Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Roller Coaster ❯ One-Shot

Roller Coaster

By: rainjewel

A/N: My first songfic! *does insane victory dance* To Blink 182 of all things. Sorry, this bugger just popped up into my mind one day. And guess what! It's really not that sad. Stop looking at me like that. Yes, I can actually write something that has a happy ending.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam boys. I do not own Blink-182. If this should change you'll all be the first to know.

Timeline: Series through EW. That means spoilers for Endless Waltz. Well, kind of. I take some of the parts of EW and slice and dice 'em. It's definitely not like the movie, but it runs along the same premise. Sue me. ^.^

Pairings: 1x2x1

/ denotes song lyrics /

denotes thoughts and/or emphasis

***

/ Breathing deeply

Walking backwards

Finding strength to call and ask her /

Heero walked down the long driveway. He did it slowly, letting his presence be known to the occupant of the house before him. The wind bit into his arms and legs, which were bare as usual. The trees that surrounded the driveway only blocked out the view of the house, not the cold.

He looked up to the building before him. It was a large, dusty mansion from the pre-colony days. It was probably some cast-off of a rich aristocrat who had lost his fortune or a duke's forgotten summer getaway. Whatever the reason, Heero was pleased with the house. There were many rooms from the looks of it. Not too many windows, though.

Heero quietly stepped up onto the porch, wincing inwardly as his leg sang with pain. The mission had gone well; he had completely wiped out the OZ base and had only suffered from one gunshot wound to the leg.

As expected, the door opened before he reached it. A figure stepped into the threshold. Duo leaned against the doorframe, one arm propped above his head. He was wearing a black T-shirt and red plaid flannel pajama pants. His chestnut hair was mussed and half-braided, the end flowing and curling around his hips. His eyes sparkled, but Heero couldn't tell if it was from the sun or smug glee.

Heero stopped in front of him, stone cold and silent. Duo ran his eyes up and down Heero's body, then quirked an eyebrow.

The American smiled gently and held out his hand. "Tank top and spandex in 40 degree weather, Heero?"

Heero stepped up to the violet-eyed boy, brushing his hip against the out-stretched hand. Duo's grin widened, barely. Heero loosely placed his hands on the small of Duo's back, then leaned his head against the other pilot's shoulder.

Duo wrapped his arms around Heero. He placed a few light kisses on the Japanese boy's head.

"Go ahead," he whispered.

Relieved, Heero closed his eyes and moved his arms up so they encircled Duo's neck. Then he let his body relax as Duo picked him up off the ground and carried him inside.

***

/ Roller coaster, favorite ride

Let me kiss you one last time /

I don't know when I fell.

Perhaps it was during the times he spent holding me in those cold dorm rooms, chasing away the nightmares. Or perhaps it was when he reached out towards me, blindly, and kissed me in that darkened OZ prison cell.

But I think it happened the minute I met him. The second that first shot rang out, I was his.

Today is October 11, AC 195. This marks the six-month…anniversary of this little "relationship." A.K.A, that's how long we've been fucking.

I know I sound cold. I am cold. I am Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier. I am a machine. I am not human. I have no soul, and I certainly have no emotions.

Well, that is until Duo came along.

Duo, with his smile and his laughter, his infectious curiosity, his incessant chatter. Duo, with his stealth capabilities, his extraordinary piloting techniques, his crazy antics. Duo, with his full lips and gorgeous violet eyes, his luxurious chestnut hair, his skin the color of ivory.

I can't figure him out. He's the one thing in the universe that has never made sense to me-besides war, that is. Duo's life has been anything but happy-he's never told me about his past, but I've done my research…now I know why he cries out the name "Solo" in the middle of the night. It was worth all the time I spent hunting down his old gang mates to find out about my…my…about Duo.

He still smiles. He wraps himself in the horrors of the past and still keeps smiling.

I don't understand it. I don't understand how life could be so cruel to this vibrant, wonderful, beautiful creature-a boy who cackles merrily as he kills, all under the name of Shinigami. And he doesn't like it. He hates the thought of taking another life; it's evident in his face.

Everything can be seen on his face. Emotions flow across those angelic features continuously.

His face shows the sadness he feels for the death of other soldiers, but I've never seen regret.

How free he is. I have a mask made of stone-gundanium, if you will. Duo thrives on danger, which has to explain how he can be so free with his emotions. He ends up caring for so much…and destroying most of it in the end.

But he'll do it with a smile.

A beautiful smile that would make angels weep. If they existed, that is.

Duo is my complete opposite. Everything I am not, he is. And I am not a lot of things.

Duo is a paradox. Duo is spontaneous. Duo is caring. Duo is an accident waiting to happen.

Duo is beautiful.

I suppose it's no wonder I fell in love with him. I hate him for it, of course. I hate him, and I despise myself.

Duo is the unknown variable that was thrown into the cool calculated equation that used to be my life, used to be myself. He confuses me to no end. He annoys me to no end. I love him to no end.

But, on that bright, emotion-laden face, I do not see love. I see caring, I see sadness, and I see need. Yes, Duo needs me. But he doesn't love me.

I hate him. I hate the fact that I want him, I need him to love me.

For a long time I thought I could keep this little liaison going without really feeling anything. We both are stressed out, we're both hormone-ravaged teenagers…it'll only be a little outlet for our sexual frustration.

But of course, I had to go and fuck it all up. Like I said, I fell in love with him. First sight, first shot.

Which is why this has got to stop. I can't keep running to him after every mission, after every lonely night, after every bad dream. This obsession has to end, before it kills me and takes him with it. For him every night spent with me has to be like rape-let Heero use you, just one more time, because that bastard can't get his act together. Duo's always been a generous individual, but there will be a limit to his reserves, even if he doesn't realize it yet.

The last thing in the universe I want to do is hurt him in any way.

Tonight will be the last time I come here.

Just like the last time I stayed over, and the time before that.

***

/ Leave me standing here

Act like I'm not around

The coast will probably never clear

Can I please go home now? /

Duo smiled as Heero mumbled in his sleep. It was amazing how peacefully the Wing Zero pilot could sleep. Duo carefully wrapped his arms around Heero and pulled the boy closer to his body. Heero nuzzled his neck in his sleep, then rested his head against Duo's shoulder and slept on.

"Ah yes, you're safe to sleep. You'll always be safe with me," he whispered.

How he savored these moments. They never lasted long. Heero would only stay for a few hours or a day. If he stayed too long there was always the messy idea of becoming emotionally "attached."

As if that hadn't already happened. Duo smiled wryly. It was amusing, in a way. He had tried to capture the heart of the only person who, well, didn't have one. It was like trying to kill a soldier who had already died.

Waste of time, waste of ammo. Waste of emotion that was best left kept under wraps.

Duo smiled and pushed away the annoying little thoughts that always seemed to infiltrate his brain. He could handle this…as long as he didn't become cynical. If he could keep from becoming jaded, then this would work. Until the war ended and they all moved on, this would work.

He ran his hand down along Heero's cheek. So soft, this skin.

Duo closed his eyes. The next time he opened them Heero was gone.

***

-excerpt from the private log of gundam pilot 02 -

First off, this is not a diary. This is not a journal. This is…my thoughts on paper. I just have to get them out from inside my head, where they bang around like a cacophony of bats. Of course, all of this will all be burned before the ink dries.

Can't have Heero finding this. Dangerous information is running around in here, oh Yessiree Bob. He'd kill me in an instant. Omae o korosu, just like that. Thank god he's gone now so I don't have to scribble in the dark and run around hiding all my pictures of him or the random, half-crazed poems I jot down when jacking off gets old. Sometimes the words just flow and I can't stop them. Release is release, no matter how you do it.

Yeah, I know I'm hopeless. Been that way for along time. I can't help myself; I'm a romantic (though, I just used the words "jacking off" and that doesn't sound particularly romantic). I want the flowers, the chocolate, the knight riding in on a white gundam-er, horse. Give me the whole works. However, I'm also a realist. That shit ain't ever going to happen. Seriously, could you imagine Heero showing up with a bouquet of roses, wearing some sharp, classic tux and whisking me off into the sunset?

You can? Hmm…I have three words for you: CAT scan, now.

This game we're playing…I'm losing. Badly. It even surprised me that I fell so hard for ol' Spandex Boy. You'd think that after…after…never mind. I promised myself I'd never let my guard down and never ever care about another person.

Well, that went over like a lead balloon. I've never been able to not care about someone. I find it impossible to distance myself from the world around me and the people who live in it. Tell me, how could I fight for a cause if I didn't care about it? I could never do as well as I have without caring deeply for the other people out there, the people whose lives will be affected by every move I make. I take everything personally. In my mind there isn't any other way to take it.

And so I suppose it was easy for Heero, the Perfect Soldier, to storm right through my defenses, my walls, and totally take me over. Ninmu kanryou.

But sweet Jesus, I wouldn't change it for anything. I don't care how much it hurts when this is all over and done with. I don't even care if it kills me.

I want him that badly. I love him.

…Heero Yuy…

What can I really say? I've never met someone so beautiful or innocent as he is. Sure, he might be the most dangerous and violent individual in the known universe, but he's blameless. You can't blame a machine for doing its job.

But is he really a machine? I don't think so. There's so much lying underneath all that training, all those years of blood that he doesn't really see. To the rest of the world he's a cold shell-ice upon ice.

He has warm, golden skin. He's an unemotional bastard for the most part, but he makes love with tenderness beyond comprehension. His eyes are constantly searching for the slightest displeasure in my demeanor. His callused hands transform into silk and his kisses are soft…so very soft.

Heero proves his humanity to me time and time again.

If only it were his love.

***

/ I had that dream about you again

Where I wait outside

Until you let me in

And there I stayed /

Hilde looked at her computer monitor, drinking in the cheery face of Duo Maxwell. He was sitting in an armchair, his long legs dangling over one arm and his head pillowed on the other. Absently he was sucking on a bright red lollipop.

"I'm sorry Hilde-babe," he was saying, running a hand along his braid. "I thought I'd be back sooner. Perhaps in another week or two."

"Duo, it's war. I understand," Hilde said. Her voice was bright and tinny. "And unlike some people, I have patience."

Duo rolled his eyes and batted his eyelashes. "You aren't insinuating that I'm impatient, are you?"

A shadow moved off screen. "Two minutes," said a familiar monotone.

"Aahh…" Duo began apologetically, looking over at the shadow.

Hilde's look sharpened, her anger suddenly sparked. "Duo, you're sorry for too much."

On impulse she reached over and cut the connection. Hilde ran her hands through her hair, tugging at the locks without pulling them out.

She closed her eyes and slumped forward. "…I could love you so much better."

***

/ Lay beside me

And listen at the wall

We'll keep on lying

Until the summer comes /

Heero let out a low grunt as Wing Zero touched down onto the ground. He ignored the pain he felt rippling through his body from numerous injuries.

Unfortunately he'd never have to put up with them again. He'd never have to put up with the blood and the pain, he'd never have to put up with Dr. J and his incessant missions, and he'd never ever have to get in this goddamn gundam again.

And he'd never have to see Duo again.

The war was over. He'd saved the Earth by blowing up that damn falling ship into a billion itsy-bitsy little pieces. He'd faced almost certain death (at least, that's what he was aiming for) but had been saved by the voice of an angel who called himself Shinigami.

Said angel was currently tumbling out of his mobile suit's cockpit, his face shiny and exuberant.

Heero, conscious of the fact that no one could see him, let a genuine smile paint his lips. He hated Duo fiercely, but he loved him more than anything else in the universe. Which was precisely why this was going to hurt so much.

He opened the hatch and slid down onto the pavement, just in time to see Duo give Trowa what must have been the biggest hug of his life.

"WE DID IT!" the American cried. He bounced off of the tall pilot and slammed into Quatre, picking the small blonde up and twirling him in circles.

"Yes Duo, we did it, but you don't have to squeeze me to death in celebration," Quatre said through his giggles.

"Whoops, sorry Q-man!" Duo placed the Arabian back on the ground. Quatre stumbled dazedly over to Trowa.

Wufei approached the trio. Heero saw a small, mischievous glint in Duo's eyes. Suddenly the braided boy took off running towards the Chinese boy. Wufei barely had time to screech the word "Injustice!" before Duo wrapped him in a full body glomp, sending him crashing to the ground.

"WUFFIE! WE WON!" Duo yelled. Wufei, from his pinned position, rolled his eyes.

"Maxwell, you imp, get off of me," he said, but he was grinning from ear to ear.

"Party poopers, everyone of you," Duo said, disentangling himself from Wufei. He stood up and turned around.

Heero caught his gaze and held it. The American's shoulders drooped a little. Trowa glanced in his direction and began herding Quatre and Wufei off to another location.

Duo began walking towards him, a crooked grin spreading across his features. When he reached Heero, he stuck out his hand.

"I'd rather glomp ya, but I don't fancy the idea of a semi-automatic up my nose," he said.

Heero reluctantly reached out and shook the American's hand, silent.

"You had us scared there for a minute," Duo said. Heero noted how he said "us," instead of "me."

"You shouldn't have called me," he replied.

Duo chuckled wryly. "And let you die unnecessarily? Forget it. There are people down here who need you."

Heero's heart caught. Did Duo mean himself?

"Hn."

"I mean come on, what the hell would I say to Relena?" Duo said, his eyebrows raised. His look was adorable and condemning.

Heero looked over to the side, away from the violet heat of the other boy's gaze. He felt Duo's hand still in his from the handshake. Suddenly he yanked the American forward, embracing him hard. He buried his hands in Duo's braid, his face in Duo's neck.

For the last time, he reminded himself. This is the very last time.

"I don't need you," he said, drinking in the smell of his…his…of Duo. Not his lover, not his boyfriend, not his anything. Just Duo.

"I know," the American whispered. He let himself be crushed in Heero's grip, just as he'd let himself be taken months before.

"The war is over," Heero continued. Duo's skin was as smooth as silk.

Duo was fighting for air, and Heero knew it. "I know."

"I'm going to see Relena," he whispered, unmerciless. His heart was ripped to ribbons.

"I know." Duo raised a weak hand and tousled Heero's hair. "Tell her I said hi, ok?"

To Heero, those innocent words were more damning then his falsified, hateful ones. He'd flung his scathing remarks directly at the American, in hopes of making the boy hate him. Hate him as much as he hated himself.

But Duo didn't even care. Silly Heero, trying to be all badass again. Sorry Heero, I never gave a damn. Tell Relena I said hi, Heero.

Heero dropped his arms. He could almost feel the air rushing back into Duo's lungs.

He stepped back. Duo smiled at him.

"Hn." He smirked.

And then he walked away.

***

/ I had that dream about you again /

-excerpt from the private log of gundam pilot 02 -

the end the

end forever end

was today and it

came in blood

my ice prince

my shooting star

is gone

and never ever

-loved me-

is coming back

he said he didn't need me

it's a lie, it's a lie

because knew he needed me

or why would he pull

my braid and kiss me right

behind my knee in

that little way he has?

I needed that. he needed it too

he said the war was

over and he was right

because I know my heart lost

and it shouldn't have even been

there…my heart is neither

civilian or soldier but it

is broken

in pieces

shattered like my

tears that I won't

cry

ever not one drop

he said he was

going to her

that little cunt bitch

who is this world's last hope

I fought for her

I fought for him

but I fought for her

and he did too

her shooting star

my shooting star

my lover

he didn't say I Love You

which I knew he wouldn't

but he didn't say he never

loved me because

if he had I would hope

that he was merely trying to

convince himself

convince my shooting star

that bastard I love him

because when he'd take me

he'd never call out as he came

but his face would dissolve

for me, for me

and no one else

especially not some peaceful

princess who could never

ever ever ever

understand him

not the way I could

not the way I can

but he belongs to her

he should belong to no one

but he belongs to her

and she took my heart as well

my ice prince

my shooting star

I have lost

lost utterly

lost you but

I never had you

except at night

between my legs

and I want you

want you there again

even if you never

said I Love You.

***

/ Where you drive my car

Right off a fucking cliff /

-AC 196-

Duo stared at the doors. The cries of Mariemaia's soldiers penetrated the thick steel and taunted his ears.

There was nowhere to go, there was nothing to do. Perhaps Quatre wouldn't be getting a reply to that email.

"Well hell," he muttered. "I made it through the Eve Wars and now I'm going to get axed by a seven-year-old's GI Joes."

Even Trowa looked grimmer than usual. "So this is the end."

Heero, of course, stayed stoic and unperturbed.

Duo turned and looked at both of the boys. He grinned at Trowa and looked over to Heero, his face cheerfully masked. Gods, that boy was beautiful. Duo supposed that if this was truly the end, he might as well make the most of it.

"Hey Heero, I-"

The Japanese boy cut him off. "Duo, I need a favor."

Duo blinked and felt slightly hopeful. "What?"

"Hit me," Heero said.

"What?" he repeated. "Have you gone crazy?"

"Just hit me. Hard," Heero said.

"Well all right," Duo drawled. "But I'm not going to take it easy on you."

Why should he? Damn bastard deserved to be smacked. Duo wound up his fist and let his anger flow through him. Goddamn Heero for never loving him.

The punch resounded across the room as Duo's fist connected with blue-eyed boy's cheek.

And then suddenly, all the oxygen in the room seemed to have vanished.

Duo panted, trying to gasp for air. Then he realized the familiar rock-hardness of Heero's fist implanted in his solar plexus. His body curled, attempting to double over.

"Why…why?" he managed to wheeze.

"It's for your own good," Heero whispered.

Duo felt numb as the blackness began to encroach on his vision. He felt himself falling-of course, he was falling into the arms of his lover…recently betrayed again.

***

"Damn it!"

Trowa's usually calm voice cut through the comm unit like a knife.

"Are you out?" Quatre asked.

"Yeah, I've used up all my ammo," Trowa said. "Went faster than I thought."

Heero listened intently in his cockpit, Wing Zero suspended far above the other four gundams. If he dropped about a hundred feet he'd be in the range of their radar. If he dropped about three hundred feet he'd be in range to blow Mariemaia's compound to smithereens.

So far the talk on the ground was not good. Trowa was out of bullets, Sandrock was on its last leg-one more well aimed blow and it would be the end of the desert gundam. Wufei's Altron was beat up and on low power, but still hanging on. Duo was-

"Ohhh shit," came Duo's annoyed voice. "Well, I guess it's time for my last backup scythe."

The sudden sound of a large blast boomed through the open communication line, followed by a low groan from the American pilot.

Heero froze.

"Duo?" Quatre asked, his voice lined with worry.

"Yeah Kat?" Duo replied.

"Are you alright?"

"Q-man, worry about yourself for once," chided the longhaired boy. "It takes a hell of a lot more than a few pink Barbie boys to take down Shinigami."

Heero felt the corner of his mouth twitch in the beginnings of a smirk. Disgusted, he slammed down a lever and dropped his mobile suit a good two hundred feet.

The reaction was immediate.

"Heero?!" chorused four voices.

"I'm going to blow up the compound," he told them.

"Good," Trowa replied, "We'll take care of the ground troops." The HeavyArms pilot went back to work.

"We don't have a lot of time, Yuy," Wufei commented. "But we'll cover you."

"Roger that," Heero replied. He took a risk and glanced in the direction of the Deathscythe Hell. It was in bad shape, suffering from multiple hits and a missing left hand. Duo, of course, remained unfazed.

Heero contacted Dekim, checking to see if the fortress's shield was in tact. He didn't want to obliterate the compound if it wasn't necessary.

He grinned as the ground shuddered from the blast of his twin buster rifle. Warning lights flickered on in the cockpit, telling him of the damage he was inflicting on his gundam. He ignored them and took aim.

Suddenly a blow rocked Wing Zero.

"Shit!" yelled Duo. "Damn Heero, sorry man. I'll take care of that."

Heero flicked on his ground visual. There was a group of enemy suits clustered to the left of him. In their midst was a huge space cannon. Shinigami was headed directly for it.

"Negative, 02. You don't have the firepower to take on a group that size. Pull out," he ordered.

"Oh yeah? Who died and made you God?" Duo retorted, his voice eerily cheery. "Now do me a favor and break through that fortress."

"Don't be a fool!" Heero said, lowering his rifle. A weird fear crept through his veins and bit his heart. Strange.

"Hmm, seems like these bastards have seen Shinigami. Well, they only get to see a sight like that once, and that's on their way out of this world!" Duo cried. He charged into the midst of the enemy suits, scythe flailing. Shots rained down upon the black gundam.

Heero bit his lip. Adrenaline rushed his system. Quickly he hefted the large rifle up and targeted the compound. The second blast ripped through his gundam, causing Wing Zero to shake as the energy drainage tore the machine to pieces.

"One more," he whispered to himself. "For the last time."

Carefully, slower than he would have liked, he raised the gun one last time. Wing Zero screamed in protest, the gundanium moaning as it moved.

"I can't make it!" Duo's panicked voice suddenly cut through his concentration. "Heero, I can't get to the beam cannon! Get out of the way!"

"Another negative 02. This world needs peace, and for that peace they need Relena. This world does not need a useless soldier," Heero replied, calmed and relieved. "Wing Zero is falling to pieces. Get out of there while you can, Duo."

Before Duo could reply, a bright yellow light flared up on Heero's left side. However, before the cannon's shot reached Wing Zero, a black shadow appeared before him.

The blast hit the dark form in a brilliant display of light.

In the sudden illumination, Heero recognized the shape of Deathscythe Hell.

Duo had taken the shot for him.

"Duo!" Heero screamed. His fellow pilots echoed his cry.

The black gundam fell to the ground, causing an explosion as it hit the soil. At the same moment, Mariemaia's compound collapsed, Heero's shot hitting its mark.

And then Wing Zero all but disintegrated around him.

***

/ And now I'm breathing deeply

Walking backwards

Finding strength to call and ask her /

Duo spent three days in the hospital before I took him home. When I want to I can be a very impatient individual.

It's amazing how many versions of myself there are. I am Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier. I am Heero Yuy, Gundam Pilot 01. I am Heero Yuy, Murderer of Thousands. I am Heero Yuy, Fairytale Knight of Relena's Imagination.

And I hate every single version of myself.

On Christmas Eve AC 196, I was the Perfect Soldier…almost. I cried out when Duo fell, but after I rolled out of the crumbling Wing Zero, I went immediately into the compound to rescue Relena, my peace-loving, disillusioned stalker. I left Duo to the others. He was not my objective. It was Trowa who finished destroying Mariemaia's soldiers. It was Quatre who dragged EMTs to the fallen God of Death. It was Wufei who pulled him, broken and bleeding, from the wreckage.

It was I, Heero Yuy, the Bastard, who caused it all.

After I collapsed inside the compound, Relena took me to the hospital. She kept a vigil by my bedside, despite the fact that Duo was in critical condition only three rooms down. I was merely unconscious. Duo was a step away from being six feet under. Yet Relena stayed with me. My poor princess. She doesn't realize that she merely loves me. She is not, and never will be, in love with me.

Relena was gone the night I snuck Duo out of the hospital. I had awakened the day before and she had left to make a speech. Trowa had taken Quatre home and Wufei had gone with Sally to visit a certain six-year-old. I'm pretty sure a crash course on "justice" took place. The only person I had to contend with was that Hilde Schbeiker girl, Duo's Relena-wannabe. Unfortunately he was saddled with a goddamn soldier who can kick some serious ass. She hasn't said a word to me since arriving at the hospital, but she's sent me a few death glares that rival my own.

And she doesn't sleep. Ever. I thought I was bad, but this girl is a card-carrying insomniac. If I hadn't slipped those sleeping pills in her coffee…let's just say getting Duo home from the hospital would have been a heck of a lot harder.

Yeah, I snuck him out without clearance. I bundled him up in a few blankets and carried him out of the hospital without signing a damn thing. I'm sure that when morning comes I'll have a few scathing messages on my cell. Good thing I never disclosed the location of my apartment.

So now it's currently 1:27 A.M. and I've just tucked Duo into bed. He still hasn't woken up. He had surgery the minute he arrived at the hospital to staunch heavy internal bleeding, but he still hasn't awakened despite the fact that the anesthesia wore off long ago. There's some medium-level head trauma, but the doctors said he won't have any brain damage. Other than that Duo suffers from a broken ankle and a bad case of cuts and bruises. The total number of stitches: 73.

Most people would say it was pretty stupid to take Duo from the hospital. I would have to agree with them. It is stupid. Duo's condition is stable, but only God knows how long it will stay that way. However, on some instinctual level, I know that Duo is going to be fine. He's going to be perfectly A-okay. I'm going to help him get back to 100 percent.

And then I'm going to tell him I love him.

I have decided that there is no point in continuing this charade. There won't be any wars after this …incident. There isn't a point in preserving the Perfect Soldier in a world of peace. Odin told me to trust my emotions. I will trust in myself, and I will trust in the love I have for Duo. If I don't, I won't be able to live with my emotions.

However this could easily be the end of whatever relationship I have with him.

Needless to say, I'm terrified.

I find myself slipping under the sheets of my bed, next to Duo's unconscious form. I wrap my arms around him, holding him as gently as I can. The protective action soothes me. When he wakes…I'm going to tell him everything. I've never been good with words, but Duo has always been able to understand me. He saw the through all my masks, all my defenses, and saw the real Heero Yuy. He understands me even when I can't understand myself.

I watch Duo sleep for hours. His face is pale and tranquil. There is a cut above his left eyebrow and a blue bruise on his cheek. His light pink lips are parted slightly while he breathes. Only once during my vigil do I lean over and kiss his bruised cheek.

Finally, right when I feel as if I can't stay awake another second, Duo stirs. Immediately I focus my gaze on his closed eyes, silently pleading for them to open.

Duo, true to form, opens his mouth instead. "Too early…"

I feel relief wash over me in waves. Feeling impulsive, I lean in and softly kiss his ear.

Duo's eyes fly open and his hand brushes against my arms.

"Heero?!" he asks in an awed whisper. He turns onto his side, wincing. "What are you doing here?"

"Shh." I run my hand through his hair and down his cheek. His eyes are wide and confused. I want to tell him now, but I also want to just look at him forever. The words die on my tongue and I gaze at him in silence.

Duo stares at me for awhile, then says, "My foot hurts."

I'm sorry about that Duo…I love you.

"And deservedly so," I say. "You shouldn't have pulled a stunt like that."

Ah shit. That wasn't what was supposed to come out.

Duo grins sleepily. "Anyone ever tell you that you have shitty bedside manner?"

I've never cared enough to stay at someone's bedside except yours, Duo. I love you.

"What were you thinking, putting yourself at a risk like that?" I say sharply. "There wasn't any reason for you to take the blast! You were being foolish and most importantly, damn selfish!"

Well so much for my goddamn self control. I try to stop my words, but my mouth isn't listening to me. Jesus Christ, now I'm a bastard when I'm not even trying.

And why the fuck am I shaking?

"Heero…I…I'm sorry, pal," Duo says, violet eyes wide. He reaches up weakly, resting a hand on my shoulder. I draw my arms out from around him and hug them to my chest. I close my eyes, unable to bear looking at him and deal with my sudden bout of insanity.

"You didn't even think about anyone else! How the hell could you just throw your life away? After all of the shit we've been through, you're just going to fucking give up? Do you have any idea how that made me feel?" I don't know what I'm saying right now. I don't care.

I love you I love you I love you.

"Heero, are you okay?" Duo says, his voice a cross between fear and sorrow. "Look, I'm right here buddy. I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry, I promise I'll never do it again, all right? Heero?"

"No," I say, my words coming out in gasps, "No, you're not. Don't you ever leave me, Duo."

Something wet spills down the side of my face. Panting, I rub the heels of my hands into my cheeks. What the hell is wrong with me?

I feel Duo's arm weave around my back in a weak embrace. One hand travels up and rests upon my head, stroking my hair. Duo curls around me.

"It's okay, Heero. Shh. Go ahead," he whispers.

And like the truly wretched individual I am, I bury my face in his chest and pull him close to me, sobbing like a child.

"Duo…I love you. I loved you all through the war," I whisper. The tears have loosened my rationality. I never thought I could hurt his much.

Duo's is quiet, my sobs filling up the silence.

After a moment he squeezes me lightly. "Really?"

Choking back my tears, I nod against his chest. "I'm sorry."

Duo jumps. "What?! Sorry for what?"

"It wasn't part of the deal," I whisper miserably. Any minute from now he's going to pull away from me. My breath is coming in ragged gasps.

"Oh Heero…" he says with exasperation. "And they call me an idiot. Here, look at me."

His hand cups the nape of my neck and I scoot up to look him in the eye. Duo presses his forehead against mine and traces a few fingers down my cheek.

"Hmm…you're one of those lucky people who don't get all puffy-eyed and red-faced when they cry," he says. "Your face is all sparkly."

Duo ducks his head and kisses my cheek. My grip tightens slightly.

"And salty," he whispers. "But it doesn't matter. You know why Heero?"

I stare at him.

I didn't think he would drag this out. I want to put my hands over my ears and run away from the pain, but I understand that this agony is my due.

Duo meets my gaze with soft eyes. He cups the side of my face. "It doesn't matter because no matter what you look like, what you taste like, or whatever else you might be, I'm going to love you," he says. "Everything you'll ever be I'm going to need. And I love you for that. More importantly, I love you for you and nothing else."

I am struck dumb.

"You…love…me?" I ask, unbelieving.

Duo rolls his eyes. "Duh. The boy learns."

I feel my eyes widen as the reality of it hits me. "I am an idiot."

Duo chuckles weakly. "As am I, Heero. As am I."

"I thought you didn't care. I thought you were being…er…charitable," I say, realizing how dumb the words sound to me.

"I thought you considered me nothing more than a whore," Duo says softly. He smiles crookedly. "Charitable? Heh, you give me more credit than I deserve."

"You deserve everything," I whisper. "And you were never a whore to me."

"Good to know," Duo replies. He leans in and kisses me softly on the mouth. I love the way his lips always linger after his kisses. I lick his bottom lip.

"Stay with me?" I ask. I massage the back of his neck and the base of his head, an action that I know he loves.

"Definitely. Sure you want to put up with me?" he purrs, tilting his head back.

"Forever and ever after," I reply. I kiss him again, this time thrusting my tongue inside his mouth, tasting him almost reverently.

Duo smiles. "You know what? You're cute."

I raise an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Of course!" he replies. "You are quite possibly the most gorgeous individual I've ever seen," tapping my nose with a bandaged finger. He buries his head under my chin. "Now be quiet and go to sleep before I jump you and rip my stitches."

***

/ Roller coaster, favorite ride

Let me kiss you one last time /

I'm surprised that Heero chose an apartment on Earth. For some reason I always saw him as being more of the colony type. I mean after all, that's where he spent the majority of his childhood.

That is if you call years of training to be a professional assassin a childhood.

He's watching me from the window. I wonder if he can see me through the tinted windows of my limousine. I'm sure he can; I wouldn't be surprised if he could see through walls. I would like to know how he knew I was outside his apartment complex.

"Thank you Pargan. I shouldn't be long," I tell the old man behind the wheel.

"Yes, Miss Relena," he says. "I shall stay right here."

Quickly I climb out of the car and walk into the complex. Heero's apartment is on the second floor, number six. I use the stairs, eyeing the elevator with suspicion. Tight enclosed spaces are not one of my favorite things.

I knock on Heero's door two times.

He opens it promptly, a gun in his left hand. "How did you find this place?"

Ah, some things never change.

"Good afternoon Heero. May I come in?" I respond, polite as ever. All those years dealing with bureaucrats does have its rewards.

Heero leans forward and looks up and down the hall. He nods once, briskly, and moves to the side.

"Thank you." I step inside the door, which Heero immediately slams shut.

"How did you find out where I lived?" he asks again.

"I have my sources, as do you. I've never led an enemy to your whereabouts and I've never disclosed any of the information I receive. Don't worry so much," I say.

Heero pockets his gun. "What are you here for?"

"I wanted to thank you and Duo for all you've done," I reply. "Is Duo here? Can I see him, please?"

I take a look around the apartment. It is average in size and rather spacious with sparse furnishings. Very Heero-esque. From the front door I can see the kitchen off to the left side and on the right is what I assume is the living room. It's cut off by a large bookcase and the back of a couch. On top of the couch is a cowboy print blanket, which is obviously Duo's. The sight is endearing.

Heero follows my gaze but his face doesn't change. "Duo is-"

"Hey good lookin'!" calls a familiar, cheery voice. "I wasn't expecting you'd get here so soon! Hope you'll excuse the outfit!" Duo pops out through a doorway that probably leads to the bedroom. He is dressed in blue boxers and a white tee shirt. On his right ankle is a large black cast.

"Hello Duo," I say, brushing past Heero and walking up to the longhaired boy. I dip my hand into my purse and extract a box containing a sickening amount of expensive chocolate. "I brought you these. Kind of a 'get well' gift, if you will."

Duo's eyes light up as he takes the chocolate. "Thanks Relena!"

He leans in and kisses me on the cheek. I feel a light blush crawl across my face.

"Hey, nice outfit," he comments, eyes traveling from my head to my toes. I'm wearing a large pullover sweater and jeans with hiking boots.

"Well I can't wear business suits all the time," I explain. Heero's shadow falls over me.

"Where are your crutches?" he asks softly. I turn to the side so I can see both of them Heero is standing with his hands folded across his chest.

Duo grins impishly. "Oh, no where."

Heero raises an eyebrow and then gives him a patented Death Glare that would melt gundanium. Duo crosses his eyes and sticks out his tongue.

Heero shakes his head. "Idiot," he mutters, looking off to the side.

I look to Duo. "I can't stay Duo, but I just wanted to let you know how grateful we all are for what you've done. You too, Heero. I hope you feel better soon, Duo."

There. That was brief, honest, and to the point.

"Busy as ever, I see," Duo says. "Thanks for coming."

"Call me whenever you feel like it," I say. "But first I suggest you go sit down on that couch before Heero rips you into little pieces for being a bad patient."

"Everyone's such a mother hen around here," Duo says good-naturedly. He steps around me and heads off towards the living room. "Good to see ya, thanks again for the chocolate!"

I turn to Heero, who stares down at me, emotionless.

"I'm sorry Heero, I should have called before I came," I say softly.

"Hn," is the classic reply. Heero turns and walks towards the door. I follow him, but catch his hand before he reaches it.

He turns, surprised. I smile at him, and then gently reach up and hug him.

"Thank you for everything Heero. I'll never forget what you've done for me," I whisper in his ear.

"Relena?" His eyes are confused. Gently he holds me out at arm's length.

"You kept me going through the war. Duo will keep you going through life and you for him. You two will take care of each other," I say, ignoring the lump in my throat.

I hug him again, and this time I feel his arms around my shoulders as he hugs me back. A few weeks ago I would have been ecstatic. Now I'm just simply a little sad.

"I'm glad you're happy, Heero," I say, giving him a small squeeze.

Eventually I pull away, wiping away a few stray tears. Heero is looking at me with eyes that seem to be seeing for the first time.

"Hold on," he says. He walks to the kitchen and grabs a pen and a post-it note. To think that Heero Yuy has pink post-it notes…

He scribbles something on the paper and hands it to me.

"What's this?" I ask, looking at the perfectly even spaced, uniform handwriting.

"My phone number. It's unlisted," he says softly. He looks into my eyes, and I see the kindness in them that he keeps hidden from most the world.

"Heero..."

"So you can call before you visit," he says.

I feel a grin spread across my face. More tears spill down my cheeks. Heero, forever full of surprises, leans down and hugs me, for the first time in my life.

"Thank you," I manage to whisper.

"Thank you for all you've done, Relena," he whispers. "You're an amazing person."

The moment is ephemeral, yet long lasting at the same time. Somehow I manage to pull myself away and walk through the door with my composure intact. Only when I'm at the end of the hall do I wipe my face with my sweater sleeve.

As I leave the building, I notice a girl leaning against the complex wall, her arm over her face. Faintly I recognize the short, black hair.

"Excuse me," I say, walking up to her.

The girl whips her arm away and straightens up immediately. Yep, it's Hilde all right.

"What?" she says harshly. She gives me a glare, but then her eyes soften. "Miss Relena?"

I nod. "Did you come to see Duo?"

"I came here to kill him," she says, hurt dripping from her voice. Hilde waves a hand to dismiss her comment. "You came to see Heero?"

"Came and went," I say, leaning up against the wall. "I needed to know that they were going to be happy."

Hilde looks up at the second story window. "Happy…"

Tears start flowing down her cheeks and her hands tighten into fists. Feeling mildly alarmed, I place a placating hand on her shoulder.

"How about you come with me for a bit, all right? You can calm down and maybe we could talk a bit. I'd like that," I say. "There's a nice restaurant I know of, let me treat you to lunch."

Hilde looks at me like a bug under a microscope. "I don't need your sympathy."

"I'm not offering any," I reply. "Just understanding. How about it?"

I hold out my hand, just like I did to Heero the first time I met him. He never took it.

After a moment Hilde does, without a word. I nod and smile, then lead her over to the car.

***

/ Make me promise

That I will never tell

All I remember is

The way her bedroom smelled /

Heero turned around, feeling…lighter. He closed the door, absently clicking the deadbolt lock into place.

He walked by the bookshelf and turned into the living room, standing behind the sofa. Duo was sitting on the end of the couch with his knees drawn up to his chest, despite the hindrance of his cast. On the other end of the couch sat Relena's box of chocolates, unopened and untouched. They would stay that way until Heero eventually grew tired of looking at them and threw them away. Duo had never liked Relena that much.

Duo looked up at him, catching the rare expression of distant shock on his face.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

Heero blinked. "Of course."

"Okay then," Duo said softly. He stretched out on the couch, putting his arms above his head and closed his eyes.

Heero furrowed his eyebrows. He looked over and out the window. Relena was getting into her limousine, and a familiar dark-haired girl was with her. He felt himself relax a little-Relena was strong enough now. Hilde would…Hilde would make it. If that girl could actually ride in that godawful pink limousine, then she could weather this storm.

He looked back to Duo, scrutinizing him. The American looked tired, which was expected. The painkillers he was taking made him very drowsy. However, there was a troubled expression upon the heart-shaped face that confused Heero. Had he said something to upset Duo? Had Relena?

Heero put a hand on the back of the couch. "Are you all right?"

Duo frowned minutely and put his hands over his eyes, rubbing them. After a moment he lifted them and opened his eyes. Holding out one hand, he beckoned Heero to come around to the other side of the couch.

Heero complied, frowning at the boy's silence. He stood before him, staring and trying to understand. Duo gently took one of Japanese boy's hands, brought it to his face, and closed his eyes.

"Could you," he whispered, "Would you, just…"

Comprehension smacked Heero in the face. Mentally shaking his head, he caressed Duo's cheek. Carefully he stepped onto the couch behind the American, then laid down behind the other boy. Wrapping an arm around Duo's waist, he pulled the warm frame close to his body, spooning him.

Heero kissed the back of Duo's neck softly. He moved his arm up from the longhaired boy's waist and covered Duo's heart with his hand. It was beating at an alarming, panicked rate. The American reached up and gripped his arm fiercely, his fingernails digging into Heero's skin. Duo's breathing was coming in ragged gasps.

Heero moved his hand over Duo's heart in a small, circular motion. "Calm down," he said softly. "You're all right."

Duo's grip relaxed slightly, and Heero kissed the boy's shoulder.

"I'm never going to leave you," Heero whispered. "Not for Relena, not for a war, not for anything."

Duo trembled in his embrace and made a soft sobbing noise. Heero moved his head up so that it rested on his lover's shoulder. The American's eyes were shut tightly and dry as ever.

"Duo," he said softly. "I love you."

Duo let out another dry sob. He pressed back into Heero's chest. The Japanese boy hugged him to his body and trailed kisses up and down Duo's neck and shoulder.

"I love you too, Heero," Duo whispered shakily.

Heero smiled, an expression that only Duo managed to get out of him. "I know."

He held him until the trembling stopped.

***

/ I had that dream about you again

Where I wait outside

Until you let me in /

I am so very proud of myself.

Today I made pancakes.

From scratch. And get this-I flipped 'em in the pan without a even a spatula.

Did I mention that I started at 5:00 a.m.?

Pretty cool, eh?

Well, I thought so. Anyway, the reason for this is-bust out the drum roll-today is Heero's birthday! Okay, okay…now I know that Heero doesn't actually know his real birthday, but that's irrelevant. Today, two years ago, I put two bullets through that gorgeous body of his, and that's what he claims made him fall in love with me.

Hey, I never said Heero's logic was ever…uh…logical.

But maybe I'm not really one to talk because I think that this day, with a memory like that, is perfect for a birthday. It has a type of sentimental/dark humor that I appreciate.

So now I'm sitting here in the kitchen with a very cute little tray, trying to stack pancake after pancake on top of each other. There's chocolate chip, blueberry, plain, and apple. I don't know which kind he likes the best, so I just made a bunch of them. Knowing Heero, he probably likes all of them because…well, a Perfect Soldier couldn't be "picky," could he?

Carefully I arrange the whipped cream, maple syrup, corn syrup (don't ask), and fresh strawberries in little teensy-weensy pitchers. I'm going all out with this. Now for the drinks: orange juice, milk, water, and coffee (black of course).

Now how in the heck am I going to get this into the bedroom without waking him up? Man, I can't even see over this stack…there's a dozen pancakes here for crying out loud! Hmph…I'm supposedly the one with the stealth skills. I can manage this. The one thing about sneaking around Heero is to walk without making a sound, but to walk without intentionally trying to hide your presence. Does that make sense? It's like sneaking around…but not actually sneaking around.

With the utmost silence I ease the door open. Heero's in his usual contorted position. His legs are turned to the side, but he twists at the waist and lies on his back with his head facing the complete opposite direction. My silly little angel. As usual he's only worn his pajama pants to bed. It's amazing. During the war he always slept fully clothed (spandex, surprisingly, counts), but now he's obsessed with pajama pants. He has about fifteen different pairs. Some are flannel, others silk, and then some are just plain cotton. And they're all different colors. Today's hue: navy blue. Very nice. Grr.

Quietly I set the tray down on the nightstand. Seeing as how he hasn't woken up yet I can trust in the fact that he somehow, on a subconscious level, recognizes my familiar presence and feels safe enough to sleep on.

Heh heh heh.

Swiftly I move to the foot of the bed. I give my right ankle a quick rotation, testing it out. The cast has been off for a week and a half, but it's still a little weak. Today it's feeling pretty good. Grinning like an idiot, I take a few steps back.

And then with a running start, I jump off of the ground and land precisely on…you guessed it, Heero.

"Wakey wakey!" I cry. My words are double sided; one way they're a wake up call, the other a way to let him know it's me jumping on him and not some psychotic killer. I'd like to live through this morning.

Heero sits up faster than a bolt of lightening, slamming into my chest. Good thing I planted my hands on either side of him or I'd be severely unbalanced.

Cobalt eyes look at me with harbored annoyance. "Baka…"

It's obviously too early for English.

"Hey there Sleeping Beauty, this is the part where I get to kiss you," I say, and plant a very enthusiastic smackaroo on those lovely lips of his.

Instantly Heero props himself up on an elbow and wraps the other around my waist. His mouth migrates from my lips to my jaw, neck, and shoulder. Obviously he took that as an invitation.

"Whoa, there," I say, amused. I pull back a little. "You can't have dessert just yet."

Heero looks at me with an expression close to confusion. Quickly I scoot off the bed and grab the tray.

"Lay down," I command. Heero leans back against the pillows, eyeing the huge plate of pancakes. Carefully I place the tray down over his stomach, propping it on its little legs.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Breakfast in bed," I say. "Homemade pancakes."

"Oh," he says, sitting up and looking at the plate again. I sit down before him, cross my legs, and grin like an idiot. He's so cute when he's figuring something out.

"Go on and eat up before they get cold, silly!" I say, waving my hand impatiently.

Heero peeks around the enormous stack of pancakes. "Duo…I-"

"Oh crap, you don't like pancakes, do you?" I say, feeling my heart sink at my blunder. "Or is the breakfast in bed thing just too silly and old-fashioned? I knew you wouldn't like this kind of thing! God I'm an idiot. I'm sorry, I-"

"Duo!" Heero all but yells. I shut up. "Duo, I like pancakes. I also like breakfast in bed. I am surprisingly normal."

"I am too exasperated to even comment on the rare Heero Yuy Humor Attempt.

"THEN WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?" I ask, throwing my hands up in the air.

"I need a fork," Heero says, point blank.

I can't help it. I begin laughing hysterically. Heero shakes his head, turns the tray to the side and crawls over to me. I stop my cackling and smile at him.

"So much for my vision of a perfect birthday breakfast. Do you know I've been up since 5 this morning making those?" I say, curling my toes.

Heero lifts his eyebrows in approval and kisses my ear. "Perfect or not, I still-did you just say 'birthday?'"

I nod. "Yep. Decided that since you don't have one I'd give you one. You don't mind, do you?"

"No," Heero replies. He takes a pancake from the plate and holds it in one hand. With the other hand he grabs the whipped cream canister. "I never liked forks anyway," he says. He squirts a liberal amount of whipped cream on the pancake and then takes a bite.

"Good?" I ask. He has whipped cream on the side of his mouth. Enticing. This could very well be the longest breakfast of my life.

"Very," Heero says, finishing off the pancake in a couple efficient bites.

He raises the whipped cream canister and before I can move, covers my left cheek in the sugary foam.

"But this is definitely better," he says, leaning in and licking the whipped cream. While he's busy I reach around and grab a strawberry, then pop it in my mouth.

Shoving the fruit to the side with my tongue, I ask, "Hmm…do you like strawberries as much as you like whipped cream?"

"No, I like whipped cream better," he says, finishing off my sugary cheek.

"We'll see about that," I say. I wrap an arm around his shoulders and all but drag myself into his lap. Eagerly I plant my mouth on his, parting his lips with my tongue. With practiced talent I transfer the strawberry from my mouth to his. As I pull away I nibble at his bottom lip. He likes that.

Heero chews the fruit and swallows. I kiss his throat when he does.

"Convincing argument," he says. His voice is low and gruff. Oi, that's nice.

Hero's hand slides up my thigh to my waist. With one quick motion I find myself shirtless and flat on my back.

Awful, isn't it?

There's an evil lust stirring in those cobalt eyes. Heero holds up two syrup pitchers.

"Maple or corn syrup?" he asks.

I grin. And people wonder why I love this guy. "How about corn syrup the first time around and we'll finish up with the maple?"

"Sounds like a good breakfast to me," Heero says. He tips the pitcher and I shiver as the liquid hits my bare chest.

"Happy Birthday, love," I whisper.

Heero rubs a syrup-coated finger along his lips and then kisses me. Mmmm.

"I love you, Duo," he says.

"Forever and ever after?" I ask.

Heero smiles, lighting up my world. "Forever and ever after."

I kiss him gently, then give his nipple a playful twist.

"Then what in the hell are you waiting for?"

***

/ Roller coaster, favorite ride

Let me kiss you one last time

Goodnight, goodnight /

***