Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Solace ❯ Self-Inflicted Realization ( Chapter 2 )

Solace

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Just watching him sleep in my arms makes my heart feel warm and content. To drink in the sight of my own child is fulfilling enough to make me forget my worries. Just like his father, he has made life worth living. I gently sift my fingers through his delicate hair, thinking that I don't deserve such a beautiful child and a dedicated husband that has been there despite the fact that I acted so selfishly in the beginning and expected him to take care of me. He was my savior. For that alone, I owe him my life...

I blissfully lay asleep in dreamless slumber when I felt the rays of the sun urging me to open my eyelids. My lids were half open when I felt a warm body holding me. That feeling made me want to creep back to sleep, but when I tried, I did not succeed. My eyes fluttered open and I sat up.

The sight before me made me want to jump out of the bed. But thoughts of the day before and the day before that changed my mind. I remembered showing up at his hotel room the afternoon before, driving him to that bookstore and...

...seeing the look on his face when he saw my reaction to Millardo's picture...

I thought it was somewhat strange that I worried more about the face Quatre made than Millardo's picture, and I realized that I was getting confused. The feeling of confusion all started the night before, when Quatre held me in his arms after I ran out on him at the bookstore. The embrace felt so reassuring...as if his arms were my refuge and I belonged there. I hesitantly pulled out of his embrace to search his eyes for an answer, and I could see all that he wanted to offer me. I was scared after that. A normal person would have been jumping for joy after they just saw what I saw. Personally, I didn't think that it was fair for him to pick up the pieces, especially off of the woman who had tried to kill him. I didn't think I deserved so much care and attention.

I was too confused...and I was the kind who wanted to forget my problems...

As I was driving, I pictured a boy and a man in my mind over and over again. What I could not figure out was which one was the boy and which one was the man...In the beginning, Millardo was the man for me. He was a bit older, and I knew that, but in my mind, I loved him anyway, or at least I thought I did. But then when he announced his engagement to Noin, I was crushed. I saw no reason in living when I had no one to love or live for anymore. I told myself that I wanted to take my life while I watched the two of them profess their love to each other at the wedding ceremony, but I told myself to live to see it...I don't know why, but I wanted to see if I could at least live through the ceremony. Before the ceremony ended, Quatre stepped in to my rescue and as he touched my hand, it felt so right. He had come just in time.

Before I could reach a conclusion that morning, I felt a raging headache. I did have quite a lot of martinis last night. I stole another glance at Quatre, and I realized that my heart had skipped a beat. He had truly changed over the years. My cheeks burned in embarrassment as my eyes skimmed down his profile. Before I could have any inappropriate thoughts about him, I bit my lip and got off the bed. My hands automatically shifted down to my thighs to straighten what I was wearing, when I realized that I was wearing the same dress that I wore yesterday.

Noticing that there was nothing much that I could do, I walked into the shower to refresh myself, and to clear my head. I thought that after I got out, I would apologize to Quatre and make him breakfast.

After I was done, I wrapped my hair in a towel and covered myself with a robe.

"I could cook you breakfast if you like..." I trailed off to see that he was no longer in the room. Did he leave? No-I had to apologize first. He couldn't leave...I had so much to say. It couldn't be over just like that...just when...

I quickly dismissed that thought from my head.

I frantically reached for the door that led to the rest of my loft and opened it to find my sense of smell aroused by the smell of something frying. I wanted to sigh in relief because I didn't scare him away.

"I see that you beat me to it," I said as I approached him.

He looked back at me with those tender azure eyes and smiled. "I found some eggs in your refrigerator and thought that I could make us an omelet," He turned his attention back to what he was cooking after he finished his question.

"...Omelet?" I asked as I took a seat on the barstool by the breakfast bar. He could cook? And no, it's not just fried eggs, but an omelet. He must have had too much free time just like me after the war.

I never really noticed that he has filled out at the right places over the past few years. He was no longer the scrawny boy that I've tried to kill. He was now a man.

...A man? Where did that thought come from? I didn't know it at the moment, but I later realized that I had developed an emotional attachment to him. He must have felt my eyes on his back because he cleared his throat and I could feel that he was searching his mind for something to say.

"So...you have quite a place here...small but lavish...cozy but sophisticated," he said finally speaking, with his back still towards me.

"It's quite small, but the minute I set my foot on this place to take a look at it, I fell in love with it," I replied. I saw him wince at my words but I quickly dismissed the thought.

After my reply, another moment of silence passed us. I found my eyes wandering around the breakfast bar and my eyes fell upon an envelope. I reached out and picked it up, re-reading the content of the invitation inside it. I looked up at his back to ask him something. Before I spoke up, he already turned to face me as if he sensed what I was thinking. His eyes were looking straight into mine. I had a sudden loss for words which was ridiculous because I was given the best education in verbal communication.

"This thing...this um..." I muttered.

"That invitation? What about it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Relena's engagement party...are you going?"

He paused for a moment and forced out a smile. "Now that you have mentioned it...yes, I think I will be," Funny how after he said it, I wanted to breathe out a sigh of relief.

It was another four weeks after I saw Quatre's face again. During those four weeks of separation, my mind kept meandering from Millardo to him. I was truly grateful that Quatre had come to my rescue when I was in the fit of depression, but I was still convinced that my heart belonged to Millardo no matter what. I entered the room hesitantly, a third of me aching to see Millardo again, the other third dreading to see his wife...and the other third dreading and aching to see Quatre again. I guess I was too embarrassed to even face him again. I didn't know if I was supposed to thank him or apologize to him, or even both, because right after breakfast, I never got around to apologizing to him. He called for a car and we sat in my living room in silence until he left and I could think of nothing to say but goodbye.

I quickly spotted the bride-to-be and placed a kiss on every cheek. She was glowing even though she had that seemingly emotionless ex-soldier next to her. Their love story never started as a fairy tale, but I was absolutely sure that they will live happily ever after. Heero had no emotion on his face at all, but his arm rested comfortably around her waist and she did most of the greeting. I noticed that Heero's eyes softened every time his eyes fell upon Relena. I've always thought that he never deserved her for not only pointing a gun to her face in the beginning, but because he hurt her so much by denying himself of her for so long, but I realized that he made her happy and that was worth it.

"I'm so glad you came!" she chirped, beaming at me. Indeed, Heero did make her happy.

"Why of course I came. Did you think that I could miss such an event? Congratulations!" I replied, trying my best to hide the sarcasm there. Relena was one of my few closest friends now, but there were traits of mine that never changed.

I looked at Heero and saw that he made no attempt to say anything to me. We did not have anything to say to each other anyway. After Relena thanked me, I smiled and quickly excused myself so that she could continue greeting her guests. Many dull delegates and snobby aristocrats were invited to the grand celebration, and I found myself wanting to yawn as I descended the steps before me that led to the dance floor and the dinner tables. When I reached the foot of the stairs, my eyes brushed across the magnificent space to look for even more familiar faces.

My eyes stopped wandering when I saw Millardo and Noin sitting close together in front of a round table. His mouth was brushing her ear, and I saw her giggle as he whispered to her. Words of love, maybe? I would never know. He covered her hand with his own and they seemed to be oblivious to the world around them. I spun around and closed my eyes in disgust, but the world was not crumbling before me like it used to when I saw them together. The feeling of devastation was slowly being blown away like dust.

"Looking for Millardo, Dorothy?"

Thoughts of Millardo seemed to vanish as my eyes opened and hovered over the sight before me. Quatre had never looked so grown up before. All I could think of at the moment was how handsome he looked and I fought the strong urge to look him up and down. Quatre wore a perfectly fit designer tuxedo and his hair was gelled to prevent them from covering his eyes. He had that same gentle smile plastered on his face and his stance towered over me. His big, blue eyes looked at me with an air of uncertainty and he had his hands stuffed in his tuxedo pockets.

"No I...I was looking for you Quatre," I half-lied as I smiled with uneasiness.

He wrinkled his nose, but his smile grew wider, he must have known that I was lying. "These parties are all the same. The same old people, the same old routine, I'm getting tired of it all," he said as he looked at the dancing crowd. I was tired of it all, too.

His head then turned to face me. "There's nothing we can really do but enjoy it, so would you do me the honor of dancing with me, Miss Catalonia?" he asked me as he drew out his hand to offer it. I then realized that his hand was only a concrete symbol of all that he was offering to me. He reached out and moved mountains to help me. He practically bought my soul back and gave it to me on Libra, and now he has picked up and reformed the pieces of the heart that I've broken on my own because I was so foolish as to dream of an impossible love. I've given my heart away to the wrong man, and Quatre has apparently given his to me... Something inside of me just couldn't let me take it.

I must have been looking at him too long because I noticed that he wanted to pull his hand away because he must have thought I was going to reject him. I gave him my almost trembling hand before he could pull away. "Why of course, I would be delighted."

As he held my hand and pulled me to the dance floor, I looked at the man who used to be the enemy before my eyes. How could I have been so wrong? I berated myself for being so stupid.

Quatre placed a hand on my back, and we started synchronizing to the music and to the other dancers. They didn't even seem to be there as Quatre's warmth seemed to consume me. Every time Quatre held me close, I wanted to melt into his arms and into oblivion. It felt as if I had that same feeling before. At the moment, I could not figure out whether it was during a past lifetime, or déjà vu, but I found out later that he held me the same comforting way as my father did. After war took my father away from me at such a young age, I sought to find someone who could love me the same way he did. I thought that I could find a man like my father in Millardo, but it was almost too late to realize that it was really Quatre.

I looked at him again and he smiled at me. "What are you thinking about?" I asked him.

His grin widened. "What am I thinking about? You... tonight...this..."

"What about me, tonight and this?" I wish I didn't ask. My cheeks were burning.

"I don't know...just the fact that Millardo is so lucky to have so much love in the world," he blurted out.

My eyes were pained to hear this. I haven't told him a thing and now he's losing faith. "But you are a wonderful person...I'm sure that--" I protested.

"Prove it," he cut in, challenging me.

"You are...you have selflessly been there for me. You have been my comfort and...and...You're making me think that Millardo was--" I wanted to say that Millardo wasn't the person I loved, but I quickly saw Millardo approaching us. Quatre gave me a perplexed look, but before he could speak, I gasped as Millardo stopped to where we were and tapped Quatre's shoulder.

"May I cut in?" Millardo said, stopping our dance short. I saw Quatre stiffen and try his best not to flinch.

"Yes, of course you may, Mr. Millardo," he replied coolly. He turned around without looking at me or saying anything to me and I could tell that he was trying to hide something by stiffly walking away. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze before dropping it. My mouth was wide open, and I scoured my brain for something to say, but nothing would come out.

My heart sank and it felt as if the temperature dropped by at least twenty degrees. I was really sorry to look at Quatre's retreating and stiff back. Millardo took my numb and cold hand and wrapped placed his other hand on my back. If he asked me to dance several months ago, I would have complied without hesitation, but now all I wanted to do was to excuse myself so I can chase Quatre. As Millardo held me, I could not help but compare his touch to Quatre's gentleness as we swayed with exactitude to the music. I knew this waltz well and knew that it had approximately one minute left. One minute might not seem that long, but it felt like the longest minute of my life.

"How are you Miss Catalonia?" Millardo asked me, his voice smooth.

I stared at him for a moment. "I'm doing very well, and how are you, Mr. Millardo? And how is your wife? I trust that she is well?"

"We are both very well, Thank you."

An uncomfortable moment of silence passed between us before Millardo spoke again.

"Winner seems to be interested in you."

I gave him a puzzled look, but did not answer. Faint memories flashed before me as I saw Quatre disappear into the crowd. I remembered him comforting me at the wedding of the man who I am now dancing with...I remember him fending after me after I pined for a man that didn't even know I did...and what did I do? I hurt him. I gave him a stab wound that was a hundred times worse than the one I inflicted on Libra. Quatre must be thinking that I am in the zenith of pure ecstasy, when I am actually sinking lower by the second because this cold realization hit me.

...I didn't know it hurt me so much.

I didn't know what to do at the moment. I knew it would be impolite and improper to cut the dance short. I didn't know how to go after Quatre and pull him back to me after I've pushed him away so much. I didn't know how to tell him...I didn't know if he was walking out of my life forever. I would have bargained my life to see him again.

I was staring into faceless people when I realized that Millardo had stopped and the clapping replaced the music. I forced out a smile.

"It was a pleasure, Miss Catalonia," he said coolly as I curtsied before him. I looked up at him and found it so ridiculous that I believed that I was in love with him. How could I have been so stupid? He looked at me with no emotion, and his eyes were as empty as a dried out desert as he looked at me. His eyes never gave me the warmth Quatre did...his voice never reassured me the way Quatre did...The sight of him just reminded me how lost and silly I had become after the war.

"Likewise, Millardo, I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening," I didn't care to think of anything smart to say because at the moment, it didn't matter. I left whatever he wanted to say to himself to search for Quatre amongst the drowning crowd. My feet ached to run after Quatre and catch him before it was too late, but the crowd and etiquette prevented me from doing so. I looked to my left and right frantically, and even though no one seemed to notice, I didn't want to look like a madwoman. Still, there was no sign of Quatre. I quickly glanced up to see that he already reached the top of the grand stairs and he was about to walk out of that door and possibly out of my life forever.

I gasped and found myself wanting to push the people in front of me. For goodness' sake, move! Old men and women looked at me strangely but their sight probably failed them anyway. I finally reached the foot of the steps and hitched my dress so that I could walk up. It felt like the hardest ascent I've ever had to climb. I wanted to bargain my soul and my life as long as I could reach him and say whatever I needed to say. If he chooses to reject me because I have finally pushed him to the edge, I will accept it. It was never fair for him to clean up after someone else's crumbs.

...Yet the other half of me hoped that he would still take me back.

I wanted to take my shoes off because they were proving to be an obstacle. That climb was truly the most arduous climb of my life. I was struggling to catch the man who had helped me re-discover the heart that I've wasted away. Now he was walking away not realizing that I am offering this heart to him, probably thinking that he has lost. My biggest fear was if I never found him again...if he never finds out. What will I do then?

I finally reached the top and made my way to the large doors that led to the front terrace. I pushed the doors open, and was it just me or were the doors much heavier than they really were? As I stepped out of the manor, I bent down to remove my shoes. Letting them dangle on my fingers, I hysterically searched for Quatre, but the front terrace was empty. I was all alone in the dark.

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