Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Reflections ❯ Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine, I promise.

Warnings: Sappity sap sap with a teeny bit of angsty flavoring. Quatre POV

Pairings: 3+2, 3+4, 4+5, 1+R (it's hinted at, sort of)

Authors Note: This is another perspective piece for the events that took place in Take the Time and Waiting, this time from Quatre's POV. I actually had not intended to write this, but my daughter threatened my life if I didn't give Quatre's thoughts (he's her fav g-boy) so, I wrote this for her. Hope everyone enjoys it. And no…I am not writing one of these for Wufei.

Have you ever known a relationship was over long before you wanted to admit it? I had known for a long, long time that Trowa and I had drifted so far apart that there was no way we would ever be the same. I knew it was happening at the time, but I did nothing to prevent us from growing farther and farther apart.

For the last year or so that we were together, I spent more and more of my time away from him, using the family business as an excuse. In truth, I no longer wanted to be with him all the time, but I was afraid of letting him go. We had been a couple for so long that I had no idea how to be alone. Trowa and I had practically grown up together, and I think that was part of our problem.

When you grow up, you change. My way of thinking and feeling changed as I aged, until I was no longer sure of what I wanted from a relationship. I enjoyed the closeness that I had with Trowa, but I was craving more. I no longer wanted something that was just comfortable, but something that gave me a sense of adventure. Trowa was exciting in his way, the ability to tame wild animals was always something that entranced me, but his quiet demeanor disturbed me in a way that I couldn't understand.

During the war, I needed that calm manner to ease the pain in my heart and soul. Back then, I depended on him to soothe the aches that battle caused. Now, I wanted the passion that he was unable to give me. I knew that Trowa didn't love me, not the way I needed to be loved, but we had been together for so long I wasn't sure how to be just Quatre any longer. We had been a part of something larger than ourselves, half of a whole, and I wasn't really sure I could be whole on my own any more.

I knew that Trowa loved me, and I was determined never to lose that familiarity, but I also understood that he was no more in love with me than I was him. With me, his emotions were always the same, steady and never changing, care and concern and committed to making me happy. When he was with someone else, however, his emotions bounced around so much that it made me tired. He would go from one end of the emotional scale to the other, the changes so abrupt that it could make my head spin. While his façade always remained the same, inside he was a bundle of contradictions. It angered me in a way that is hard to admit, but I wanted those feelings aimed at me, not someone else.

The worst part of it was that the person he felt that myriad of emotions for felt the same way in return. I wasn't really sure when the change occurred for Duo, but I couldn't be around the two of them together, their emotions exhausting me every time they were near each other.

Neither of them showed how they felt, and that surprised me a great deal. Duo had always been a passionate person, his feelings expressed clearly in his face and actions. I was astounded that he managed to hide how desperately in love he was with Trowa. Trowa, for his part, did not understand what he felt, and I think that was what allowed me to remain by his side for so long even when I knew how he truly felt.

I knew that when Trowa had something he needed to talk about, whether it concerned me or not, he went to Duo. It made me jealous that Trowa, who had once came to me with all of his problems, was now turning to someone else for that reassurance and comfort. I needed someone to talk to, knowing that I could not talk this over with Trowa or Duo, and so I went to the one other person that I thought would understand.

Wufei.

I probably could have spoke to Heero, but he had issues of his own in his new relationship with Relena. Besides, Heero Yuy had never been and would never be an expert in human emotions and interaction. I suppose Relena was an option, but I didn't really feel comfortable speaking to her about something so personal. I couldn't talk to Trowa, as he was the reason for most of my confusion and Duo was already conflicted enough about what he felt.

So that left Wufei. It was strange that I thought of him to begin with, as we had never really been close, not during the wars and definitely not afterwards. Unlike the rest of us, Wufei was a loner, preferring to be alone even when we would search out company. Even Heero would look for Duo to talk to after a battle, when our parts in the war would become too much for him to take without some reassurance. Instead, our Chinese friend would find a quiet place and meditate. There were times that I envied that ability to calm himself, even after the bloodiest of battles.

And so it was that I called Wufei, asking if he would be willing to have lunch with me, for I desperately needed someone to talk to. He didn't ask what my problems were, and he didn't hesitate to agree to my request. Two days after that call found us in an exclusive diner, one where I knew I wouldn't be seen by anyone aware of my relationship with Trowa. I wasn't hiding my withering relationship, I just wasn't ready to answer any of the questions that would come from some of our acquaintances.

While we had always stayed in contact through mail or phone calls, it was rare for Wufei and I to spend any time together in person. It had been several months since I had actually seen him, and I was slightly stunned when I laid eyes on him again and realized how attractive he was. Wufei was so handsome I don't know how I hadn't seen it before this, and I found myself staring at him on several occasions during the meal.

He didn't bring up the subject that I needed to talk about until after we had finished eating, filling the time with small talk, something he didn't normally indulge in. I was grateful for the time, needing it to decide what I was going to say, my thoughts racing in a thousand different directions at once. His ebony eyes were inquisitive as they watched me over his tea, but he waited for me to speak first. Again, I found myself lost in how good he looked; turning away with a blush when I began to silently wonder what he would look like nude.

“Um, I've been having some troubles with Trowa,” I started finally, reining in my errant thoughts. “Our relationship is falling apart and I don't know what to do.”

He looked at me for a long moment, until I began to squirm under his intense stare. “What do you want to do?” he asked finally.

“I really don't know,” I had to admit, vaguely wondering when it had become so easy to talk to him. I shrugged helplessly, a gesture I had picked up from Duo at some point.

“When did your problems begin?”

That was a question that I had to think about. When exactly had I realized that I wasn't in love with him as I had fooled myself being for so long? I wasn't really sure, “I don't know. One morning I woke up and just knew that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. I watched him sleeping and realized that even though we have been together for almost four years, I don't really know him at all. I'm not even sure I want to know more about him.”

His face was calm, his tone soothing, “Are you sure about that? You don't desire to know more of his life before you met? You don't wish to know what he is thinking any longer?”

Burying my face in my hands, I shook my head in despair. Not only was this not answering any of my questions, I was having a hard time keeping my thoughts on Trowa, too ensnared by the masculine beauty of my lunch companion. “I don't know what I want anymore,” was my reply.

“You should think more on this before you make any decisions, Quatre. You and Trowa have been a couple for a very long time,” Wufei pulled a hand from my face and held it in one of his in a comforting gesture. It wasn't his fault that the mere contact felt electrifying to me, tingles of awareness running up my spine. It took me a few seconds to realize that he was still speaking. “…you need to decide if you are ready to be on your own, rather than having him beside you as a lover.”

“We haven't been lovers in the literal sense for some time,” my absent remark had me blushing and wanting to crawl under the table.

Even Wufei looked surprised at the admission. To his credit, he didn't blush or stammer, as I was. Instead he blinked several times, “You no longer make love?”

If it had been anyone else, I wouldn't have answered the question, but since I was the one that brought it up, I felt it was only fair. “I'm not real sure anything we've ever done could be considered making love, Wufei.”

This time his face did redden, just a bit. His hand closed a bit tighter over mine and he averted his eyes, but not before I was able to see the interest and plain lust that appeared in them. I could feel my pants getting tighter at the thought, and I was glad that I wouldn't have to get up for a few more minutes. “Ah, well,” he cleared his throat and turned back to me. “Were you ever in love with him?”

“I thought I was, Wufei, I really did. But if you are truly in love with someone would it just fade away, the way my feelings have for Trowa?”

He had no answer for that. We spent the rest of our time speaking of things that weren't important, relaxing while we sipped our drinks. We discussed what kind of movies and music we both liked, what we enjoyed doing in our spare time, things of that nature. It struck me that even though we had known each other for years, we really didn't know that much about each other.

We continued to see each other occasionally, usually going to lunch, but sometimes doing something different like going to see plays that were being performed in the evenings. While I anticipated seeing Wufei, I always kept the problem of my relationship on my mind, trying to decide what I was going to do. I think the biggest insight was when I was getting in bed one night and suddenly realized that Trowa wasn't there. It wasn't long before he came in the bedroom and began to get undressed. When I asked if he had gone for a walk, he seemed so…stricken by my inquiry.

I didn't understand at the time why he had that reaction. Nor did I understand why he brought it up days later. He hadn't gone out in several months, and I was concerned about his mental state for a moment. When he told me that he had been going on his usual outings with Duo every week, I argued with him about it, wondering the entire time if I had become that oblivious to his whereabouts.

Apparently, I had been that oblivious, as I found out a short time later when Duo showed up at the house. I had already been envious that the long-haired man could make Trowa feel the way he did, but hearing Duo speak, I felt an unreasonable anger toward him. While I had acknowledged that Duo was deeply in love with Trowa, I hadn't allowed myself to really think about it. Being faced with Duo and having to listen to him tell me that I was going to lose Trowa upset me.

It took me a moment to figure out where the animosity was coming from. I realized that it was because Duo was so in love with Trowa, that he was willing to compromise his own happiness to make Trowa happy. I hated that he had managed to experience that much love and that I hadn't. I hated that he was willing to hide how he felt because he thought Trowa wanted me. In that moment, I hated the depth of his feelings, and I responded to his advice with blistering rage.

“You need to mind your own business, Duo. What happens between Trowa and I is none of your damn business.” A small voice in the back of my head was telling me that it was indeed his business, considering how much he loved Trowa. I chose to ignore that small voice.

“Trowa is my best friend. It upsets him that you don't notice him anymore. You've been ignoring him.”

How could I possibly respond to that? It had been made obvious that I didn't notice Trowa when I hadn't realized that he had still been with Duo once a week. I hadn't even missed him while he had been gone. “I have been doing no such thing. I don't appreciate you coming into my home and accusing me of things you have no knowledge of. You don't know what goes on between us.” I stood, silently screaming at myself that everything I had just said was a lie. I knew Duo was right, but I couldn't force myself to admit it.

Duo was also standing, his voice so low in anger that it was a growl of threat. He knew that I didn't notice Trowa. He stated quite a few things that I had been unaware of him noticing. I shouldn't have been surprised by his observations - Duo had always been quicker to notice things than the rest of us - but for some reason I was stunned by the things that came out of his mouth. When he said that I was going to lose Trowa if I didn't do something about it, I said the first thing that came to mind. “Wouldn't that make you happy?”

I could see the surprise at my question. His eyes were so sad when he answered me and I felt my heart clench with the pain he felt, but his tone was steady and determined. “No, it wouldn't. You're hurting him. I just want him to be happy.”

I don't know what caused it, but I started to laugh. I think it was the fact that Duo was here, fussing at me for hurting Trowa, not realizing that he was the only one that would be able to make Trowa truly happy. Realizing that I was still laughing, I cut it off, watching Duo's eyes narrow in contemplation of my actions. “You think you could do a better job of making him happy than I can? Isn't that what this is really about?” I knew he could make Trowa happier than I could, so why did I ask? I had no idea. I couldn't seem to control my mouth.

“He's happy with you. He's always been happy with you, until recently.”

“You think I need your advice about how to deal with my lover? Guess what? I don't need it. I've known how to make Trowa happy for a long time.”

“If you've been keeping him happy, then why am I the one that he talks to about his problems. I know for a fact that you haven't screwed in months. Is that your idea of keeping him happy? One of these days he's gonna get tired of waiting for you to pay attention to him and find someone who will.”

I had the brief urge to pull my hair out. Duo had no idea that Trowa would be happy with him. I should have told him, should have explained that Trowa was really in love with him, not me. I should have done a lot of things. What I actually did, I couldn't explain then and I can't explain now. What I did put a rift in our friendship that may never be mended completely. To this day, Duo still believes that he is the one that hurt our friendship, but I will always live with the burden of knowing that it was me.

“Get out of this house. I don't want you in it any longer. You had no right to stick your nose in this. I can't believe that I thought you were actually my friend. All you wanted was a chance to make Trowa your own.” Even as I spoke, I was silently pleading with him to stop me from doing this. I couldn't make myself stop speaking, my heart shattering with the pain I was causing him and myself.

Duo's face closed down, hiding his emotions from me on the surface, even as I felt his heart break from the loss of a friendship. We were the only family he had, and I had just basically disowned him. When he got to the door, he looked at me with an unreadable expression, “If you don't start treating him the way he should be, I'll do my damndest to take him from you.”

I chased him out of the house, passing Trowa, still reeling with the knowledge of what I had just done. For some reason, the fury was overwhelming the sorrow I felt, along with any common sense I possessed. I don't even know what I said while he was leaving - I was too busy trying to make myself stop talking. I needed to apologize, I needed to make amends somehow, but it was too late and he was already gone.

Trowa was looking at me as if I had lost my mind, and I entertained the notion that he was right. What else would cause me to think one thing - then say the complete opposite? Without speaking to him, slightly afraid of what I would say, I locked myself in my office and cancelled the rest of my appointments for the day. With that taken care of, I called Wufei, desperate to hear his voice. One look at my face and he told me to meet him at his apartment as soon as I could get away.

I didn't stop to give it any thought. Not bothering to tell anyone that I was leaving, I snuck out of the house and took one of the cars, still shocked at what I had done. I spent the rest of the day with Wufei, telling him about everything that had happened. He explained that I still saw Trowa as a part of me, causing me to say the things I had, even if I hadn't actually meant them. He told me that I needed to evaluate how I felt truthfully in order to get my mind and my heart to work in tandem once again, teaching me some of his meditation techniques to aid me. On the way home, I had to wonder when he had gotten to know me so well.

Expecting questions when I got home, it was with some surprise to find Trowa tucked away in the library, where he had obviously been reading, falling asleep with a book in his lap. I had to smile at the sight of the long legs that had been pulled under his body, something that didn't really seem comfortable, but apparently was for him. I realized that I regarded Trowa more as a friend than I did a lover in that instant. Not knowing what to do, I retreated to the bedroom that we still shared, determined to make up my mind about what I needed to do.

It had taken me months to understand that even though Trowa and I were technically still a couple, for all intents and purposes, we had already split up. We didn't do anything as a couple anymore, preferring to spend our spare time separately and in different ways. We really didn't have that many things in common, our backgrounds too different for us to share many interests. Our shared love of music was one of the only things that we had in were able to enjoy together.

While I enjoyed going to the theatre to watch plays and operas, he preferred to go watch movies at a cinema. I have never been an athletic person, needing a personal trainer to force me to do the exercises I require to stay in shape. Trowa, on the other hand, always liked to play different sports and loved the exhilaration he got from a good run. The best example of our differences was while he would rather have a beer with pizza when relaxing for an evening, I would prefer to have a gourmet meal with a glass of wine.

For the next few months, we got along, spending time together and really putting an effort into our relationship, but I always kept an intrinsic part of myself from Trowa, and I had the feeling he was doing the same. Somewhere along the way, I had finally admitted to myself that I had fallen hopelessly in love with Wufei, just as Trowa had done with Duo, and vice versa. Now I just had to figure out what to do about it.

One night, after speaking on the phone with Wufei, I finally realized that it wasn't fair to hold Trowa to me when he could be much happier with someone else, namely Duo. By taking so long to decide what I wanted, I was hurting Trowa and Duo, not to mention myself. It was time to say good-bye to this part of my life, letting go of Trowa so he could be really happy.

With this decided, I began to search the large house for Trowa. Why it had never occurred to me that Trowa did not fit into these surroundings I don't know, but it was something of an epiphany for me, strengthening my resolve that I was doing the right thing for everyone involved. I searched the kitchen first, then the library before going to our bedroom. I found him sitting on the edge of our bed, looking a bit shell-shocked.

As if suddenly realizing that I was there, his eyes pinned me with an intensity that I hadn't seen from him in years. “Quatre, I think we need to talk.”

There was a great deal of things I could have said to him. I could have told him that I understood. I could have told him that I would help him pack. I could have told him that I was in love with someone else, just as he was. I chose not to, deciding that we needed to really talk for the first time in a long time. We spent hours talking - about our problems, about our feelings, about our confusion in the past months - both of us admitting that we were no longer in love, if we ever had been. Our split was amicable, and when he was leaving in the morning, my heart felt lighter than it had in a long, long time. For a moment, he looked slightly lost, and I took pity on him, stopping him with a hand on his arm, “Go tell Duo how you feel.” He stared at me in shock and I had to shake my head at his expression. “He's been in love with you for years, you idiot.” The sheer joy of his smile reaffirmed that this was the best thing for him.

After he left, I spent the morning contemplating my new single status, and I found that I didn't really mind it. I had never really been on my own, not since I had matured enough to take care of myself, and I was looking forward to discovering who I really was. In the days that followed, I still talked to Trowa regularly, pleased that we were still friends, but he was preoccupied most of the time, wrapped up in his new relationship. Every time I talked to him, I could see the happiness that he exuded, the excitement that he felt with Duo. He once told me that Duo was his mirror image, completely opposite in personality, but fitting together perfectly. I have to admit that they really do compliment each other.

A few months after Trowa and I decided to go our separate ways, Wufei came over to the house unannounced. It was a surprise to see him, but a good surprise. To be completely honest, I was quite pleased to see him, and appreciated the sight of him dressed in a pair of dress slacks and a neat button-up shirt tucked in, emphasizing the lean waist and muscular physique.

He asked me if I had figured out what I had wanted in the time Trowa and I had been apart. Not really knowing what to say, I explained how I didn't really mind being alone, but it wasn't something I wanted to be for the rest of my life. His response was to back me against the wall and kiss me senseless. We are taking things very slow, wanting to make sure that this is what we really want, but so far there have been no doubts on my part. Wufei challenges me in a way Trowa was unable to, and I enjoy the time that we spend together, looking forward to the next time within minutes of him leaving.

Earlier today we were at Duo and Trowa's house, sitting at the picnic table, debating with Relena and Heero about the best political candidates that have been chosen to represent the Earth during the next election. It is something that Trowa would have been uninterested in, and one more thing that Wufei and I have in common. Feeling his hand tighten on mine briefly, I met his eyes, questioning silently. “How did it go between you and Duo?”

My eyes had gone to the couple, Trowa wrapped around Duo's smaller body while the long-haired man turned the burgers. Trowa had been wearing the small smile that was now a constant presence, and Duo seemed to have a serenity that he had been missing before. “It went well. He's still hesitant to speak to me, but I can't really blame him. I hurt him pretty badly with the things that I said. It'll take time, but eventually we should get back to where we were.”

Wufei's eyes were sad when they looked at me. “You should explain why you said the things that you did. He'll forgive you if you do. He's very understanding, and we are his family.”

I had to nod, agreeing with him. I turned in time to see Trowa spin Duo in his arms, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss. The sight had brought a smile to my face. “It's good to see them together.”

“They are good together. They make each other happy,” Wufei was watching me closely as he spoke.

I offered him a pleased smile, “Just as we do.” He gave my cheek a soft kiss, still not completely comfortable with public displays. It didn't bother me, knowing he would make up for it when we got back home. Trowa had been the same when we were together, but that seemed to be one of the many things that had changed about him since he had moved in with Duo.

A shriek of laughter pulled all of our eyes to the couple at the grill. Our food seemed to be done, and apparently Trowa was in a mood, as he had the plate of burgers and hot dogs in one hand, using the other one to steady Duo where he was slung over one shoulder. I chuckled at the breathless laughter that was originating in the general area of Trowa's rear as Duo wriggled in an attempt to get down. That was another side of Trowa that only Duo could bring out, that playful part of him that had been hidden down deep. It was a satisfying sight that I'll probably remember for a long time. The picture that Relena managed to take will help, as well.

Curling into Wufei's side, we recall some of the more interesting parts of the day, such as Trowa dumping a half-full cup of ice down the back of Duo's pants. Wufei snickers at the reminder, then tightens his arm around me. “I never thought I would see Trowa so …”

“Silly? Open?” I supply, understanding what he was trying to say. They weren't the words that really described what I meant, and I fought for the correct description. After a moment of thought I finally found the word I was searching for, surprised at the one that fit, “Happy. He's truly happy now.”

With a finger on my chin, Wufei tilted my head up, searching my face for several seconds. “Does it bother you to see him that way?”

“Not at all. I'm very glad that he has found his place with Duo, just as I'm glad I have found my place with you.” His face reflected his surprise, and I held my breath, hoping I hadn't said something wrong.

I was about to apologize for saying that when he leaned forward, taking my lips in a thorough kiss, leaving me breathless and panting. “Do you have any idea how much I love you?” he asked me softly.

With my heart soaring, I threw my arms around his neck, placing small kisses on every inch of his face that I could reach. He laughed, directing my mouth back to his for several long minutes. When we settled back down on the couch to watch our movie, I reflected on everything that had happened during the last year. It was amazing that so much could happen in such a short time, but I couldn't complain about the way it had ended.

After all of the mental anguish we had all went through, I was happier than I would ever be able to express in words. Duo and Trowa were finally together, with a relationship that most people would be envious of, and the friendship between Duo and me was finally beginning to heal. Life was good, and as Wufei kissed the back of my head softly, I knew it could only get better from here.