Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Sometimes I Wonder ❯ Sometimes I Wonder ( Prologue )

I wonder sometimes, are they real?

I know it absurd, idiotic, stupid, dumb but I can't help it.

Sometimes I wonder, are they real? Is there a chance at all that I will be able to meet them in real life? Can I, is there, could there ever be a chance that I could reach out to touch one of them and be met with flesh? Skin? Not plastic or paper or a screen.

Real actual genuine flesh.

Are they real?

Not they, him.

Him.

Him, the one I look up from my bed and see the face of. Him the one I find my hand being block from, him the one I feel that holds my heart.

Him that is not real.

Yet, I don't deny it when my friends tease that I prefer him to any other guy on the earth.

Because I can't.

Because that would be lying.

Yet, why I have to ask myself don't I just deny it? I have no problem with lying when it would hurt nobody and yet I can't get myself to say no. I can't even seem to joke about it that much, the words come and are ready to be spoken as retorts, but they never make it past my lips. Never.

Why is that? What blocks me from voicing those words? Is there something wrong with me? It would hurt no one to have them said.

It hurts you.

Yes, yes it does. Its like having a crush on someone, you can't seem to be able to deny it and when you speak badly of the person, you feel guilt, because you do not really know them.

Yet I cannot forlorn me having a simple 'crush' on him. There is too much depth, too much pain and too little happiness in his life to allow something as petty and shallow as someone only having a crush on him.

And yet that is what the female character chosen for him feels. A crush, a momentary liking, a superficial untrained tonal of romantic feelings reaching out.

Absurd! He deserves more then that. He deserves patience, understanding, care and someone that will be there for him in the long run. He doesn't deserve an insincere broach of affection that will be gone just as fast as it comes; he deserves love.

But I can't be in love with him can I? I'm only a teenager for god sakes! But what I feel, it feels too deep for a simple crush, but not enough for love.

Right?

I've never been in love before so I can't say whether or not I am in love.

...And I can't seem to decide if I want myself to be or not...

No, no I don't, do I? They're not real, there's no chance that I will ever meet and greet any of them for real, so I don't. I don't.

I have more then a crush on him but I am not in love with him, I simply care.

I care.

I care for him, and I'll leave it at that.

I care for him but there will never be a chance for him to even meet me, hell even if he meets me what's to say he'll even like me? I mean I could meet him and he could likely hate me!

...

...But just to be able to meet him, heck to be able to see him walk down the street would be more than I could ever hope for! But there is no chance of that: they do not exist, except on paper and on television. There is no possibility of it ever happening!

But you care for him.

And sometimes I wonder, are they real?

Hiaosbi: Should I continue this?