Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Scar Tissue ❯ The Stranger in the Mirror ( Chapter 14 )

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Part 14

I awoke Monday morning with a horrible feeling of emptiness inside me. It was literally painful to feel so completely and utterly empty. I had once again slept fitfully, assailed by terrible dreams that I couldn't remember. I sat up like a zombie, my eyes falling to the pamphlets scattered on the floor. I reached down and picked up the one about self-injury. Last night I had felt mild surprise that a pamphlet existed on the subject. Now… I felt nothing. I was just drained. I let the pamphlet fall back to the floor.

Still moving like a zombie, I got dressed and went into the bathroom. After relieving myself and washing my hands and face, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I barely recognized the person who stared back at me.

"Are you real?" I asked my reflection, my voice hollow. Unsurprisingly, my reflection didn't answer. I reached out and gingerly touched the mirror. I felt disembodied, and painfully numb, as strange as that may sound. "Who are you? Why are you alive?" I whispered. The figure in the mirror was pale, features sharp and drawn. A hollow-faced ghoul. A stranger. Shuddering, I drew back my hand and mechanically went through the motions of brushing and braiding my hair, barely noticing the tugging pain of the healing cuts on my arms.

I opened the bathroom door and went to step back into my room, but froze when I saw Hilde sitting on my bed. She was holding the depression self-test pamphlet in her trembling hands. When she looked up at me, her eyes were brimming with tears. The numbness in my chest sharpened and I swallowed hard.

She took a shuddering breath and started to speak. "I-I came in to see if you were up yet, and saw these lying on the floor… I just picked one up and started to read it." She shook her head and chuckled without humour. "I'm so fucking stupid, you know? I really almost started to believe it. I wanted to believe you so bad, even though I saw you completely fall apart Saturday…"

"Hilde…" I began.

"No!" she said. "Don't try to tell me there isn't something wrong here. I can see it right here!" She held up the pamphlet. "Are you going to try to tell me someone else marked all these `yes' boxes?"

"Hilde, the test says to answer based on the past two weeks. I told you I hadn't been feeling well recently, but that's it! It's just been a little while. Everything'll be fine after I see Dr. Mitchell for awhile." I tried to smile convincingly, but I think it came out more like a grimace. My insides felt deathly cold with dread.

She stared at me with disbelieving eyes. "Stop it! Sally was right. You have a serious problem, and we all missed it. Even after Saturday… and Quatre's party… you were well on your way to fooling us again, because we wanted to be fooled, but it's not going to work anymore. The truth is right here on paper!" Her voice choked and a few tears finally spilled from her eyes. "Why didn't you answer the last question, Duo?" she asked, he voice low and unerringly calm.

The last question, the one about suicide. My thoughts racing I reached out to touch her shoulder. I felt sick. "Hilde…"

She jumped to her feet, her face twisting with anger. "Stop it!" she yelled loudly. I winced. "Stop trying to placate me while you scramble for a believable lie!" I winced again. She'd hit the nail right on the head. "You can't hide from this anymore! You really were going to kill yourself Saturday, weren't you? Don't even try to deny it! Oh, GOD!" She suddenly threw her arms around me, sobbing on my shoulder. For the second time in two days, I had an upset woman in my arms. It was almost funny. I didn't know what else to do, so I hugged her back.

"Shhh, it's going to be okay, Hilde, everything's going to be okay," I murmured, not believing my own words. The pain from the hollowness inside me was palpable.

"W-what's going on?" a frightened voice asked. I looked at the doorway. It was Quatre, staring at us wide-eyed. Heero, Trowa, and Wufei were with him, too, drawn, presumably, by Hilde's yelling. I looked away sharply, unwilling to look any of them in the eye. I didn't feel up to pretending everything was okay. There didn't really seem to be a point, anyway, not now. The bottom had fallen out of my big master plan. I didn't feel as upset as I thought I would, just vaguely nauseous and so damned empty.

Hilde drew away from me and looked at them, sniffing back her tears. She still held that damned pamphlet in one hand. She shot me a glance, but seeing that I had no intention of trying to stop her, she held it out towards them. "I-I found this…" she said.

Heero took the pamphlet from her and scanned it quickly, his face growing increasingly grim. He looked up at me as he passed it to Quatre. I averted my eyes guiltily. Why wasn't I panicking? Why wasn't I screaming denials, laughing it off, coming up with excuses? Empty, empty, empty, I just felt so empty.

Quatre looked over the pamphlet and then passed it on to Trowa, who merely glanced at it before passing it to Wufei. Quatre looked at me, then Hilde, then Heero, then me again, his expression pained.

"What… what does this mean?" he asked slowly, and it was obvious from the tone of his voice that he knew exactly what it meant, he just wanted someone else's confirmation.

"It means," Heero said, his gaze boring into me, "that Duo's problems are a lot more serious than he was letting on." I looked at the floor, the wall, the ceiling, anywhere but at them.

"Duo… why… why did you lie to us?" Quatre asked. He sounded hurt. The hollow pain in my chest was quickly becoming unbearable.

"Get out," I whispered, crossing my arms over my chest. God, how could my heart hurt so much, feel so empty, and go on beating?

"Duo…" Heero began.

"GET OUT!!!" I yelled, still not looking at them. Dimly I could hear that Hilde was crying again.

"Guys, maybe it's best if we leave Duo alone for a little while," Trowa suggested gently. I shot him a grateful look before quickly looking at the floor again.

"But…" Wufei said.

"Now," Trowa said more firmly, and started herding them out of the room. Heero remained staring at me intently, until Trowa pulled firmly on his arm. Reluctantly, he followed the others out of the room. Trowa gave me one last look before quietly closing the door.

Numbly, I sat on the edge of the bed. God. What had just happened? Everything had fallen apart. Why wasn't I more upset? I mean, I was upset, but in a strange, disassociated kind of way. My chest hurt so much, but that, too, felt somehow… unreal. I laid back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I should be crying, screaming… something. Somehow, I knew I should be crying. Something really terrible had just happened. But the tears wouldn't come. There was just… nothing. It felt, in a way, worse than crying. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. I was… lost.

I'm not sure how long I lay there, adrift in mind-numbing emptiness. Hours, I think. There was a knock at the door, and then it opened. It was Trowa. I looked at him with dull eyes.

"It's almost time to leave for the hospital. You should eat something," he said simply. Without a word, I climbed to my feet, feeling as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I followed him to the kitchen. I didn't see any of the others. When we reached the kitchen, he motioned me towards the breakfast counter. I pulled out a stool and sat down, watching as he proceeded to make a sandwich. When he was finished, he set it before me and took the opposite stool.

"Thanks," I mumbled. We sat in silence as I ate the sandwich. It should have been unnerving, but for some reason it wasn't. Maybe it was because I somehow sensed that he didn't expect anything from me. I finished eating and just looked at him.

"Wufei's still here. He managed to get a few more days off from the foundation," he commented, breaking the silence. I quirked an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. "I managed to convince them that you didn't need all of us to accompany you to the hospital, though. Heero seemed like he was going to insist, but even he gave in. I can still go with you, if you like."

"Okay," I said, genuinely surprised, and very grateful that he'd talked them into it. Trowa looked at his watch.

"Speaking of which, it's time to go," he said, rising to his feet. I sighed, and followed him out to Quatre's garage. Apparently Trowa had already arranged to borrow one of Quatre's cars, because he had the keys with him. I sat in the passenger seat as Trowa drove us to the hospital, neither one of us speaking. I felt sick when the Everett Psychiatric Hospital came into view.

Just like yesterday, the trip through the elaborate security set-up was unnerving, especially now that I had a new conviction about just how hopelessly fucked up I really was. I probably did belong in here with all the other psychos.

By the time we reached the door to Dr. Mitchell's office, it was two p.m. on the dot, so I knocked on the door while Trowa sat on a bench to wait. Dr. Mitchell answered and waved me in with a smile. I sat on the couch and she sat in her chair, clipboard in hand. For a while we just looked at each other.

"My, aren't we talkative this afternoon?" she laughed. I just kept looking at her. It actually seemed to unnerve her a bit. She cleared her throat. "So, did you have a chance to look at those pamphlets I gave you?"

"I… glanced at them," I replied tonelessly. She raised her eyebrows.

"Well, what did you think?" she pressed.

I rubbed my face wearily, suddenly wondering why I was here. There was no longer any hope of convincing the others that I was okay, so why keep up the ruse of seeing a doctor? It wasn't like she could really help me. I was beyond helping. Worse even, I didn't deserve to be helped.

"I think… I think this is full of shit," I said finally. I expected her to get angry or something, but all she did was lean back in her chair and look thoughtful.

"Why do you say that?" she asked after a moment.

I didn't have the energy or the inclination to explain myself to her. "I don't know," I replied sullenly, looking away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her jot something down, and I stiffened. I really didn't have the patience for this. Why the hell was I here?

"What did you think of the pamphlet on self-injury?" she asked.

I sighed. "I just glanced at it, I didn't really read it," I admitted. She leaned over and picked up a copy of the pamphlet that was oh-so-conveniently on her desk.

"You really should read it, Duo. I think you'll find it interesting. There's a lot of information on the reasons why people S-I, and there's also a list of things to do instead of S-I when you're feeling the urge. I think it would be very useful for you."

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. I was getting one bitch of a headache. "Listen. I don't want to talk about this."

"Duo, you can't just ignore the problem and hope it will go away," she said. I hated the tone of her voice. So pleasantly understanding. What a load of bullshit. My stomach twisted, and I was once again overwhelmed by how empty I felt. I suddenly felt sorry for her. She had good intentions, I knew she did. But she couldn't help me. I was wasting her time.

"I'm not ignoring anything," I snapped. "It's hammering me over the head whether I like it or not. It never goes away." She seemed to consider this for a moment. She put the pamphlet back on her desk.

"Maybe it's time we discussed medication," she said, as casually as if she were suggesting we discuss the weather. I glared at her.

"I told you yesterday, you are not shoving pills down my throat!" Suddenly I just had to get out of there. I jumped to my feet. "There's no point to this. I need to get out of here. It's been real, doc." I turned and strode out of the room, leaving her with a shocked expression on her face.

The drive back to Quatre's estate was just as quiet as the drive to the hospital. I had expected Trowa to inquire about my session, to ask how it went or why it was so short, but he didn't, and for that I was grateful. He finally spoke up as we stepped out of the car in the garage.

"I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but the others really do want to help, if you'll let them," he said softly.

I looked at him and almost asked none-too nicely how the hell he knew that, but I stopped myself as I was suddenly sure that he did know that. I nodded mutely.

When we went into the house, we found the others sitting in the living room. The TV was on, but no one seemed to be watching it. They all looked decidedly uneasy, even Heero. Hilde's eyes were bloodshot, as if she'd been crying all day. She probably had been. I felt a pang of guilt.

Quatre rose and gave Trowa a hug when he came into the room, and then they both sat snuggling against each other on the couch. I sank into an armchair and didn't look at anybody. I didn't say anything either. There just didn't seem any point to putting on the joker's mask. The silence threatened to go on forever, until finally Quatre spoke up.

"So… how did it go?" he ventured.

I didn't look at him. "Please, can we not talk about this right now? Can we just… sit here and watch a movie or something?"

"Okay… if that's what you want." He sounded so unsure of himself. I guess none of them really knew what to say or do. What exactly was the proper etiquette for this situation, anyway? Did such a thing exist? I think they were just grateful that I was opting to stay in the living room with them instead of retreating to my own room.

We spent the rest of the day like that. Quatre put on a cop movie with lots of explosions. Afterwards, we ate dinner, and then returned to the living room to watch more movies. No one spoke, except to make an occasional idle comment about the current movie. It was… eerie.

I didn't really pay too much attention to the TV. I looked around the room at my friends from my perch curled up in the armchair. I realized that I loved them, I really did, and that… they didn't need me. In fact, they would be better off without me. It hurt to see how much pain I was causing them, even as a small voice in the back of my mind continued to balk at the idea that they really cared about me. My heart ached. The emptiness inside me was pure hell. How could emptiness hurt so much? I hugged my knees to my chest.

It was then that I thought about dying.

I slowly analyzed the situation. My big plan from yesterday had failed miserably. In retrospect it wasn't a very good plan. It had, after all, crashed and burned within 24 hours. My presence here was hurting my friends. I could leave, go back to my apartment on L2, but what was waiting there for me? More loneliness, more emptiness, more unending, unbearable pain… It hurt to be alive. So why go on living?

With increasing clarity, I knew what I had to do. It was the only thing that made sense, really. It's not as if I'd never considered it before. My heart constricted so tightly that it was a wonder it didn't explode. It was the right choice, the only choice. A strange calmness stole over my mind. It would all be over. I would be… free. The others would probably be sad for a while, but ultimately… they'd realize they were better off. It was the best thing for everyone. I'd never been more certain of anything in my entire life. I was even more certain than I had been Saturday. I felt… acceptance.

The third movie of the evening ended. I didn't even remember what it had been about. Wufei announced that he was going to bed, and the others agreed that it was a good idea. We all went upstairs. The magnitude of my decision threatened to overwhelm me, and suddenly I wanted to hug them all good-bye, but that of course would have aroused suspicion. I just looked at them, murmured a good night, and ducked into my room. I leaned back against the door, taking deep breaths. I had a moment's hesitation, but the black hole in my soul reared its head, threatening to split my chest open. My resolve hardening, I moved forward as if in a dream.

I looked in my bag and was glad to find the huge bottle of aspirin I'd brought to Quatre's two weeks ago still in the pocket. I went into the bathroom and filled a glass with water. I could've been watching someone else do it, it felt so unreal. I looked in the mirror. My reflection was still the hollow-eyed ghoul, the stranger. This was the right decision.

I watched as the stranger opened the pill bottle. He methodically took out a pill, put it on his tongue and swallowed it with a sip of water. He did it again. It was mesmerizing. I knew that what he really wanted to do was take the scalpel and split his veins wide open, but it wouldn't do to get blood all over Quatre's bathroom. So he swallowed another pill. I stood and watched as the ghoulish stranger with the haunted eyes swallowed pill after pill, until the bottle of 100, which had been nearly full to begin with, was empty. I felt a peculiar sense of exhilaration when I saw that last pill disappear in his mouth. I stared, and those haunted eyes stared back at me. I'm not sure how long we stood there, staring at each other. I was starting to feel decidedly… peculiar. The world was narrowing, my vision blurring and wavering. There was a strange ringing in my ears. I suddenly thought of Heero, probably asleep by now, in the very next room, and I felt a pang of… regret? I wasn't even sure why.

On sudden inspiration, I stumbled back into my room, stripping my shirt off as I went. It was a little tricky, considering my peripheral vision had all but disappeared and I could feel the blood pounding in my head, but I found the scalpel where I had hidden it away in a drawer. I returned to the bathroom. I had to concentrate very intently, and I was wavering on my feet, but I watched as the stranger in the mirror started to carve letters into his chest. When he was finished, there were two words visible. From my perspective, they were backwards, since it was a reflection, but I knew what they said. Suddenly my legs could no longer support me and I sat down hard on the floor with a very loud thud. The noise seemed to echo through my head, and I giggled. I actually giggled. Feeling very heavy, I let my upper body fall back as well, barely noticing when my head hit the tile with another audible thud.

I was sprawled out on the bathroom floor, naked from the waist up except for the gauze still wrapped around my arms. My chest felt wet, so I brought a hand up to touch it. It felt like I was moving my arm through water. I brought my hand up in line with my hazy vision, and was mildly interested to see that it was covered with blood. I let my arm fall back bonelessly above my head. I blinked once, twice, and then let my eyes fall shut on the world for what I hoped would be the last time.

TBC