anger reddened face paled a little, "Is that what this is all about, the fact that I was saying I felt sorry for you having to deal with Relena?"

I blanched, "Nani?"

"You're an idiot, Heero. A big fucking idiot." Duo spat, rolling off of me and onto the ground next to me. His arm covered mine, "Why the hell would you think that I only keep you around 'cause I pity you?"

I was silent. I'd been wrong that entire time, simply running off of assumptions. "I..."

"Gods, why the hell is that a big enough reason to try to kill yourself?" Duo's voice lost it's anger, taking on a sad quality that stung worse than the anger. I'd been stupid, hadn't realized he wasn't just treating me the same as everyone else.

"There was more to it than that."

"What a few issues with home and money? Shit, Heero, everyone has problems like that. They're not the greatest reasons to die over." His hand clutched mine in an unfaltering grip, and I couldn't find the strength to push him away.

"How did you know?"

I heard him sigh, "I tried calling you to try and reconcile, because I'd gotten worried. No one had heard from you, and it freaked me out, but your line had been disconnected and your apartment building was, well, gone." He paused, "I also saw your car out in front of the high school, part of those 'drunk driving kills' campaigns. I was terrified something had happened to you, so I did some looking and found out some poor pharmacist had been cleaned out of his cyanide and I thought, 'Shit, this is probably Heero.' So I went looking for you."

I glanced at him, "Looks like you found me."

"Yeah. Look, Heero, you gotta think, man. Don't just jump to conclusions. What if I hadn't gotten here when I did? What if you were dead? D'ya really think it would have made a difference?" I hadn't expected the panicked quality to his voice.

I thought about it, but no matter what reasoning I put behind it or outcome I came up with, it wasn't worth it. I whispered, "No."

"Exactly. I probably would have been right behind you." He sounded sad, and I turned to look at him.

"Why?"

He sat up and pulled me up with him, "Because I love you, you idiot. A world without you wouldn't be worth it."

My eyes grew wide, but my face otherwise remained stoic. He loved me. I didn't think it was possible, but he had said it himself. "Why?"

"I don't know, I just... do. Hell, even when you pull stunts like this. Maybe this sort of thing makes me love you more." He gestured to the spilled poison, a thoughtful look on his face.

I leaned forward, resting my head on his shoulder, "You're serious?"

"Run, hide, never lie, remember?"

I smiled ever-so-slightly, my anguish over an imaginary pity and a bad luck streak fading to nothingness, "I'm glad."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I leaned back, "I'm sorry for doubting you."

"S'okay. Just don't do it again. Remember, I love you and that comes with forgiveness and all that jazz." He straightened my shirt collar, and I stared at him. How could I have thought what I did?

"I love you, too." I whispered softly, moving in to chastely kiss Duo's lips, a kiss he returned just as softly. I slowly pulled back, and found myself enthralled. His smile was brighter than the sun, and I wanted to bask in it forever.

I'd been an idiot in thinking that he didn't give a shit; deep down, I knew I was just being insecure and ridiculous. It took him punching me and pinning me to the ground to realize it, to realize how lucky I was to have him as a comrade, as a friend, and, eventually, as a lover, and I wouldn't trade that love for anything in the world.

- Owari

[A/N]: Woo-hoo! That took me less than 2 hours to spit out! It's a little choppy, but hey, it's a one shot and it's actually FINISHED. My angst muse finally decided she was going to do her job and showed up at around 11:30 PM in hopes of getting some Pocky in return for writing juice. :Astarte bows and cackles evilly while devouring Pocky: She has received her Pocky and will probably leave soon. But hey! She also helped me finish chapter 8 of Organic, posted simultaneously with this! w00t! :heart: Oh, and I couldn't remember which was deadlier, cyanide or arsenic... so I went with cyanide because it sorta ryhmes with suicide. :shrugs: Me and my logic.