Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Repressed Guilt ❯ Repressed Guilt ( One-Shot )

Warning!: This is an extremely weird fic. So R/R!

Heero - Repressed Guilt of the Past

28th June AC 199

She was sitting on a chair, her knees pulled up to her chin, arms wrapped tightly around them. Rocking slightly she was desperately humming a tune. Her heavy long fringe hid her face and the black hair splayed at the edge of her chin. Cut raggedly she looked half mad.

Heero looked briefly down at her public records.

/Name: Dana Matthews

Birth: 16th May AC178

Employment: ?

Residence: ?/

What these records didn't show was that she has been convicted twice of armed robbery, assault, once this time and, his mind blinked at this, manslaughter. And all she had spent in prison was six months. The wonders of the appeal system, Heero mused. But what about her parole?

He looked at her face, the bottom half that wasn't hidden by hair and shadows. Teeth biting into her bottom lip, jaw clenched and the lines indicated that the girl was afraid. Afraid of what? Her body was tense. She wanted to leave.

Well she wasn't going to. She had been caught robbing a bank. The seventh that month and the twenty-fifth for her, if the facts were right. Heero doubted that they were. Her sprees of robberies were over. The Preventers had finally caught her. To the relief of many officers under Une. She had been displeased when they had been unable to catch the robber.

"Untrained morons all of them," Heero muttered.

Une was still displeased however. The money was still missing and the banks were being insistent on wanted it returned them. He was here to find out where it was hidden.

He opened the door to the room. She didn't react, just kept on rocking and humming.

"Dana Matthews?" no reaction. "I wish to talk about the money you have stolen from Alberta National, the Bank of Brogan, Capital Interest," continuing with list of names he walked over to her and finished them, "... And the Bank of Y'ii." Lifting up his arm, Heero reached out and placed his hand on her shoulder. For the brief moment he ordered the feelings he felt when he touched her shoulder. Cool skin under this rough fabric, it jerked as the shoulder connected with other flesh, it was touched by his hand.

There was a reaction.

Jerking away from his touch she began screaming hysterically, before shouting, "Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!" Moving away from her and to a corner, Heero waiting for her to calm down. She did stop shouting but was now sobbing heavily.

These were not daintily. Huge gulping sobs. Wet big tears trailed from her face to her chin before dropping. Her face, in some parts, was beginning to become blotchy.

Heero stepped forward. She immediately started screaming again. Her sobs broken. Then the shouting began, "Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!"

Heero realized that she didn't want people coming close to her so retreated to his corner. Watching her. Her shouts soon stopped again but the sobs resumed. Was it an act?

She raised her head and he saw her face full. Dark brown watery eyes glared at him, tears still streaming from their corners. Her face was damp. And the tears on her face reflected oddly with the lighting.

Dana Matthews relaxed from her previous position and placed her feet on the ground and resting her hand on the table in front of her. "What am I doing here?" her tone was imperious.

"You robbed some banks, Miss Matthews, I believe that is cause enough," Heero stated.

She laughed scornfully, "Money? What would I do with money? I have no need for it. And neither do those fat pigs who wallow in their own filth of greed, hanging on to the tails of world leaders, ready to give their allegiance to whoever wins. They also have no need of this money. They are butt kissing bastards. I hate them. They have no need for money. They have enough of their own." It was said like a speech. Carefully prepared. Memorized properly. And recited perfectly.

"Netherless you did steal. And that is a crime whether or not you are rich or poor."

"They can pay it back to their customers." She waved her hand, dismissing the matter. Her anger returned, "These rich! Fat! Greedy! Bastards! They have no loyalty. It is not the same. They are rich. I am not. They can buy their way out of this situation. Whether with their fancy lawyers or by flashing cash around. Just like they have done for centuries. For eons! Forever." She breathed the word. "They have no morals no dignity. Nothing but their ill got cash. We are not in same position. Never. And we never will be. Because they can slip out of whatever situation. Greasy slimy rotten. That is what they are."

"I - "

"Come here. I want to look at your face."

Slowing he walked over to her. Keeping his eyes connected to her. Sitting on the chair opposite to her, their eyes still connected with one another. The tears were drying on her face. Leaving sticking salty reminders. Her eyes were red rimmed from crying.

Just under her left eye was a bruise. A bruise where he had punched her.

She peered into his face until their noses were almost touching. Her breathing was becoming quicker as she leaned into his face. Yet her eyes never left his.

Flashback

Over three billion credits had been stolen over the last two and a half months from various banks on Earth. It was same people or rather person, they knew that was behind this. One person had managed to get past all the security systems, past all the guards, past all of the alarms, managed to steal the money and leave without getting caught and having their identity revealed.

Heero admired this person, whoever it was. Whoever managed to do this had to be intelligent. But what puzzled him and many other people, was that there only seemed to be one person involved. One single person. Who this person was, was a mystery. Heero wanted to meet it just for the pleasure to testing the person for its level of skills. It would be entertaining.

They still had no clue on how this person was picking which bank to rob. Heero himself had pored over documents to no avail. It still remained a mystery. It wasn't until, and the fact still made him blush (internally at least) with embarrassed stupidity, a secretary, a young secretary too, worked the code out.

While passing out some more documents about the latest robbery she glanced at some of them. She then offered her solution to the dumb struck people. She had been quickly given a promotion. Heero still fumed about this, quietly through. He wondered how he could have missed it. It was so easy now that he thought about. Why hadn't he seen it?

So now here he was, at a bank with the right perimeters. It was a target. Heero knew it. He could feel the tension of the customers as they as they; quick as they could rushed through the business at the bank. All these armed guards were getting them.

Then Dana Matthews walked through the revolving doors. Of course at that moment he didn't have a clue who she was and couldn't care less. He concentrated on the mission. But his mind automatically noted the facts about her.

Wearing a pair of scummy runners on her feet. She was dressed casually in jeans and a blue T-shirt with some logo on it. From the particular point and the angle her body was turning her couldn't see what exactly. She had on a loose black jacket that went to her hips. A slanted baseball cap was on her head. It was filthy. A large pair of sunglasses were perched on her face but when she entered she had removed them and placed them on a belt hook of her jeans.

She seemed clam and assured. Through had a slight look of dismay on her face. She hadn't looked like trouble. Just some kid in need of money that they knew they weren't going to get. A uni student most likely.

At first he had just dismissed her, not seeing any danger in her. She didn't seem a bank robber. Too young and female to be it. She didn't seem to possess the hard edge to her that criminal, and including himself, did.

Instead of waiting her turn she pushed past the various people in line and was making her way to the head teller. The people were not pleased with this and started yelling which had attracted Heero's attention.

The girl reached the head teller, who was by now shivering in fear, he knew that the Preventer's were here and that this person was robbing banks. Cold sweat slithered down his face.

Leaning on the bench the girl calmly and politely asked for the teller to turn off the alarm system, the cameras and for the guards to go away. The teller did so.

She then asked for all the money he had on hand and to put it in a bag. And he did so. Quickly and then passed it over to her. She said thank you. Then turned and started to leave.

Froze. And started running for the door.

Damn! She knew it was a set up now. Leaving his shadowing position he raced towards her quick figure and tackled her. They both fell to ground.

Wriggling out of his grip somehow she stood up and started running for it again. He grabbed for her foot and managed to bring her to the ground. Kicking him in the face with her other foot. Then again. She started to claw at his hand and whacking a nearby pot plant on it.

He was surprised by this and in stunned pained shock let loose as the pot plant was brought down on his fingers. It was painful.

Standing she yet again tried to escape. By now the incompetent fools that called themselves Preventers had former a defensive line in front of the door.

She paused. And then dove headfirst through the barrier of men and women.

Heero was now standing as the girl was struggling after being captured by half a dozen Preventers. After knocking one out with her bag of money, which she had, somehow managed to keep. She leapt passed front them and nearly into Heero's arms. He could be very quick when he wanted to.

Her breath caught, as she stood still for a moment shocked. It broke. He reached out and grabbed the hand that was clutching the bag of cash. Her fingers struggled briefly before they unclenched and the bag fell to the floor.

She then surprised him by throwing a punch towards him. It hit him square in the eye and he recoiled slightly. She took advantage of this by slamming his hand against the wall and while not releasing his hold upon her (third time lucky he guessed) it had loosened.

So not to let her escape he punched her under her left eye.

She clutched at her face, body folding in slightly. Defending it self from further attacks. She was positioned in a low crouch. But she also had a look of surprise on her face. Breathing very quick she whispered, "You..."

She fell to the floor in a dead faint

End Flashback

"Hello Heero Yuy. Boo!"

Heero jumped. And leaned back further in his chair.

"How? How did you know my name?" he whispered staring at her changed demeanor. Cheerful, bright, peppy and perky. She wasn't as she was before. This was the girl from before. Why had she changed? So quickly too. What was wrong with her?

"Oh don't be like this Heero. I know that you wouldn't let someone like me to rot in these cells. I know you to well for that Heero, to well. So why don't you unlock the door and 'escort' me outside. Everyone and I sure you could explain and everyone would believe you. You do have a certain habit about that don't you?" all the while her tone never changed from the childish happy tone. She spoke with a voice far younger than she was.

"I repeat how did you know my name?" Heero said forcefully, leaning above her slightly in an intimidation threat. Both of his hands were on either side of her body, clenched slightly on the table. His eyes were staring into hers. There was threat in them. Danger.

She now looked unsure. As if she wasn't sure what was happening. Things weren't going to her plan. But how could she think that he would go along with her plan? It was ludicrous! What was she thinking?

"Heero?" she whispered her voice wavering slightly with some unknown emotion. "What's wrong? Why won't you help me? Why? Why? Why? Why are you being so cruel? I thought you were different from the rest. But I was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Why Heero are you acting in such an indifferent manner towards me? Don't you care? About me? Heero please! Please!" Silent tears were streaming down her face. Over half of her upper body was on the table with her eyes looking beseechingly up at him. Her hands were folded over one another above, pleading slightly as they were begging for him.

These changes of mood were irregular and seemed random. There were affected by her moods. But she takes her mood to new levels. She doesn't care about her personal visage. She cares about getting what she wants, she wants to get out and she will do anything to do. Her mood swings and changes in her behaviour were nothing more than plea's for her own personal gain. She will do anything.

"Tell me where the money is, Miss Matthews. It will be better if you do so. You have stolen over three billions credits. If you tell us where the money is we won't be able to get you off any prison time but it will be reduced. That is of course if you help us."

Her face was frozen in shock. Hands went unclenched and she placed them on her cheeks. Her eyes were glassy. Her head was shaking, slowly at first but quickening in speed. Breath was coming out quicker and more ragged. As if something was caught in her throat and she couldn't get it out. It wouldn't get out.

"No! No! No!" she shouted over and again. "Heero! How can you do this to me? Me? I thought you were different but you are just hanging onto the rich bastards that control the world with money. You don't have the strength to fight any more. You are so weak!"

The chair protested as she launched it back. There was a loud clang as it slammed into the wall. It fell to the ground with a softer one, rebounded off the surface and clanged even softer. Before it came to a halt.

She was pacing back and forth. Wringing her hands. Then throwing them up in the air. Back to wringing them. Up in the air. Her breath was shuddering and she sometimes cast him quick looks of despair, anger, rage and hatred at Heero. She was muttering under her breath. Flinging her hands roughly through her hair. Humming a tune he could not quite hear.

Staring in the corner. Not a movement to be made. Just staring at the joins of the two walls. No sound came from her lips as she simply stared at the wall.

A sharp quick turn and she was now facing him. An intense look of rage on her face flashed across her face. Fading into icy blankness. A sneer flitted over her lips as she gazed at Heero.

"Heero Yuy." She paused and scanned his body, from his toes to his head. It felt abusive and degrading. It also seemed to violate him somehow. He didn't like this new face at all. This one didn't seem controllable

"Heero Yuy." She repeated in that same slow voice that sent shivers down his spine. She started to walk over to him. As if he was the prey and she was the predator. She was stalking him down. He had to restrain himself from not stepping back. Her eyes were boring into his. Not letting go of his. She was now standing in front of his. Inches only separating their bodies.

"Heero Yuy. You are a murderer." She stated the fact simply as if there was no other way of breaking from her words. The ultimate truth. At least to her they were.

"What are you talking about, Miss Matthews?"

"You are a murderer." She pointed a finger to his chest. "You are a murderer!" Her voice was raising in pitch. "You are a murderer!" She was shouting by now. "I can't believe you could kill all those innocent people. How could you kill them all, kill all those people, Heero? How Heero? Have you know conscience? None at all. Are you some mindless machine?"

She tapped his head. Pinched his arm. Pressed a hand against his chest. Through her hand he felt his heartbeat which hadn't faulted with her outburst. "No. You are human. I can feel the blood pulsing under my skin. Under your skin. You don't care about what I am saying. You are a mindless machine created to kill people. You don't have any emotions to comprehend the crimes that you have done to thousands of people. You are a murderer!"

"I can feel you, warm and alive. But are you truly? Are you truly alive and functioning by yourself? You may seem alive and well but I can sense the blood and destruction you have caused. You aren't fit to be called a human. You are a mindless machine, a killing machine, without any emotions. You don't have any emotions, you see. Just impulses to your brain. Nothing more exciting, than that. Nothing really interesting. Through others might contest. I know you are just an emotionless monster. You are a murderer!"

She walked away from him and to her chair. It lay on the floor tilted at an odd angle. Leaning over she picked it up and righted to its previous position, one that was upright. Pulling the chair out she sat on the chair and then pulled the chair inwards slightly. The chair ground into the floor as it was moved across it.

Sitting straight and giving him a level stare she also gave him a thin lipped smile. A hint of white teeth showing. "Come," she waved her hand to the other seat, "Sit down. I want to talk to you. I might even ask some questions if you don't mind." Her eyes hardened and narrowed ever so. Her smile turned larger, into a grin almost. "Please sit down Mr. Yuy."

Slowly walking over to her and not taking his eyes her for once second; he sat down on the offered chair. They sat there for some time, just, just staring at each other. No movement was made from either of them, other than the slight intake of breathe and the exhale, but that was only to stay alive.

Her eyes were brown. But when they looked at him. They seemed different, but the same. They didn't change, but they did. Why did they look that way? Why were they staring at him like this? Why was she acting like this? Why? The brown eyes blinked and Heero found his blue eyes doing the same. Her eyelids had lowered a fraction over her eyes. Her eyes were mere slits as they gazed upon him. Judging him almost. The eyes closed again.

When she spoke her voice was tired as if she was too exhausted to even wonder much. "Why Heero? Why do you do anything at all?" through the question was directed at him, it seemed to be directed at the world.

"Sometimes I think there is no reason for this and I just want to nuke the world!" she brightened up at this, the sagged, "But I don't. I feel as if I owe something to everybody. That I have borrowed money from everyone in the world and they are being so nice and sweet about it and I don't return the money and they still are kind! But these are only a precious few. The rest I don't care what happens to them."

"Why did you rob all the banks?"

"Are you still on about that?" she groaned. "Who cares about money. It's just material goods."

"Then you don't need it?" she nodded brightly at his words. "Well if you don't need it, where is it? After all you don't need material goods. So it would be wrong for you to keep the money. I think you should tell me."

"Why are you still questioning me? The money was donated to various charities that need it. Victims of the war! The children whose parents died in the war. The orphans! The cripples! Those terribly injured in the war. Their limbs hacked off. Their blood draining from their pores. People who have no money and have no means of acquiring it. Animal conservation! Animals can't help the fact that they need this. It is humans who are taking over and destroying their land. They have been hunted to extinction, because we humans are too reckless, too stupid, too greedy!"

"Miss Matthews. For some inane reason I believe you. Why have you been doing this? Robbing all these banks? Isn't there some other way? These people damaged by war have pensions. The children live in state homes or are being fostered out and some are being adopted. They don't need for you to steal from banks."

She stared at him before snorting in disgust. Shaking her head she muttered, "You don't understand. I do what I must because I believe that it helps people. No one is hurt or harmed or killed in any was during the proceedings, I'm helping people. If only I didn't have to then I would stop. These people have enough money to help many of these people and yet they do not. So I have to help the unfortunate. It is the only way you see."

Lifting her head and with a cynical sneer of her face she added, "I don't see why it concerns you. You aren't anyone. Just a mindless machine who is no use to anyone in this time of peace. That is what you are Odin."

"You know that name too? How? How do you know these things? Who has been giving you these names? This information about me? I don't see why anybody alive would give it to you. Unless some one who is dead gave it to you in the past, but I don't see anyone dead either who give it to you. So how do you know all this? How do you know those names of mine?"

"I know them. Because," she paused, looking down and very confused expression on her face, "I know them because... I don't know! I just do. For I do know your name but not the reason why." She looked puzzled but a strange emotion filtered across her face quickly and through he could not read it Heero felt it had great importance. "I just do."

"So just leave. I don't want to be near you anymore. You irritate me. With your forgotten blood soaked hands. Just go kill someone, murderer. That's all you'll ever be good for. Killing people. People in the wrong place and time. Just go kill them all Heero, Odin or whatever you want to be called. What is your real identity? Your real self? Your name? You have none if you keep on killing."

"I don't kill. Any more. Never again."

"Are you sure? Will you ever kill again? Never ever? You will always be a murderer but to live you will need to stop these killings. You have to stop it all. I can't stand all these emotions from you. All these threats of the past. You have such a past that it makes me shiver and weep. Inside at least. I hate you. And your murderous past. The killing from such an age! How? Do you not see the murders you have done? The sorrow, tragic and the end of them all! Their end was with your hands!"

"I - "

"Your hands!"

"That may be so but I felt that was the right thing to do at the time. I don't regret my decision. I would make it once more. I made good friends from the war," Heero paused here and wondered at the words that were seemingly just coming out of his mouth with violation of his own free will. It was what he felt but he never spoke it aloud. All his thoughts were grouped together and were being spoken. How was this possible?

She stared at him. Cryptically was the way she did so. Her brown eyes were just staring at him. Within him. The eyes swept over what he had previously said. He could see his thoughts and emotions being flashed across her eyes. The endless swirls of colours. Were his thoughts and emotions being dragged from his mind to be studies and labeled.

He drew his eyes from hers and he felt an invisible snap. As if the link had broken. What link? She closed her eyes slowly and a thoughtful expression settles on her face. The familiar humming started up again. The slow melody peaking and falling.

She smiled. An even smile, that seemed to be different from others. "I think you are telling the truth. I do admire honesty. In this world of deceit and corruption a little bit of honesty can confuse and befuddle the competition. Or the people you people you want to. It can be very helpful. I thank you for replying honesty."

Heero nodded shortly, still just trying to calculate the facts and figure she had been presenting him over their, 'conversation'. Going over everything she had said. So to try and understand her motives. What were her ideas and reasons for robbing the bank and for acting in this manner?

She frowned, then started speaking slowly as if processing all the facts as she spoke, "But. I don't think that you are really listening to what I am saying. I don't like that. I also don't completely understand why you don't listen to what I am saying. It isn't that polite. Do you see what will happen if you continue on this path? No, I do. Let go of the murderous past and don't kill. The past will kill you if you let it."

"I will try to do that."

She smiled wryly. She shook her head and stared at her hands, "No you won't. The thought was nice but you aren't listening to me!" she shouted the last bit out. "You are not listening. Listen to me Heero, the name you have taken in the past, you have to realize that what I say may seem strange now actually holds some truth. You think that all I have done, robbing a bank and acting this way was wholly random? That everything up to this moment was planned by myself? You may think that I am insane but you are the one acting insane, crazy!"

She sounded sane. Truly sane. For the first time since he had entered this room she sounded unconditionally sane. So if she was the sane one here, was he the one insane?

She sighed. "I think that one day you shall see the truth in the words. You have been awakened to my words so hope still holds. But let me give you this one last bit of advice." Her eyes bored into his own and her tone was serious. "You don't have forever Heero. We all die."

Was she saying that he was going to die?

"Whether by your own hand or by another or simply by natural cause you will die." She stated calmly, looking above his head and at the ceiling. She was frowning slightly, as if encountering a difficult problem that wasn't easy to solve. "You will die."

"But we all die, don't we? Or are you saying you are immortal?"

She smiled with amusement. Then laughed the same. "No I am not immortal. Nor do I wish to be. Immortality is for fools. All shall die. I was merely warning you of the fact. If you don't act soon and let your murderous past behind all you shall see is death. Do you want that? To be forever condemned for being murderer? A murderer. Murderer. It is your choice to be a murderer. You have to choose. A murderer."

Heero remained silent. Waiting for her to say more.

"I no longer wish to speak with. Goodbye 01."

Dana Matthews settled on her chair, was wriggling. Placing her arms on the table she rested her head on them. Before closing her eyes, she smiled one last smile at Heero. Before supposedly going to sleep.

"Miss Matthews?" he walked over and shook her shoulder lightly. She didn't react. She was asleep. Asleep.

Heero left the room, with her slumped body over table snoring quietly. The door closed.

Heero began to type up his report. It was soon finished. He had to burn time. He had to be active. Let the thoughts of the deaths go away! So he personally decided to take it up to the HQ. They seemed surprised at this, but who was to argue? This was Heero Yuy! No one wanted to mess with him.

That it self scared Heero. Was he a monster? Did people see him as a monster?

Heero now had a mind with nothing to do. Racing crazily over what she had said. Tonight Heero would be sleepless.

In the morning he decided that he wasn't a murderer. It was the logical conclusion. It had been war. And that was the answer. If he believed he wasn't and so far his guilt of killing those people had been escalating, he had felt like a murderer. But he wasn't. The guilt had lifted.

What he had thought was his guilt was nothing more than a vain attempt to stay linked to a time where it was simpler. Where there was right and wrong. Which seemed so unfamilar these days. The guilt had been his attempt to divide right and wrong. His oath of not killing had helped that unintentionally.

What was done was done. The past was the past. The killing was the past. And it was done for him forever. He would never kill again.

The one question now that his guilt and murders of the past were forsaken from his mind was; who exactly was she? How did she know this? Why did she say all that to me?

Who was she?

Yeah... weird. For those who are confused, Miss Matthew's words are supposed to represent Heero's hidden guilt over what he had done. This was ever so slightly AU.

I don't know where I got this idea only how it twisted and changed under my grip. Evil muse. Anyway I'm not sure to continue with a chapter with each of the other pilots or just leave it as it. If you want more, ask. I felt that ending was weak. Justice! If her fighting abilities seemed strong to you don't worry about it was intentional. And her name is stupid but I couldn't think of anything else.

I don't own GW or no profits are made from this (not that I know of).

Oh and Review!

Thankies!