Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Running Out Of Tomorrows ❯ Chapter 8

RUNNING OUT OF TOMORROWS

PART EIGHT

* * *

"I want it done by tonight. I don't care what you have to do or what will it cost me, I want it done!" Duo spoke harshly into the phone, his gaze as stern and dangerous as his voice. He was panting hard and traces of tears were still visible on his cheeks. But he was done crying. It was time to take action, not to shed tears. He had an objective and a deadline. A deadly deadline. But he'll beat the clock. As an ex-solider and a businessman he was an expert at beating the clock. He never failed to beat a deadline and he will not fail now. Duo Maxwell couldn't afford failing. Not anymore.

He tightened his hand around the cell phone he was holding, his blood-shot violet eyes narrowing in concentration. It was time for business.

"Normally it would be no problem," A voice came from the other side of the line, sounding quite cocky and calm. "However..."

"You received the payment!" Duo cut the speaker in mid-sentence, speaking in his sharp business tone, a tone than left no room for arguments or excuses. "Was it not enough!?"

"Not if you want it done by tonight." The speaker replied arrogantly.

"You fucking bastard! You said it will be ready by today!" He let a few curses slip, but he was beyond caring. He wasn't the businessman anymore. He wasn't the God of Death anymore. He was just a desperate young man trying to save the life of his one true love. "It was supposed to be done by now!" He barked into the phone, nearly crushing it with anger.

"It's hard to find a donor around these parts. And a healthy one at that... impossible." The voice continued to sound calm and smooth, unmoved by his anger. "It's not like we didn't try..."

"Is a donor all you need?" Duo changed back into a calmer façade, taking a deep breath and running a trembling hand through his long bangs. "Other than the donor, is everything ready?"

"A donor is all we need. Well, that and the rest of the payment. You only paid the advance."

"You'll get the money when I'll get the results."

"Quite the businessman, aren't you Mr. Maxwell?" He could hear the smirk in the man's voice and he had to hold himself from growling.

"We had a deal. Fifty thousand grand and you have it done by today. It's ten AM and still I see no results!"

"These things take time... as I said, there are no donors. We checked the morgues... no one was suitable."

"As if this colony lacks any dead homeless people..." Duo muttered, rolling his eyes. He began pacing up and down the hall, beginning to lose his patience.

A chuckle was heard from the other side of the line. "Since the war ended they began to house them in shelters. It's hard to find a good corpse nowadays. Unless you want us to kill one? Or should we leave it to you? Your reputation walks before you in this profession... Shinigami-san."

Duo came to a blunt stop, clenching his fist around the mobile phone. "Shut up! The war was over seven years ago and that name is erased!"

"So it appears... Still, if you do not approve of killing anymore, there's no way for us to find a donor."

Duo bit his lower lip, his eyes narrowing with a frown. He had to stop a minute and think. He had to think... think... don't get angry... think!

He opened his eyes and looked down at the wristwatch he wore on his left hand. The same watch Heero gave him. The same precious gift bearing the inscription that declared Heero's love to him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, turning his attention back to the phone.

"I'll find you one."

"Oh?" Again that teasing amusement. "How is that going to happen."

"That's my concern. But in return I want half the money back."

"I'm afraid that's not possible."

"Then make it possible! I'm not paying you to sit around and do nothing!" Duo shouted, returning to pace the room. "Don't take me for a fool Doc - cuz I'm certainly not!"

This time the doctor laughed out loud. "I'll tell you what young man. You bring the kidneys, and we'll make sure your friend makes it through another day."

"Fine. We have a deal." Duo replied curtly, sick and tired of this conversation. He had no more time to waste on this obnoxious character. He had a matching donor to find.

"Good. We'll keep him on a dialysis until tomorrow morning. You have until then." With that, the man quickly disconnected the call.

Duo snapped his cell phone shut and stood rigid in the middle of the hallway. He just earned Heero and his own heart another day. He better start making the most of it.

* * *

"...to the Summit. Minister Darain concluded the Mars Summit by saying that the Mars Project will go on as scheduled despite the strike, and that private companies around the Earth's Northern Hemisphere and the ASX4435 area will ship supplies. As for the strikers, Minister Darain mentioned to our Morning News reporters that......"

"Mommy, can I change the channel?" Solo's small and miserable voice asked silently, turning to face his mother with big blue puppy-eyes.

Sitting next to him on the couch, Hilde sighed quietly and nodded her head. "Sure honey. Would you like to watch one of your Jinx videos?" She asked in a soft voice, reaching down to pet his messy chestnut hair.

The little boy sighed and shrugged indifferently. His shoulders were slumped and his head bowed. He wasn't even looking at her as he mumbled: "...I don't care..."

A painful stab tugged at the mother's heart as she looked down at her depressed son. It hurt her badly to see him so sad and depressed. The little boy didn't hear from his father for nearly two weeks, and it was beginning to affect him greatly. Wanting to comfort her son, Hilde wrapped her arm around his small frame and pulled him closer. He leaned his little head on her and sighed miserably. They sat in silence, the mother petting her child's soft hair and the little boy looking down miserably at his hands. The once oh-so active boy was quiet and immobile, no longer running around or chatting happily as he used to.

"Say, sweetheart... I've got an idea." Hilde suddenly said in a sugary voice, bending down to kiss his sweet hair. She then leaned her head on his, caressing his hair as she spoke. "How about we go down town this morning... make our way to the pet shop and... buy you a dog!"

The little boy shrugged but offered no other response.

"Remember that little puppy you wanted? How about we go see if he's still there?"

Again there was no enthusiastic respond, which only managed to hurt Hilde even more. Her son was not acting like himself at all. In fact, he seemed to be saddened even more by her offer.

"Honey? What's wrong?" She asked worriedly, turning to look at him.

Solo sighed deeply and pulled away from her hold. "Daddy won't let me keep a dog." He let out quietly. He suddenly jerked his head up, looking at her with burning blue eyes. "And I AM going home! Daddy's gonna come back and take me!"

Stunned for a moment, Hilde didn't answer. But she understood her mistake perfectly. By suggesting that they'll get him a dog, she also suggested that Solo would not be going home soon, because Duo was allergic to dogs and thus didn't allow his son to keep one. Solo thought that he wasn't going home. He thought that this father was not coming home.

Still searching for words, Hilde opened her mouth to say something, but then the phone suddenly rang. She sent her son an apologetic look and then went to answer the phone.

"Hilde Schbeiker." She said as she picked up the phone.

From the couch, Solo looked at her angrily, his piercing blue eyes glaring into her very soul.

"Duo!" The young woman exclaimed and Solo's eyes widened. He jumped off the couch, ready to run to the phone. All of his anger was forgotten. His father finally called!

"God damn you, Duo! What took you so long to call?! I've been worried sick and Solo's been---" A quick pause, for Duo probably stopped her. Solo narrowed his eyes, studying his mother's expression carefully. He could have sworn that he saw her face pale.

"What?!" She whispered harshly, slowly turning away so she was not facing her son. Solo's eyes narrowed even more and he took a step forward.

"Duo, you've got to be joking!"

He could hear the panic in her voice. Something was wrong.

"But I can't let you do that! --- No! Duo- no! You can't! I sent you the money for a certain purpose and I--- no! No I don't care about that! You're not going to---" There was a longer pause this time, and Solo was certain that his father was explaining something to her. By his mother's face, it didn't seem to be a good thing.

"Duo." His mother finally cut him off in a stern tone. "Duo, I sent you the money so you can come home, not do foolish things like--- yes, I know about that and I agreed that you can use our savings for that, but if there's nothing to be done then why waste money?" Again she listened and then- "I don't care what you say! If that doctor says that--- no! No! Duo, you're refusing to listen to reason as usual! There's just no talking to you! ------- DUO, IF THERE ARE NO MORE DONORS, THEN THERE ARE NO MORE DONORS! THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT!!!"

He knew it wasn't right, but for some reason he was kind of happy. It looks like his father had nothing more to do back there... which meant that he was coming back home!

"...Duo, calm down. Calm. Down. There's no need for you to cr--- No, no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. You know I care about him, Duo. You know I do. But there's nothing any of us can do. I tried, you tried, there's nothing more to be done. ---- No, I don't trust that doctor and neither should you. You're just too blinded by hope in order to see that. ----- Don't yell at me! No- don't shout! There's no need to shout! You just can't waste money on a false hope! Du---"

Solo flinched when he heard the loud sound of the call being disconnected. His father hung up just like that. Hilde was still holding the phone, completely shocked. She was gaping at it as if it just opened a pair of eyes and winked at her. Anger boiled inside the little boy and hate blossomed in his little heart. His father... he didn't even ask to speak with him... He finally called and he didn't even care that they didn't speak! He hung up before talking to him! He hung up! He hung up and went back to his STUPID friend! To that STUPID Hee-whatever his name was! That STUPID Hero! He hated him! He hated him! He hated him! He hated Hero! He hated him! He wished he would die already! He wished that Hero would die! Die!

"I HATE YOU!!!!!" The little boy roared and stormed out of the living room. He stomped to his room and slammed the door shut, locking it behind him. All Hilde could do was to pound at his door and beg him to come out as the little boy trashed everything he could lay his hands on, letting out all his tears and anger by throwing and kicking everything in the room.

His father wasn't coming back! His father didn't want to come back! He didn't want to see him, he didn't want to buy him a dog, he didn't buy him a Jinx album, he didn't want to speak with him on the phone and all he wanted was to be with that stupid Hero! He hated him so much he wanted to kick and hit and throw him too! He hated everything in the world! He hated it! HATED IT!!!!!!!!!

* * *

He had to leave for a few hours, but he had no idea how to tell that to Heero. He knew that the last thing the Japanese man wanted was to be alone. He knew how much he feared abandonment, and it broke his heart to just think about breaking the news to Heero. He didn't want to tell him where and why he was going. He didn't see the point in raising false hope in his love's heart. He didn't want Heero's heart to be broken by another failed promise. That's why he never told him about his arduous attempts to draw out every penny he had in his savings in order to help him. That's why he didn't tell him about how utterly broke he will be if this thing will work out. He knew that Heero would never agree to such thing. He will never allow himself to take so much from others, and that's why Duo didn't plan on telling him about what he wanted to give.

Sitting by Heero's hospital bed, Duo was drifting in a thick swamp of thoughts. His head was aching from lack of sleep and the heavy feeling of the Deadline hanging above his head, and his heart. He sat still on his shabby metal chair, his hands on his lap and his gaze unfocused. On the bed, Heero was lying on his side, facing Duo. He had one hand tucked under his cheek and the other lying limply before him; his tired blue eyes were open, looking down at the floor. His eyelids moved slowly up and down, nearly closing but then opening again. Heero was fighting sleep the best he could, but as the minutes ticked by it seemed like he was fighting a losing battle.

Shifting slightly on the bed, just to get the feeling back to his already half-dead limbs, Heero looked up at Duo. He forced a small smile to appear on his weary features, the light in his blue eyes dim and tired, the fierce blue fire burning out.

"Ne... Duo... lets talk... okay?" He whispered in a tired, worn-out voice, his smile faltering. "I... I don't want to sleep anymore..." He explained sadly, knowing that Duo will understand what he meant. He never had to say much for Duo seemed to understand him even without words.

And of course Duo understood. He understood perfectly. Heero knew, like he had realized this morning, that he hasn't much time left. He will probably be dead by the next morning, and he didn't want to waste his last few hours in sleep. He wanted to make the most out of what little time he had left with Duo, and this thought made Duo's heart pulse in pain. Just because of this reason, all words escaped his mind. He had no idea what to say to the dying man, but he knew that he had to.

"Sure... uh... okay..." He began slowly, still searching for a topic of conversation. He didn't want to speak of matters of the heart, having not the mental or emotional strength to speak of things of high regard. In truth, he really didn't feel like talking, but...

"Uh... what do you want to talk about?" He finally said, looking at Heero with a tired gaze.

An awkward silence fell in the small cubicle as both young men cast their gazes down miserably. There was nothing to talk about... nothing that will ease the pain and make them forget about their grim situation.

"Tell me about..." Heero began quietly, biting his lower lip as he searched for something to speak about. Duo looked up, a bit of hope shining in his eyes when he saw that Heero was the one to start the conversation. It wasn't something to be overly cheerful about, but at times like this it was the small miracles that he wanted to cherish.

"About... uh... about..." Heero's voice trailed off and he bowed his head down in defeat. He already made Duo tell him all about Solo, his business, his marriage, his life during the past seven years... there was nothing left to talk about. He didn't have anything of importance to say, there wasn't much to tell about his own life and his own doing during the years after the war... All he really had back then was a boring desk job, a dog, three girlfriends and charity work on Holidays. There was nothing left to talk about and so silence fell once again.

Duo shifted his weight on the chair, making it creak loudly. He ran a hand through his long bangs, feeling how filthy and straw-like they were since he hasn't bathed in days. He scanned the small cubicle a few times, just looking at anything beside Heero, and then he turned his gaze towards the dying young man, who was lying dejected on his bed. Taking a deep, shaky breath, Duo forced himself to finally speak.

"Hey... did you hear about the Mars Project?" He asked in a tone so light, as if he was speaking about the most exciting thing in the world. In fact, he might as well be speaking about the weather. The Mars Project had been around for so long that people no longer cared what was being done with it.

"The one Relena was talking about..?" Heero asked, looking up at Duo again. "She's still going through with it? I thought they terminated the project three years ago..." He mumbled with a frown, casting his gaze down briefly as he realized how out-of-date he was. He had no idea what was going on around the world. The last time he saw a newspaper or heard the news was before he came to L7. It drove him crazy at first, because he always liked to be up-to-date with things. He hated the feeling of NOT knowing what went on around him, but after months spent in this hospital bed, he simply didn't care anymore. The world has forgotten about him, so he preferred to forget about the world.

"Yeah... they did." Duo continued matter-of-factly, crossing his legs and running a hand through his long bangs. "But Relena convinced them to recommence. They're going to build a huge colony there and everything. Make it just like Earth!" He tried to sound cheerful and optimistic, but he knew that his voice cracked.

"That's... that's foolish..." Heero mumbled sadly, shaking his head. "A Martian Colony is a bad idea..."

"How come? I think it will be great." Duo opposed, straightening in his chair as the conversation suddenly became more interesting. "It will open great opportunities for the human race."

Heero sighed and shook his head again. He looked up at Duo, a sad glimmer in his eyes. "It will just open a new source for conflict, more reasons for war..." His fists clenched around the blanket and his jaw tensed. "I tried to talk Relena out of it... I thought that I was successful, but..." He sighed, letting go of the blanket. He shrugged helplessly and bowed his head in sorrow. "...you know her... once she sets her mind on something..."

"Yeah..." Duo let out slowly, beginning to see what Heero was hinting at.

"Fifty... maybe a hundred years from now... when Mars will prosper... there's going to be a war between the two planets. The Colonies will get caught in the middle..." Heero continued sadly, not lifting his gaze from the bed. "...all we fought for will be for nothing."

More sadness landed over Duo's heart and the already abused organ began beating painfully under this hurtful realization. "And now our children will have to fight the battles we'll leave for them..." He mumbled, tears stinging his eyes as he thought of his own son, of his little carefree Solo, having to go through the horrors of war as well.

"I should have stopped her..." Heero suddenly whispered, his voice so honest and regretful. "I should have... she used to listen to me... I'm sorry... this is all my fault... people will die... it's all my fault..."

Instead of more sadness, anger filled Duo's heart. He jerked his head up and glared at Heero, his violet eyes bitter and angry. "Heero! Would you fucking listen to yourself?! You're blaming yourself for an imaginary war set a hundred years into the future!" He shouted, panting from all the anger and heartache Heero's words had stirred in him. "This is nuts! Stop thinking like that!"

"But people will die... so many of them..." Heero continued, looking at Duo with anguished blue eyes. Tears were glistering in the tormented blue orbs, shining under the light coming from the window. "There will be more suffering... more soldiers... more bloodshed... because of me..." He cried, resting his hand over his heart as if it hurt.

"HEERO THAT'S LUDICROUS! STOP THINKING LIKE THAT! IT'S SICK!" Duo barked, jumping off his chair and stomping over to Heero's bed. "How can you even say such things?! It's insane!"

"But I feel it... in my heart..." The young man continued crying, his fingers clenching around his chest, over his heart as if he was in real pain. He looked up at Duo with eyes that pleaded for understanding. "...people will cry... they are crying... like they did back in the war... it hurts... and I could have stopped it... I could have..." He cried silently, tears streaming down his pale cheeks. He bowed his head down in shame, shaking it left and right against the bed. "It could have been my legacy... Now all I leave for this world is war... just war... I'm so sorry... Duo... forgive me... onegai... I'm so sorry..."

"WHAT YOU ARE SAYING HEERO IS IMBECILIC! STOP TOREMENTING YOURSELF OVER THINGS BEYOND YOUR CONTROL! YOU SAVED THE WORLD FROM WAR! YOU SAVED THE WORLD HEERO! DO YOU KNOW THAT!? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT GOOD YOU DID TO THIS WORLD!? YOU SAVED EVERYBODY!"

He was crying and panting so hard by now, trying to make Heero see! Trying to make him understand! All this kindness... all this pure and loving kindness was just too much to see! It hurt! It hurt! It felt as if his heart was being pierced into two! Why all this hurt? Why all this suffering!? Why? This boy... this wonderful boy who received nothing but torture, heartache and abuse from the world... how can he be so kind!?

"God... Heero..." Duo cried, his voice distorted from tears, coming out in a pathetic wail and a broken tone. "You saved them! Can't you see? You saved a world that turned its fucking back to you! Heero... my kind Heero... God... please... stop thinking of others so much... please..." He cried, taking Heero's hand in both his palms and just begging him. He looked down into those hurt-filled blue eyes and tired to convey everything that he was feeling through his own anguished gaze.

"Just... for now... just this once... think of yourself... think of us... please..." He spoke brokenly, kneeling down by the bed, still holding Heero's hand. He reached one hand to brush away a few bangs out of Heero's tearful eyes, petting his features softly. "Stop being so selfless... God... please... it hurts me to see you like this... stop tormenting yourself so much... Heero... please..."

The silence returned. It was longer this time, thick, hot and suffocating. Once in a long while a throaty cough was heard from somewhere in the room, but other than that it was only the silence and Duo's quiet sniffling. The longhaired man was still kneeling by the bed, his head resting on the thin mattress, buried within the covers. His hands were still held around Heero's frail palm. His back was shaking and so were his hands, trembling with the aftershock of his outburst. His tears stained both his face and the white sheets, but they gradually stopped pouring.

Heero lay still on the bed, lost. He didn't know what to say or even if he should say anything. He felt like he had said everything BUT the right thing to say, and so he decided to keep quiet. He was struggling to find another topic, to change the course the conversation had taken. After a long while of thinking, a small and shy smile touched his lips and he turned his head down so he could look at Duo. The mass of chestnut hairs was still lying against his bed, and he reached a gentle hand to pet the long strings of golden-brown hair. He ran his fingers through Duo's fine hair, caressing him gently.

"Say... Duo... are you hungry?" He whispered in a light and soothing tone, petting Duo's head like a mother calming her child. He could hear Duo sniffle and then he turned his head so he could look at Heero. He blinked a few tears out of his eyes, and Heero reached a hand to wipe away his tears. He smiled down at his love, amused by the thought that Duo really did resemble a small child who had just shed his first tears.

"Maybe you have something left? From when you bought us some food?" He continued softly, brushing Duo's long bangs out of his eyes. "Perhaps we can eat together?"

"I uh... I have some, uh... I have some candy I bought for Solo." Duo mumbled with a trembling voice, slowly pushing himself off the bed. He straightened up, trying to compose himself as he tidied his clothes and ran a hand through his messy hair. "I think it's in the bag..." He added, making his way towards the bag containing the gift he bought for his son- the Jinx Collector's Album that he wanted so much.

When he saw that Duo was about to take something from the bag that was meant for his son, Heero shook his head and smiled sadly. "Oh, no... Duo... never mind then... I'm not that hungry anyway." He said, not willing to take something Duo bought for his son. "Never mind."

His hand already inside the bag, Duo's face hardened in determination. He took out the candy and whirled around, shoving it into Heero's hand. There was no need for harsh words, for his gaze said it all - 'take it. No arguments'.

Heero still hesitated, looking warily at the candy in his hand.

"I can buy him lots of candies later." Duo said as he realized that Heero would not eat the treat unless he is sure that it is all right.

Heero nodded and finally opened the candy. He brought it to his mouth and was about to eat it, when suddenly, he stopped. He looked up at Duo, his eyes shining with uncertainty. "Duo? Are you hungry too? Do you want some?" He asked carefully, preparing to break the treat in to half.

Duo shook his head and stopped him, resting a hand of Heero's. "I have some more in the bag. I'll eat it later." He assured the young man, nudging the treat back towards Heero. "C'mon, eat up."

Still Heero hesitated, but then he smiled as he remembered that Duo Maxwell never lied. Comforted by that knowledge, he began nibbling his treat. The silence returned again as Heero lay quietly in his bed, eating his candy slowly while sinking into deep thoughts. Duo was sitting quietly as well, struggling with a way to tell Heero that he must leave him for a few hours. Eventually, he gave up with a sigh and bowed his head. He rubbed his tired eyes, feeling the weight of his exhaustion resting heavily on his shoulders. He forced himself to remain alert and confident, raising his head up to look at Heero.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, after studying Heero's features lengthily. The Japanese man was looking quite thoughtful and... sad. He felt that if nothing else, he should at least make sure Heero's last hours will be pleasant and not full of sadness.

Heero sighed and turned to face him. He smiled sadly, his fingers fidgeting around the sweet. "I was just thinking how lucky I am." He whispered softly, casting his gaze down, as if in shame. "How lucky I am to have your love, despite all my selfishness... despite all the wrong I do to people..."

Again that lie! Again that misconception! How many times will he have to explain this to Heero!? How many more times?!

"Selfish!? Heero! What selfishness!?" He burst once again, trying to keep the anger and bitterness out of his voice, but failing miserably. "All you do is give! You give and you give and you ask for nothing in return! How is that selfish!?"

"No... you're wrong..." Heero answered sadly, shaking his bowed head. "I take... I take things away and never bring them back... I take lives... and homes... and families..."

"We all did, Heero. That's war, not selfishness."

"But I..." The young man insisted, refusing to believe anything but what he had told himself for all these years. "I... I do take..."

"Heero, show me ONE time - just one - when you acted selfishly! Just one!" Duo demanded harshly, determined to show Heero, once and for all, that he is not the selfish person he believes to be!

"W-well I... I..." Heero began uncertainly, his eyes searching around the room as if the answer was there. He looked nervous all of a sudden, uncomfortable and frightened, as if deep down inside he already doubted his beliefs, and now the truth was being thrown to his face. "I... when I..."

"You can't think of one, can you?" Duo cut him off, sitting down at the edge of the bed. He reached down to stroke Heero's messy bangs, his gaze warm and sympathetic.

"I took your candy!" Heero suddenly blurted out, showing the treat to Duo. "I took it all to myself while you're still hungry!" He said, knowing how childish and foolish it was of him, but still... he must have done something... there must be a reason for all this suffering... isn't there? And a selfish person deserves to suffer... doesn't he? And all this pain... all this pain he had to live through his entire life... it had to come from somewhere! There had to be a reason! There MUST be a reason!

Taking a deep breath, Duo shook his head slowly and caressed Heero's damp forehead. "Heero, I gave you the candy. You didn't take it. I gave it to you. It was my choice, not yours. There's nothing selfish about it."

Heero's expression seemed lost and confused, as if he was trying hard to understand. He kept searching for examples to show to Duo, his eyes moving around helplessly, searching. "Then how about the time when... when I...." He mumbled, lost. A memory suddenly came to him and he jerked his head up, looking at Duo determinedly. "When I took Deathscythe's parts!" He blurted, almost smiling for he had found such a great example. "That was a horrible thing to do! Even you were angry with me, remember? It was a very selfish thing to do."'

Duo sighed deeply, shaking his head as if disappointed. It was hard to make Heero see past the lies he's been feeding himself for all this time. He took the young man's hand in his, looking tenderly into his eyes. "Heero, that was not selfish. Annoying- yes. Selfish- no. You had a mission to perform and I had plenty of spare parts around the Sweepers' ship. You knew that and you took it into account. That was not a selfish act, just a little... arrogant, maybe."

"But..." Heero began and immediately trailed off. Again he was sinking in thoughts, trying to process what Duo was saying. It all seemed so twisted to him. He was sure that he had it all worked out, that there was a cause and affect to everything. He took things, and so things were taken from him. He fought in order to die, but then others could live. He isolated himself from people but in return they were safe. He kept his love for Duo a secret and in return Duo found happiness. Cause and affect. He took onto himself the hardship and suffering, because that was his job. This is what he was meant to do. He had to do because that was his atonement. He had to atone for all the wrong he had done in his life. How can this point of view be twisted? How can Duo tell him that this is crazy? This is how things worked... how they always worked... didn't Duo know that?

"Then how about the time when I self-destructed?" Heero tried one last time, looking up at Duo with a serious pair of blue eyes. "When I was injured and Trowa had to take care of me for two months. Two whole months! And I didn't even thank him... that's selfish."

"Heero," Duo began, wondering how many more times will he have to explain things to Heero. How many more times will he have to show him things the way they really were?

"He did it because he wanted to. He cared about you and he chose to help you. He didn't do it because you asked of him and he didn't want to be thanked for it. It was his choice and not your request. It was not a selfish thing to do."

"But I... when I... I must have... I..." Heero tried again, tears welling in his eyes. He was beginning to understand, but still... it was so painful to understand... to realize how wrong he had been... It was so painful to know that all the suffering, all the abuse... it wasn't cause and affect. There was no reason... there wasn't any reason at all... it was just... just that... nothing...

Glistering silver tears slid slowly down his cheeks, the pain in his heart so great until he couldn't fight the tears anymore. He began to whimper quietly, trying to fight off the sobs, but still they escaped his lips. He buried his face in the pillow, curling into a fetal position while his hand clutched the blanket tightly. It hurt so much to understand... to once again be battling with the question- 'why? What have I done wrong? Why..?'

"Heero, I don't think that I ever met anyone as kind and caring as you." Duo spoke softly, caressing Heero as he spoke. He wiped away his tears, his own cheeks stained with the salty liquid. It was so hard to see Heero cry... so hard to see him realize that in the end, it wasn't he who was wrong, it wasn't he who was the devil, but the world... the world was the one to bring him down, shove him to the edge of humanity and let him rot there until he died. It was the world's selfishness and greed that brought him to this point. It was the world's own greedy nature that used him for war, for victory, for love, hate, atonement, vengeance and retribution. Leaving him to bear their heavy, bloodstained cross on his own, even years after the war was over. Maybe it was better to leave Heero in his own illusionary conception of the world, a conception he had formed to protect himself from the truth, to shield himself from the knowledge of being nothing but a puppet, all due to his kindness.

"Goodness, I just can't understand why you are so hung up on torturing yourself like this! It's twisted! You give so much to others, leaving nothing for yourself... why? Why do you think that you are selfish? Why?"

"Because I know that I take too much from others!" Heero sobbed, shaking his head and clutching his hands into fists as he cried brokenly. "I take and I take and I NEVER give it back! I want to give back EVERYTHING but I have NOTHING! Nothing! I have nothing to give! And knowing that... I... I have nothing and still I take... there's just nothing to give..."

"That's because you gave it all away..." Duo explained softly, gathering Heero into his lap and soothing him as he often soothed his son. He caressed his hair gently, his other hand wrapped around Heero's body, slowly rubbing his back in a soothing rhythm. "You gave it all and now look at you... lying here like this..." He sniffled and took a moment to find his voice again for he was so overwhelmed by tears. "It's the world that's selfish, Heero. Not you. This world is the greedy beast that takes and never returns. Not you. Can't you see Heero? It's not you..."

"Then why...?" Heero cried into Duo's lap, his voice small and confused. "I don't understand... please Duo... I don't understand... I try... I try so hard... all I do is try and still... still all I get is nothing... please... why is it like that..? What did I do wrong..? Duo... I don't want to suffer anymore..."

"Shhh... Heero... shhh..." Duo soothed, one tear after another falling from his face and down to Heero's dark hair. "It will be over soon, Heero. You won't have to suffer anymore... you won't... shhh... just rest... go to sleep, Hee-chan... shhh..."

"I... I don't want to die..." Heero whispered tiredly into Duo's lap, raising his hand up to search for Duo's. He let out a small whimper when he felt Duo take his hand in his warm palm. He closed his eyes tightly, inching closer to Duo's warmth as much as he could. He curled in Duo's lap, resting his head against Duo's chest, attaching himself to Duo's body, to his warmth, his life, his love, comfort and reassurance. He wrapped his arms around the young man, clinging to him like a frightened child who just woke up from a nightmare. When he felt Duo's arms around him as well, more tears came and the sobs returned.

"Duo... I want..." He mumbled into Duo's chest, sniffling loudly. "I want to live... I... I want to live... so I can be with you..."

Duo didn't answer. He just sat there, frozen, his hands wrapped around Heero as the young man wept silently into his chest. He wanted to tell him that it will be all right, that they will be together, but right now, he didn't know if he could make that promise and he just didn't want to lie...

* * *

"Solo! Solo open the door! Please honey! Please open the door!" Hilde pleaded for the umpteenth time, pounding at her son's bedroom door. "Honey, please! It's no use if you'll just lock yourself in your room! Please speak to me! Please, honey! Please... lets talk... okay? Just talking?"

But there was no answer. No matter what she said or what she tried, the little boy did not answer. Worry was all that filled the young mother's heart. She was so close to slamming the door down and dragging her son out of the room by force. She continued calling to him for about half an hour or so, until the worry and fear in her heart were just too great. Knowing that her son was too much like his father, only added to her worry. He might do something drastic while angry, and she wasted no more time - running to the kitchen to get a large hammer. Without hesitation she slammed it hard on the doorknob until it crashed to the floor. She threw the hammer aside and burst into the room.

She found it empty.

The window was wide open, the drapes flapping in the wind.

The room was a mess, toys and other accessories thrown aside in a fit of anger.

And the window was still there, wide open. The room was empty and the window was open.

Her son was out there, somewhere, wandering the streets at night. Alone. Unprotected. At night.

"SOLO!!!!" She screamed, panicked. "SOLOOOO!!!!" She ran outside as tears blurred her vision, leaving the house unlocked and began to search the streets for her son.

* * *

"I don't know how you've managed to afford this, Mr. Maxwell, but it's done." An old doctor with balding gray hair and a weary face spoke grimly, looking at Duo through a thick pair of glasses. He turned to peek over his shoulder, where two hospital technicians were done working on a machine near Heero's bed, and then turned back to the braided young man before him. "The dialysis will work for six hours to complete one cycle. But frankly, I see no point in starting a second cycle after that. If there are no kidneys to implant... then it is quite useless. It's a waste of money if you ask me. The dialysis will not keep him alive more than a day. He's too far gone." The doctor took off his glasses. He cleaned them slowly with a handkerchief, keeping his gaze down instead of facing the tormented violet eyes before him. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily. "It's for the better, I assure you. There's not much point in prolonging this young man's suffering."

"Six... hours..?" Duo whispered slowly, not even looking at the doctor who stood before him. "I have six hours..." He mumbled, not listening to the doctor anymore. His gaze was focused ahead, beyond the doctor's shoulder, gazing numbly at the machine and the tubes surrounding Heero and his bed. He watched dully as the machine was brought to life and dark red fluid began flowing through the tubes, exiting Heero's veins and entering the machine. The young man lay unconscious as the machine cleaned his blood and then pumped it back into his body. It was a horrible sight to Duo's sore eyes, seeing Heero's pale body lying lifeless on the bed, his blood taken away from him and being out on display. He seemed so pale and small, and from this distance, Duo could have sworn that he was dead. He couldn't see the rise and fall of his chest and he was so, so still...

"Well, I wish you would think about it, Mr. Maxwell. There's no point in wasting money on this lost cause..." The doctor finished with a gloomy gaze, placing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. "Good day." He muttered under his breath and left the room, stalking past Duo without another glance. The techs followed him in a rush, anxious to get out of the ward that reeked of death and despair. Duo was left standing in the middle of the hall, frozen in his spot, his numb violet eyes gazing out at nothing.

He had six hours...

Part 9.

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