Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Scar Tissue ❯ Friend ( Chapter 24 )

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Part 24

I sat in the armchair in my room, hugging my knees to my chest. Everything… hurt. My thigh burned. My arm throbbed. My split lip stung. Pain pulsed behind my eyes, intense and persistent. I felt… so incredibly lost.

Hilde sat in the desk chair, practically wringing her hands in her nervousness. She hadn't said a word since she and Sally had led me back here from the parlour where I'd spent the afternoon, drinking and listening to music. Sally had left us to fetch her medical bag, having decided that my lip needed a stitch or two. Heero packed a powerful punch. I supposed I should consider myself lucky he hadn't knocked out a tooth. Lucky. What a fucking joke.

I knew why Hilde had stayed behind. They didn't want to leave me alone. Even as I resented it, I knew I had no one else to blame but myself. I had certainly done enough to earn their mistrust. I leaned my head back against the chair, staring out the window with dull eyes. Hollow. I was so fucking hollow.

No one had said anything. When I had asked them to tell me what to do, none of them had known what to say. They'd just looked at me helplessly. Uncomfortably. Until finally Hilde and Sally had helped me to my feet and led me from the room. I had not resisted them. Heero's mouth had opened, like he was going to say something, but then he had snapped it shut, turning his face away. Empty. I was so fucking empty.

What was I going to do? What could I possibly do? The hopelessness was all-consuming. It scared me, twisting my insides with cold dread. There was little that the human mind could not endure, as long as there was hope that it would eventually end. But when there is no hope? What's left then? How could I… how could I keep going on like this, feeling like this every day? Forever? Because there was no hope. I knew that with complete and utter certainty. There comes a point when you just have to give up. When you just have to accept that you are not qualified to be a normal, functioning human being. And nothing can change that.

I hugged my knees closer to my chest, fingers digging into the material of my jeans. I kept my head turned away from Hilde's direction, not wanting her to see the look on my face as I clenched my eyes shut and ground my teeth together, grimacing in pain. I wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop. Had tried to make it stop… but it hadn't worked.

Memories of that disastrous attempt rose in my mind, and I barely repressed a shudder. I felt every bit as desolate now as I had that night. Nothing had changed. If anything, things were worse. I could see it in the way the others looked at me. I couldn't stand the way they looked at me. I didn't want to be here, with them. I didn't want to be anywhere. But could I really… try that again? Once more, I had to repress a shudder. But how could I not at least consider the option? I wanted… I wanted out of this skin. Just to not have to feel, to not have to deal with… everything. I needed… I needed to be able to think. To think about things clearly. My fingers itched to hold a blade. I needed focus, focus, focus… the kind of focus that only sinking a razor into my skin could bring.

Somehow I had ended up with my arms wrapped up around my head, face pressed against my knees. The need to cut was so intense I couldn't stand it. I rocked back and forth restlessly, helplessly. Screaming… I could hear screaming in my head. The pain was so bad, so bad… It was choking me. Drowning me. Killing me. Need to make it stop, need to make it stop… stop… stop… STOP!

A gentle hand on my back startled me, causing me to snap my head up. Sally had returned, medical bag in hand. Her face was neutral… her doctor's face. Hilde hovered around behind her. Scared, but trying to hide it. My fault. My fault…

"Let's have a look at that lip, okay?" Sally said gently. Numbly, I unfolded myself, and then sat there expressionlessly as she cleaned and stitched my lip. After a few moments had passed in silence, Sally cleared her throat and began to speak.

"Duo… Duo, I owe you an apology," she said with a sigh. I turned my gaze on her, eyes dull and glassy with despair. She sighed, moving back to sit on the edge of the bed, having finished with her ministrations.

"We've been going about this the wrong way," she said after a moment, looking me in the eye. I blinked and looked away, in too much pain to meet anyone's gaze head-on. Her words took a moment to register. What did she mean?

"I'm afraid we've… I've been focusing on the symptom instead of the problem. Self-injury is a symptom. Focusing on the larger problem is just as, if not more important than focusing on trying to get you to stop. In fact, just trying to get you to stop without addressing the larger problem can be downright harmful," she continued. I lifted my head to eye her warily, but still not looking her in the eye. Where was she going with this?

"In fact," she continued, "the same is true regarding Dr. Mitchell. It was a mistake to try to make you continue seeing her when you didn't want to. Even she told me as much when I phoned to cancel your appointment yesterday. She said it wouldn't do you any good at all to be seeing someone against your will. She gave me a list of all the good therapists she knew of who had experience with treating patients who self-injure. Only a couple of them are on L4, but if neither of them are to your liking, we'll go wherever it's necessary…"

I blinked at her. We? Go wherever it's necessary? Shame was coiling in my stomach. It didn't make any sense. Why… why would she or anyone be willing to do that? For me? I didn't deserve it. Time and time again it would feel as if no one cared, as if I was worth nothing to them, and then… there'd be something like this. Why were they trying to help me? Why hadn't they given up yet? They should give up! I didn't deserve their caring! Unless it was just pity… It had to be just pity… No one could care… not about someone as worthless and as pathetic as me. I clenched my jaw, wanting once again to fold myself up into a fetal position in the chair, but afraid of the impression it might give Sally and Hilde. Unshed tears were pricking at my eyes. I was not going to cry now, not in front of them. Not again.

"There's another thing," Sally mentioned with a sigh. Just peachy. "We… we found the… the razor blades, as I'm sure you noticed." Every nerve in my body suddenly stiffened, and my breath caught in my chest. Oh God, I did not want to talk about that. If she noticed the increase in my discomfort, Sally ignored it and continued on. "First off, we're not… we're not angry or anything like that. It's important that you know that." She wasn't looking at me. God, I wished I could just disappear. "I think it best though… if you would let me check whatever you did… to check for infection and clean them properly…"

"They're fine," I snapped, more harshly than I would have liked. My face was inflamed with horrible, all-consuming shame. Sally did raise her eyes then, a helpless look on her face. I looked away sharply, finally giving in and bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them tightly. The cuts on my thigh burned hotly, as if in response to being the subject of debate. Anything. I would have given anything to be somewhere else at that moment.

"Duo… It really would be best… you don't have to be ashamed…" But I did feel ashamed, so ashamed I wanted kick and scream and rage. So ashamed I could barely draw breath. So ashamed I wanted to die. "It would be bad if they got infected. And Dr. Mitchell said it would be best to encourage you to be open about this… to reassure you that you don't have to hide it, that no one is judging you…" Hysterical laughter threatened to bubble over. Be open about it? Not hide it? Was she fucking serious?

"I want them back," I said before I could stop myself. Sally blinked at me.

"What?" she asked.

"I want them back," I repeated, my skin crawling. "If you really mean it you'll give them back." Sally stared at me for a long moment.

"You want us to give them back to you?" she asked in disbelief. Oh God, oh God, why had I said that? But I couldn't take it back now. And God, I needed them back, I really did, I needed to cut so bad my skin was crawling and my fists were clenching and every breath was painful. And what did it matter now, they couldn't possibly think any less of me now, so what did it matter, what difference could it ever make now? I dug my fingernails into my palms, trying to suppress the hysteria I could feel coming on as my thoughts became erratic and disjointed.

"Yes," I said, a note of desperation creeping into my voice. "You said you wouldn't judge and that I shouldn't hide it well I just want them back I won't do anything I promise I won't I'll try my hardest but I just want them back I'll feel a lot better if I could just have them back." I paused, breathless, and hating myself more than I ever could have imagined. How could I really be saying this to them? Had I sunk that low? Was I really that desperate? I felt so sick with shame that I thought I might be ill right then and there. Sally looked over her shoulder at Hilde uncertainly.

"I think you should give them back," Hilde said after a moment's consideration. Relief flowed through me, like cool water splashing through my veins. "He needs to know we trust him,"

"Are you sure? But… but what if he…" Sally trailed off.

"He said he'd try not to. That's good enough for me. And we can help him."

"I don't know… Hilde, he's not thinking clearly right now…"

I pushed my face against my knees, rage and helplessness boiling up in me, pushing away the blessed relief I'd felt only a moment before.

"Please stop talking about me as if I'm not even here," I ground out icily, not bothering to lift my head.

"Oh, Duo! I'm sorry! I didn't even realize…" Hilde exclaimed, her voice chagrined. I sensed her move to my side and place a hand on my shoulder. I managed not to flinch. "I'll get them back for you, okay? Please just promise me you'll try not to use them. But don't feel guilty if you do! Trying is all we ask. And there are lists of things you can do when you… when you have the urge. They can help you to resist. You don't have to be ashamed of this Duo. Just please let me help you. Let us help you."

I raised my head a little, enough to turn a measuring gaze on her. Her expression was so earnest. She really wanted to help. I didn't understand it at all but she really did want to help me. I… I didn't know how to deal with that. And I was so, so unworthy of the effort.

"Since when are you such an expert on the subject?" I asked her wearily, hoping my voice didn't sound too harsh. Her cheeks stained pink.

"I've, uh… been doing some reading. On the internet," she explained with a small, sheepish smile.

"Oh?" I replied with some interest.

"Yes!" she continued on excitedly, sensing that she had captured my attention. "You wouldn't believe how much information there is out there if you just look. So many people have gone through this, Duo. You wouldn't believe how many. You're not alone. You should look into it. I think it could really help you, reading about other people's experiences. I could show you some of the sites I found, if you like. You should think about it at least, and let me know well, when you're ready."

I rested my head against my knees again, head still turned to look at her contemplatively. She had gone through a lot of trouble. For me. It seemed unreal. And the thought of… of seeking out information and stories about cutting on the internet was both terrifying and strangely intriguing. Perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad idea. Maybe… maybe it could help me figure out why the hell I was so screwed up. I took a deep breath.

"Okay," I said slowly. "We… we could do that." Her face lit up, and I was just relieved to finally be causing her something other than pain.

"That's great!" She paused for a moment, a thoughtful expression on her face. "You know, Duo, even with all that I've read, I'd hardly call myself an expert. I… don't really know what I'm doing. I don't know what the right things are to say. I don't know if anything I could do would help you or just hurt you more. All I know is that you're my friend and I want to help you. Even if I can't understand everything, even if I stumble and say or do the wrong things sometimes, I want to be here for you, and do whatever I can to help." I swallowed, not knowing what to say in response. Not knowing what to feel. Hilde turned to Sally.

"Go get his blades," she instructed firmly. I felt a small jolt of surprise. It was the first time since Sally had first brought them up that anyone had actually referred to them as `blades'. For some strange reason I couldn't put my finger on, I think I was actually grateful to Hilde for that. Sally still did not look terribly pleased, but she gathered her medical bag and left the room.

Just the two of us in the room again, Hilde crouched down next to my chair, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and leaning her head against mine. At first I stiffened, but slowly some of the tension began ebbing from my body and I found myself leaning back against her.

"We're going to get through this, Duo. I believe in you," Hilde said firmly. It felt almost as if something gave in my chest, and the tears I'd been holding back for so long began to track down over my face. "We all believe in you," she continued, giving my shoulders a squeeze. "Even Heero, though he may have a funny way of showing it," she added with a small laugh. I couldn't help but give a small laugh of my own in response. It dissolved into a sob. Her grip tightened, the other arm coming up to wrap around my folded legs in a full-on embrace.

I wanted to deny it. I really did. I wanted to push her away and curl up into a small ball of pain and misery and self-loathing and just die. Alone. As I truly felt I was and deserved to be. But I couldn't deny that it was such a… such a relief to let someone who just might really care about me hold me and let me cry soft, quiet sobs of pain and fear and desperation.

Hilde buried her face in my shoulder and held me for a long time as I cried. I could feel the wetness on my skin where her own silent tears were soaking through my shirt. And I thought maybe I didn't have to be alone, if I could just let myself believe it.

TBC