Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Requiescere Sanus ❯ In the face of grief. ( Chapter 6 )

Chapter 6 - In the face of grief.

I looked evenly at the blood patch on the floor. Thinking of Trowa I felt a shudder of something in my body stirring again, something unfamiliar, something painful as a lump welled up in my throat for the second time I was shedding tears, just one though. I quickly wiped it away. Trowa must be in pain, he had never acted that way before, so open. He like me had been a closed door, he was right, we were lonely...though none looked lonelier than he as he sat by a phone Quatre's body over his lap as he dialled the 30 or so sisters Quatre seemed to possess. To me it was strange, what could hold the garrulous Arabian silent besides death, he was the only bouncy happy one that cheered us along. Again Trowa was right we needed Duo as much as we despised him. I walked silently outside as if a shadow slipping towards the three. Quietly I spoke "That's enough, we don't want two funerals today." I looked up the light reflecting from my eyes a cold measured soldier again, no feelings, I couldn't have feelings, look what they had done. What I had done. I'd rebuild the barriers and push Yarri away, though a new pilot for the Sandrock 04 had to be found and my mind only turned to Yarri. "We need a new pilot for the 04. We need to complete our missions. We need to be soldiers." I turned my back grieved and walked back into the safe house, climbing the stairs I walked into my room closing the door behind me with a quiet swish then chink as the chrome lock slid into place.

~*~

Wufei and I looked at each other. We had beaten him so badly we had to drag him back inside. By unspoken agreement, we threw him into his room and locked the door from the outside. Task completed, we went our separate ways. The Chinese warrior went to find Trowa and offer what condolences he could, I in search of Heero. I found the locked door that indicated the Prussian-eyed pilot's room and knocked softly. "Heero... I need to speak with you." My knuckles were slightly swollen from coming in contact with Duo's face and they were lightly streaked with blood. I wiped them futilely on my pants as I waited for Heero to open the door, if he would. I wondered idly if they would take me back as the pilot of Sandrock now that thanks to Duo, Quatre was dead and unable to pilot. I hadn't wanted to become a pilot again if it meant murder, but I had to honour Quatre's memory. True, he had annoyed me incessantly, but he was almost a brother, my countryman. So if the other pilots would have me, I would once again be in the cockpit of Sandrock.

~*~

I sighed softly hearing his knock. I didn't want to face him, I had to keep him away, far away, seems I couldn't as I leaned over and slid the bolt back letting my door swing open slightly. I looked to the side my dark bangs playing in front of my face hiding my eyes from view. The shadow slipped over my face masking me from view "enter." I spoke soft trying to hide the crackling grief in my voice.

~*~

I took a deep, silent breath, and tried to calm my nerves as I stepped into the dark room. "I want to pilot 04," I said. I could tell he was trying to hide behind his mask again. The shadows hiding his face, he wouldn't look at me... "If you'll let me, Heero." Remember, he's human... I told myself. He can't hide from his emotions forever... Remember he called you koishii... Ruthlessly I suppressed the urge to throw my arms around him and kiss him, tell him I loved him over and over. I was a soldier right now, I needed to be professional and distant. Time enough for the other things later.

~*~

I turned to him, how could he think about taking Quatre's place...did he want Trowa too, I mean...blonde and Trowa was stoic and quiet a lot like me...but more affection and better to be around and more open and... bang. I shut it all out my shield suddenly bursting to full strength as I became the perfect solider. "No, you can't you don't have the skills nor ways nor means. I don't want you in my room I don't love you, I hate you for loving me. Now get out or I'll kill you." I looked him straight in the eye serious and grave my eyes not reflecting anything but coldness and murder. I looked away again my jaw locking in determination. I closed my fingers around the bed clothes nearly shredding them as I stares hard out of the window resolute...this was for the best...it'd save lives...it'd make the missions work, it would break me…

~*~

I stared at Heero for a moment, then said the first thing that came to my mind. "Fuck. You." I glared at him. "You don't know what you're fucking talking about, Yuy. I have the skills, the ways, the means. I'll get out of your fucking room when you give me a better reason why I can't pilot Sandrock." I was screaming inside and just barely managed to not scream at Heero. I was a soldier. I would not break down and behave like a lovesick child. "I can accept that you don't love me. I will accept it, even though I love you. Just give me one good reason why I can't fight with you."

~*~

I stared at him took aback by his angry answer, and that was it. He had to shut up. I swung my fist at his jaw and punched him. It was then I opened my eyes and looked at him realizing what I'd done... "Yarri..." I started my eyes opening wider the lashes starting to be rimmed with tears welling up blurring the cobalt. "I…" I stumbled again my throat being choked up with sobs. I wanted to be close to him, to have him hold me and tell me it was ok. I looked up at him a child-like innocence crossing my eyes in my grief. I sniffed quietly before gagging on a few more sobs "Just… go" I finally managed a few crystalline tears running down my cheeks "I can't be responsible for my...actions." I looked down the sheet below my hand shredded.

~*~

Instead of leaving, I ruefully touched the spot Heero's punch had landed. "Can't say I didn't deserve that..." I took him by the shoulders and pulled him close to me. I wrapped my arms around him, holding the beautiful, crying boy. "None of us can, Heero..." I kissed his cheeks. Slowly I sank to the floor, pulling Heero down with me and cradling him in my arms. "I love you, Heero..." I murmured. "Everything's going to work out... don't be afraid to be human..." I tilted his chin up and gazed into his misty Prussian eyes. "Don't be afraid to cry." I kissed him gently on the lips, not asking for anything in return. I whispered, "I love you" again and brushed away some chocolate strands of hair that fell into his eyes.

~*~

I shook my head stray stands of hair flailing all over the place "You didn't." My breathing came uneasy and tenuous between sobs "You don't understand...I have to control this...I have to take responsibility or I might end up killing someone without knowing it… I have to be perfect and not let anything get to me, death, pain...love...ha I don't even know what it is..." I choked quietly before continuing "I know no fear, no pain, no tears...I'm not a human I'm a cold killing machine. Nothing more nothing less. Should my eyes water that is some dysfunction. I have no emotion…" I paused slightly feeling his arms wrap around me and his soft comforting words. "And yet for someone so perfect I get captured and make mistakes and let things get to me and… and fall in..." I stopped myself right there and then before I said it, before I said fall in love...I was being to open I was being to honest I needed to shut up. I turned to the side and felt my pocket for a useful implement. Ah there it was the needle containing potent sleeping drugs. I took it and rammed it deep in my vein letting it run into my blood "Yarri I'm sorry…" I sobbed again pressing my damp face to him crying over the loss of Quatre, the near loss of Duo, everything I'd ever been told or know seeming to crash down, my thought fled to Trowa he had never told Quatre he loved him before he died…and I knew I didn't want to be the same. "Yarri...I...I...lov.." and that was all I managed before I passed out in his arms.

~*~

Sadly I stroked Heero's hair as he slept in my arms. He'd almost said it... How could he live like this, always forced to be perfect, to be alone and emotionless? I pressed my lips to the top of his head and stood slowly. I sat on his bed, cradling him. "Oh, Heero," I murmured. I wondered how long he would sleep. I sat thinking until I slowly slipped into slumber myself. The last thing in my mind was, He never gave me a good reason…

~*~We switch to Wufei and Trowa's perspectives here~*~

I silently slipped through the house. No now was too soon, he needed a shoulder not a suitor, he needed care not bedding. Somehow I couldn't stop myself as I walked into the room seeing Trowa hang up on the last of the Winner sisters the blonde in his lap. My onyx eyes crossed his grief-stricken face and I went to kneel by his feet I looked up at him, green-eyed angel that I had loved for so long and said not a whisper to. "Trowa..." I started unsteadily...I wasn't sure how to proceed...however could I tell him this without saying something wrong. I looked and tried a weak smile "Trowa. There's something eating at my heart...I'm sorry for Quatre's death, and I know you need comfort… Trowa… I'm there for you...in every meaning of the word..." I steeled myself nervous tension twisting my insides wringing them "Trowa...you know how I like onnas well... I don't like them...I love you Trowa.." I looked up sincerely catching his eyes hoping he didn't kill me.

~*~

I studied Wufei detachedly. I hadn't ever considered his sexuality... hell, I thought he was about as interested in girls (or boys for that matter) as would be his Gundam. And now that I had just lost Quatre... "I'm honoured, Wufei... but I can't love you back... not yet..." I said softly, looking down at the body in my lap. Slowly I stood and placed Quatre's still form on the bed. "Someday, maybe..." I said. I pulled my blood soaked shirt off and turned to face Wufei. I had never been a believer in comfort sex, but now... death has a way of making people want life, it makes them want to create life... and my body was telling me it wanted that right now. And even if I couldn't love Wufei, not yet, so soon after Quatre's death, he was still attractive and hopefully willing... "Please understand, Wufei..." I said. I stepped towards him and put my hands on his chest. I leaned in and brushed my lips over his. Pulling back slightly, my green eyes stared into his deep, probing ebony ones. "Please?"

~*~

I nodded slightly "I didn't expect that I know how deeply you cared for Winner.." I watched him as he revealed himself to my dark eyes trailing his body the smooth contours of his form. A breath caught in my throat, he was more handsome than my dreams had dared allowed me imagine, sated as he was in the 04 pilots blood I couldn't help but look at him and desire. Slowly a sign of my want rose in my baggy white trousers, easily being concealed. I closed my eyes slowly as he started to move towards me. As he reached me I rested my fingertip on his lips. "It's ok Trowa, I understand what may happen is out of grief and need not out of companionship and love, but I too am lonely, solitary, alone and I understand.." I weakly smiled and leant down to the floor before him looking up the white of my top contrasting nicely with my tanned skin. I looked imploringly at him Winner's body fading into the background. It was just he and I, not two alive and one dead body in a small room. "Trowa I want...to help you...you don't need to ask anything of me because my will is your will..." Who'd have thought that I the solitary dragon would have been so tender and willing to let him dominant over me, but grief does strange things I suppose and not everyone stays the same. I gently leant up and stroked his fine chest muscles with dexterous fingers shivering slightly that this was not a dream, though I'd dreamt of this moment several times maybe more. Again I smiled weakly then stood resting my lips on his sweeping them over his in an embrace my hand travelling up to brush into his unibang.

~*~

I wrapped my arms around Wufei's strong body and kissed him deeply. My hands strayed down the waist of his pants and the bottom of his tank top. Slowly I pulled the shirt over his head and traced a path across his golden skin with my fingers. I lightly touched his nipples and caught his lips again. Pulling back slightly, I whispered, "Beautiful..." before pressing kisses along the line of his graceful neck. One of my hands reached up to undo the hair tie that held Wufei's silky hair in a severe ponytail. The sable strands fell about his face and I ran my fingers through it. I nibbled on his collarbone, sucking gently to leave a small red mark.

~*~

He kissed me soft yet needing. I slipped my hot tongue from my mouth and gently licked his lips seeking access to his sweet mouth to taste him and know him more intimately. I wanted more but I held back for the moment. I sucked air in sharply as he brushed my nipples a soft gasp crossing my lips. I noted his comment thinking about replying but found myself unable to do so as his kisses along my neck left me breathless my heart thumping quicker in my ribcage. Normally I wouldn't have allowed anyone to touch my hair but his soft hands made it seem plausible. I tilted my head my raven gloss hair falling into his fingers, the colour so rich it would have made a raven sob in envy. Each kiss elicited a soft noise from my throat, I had no problem expressing my desire for him. I thought back to the time I had stood outside of Trowa and Quatre's room, the soft sobbing had attracted me thinking they had come to an end. Instead I found them making love Quatre crying out, and in that instant I came to realize why Quatre made so much noise, it was beautiful the scene but it made me burn with envy as the small blonde gasped and sobbed pleading for more the unibanged love in my heart's soft caresses falling on him and bringing him to new heights. I barely registered my hand gently stroking myself as I watched intently getting to half view my love and hear his soft utterances, how it were I below him not Quatre...and then it ended all three of us spilling ourselves at the same time. He didn't know and as they died to an ebb cuddling up I slunk to my room alone, depressed and disgusted with myself and the mess I was in. My thoughts drifted back to the present as those caresses that had been Quatre's were now mine, mine mine all mine viewed by the dead body on the bed as I sunk us both to the floor lying my thin hips between his leg. I gently caught his lips in a heated entangle of a kiss before cruising down his chest with a series of kisses and licks my lips catching his nipple followed by a hot sweep of my tongue over it. I trailed lower tasting working over his chest knowing each part of it with the soft caresses of my tongue.

~*~

I moaned softly as his talented mouth worked over me. My hands travelled down his body in feathery touches until they reached his pants. Gently I slipped my hands under the waistband and eased them off his hips and slender, strong legs. I laughed slightly when I realized Wufei went commando... not something I'd expected from him. No matter. I slid down his compact, muscular body. Glancing up at his face to make sure he wouldn't stop me, I dipped my tongue into the slit on his shaft.

~*~

I heard his moans, his moans for me, not for the blonde, I felt so good to hear them though it was not from love more of need, it didn't matter. His hands over me in light touches, so caring and gently I rested my head down until his hands moved over my waistband. I sharply sucked in more air panting hotly as he slid them down feeling rather indignant as he laughed, was he laughing at me, I'd show him not to laugh at Wufei pilot of Nataku. All thought though vanished as I felt a hot presence delve into the slit of my erection. I groaned softly whispering and eliciting his name into the air. A thought crossed my mind, the other pilots were still in the house, Yarri and Heero I could hear faintly then louder as their screaming hit a crescendo then stopped, had Heero killed him, I didn't know, Duo was locked in his room with no way out and Quatre wasn't going to say much...I rose my hips from the ground slightly in need then pulled away. Gently I stroked his defined cheek bones my nimble finger travelling across him as my other hand slunk down removing his trousers gently realizing he like I wore no underwear. Softly I wrapped my fingers around him teasing letting my thumb run down his desire stroking malleable flesh. I looked up at him onyx eyes full of passion and fire. "Trowa...have me...consume me...take me." I looked at him serious, I wanted to give him everything I had and everything he needed.

~*~

Smiling slightly at his words, I pulled away momentarily and reached under the bed that was so near. I fished around until I found what I was looking for- a small bottle of massage oil. I returned to Wufei and gently parted his firm thighs. I unstopped the bottle and poured the liquid onto my fingers, letting it warm up a bit before reaching down and teasing the puckered entrance. Gently, I lid one slender finger into Wufei, making sure I didn't hurt him. I carefully began stroking his inner passage, preparing him for the final step. Another finger in. I made slow scissoring motions with the digits, stretching Wufei's tight body. I decided he was prepared enough and removed my fingers from him. Quickly I poured more oil into my palm and coated my erection with it, then positioned myself above him. "Ready?" I murmured.

~*~

He looked so handsome when he smiled it seemed to change his whole disposition. Not being familiar with the habits gay lovemaking I looked at the tube intently trying to read the print on the back of the tube. I watched him intently place something on his fingertips intent on learning and mastering this technique, that however did not prepare me for what happened next. Slowly his finger slipped into my rectum, I called his name more of a whimper than a protest as a slight pain ran through my body emanating from his finger. I was a soldier, I didn't feel pain... supposedly... Slowly the pain turned to pleasure as his finger rubbed inside of me, soft moans of pain turning to moderate groans of pleasure as his experience washed over me in waves of passion. My entrance muscles relaxed slowly He must have felt it because sure enough a second finger joined the first, more discomfort as he opened me out to accommodate him but as before the pain was short lived and then the pleasure, though I knew his fingers would not feel as good as what I knew by now must becoming next as he coated himself in the same stuff he had used on me. Just watching his fingers brush over his own skin made me moan with want so strong was my urge. Then I heard his voice clearing the fog of pleasure surrounding me and intoxicating my senses. I barely could reply but for a loud protracted "Yes" noise I made as I moved my hips wider apart to accommodate him alluringly.

~*~

I moaned softly at the incredible picture below me. Wufei, hair down, ebony accenting the perfect golden hue of his skin, nude and legs spread, waiting for me. "Relax... just remember to relax..." I murmured soothingly as I slowly pressed into him for the first time. He felt like heaven, tight and hot... I paused momentarily at the slight whimper of pain from Wufei's throat. "Relax..." I whispered again. I caught his lips in a gentle kiss to distract him from the discomfort. I resumed easing into Wufei's beautiful body until I was fully sheathed between his thighs. I brushed tendrils of raven silk out of his face as I waited for Wufei to become accustomed and let me know he was ready for more.

~*~

I breathed lightly awaiting him but I didn't expect what it felt like. Slowly and protractedly I moaned feeling full torn but in union with the sleek unibanged boy above me. I froze not sure how to proceed as my inner muscles gripped around him trying to pressure him out of my virgin passage, my mind screaming at them to relax, and so we stayed locked in paralysis before my muscles started to relax around him becoming used to his length pressuring against them. My breath stroked along his face as I kissed back gently fighting past the pain as I moved my hips to his slightly wanting and needing more my copper skin brushing pure ivory silk almost a sin to touch, more inducing and sacrilegious to me than Nataku. Slowly I slid my hips past his creeping up a little before tilting them on their axis's experimentally and softly grating past him another moan of pain crossing my moist lips, I knew to meet my destination I'd have to face pain but Trowa was so gentle and beautiful it was easing me a great deal.

~*~

I moaned softly at the feel of his incredibly tight passage clenching around me... virginally tight... I hadn't known Wufei was a virgin... Therefore I had to take this even slower than I thought. Gently I began to move inside him, shallowly rocking my hips into his. I kept kissing Wufei's sweet lips, trying to distract him from the pain he felt. Slowly I sped up as I felt his body become more used to the feeling of being taken. I carefully lifted his hips up and thrust into him. I brushed the special spot inside him and smiled at him as he reacted. "Like that? That was your prostate, 'Fei..." I didn't even notice the shortening of his name at first. I traced the whorl of his delicate ear with my tongue as I continued to thrust into Wufei's willing form faster and harder, but still mindful of his disintegrating virginity and growing pleasure. My hand snaked between our lightly shimmering bodies and gently closed around his erection. I began to stroke it in time to my thrusts, bringing him closer to release as I murmured sweet nothings in his ear.

~*~

I felt his soft kisses intoxicating me almost distracting me from the pangs of pain through my rectum as he softly thrust into me trying to turn pain to pleasure. After some time my muscles started to relax to the feeling of his motions the pain subsiding slightly. I looked into his eyes onyx locking into green as he sped up slightly little beads of perspiration forming on my skin glossing it in a fine film. My spine curved elegantly as I was lifted from the floor my hips motioning up to his before a shuddering moan cascaded from my lips as I felt a fire build and explode into my body racing along the very blood in my veins as something was brushed inside of myself...I heard his soft deep clear voice telling me what it was he'd touched and I felt in wonder again at the joys of love for other males. I noted the contraction in my name and smile inwardly. The pain seemed to dissipate after I had felt that fire, I desire more, my whole body screaming out for more as my need started to crescendo but a messy hazy of contrasting notes as I tried to sustain myself and learn the ways of this wonderful experience my military mind quick as ever. I shuddered slightly as his hand brushed between us my pleasure growing more noisy as I blocked out the thought of the other pilots, one only feet away and cold, two upstairs and a third unconscious. I tried to hold out for Trowa it seemed sensible to do but in my inexperience I couldn't my cheeks flushing a heated red as I closed my misted eyes spilling hot seed between us over my abdomen and his chest my pleasure consuming me and burning me deep into my heart where I had desired the 03 pilot for a long time. My virginity was taken, claimed by him, and I was glad.

~*~

I smiled as he came, pleased that he had been fulfilled. With one more deep thrust, his hot tight passage clenching almost painfully around my arousal, I came, spilling myself into Wufei's body. I gasped passionately and captured his lips as I eased myself out of him. "Thank you, 'Fei..." I whispered. This time I noticed the nickname and grinned awkwardly. "You were... wonderful..." Wonderful did not really seem to cut it, as he had given me his virginity in one of the best experiences I'd ever had... and knew I was only really after his body... this once. I -could- love him, I knew I could, just not this soon. For now, being friends would have to cut it. I kissed him gently and reached for a cloth to clean off his messy stomach. I wiped him off and pulled him close to me, nuzzling his graceful neck. I wrapped myself around him and unconsciously began humming an old lullaby I knew. This was comforting, being with a friend and maybe a lover.

~*~

I smiled hazy through the trashing waves of pleasure rolling through my body. I closed my eyes quietly at the comment "Thank you Trowa." I commented both for the compliment and experience he'd blessed me with. I turned my head softly kissing his cheek and holding him comfortingly in my strong arms. I knew it was hard for him, his partner whom he loved deeply had died a few hours previous and was as of yet not in his grave. He had the worries of the missions hanging over him and yet was so silent and didn't turn to anyone, I was bestowed a monumental miracle with what I had seen today and I was grateful. I brushed his hair gently between me fingertips letting strands twine around my fingers. I didn't expecting to love me or even like me, I would wait until he was ready. I gently kissed atop his head and whispered Arigatou Tro-san" before resting my head on his snuggling up.

~*~Back to Heero and Yarri~*~

Slowly I regained consciousness... and with it, a distinctly uncomfortable crick in my spine from sleeping sitting up. I looked down at the boy in my arms. -Right, Heero took that stupid drug and he's still asleep...- I thought to myself, tenderly brushing some loose chocolate hair out of his face. He looked so young and innocent... and his mask of ice had melted somewhat. I hadn't been really prepared for Heero's break down into tears, but I figured if he wasn't harder when he woke up than he was before he dissolved, then there was no where to go but the metaphorical up. I wondered when he'd awake so I could (hopefully) hear him finish what he had started before he lost it.

~*~

Soft strokes, silk in velvet, hair tangled mess, I came round, not a sound, not a metaphorical change in myself, just coldness, fear I dare not open my eyes, frozen like my heart I lay and waited, I felt drowsy and was not sure of where I was nor what had happened. Soft fingers stroked my face, I resisted the urge to ask if it was my mother, scared to unsheathe cobalt ice. And so I lay, trying to gain an inner reasoning to my situation, and slowly I felt it, a slow surge, coldness creep forth and snarl my heart in it's iced mesh. Quatre, I remembered now, haunted by green eyes so full of grief they looked like the soul died within them, but then who by my bed bade? I whispered softly the first name that wormed its way into my head "Duo?" by the shattering silence I knew I had guessed wrong. I swallowed softly the saline quality to my lips teasing me into opening my eyes to see who it was that comforted me so, and then I saw him, bathed in light almost seeming to resonate it ... Yarri...his cheek still reddened from where I had struck him. I did not know what to say, so I let the silence hang, blanket the room, while I tried to understand what was in my heart and mind.

~*~

I sat in frozen silence. "Duo?" echoed in my mind, the syllables ringing over and over. Mechanically I kept stroking his hair and cheek as painful tears started to threaten in my eye. Finally the silence was overwhelming and I either had to break it or go insane. "You never gave me a good reason why I couldn't fight, Heero." I wondered... had the sentence cut off by drug-induced sleep been 'I love Duo' instead of what I had assumed, 'I love you'? I waited in infinitely painful silence for Heero's answer, actions... any movement from the boy in my arms... the boy I loved no matter what.

~*~

I looked away, memories exploded into my mind. Damn. I'd said Duo, what was I thinking...what was it about this boy, this boy bathed in light almost angelical sitting beside me that was making me into such a coward, such a failure, one of had to die, I knew then I couldn't kill him, it would be I that would sacrifice my life, but not now, in a mission, so it could be passed of as duty, and seeing as such then I had nothing to fear in telling him what he wished to know, I had once told Trowa to lead a good life was to follow your emotions, yet I had no emotions until…Yarri…did that mean I led a bad life, a life of hatred and pain, or just that I didn't know that life could hold so much pleasure and yet so much crushing pain. And so I spoke, quiet methodical, monotone. Dead. "I do not want you to pilot the 04 because I do not want you harmed, I don't want to make a mistake and lose another of my fellow pilots. You haven't been in a Gundam for a long time, you're a liability, and you know as well as I that our missions don't have a fraction for mistake." Bang. I knew I'd hurt him...why couldn't I just say...I don't want you hurt because I love you and if you fight you may get hurt. Why was it so hard dammit?! What was stopping me...I barely remembered what I'd said before I passed out, I knew it was something, something important but it was like mist, every time I reached out to grab it, it dissolved in my hand as if it had never been there. Then again, what good would come for not letting Yarri fight? Push him away my mind tore at me trying to initial total shut down of human traits once more and make me a killing machine once more, because that is all I am worth, death my only calling. Yes. Yes...but it wouldn't be long...and then...I too would know death.

~*~

I felt my face fall into the hard, stony expression that had been habitual at school. Slowly I rose from the bed, still holding Heero. I turned and dropped him in an undignified heap on the covers before stalking to the door. "Stupid prick," I said coldly over my shoulder. "Why can't you make up your mind? First you bring me here, then call me koishii, beat up Duo, then break down... you almost said 'I love' someone. Then you woke up... you're cold again. And I don't know whom you were going to say you loved. Now I'm wondering if I want to know, or if I should just walk straight out that door and back to the school. I can't do this Heero, I'm not you. I'm not -perfect. -" A last parting glare at him and I walked slowly out the door. I moved at a snail's pace down the hall. I half-hoped he wouldn't come after me so I could nurse my broken heart in peace. The other half wished he -would- come after me and tell me he loved me, that he was sorry. I heard muted sounds coming from one closed door and I figured that it was Trowa mourning Quatre. I wondered if I even could walk out the door like I'd threatened... or had I promised? I didn't even know. If I did, I'd probably end up stealing Heero's car to drive back to the school, which would in turn bring him to get it back, meaning I could see him again... or I could wait around and hope he came down, meaning I could see him again... I could have him drive me back... I could start walking and have him come find me... I yelled at myself in my head. I was obsessing! I was behaving like a stupid weak schoolgirl with a crush! I picked up my pace and headed for the front door. Unless something happened, I was going back to that stupid school and the war could be damned.

~*~

His expression changed as I felt myself cringe, I knew it as I'd said it, it would hurt him, that wasn't my intention, I didn't want him hurt. I struck the bed and recoiled the pain of my wounds still fresh my ribs creaking with the pressure. I sat quietly on the bed ready to take anything he threw at me, I knew I deserved it, hell I even wanted him to hit me. I'd tried to be cold, I'd tried to put a barrier between us right from the start, at one point I'd even tried to kill him. So why did it hurt when he walked away? Then his last stinging comment...but he was he was he was, more perfect than I could ever be, I'd proven that time and time again, my failure, my letting him close, my letting Quatre die, my hurting him so. So this is what pain was, it hurt more than broken bones, blades it hurt deeper than anything I'd ever felt, I wasn't to tell him I thought he was perfect, but I couldn't my throat only made a strange squeaking sound. I curled up on my bed before swinging my fist at a dagger imbedding it deeply into my knuckles. Slowly I watched blood stain white sheet with my life a detached interest in my eyes. I stood quietly, I glanced from the window wincing glass on glass as eyes and window looked through one another. He was outside. I had to stop him. I flung myself through the window shards of glass clinging to my every position digging deeper into my flesh to take the pain in my heart as the blade of the dagger still hung in my wound. I landed at his feet glassy eyes looking up. "Yarri...I..." Spit it out Heero...say it...there's nothing wrong with acting on your emotions...Trowa's voice echoed, he hadn't had the chance. Seize it. "Yarri...I...I...aishiteru!" I yelled the sound resounding and echoing around the forest as I looked up at him pained cobalt eyes. "Perfect...ha...I'm not perfect…I'm pathetic...but you...you are perfect and…" The pain made my eyes close "and I wanted to tell you that before you left...because I think you ought to know." I felt numb for voicing my own feelings. I fell silent at his feet blood and glass...glass of my shattered mask lying around me leaving me bare.

~*~

"You never can do things half way, can you, Heero..." I said as I knelt beside him. "Baka, what's the point of saying you love me if you're going to bleed to death five minutes later?" I gingerly picked him up, mindful of the broken glass around him, and ran inside with him. I took him back to his bedroom, pausing momentarily to yell through the closed door that Trowa needed to come help me patch Heero up. I immediately took in the stained sheets and groaned. "Heero, what is it with you and sharp objects? You're supposed to hurt -other- people with them, not yourself!" I groaned as I started ripping up the sheet to make bandages until Trowa showed up. Carefully I began pulling shards of glass out of Heero's ripped up skin, putting them aside. Trowa arrived moments later, followed by Wufei. Their rumpled appearance wormed its way into my mind but I disregarded it for the time being. Right now, Heero was in moderate danger from the cuts he received. Trowa muttered to himself and pulled a first aid kit out from under the bed and handed it to Wufei; he pulled a bag of bandages out as well. Painstakingly we began to bind our friend's wounds. I grimaced at the knife wound on his hand. I made a mental note to never leave sharp pointy things where Heero could get them. "Heero, I love you, but you're being an idiot about this," I grumbled when he tried to help with the bandaging. I swiped his hands away and we finally finished cleaning him up. I thanked Wufei and Trowa politely and they left… maybe it was my imagination but there was a definite warmth between them… whatever. I eased onto the bed, not wanting to jar Heero anymore than I had by dropping him earlier and then his fall. I winced inwardly at that… too late now. I gently pulled him close to me and absently stroked his hair. It was becoming an obsession, the way his chocolate hair seemed to pull my fingers in to play with it. "Hope you're happy, koi…" I murmured. "You stopped me and now there's no way to get rid of me…" I kissed the top of his head. "Love you, Heero… but you didn't need to jump out a window to tell me that. Opening it would have worked just as well…"And I am not perfect... but I do want to fight, and unless Wi- Quatre made radical changes to Sandrock, I will be perfectly competent in the cockpit." I resisted the urge to say, 'Just like riding a bicycle.' I didn't think he'd get it.

~*~

I sighed softly...then conceded, I was too injured to do anything to resist him at the moment, and besides where would I recruit a good pilot anyway... so I nodded slightly my eyes closing a little "Alright, but only for the moment as I think it will be a trial...of course you'll have to ask Trowa..." I motioned to the leaving unbranded pilot a little mystified at his subtle glances at Wufei, passing them off as grief. I opened one eye to look at him and brushed him with my eye undressing him slowly where I was too injured to my eyes trailing his fine features, had I have smiled I would have done then but I don't smile, not yet, not until ...not until ever...perhaps. Thought I am sure if anyone will see my smile it will be Yarri, though he is still furious. Looks cute when he's mad, first thought in my head and I closed my eye gratefully "Hn." I whispered.

~*~

"Thanks, Heero..." I murmured and kissed his forehead. "Ai shiteru..." I slowly replaced Heero on the bed, careful not to jar any of his older injuries or his newer ones. "Baka," I said affectionately. "You have to stop getting hurt or we'll never have any fun!" Nuzzling his ear, I whispered, "No more pretty sounds..."

~*~

I would have laughed if I didn't think I'd break my ribs by doing so or the fact that my own laughing would have scared me. I opened both eyes "You know, I'm beginning to think you have a one track mind" Of course I knew that it was only his feelings for myself that made him so passionate, it scared me almost, that he seemed to be so close to me at every second, it was a good feeling but a strange one to me. With Duo it'd started off as loneliness and need, frustration even, and so it had been a crescendo until we regularly slept in the same room, never for companionship, the result always the musky scent of sex hanging in the air, of course at the time neither of us complained, it was mutual, but still...I never felt like I did now, that if he left my side it would feel like being shot...but he had taken it further, that was why Quatre was dead now, he'd admitted it. It was both of our faults, mine as much as his, if only he'd never thought I loved him too...Thoughts of that fled my mind as I gingerly reached up brushing Yarri's cheek "Hai koishii, I'll be good and then…" a moment passed as I glanced at him exchanging that unspoken message hoping he'd understand.

~*~

I walked in to see Trowa and Wufei on opposite sides of the room. They kept casting glances at each other and then blushing. I was mildly confused so I spoke up. "Hi... Heero's resting so I thought I'd come down." I looked down at the floor. Great, Yarri, you finally get to meet the pilots and you're -shy-. I looked up again at Wufei. "I don't think we got properly introduced. I'm Yarri Sadi." Wufei raised one eyebrow and said, "Chang Wufei, pilot 05," before looking away.

~*~

I looked up from the table at Wufei as he spoke my green meeting his ebony. "I have no name but if you have to call me anything I'm Barton, Trowa Barton, pilot of the 03." I held out my hand my eyes finally tearing themselves away from the blushed amber to meet one ice blue eye, my right eye hiding behind a multitude of dark brown bangs. "Pleasure I'm sure."

~*~

"Pleasure is all mine." I shook Trowa's hand. "Where are you guys from?" I asked, curious. Wufei was easy to place as Chinese, L5, but Trowa was a bit of an enigma. Wufei scowled at me. "L5." Dur, I had figured that part out already.

~*~

I glanced at him suspiciously, but then, he *was* Heero's friend and how many people did I know that Heero trusted, I could have counted them on one hand with ease. The blonde haired boy must have something special to allow Heero to jump through a window to stop him leaving and that look that haunted his darkened blue eyes as he lay on the bed watching his *koishii* as he patched him up plagued my mind, so if Heero trusted him then I would also. "I'm from L3" I spoke softly as if trying to remember my roots, though they were fresh in my mind, like cut grass. "England" was my next comment as I let my green eyes slip downwards to the floor. "And yourself?"

~*~

"L4. I'm Arabian, like Quatre." Oops. Shouldn't have said that... I didn't want to rub it in any more than possible that I was alive and Quatre wasn't. My blue eye watched him carefully, ready to apologise if necessary. I also steeled myself to ask about Sandrock. Wufei glared at me momentarily, then moved to put his hand on Trowa's shoulder.

~*~

I looked down my fragile feelings trembling slightly as he spoke those words, yet he reminded me very much of Quatre, the same blonde hair, crystal blue eyes, yet the two were so different also, two desert roses picked apart. Yet I knew he felt bad or the comparison. I felt the warmth of Wufei's hand over my shoulder and felt slightly eased. "It's ok, I know you didn't mean it in that way, and I can see some resemblance between the pair of you. Is there anything I can do to help you?" He seemed restless to me as if something weigh heavy on his mind, but then, he had just seen Heero jump from a first floor window and that would have daunted even the stoutest heart.

~*~

"Umm," I said, apprehensive about my next request. I steeled myself and said, "Where's Sandrock? I'm to pilot it again and wish to look over any modifications Quatre made."

~*~

My eyebrows shot up into my bangs disappearing as my green eyes turned to him, one hidden behind a plethora of sleek brown gravity defying hair, that to but it without hyperbole was not the statement I was expecting. I let a breath slide past my lips slowly, I'd never expected the Sandrock to have another pilot so swiftly, little less someone I had no connection to. This would be hard extremely hard, every time I saw that suit in action I'd think of Quatre, but then a fitting memory that his suit fought where his body could not. "Are you familiar with the workings?" I asked cautiously, it wouldn't be like Yuy to send a novice into Sandrock for the mission's sake no matter how much he did or did not feel for the boy stood before me. Of course I had no clue o his past and was speculative of his prowess. "Heero sent you?" was the next question before I rested my shoulder up more firmly in the solace of Wufei's warm hand seeking reassurance. Then again why not, it would be good to see the Sandrock in motion, despite how it would pain me. So I nodded quietly my breathing slightly uneasy. "You'll find it in the third sector of the forest under a camouflage canopy. Again I'd have to trust Heero's charge, but then Heero's faith was hard to come by so it satisfied me.

~*~

I answered Trowa quietly. "I was the original pilot for Sandrock before I lost my eye and was proclaimed unfit. Heero is letting me use the suit again once as a trial, and I intend to pass and fight for Quatre's memory." I bowed slightly. "Thank you for telling me where Sandrock is. Excuse me." I turned and walked out of the kitchen, out of the house, pausing at Heero's car to grab a map of the forest, and into the woods. I made my way towards the third sector and found Sandrock, hidden under the camouflage. "Hello again, Sandrock," I said quietly. "It's good to see you again." I set about examining the suit, looking over external changes and climbing up examine what I could of the closed cockpit.