Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Seraphim ❯ Seraphim ( Chapter 1 )

Title: Seraphim

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: 2+1, 3+4

Warnings: Language, Duo POV, OOC, mentions of physical and verbal abuse, contemplations of suicide, dark, angst

 

 

I sit here on the floor of my room, staring at the bottle of painkillers on the desk, wondering how many it would take to drown the pain in my heart. Idly wondering if it will stop beating before the pain even subsides. It took four of the blasted things just to ease my migraine. I sit, stare, and wonder. I could very easily swallow the whole bottle if that's what it would take. But, I know I won't. I'm a fucking optimist. I tell myself, ` things will get better, I cannot be the baka forever. This war will one day cease and people will see the real me.' But this is a lie. The war will never end. I will always be the idiot in the eyes of my fellow pilots. Heero will always hit me. Trowa will always ignore me. Quatre will always look at me with pity. Wufei will always mock me. Nothing ever changes. And yet, I am a coward. I desperately look for changes that will never occur. My heart shrieks in agony as Trowa holds Quatre in his arms. My blood pours from invisible wounds deep inside me as Heero guards Relena close to him. His fists sting, but it is his words that puncture. It seems as if the harder I try, the more I am ridiculed. I no longer have the strength to hide behind masks. Heero yells at me to shut up. I am quiet. Wufei screams that I should be more serious of a pilot. I am permanently sober. Trowa says I eat too much. I have ceased in consummation. Quatre says I sleep too much. I have resorted to insomnia. I have battled my flaws, hoping for recognition. They yell at me still, saying that I am not acting ` right'. It seems nothing pleases them. I have lost the ability to cry. I am a soldier, thus, I do not weep. Though this hole inside me grows, I keep on fighting. Though I wish, more than anything, to feel Heero's arms around me, I allow his strikes because I know no other way.

` At least he is not ignoring me.'

My heart supplies. I am not the idiot they claim. I know that this cannot last. The war and their treatment may go on, but I cannot. Yet, I still cannot find it in me to end my life. I know that I cannot stop the war, but I can keep Heero from being killed. This is enough to satisfy me, my keeping them safe. My heart is torn in two, for a need to stop this pain that will inevitably kill me and protecting the only people I love. As I sit there, I wonder, when I die, will there be anyone who will mourn for me? Will anyone even care? Or will they slowly forget about me? I suppose it does not matter. Regardless, I carry out my duties as a Seraphim, my clothes tattered, my wings shredded. I will continue to fight until they are reduced to bloody stumps. I am a coward because of my need for love. I crave it, hoping day after day that someone will quench my thirst for affection. But within each day, this hope diminishes just as my body is dying. And soon, the hope will be gone, I will no longer plague my comrads. Until then, I will continue to be their guardian with only my useless hopes keeping air in my lungs.

 

The End

 

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