Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Something I Can Never Have ❯ One-Shot

*I still recall the taste of my tears…echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears*

I am not beyond tears.

Duo showed me this.

However, there is comfort in knowing that there will be numbness after the pain. I repeat these words to myself as my mantra, pre-occupying my mind with them instead of the chaos that would reign there otherwise. Had I expected things to end in a way other than how they did? Did I try to change the inevitable? Was I asking for too much…something I could never have? You may very well wonder these things. Let me see if I can explain…

Soon after the war ended, to everyone's surprise, including my own, Quatre and Wufei became inseparable. It had been thought by all that Heero and Duo were also an item, but quite out of the blue Heero went to Earth to be with Relena, and Duo rarely spoke of what had happened between them. So maybe it was purely by circumstance that Duo and I ended up together. Whatever it was, I found myself heartbreakingly in love with him. Never before had I felt like this, not even with Quatre. Duo brought out things in me I didn't know existed. He built in me a sense of security, and for the first time in my life, I told another human being that I loved them. And I meant it with every breath I took.

*You always were the one to show me how. Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.*

Now, no one would ever consider me to be the sappy type, and indeed, I'm not one to spout off silly pet names or the like. But what I felt for Duo, I felt with a deep passion. I had no doubts, just pure, unconditional love. It occurred to me that this was the person I could see myself spending my whole life with.

*My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore. Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep…anymore*

Duo is the kind of person who gives of himself freely, and gives his all. I was in silent awe of him, amazed that a person could be so open and honest…could give to another so easily, without hesitation. These were all the things I wanted to give to him, also, but found hard to do as it is not my nature to let myself be so exposed. But for him I tried. He roused in me the deluded poet I will never be; so it was the profound words of others that tumbled through my head, often to wind up on a slip of paper that I would leave on the bed for him to find when he woke.

"The total night in myself raves for the light along your lips." Or once…"Forgive me if I cannot turn away from those sweet eyes that are my earthly heaven." There was one that was my favorite…one I would sometimes find myself thinking, while simply looking at him. "The one who remains beautiful…unexplained." Those few words said it all.

As much as these things truly pleased him and brought him happiness, I think in the end it was not enough.

*This thing is slowly taking me apart. Grey would be the color…if I had a heart*

Duo got a message from Heero saying that he'd left Relena and wanted Duo back. I watched silently as Duo stood and walked away from the vid screen without saying a word. For days he was distant, deep in thought, rarely eating or sleeping. Finally I approached him, tentatively calling his name. He looked up absently at first, then focused on me with a look that seemed half filled with guilt, half apologetic. I had my suspicions at that moment…but asked anyway.

"What is it that you want?"

"I don't know," he said, sorrow filling his soft voice. "I don't know what I want." His gaze dropped down to his hands and remained there.

*Come on tell me. You make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing…and I'm starting to scare myself*

It was then I knew he was gone. Without physically leaving, he was gone. He had been with me with the best of intentions, I knew. His love for me had been real, and it was obvious it had never occurred to him that Heero would ever be a factor in this aspect of his life again. There was nothing I could do, but turn and walk away, leaving him to whatever decision he came to; hoping it would be me...knowing deep down that it would not. So yes…I want something I can never have.

*I still recall the taste of my tears…echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears. I just want something…I just want something I can never have*

The End

~**~***~**~

"The total night in myself raves for the light along your lips." -- Love Song by A.R. Ammons

"Forgive me if I cannot turn away from those sweet eyes that are my earthly heaven." -- The Might of One, Fair Face by Michelangelo

"The one who remains beautiful…unexplained." -- Sometimes In Winter by Marc Cohen