Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Skirting the Issue ❯ Chapter 1

Skirting the Issue

Warnings: shonen ai, cross-dressing,

Pairings: 1+2, 3+4, 5+13+TM (You'll see in the story)

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing characters belong to Mixx Entertainment, Koichi Tokita, the SOTSU Agency, Sunrise, Kodansha and anyone I may have forgotten, not to me. I make no money off of this.

I've used this plot idea before in a spec for another fandom, but not like this and I really wanted to...well, let's just say I wanted to see the Gundam Boys "skirt" the issue. I hope you like this.

"In the name of the moon I shall punish you!"

Heero closed his eyes in mental anguish as he heard that line, but he continued to assemble his handgun anyways. "Duo, tell me you're not watching what I think you're watching." He set the barrel on and reached for the bullets.

Duo looked up over the back of the couch and grinned. "C'mon, Heero, Sailor Moon rocks!"

Heero shook his head, pushing the cartridge in and listening to make sure the first bullet advanced automatically into the chamber. The sound always made him feel better and brought a happy light into his cold eyes. "That is a child's show, Duo."

"So?"

The door to the safehouse burst open and Quatre bounded inside, dragging Trowa behind him. The tall boy precariously balanced multiple packages in his arms while more bags dangled from his hands. His smile seemed less from the "therapeutic effects of shopping" and more from the relief of finally coming home. With a sigh that showed just how tired he was, he dropped the packages on the table and pulled a chair out, propping his head up on his hands.

"Headache?" Heero murmured.

"Mmf," was the reply. "Every damn store in the mall..."

"Hey, Quatre!" Duo grinned, waving. "What did you buy?"

The blonde joined Duo on the couch. "Oh, nothing much--"

Trowa gasped, froze with wide eyes and fell over sideways.

"--just some neat stuff at the mall! I was feeling pretty stressed, so I mostly went just to shop."

From the kitchen, Wufei entered wearing his usual blue tank top and white pants, sweat glistening on his chest. All conversation halted as they watched him open the fridge and bend over, digging around in the back for a water bottle. He stood back up and pressed the dripping bottle against his forehead in an effort to cool his body down, and almost absent-mindedly he reached back and removed the band around his ponytail. His hair fell around his face, hiding his eyes for just a moment until he tilted his head back and took a long swallow from the bottle. Halfway through his drink, he noticed the dead silence and turned just in time to see everyone suddenly look away, either at a gun or a television set or just behind a thick bang.

Wufei groaned and all but slammed the fridge door. "This is going to be one of those stupid fics where everybody wants me, isn't it?"

*crunch!*slam!*

Duo glanced back at Wufei. "Could you put the fourth wall back up, please?"

Wufei crossed his arms and glared. "Why should I? You were the ones staring at me."

Duo grinned malevolently. "'Cause if you don't, you'll have hundreds of 'onnas' scrambling in and running their hands all over your hot body under that tank top, through your hair, undoing those pants, examining your 'sword' and--hey!" he yelled, looking up. "Author! You're rambling again!"

(Author: Oops. Sorry. Guess my imagination took off on me. Okay, no more Wufei-sexual objectification.)

Wufei sighed and pulled the fourth wall back up. "Baka onna."

"So, what did you find at the shops?" Duo asked, restarting the conversation.

"Just some clothes for Trowa. I had to get him out of that turtleneck if we were going to neck at all and--oh, yeah!" Quatre dug in his pocket and brought a sparkly, old fashioned key that seemed to be made out of some kind of shiny yellow plastic.

"Oooh...sparkly," Duo grinned as he looked at it.

"Isn't it?" Quatre nodded, twirling it about in his fingers and casually pressing the tip. The key suddenly emitted a loud squeal and lengthened out until it was taller than Quatre, though that really wasn't saying much.

"I think you rubbed it too hard," Duo said dryly.

"It's...nng, heavy!" Quatre gasped, trying to hold it straight. Still not used to handling long objects, he couldn't stop it from falling forward onto the television set. The key began to glow and the area in front of it began to swirl as if it was a bad Microsoft screen saver.

"What the hell?!" Duo cried, scrambling back over the edge of the couch. Quatre tried to follow, but the swirl quickly developed into a vortex that appeared intent on swallowing him up. Duo grabbed Quatre's hand just before he lost his grip on the couch, and the other three pilots ran forward to snag Duo. A moment later, Duo lost his footing and now Heero had to hang on to two desperate pilots as Trowa held him and Wufei anchored them down.

"What's happening?!" Wufei yelled over the roar of the vortex.

"Maybe it's an interdimensional tear in the space-time continuum ripped open by a disguised time key at that second-hand store which will take us to a completely different world that none of our training will have prepared us for!" Duo somehow managed to get out in one breath.

Four pairs of astonished eyes stared at him.

"Yes, I'm sure that's it," Wufei growled sarcastically.

"Aah!" Quatre called out frantically as his hold on Duo's hand started to slip.

At the back of the human chain, Wufei felt his slippers begin to slide along the smooth floor. "Damn it!" And with that, they all fell forward into the vortex.

"Don't let go!" Heero yelled as they plummeted through a multi-colored swirling tunnel straight out of a sixties acid flashback. "We can't afford to get split up in this!"

"I gotcha!" Duo nodded, tightening his grip on Quatre, whose body was leading the way down.

Half a minute later, they all spotted a light at the end of the tunnel. They fell straight through the light and spotted the ground far beneath them. Fortunately, they were more floating than falling, and they all landed gracefully on a grassy patch of dirt. Except Heero. He landed on his head. Again.

"Where are we?" Quatre asked, looking around.

"I...I want to say Tokyo," Trowa said uneasily. "There's the tower, but...something's wrong."

Duo picked the unconscious Heero up and looked around. "Maybe it really is a completely different world," he said.

"Maxwell," Wufei snapped, "drop that idea! It is ridiculous!"

Duo stuck out his tongue. "Like falling through a big damn vortex isn't?"

"The odds of that being a dimensional warp are--"

Another voice, hidden in the trees, suddenly yelled out "in the name of the moon I shall punish you!" followed by a bright flash of light and an explosion.

Wufei sighed. "--are one in one, I guess."

Heero's eyes, meanwhile, flew open and he sat up in Duo's arms. "I heard an explosion. Where is it? What happened?"

"I don't know, and I don't know," Duo shrugged.

Heero glared at him. "Your mission summaries always suck."

Back in the trees, they heard frightened screaming and a handful of different voices yelling "Sailor Moon!" in synch. After another explosion, huge plumes of dirt charged out of the trees and several girls in skirts came running out of what the boys could now see was the cherry grove in the city park.

"Holy crap!" Duo grinned. "That key must've taken us into the cartoon! It's the Sailor Scouts!"

Heero groaned and made no move to get out of Duo's arms. "This is punishment. I don't know what I did, but it must have been bad on a cosmic level to rate this."

"Hey, you boys!" Sailor Jupiter yelled. "Get out of here or you're gonna get hurt!"

"Stupid onna," Wufei sighed. "Hurt by what?"

A monstrously huge...um...monster...lumbered out of the grove hurling massive fireballs with less than deadly accuracy, and the ones that did come near the stupid girl with the long pigtails only knocked her backward. In fact, she seemed to have the amazing ability to fall or trip out of harm's way.

Quatre tilted his head in confusion. "Why aren't the other girls helping? They're just standing there like part of the background?"

Trowa shrugged. "Who cares? How are we going to get back home?"

Heero narrowed his eyes at the monster. "Look, the key is on top of that monster's head!"

They all stared at where he was pointing and, sure enough, the key glowed noticeably on the jewel embedded in the monster's forehead.

"Ouch," Wufei commented. "Wouldn't having a jewel put on like that hurt?"

"Let's not stick around to find out," Duo said. "Shoot it!"

On cue, the four pilots whose hands were free pulled out handguns and fired at the monster, blowing it away so that it landed in bloody chunks and splattered everyone with monster bits, much like a scene out of Akira. The jewel plopped out and landed on the sidewalk.

"Ewww!" Sailor Venus yelled. "I've got negaverse chucks in my hair!"

"Who did that?!" Sailor Moon yelled. "That was totally uncalled for!"

"Yeah," Sailor Mars nodded. "If we're gonna kill, it should be kept clean!"

"Mindless violence never helps," Sailor Mercury added.

"That was cool," Sailor Jupiter grinned.

"I think she's the only sane one in the bunch," Heero commented.

Quatre was only more puzzled. "It's like they each have to say something in a row, taking turns."

"Let's get them!"Sailor Moon cried. "People, even monsters, shouldn't suffer violent, messy deaths! In the name of the moon, I shall punish you!"

Wufei leaned forward as he watched. "What is she doing with her arms? Is that some kind of martial technique?"

"Just shoot her," Heero snarled, pulling his gun out. He had a rather low tolerance for screaming blondes at this point in his life.

A rose flew out of nowhere and struck his gun out of his hands. A maniacal light entered his eyes.

"Oh, now you've done it," Duo whispered, afraid of the boy he held in his arms. When he looked up, he spotted a young man in a tuxedo dangling in a nearby tree.

"Tuxedo Mask!" Sailor Moon grinned, jumping up and down.

Unnoticed by the other scouts, Trowa's handgun wobbled around. "I can't get a bead on her, she's moving too much."

"The softest rose often drinks the freshest dew, but the black rose only skulks in the mud," Tuxedo Mask said.

"What?" Quatre asked.

"Stars twinkle brightest when fog lays low, and the bravest warrior sits on the sidelines," the other boy added.

"What the hell does that mean?" Wufei griped.

"I don't know, but it sounds philosophically cryptic," Tuxedo Mask admitted. "Sailor Scouts, don't lose heart! You can defeat them if you believe in yourselves!"

"Right!" they all chorused.

"Venus love-me chain encircle!"

"Jupiter thunder-clap zap!"

Trowa, who happened to be the target of the double-attack, leaped high into the air, executed a triple somersault and half-back flip, and landed nimbly next to Tuxedo Mask. With a well-placed punch, the well-dressed boy was on the ground.

"Mars celestial fire surround!"

Duo sweatdropped nervously. "Um, Heero, I can't flip out of the way."

"Just duck."

Duo ducked.

The fire passed over them and disappeared into the trees. Meanwhile, Heero recovered his gun and fired rapidly at the Sailor Scouts. True to form, they all screamed and fell out of the way.

"No wonder the monsters here go insane," Heero complained. "The battles are damned frustrating."

Quatre, forced to defend himself, fought to keep his aggravation level down. "This isn't working! If we're going to win, we'll have to fight with their tactics!"

All of them paled. "You don't mean...?" they chorused.

Quatre nodded grimly and threw down his gun. "Don't any of you laugh at me," he pouted, and then threw his hand up into the air. "Quatre...Star...Power!"

His clothes vanished as bright yellow ribbons flowed magically around him, and as his nails were done in gold his shoes were replaced with shiny boots. He involuntarily struck a pose, right hand on his hip with his left still up in the air, and his golden sailor suit with matching skirt ruffled in the breeze.

Trowa struggled to maintain consciousness. "Kawaii!" he yelled.

Wufei whipped his shirt off and held it to his face, hoping to staunch the sudden blood flow.

"Quatre Zero Insanity Beam!" Quatre yelled.

"Oh shit! Duck!" Trowa yelled, diving to the ground.

Quatre's eyes glowed and he held his hands out, unleashing a huge laser that bolted in all directions, threatening all of them. Fortunately almost everyone dove, but the girls screamed and held still, stupidly absorbing the blast. With painful groans, though, they struggled back to their feet.

"Resilient, I'll give them that," Wufei conceded.

Quatre fell to his knees, weakened by the blast. "Guys...you're gonna...have to transform...or else we'll lose..."

"What the hell!" Duo grinned, setting Heero on the ground. "Duo...Star...Power!"

His black clothing melted away only to be replaced by a completely black leather sailor suit and skirt with thigh high boots and long gloves, with a cat-like mask that barely concealed his eyes. Bat wings protruded from his back and slipped along his shoulders and body like a cloak. In one hand, he held a long, glowing scythe.

"Wow..." Heero breathed. "I knew dreams could come true, but...wow..."

"Duo Shinigami Deathscythe Slice!" Duo yelled, performing an elaborate move with the sickle. Two cutting beams shot out and struck the girls, but again they got back on their feet. "Damn...that never failed before..."

"Duo!" Heero gasped. "You've dressed up like this before?"

Duo only grinned secretively.

Quatre looked up at Trowa expectantly. With a resigned sigh, Trowa calmly put his hand up and said "Trowa star power."

His clothing disappeared before being replaced with blue gloves, boots and skirt, but his turtleneck remained for some reason. To his horror, his bang now flared sideways like a fan, still covering his face but now spreading outward in an acceptable fashion. "Oh...no..."

"Attack them!" Duo griped. "Worry about your hair later!"

Trowa stared at the girls, trying to hold his emotions in check. "Nanashi silence." A bell tolled ominously as a wave of unseen force washed over the girls. For a moment, no one knew what had happened. Then the scouts tried to talk and couldn't.

Five mouths opened at once in mute screams.

Wufei smirked. "That's the best attack so far."

"Your turn," Trowa smiled slightly.

Wufei crossed his arms and glared. "If it were not to attain victory...Wufei...Star...Power!" Green light circled him as his clothes disappeared, replaced by a white sailor outfit and flats. "Dragon Justice Flight!" As he threw a punch in the girls' direction, a huge dragon leaped out of his battle aura and swept across the battlefield, scattering scouts left and right.

"Finish it, Heero!"

Heero glared at Duo and looked away.

Duo tapped his foot impatiently. "Just do it, huh? Or do you want to stay here forever?"

That did it. With his head still aching from the fall and aggravated by the frustrating fight, Heero sullenly put his arm up. "Heero...Star...Power!" His transformation took much longer as he gained beautiful wings that scattered feathers everywhere, and although his tank top and spandex remained in place, a skirt and top so blue that they matched his eyes appeared over them. Ankle boots popped up over his sneakers, and blue gloves with the fingers cut out materialized on his hands.

"Oh, pretty!" Duo yelled, jumping for joy much as Sailor Moon had before.

"Let's get this over with," Heero grumbled. "Self-Destruct Mission Accept--Mmf!" he mumbled as Duo put his hand over Heero's mouth.

"No you don't! We'll finish them off without finishing you off, too! Guys!"

"Right!" they yelled.

The boys all put their hands out, their colored auras surrounding them, and screamed out "Five Gundam Attack!"

Spectacular light burst from their fingertips and slammed into the scouts, and when the dust cleared, the girls were gone.

"Did we kill them?" Quatre gasped.

Trowa shook his head and pointed into the sky. "Look, we blasted them to the moon."

Heero, trying to pull his skirt lower with his hands, stalked over and grabbed the key. "That's it, we're going home. Duo, if I ever hear you watching this cartoon again--"

"I swear, Heero," Duo held his hands up, "no more."

As Heero rubbed the key and reopened the vortex, Wufei glanced over at Tuxedo Mask, who still lay prone on the ground. With a muted snicker, he slung him over his shoulder and followed the other pilots back across dimensions.

The trip back wasn't nearly as bumpy, except Heero landed headfirst on the couch and everyone else landed on top of him. Tangled up in a mass of limbs, they slowly extricated themselves, ecstatic that their normal clothes had returned.

"Well, that doesn't happen every day," Duo chirped happily. "Look, Dragonball Z is coming on next."

BLAM!

Duo yelped as Heero shot the television.

"Um...excuse me..." came a tentative voice from the door.

They all turned and spotted Treize Khushrenada standing there, a rose in his lapel, looking rather concerned. "I heard a noise next door, so I came over..."

Wufei glanced at Quatre. "You have a safehouse next to Treize's house, and you didn't tell us!"

Treize smirked. "Of all the people I thought wouldn't mind--"

Wufei grinned and jumped up, seizing Treize's hand. "We'll be upstairs," he said flatly, and he dragged Treize up while still carrying Tuxedo Mask. He could send him back with the key later.

"Wufei!" Duo called out. "Why are you...with them?!"

Wufei turned back just for a moment. "Roses turn me on." And with that, he left them there gawking as he took off for some much needed rest and relaxation.

The End