Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Shatterglass ❯ No Reason to Live ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Gundam Wing character and I'm not making a profit by writing this. This is purely for pleasure!

Warnings: Language, eventual lemon, attempted suicide

Authors note: Okay. Here's the deal. The ENTIRE story of "Shatterglass" is written and completely finished (all eight chapters). However, I'm going to be very sadistic and REFUSE to post the next chapter unless I get AT LEAST five reviews!!! Come on, people! You have fingers!!! USE THEM! : )

Also, if you are interested in see the GW pic that inspired this story, please e-mail me and I will send it to you! : )

Chapter 1: No Reason to Live

Heero's POV

I don't seem to have a reason to live anymore. My life seems so empty now. Where's the meaning? What happened to the higher purpose?? Now that the war has been over for a year, I find myself wondering "Why am I still here?" There's no mission for me to fulfill. No more orders to follow. No more enemies to fight.

No reason to live.

Of course, the others have no problem with getting on with their lives. Quarte bought a house on Earth and he invited the other pilots to come live with him. They all agreed. I'm not sure why I'm here, though, except that they all seem to expect me to come with them, so I did. The house isn't big, since-after living in the Colonies for so long, where everything is cramped-nobody would've felt comfortable living in a big house with more space than we would've know what to do with. Therefore, the house only has three bedrooms. Quarte and Trowa share the master bedroom on the second floor and Wufei resides in the other bedroom on that floor. Duo and I share the one bedroom on the main floor. It's not much, but it suits my needs. Duo didn't seem to mind either.

Just because the house is small doesn't mean it's not luxurious, though. There is a fully stocked kitchen on the first floor, as well as a pantry, washroom and a small library. The basement has been converted into Wufei's own private dojo, but we all use it to keep in shape. Upstairs is Quarte's study, where he runs his father's business from and receives reports from his sisters. There is also a balcony on the second floor that overlooks the designer living room, which is where I am right now. The eastern wall is made entirely of glass and overlooks the a few feet of cliff and then drops off sharply into the ocean. The sun's just set outside and all the lights in the house are shut off, so that nothing is reflecting off the window at the moment. The glass is so clear, that I can hardly even tell its there. However, every time I reach out, the glass is still there, pushing back at me. The irony of the situation is not lost on me. Since the war, I've felt as I'm on the inside looking out. Outside, there is a world full of people getting on with their lives, working on rebuilding and enjoying the newfound peace.

And I'm stuck on the other side of the glass. I don't seem to belong in this world. Without the war, I'm nothing. I have no idea how to live. I've never had a home or a family to come home to. Never had someone who loved me or someone to love back. Actually, I'm not even sure I'd recognize it if someone loved me. How can you recognize something you've never experienced? Or an even better question: How can I love someone if I don't even understand what love is?

The others don't seem to have my problem; they all seem well adjusted to living in peace time. Right now they are all out shopping for things to celebrate the first anniversary of our newfound peace (Duo's idea, obviously). That leaves me here, alone, in this empty house. Empty like me. I actually haven't left the house for over six months now. When the war first ended, I tried to assimilate, to become normal. I even let Duo and the guys drag me out to some bar called The Strip. The club was noisy and crowded and obnoxious. Just like Duo, actually. The lights pulsed out over the dance floor in rhythm to the music that blast out full volume over the speakers. There were bodies dancing everywhere, crammed tighter than sardines on the dance floor. After a few agonizing minutes of pure hell watching from the sidelines, I left. I didn't tell anyone; I just left. They guys got back around four in the morning and Duo reprimanded me for leaving so abruptly. I just sat there being my usual, unemotional self and road it out. I mean, how could I explain to him that the Perfect Soldier isn't so perfect? That in fact I'm so screwed up that I don't even know how to have a normal life. That I don't even know how to function in times of peace. Eventually, Duo realized that I wasn't going to respond and angrily stomped out the room, brushing past the others on the way out. Wufei lit into me after that, and then stomped off in the direction that Duo went. Supposedly to comfort him, I guess. Quarte just smiled sadly before he and Trowa retreated off to their room.

I only went out once more after that. I'd finally gotten fed up with Duo's whining about how I never got out and did anything with him, so I agreed to go shopping with him and the others. The trip was definitely a failure. Halfway down Isle 9, I felt something hit the back of my knee sharply. Old reflexes kicked in and the next thing I knew, I had a small kid pinned beneath me while slowly blocking off his air and a hysterical woman yelling at me to let her kid go and Duo screaming at me. I froze. I didn't know what had just happened. I mean, I had been under attack, right? Hadn't I? Trowa at least had the presence of mind to pull me off the kid before I did any real damage. The mother immediately scooped up her kid and ran off. She must have called the Preventers, because a few minutes later they showed up and escorted us off the property. The store manager also showed up and informed us that we were no longer welcome to shop in his store. Lucky, Noin was one of the Preventers that showed up and, recognizing us, only gave us a stern warning before depositing us in the parking lot. Then came the worst part. I finally had to face the others. Duo and Quarte were livid that I'd attacked a little kid and Wufei ranted on and on about honor. But it was Trowa's silent, condemning glare that really got to me and, for lack of anything better to do, I turned around and walked off. I'm not sure why; it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

Without anywhere better to go, I ended up heading back towards Quarte's house. They guys passed me in the car on the way. They must have seen me, but they didn't stop. I didn't blame them.

The guys eventually forgave me, but after that incident, I decided not to leave the house anymore. Not that Duo and Quarte didn't try every method of persuasion they knew-including some forms of torture-but I always refused. For some reason, I couldn't bare the thought of the other pilots knowing the Perfect Soldier's flaw: he didn't know how to interact with normal people. I mean, I couldn't even determine the difference between a real attack and a four year old accidentally bumping into me in the grocery store-

Suddenly, there was a soft beep, bring me out of my reflective retrieve. Turning away from the window, I looked down at my laptop set up on the end table beside me. It had finished booting up.

[No new messages] the wind read.

I sighed. For the past year, I'd been waiting for some sort of contact from Dr.J. Another mission, a recall back to base, anything! Everyday, I checked and everyday there was nothing. Everyday confirmed what I already knew: I was no longer needed.

The others didn't know I did this, of course. They knew I still had my laptop, but I never let them see me use it. They tried to persuade me to get rid of it after the war, but I didn't. It was my one link to the past. A symbol of what I was back then: A necessary tool. And I was okay with that. That's what I was raised to me. That was my purpose. I was something useful. Getting rid of my laptop now would be like admitting defeat, confirming that I was no longer needed anymore.

I sighed again, and realized it was getting late. It was already pitch black outside and I could no longer see the ocean; only hear it. I knew I should probably disconnect my laptop soon-they guys would be getting back soon-but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Turning back to the darkness beyond the glass, I could no longer see the ocean and all I could hear was the raging of the waves. I felt a twinge of anger at that. Even the damn waves could be more alive than me. What they hell was I doing wrong? Its not like I hadn't tried to fit in; its not like I didn't want to. I guess it wasn't until I tried to live a real life that I realized how much Dr.J had fucked me up. What did his Perfect Soldier, train since I was three to fight in the war, need to know about love? About caring for others? Families and friends were just liabilities, he'd always told me. They didn't fit into his rigorous training schedule. Even emotions were a liability to him, and thus he also developed Saratine, a drug designed to deaden my emotions so that they wouldn't be a hindrance to my mission or affect my judgment.

Damn it! I can do this! I can be a normal teenager and have a normal life if I want to.

In a burst of frustration, I ran over to Duo's enormous sound system and pushed the power button while twisting the volume up to full blast. It was something that I'd seen Duo do many times and he seemed to be normal enough. Immediately, something Duo called `heavy metal' began to pulse out of the speakers, rocking the house and shaking the glass in their panes. The beat flooded the house, raging even louder than the ocean outside. I could feel it beating in my chest, as if it were a pacemaker and the only thing that was keeping my heart beating.

I let the angry music wash over and through me, canceling out everything except the feeling of it, the emotion behind it. It was foreign for me, to only be able to feel an emotion-even if it was someone else's-and nothing else. For so long, I'd only relied on facts and logic and sight and touch. Emotions were always an intangible and unpredictable and therefore unreliable.

However, even I knew that the music wasn't enough. Yes, I could feel the singer's intense emotion, but I could feel very little of my own. It was like a slight breeze through and open window, giving me a small taste of the world on the other side. But I was still on the inside looking out.

"God damn you, Dr.J!" I screamed at the window. "You did your damndest to fuck me up and IT WORKED! I don't even know how to be normal! I can survive the whole fucking war and for what?! I don't even know how to live in peace time! Even I understand how fucked up that is! I-"

BEEP!

I looked over at my laptop, startled.

[Message from 4 18.10] a small window read. [Do you want to receive? YES/NO]

4 18.10 was Dr.J's code number. Could it be orders for another mission?

Holding my breath, afraid that I was just hallucinating the small, gray message box, I moved the cursor to [YES] and clicked. The music was too loud to hear the hard drive whirling, but I could feel the slight vibrations beneath my fingertips.

BEEP!

Another message box appeared: [Do you want to begin decryption? YES/NO]

I clicked [YES] and again waited for the dialogue box to appear

[4 18.10: Pilot 01, I have new orders for you. Are you operational?

8 5 5 18 15: Yes.

1 18.10: Here is your new mission. The war is over. There is no place on

earth for a Perfect Soldier. Soldiers are no longer needed to ensure

peace. Your very existence, in fact, threatens peace. Your final

mission is to self-destruct and rid the world of this threat.]

I froze. Self-destruct?

[4 18.10: Do you accept?]

Well, here was my confirmation. Even Dr.J knew that I couldn't-shouldn't-exist in this new world order. Even Dr.J had said that soldiers were no longer needed. And I was a soldier. It was the only thing I knew how to be.

And soldiers didn't question orders.

[8 5 5 18 15: Mission Accepted.]