Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Scar Tissue ❯ Why? ( Chapter 16 )

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Part 16

Heero continued to stare at me from the doorway, only now he had a rather incredulous look on his face. He was really making me uncomfortable. Or should I say more uncomfortable? It would be an understatement to say that I was rather ill at ease to begin with. As the seconds dragged into minutes, I actually began to get impatient. I don't know what I had expected from him, but I know I didn't like him standing there just staring at me like that.

"So, uh, you just gonna stand there all day?" I asked, trying to sound light, but I couldn't keep a note of irritation from seeping into my voice. I hugged my arms closer, wanting nothing more than to bury them underneath the blankets. But that would make me look nervous, wouldn't it? Nope, couldn't have that. I had to play it as cool as possible.

Heero finally stepped into the cubicle, and sat in the chair next to the bed. He continued to look at me with that piercing glare. I tore my eyes away and started to ramble.

"You still haven't told me what's up. Have you been hanging around here all day? You didn't have to do that. That nurse is pretty weird, huh? Nice, but weird. That doctor, though, he had a stick up his ass or something. Have you eaten? Is the hospital food edible? Not that I'm really all that hungry or anything, but you know how disgusting hospital food is supposed to be and I've always been curious as to whether it lives up to its reputation. Or lives down to its reputation, as the case may be…"

"Why?" Heero interrupted, halting my inane monologue. I looked at him. I supposed that I could play dumb, pretend that I didn't know what he was talking about, but I knew what he meant. It was the question I'd been dreading, the question they would all ask. And I didn't really have an answer. How could I explain to them what I couldn't even explain to myself?

I sighed and looked away, suddenly taking great interest in examining the wall. I carefully mulled over my options. There was no way I could continue to plausibly deny that I had a problem. The very idea of doing so was ludicrous at this point. But what did that leave me? Spilling my guts to them, crying on their shoulders? I nearly cringed at the idea. They'd all seen me at the lowest point of my life last night, but somehow the idea of being that open and vulnerable to them was still… unacceptable. Maybe I could no longer deny that I was messed up, but that didn't mean that I felt any more at ease with the idea of them seeing me messed up. So… not act like I was upset? Tell the truth, more or less. But don't make a big deal out of it. Hmmm, tell the truth, what a concept for Duo Maxwell, Mr. Never-Tells-a-Lie, huh?

So I summoned all of my self-control and looked Heero straight in the eyes. "I don't really know, Heero. I guess it just seemed to be the thing to do at the time," I replied flippantly, with a smirk on my face. I was quite proud of myself. Neither my voice nor my gaze faltered for one second. And every word was true.

Heero's eyes widened, and his mouth opened, then closed again. My smirk widened into a grin, and damnit if it wasn't partly genuine. I seemed to have thrown the Perfect Soldier for a loop. But then he scowled, his eyes flashing anger.

"How… how can you JOKE about this?" he seethed. God, he was furious! I didn't know what to make of the strength of his reaction. Now it was me who was thrown for a loop. I concentrated on taking a few calm, even breaths. I had to keep my cool, not let him see any evidence of what I was really feeling.

"Well, why not? It's not like it's a life or death situation," I said slyly, raising one eyebrow at him.

He glared at me in disbelief. He jumped to his feet and for one brief moment I was afraid he was actually going to hit me. I unconsciously sunk back into the bed a bit, but not for a second did my smirk waver.

"Baka!" he finally spat out, and I just barely managed to suppress a wince. "I thought you were going to die! I thought I… I…." He broke off and sharply turned around, stomping out of the cubicle. I stared after him, baffled. I'd never seen him act like that in the entire time that I'd known him. There had been something in his eyes, behind the anger… I couldn't exactly place it, but it made me very uncomfortable.

I sighed. That hadn't exactly gone well. But should I really be all that surprised? Even Heero couldn't be expected to take a situation like this in stride. I rubbed my aching head. This whole thing was a horrible mess. But at least I knew I hadn't lost my joker's mask.

A few minutes later Hilde appeared in the entrance to the cubicle. Her eyes were red from crying. It was getting to be a familiar look for her. And it was all my fault. She hovered in the doorway, looking at me with wide, uncertain eyes. I quirked a smile at her, and she smiled back, relief washing over her features. She suddenly rushed forward and threw her arms around me, rather awkwardly since I was lying in bed. Surprised, I tentatively returned her embrace, even though it hurt the stitches on my chest.

"Oh, Duo, you scared me so much! I thought you were going to die! I'm so happy you're okay. Why did you do that, Duo, why?" she asked, the words spilling from her mouth in a frantic torrent. She finally pulled back, sitting in the chair as she wiped a few fresh tears from her eyes.

That question again. Why? I pushed down my embarrassment and prepared to continue playing it cool. I had to be careful, though, this certainly wasn't going to work if I made them all angry, like Heero. I composed a sheepish look on my face and smiled ruefully.

"I guess I went a little loopy. Sorry I scared you," I said lightly. Hilde raised one eyebrow and looked at me as if I'd suddenly sprouted a second head. I grinned innocently.

"Um… okay," she said, sounding puzzled. She looked like she was going to say more, but stopped. Instead, she composed a fake bright smile of her own. I suddenly realized that she wasn't pushing the matter out of fear of upsetting me. Great. Just great. That's all I needed, her treating me like a piece of glass. My mind raced. How could I fix this? Could I fix this? Damn, damn, damn!

"Look," I said, still grinning vacuously. It took physical effort to keep my muscles from locking up with tension. "I meant it. I think it's pretty obvious by now that I'm… not right in the head." That's it, keep smiling, act casual, not like you're admitting aloud for the first time that you're a fucking psycho. "Loopy, wacko, not playing with a full deck, whatever." I crossed my eyes and twirled my finger in a circular motion next to my ear for effect. Hilde looked like she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. "And I kind of… lost it there last night. I really am sorry I scared you. Like I told Heero, it just seemed like the thing to do at the time. So how is Heero anyway? I think I really pissed him off." I inquired, grinning mischievously. I was honestly curious about that, but more than anything I was grateful for the opportunity to smoothly change the subject.

Hilde gave me a piercing, yet uncertain look. She knew I was trying to change the subject (hell, it's not like I was being subtle), but she was also perplexed by the things I'd just said. She seemed to be trying to decide whether or not she should pursue the subject or let it slide. I looked away from her gaze, which threatened to peel away all my defenses.

"Well…," she began slowly. "Heero stormed out of here with murder on his face, but he didn't say anything."

"Heero left?" I asked, not knowing how to interpret the flicker of emotion that stirred up in my chest at that thought.

"I don't think he left the hospital, he just stormed away from us. What did you say to him, anyway? I've never seen him so angry!" Hilde replied.

I decided not to point out that she actually hadn't seen him all that often. "Well, I guess I kind of just joked around with him, and he wasn't impressed. Then I joked that this wasn't a life or death situation and he just lost it," I answered.

Hilde stared at me wide-eyed. "You really shouldn't joke around about it, Duo." She reached out and gripped my hand, pulling my arm forward a bit in the process, and I resisted the urge to pull away since she was making my scars more visible. "Heero was very scared for you. We all were."

I looked at her like she was the one who was loopy. Heero? Scared? Was she on crack or something? "Hilde my dear, Heero doesn't get scared. Especially over me. He's Mr. Superhuman Emotionless Perfect Soldier." I was surprised by the hint of bitterness that had entered my voice. Why should I care?

Hilde gave me an incredulous look. "Are you really that blind? Of course he cares about you! He cares a lot! He was frantic last week when we were looking for you. And you should have seen him last night…" Her voice trailed off and she lowered her eyes. Apparently she was about as eager to dwell on it as I was. But I reasoned that if I didn't seem reluctant to talk about it, then it would reflect better on me. Ah, the reasoning of the unreasonable.

Besides, my morbid curiosity really made me want to know what had happened after I had lost consciousness. How had I ended up in the emergency room before it was too late? I still couldn't decide if it that had been a good thing or not, and I was reluctant to dwell on that particular question. And what she was saying about Heero was confusing the hell out of me.

"So, uh, what exactly happened last night?" I asked brightly, impressed that I managed to sound so casual while inquiring about how I had been saved from my suicide attempt. I looked at her, but couldn't quite make my eyes meet hers. As it turned out, I didn't have to, since she dropped her gaze to the floor, looking very uncomfortable. When she finally began to speak, I could tell that it was taking all or her self-control to keep the slight tremor in her voice to a minimum. Guilt twisted in my stomach.

"Well, I was woken in the middle of the night by Quatre. Tears were flowing down his face, and I immediately feared the worst. He said that they'd just called an ambulance, that Heero had heard a thud in the bathroom and when he'd investigated he'd found you… p-passed out on the floor. The empty bottle sitting on the sink made it pretty obvious what you'd done. I… I can't even begin to tell you how scared I was as I hastily pulled on some clothes and rushed to your bathroom. All I could think was that it was too late, that we were going to lose you. When I got there, Quatre was crying in Trowa's arms. Trowa's face was pale and grim, and he was holding Quatre so tightly I couldn't believe he wasn't crushing him. Wufei was talking urgently to a dazed servant, instructing him to go down and wait for the paramedics and to quickly show them up when they arrived. He was trying not to show it, but I could tell he was really shaken. And then… then I saw you, lying on the floor. And you were so pale… so pale… and covered in all those scars..." She wrapped her arms around herself, shuddering. I swallowed hard, morbidly transfixed by her words even as my stomach was twisting into knots. "I was sure it was too late. But Heero was kneeling next to you, frantically giving you CPR. His eyes were shining strangely, like there were tears that wanted to fall, but he wouldn't let them. And he was chanting to himself, `Don't die, don't die, please don't die, you can't die,' over and over again. Wufei had to pull him away from you when the paramedics got there, he didn't want to leave your side. Then he just watched them work, his fists clenched, his eyes blazing. Then I heard the paramedics say that you were still alive." She looked up at me then, her eyes glistening. "And I was so relieved, I thought I'd die. It was when they brought the stretcher in and lifted you on it that I finally noticed the blood on your chest and on the floor. I must have asked about it out loud, because Wufei told me what you'd done, his voice hollow. I couldn't believe it, especially when he'd told me what the words were." She stared at me intensely, the confusion written across her face. "Why did you even feel the need?"

I could only shake my head in indication that I did not have an answer, for her or for myself. My mind was spinning with what she'd told me. Heero had heard the thud. Christ, he must have come in just after I lost consciousness. Suddenly I was very glad I hadn't been awake to see the look on his face when he'd found me.

"Quatre's limo followed the ambulance here, and we had to watch from the hallway why they worked on you. Then you woke up, and I guess you know what happened after that. I had to watch while my best friend in the whole world fought the doctors who were trying to save his life, fought to die. Watch while they strapped him down and shoved a tube down his nose to pump the aspirin he'd swallowed out of his stomach!" Her voice was hoarse from unshed tears, and I flinched at the anger in it. But she was right. How could I have done that to them? I hadn't slit my wrists because I'd been worried about getting blood all over Quatre's bathroom. Christ, hadn't I realized that finding me dead from an OD wouldn't have been any better? How could I have tried to kill myself in my friend's house, with everyone there? How could I have been so stupid as to follow that up with fighting the doctors in the ER, while my horrified friends watched? How could I have done that to them!? I should have crawled off somewhere to die alone…

Suddenly Hilde's face blanched. "Oh God, Duo, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it, I didn't mean to blame you! You just scared me so badly. And please don't ever say that we don't care about you. Any of us. Especially Heero. You didn't see his face, Duo. You didn't see him pounding on your chest, begging you not to die."

"It's okay, Hilde, you had every right to say what you said. I'm not upset," I soothed her. Christ, this was all too much to process. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't picture Heero visibly upset. Then again, if you'd asked me yesterday if I could picture Heero seriously pissed off, I would have said no. Confusing. This was all very, very confusing. "Um, is there a bathroom around here? I gotta take a leak," I inquired, twisting my mouth into my trademark smirk. You'd never guess I'd just heard the story of my suicide attempt.

"Uh, yeah, I think there's one just outside the cubicle actually. But are you sure you should get out of bed? Maybe I should find the nurse," Hilde replied. She was wiping her cheeks, though she'd managed not to cry during her story.

"No, no, that's not necessary," I said as I started to ease myself out of the bed, wishing fervently that I had something to cover up my arms. But hell, it wasn't like she hadn't already seen them at this point, huh? I swayed a little on my feet, a bit lightheaded, and grabbed onto the wall for support. Hilde rushed over to help me. I felt really pathetic, but I let her help me shuffle out of the cubicle, pulling the cart with my vitals monitor along with us. Couldn't disconnect the thing and let everyone think I was dead, now could we?

We stepped out of the cubicle and I saw that it was in fact a large medical ward filled with similar cubicles, offering the patients a fair bit of privacy. From the nurse's station in the middle of the room, the wacky nurse from before gave us a small disapproving frown, which disappeared when I grinned cheekily and waved at her. Seeing that we were okay, she let us continue. There was indeed a small bathroom in the corner, only a few steps from my cubicle.

"Don't worry, I won't try to drown myself in the toilet," I quipped as I closed the door behind me, leaving a surprised Hilde outside.

Alone in the bathroom, I leaned back against the door, letting out a deep breath. It was all I could do not to scream in frustration. How had I gotten into this mess? How could I have done this to my friends? What was going on with Heero? And why did thinking about him make my stomach flop in a most peculiar fashion? Why, why, WHY? It seemed like that was the magic question.

I looked at my reflection. Staring back at myself, I suddenly remembered how it'd felt, watching the other me in the mirror swallow pill after pill. It had been like watching another person, not like I was doing it at all. The memory was surreal. But I had done it. And now I couldn't take it back. I had tried to kill myself. Attempted suicide. Tried to take my life with my own hands. And I still didn't know if… if I should try it again, away from the others, so that they wouldn't be hurt.

I found myself rubbing absently at the bandage on my chest through my hospital gown. It itched. Suddenly I wanted to see it. I pulled my hospital gown off, taking care not to dislodge the heart monitor. Then I carefully pulled back the bandage, exposing the stitched words to view. I stared at them in the mirror, a lump in my throat. Though they appeared backwards in the mirror, I knew what they said. What was it Hilde had asked? `Why did you even feel the need?' How could I not? But it had been foolish. What had I been thinking to write that? Why ask for something you don't deserve, and can't possibly expect to get? Jaw clenched, heart constricting, I lightly traced over the letters with my finger.

F-O-R-G-I-V-E M-E.

Forgive me.

TBC