Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Some Way Back ❯ Hope to Die ( Chapter 20 )

Well this is chapter 20, wow can't believe I've made it that far. Still want to thank everyone who has reviewed and edged me on. Especially Enna and Lianna.

This chapter involves a lot of information and a fair bit of plot development; at least I like to think so. Things are winding down to a close and I am trying to tie in all loose ends but am not sure if it's working out the way it's supposed to. Again this chapter involved angst, sarcasm and actually a little bit of healing for once…amazing ne?

Just incase people haven't noticed, it is a very Duo based fic. This just happens to be because I adore Duo above and beyond every anime character I know (except Kenshin ). Sadly I do not own Duo, only a plushie of him and also none of the other GW boys. I guess I should mention the only thing of Kenshin I own is a tattoo… I just haven't had the chance to get one of Duo yet mwuah hah hah.

Anyway hope you enjoy, if you wish to archive this story or be on the mailing list to find out when I update then please email me arithkenshin@yahoo.co.uk and reviews are always welcome, pleaded neeeedded!!!

#*# = scene change

~ words in direct thought to oneself

~#~ Flashback

~~**~~ end of chapter

Some Way Back: Hope to Die

Quatre woke and yawned. It was Monday, the first day that they would be required to enter the GHD headquarters and `work'. He frowned a little to himself thinking that it had been all a little too easy to gain access to the organization, but then they had basically made a frontal attack, going in under the lines, and GHD had obviously not been expecting it. As he made his way down the stairs he frowned at the smell that was greeting him. The thing was, it wasn't a bad smell at all, in fact, it was a good smell. And the former blonde was not used to associating good smells with Duo's cooking. Entering the kitchen he was surprised to see that Duo had already set the table and was forking out bacon and scrambled eggs onto two plates.

Raising an eyebrow Quatre questioned his friend. "You didn't burn the food?"

Duo laughed a smilely laugh. "I can cook enough that I don't starve Cat… Come on, for someone like me who eats way too much food normally as it is, you can't actually believe that I can't cook."

The expression on Quatre's face was enough to answer just that and it was all that Duo could do to stop himself from falling to the ground and laughing himself silly. "Cat! Really! I am lazy, so I get everyone to cook for me. The best way to do that is to make them believe I can't cook at all. And although I am not overly good at it, I can usually manage something edible."

Suddenly Quatre grinned. "Excellent!"

A puzzled look appeared on Duo's face. "Excellent?"

"Yeah, now I know, you can't use that trick with me anymore!" The now red head broke out into peals of laughter and Duo looked a little annoyed with himself.

"Shit, here I go sharing things and you go taking advantage of them." But the sparkle was in Duo's eye and Quatre knew he didn't need to take him seriously.

After breakfast Duo stood, frowning in thought.

"Jay?" Quatre needed to fall back into using the other names, if he didn't, he knew he would slip up and they couldn't afford that, there were very few people in the world called Duo who also had fricking long hair.

"What to wear Dee, What to wear!" The taller man was absently fiddling with a strand of hair that he had wrapped around his fingers. "Impact you know! I need to look imposing!"

Thinking for a minute Dee stood silently, before bouncing up from his chair and dragging Duo upstairs. Once in `their' room, he pulled out another pair of white/blue clingy jeans, soft leather boots and a deep blood red shirt. Then he walked over to pull out some of his own clothes, motioning for Jaysha to be quiet until Dee had finished. Pulling out the deep green leather pants, his own blood red shirt and some knee high lace up boots for himself, Dee turned and smiled at his `boyfriend'.

"If these don't make an impression Jay, I don't know what will."

An evil grin spread over Jaysha's face as he grabbed his own set of clothed to start putting them on. Once he was dressed he turned to Dee and hugged him briefly. "Well if this isn't impacting enough then I am sure there are other things we can do to make more of an impact, ne?"

Dee laughed as he walked into the bathroom to get dressed. It was more difficult getting into the skintight leather than he had ever thought it would be, and idly he wondered how Duo seemed to manage to carry the material so easily when he wore it. The stuff always looked like it belonged on him when he wore it.

Knocking on the door for permission to come in, Jaysha walked in and surveyed the result of both of them in the full-length mirror in the bathroom.

"Well Dee?"

Dee grinned mischievously and rubbed his hands together. "Perfect! Just perfect!"

Laughing, they both made their way down to the car. The day was about to get interesting.

#*#

They pulled up outside the building they had been given the information to. Jaysha immediately plastered a perfectly bored look on his face. He had spent the weekend coding the information he had been giving and sending it into the Preventers. Knowing that Zechs would have been working on everything over the weekend and wouldn't have taken a break of any sort, he was fairly sure that the building would now be under surveillance. It was just that he hoped that they didn't do anything too stupid or obvious, but somehow doubted they would; they had been wanting to get this ring for so long, he didn't think they would fuck it up.

Quatre/Dee had already bounced out of the car and was stretching in an entirely seductive manner, when Duo/Jaysha looked over at him. Fighting off a chuckle, Jay thought to himself that his smaller friend was enjoying this little acting stint entirely too much and that Trowa and Wufei would probably be a little surprised when they got the blond back. Having to shut out the niggling little feeling of having no one who loved him, Jaysha concentrated on getting into the role ahead of him and becoming who he was supposed to be.

"Oh Jay…" Expressive jade eyes were staring into onyx. "Get out of the car, lover, no one's going to bite…well at least I'll try not to bite in public."

~shit, Quatre is good at this~ Grunting a little, Jaysha opened his door and got out, slamming the door and flipping on the alarm. As they walked towards the entrance, Jaysha let a small smile spread across his face as he recalled whose parking place he had parked in. They were very early, but Jaysha wanted to get to know his way around a little before Habito decided to show them the place in detail. He wasn't too sure just how much detail the man would consider detail anyway.

Dee was literally bouncing along in front of the longhaired man. Jaysha in turn simply looked extremely bored and as if he was there completely against his better judgment. Spying the man that had accompanied Habito when they had met him for lunch, Dee bounced over to the man and leant over the desk he was at, letting the shirt fall open to reveal a nice porcelain expanse of well-defined chest. The man at the desk gulped and looked up into jade eyes that just oozed sex appeal.

Choking back the laugh that was threatening to escape his throat, Duo quickly got himself back into character. Jaysha growled low in his throat and walked over to the desk, prying his `boyfriends' body up from the desk and pushing it against his own; the hand on his backside making sure that there was no air in between them. The poor unfortunate man who had been on the receiving end of Dee's little act, received an amazing death glare that would have done Heero proud.

"Office!" was all that Jaysha managed to growl out.

A squeal of laughter was heard from Dee's throat as he whispered huskily. "I love it when you get so possessive Jay." And began to lay little butterfly kisses on his `boyfriends' neck.

The man they had still to get the name of just scrambled from his desk, a little flustered at the display before him. "Um…C..Come this way, p…please." He led them in the way of the office that had been prepared for them.

Meanwhile Jaysha followed behind him, while Dee seemed to be doing his best to get his lover's attention to center solely on him. As they reached the room, Dee disentangled himself from Jaysha's grip and pouted, standing outside the room. "You don't want me anymore?"

Jaysha didn't allow surprise or any other emotion to flicker across his face, and damned that was a hard thing to do. "Dee, we talked about this. I have work to do."

"Not even a little time for playing Jay," Those big jade eyes stared up at him, pleading, wanting. No one would be able to ever resist them fully.

"Fine, maybe a little later, just let me see how much needs doing."

Dee's face lit up like a child who had just gotten the best ever Christmas present. "Ooo good!"

The man that had led them to their office had taken that interlude to flee back to his desk outside Habito's room.

Before entering their office the two spies took in the outlay of the floor they were on, of the cubicles of desks that were to be found outside their office. Both decided that they would talk to some of those people a little later on, though Dee was probably going to have to be the person to do the most of the talking. Quatre's ability as an empathy would come to stand them in good stead.

Once they entered the room, Jaysha brought his face very close to Dee's, as if to kiss him, but instead he just breathed several words. "Remember, you are intelligent, don't blonde routine it too much."

Dee nodded and blushed, pretending that he had just been told something `naughty'. He had almost forgotten, he wasn't just there because he was Jaysha's toy to play with. Dee also had an identity as a hacker.

Leaving their door open, they both started getting set up in the office. Jaysha was not impressed by the equipment. It was no where near good enough to do what they wanted him to do with it, and it was no where near good enough to what he was used to working with.

So it was that when Habito entered their office, he found the two computers that had been in the room, opened up and sitting on the table, while Jaysha fiddled with them and a bundle of energy that was Dee sat on his lap directing his lover with garbled words as he was sucking on a lollypop. The sight had Habito almost drooling, the two men were just too much for him to take in at once. But somehow he knew was going to have to get used to it, somehow he was going to have to deal for as long as it took to rebuild GHD.

Lazily Jaysha raised his head and looked at the man standing in the doorway.

"Yes?"

Snapping out of his reverie, Habito pulled a stern look over his face. "You do realize you parked in my spot, don't you?"

Jaysha shrugged. "I didn't want to walk. You need the exercise old man, not me." He turned back to his tinkering, while Habito practiced his guppy impersonation.

Dee was bouncing up and down on his lovers lap, giggling as he pinned Habito with an intense mirthful gaze. Absently Jaysha moved a hand to steady Dee. "Don't, Dee, need to get this just right." Sufficiently chastised, Dee stopped bouncing, but continued to pin Habito with that gaze.

Finally managing to tear himself away from the jade orbs, Habito cleared his throat to get Jaysha's attention again. Almost irritably the young man looked up at him, his black eyes seeming to flash, as that hair swished when he moved his head. "What, old man?"

Again Habito had to swallow his pride and disregard the remark. He kept reminding himself that he needed Jaysha badly; well, that and the fact that the man was that gorgeous. He was fairly sure he could let anything slide. "Why are you picking those computers apart…they are less than 6 months old."

Jaysha just looked at the older man, as if deciding whether he really believed what he was saying, or if he really was that stupid. Finally deciding it was both, he grunted to Dee. "You explain. I'm busy."

Delighted to have permission to speak and be loud once again Dee attacked the task with a gusto. "Well, you see, computers as they come on the market for the average consumer are…shall we say, not something that people like us would ever buy. " Hopping up off Jaysha's lap, he continued, walking slowly towards Habito, hips swinging seductively. "You see, by the time they come on the market for the common man, they are already obsolete for people like us. At the moment Jay-baby is trying to make something reasonable for us to use out of the two pieces of crap that you have given us. It's hard but it's doable. We will have a list for you of things we need you to acquire so that we can actually complete the work that it is you want us to do. And no, don't even think it, there is no way we are bringing our own machines here. It would be sacrilege to take them out of the home they are so comfortable in." He crunched down on the lollypop in his mouth, finishing it off and making Habito flinch. "Machines have feelings too, ya know!" With that he turned around and began to assist his lover once more. Both of them very obviously dismissing Habito, who really didn't know how to handle it, so he just left them alone.

#*#

That night the two friends could hardly eat for the amount of laughing that they were doing.

Duo had tears running down his face. "Machines have feelings too!!!" Peals of laughter issued from his mouth once more. "Did you… Did you see his face?"

Quatre couldn't even get free from laughing long enough to answer. "Ommmm hmmm" was about all he could manage before it became too much for him and he started laughing again.

"And the list…Did you really give it to him Cat?"

All Quatre could do was laugh, which in turn sent Duo off into gales of laughter.

This went on for quite some time before both young men were finally able to take control of themselves once again. Quatre wiped the tears away from his eyes. "Duo, am I doing ok? Am I over doing it?"

Duo looked at him quizzically. "You're doing great Cat! How do you mean overdoing it?"

The smaller man looked a little flustered. "You know, the boyfriend thing…"

"Oh Q, no way, that's exactly what I would have been like, you know that!"

The slightly altered cherub face of his friend brightened considerably. "Oh good, I was a little worried. I'll start with the other staff tomorrow ok? I hope it goes ok…"

A frown appeared on Duo's face as he realized that his best friend sounded a little doubtful of his own abilities. "Come on Cat, you know you can do it, you have to be the nicest person in the world that I know, everyone likes you. It'll be easy for you to get people to talk to you."

"You think?"

"Of course Cat, do you have any idea how much I envy you?"

"Envy me?"

Great now it was time to bite the bullet. Taking a deep breath Duo began. "You have this nature that lets you calm people, love people and well be all round liked. You are always so nice and so good, I just wish I was like that."

A shadowed look passed over Quatre's face, giving his eyes a haunted, sad look. "I'm really not that nice Duo."

"How do you mean?"

Quatre sighed a little and shrugged, as if to get his shoulders a little looser. "You remember when I…um kind of lost it when I used the Zero system the first time, ne?"

Duo remembered that the thought of Quatre losing it like he was told he did, had almost sent him into a state of shock and so he nodded his head.

"Yeah, well, that was me out of control." The red head looked at his friend expectantly, hoping that that had been enough to explain. However seeing the puzzled look on Duo's face, he realized he would have to elaborate.

"I am nice to people because I want to be. I am kind and helpful because I do not like to hurt people. And I want everyone we are sent to kill or to annihilate, to give themselves up freely so we do not need to kill them ourselves, purely for the matter of fact that I do not like to kill people. I do not like to play god and take a person's life. However, Duo, just because I do not like to do it and do everything to discourage hurting people that I possibly can, does not mean that I cannot do it myself. In fact, I find it far too easy. Therefore I keep myself under and extremely tight control." Duo's face looked a little pale underneath the tan and Quatre pressed to explain a little more.

"Don't get me wrong Duo, I love people and I hate taking life or causing pain needlessly, but I am just as capable of it as any of you other pilots ever were. I scare myself sometimes, and therefore I exert that control. I lost it when I first used the Zero system, and I almost lost it that time I lectured Une. I lose it very rarely, but sometimes I do."

Sorting through everything he had just been told Duo attempted to rationalize it. "So, you use a mask?"

"No, actually, the me you see, is the me I am. It's just I don't let my um…uncontrollable side out of control, cause it gets too nasty and then I usually feel like shit."

Duo smiled, seeing a light he thought his best friend didn't. "Ahh but Cat, you are nice. In fact you're even nicer than I originally thought! Makes me even more envious."

At Quatre's stumped face, Duo allowed himself to laugh a little before elaborating. "You know yourself well enough to control that side of you, to stop yourself from hurting others as often as possible. You are even nicer because of that, even more caring than you realize." Impulsively he leant forward and hugged his friend, before stretching, yawning and heading off to bed.

Quatre just continued to look after his friend thoughtfully, speaking softly as if to himself. "And you Duo Maxwell, are not as simple as you let others believe."

#*#

The next morning Jaysha and Dee again sashayed into the office. Jaysha simply caused people to stare with hidden longing after him, while Dee's bubbliness and obviously flirtatious personality caused some non-concealed winks and gestures that were met with a growl and a death glare from Jaysha. As they entered their office Jaysha managed to hide his surprise at the fact that it seemed all the supplies he had asked for were sitting on the desk. Dee on the other hand bounced around them, exclaiming left right and center over the things that had received.

Habito had arrived earlier that morning, thought still not early enough to beat Jaysha and Dee to his parking spot. Standing in the doorway once more he had Jaysha's back to him, able to see how those almost white ripped jeans clung suggestively to his almost gaunt frame and the deep purple shirt he had on didn't help the older man's predicament one bit. He had always had a soft spot for good-looking young men and the two specimens in front of him were amazing. Raising his gaze from where it rested on Jaysha's butt, he looked at Dee. The red head was dressed fully in black. Black leather pants with knee high fuck me boots on and a black silk shirt that was halfway undone. The choker topped helped top it off, but it was the touch of black the man had at the edge of each eye that completed the look. For some reason Habito felt frustrated. He knew that the way these two looked had helped him seal his decision to hire them. And he couldn't touch either of them, and to top it off, they gave him no respect whatsoever. Gritting his teeth a little he repeated over and over to himself that at the moment there was no one but these two who could help him. So engrossed was he in his thoughts that he almost failed to hear that Jaysha was speaking to him.

Having felt eyes studying his rear, Jaysha had become aware that the man was in the room. Feeling the gaze shift to Dee and remain there for a little too long, the man issued his habitual growl.

"Had a good enough look yet?"

Habito was startled a little out of his reverie. A shiver ran over his spine, there was just something about that man that made the ex-general a little wary. He reminded him of something…a cat ready to pounce…it was eerie. Regaining his composure quickly Habito cleared his throat, ignoring the insolent question. "I see you got everything that we ordered yesterday."

Holding the ex-general's gaze with his black eyes, Jaysha finally just nodded and started sorting through the piles.

Dee on the other hand bounced. "Oh yes, we got everything we need. Now we just need to create our little babies!" His green eyes sparkled and the office halogen's played with the blood red, highlighting his hair. That hair looked so soft, it just made Habito want to touch it, not to mention that black sheet of the taller man's.

Coughing to clear his head of such distracting thoughts Habito looked at Dee. "Black today? Someone die?"

Jaysha grunted and Dee laughed a silvery bell like laugh that didn't appear to be quite sane. "Oh no, at least not yet."

"Not yet?" Habito looked confused.

"No, not yet. Jay promised he'll kill people who looked at me sideways…well if they looked at me for too long anyway." Walking over to his lover he looped his arms around his waist lovingly. "It's a deal we have from way back. I'm allowed to tempt, aren't I love?"

"Hn."

"Yeah, I know Jay, as long as no one gives into temptation."

Habito blanched a little, he could see a few people in the office having a very, very, hard time not giving into temptation.

Straightening up, Jaysha stretched and glanced over to see Habito watching him. "A list would be a great idea." The voice was mildly sarcastic.

"Yes, I have the beginnings of what we need done planned out here." The older man was glad to have something to get his mind off the men in front of him. He handed the plans to Jaysha who skimmed over them and then looked at him quizzically.

"You do realize who you have hired, don't you?"

Shrugging, Habito couldn't understand why the question had been asked. "We hired the best because we need the best possible system that can be designed."

Jaysha nodded and then tapped the pages. "What you have here had better just be the start…Dee could complete this in his sleep."

"You think this is too simple?" Habito was a little surprised, it had taken them three months work to come up with what Jaysha was holding in his hands.

Jaysha actually let out a sigh of frustration. "Like I said, I will give you what you want, but I will do it in my way, and work at my pace. What you have here is only slightly better than how you coded the email to render my services. It is almost archaic. I will need all information on all of your systems and their sub directories in order to give you the security system that you need."

"All our systems?"

"Yes, all your systems. That means, any system that runs off the main hub, or to the main hub at any given time; any system that has any contact at all with the hub, including those of organizations that are simply friendly with yours. I need to give them authorization codes. I need access to all of your files to do this, and if you don't feel like giving me them I can hack them, believe me, it'll be more fun for me that way, but take more time, and you are paying me."

Habito seemed to mull all of it out in his mind. "Yes, done, I will get them all to you. Will you give me an outline of what will be done once you have come up with what we need, I mean before implementing it?"

Jaysha managed to stop himself from scoffing at the man. "Of course. You are the employer after all." His voice was almost mocking.

Again Habito barely managed to ignore that comment. "And the accounts that we need hacked?"

"Bring them to me, let me take a look. Dee is going to be bored if I don't give him something to do, and he is almost as good as me, he just doesn't take it seriously unless we're getting paid."

Letting his glance wander over to Dee, Habito allowed himself to look a little skeptical. "You can do that?"

All traces of laughter left Dee's face for a moment, giving the man an entirely older and more dangerous look; so much in fact that Habito took an involuntary step backwards. He blinked as Dee began to smile again, wondering if he had actually just been seeing things.

Walking up to Habito, Dee had somehow miraculously managed to materialize another lollypop, and was sucking on it for all he was worth. Voice soft, husky and yet somehow deadly serious he spoke to the ex-general. "Oh I can do a lot of things Habito, I am multi-talented after all, I just get bored easily." An evil looking smile flitted quickly across the beautiful face, before it was gone again. "Oh, say you trust me."

Not quite knowing what else he could do, the older man answered. "Of course I trust you, I trust you both to do the job we hired you for."

Dee clapped his hands together, bouncing like a child with the lollypop still in his mouth. Settling down a little he pulled the lollypop from his mouth and cocked his head to one side, looking at Habito thoughtfully. "Cross your heart and hope to die?"

Remembering the old children's promise Habito laughed a little. "Cross my heart and hope to die." Turning on his heal he walked to his own office, as a cold shiver spread its way down his spine.

As the man left the room Dee closed the door behind him and looked over to see Jaysha gazing at the door thoughtfully.

"That is one wish within my power to grant."

The voice of his `boyfriend' was so soft that Dee was almost unsure he heard it… almost.

#*#

Over the next few days Jaysha worked on the security system from hell. So tight that it was almost akin to Fort Knox, with the little exception of the back door he left for himself and the time bomb lying latent within, that he could ignite at any moment he so chose.

While Jaysha completed that assignment, Dee flitted around the office getting to know the other employees and finding anything and everything that could be used to tarnish GHD and Habito. Though the offices where they were, were not officially GHD, since Habito technically had no connection with them, and the other employees actually had no idea that they worked for GHD, the information was still usable and extremely usefull.

After a week Jaysha took himself and the plans he had devised and went to visit Habito's office. Repeating to himself over and over that he had to stay in character was probably the only thing that helped prolong Habito's lifespan.

Being typical Jaysha, he opened the door without knocking first, and walked in, interrupting Habito on the phone. The glare that Habito shot the man had little effect on him and he simply waited, impatiently tapping his foot as the other man hurried and finished his phone call.

As soon as he hung up Jaysha tossed the outline onto the desk and pulled up a chair that was seated in front of Habito's desk. He straddled it, leaning forward so that the wave of hair that he had chosen to wear loose that day, cascaded over his shoulders.

Barely able to tear his eyes away from the hair, the man sitting at the desk picked up the report and looked at the long haired man questioningly.

"That is your security system. Say yes and I start this afternoon." He seemed to rethink that thought. "Actually I am going to go home early. Say yes and I start first thing in the morning."

Habito, having gotten used to the way Jaysha worked by then, simply nodded and began looking through the plan. He usually prided himself in knowing a fair bit about computers. Ok, so not to the extent that someone of Jaysha's reputation would, but he was pretty good with them. Even so, the plan in front of him was almost gibberish to him. Although he could see a few things and understand a few more, the main body of it baffled him. All he had to admit was, that the man he had hired seemed to know exactly what to do.

The man currently being thought about was getting decidedly bored. Exasperated, he broke the silence. "Look old man, it's impregnable, except by me. It's like the Fort Knox of security systems. Just nod so I can go home. I have been neglecting Dee and that is not good for my concentration."

Habito, having suddenly gotten a very vivid image of Jay not neglecting Dee, almost blushed and simply nodded.

Jaysha stood up and almost went to leave when he remembered something and turned back around, leaning a hand upon the desk. "Oh and you need to get those files and systems accesses to me by tomorrow or I will have Dee hack what I need for me." As he went to push himself away from the desk, he found Habito's hand wrapped around his wrist.

Very slowly Jaysha let his eyes travel from the hand gripping his wrist up to the eyes of the man holding him. There was an angry fire in those black eyes, a slight glint of insanity that made Habito gulp, but he barreled ahead anyway, not letting go of the younger man's arm. "If Dee should ever not be enough…" He left the sentence hanging, not quite able to believe that he had actually had the nerve to say it.

The look on Jaysha's face barely changed, though it became a slight bit more dangerous if that was possible. "There is only one person who is allowed to touch me, old man. And you are not he." With a sharp shake of his wrist Jaysha rid himself of the unwanted grip, the glare from his eyes giving new meaning to the adage: if looks could kill. Rubbing that spot that had been touched absently with the other hand, his eyes still locked with those of Habito, he leaned forward allowing his breath to caress the other man's face. "Dee is the one thing I can never get enough of. What you suggest is a pure impossibility." His voice changed a little, making it evident that the man was sneering. "You are not my type, and you are definitely not Dee's type. My job does not include you." Straightening, Jaysha still kept his eyes locked with those of Habito's, absently noticing the red of the man's face.

Backing up, still keeping the gaze locked Jaysha suddenly smirked. "Maybe I'll be nice though, and give you a video." Abruptly he laughed an empty laugh and exited the room leaving a very shaken ex-general sitting at his desk, feeling that for some reason, he was very lucky to be alive.

Jaysha walked through the office to reach the one he and Dee shares, slowly becoming Duo again. He couldn't stop it, he couldn't stay in character, and it wasn't working anymore. As soon as he entered Dee was on his feet. He could see it; he knew something was wrong. Through clenched teeth, Duo grated out what he needed to say, holding out the keys to Quatre, while fighting off the sobs he knew would soon wrack his body. He could feel it building up inside him again. "You…Drive…"

Not waiting for any other orders, Quatre linked himself around Duo and put himself back into Dee mode to exit the office. Somehow Duo managed to slip the mask of indifference back over his face for long enough so that they could make it to the car.

As soon as they got in the car, Quatre started it up, all the while chirping about being able to drive the machine. At least until they exited the company grounds. That was as long as Duo could hold out. A cry of pain erupted from his lips as he lost his fight. Spasms of pain ripped through his body as he tried to stop the well of emotion that burst forth. For most of the drive he was lost in his own little world of pain and confusion, trying to drive out the blood lust that had over taken him…the violence that didn't want to let him go.

It was all Quatre could do to keep the car on the road when the wave of emotion tore through Duo. Clamping down the barriers on his senses he looked over at his friend in awe. How the hell, had Duo managed to keep feelings like that under wraps for so long? How the hell had he managed it when he didn't have any formal training in how to project or close off feelings? With sudden insight, Quatre realized that his best friend had been going through hell and had not wanted anyone else to have the burden of taking care of him. That slowly but surely, Duo had been losing the battle; because it was a battle he couldn't win on his own. He needed someone to chase those emotions away, to make him realize that there was more to his existence than he thought. Heero had been the person who had played the part of the plug prior to the storm before, and now Duo had no one. It made Quatre almost feel ashamed; that he, Trowa and Wufei had so much and Duo had had everything ripped away from him. The fact that Duo loved his friends enough to not want to burden them, didn't make the feelings running through Quatre any more bearable, instead they made it worse. Looking over at his friend, who was huddled in his seat as sobs wracked his thin frame, he felt a surge of protection run through him. There was no way he was going to let Duo deal with this shit alone. "It's ok Duo, I'm here, we're here, and you're part of our family." The words didn't register with their target, but Quatre felt a little better for having said them.

Suddenly the onslaught passed and Duo sat up, eyes open, slightly vacant. His mind was set, his nerves on fire, he needed, needed so badly.

Quatre was just about to pull into their street. "Duo, you feeling any better?"

A smile lit the other man's face, making Quatre frown a little. "Yeah Cat, much better now. Thanks for driving."

Quatre just nodded as he began to pull into their driveway.

"Hey Cat, I need to take a shower, badly. You can park the car, ne?"

Quatre just nodded, wondering why he had a shiver run over his back when Duo mentioned taking a shower.

As soon as the car stopped Duo vaulted out of it, stopping only briefly to unlock the door to the townhouse before disappearing inside.

Quatre shook his head to clear it of the strange feeling he had inside and parked the car.

#*#

Duo swiped a knife from the kitchen on his way upstairs. Once entering the bathroom he stripped his clothes off, not caring about his hair, all he cared about was what he needed to feel; was that he needed to feel. His whole body felt numb as he began running the shower, turning the water on hot and only adding a little cold to temper it. The feeling of needing to get the dirt off of his skin overwhelmed him as he climbed into the shower, collapsing to the floor and brining his knees up to his chest. He felt cold, and reasoned that the water was therefore too cold, he turned the cold completely off, sighing in relief as the heat enveloped him. Placing the knife down on the tiles he began to scrub his skin.

Muttering under his breath all the while: "Get it off, get it off, get it off!" He especially attacked the wrist that Habito had touched… desperately trying to get the feel of the man he needed to kill off his skin. As he continued to apply pressure while scrubbing, it was in no time at all that he started to graze his skin, the brush he was using had semi-harsh bristles, but it wasn't until he saw some blood spots peer through the skin that he started to feel like he was clean. Black ran in rivulets down his back and down the drain, mingling with the slight pinkish cast that the water had to it. Dropping the brush he had used for his skin, Duo's gaze fell on the knife and a cold edge overcame him again; he shivered.

He needed to get the rest of the dirt out of his skin. It was off his skin, but not out of it. He needed to bleed for that. He needed to feel. Not feeling made him feel guilty; made him feel guilty for not having kept his promise; made him feel guilty that Habito was still alive even after everything he had done.

Taking the knife in his right hand he stabbed it into his left thigh, vaguely hearing a muffled cry of pain that he somehow knew was his own. Once the feeling retreated again he began to twist the knife, around and around, creating a hole. He could feel, granted it was pain, but it was a release, he could feel again…and the tears ran down his face, mingling with the blood and dye.

Quatre had parked the car and then decided to make something to eat. He was a little worried about Duo, but didn't know if it was wise to interrupt him in case his premonition was wrong. It wasn't until he heard a muffled cry of pain that the red head threw his reserves to the wind and bounded up the stairs to the bathroom, once again finding the door locked. This time he didn't even bother to knock. The closer he had come to Duo, the more he had felt. His friend was making himself feel, the feelings weren't under wraps anymore, they were wild and confusing and…Quatre paled… almost insane in their intensity.

Again the room was filled with steam clouds, but the sound of the sobs drew Quatre to the shower. As he looked at the scene in the shower, he was appalled with himself for not coming up sooner, while the other part of his mind reeled in horror at what his best friend was doing to himself. Ignoring the pain the boiling water caused him, Quatre pushed into the shower enough to stop the water, before kneeling down next to Duo and taking the man's hands into his own, gently. Surveying the damage Duo had caused to himself, his friend had to distance observations lest he start crying at the sight of the bronzed man. His chest, arms and legs, especially one wrist were covered in what looked like gravel grazes, which Quatre could only surmise came from scrubbing at his skin. As his eyes fell on his friends' thighs he barely managed to swallow the gasp that rose in his throat. Blood poured from a hole in his leg. Literally a hole. ~shit, I am going to have to stitch it up~

Softly he called his friends name as he pried the knife from Duo's limp fingers. "Duo…"

Glazed eyes raised to meet jade ones, the loss of blood from the leg wound becoming apparent, as Duo had also not had much to eat in the last few days. "H… Heero?"

Quatre's heart clenched for his friend.

"No Duo… it's me… Quatre"

Tears misted in Duo's eyes, as realization hit him, Heero was dead, how could he forget that. "I … Cat…I…"

"Shhhh Duo, it's ok…really." Quatre left the shower for a second to grab a hand towel to staunch the bleeding from Duo's leg wound. For a moment his gaze lingered on the amazingly detailed renditions of Wing and Sycthe on his friends hips and Quatre found himself wishing he could take some of that pain away.

Gathering Duo in his arms once more, he carried the man into the bedroom and laid him out on the luckily black sheets. As Quatre tended his wounds, Duo simply gazed at the ceiling, not quite able to focus on anything at all, not quite wanting to. He simply wanted to fade into oblivion; he was a failure, a liar and a cheater. He realized that Quatre was speaking to him. With an effort he focused his gaze on the green eyes that were looking at him in concern. "Sorry Cat, I…didn't…" He sighed, it was getting hard to think.

"I just wanted you to know, you're part of our family Duo, we love you. You can talk to me about anything, I will always be here for you."

Tears welled in Duo's eyes as he heard those famous last words. "Don't say that Cat… least of all to me, you'll die too!"

"Naa Duo, `Fei and Trow wouldn't let me." A gentle smile spread across Quatre's face as he looked fondly down at his best friend. "And Duo…"

"What?" The voice was soft but mildly curious.

"I don't plan on letting you die either."

Once again a tear slid down Duo's cheek. "But I need to Cat. I don't deserve to live. I lie, I cheat and I am a failure…"

"Why do you say that Duo? The Duo Maxwell I know is one of the most amazing people I have ever met."

Duo attempted a joke, which fell rather flat. "Really, where is he?" Instead of his voice coming out joking, it instead sounded pleading and confused, as if he had lost himself.

"Right here Duo, talk to me; tell me what's wrong…please…"

"You don't want to know."

"Yes, I believe I do."

"You'll regret it."

"I don't believe I will."

So many thoughts found themselves running through Duo's head. Could he tell Quatre, or would that endanger his friend as well. But on the other hand, if he didn't tell Quatre, was he going to lose it completely; did he really need to let it out somehow? Maybe telling Quatre was the only safe way he could actually let it out.

"Fine." Duo sighed and took a deep shaking breath. "Heero always promised he wouldn't hurt me deliberately, that he would always be here for me. We both promised we would be the only ones ever for each other. And I promised, that if he died, I would kill the person responsible in the most painful way possible the next time I encountered them."

Quatre just nodded to show he was listening; he was not about to chance interrupting his friend.

"But I lied Cat, I broke promises, all of them. I had sex with Zechs, and Habito is still alive."

Quatre fought to keep his face impassive. Sex with Zechs. That was a tidbit of news he hadn't expected, but he realized that Duo had probably needed a little tension relief. It was the Habito thing that was really bothering Duo, he could tell, so he honed in on it. "Duo we need Habito. If we don't keep him alive, we don't completely annihilate the GHD organization."

Duo was frustrated as hell; he knew all that. "I know all that Cat. But I promised I would kill him. And I was fine until I talked to him today and I would have been fine…but…but…" His eyes fell on the wrist that was bandaged.

Quatre caught the glance and pushed a little. "But what Duo?"

The voice that answered him was so soft it was almost a whisper. "He touched me…that bastard took a hold of my arm and touched me."

It explained a lot to Quatre; the way Duo had barely even made it to the car, the way he had broken down. It was just too much for him to handle with everything else that he had been keeping bottled up.

"Why did you do it Duo?"

Duo couldn't pretend not to know what Quatre was asking him, but he felt so ashamed that he lowered his voice again, so Cat had to strain to hear him. "Dirt Cat, so dirty, he touched me. I needed to get it off, to get it out, I needed to see blood, even if it's my own. I was numb; I needed to feel. Pain may be pain, but it makes me feel. I hate not feeling." He closed his eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted, only opening them halfway when Quatre spoke.

"Next time you need to feel, come to me. Next time you need to let something out, come to me, you can't keep bottling things up. Next time you need anything come to me Duo, that's what I am here for." He rose to let his friend sleep, but stopped, remembering something. "And no more knives Duo, none! I am going downstairs to let you sleep and will bring you food up in a while. We will re-dye your hair once you have regained some energy. Don't you ever scare me like that again." With that he left Duo to sleep.

Despite himself, sleep didn't take long to claim Duo. And his last thought, was for the first time in a very long time a nicer one, that he had an excellent best friend.

#*#

The next day, found Jaysha and Dee in action again. There were so many files for them to sort through and sift through for the information that they needed; so many systems for them to use for just that information. Habito didn't bother them as a general rule after the words Jaysha had spoken with him that day he had dared to touch the man. Once a week if at all, he checked on their progress.

Time passed. Communications between the two undercover operatives and their headquarters went flawlessly day-to-day.

Duo found himself giving into his depression a lot less than he had when he had kept everything to himself. The bonding experience with Quatre was one he was glad he got to have, but at the same time, he was a little sad that he would have to give his best friend back to his lovers very soon. They were getting to the point in time where the stage would be set.

Quatre realized how little of a best friend he had originally been for Duo, and was determined to make it up to the man. Their long talks keyed him into the enigma that was the real Duo Maxwell and he found himself oddly proud of knowing the man. He also recognized the fact, that he was glad he had been put on this mission with Duo, if it had been anyone else, he would have gone insane with the amount he missed his two lovers.

#*#

One night, about six months after they had begun the infiltration, Duo slammed his hands down on the keyboard, and grinned triumphantly.

Quatre looked up from where he was tracing a link back to its source. "Duo?"

"Got them Cat, perfectly…fits like a glove."

A smile slid over Cat's face. It meant they were going home soon. "When?"

"Hmmm." Duo seemed to think, and run calculations through his mind. "Probably Monday."

Quatre grimaced a little. "That means another eye injection ne?"

Duo grinned an evil, conspiratorial little grin. "No actually, I'm going to leave mine, I want the real color to be leaking back through."

The red head looked at his friend quizzically. "Might one ask why?"

The evil grin spread wider on Duo's face. "Oh yes Q-man you may. The answer to why is: that bastard is going to know who destroyed him."

"And then what are you going to do Duo?" He had to ask, even though he was fairly sure he knew the answer.

"And then Cat? He is going to die." The voice was so calm, collected and deadly that it sent a shiver up Quatre's spine.

~~**~~

To be Continued

Well there we have it, yet another chapter… basically the rest of the story unfolds in the next few. I already have them all planned out, just need to write them and then inflict them on my poor beta. Please tell me what you think so far, I love hearing feedback.

~Arith