Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Shadows of Winter ❯ What did I do wrong? ( Prologue )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

It had been six years since I saw him walk away. Six long years. I never thought he'd disappear off the face of the earth, or the universe for crying out loud, but fact of the matter was, Heero was gone. I wasn't prepared for the vacuum of lonliness that enveloped my heart. I just didn't realize that I harbored such deep feelings for the perfect soldier. Everywhere I went, he was there, if only in my mind. I couldn't escape him. I was Heero's prisoner in a war that was long over.

I stood on the semi busy sidewalk in the crisp early winter evening. Rain had fallen earlier in the day, slacking off to a thin veiled mist that sent shoppers eager to get ahead on Christmas shopping bustling past me. Tossing my cigarette down to the pavement, I stuffed my hands deep into my pockets, careful not to brush too many shoulders as I headed back to my lonely apartment. I didn't really need anything from town, just a bit of second hand human contact, but this weather was getting out of hand. The temperature hovered just above freezing, I wish it would snow. It was cold enough outside to make the keys in my pocket ice cold, so I wrapped my fingers around them, warming the metal.

Once in the solitude of the apartment, I flipped on my light and tossed my mail down on the coffee table. I always checked my junkmail in the slim hopes that maybe, -just- maybe, Heero would try to make some kind of contact with me. Nothing but adverts for the local malls and supermarkets. They'd make good kindling, at least. I liked to watch the fire crackle in the fireplace. Watching the flames dance and lick over the logs I placed in always put my mind in a peaceful state. I can't explain why, but when I sit in front of the hearth, staring at the fire, I just find thoughts coming through more easily. It's as if the fire opens a door and let's out things my concious mind doesn't want to deal with.

I had told him I loved him.

Right after I hit the self destruct button for Deathscythe, Sandrock and Heavyarms. I took a few minutes to say my goodbye's to Quatre and Trowa, and I went to find Heero. I think he was waiting on me, and I think that's what helped the words come along. They came, anyway, and without much of my help, to tell the truth. I just said it, "Heero.. I love you!". Maybe I was jealous because he was so concerned over Relena. Maybe it was for the fact that he had saved my life. More than once. In more ways than one. But it was the truth.

I loved him.

Flopping down on the couch, I turn the ringer off on the phone and sat back, flipping the t.v. on and letting my mind go through it's normal routine of events. A lot had changed in the six years since we had won the last war and the Gundams had been destroyed. I owned my own salvage yard. Working in scrap wasn't a bad life. I had money in the bank, my bills were paid and I didn't have anything to worry about. I owned a nice apartment on the nice side of town. First floor. I didn't even have to climb steps. The neighbors were nice and every once in a while, the lady upstairs would bring down a cake or pie or something and in return, I'd come fix the faucet or change a lightbulb. Life was really good. But it could have been better.

We just stood there, looking at each other. I could still hear my words echoing in the air. I even think I remember a slight look of fear in his eyes, too. Those beautiful blue eyes. I don't think Heero even knew how handsome he was. Maybe he's forgiven me. I don't know. I still haven't forgiven myself yet. Damn. If I had just kept my mouth shut. It was too soon... way too soon. The stress of battle was still on us. If I had kept my mouth shut, then maybe he would be here today. A telephone call away. I could just pick that phone up, dial his number and say, "Hey, Heero! Let's go do something fun!" Of course, I doubt he'd come running if I put it that way, but still.... and I was so stupid to just utter those words so wrecklessly.

But that's me. Duo "Wreckless" Maxwell. I swear, if my mouth gets any bigger, I'll fall right in. He's probably married now, anyway. With kids. His life is probably good. He probably has a steady nine to five, comes home, enjoys the family. What was I thinking when I told him that? It was so stupid of me.. damnit, I do this every night. Just sit here and beat myself up over something as foolish as "I love you." It's crazy, but yet, I've never really been all there.

Getting up, I make a bee line to the fridge and pull out a nice bottle of blackberry merlot. I like my liqour sweet, and most of the time, in moderation. Pouring myself a glass, I spot the microwave popcorn. The good kind. The kind with so much butter, you swear you gain ten pounds just eating the bag. Ah well, what the hell if my ass gets big. It's not like there's anyone waiting out there for me anyway. May as well enjoy life and be happy while you can.