Author: Arithion

Email: arithkenshin@yahoo.co.uk

Title: Somewhere I belong

Archives: http://www.goldenyaoihuggle.com/welcomepage.htm ,  http://www.mediaminer.org/fanfic/ under Arithkenshin

Pairings: 1x2, 3x4x5, S+U

Warnings: Angst, self-mutilation, Yaoi, Psychological, Drama, Action, Suspense, Romance

Disclaimer: Don't own em, if wishes were fishes I'd be living in an ocean … Don't sue, not getting any cash for this… and the little money I have goes to feed my pets

Summary: Sequel to Some Way Back.  How will Duo deal with the things of the previous eighteen months? How will the others deal? Why are otherwise healthy children Dying?  When everything else seems forsaken, can hope pull you through?

^^ encases song words^^

#*# scene change

~#~ flashback

~~**~~ end of chapter

~encase self reflective thought~

Chapter 6/?

Somewhere I belong: … Lest Ye Be Judged…

Whirling, he threw a kick, which Wufei managed to block just in time and counter with a fast punch that was narrowly missed by his sparring partner. 

A feral grin spread over Heero's face as he looked at his friend.  "We're out of shape Chang…" the chocolate haired boy was bouncing lightly on his toes, wary of movement from the other man. 

Briefly the Chinese man shook his head.  "You're not too bad for having been holed up for 18 months without a sparing partner…"

An almost bitter laugh escaped Heero's throat, and he raked his eyes over his friend, taking in details; assessing his opponent.  "Less talk and more fight Chang!"

Belatedly Wufei realised that reminding Heero of his self imposed 18 month exile had probably not been the smartest thing in the world to do, but all thoughts fled his mind as he concentrated on staying out of reach of those kicks and punches that could come from Yuy.  The man was a trained soldier and although Wufei knew that Heero would pull the hits so they weren't fatal or too damaging, they still hurt a hell of a lot if he didn't concentrate.

The two men circled each other, assessing weaknesses and strengths, before Heero moved in, a smile on his face.  Outsiders would have thought they were seriously fighting, but for anyone who knew what to look for, they were two friends who had seen far too little of each other for far too long. 

#*#

A hand reached for him, making Duo shy away.  The skin was dripping from the bones, as if melting, while the entire building around the thing in front of him collapsed in a ruin of fire and explosions.  It's chest was carved, and dripping blood mingled with the flesh as it fell away in chunks revealing what looked to be like a black hole inside.  The right eye was barely hanging, dangling from its socket by a single thread that was still attaching it to the cavity in the face of that thing in front of him.  There was no other word for it; it was a thing.

The braided man could hear screams, and he wasn't 100% sure that they weren't coming from him.  It all seemed so surreal, and then the thing spoke.

"You are weak…"

Duo stumbled back as the melting lump of flesh advanced on him.

"We got rid of…"

Shaking his head, Duo fell down and continued to scramble away backwards

"How could you have ever piloted a Gundam…"

And he had to stop; he was backed up against something.  He turned, noticing that there was a likeness of Heero behind him that was also starting to melt.  The hole in his chest was dripping with skin and blood and the gashes in his arms seemed to flow into the flesh, as those same arms fell around Duo.  That mouth lowered to Duo's ear as the thingapproached him, holding the violet-eyed man in place.

"I told you I would never leave you Duo…"

The feeling of melting skin, leaked onto Duo's ear and he screamed out again.

"You should have trusted me…"

Arms slowly began to merge with Duo's own flesh, and yet another scream tore from the braided mans throat.

"Look what you've done to me… "

One last time Duo screamed, louder, more forcefully, feeling everything shatter around him; everything fall away.

He sat up, the last words he remembered falling from his lips…

"Don't let us be alone…"

#*#

"James?"  The man whispered outside his door, knowing that he shouldn't be doing it anyway; knowing that he should be ignoring what had happened and was happening.

A muffled sob came from the room, before a shakey reply. "Go a...away"

Pushing almost white hair out of his eyes, the man sighed.  "Dinner is outside your door… and I've left some tablets…" Taking a deep breath he added softly and quietly … "They'll help with the pain, and help you sleep."

He heard a scuffling, and an approach to the door, which was unlocked and then revealed a slightly dishevelled head of hair.  The tray was scooped up at once, James's eyes sweeping the corridor warily.  "Thanks." He mumbled and closed the door.

Wishing he could change his role in things, the young man turned away.  He would change everything if he could, all he had to hope was that theydidn't find out, because if they did, his reason for doing everything in the first place would be over, and he couldn't let that happen. 

#*#

Shaking his head, Duo tried to clear the thoughts and images from his mind. Whilst glancing outside he realised that it was later than he thought and that there was probably a really good reason his stomach was rumbling, even if the dream had been a tad off putting.

Speaking of the dream… Duo was no dream interpreter, but even he knew it was trying to knock somesense into that stupid head of his. 

"God's Maxwell, " he was mumbling to himself as he went around the kitchen, preparing something light to eat.  "Can't give yourself hints or the like the way normal people do… noooo you have to give yourself huge, large, freaking dreams, that normal people would turn into horror movies."

He sighed as he pulled out some bread, cheese and tomatoes.  For some reason he felt like toasty fingers.  Idly he watched the food in the little oven as it melted…

"Awww shit, you're a clever one Duo…Lets just melt shit… after a dream with a lot of skin and red melting together… what a great idea."  Shaking his head, he waited for the food to finish heating and then walked into his little living area and plopped himself down on the couch. 

Silently he ate his food, and switched on the television whilst doing so.  News.  Just what he needed to get his mind off things.  However he knew that it wasn't going to be that easy at all.  His mind had a tendency to go ahead and think about things whether Duo liked it or not, consented to it or not; or in fact had any say whatsoever about it.

Running over the events of the last few days in his mind, he had to admit one thing.  He missed Heero.  In fact: he missed Heero a lot.  It was different now, though.  Whereas before he had thought that he had lost Heero and would never have him, there had always been this ache in his chest that made him wish that his one moment of insanity had prevailed and that he was alongside his lover wherever he might have landed.

But now?  Now it was different.  He ached, sure, but not like he had before.  It was in a different way, in a way that his soul and heart knew that the love of his life was alive and well, and that it was possible to be with that person.  His body yearned for Heero, his heart sang for him and as clichéd as it might sound, his soul needed him.  But his head couldn't get past the sense of betrayal he felt.  As if all the trust he had poured into Heero, and all the love he had shown, had some how been thrown back in his face. 

"What I need…" Duo mused softly…" Is to know that he still loves me, which he really didn't think, that he really needs me… I need to know that he didn't think he was betraying me… but I need to see it… not hear it…"

Which cause him to sigh yet again, because that was honestly the whole root of the problem now wasn't it.  Duo couldn't stand the sight of Heero… or could he?  Would it be worth a try?  Had he just not expected to see Heero the day before and therefore been stunned back into a state he was desperately trying to leave behind. 

"Its not as though I like hurting myself!" he reasoned, as he idly began to wrap the presents for the following day.  "Its just sometimes… there is no other outlet… just sometimes it's the only logical thing for me to do… I can't go around blowing up oz installations anymore… and I need to let the feelings out somehow… so why not just hurt myself in the process in stead of others."

Of course, just because his thinking made sense to himself, Duo knew that it probably wouldn't make sense to many other people at all.  His life was complicated, and as much as Duo liked to appear otherwise, he knew he was a pretty complicated person himself.  A pretty complicated person, who was complimented by someone who was more complicated than him.  "How ironic" And a smile flitted across his face.

Suddenly he felt a little tired.  In fact, he felt bloody tired.  Nightmares never helped him sleep well, and he just hoped that he was wound down enough that he wouldn't dream this time when he went to sleep.  He needed a full nights sleep for tomorrow; after all, he was going to be the santa to a horde of kids.  And truth be told, he couldn't wait… it was something perfect… the perfect way to get his mind off all of the shit that had been going through it lately.  There would be time enough to sort through his emotions, feelings and thoughts after the Christmas party.

Turning the lights out, he headed up the stairs to bed…almost feeling normal for once.

#*#

They'd been sparring for what seemed like hours… when in actual fact… it had been hours.  A little out of breath Wufei looked over at his friend, noticing that Heero's chest still rose and fell in that methodical rhythm, not missing a beat.  He couldn't believe that the Japanese boy was in such brilliant shape… it was amazing.

"Not fair Yuy, you never tire."

"Not true Chang," The Prussian eyed boy replied as he let them back into the house. "Duo could always tire me out…" It was out before he realised what he had said, and a sad smile flickered over his face, but he shrugged it away and closed down the wall, protecting that vulnerable side from showing through.

"Stop it Heero."

Startled, Heero looked up.  "Stop what?" Confusion tinged his voice as he tilted his head.  Wufei had to admit; it made the former Gundam Pilot look absolutely adorable.

Taking a slightly deeper breath, because he knew that the ground he would be treading on was not of the norm for neither himself nor Heero, Wufei tried to arrange the thoughts in his head. 

"Stop closing yourself off Heero… just be yourself?"

A confused look was all that Heero directed back at him, so Wufei tried again.

"The way I see it is like this… Every time you try, your training kicks in and the defences come up and there you are, blocked off like everyone is used to.  Heero "Ice" Yuy."

Waiting as that sunk in, Wufei contemplated what to say next.  At the nod from Heero, indicating that the other had understood so far, Wufei ventured more.

"The you, that comes out when you spar, or when you're just not… thinking… is a you that we rarely get to see.  It is a you that Duo saw the most and most of the time because when it was just you and he, your guard was down… your training didn't kick in, because you got used to it."

"I .. try to hard?"  Heero's face was perplexed and Wufei almost laughed.

"Maybe try to hard is not the right wording Yuy, its more like you, become to conscious of trying to be normal and fit in, and your training backfires."

The Chinese man could see that his friend was running through all the information in his head, trying to see just what he meant.  As a sheepish smile spread across Heero's face, Wufei realised that Duo had indeed done wonders for pilot 01.  The man had somehow delved down far enough to find the personality that training had hidden so well.

"Guess my "mission parameters" have changed ne?" 

If he had been sitting in a chair, Wufei probably would have fallen off, considering the twinkle in Heero's eyes as he said the last meant that the otherwise stoic pilot was showing off that he had a sense of humour.

"Just a little Yuy, just a little…"

Squaring his shoulders, Heero sighed a little.  "Its going to be hard to not "try" so hard… but… I don't like the me I am when I do it.  Still willing to help me?"

"Yes… I'll just kick you in the butt when you start being all stuffy…"

Heero raised an eyebrow… "You mean you'll tryto kick me in the butt Chang…"

A pleased laugh escaped from Wufei's throat as he realised that it might not be such an impossible mission after all.

Stepping out of the front door, Wufei turned as he heard Heero speak.

"See you soon Chang?"

"Count on it Yuy…"

Heero leant against the door as he watched his friend drive away… "Friend… I didn't lose them all… maybe there's hope yet…" And he walked into the house, closing the door behind him.

#*#

"Well, he should be home soon, don't you think Trowa?"  Quatre fiddled a little nervously.  It was getting late.

Trowa raised an eyebrow and left what he was doing to go and curl up with the smaller blonde on the couch.  "He's a grown boy, love.  I am sure he can take care of himself."

"It's not that Trowa…" And the blonde fidgeted, trying to sort out what he was attempting to say in his head.  The taller man just waited patiently, lending comfort by simply being there. 

And a sigh escaped Quatre's throat and his voice was very quiet when he spoke, almost as if he didn't want to, but knew he had to.  "He was right Trowa…"

The green-eyed boy just nodded and pulled Quatre into a hug.

Thankful that Trowa wasn't choosing right then to give his usually very preceptive insight, Quatre managed to continue speaking.  "I… sometimes…well… I just get so caught up in what I can feel, that I don't realise how … judgemental I become…I didn't realise that I had done that.  God's Trowa… I practically condemned one friend because I wanted to protect another… what sort of person does that make me?"  There were tears in those pleading aquamarine eyes.  Needing to know…

But it wasn't Trowa's voice that answered him.

"The type of person, who would never knowingly hurt a fly … let alone his close friends."  Wufei placed a gentle kiss on the blonds forehead and then settled down behind him, nestling Quatre between Trowa and himself, before continuing: "The type of person who reacts to the pain his friends are in and only wants to help…"  He kissed down the pale shoulder in front of him.  "And you are one of the men I love more than anything in the world… no little spat would ever change that Quatre."

A smile lit up Quatre's face, making the room almost shine.  "Love you too 'Fei…"

Silencing the smaller man with a chaste kiss, Wufei continured.  "I just need you to promise me one thing…"

"Fei?"

"Heero is hurting too… try and feel that too please?  Might help you gain the perspective you think you've lost…"

Nodding his head Quatre took a deep breath.  "I will… and "Fei?"

"Mmmm…"  Wufei stopped his ministrations momentarily.  "Yes, my love?"

"Maybe we should invite Heero to Christmas dinner… if he doesn't already have plans…"  The voice was hesitant… careful… not sure of the response.

A smile lit up Wufei's face and he kissed Quatre once more… a little deeper than before, and stood up… "I'll call him now… before I have other things on my mind… and forget…"  Snickering he walked to the vid phone.

Snuggling into Trowa's chest, Quatre felt loved and protected, as the green eyed man stroked his hair lovingly.  "See love… that wasn't so hard now… was it?"

A mischievous grin spread over Quatre's face… "Depends on what you mean by hard?"  And when Wufei came back from the phone call … things were rather hard… for a long while.

#*#

Heero hung up the Vid phone, a pleasant feeling coursing through his body.  Maybe everything would be ok?  Maybe he hadn't fucked up beyond all hopes of repair.  Tomorrow he would get to have Christmas dinner with three of his closest friends… or well, the ones he wanted to be close again.  Truth be told he missed them terribly, and was a little disappointed that Duo would not be there, but at the same time somehow relieved about it, considering that he didn't think Duo would welcome seeing him any time soon.

Going about his nightly ritual, Heero made sure that the perimeters were secured.  Smiling to himself he wondered if he would ever outgrow that habit, and decided that he would very probably never outgrow it.  All he really wanted to outgrow was that instinct that made him one of the most antisocial men on the face of the earth… because when he was honest with himself; he hated it. 

Finally he made his way to bed… and for the first time in a long time… he was looking forward to the next day.

#*#

Unfortunately not everyone's lives were looking up.  James was caught in the midst of a nightmare, thrashing and whimpering… and woke up drenched in sweat.  The boy huddled against the head of his bed in the small room he was allocated and let the tears of bewilderment leak down his cheeks again.  Idly he wondered if things would be that much simpler if he never woke up.

~~**~~

Well there we go… brain churning again…

Sorry it took so long… but at the moment I am minus a beta and am proof reading things myself… hope it didn't hurt your eyes too much!

~Arith