Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Reflections ❯ Reflection-Trowa ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Perplexed, bewildered, puzzled, baffled, and disoriented. That's how I feel when I look at the world. I'll admit that there are other ways I observe and evaluate my environment, but that's the outlook that I use most often. Everywhere I go, and everything I do or see is evaluated, compared to something, usually me. Some people might assume that I think myself the superior, but that is not the case. Which reminds me, I believe I forgot to include the word "inferior" to the feelings I was listing before. In every instance I am wrong or inferior and whatever I am comparing myself to is right, better, superior in every way. I'm never better than anything, never even the slightest bit. Some may wonder just how I survive without going crazy. It's simple. Just as simple as putting a mask on. Not a physical one like the mask I wear when performing in the circus, but an emotional mask. One to cover up all my emotions and hide them away so as not to bother people with my petty problems. They have enough to deal with on their own without having to worry about me. Making Cathy worry is just about the last thing I want to do, and there's no way that I could have had an in depth discussion about that kind of thing with any of my fellow pilots. Heero would either just shrug me away or tell me that I should get on with planning my part of the next day's misison. Duo would probably listen. He had a pretty hard past and would most likely show me some sympathy, but that guy is way too hyper and talkative for my liking. Wufei is just Wufei. Justice-obsessed and over reactive. He acts on his emotions too much. I would have liked to talk to Quatre about it, but he has so much going on with his sisters, the maguanacs, Winner Enterprises, all of our missions, and who knows what else. I don't want to cause him any more stress. He already has enough to deal with.
There is one slight flaw with my plan though. I forgot that masks never change. They always show the same emotion, always give the same attitude and personality. This is what I forgot, and I have paid the price. My mask has been with me for so long that it has become a part of me, and I have become the mask. It could have been a good thing, had the mask I chose been a different one, but the mask I chose to wear was one of silence and indifference. The mask that I picked up was one of no emotion. Now I live the life of the mask. Silent, indifferent, and emotionless. Maybe someday I will pick up a different mask, or perhaps even peel away the one I have on now. Maybe someday I can go back to how it was before I changed myself by joining with this mask.