Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Reflections of the heart ❯ Reflections of the heart ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam boys or any other character from the series.

Warnings: Slight emotional angst

Pairings: 3x4

Rating: AU/ Quatre's POV / NC17

Author: Ryouga.

Authors note: Thanks to ShenLong my ever-faithful beta reader for beta-ing and helping with the title of this fic. This was originally meant to be a song fic. However my muses once again decided to change their indecisive little minds. >_<

Date: 07/24/2003

Title: Reflections of the heart

I don't care any more!

At least that's what I try to make myself believe as I wake from another restless and lonely night. With the morning light shining into the room I slowly turn to face the empty space where you used to lay next to me and sigh deeply. It's been eight weeks since you and I parted ways.

The argument we had, had scaled out of proportion, both of us saying harsh things we didn't mean and both too stubborn to say I'm sorry. You acted like nothing was wrong even though we both knew different. You left that night without a word, not even a note and I have felt the pain and hurt in your heart every day as it constantly collides with my own, causing me to spend many a restless night worrying myself sick over you.

It's my own fault.

I mistrusted you and I never took the time to find out the real reason why you were always spending so much time away from home. At first I thought you were seeing some one else and I panicked, verbally attacking you without so much as a thought for your feelings or emotions, accusing you of being unfaithful, a liar and it was so unfair of me to judge you. And now, I honestly don't know if I can face up to today, I still feel so guilty about it all.

When you called last night and asked if we could meet to talk, I had agreed somewhat nervously and my heart had pounded furiously. I don't know what I was thinking when I told you we could talk here. I pull myself out of bed and struggling to stay focused, drag my tired body towards the bathroom.

I feel so drained.

I'm so nervous and my whole body is trembling with anxiety and fear. Maybe after a hot shower I'll feel a little better and my mind will clear itself enough for me to think straight. I try not to think about things too much for now, and I relax slightly enough to focus my feelings and emotions on the present moment.

It helps that the water is so soothing as I stand underneath the torrid spray of water, letting it run down over my face to wash away the tears that fall unhappily from my eyes; although, why I feel so unhappy is beyond me, after all I get to see you again and a person can change so much in eight weeks but I have no doubts whatsoever in my mind that you will still be the same old Trowa that left.

I was such a fool.

I turn the taps off tightly and step out of the shower. Pulling on my robe and reaching for the nearest towel to dry my hair and face with, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and sometimes I wonder just who it is that I'm looking at whenever I see those eyes staring back at me.

My behavior was disgraceful and I feel more ashamed of myself now than I ever have, because I never once imagined that I could be the distrustful type, or that I could say all those hurtful words that I threw at you. We had done so much together; been through so much together over the past few years and *I* threw it all away in less than one singular, insecure moment. I didn't mean to be so thoughtless and cruel.

You'll arrive soon.

Another sigh escapes my lips as I wander back into the bedroom to dress. A thousand and one confused thoughts are running through my head. And even now as you make your way here I'm afraid of facing you, just as I can sense that you are afraid of facing me. It's exhausting!

The closer you get the more I can feel your pain and confusion, your fear and emotions and they sprint through my heart, tearing at it and pulling it apart relentlessly. I dress myself as quickly as I possibly can, it won't be long now. Gathering what's left of my composure I wander aimlessly through the house heading for the kitchen and I put the kettle on. I'm sure you'll want tea when you arrive and if you don't, at least I have juice as back up.

The anxiety.

I'm so nervous that I'm making stupid jokes to calm my nerves. I don't need to be doing this right now. It's neither the time nor place and my stupidity is what got in the way before. I refuse to let it destroy what chance I have to apologize for my arrogance and pathetic display of human emotion.

Human emotion; sometimes I hate it. It's such a strong and powerful weapon; neither gun nor sword can shoot nor strike at something as fragile as the soul with out shattering it into thousands of miniscule fragments; and words, once tossed carelessly about are imminently hard to withdraw. I truly wish I could take back the intense hurt that radiated from within those sorrowful green eyes as you retaliated with insults of your own.

I lost control.

You managed to keep your cool, even as you returned fire, while I acted like a complete and utter idiot. Why you even want to speak to me or see me again is beyond my reckoning. Although I had hoped in my heart you would contact me, I know that even *I* would despise me if I had said any of those things to myself in that situation.

I still don't know why I became so hostile. I have no real sane reasoning for it. I was upset and jealous; of what or who, I don't know. Maybe it was my space heart developing in the places that I have tried so hard to avoid. The negative emotions that are destructive and unpleasant I tend to keep shut away and I realize now that I shouldn't have forced them into the cavernous depths of my soul.

I hear you knock.

The kettle whistles its finishing tune in time with your arrival. I get up, my heart pounding so hard that I feel as if it's going to succeed in its attempts to escape from the imprisonment of my chest. My movements seem sluggish and surreal, everything around me fades into a blur as I move towards the front door, knowing, that in less than a moment *you* would be just inches away from me.

Reaching for the door handle I turn it slowly and holding my breath I finally pull it open. I can see it's you, but I turn back to face the interior of the house to invite you in and my eyes can't bring themselves to meet yours. I'm too afraid of what I might see in them. I watch and then follow as you make your way into the living room, seating yourself on the couch.

Silence.

It seems you and I both are at a loss for words at this particular moment in time. I sit on the arm of the single seater and stare at the kitchen, while your focus falls to the floor. You fidget and I decide it's now or never. "Tea?" I randomly blurt out. Not exactly what had in mind first off, but you nod and the ice seems to be a little thinner.

I leave the living room and head into the kitchen to begin the tea making ritual. My mind is once again swimming with thoughts as I frantically search for something productive to say and I'm failing brilliantly. I reach for the kettle only to yelp in fright as your arms suddenly wrap around my waist and your neck nuzzles into mine. I gasp and freeze on the spot in absolute shock, not knowing what action to take next.

You're so warm.

I can feel your heartbeat against my back and I nervously swallow. I'm confused and bewildered, shocked and surprised. This is not the way I had imagined today would start. I can still feel all your emotions, the fear is still there but you don't let it show outwardly and I tremble just knowing that you obviously still love me after all that I said and regaining my courage to face you I turn and throw myself into your arms.

"I never meant it Trowa. I take it all back, everything I said, and everything I accused you of." You pull me as close to you as you can and hold me tightly, letting me continue my incessant rambling. "I never meant to hurt you. Honestly I didn't, and I'm so ashamed of myself for doubting your loyalty, please come back!!" You smile.

"I've missed you."

These three words are my final undoing and I can no longer hold back the tears, sobbing freely into your chest. I had planned to be strong but it seems that I have been reduced to nothing but a trembling mess. I try to speak but you silence me with a kiss and I am now, as always, putty in your hands. I find myself sighing happily as you break the kiss just as gently as you began it, looking into my tear stained eyes.

The shame of what I said is still evident there as you wipe away my tears so tenderly. "It's alright Quatre." I barely hear you say as my mind buzzes with confusion. You run your fingers through my hair and I sigh. It's been so long since you did that. "I was partly to blame." You admit. "And my stubbornness, Quatre, is as prominent as yours."

I laugh a little.

"That's more like the Quatre I know." You exclaim cheerfully as I brighten up. I wanted to explain back then what was happening." You continue. "Why I was away so much. But I…" I quickly silence him, gently placing a finger over his lips and shaking my head. "It doesn't matter now. Not any more, not to me."

I smile. "I trust you. No need for explanations." You start to chuckle and I find myself wondering what could be so entertainingly amusing. You smirk cheekily at me and my curiosity is aroused. I raise an eyebrow at you and you laugh even more as I take a small step back from your embrace and fold my arms, trying not to break into too much of a smile. You mimic my actions teasing me a little.

I pout playfully.

You advance slowly towards me, bailing me up against the bench. I blush slightly as your arms once again lay claim to my waist and I feel that I can relax a little now as I sense that the fear in you has almost withdrawn and the hurt and pain, though it still lingers, and it will for some time yet, is not as strong as it was before. Of that I'm glad.

I hurt you so badly yet, you have come back to me, forgiven me unconditionally. I feel so unworthy of your love and even though you returned to see me of your own free will, I still remain a little confused and I stand here in your arms trying to figure out why. And I had to ask. "Why did you come?" It would have plagued me if I hadn't. You smile at me, softly caressing my cheek with your thumb.

I close my eyes.

"Does there have to be a reason?" You whisper as you nibble on my ear. I gasp a little. It's so heavenly just to feel your touch over my skin. I've missed your soft, gentle caresses, they soothed me at night when sleep was difficult to achieve. I gaze up into your face studying it thoroughly before answering your question. "Only if you want there to be one." I reply.

You hug me tightly to you and I am content just to be in your arms once more. I hear you sigh as you rest the column of your neck against my head. "I have the reason for returning right here in my arms." I swallow back the lump that has worked its way into my throat and I hold onto you for dear life. "Why, Trowa?" I ask you. "Why do you still love me?" I look into your eyes, holding your gaze.

"I don't deserve you."

You smile and then I find myself in your arms as you carry me towards the bedroom. My heart is racing and I'm nervous again. It's been a while since you and I made love in this room together. I'm blushing madly now as you lay me gently onto the bed. I don't know what to expect from you, there's a new look in your eyes, one that I haven't seen before.

It's a softer, more gentle look and I like it, but you've always been gentle with me. Even now after everything that's happened, you still treat me like I'm the most important thing in your life. I watch you as you shut the curtains and pull down the covers on the opposite side of the bed to me and randomly wonder if you can hear the thunderous pounding of my heart.

It's confusing.

I'm trying to recall how all *this* happened again. You and I fought. I was a right royal jerk. You left. I hated myself. Eight weeks later you call me wanting to talk. I agreed. Now, you and I are here in the bedroom and I'm shaking like a leaf that's about to fall off the branch as you stand quietly by my side at the edge of the bed looking down at me. It's incredible just to feel the strength of the love that you have for me. God! It's so overwhelming.

You crawl over next to me and begin removing your clothes. I'm trying not to watch, but it's hard to avoid not taking a peek when you still remember every inch of a lovers torso in *detail*. You drop your shirt to the floor and then remove your pants. God!! I'd almost forgotten how gorgeous you were. Shame on me!!

My cheeks are burning.

I really believe that I could pass for a tomato at this point in time, or maybe a fire engine. I'm sure anything with a darker shade of red than me would perhaps be a miracle find right now. I suddenly start wondering if you'll notice the abstract shades of red that color my cheeks. Damn it! I can't help it I have to look and you are well and truly naked and I now find myself faced with a new situation.

I'm up next, if you'll pardon the pun. I have to say however, that things have certainly taken a different road than I thought they would today. I was so sure it was going to be full of heartbreak and such but you sure threw things way out in my daily planner. Not that I'm complaining of course. I'm happy that you and I have worked things out.

Well almost everything.

I grin as you struggle with the buttons on my jeans. "Trowa proof." I tease. You laugh and I stop acting like such a prude, helping you undo the last of them. "When will you move back in?" I inquire as you slowly run the tip of your index finger up the middle of my chest causing me to shiver lightly. "I have my things in the car." You grin and I throw my arms around you, kissing you all over your face.

"I've missed you so much, Trowa. Life was so miserable without you." You smile happily at me.

"I'm glad you thought so." You say sincerely. "Because I found it to be equally as miserable with out you. I want to put the past two months behind us and move on." I can't help but smile as you say that and I pull you down to the bed with me in a loving embrace.

It's like a dream.

I still can't believe it. You're here with me, right before my unworthy eyes; a sight that I'm definitely privileged to behold. I feel as if I took you for granted before, expected you to be around and to put up with me. I look up into your radiant face as you smile down at me and I make you a silent promise that I won't allow myself to do that to you any more.

Your hands begin to move swiftly and proficiently over my now naked and vulnerable body. I tremble slightly at the feel of your touch and my barricade falls, defeated, bowing willingly down to your gentle caress. You lean in for a kiss and I more than eagerly oblige, encouraging your lips as they brush just as eagerly, yet, tenderly against my own.

So many memories

You've always known exactly what you need to do in order to awaken the dormant side of my sexuality in lovemaking. It only comes out when you and I are together like this and you are the only one to ever have discovered this *other* side of me. I feel the feathery soft movements of your lips as you nuzzle my neck and the smooth, gliding movement of your hand as it traces down the right side of my thigh.

I close my eyes as your soft, gentle kisses sweep down over my throat and I can't contain the moan that so hastily escapes my lips. I feel a little lightheaded as you continue to caress my skin softly with your tongue, gently maneuvering it on its journey towards its ultimate destination.

The passion

I arch my back, biting down on my lip as your tongue finds it's target and your mouth envelops my throbbing erection. You haven't taken your eyes off me since you began your quest and I can see and feel the passion burning so intensely with in you, like a wildfire raging through the open plains. The warmth of your soft moist lips drives me insane as you slowly and torturously continue to drive me towards ecstasy.

Your free hand refuses to remain idle as you begin to fondle the once softened sac that contain the seeds of my awakening passion and my senses are now heightened beyond the point of no return. Your relentless ministrations have me fully under your spell and I cannot escape the fierce passion that grips me like a vice.

Oh God!

I find myself reaching down, my fingers entangling in your soft silky hair. "Oh God Trowa! Faster please!" I feel the empowered passion building within my loins as I cry out and I'm growing dangerously closer to that time of completion when the mind completely loses focus and the senses are paralyzed by the intense feelings of ecstasy that take over your entire being.

You remain silent the whole time, watching me closely as I begin to buck my hips rhythmically in time with the dedicated ministrations of your mouth and tongue. I can't hold back any more and my hands drop to the bed, gripping the sheets tightly. "Ohhhh god!!" It's happening! "I'm... Ahhh... Trowa I'm, I'm coming!!"

Intensity.

My body trembles violently, then shudders as my hardened erection explodes with a powerfully passionate vengeance, my seed emptying itself from its sanctuary as you finish every last drop that escapes. I catch my breath a little only to have it stolen away again by your kiss. Not that I mind at all and I eagerly respond, wrapping my arms around your thin frame.

You grin at me and sit up for a moment leaning over to the bedside table and opening the drawer and in that moment I know that you have not yet finished with me. I feel my cheeks burn red and my softness begins to yield to its previously hardened state once more as you lean over me, whispering in my ear. "I need you."

The enchantment.

I feel a state of hypnotic calm wash over me and you again claim my lips with your own, your tongue claiming victory for dominance over mine; but I don't attempt to reclaim my mouth as my own, I'm happy for you to be in control. It's something I am comfortably familiar with. A soft sigh of contentment releases itself from my lungs as you gently run your fingers through my hair and with your touch alone I feel like I am whole again.

My thoughts subside as quickly as they began and I realize that I am whimpering in excitement as you gently prepare me for your entrance. Anticipation takes over and I cannot wait to feel you deep inside of me, making love to me with all of your heart and soul.

I feel so alive.

You lift my legs a little and I can feel you positioning yourself gently at my heated cavity. You look lovingly down into my eyes, asking me a silent question and I reply with a slight nod of my head. My heart races as you enter me with your hardened length and I stop all movement on my part, taking a deep breath inwardly and you wait patiently until I can get comfortable and relax before you lose yourself completely, thrusting yourself into me over and over again.

I can't help myself, it's just too much and I cry out your name begging you to thrust faster, deeper, harder inside of me. I have missed being this close to you, missed feeling the passion and love that you hold deep within your heart for me.

Your love is amazing.

Even now I can feel your emotions strongly within my own heart and I wonder as you make love to me how I could ever have doubted your integrity at all. I should have realized that before judging you, before making such awful accusations. Now I need to push the past aside move forward. You're here back in my arms and that's all that matters to me.

My name escapes your lips as your hardened shaft rams itself relentlessly into me making me cry out in exasperation. You reach my tender spot time and time again and I swear that I feel like I could fly off into orbit at any moment now. God! You always were so good at this and I feel like such a love making amateur as I lay here beneath you absorbing the power your love emits.

Infinite faith.

You once told me I could do anything, be anything I wanted to be as long as I believed it. You put your faith in me more than once and I have always believed that it was your conviction in me, your love and guidance that always got me through each challenge that crossed my path. It's not hard to believe in myself when you believe in me too.

My moment of reflective contemplation once again disappears and I moan loudly as you reach down wrapping your hand firmly but gently around my now fully hardened rod of flesh, pumping it in time with your thrusts. You whisper my name telling me how warm and soft I feel inside and I can no longer contain my cries of intimate pleasure as you mercilessly drive us both towards our impending orgasm.

Ultimate pleasure.

My arms reach around your waist, pulling you closer to me, trying to deepen the penetration. I can sense you know what I want and you oblige; your cries of passion exciting me no end and I grasp your waist tightly, helping your thrusts along with my own, bucking my hips forward to meet yours.

"TROWA!! OH GOD!!"

I can feel the end nearing for me and I grasp your body tightly, sensing that your own orgasm is closing in on you as you fight to stay in control. I can feel the heightened sensation of pleasure rushing through my loins and I throw my head back, crying out your name loudly as the seed of my passion explodes over us. I can see you watching my face intensely, seemingly fascinated by the satiated look of rapture that now rests upon it.

Elation.

"Quatre I, I'm… OH GOD!! I'm coming." Your voice remains calm and serene as it always is, even during sex you have such amazing control over your self and I envy you a little, wishing I could find that kind of self-control within myself. You thrust your final thrust, ramming your hardened length deep inside of me and I feel your body shudder, then stiffen over me as you empty the seeds of your labor within me.

Exhausted you collapse onto me, my arms still wrapped around your waist and the two of us lay quietly together, breathing deeply, trying to catch our breath. My heart is still racing as our passion subsides and you slowly and gently remove yourself from within me, rolling off to the side.

Deliberation.

My thoughts collect themselves as you and I recover from the throes of passion we have just encountered and I find myself holding you tightly. I am almost afraid that this moment in time has all been a dream. I am afraid that I will awaken from another restless slumber and you will again be gone from my side.

The only thing that is convincing me that the here and now is real is the sound of your heartbeat and your emotions that I feel emanating strongly from deep within your soul. You turn to me catching my worried gaze with those hypnotic emerald eyes and smile knowingly at me. "It's alright." I hear you whisper in my ear as you gently brush your lips across the bridge of my nose. "I'm not leaving you again. I promise."

Conviction.

Whatever lingering doubts and fears I harbor, disperse with the sincerity of your voice. I am only too grateful to know that I have been granted a second chance and I will love you with all the strength I have to give. I smile happily as your arm falls across my chest, the faintest sigh escapes you as you close your eyes, nuzzling into the contour of the column of my neck and softly I place a kiss upon your head before resting my chin gently against it.

Listening to the change in your breathing as you drift off into a deep and peaceful sleep, I lay awake watching the rise and fall of your chest until I too am no longer able to keep my eyes from closing comforted by the simple notion that in my arms rests the most important part of my world. You are; Trowa Barton…

My love, my life…

My everything....

~Owari~