Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Shatterglass ❯ Loving You ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Gundam Wing character and I'm not making a profit by writing this. This is purely for pleasure!

Warnings: Language, eventual lemon, ATTEMPTED suicide

Authors note: Okay. Here's the next chapter! : ) By now, you guys should all realize that I like cliffhangers, however, the one for this chapter isn't that bad.

For MM.org, the number of reviews must say that I have seventeen TOTAL reviews and for FF.net the number of reviews must total 24, before you get Chapter 4!

God! You guys are great! I'm ecstatic at the number of reviews I'm receiving. For those of you who hate being "forced" to review, I'd like to remind you that I can't "force" you do to anything. You either review or you don't, so don't be pissed at me please. And yes, it is probably very mean of me to withhold chapters until I get reviews, but I have gotten more reviews on two chapter of this story in the last 24 hrs than I have on ALL of my other writings combined!!!!

Also, if you are interested in see the GW pic that inspired this story, go to: http://www.geocities.com/ladyampris/Shatterglass.html

Chapter 3: Loving You

Duo's POV

Someone screamed. I don't know how I know or how I heard it over the bounding music, but I know someone screamed.

And I know I have never moved so fast as I did that moment when ran towards the cliff, reached out, and caught Heero as he fell.

I don't remember how I got there. Or anything else in the space of those three seconds. What I do remember is seeing Heero's Prussian blue eyes staring up at me and begging me to let him go.

I wanted to cry when I saw that look. I wanted to scream when I realized that the Perfect Soldier was begging me for his death. I wanted to kill him myself, for putting me in such a position. For giving such a choice.

I did none of those things, however. Instead, I bit my lip until it bled, and began the slow and painful process of pulling Heero back up. Surprisingly, he didn't fight me. But then again, he didn't help me either.

Eventually, I was able to pull him up onto the cliff beside me. I was breathing hard by then; I wasn't in as great of shape as I had been during the war. Once I was finished, I became aware of the sharp pain in my knees. Looking down, I saw that I was slowly working the glass shards into my jeans and into my skin. Frowning, I shifted so that I was squatting over glass in an attempt to avoid further injury.

Finally, I turned my attention to Heero. He hadn't moved from beside me and was now sitting-apparently oblivious to the glass-with his knees pulled up protectively in front of him. It took me a moment to place the expression he had on his face. He looked…vulnerable. Like if I touched him, him might shatter as surely as the window had.

Suddenly, Heero's expression changed into one of his more familiar Death Glares, but he wasn't looking at me. Looking over my shoulder to see what Heero was glaring at, I realized Wufei was yelling. I could hear him-apparently-because someone had shut off my stereo.

"….What the hell did you think you could accomplish, Yuy? What kind of fucked up stunt is that?! Don't you have any honor? How-"

"Shut the fuck up, Chang!" I yelled, cutting him off.

He glared at me and shut up. I just glared back.

Jesus! Wufei could be so insensitive sometimes! I mean, even I know that you don't tell someone who's just tried to kill themselves how "fucked up" they are.

Glancing at Quarte's shocked face, I realized that he wouldn't be much help in defusing the situation. Quarte, always one to try to help, would probably try to force Heero into telling us why he just tried to commit suicide. However, as the resident expert on what makes Heero tick, I knew that that could do more damage than good. Heero was stubborn, and interrogating him about his feelings and emotions would only make him withdraw from us even more. He was a Gundam pilot, for God's sake! He was trained-just like the rest of us-to resist interrogation. No, the best thing would be to just let Heero open up on his own. Which meant that I had to get Heero out of here before Quarte's shock wore off and he started talking. They couldn't be trusted not to say anything that would hurt the situation even more.

Grabbing Heero's arm, I pulled him out and dragged him through the broken window.

"Okay, I'll take care of this guys," I said in a voice the brooked no arguments. "Heero needs to be cleaned up right now. We'll talk about this in the morning, okay?"

Then, before they could respond, I pulled Heero in the direction of our bedroom.

Once safely inside, I shut and locked the door. When I turned around, I found Heero exactly where I'd left him, looking like a lost child who didn't know what to do next. It was so un-Heero-like that I was beginning to believe that aliens really had abducted the real Heero after all.

"Heero?" I asked cautiously.

He looked up, which was equivalent to a reply in Heero Language.

"Uh, look. I need to clean up your hand. Let me get the first aid kit. I'll be right back, okay? Don't go anywhere!"

Heero didn't answer and continued to just look at me. No answer from Heero is usually translated into `Yes'. Unless, of course, he doesn't answer you, pulls out a gun and points it in your face. That is definitely a negative answer.

Satisfied that Heero wouldn't leave, I hurried into the adjoining bathroom, grabbed a washcloth and then rummaged around under the cupboard until I found what I was looking for.

Emerging from the bathroom, I held up the kit triumphantly.

"Found it!"

Heero was sitting on his bed now, his hands resting on his spandex clad thighs. He didn't even look at me; instead he had his eyes glued to my side of the bedroom, which was blanketed with layers of clean and dirty clothes (as opposed to of his side of the room, which was neat, ordered and spotless).

Mindful of my own injured knees, I opted to squat down in front of Heero. This, of course, put me at face level with his crotch, in just the right position to blow him …. NO! I wont think of that now! I'm supposed to be helping Heero, not thinking about sex!

"Okay, now lets see what we've got here…" Grabbing his right wrist, I pulled his hand forward so I could get a better look. Five large pieces were embedded fairly deeply into the knuckles and there were several smaller shards as well. I winced, knowing that his hand must hurt like hell.

Using the washcloth to protect my fingers, I grabbed onto the first shard and pulled gently. The glass wouldn't budge.

"Damn, Heero," I said mostly to myself, "you've really done a number on yourself this time."

Shifting to get a better grip, I pulled again, this time leaning backwards and putting my weight into it. Just when I was about to give up and try a different tactic, the piece of glass gave and I found myself landing on my ass at Heero's feet. Blood immediately began to flow from the wound. I ran to get another washcloth from the bathroom and instructed him to stanch the blood flow while I pulled out the other pieces. The other four were less difficult than the first, but I knew that it must have hurt like a bitch when I was pulling them out. Heero, of course, kept his face blank the entire time, refusing to acknowledge the pain. It reminded me of the time when he set his own broken leg without so much as a whimper. I mean, talk about control!

After disposing of the damnable pieces of glass, as well as one shredded and one blood soaked washcloth, I returned and began coating his hand with antiseptic.

"Look, I think these might need stitches. The glass was in there pretty deep. Do you think you could stand that?"

"Hn." Another yes.

Taking the suture needle and surgical thread out of the first aid kit, I threaded the needle and began to sow up the cuts. The only sign that Heero even felt it at all was the slight tensing of his muscles.

"Okay, all finished!" I said proudly, surveying my handy work.

Heero abruptly stood up, pulling me with him.

"You're bleeding," Heero said flatly. Putting his hand on my chest, he pushed me backwards towards my bed. Of course, Heero probably hadn't accounted on my tripping over my jeans, sending my sprawling on to my bed, arms and legs spread wide in an attempt to catch myself.

Of course, this position brought all kind of yaoi thoughts to mind. It didn't help any that Heero was now kneeling down in between my legs, in the perfect to…..Damn it, Duo! Do not go there! If anything "pops up" he is definitely going to see it!

I lost any arousal I had, though, when Hero ripped open the knees of my jeans and proceeded to pull out the tiny glass shards embedded there.

"Ow. Ow ow ow ow OW! That hurts, damn it!" I yelled at him, propping myself up on my elbow to look at him.

"Shut up. You're a Gundam pilot. You should be able to deal with the pain by now."

"Well can't you-OW!-be a little more gentle?!"

Silence, again. Which meant yes, he could be gentle, but he didn't let up.

"Sadist," I muttered and then resigned myself to my fate. Laying back down, I gritted my teeth. If Heero could be fucking silent while glass shards were being pulled out from underneath his skin, then so could I! Anything he could do, I could do too, damn it!

"OWWWWWWW! Fuck you, Heero, that HURT!" I screamed, shooting up into a sitting position.

"That was the last one."

"Thank GOD! ….. OW! That stings!"

"It's antiseptic. It will make sure that it doesn't get infected."

"I know what it fucking does, Heero!" I retorted as I watched him spread the medicine on my knees and then proceed to bandage them. I expected him to walk off as soon as he was finished, but instead, he just stayed kneeling in front of me, staring down at the ground. He appeared to be lost in thought.

"Heero?" I asked softly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Silence. I guess that makes another yes. But he wasn't saying anything, so maybe he needed a little more prodding.

"Um….do you want to tell me why you tried to kill yourself?"

"Dr.J ordered it."

That BASTARD, I thought angrily. I knew he was behind this!

"Heero," I said, exasperated, "it's been almost a year since the war ended. You don't have to follow his orders anymore."

No answer.

I sighed. "There's more to it than that, isn't there?"

"I'm not like most of the world, Duo. They all know the war as a distant terror. And I'm not like the soldiers who fought in the war, only taking up arms for a brief time to fight before they return to their husbands and wives and children. I'm not even like you or the other Gundam pilots. The-"

"Of course you are-"

"NO! I'm not!"

"But-"

"No," he said more calmly. "I'm not. You guys only trained with the doctors for two or three years before joining the ward. However, the doctors predicted the war long before they started training you. I told you guys that Dr.J picked me up around the same time Dr.G and the others took you in. I liked. I only said that to fit it; to try to be normal. The truth is, Dr.J took me into his custody when I was six months old. I've trained for the war for my entire life. Dr.J wanted the perfect child soldier and he got one. For sixteen years, I live and breathed the war. For sixteen years, my only purpose was to complete the mission. And for the past eleven months, there has been no war, no mission, no purpose. Duo, you can live in peacetime because you've done it before. I don't even know how to live without war. There's not meaning any more. No purpose. I don't belong here, Duo. I-"

*Smack.*

I looked down at him, sprawled out on the floor in front of me. My palm and eyes were stinging and I realized I'd just hit him. I just hit the Perfect Soldier. Under normal circumstances, Heero would have retaliated by trying to kill me or at least threaten to kill me. The fact that he didn't was a testament to how far we were from normal at the moment. Instead, Heero just seemed as shocked as I was.

"You…hit… me…" Heero said, starring up at me in amazement. "You hit-You're crying."

And I was. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I couldn't seem to stop them. My chest ached fiercely, but I knew that it wasn't a physical pain.

Pushing myself off the bed, I stood suddenly, towering over Heero, emotions swelling up inside of my and I couldn't seem to stop them.

"You selfish prick!" I screamed at him. "How-How dare you! It's all you, you, you, isn't it?! Can't you think about anyone else beside yourself for once? Did it ever occur to you that the rest of us are having a hard time adjusting too? But oh no! The Goddamn Perfect Soldier is too oblivious to care! Did it even occur to you that you'd be leaving us behind if you killed yourself? What about Quarte? If you do, what do you think would happen to him? Knowing him, he'd probably find some reason to blame himself for your death. He'd cry for you, you know that? He'd fucking cry for you! And Trowa! What about him, huh? He doesn't say much, but you know he looks up to you. He'd never let on, because he's so quiet, but you know that he'd be hurting inside if you were gone. And every time someone would mention your name, you'd see this little flicker of pain in his eyes. And Wufei! He respects you, you asshole! I could count on one hand the number of people Wufei really, truly respects. What do you think he'd think of you if you took your life? Where's the honor in that? And what about me, damn it! What about me?" I dropped to my knees in front of him, too drained to keep standing. I was sobbing now, the tears soaking my face and I no longer bothered to try and wipe them away. "You're my partner, damn it! The only person besides Solo I could ever really call a friend. What do you think would happen to me if you died? You're so thick. You'd probably think I'd continue on with my `happy little life' and not even give you a second though, huh? I mean I know you don't feel the same way about me as I do you, but I at least thought you felt something, damn it!"

Without thinking, I shot forward. I was balanced precariously over the length of Heero's body, one hand supporting me by his side and the other wrapped around his neck, bringing our faces so close that I could feel Heero's quickened breathing on my face.

"Heero, I love you, damn it," I whispered softly, and then leaned in and kissed him. It was a soft kiss, just my lips warmly pressing against his, but it was a kiss none the less. I had fantasized about his moment for so long, I could hardly believe I was actually doing it. I was kissing Heero Yuy.

Oh, shit. I was kissing Heero Yuy!

I shot backwards, my back hitting painfully against my bed. Heero's eyes were wide in shock and I could hear someone talking really fast, but Heero's lips weren't moving-oh God! What soft lips!-and I finally realized it was me.

"…can't believe I just did that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Honest! Please don't kill me! I know you're probably straight-I mean, there was that whole thing with Relena, right? And-Jesus, I can't believe I just did that. I mean, I knew you didn't like me in that way. I mean, if you had, you would have responded to my flirting, right? But then, you never seemed to have a problem with Quarte and Trowa-but I guess that doesn't really mean anything, does it? I mean-God, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me Heero. I-"

"DUO!"

"Huh?"

"Did-" He paused, his eyes skitter across the room in what I would normally describe as nervously if anyone else had done it. His eyes finally settled on the door across the room, and for a moment I got the fleeting impression he might bolt. "Did you really mean what you just said?"

"About what?" I asked stupidly, thrown by the weird way Heero was acting. I settled down some, realizing that if Heero hadn't killed me yet, that it was likely that I might make it out of this alive.

"Do you really love me?"

"Uh…yeah. Stupid me, huh? Falling in love with someone who wont ever love me back," I told him, nearing hysterics.

"Not wont."

"Huh?"

"It's not that I wont love you. I can't."

"Can't?"

"I-" His eyes met mine briefly before falling towards the carpet between us, his fingers nervously-yes, nervously-picking at the fibers. "I don't know how…"

"Huh?"

"I said I don't know how, damn it! I'm not even sure what this `love' thing is!"

"That's stupid. Of course you know how-"

"Duo," he said, his eyes meeting mine squarely, "do you really think I would have tried to kill myself if I thought you loved me?"

He had me there.

"But…" I protested weakly, "that's ridiculous…"

"Duo, a blind man doesn't know what color blue is if he's never seen it. So how am I supposed to know what love is if I've never felt it?"

"You've never felt love?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, now you know just how much Dr.J fucked me up. What did his Perfect Soldier need to know about love?"

"But-but," I sputtered, at a loss as to what to say.

Finally, I asked, "Would you love me if you could?"

Hesitantly, "I think so."

"Oh."

"Duo?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you teach me?"

"Teach you what?!"

"How to feel love."

"Teach you?! Heero, I wouldn't even know where to start!"

"Oh," he said, and he looked so small sitting there in front of me that my heart seemed to break.

He was silent for a long time.

Then something changed. I'm not sure what, but this strange, skittish, shy, and all around weird Heero seemed to shut down. In it's wake was the Heero that I knew. The Heero from the war. The one who was always cold, indifferent and unfeeling.

"I guess I had the right of it after all. I'll never belong."

I watched as he picked himself up off the floor and headed resolutely towards the door. He paused momentarily, his back ramrod straight, his hand resting lightly on the knob.

Without turning, he said coldly, "Don't try to stop me this time."