Well its taken me forever and a day to get this chapter done and finished. Sorry about the wait, but apart from work being hell I have also been working very hard on my huggle and my website. Feel free to take a peek. www.goldenyaoihuggle.com It's a collective of our page and a couple of dear dear friends. It has all of our fan fictions and a hell of a lot of doujinshi's that were gifted to us by a dear friend. Of course its still under construction, but it's getting there.

Again if you have not read Someway Back, this will probably make no sense at all, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Disclaimer : Don't own em yada yada, wish I did, because then the series would have been more yaoi orientated. Don't sue, I don't own anything except two chinchillas and three rats and they'll probably bite you hehe

#*# = scene change

~ words in direct thought to oneself

~#~ Flashback

~~**~~ end of chapter

Somewhere I belong: Old Habits Die Hard

The knife. His eyes closed briefly as an amazing calm seemed to close over him. Release, that was what he needed, a way to get rid of all the ache and all the pain that was running through his mind, heart and body at that point in time. Bleed it out, make it wash away, down the drain and out of his life and help him focus again.

In a trancelike state Duo reached for and grabbed the knife… never taking his eyes off it, he headed up the stairs to the bathroom. Somehow it felt as if he wasn't in charge of his own movements anymore; as if his body was acting of it's own accord. And he felt completely at ease, completely content and completely at peace as he watched himself weigh the knife in his hand, a frown on his face as he entered the bathroom. Managing to strip his clothes off while still holding the knife, he reached into the shower and turned the hot water tap all the way on, not registering the blistering heat on his skin.

Head cocked to one side as if in contemplation, he adjusted the cold tap a little as an afterthought, though the difference was probably only noticeable to himself; and he entered the shower.

An involuntary sigh escaped his throat as the almost boiling water hit his skin. Tears ran down his cheeks unnoticed to mix with the rest of the water, as he fell to his knees. Words flowed out of his mouth, almost drowned out by the rush from the shower, as his eyes fixated on the blade he slowly brought down to his leg.

"Not ready, not yet, too soon, need release, not ready, not yet, too soon, need release." The litany fell from his lips over and over again.

And he bored. Tip facing down into his leg, he applied pressure and began to twist, breaking the skin easily, drawing blood. As the red liquid began to mingle with the clear, a pained but relieved sigh escaped his lips and he briefly closed his eyes.

Only to snap them wide open as reality ripped him from his spectator's position and plummeted him back inside his body.

A scream tore from his throat as he stumbled back from the flow of water, trying to escape the heat of the water he literally crashed through the shower screen, not noticing as the shattered glass bit into his pale skin.

Tremors began wracking his body as he rolled to his side and emptied his stomach of bile. Dry heaves made his slender frame shudder and as they finally left him, he was exhausted. Pushing himself to his feet he swayed, numb body not registering the glass imbedding itself into his skin. A string of curses escaped his lips as he had to stop at the bathroom door to brace himself and gain some balance. Grabbing at a towel next to the door he weaved to his bedroom, mindless of the blood running down his body. As he reached the bedroom he took two steps before he stumbled to his knees as he reached the vid phone next to the bed.

Shaking hands reached for the receiver button and it took him three attempts to hit the right quick dial button.

The vid phone flickered on, and Duo raised his eyes wearily to meet the person who picked it up.

The voice flickered over the system as the picture emerged. "Hello, Winner resid…Duo?" Quatre's cheerful voice faltered a little.

"Hey Cat-man I…" Duo's voice hitched as the pain started to register and sent fire along his nerve endings.

Panic entered Quatre's voice as he spoke. "Duo, what… are you alright?"

Trying to shrug off the pain didn't work anymore and it flitted across his expressive face along with the despair he felt. "I … Heero he, it was too soon Cat … too soon… I, did it again… but stopped… but… help… Cat" The energy was leaving him, he could feel the cold attacking him, wanting to claim him, forcing his eyes to start closing. "Help," The strength left him completely as he slumped forward and lost consciousness, blood still running sluggishly down his body.

#*#

Quatre didn't wait for his friend's body to hit the ground as he ran through the mansion shouting for Trowa and Wufei, who came running at the sound of their delicate lovers voice.

"Quatre what is it?" Wufei needed to stride to keep up with the blonde.

Abnormally angry aquamarine eyes turned to glance at him. "I don't know, but Heero's done something, and Duo is in a big mess. And when I say mess I mean bloody. Both of you are going to need to come with me… I can't do this on my own.

Trowa simply nodded and went to get their rather well stocked medical kit, as Wufei headed to his meditation rooms to acquire the herbs and medicines he would require.

A short time later they were on their way to Duo's, Quatre at the wheel and paying very little attention to speed limits. Perhaps luck was on their side since no one pulled them over, or maybe they just took one look at Quatre's face and decided to close an eye as to the speed he was driving at.

Arriving at their friends house, Quatre headed straight to Duo's bedroom, the others following closely behind. Although all three of them had seen many war wounds and injuries, it was always worse when it was someone who was close to you.

Duo was twisted onto his side on the carpet, breath coming in short uneven gasps. Blood trickled down his back and buttocks from the glass shards of the shower screen, some of the shard could still be seen sticking out of the wounds. The blood was soaking the carpet slowly, and the wound on his thigh was pouring a steady if sluggish stream to help dye the carpet deep red.

A deep breath later, Quatre leaned down and in one practiced motion picked up his best friend and deposited him on the bed. Violet eyes fluttered open briefly, resting for a heartbeat on Quatre, before a relieved sigh escaped his lips as they fluttered closed once more… breath no longer uneven.

Wufei's face softened as he watched the blonde tend Duo's wounds. Preparing the herbs into medicines he would need to stave off infection whilst Trowa assisted Quatre in removing the glass splinters from his back half, his mind wandered off. He couldn't believe Heero had been so careless as to come here and upset Duo like that. Hell, he couldn't believe that Heero had even had the guts to come anywhere near Duo. Calming himself down, he decided he would have to wait until Duo woke up and could tell them about what had happened. It was strange how fragile Duo could be. If he hadn't been one of the braided baka's closest friends, he would never have known that Duo was any less than the strong front he presented to the world. At almost 21 Duo had been through more in his life that most people who weren't Gundam pilots and Wufei had always marvelled at the way that he kept pushing on and on no matter what, no matter what obstacles were placed in his path, and somehow continued to be this amazingly giving person who was nice to all of the people that needed him and smiled and brought joy to as many people as he could.

Quatre startled Wufei out of his reverie, asking for the salve that Wufei had been preparing. Wordlessly the black haired man handed him it and watched as Duo's back was finished, and the attention was turned to the wound he'd created on his thigh. As far as Wufei could tell, it wasn't as bad a wound as Duo normally inflicted on himself, but it was still bad enough. It was something that Wufei could not understand. That Duo needed to hurt himself to, well, in fact, take the pain away. Irony really. A shudder ran down his back as he watched Quatre delicately stitch the wound closed, and he turned from the room, thinking it a good idea to clean up the bathroom.

Quatre was angry, not angry at his lovers or his best friend as he tended his wounds, but angry at Heero. He could feel the pain in Duo, he could see the mess this whole debacle had made of him and he didn't know if he would ever be able to find it in his heart to forgive Heero even if Duo should find it in his own. He didn't even notice as a pale hand reached out to steady his own.

"Don't scowl Cat… it doesn't suit you at all." The voice was raspy and tired, but the violet eyes danced slightly as they looked at Quatre. "Scowling is much more suited to the stoic types." A slight smile crossed Duo's lips at his own joke before he let out a sigh.

"You okay, D?" Quatre used the nickname he very rarely used for Duo, out of worry and perhaps to comfort his friend.

"Yeah Cat… Just so tired… so very tired of trying to get through every day, just to lose the battle." His voice was listless.

"Don't be ridiculous Maxwell." Wufei strode into the room. "You haven't lost the battle, you just had a minor set back, stop talking such nonsense."

A weak smile emerged on Duo's face. "Yes, sir, three bags full sir!"

"Shut up, Duo…" But Wufei couldn't quite hide the smile. He sat himself down on the end of the bed, as Quatre settled himself next to Duo and took a hand, kneeding the point between the forefinger and thumb that seemed to soothe so well, and Trowa leant against the wall. In a softer voice Wufei spoke, " What did he do, Duo?"

"That's just it… he didn't do anything bad at all. That's what's so frustrating. He was sitting on my front path when I got home… he was so confused and so hesitant and so… just so damn Human… and so damn real… and so damn fucking alive." A tear snaked down Duo's face, unnoticed.

No one else said anything, they just let Duo gather himself together and speak when he was ready.

"You know… it was easy when he was dead, I could forget how much he meant to me and concentrate on hating him. But now… he is alive… and I know he is there, and I know he is living without me… and I know he is lost, because I was the one he coaxed him out, because I was the one that helped him be more human, and now he is floundering too. But what we were, what we had, it wasn't healthy, it was too co-dependant… I couldn't live without him and he couldn't survive without me. We need to find ourselves… I need to find myself, become myself… and then maybe I can consider loving him… or letting myself love him, because at the moment I can't… I just can't… it's too soon. He came too soon, he shouldn't have come yet… he wasn't supposed to." Duo finally fell silent, apparently oblivious to the stream of tears jetting down his face.

"It's ok Duo, we're here, we're your family…" Quatre's voice lulled Duo into a doze as the long haired man relaxed under the familiar sound.

#*#

James huddled in on himself as the cold winters wind blew around him. Walking away from the alleyway he had made his last drop off, the ten year old had to stop and lean against the wall to keep on his feet as another shudder of withdrawal wracked his body. Withdrawals or not, sick or not, he had to make those drops, and collect the cash that he was meant to. Besides, maybe, just maybe if he made those drops well and on time, he would get a bonus for himself. They never got money, they just got some of the sweets that he had had stolen. And he needed those right then, needed them almost more than air.

#*#

Duo was fast asleep. Quatre, Trowa and Wufei were downstairs in the sitting room having a very quiet argument.

"You can't do that Quatre." Wufei sat back with his arms crossed, his admonishment final.

"And why can I not do that Wufei?" It was rare that Quatre used either of his lover's full names, especially Wufei's, so it was a sure sign that the blond was in a very bad mood.

It was however, Trowa's calm voice that interjected. "You heard Duo, Cat… he still loves Heero, may even want to give them a second chance, he just isn't ready. Barging into Yuy's residence and telling him to and I quote you here "Stay the fuck away from Duo," is not the way that this should be handled."

Quatre glared at him. "But…"

"No 'But's' Cat. Not this time. No puppy dog gorgeous aquamarine eyes to get your way. No diplomatic stance that you use to win over officials no matter what. No… this time I'm putting my foot down. Wufei goes and talks to Heero because you would let your personal feelings get in the way." Trowa's fully revealed green eye pinned Quatre to his seat with the gaze it gave him. "So we understand each other?"

Quatre just nodded, mouth agape, not quite believing that that speech had just come from Trowa. His silent, stoic, man of few words, had just given a veritable speech. So wrapped up in his thoughts was he, that he barely registered Trowa leaning forward.

Gently Trowa pushed Quatre's jaw up to meet the rest of his mouth, before leaning in and claiming a tender kiss from the blonde, trying to take the sting out of his words. "I do love you Cat, but sometimes, just sometimes, you let yourself get carried away with the way the emotions effect you."

Quatre had the decency to blush, knowing that Trowa was right, and suddenly feeling very small for getting angry at Wufei. Turning he sought out Wufei's eyes, and seeing nothing but love in those black depths he let out a sigh of relief.

"Sorry fei," he said in a very small voice. "Still love me?"

Leaning forward Wufei gathered Quatre into his arms and kissed him gently. "Always you little one, always."

#*#

Relena flipped through her current appointment schedule, frowning at the lack of time it appeared that she had. The next two months were booked solid and that was all the appointments that she had in that diary. Resting a perfectly manicured finger on the com link button on her desk, she spoke in that cultured, slightly whiny voice.

"Merena, Please bring in the next schedule for me."

Almost instantly the door opened to reveal a young woman with a thick leather bound folder under her arm. Carefully she placed it on Relena's desk awaiting any further instructions.

Ignoring her aid, Relena flipped through a couple of weeks until she found an amazing sight; namely a page without any dates whatsoever.

"Ahhh," Tossing her hair over her shoulder she began to pencil into two of the blank weeks she seemed to have three months down the line. Once she was finished she motioned to Merena to look at what she had done.

"Now Merena, I will be taking holidays at this time. I will not be contactable, and I will not want to be disturbed as I have something very important to me to take care of. In short I do not care if the world starts to explode around us, I am not available over this time period."

Merena raised an eyebrow slightly upon hearing this. That Relena the workaholic was taking time off was definitely something different. But she didn't comment to that effect, instead she simply answered. "Yes Ma'am." And left the room.

Watching her aid close the door behind her Relena leaned back in her chair, a smug expression on her face. "Two weeks should be enough… in just over three months, Heero will be mine."

#*#

Une's face crumpled in consternation as she read the latest report that crossed her desk. Frowning, she paged Sally to come to her office as soon as possible, and delved deeper into the doctors statement.

She was concentrating on what she was reading so intently that she actually did not hear Sally enter the room and was not even aware of the other woman's presence until Sally placed a hand on Une's shoulder.

Instead of tensing, Une relaxed into the reassuring and familiar touch of her partner. They had been through so much with the Preventers since the beginning, sometimes it was like a child to them. Une couldn't imagine having a better friend.

Quietly she pushed the Report into Sally's hands. "Read."

Sitting on the edge of the desk, Sally obliged her friend, brow furrowing as she read deeper and deeper into the report.

"Trillium dust… a 9 year old… how is that… how the hell?"

"I know… Sally I know…"

"How did it get out, how the hell did it get out, Une!?"

A look of frustration crossed Une's face. "I don't know! It was too dangerous, too high a risk factor. Prolonged usage of the drug has worse effects than an overdose… an overdose just results in death. It was supposed to be destroyed Sally, it was supposed to be gone."

Taking a deep breath Sally calmed herself, knowing that panicking now wouldn't help them at all, knowing that they had to keep their wits about them in order to try and stop this before it could really start. "First steps first Une, do you have any idea who it could have been? Any idea at all?"

Frustration welled in Une's eyes. "That's just it Sally, it could have been any of the scientists we had employed back then… they were all scrupulous, that was why we hired them." As her brain started to wrestle back control from her momentary loss of her emotions, Une stopped. "Well, it could be any of those that are still alive."

"Well, " Sally was a little relieved that it may be a little easier than she had hoped. "I guess that's as good a place as any to start."

#*#

It was dark when Wufei reached Heero's apartment. Not quite knowing how to go about it he raised his fist and knocked on the door. There was a little commotion to be heard behind the door and then a couple of locks were thrown, making Wufei smile. It seemed old habits died hard for all of them. The door was thrown open, revealing a decidedly dishevelled Heero, whose face actually registered surprise as he recognised his visitor.

A curt nod greeted Wufei. "Chang." And Heero stepped to the side motioning with one hand for Wufei to enter the apartment, and closed the door behind him.

Turning to face Heero, Wufei took a deep breath.

"We need to talk Heero."

~~**~~

To Chapter Four

Well that's that chapter, finally… took me long enough, hoping to get them out a little more frequently than this now. Have time again for writing, so it should work out.

~Arith