Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Somewhere I Belong ❯ Well Hell, ... ( Chapter 8 )

Author: Arithion/Arithkenshin

Email: arithkenshin@yahoo.co.uk

Title: Somewhere I belong

Archives: http://www.goldenyaoihuggle.com/welcomepage.htm , www.fanfiction.net/~arithkenshin , http://www.mediaminer.org/fanfic/ under Arithkenshin

Pairings: 1x2, 3x4x5, S+U

Warnings: Angst, self-mutilation, Yaoi, Psychological, Drama, Action, Suspense, Romance

Disclaimer: Don't own em, if wishes were fishes I'd be living in an ocean … Don't sue, not getting any cash for this… and the little money I have goes to feed my pets

Summary: Sequel to Some Way Back. How will Duo deal with the things of the previous eighteen months? How will the others deal? Why are otherwise healthy children Dying? When everything else seems forsaken, can hope pull you through?

^^ encases song words^^

#*# scene change

~#~ flashback

~~**~~ end of chapter

~encase self reflective thought~

Somewhere I Belong: Well Hell, …

Duo blinked, not really registering the silence that was in the room. Instead, there was a war waging inside his head. What he had before him was one particular scenario that he had not gone over. At that point in time his brain was trying its best to convince him that it was funny.

The long-haired man was not amused. Silence stretched a little uncomfortably, as if everyone had lost the use of their vocal chords. It grated at him, picking at his nerves, making him want to panic and run. The tension was so thick that he could have cut it with a knife.

Then there was Heero. His face was so open that Duo could read him properly for the first time since the entire shitstorm had happened. He could see the pain, anguish, loss and longing there. It was mixed with frustration, love…and anger at himself. It was all written in those Prussian depths.

So Duo didn't turn and run. How could he? He didn't want his friends to think that they had hurt him that badly. So he made the decision and snapped a smile onto his face, attempting to ignore that Heero flinched at the action. Heero knew him well enough to know what it was that Duo had just done, but the braided boy knew he didn't have much of a choice.

Either Duo bottled up his feelings to analyse them later, or else he would make a break for it and run… and for once he refused to give into that urge. Though he did make a conscientious effort not to make eye contact with Heero.

"Well hell, guys. Why didn't you tell me there was a party?" Making his voice light and joking made it a little easier for Duo. All but one person in the room sighed in relief. Heero just watched the American, his own face schooled into a frown and back under guard.

Quatre looked a little perturbed, but smiled tentatively at his best friend. "Um, Duo… but we did tell you we invited you to Christmas."

Smiling with a bit of genuine mirth, Duo shook his head. "No… actually Cat, you didn't. You invited me to Christmas dinner. And between a dinner and a party - I must argue, there is a whole world of difference."

The room chuckled and Duo heaved an internal sigh of relief - situation diffused. He just hoped that he could keep it up, and it probably would have helped had Heero not been dressed in what he was dressed in. Duo had always loved that shirt. The way a couple of buttons left open showed a smooth expanse of golden skin; the ease with which those buttons could be undone… Woah. He stopped that train of thought right then and there.

A voice spoke beside him, startling him out of his momentary reverie. "You brought your guitar Duo, going to play for us?" Trowa's voice was low and almost soothing. It Helped Duo to relax, just that little bit.

"Maybe T-man." Slinging the guitar off his back, he deposited it in the corner carefully. "Depends on just how suicidal I am feeling later on." Oops, had he really let that slip out? Covering what he had said with a feral grin and trying to make light of it, he reassured Trowa. "Don't look so worried, the mirrors are safe."

Trowa watched the long-haired man weave his way through the crowd, wondering if Duo was going to crack. He had to admit that Duo turning up at the Christmas party had never crossed his mind. He just hoped that they hadn't blown anything by having Heero there.

How the hell were they supposed to juggle two stubborn, hurting and-despite all appearances-very much in love friends?

A soft laugh escaped the tall man's lips as supple arms encircled him.

"Come on Trowa, like Duo said, this is a party." And with a merry, slightly tipsy laugh and twinkle to his eyes, Quatre pulled Trowa out into the middle of the room.

Prussian eyes followed the lithe form that threaded its way through the room; he just couldn't resist. It felt like Duo was a drug, which he needed, felt drawn towards and had gone far too long without. The way his hips moved in those jeans, seductively, sensuously - all of it unconsciously Duo. The shirt billowed about the young man, clinging in just the right places and offering a hint of that which Heero longed for. It made Heero ache in more ways than one.

Sipping his punch, he tried to make his eyes look somewhere else, anywhere else, but his synapses were refusing to listen to him.

Pouring himself a glass of punch, Duo skulled it and poured himself another. He was trying desperately not to pay attention to the eyes that he could feel trying to look through him. Anger welled in him at the thought but was followed by confusion, fear and a longing that he was trying valiantly to ignore.

One of the grounds-keepers stopped by and started talking to him. Although Duo knew he spoke to the man as well, he would never be able to remember what it was that they had been talking about. Idly he wondered if he peeked, if it would really make a difference at all. It's not like it would be obvious or anything. So steeling himself and gathering some courage, he turned a little and raised his eyes to look at Heero.

Whether it was a mistake or not, neither of them could tell. Neither of them were expecting the other to be looking when their eyes locked, a jolt crackling down their spines.

Duo needed to lean against the table next to him as his knees threatened to give way beneath him. Heero forgot he was holding a glass. It fell crashing to the ground, causing everyone in the room to look at them. Silence settled once more.

Watching the chocolate-haired boy, Duo couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away from Heero. As a slow, tentative and slightly abashed smile began to spread over Heero's face, it mesmerized Duo. He couldn't help but smile a little in response. It was that smile that had always made him realise that there was more to Heero than everyone else got to see. It was part of the reason Duo had fallen in love with him. A small chuckle escaped from Heero's throat, making Duo's heart lurch a little.

Shrugging his shoulders, Heero licked his lips tentatively. "Oops." he said, and the room joined in. The laughter grew gradually. Heero refused to break the hold that he had on Duo's eyes, even though the party continued on around them.

Wufei nudged his two partners. "Looks like that could get embarrassing."

Quatre looked at the Chinese man sharply, "Don't even think it Wufei!"

A grin spread itself across Wufei's face. "What? Me? Think?…Never!"

Trowa chuckled. "I must say-this was the last thing I was expecting."

"What? That Heero would drop a glass and seems to have the ability to smile without cracking his face?" The Chinese man raised an eyebrow inquisitively as he spoke.

"Acerbic wit doesn't become you Chang!" Trowa winked at his lover. "I may have to find other things to occupy your mouth with… " he continued, ignoring the blush that flushed Wufei's face. "No - I wasn't talking about that. I meant that Duo would arrive here, and deal… so apparently well with the situation."

Quatre was watching as the two continued their staring match, a thoughtful look on his face as he slowly sent out feelers to analyse the situation. Tsking softly under his breath he absently pulled on Trowa's arm. "He's floundering… his feelings are pouring out… they're getting out of hand. Fei, go and distract Heero…" The blonde disentangled himself from his green-eyed lover and walked towards his best friend.

Reaching out a hand, he brushed Duo's arm gently, not wanting to startle the man. Violet-eyes blinked, losing their focus, and turned towards Quatre with a dazed look. Slowly, his face melted into a real smile. The soft smile gave lie for a moment, to the heartache Duo had been through. Raising a hand almost unconsciously to his lips, Duo ran the fingers along the bottom one.

"I wanted to forget?" He sighed, eyes searching, begging for an answer to a question that should have been rhetorical.

And it was an answer that Quatre didn't know how to give, but tried his best anyway. "I'm not sure, Duo." Gently Quatre led his best friend away, locking himself off from the flood of feelings that were pouring out of Duo, lest he lose himself in them.

Heero watched as Duo was led away, frustration almost boiling over. He was oblivious to the person who was picking up the shattered glass from the floor. Wufei's voice next to him, didn't startle him-merely made him grunt.

"Way not to try, Yuy."

"Hn, I wasn't trying…I just…" Heero sighed and turned to his friend. "I just wanted to… needed to look at him."

Clasping a hand on Heero's shoulder, Wufei led him in the other direction. "Well look on the bright side, Yuy…"

Raising an eyebrow, Heero glanced sideways at the Chinese man. "Bright Side side?"

"He didn't try to beat you to a pulp this time…"

A surprised chuckle emerged from Heero's throat. "No, no you're right. He didn't try to kill me - this time."

#*#

Convulsions ripped through his body, waking James from the uneasy sleep he had fallen into. Glancing at the clock he groaned, trying to get his body back under control. Never in his short life had he felt so vulnerable. Grasping under the pillow he came up with one of his lollies, slowly aiming for his mouth and finally managing to suck away on the sweet.

Sweat dripped down his forehead as he lowered himself to his bed, tears slipping out of his eyes as the shaking began to subside. He didn't know what was wrong with him, but he knew he wasn't allowed to speak of it, because no one was allowed. The sobs became louder and he tried to muffle them as he drifted into an exhausted sleep.

Outside his door Maellin sighed, wishing he could help, but his hands were tied. When the children hit 10 and didn't have a family to go to, they had to start earning their keep. It was just the way things were. Walking away, Maellin tried to shake those thoughts out of his head. He had a meeting to go to.

#*#

Une buried her head on her arms, lack of sleep finally catching up with her. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she looked up, trying to stave off a headache.

Hands slipped around her arms, giving her soothing reassurance, before slipping back to work on her tense shoulders.

"You know Une? You shouldn't be stressing like this. It isn't healthy for you, and you can't afford to break down anytime soon. Take it a little easier please." Sally continued to try and relieve the cramping muscles under her hands while she spoke.

The lady sighed. "I know you're right, Sally. Really I know it. It's just, there is so much that I need to go through and look at, and try to figure out…"

Stopping her hands, Sally leant close to the other woman's ear. "Then one day isn't going to hurt or make a difference. Come and relax."

Grumbling Une pushed herself up from the desk and let Sally lead her to the couch. The other woman settled down first and beckoned to Une to join her. A small smile spread on her face as she leaned against Sally and began to watch the rather nondescript movie they had placed in the machine. Talented hands kneaded her scalp, slowly lulling her into a peaceful sleep.

Sally smiled as she noticed Une's breathing even out. Stopping her ministrations, she placed a delicate kiss on the top of the other woman's head. Locking her arms loosely around Une, she turned back to watch the TV once more.

"Merry Christmas, my lady."

#*#

"That is unacceptable, and will not happen again." The man spoke softly, an underlying tone of menace in his voice.

"Yes Mr. Davies…" Maellin would have loved to have said something else, but he had too much riding on his being the obedient servant.

"They are under your care. Should another incident like this happen, you will be held accountable. I don't think I need to remind you what will happen if you fail."

Maellin flinched at the comment and had to make himself take a few deep breathes before he could calm down.

Davies watched the younger man with interest, noticing that he was trying to keep himself under control. It would be interesting to see how he developed. "Are the preparations for the next shipment finished?"

"Not yet sir, but they are well underway."

The other man just grunted in response. "And have you found a substitute for your responsibilities at the orphanage when I need to have you here?"

Lowering his eyes, Maellin found it difficult to look at the older man. "As of yet, I haven't found anyone. Though I may have someone who can jump in for me a day a week. Should know by the new year."

"Very well… you may go…" With a wave of his hand Davies dismissed Maellin, letting a snide smile spread over his face he added: "Merry Christmas."

#*#

Exasperated, Wufei watched his friend pace up and down the balcony. "Oh stop it, Yuy!"

Prussian eyes flashed. "I just… I… damn it!" The things he wanted to say and the feelings he had were always so much clearer to himself, inside his head. It just seemed that every time he tried to express himself, he ended up blocked. ~You'd think that with all the technology they have these days people could just read thoughts!~

Wufei's surprised chuckle made Heero realised that he had spoken the last of that out loud and he didn't quite know how to react.

The expressions that flashed over his face made Wufei just keep silent, until a look of sheer and utter desperation hit. "I just… can't do this Chang."

"Yes you can Heero." Wufei's tone left no room for argument. "You can because it is what you want, and because it is what you need. And you will because the person you are allows for you to get nothing less than that which you desire."

A myriad of emotions passed over Heero's face and it was all that Wufei could do to stand his ground. Slowly though Heero seemed to manage to get himself in grip, and a softer expression covered his features.

"Thank you, Wufei."

Not really knowing how else to react, Wufei just nodded and stood next to his friend, lending silent company. The Japanese man absently focused on the stars in the sky, his mind so obviously on other things.

Heero remembered how much Duo liked the stars. He remembered how that face had lit up telling him how amazing it was that they blanketed the sky like they did. The soft trace of a smile spread across his lips as Heero thought about a lot of things. He needed Duo, he wanted Duo, he adored Duo. How the hell did you say that to people without being perceived as weak? How the hell could he admit openly that without Duo he felt empty and bereft without being ridiculed?

The feelings that battled inside him were driving him crazy. He didn't want to live without Duo. He had never thought that his actions would cause him to lose Duo. And if what he had seen in the braided man's eyes didn't mean that somewhere Duo loved him too, then Heero was confused to just what it was that he was feeling.

There was an ache in his chest that almost made him despair, a sense of himself that was missing and one that he craved to have back desperately. But why couldn't he express that in words so that others could hear? Why was it that those thoughts that somehow managed to be so coherent in his mind, always managed to hit a brick wall before he could get his vocal chords or body language to register them.

It was that damned training.

An annoyed grunt escaped his lips and Heero wished, not for the first time, that he had never received that training. He wished that he had never been a Gundam Pilot or fought in the war… that he had never had to become a killer. It was who he was, it was what he was trained to be.

The only person who had never seemed to mind, was Duo. Duo was the only person that Heero could risk letting down his guard with, the only person with whom he felt comfortable enough to do so.

And there was the catch 22. If he had not had his training, would he have ever found Duo? Would he have ever needed Duo? It was very likely that had he not been trained, piloted a Gundam and killed thousands of people, that he would never have known the anguish and ecstasy that was a life with Duo Maxwell. A life without Duo seemed inconceivable… but if he had never known him …

Right then… Heero wasn't sure which situation he would be better off in.

#*#

A hand touched Quatre lightly on the arm as he was about to follow Duo into the room. The blond turned to look up into those green eyes that he loved so much and raised a questioning eyebrow.

Trowa spoke softly. "You're too involved Quatre." Holding up a hand he silenced the blonde's retort. "No Cat… what he needs now is an opinion not coloured by what he himself is feeling."

Quatre mulled it over and had to admit that his lover was right. A small sigh escaped him. "I guess you're right…" He didn't want to leave Duo, but if he was going to be honest with himself, keeping up his walls as tightly as he was right then was becoming quite draining. "Just call me if you need me please."

Trowa placed a kiss on his head. "Will do, love."

Entering the room behind Duo, Trowa closed the door and turned to see Duo looking out of the window at the night sky, hands clenched into fists at his side. Instead of barrelling ahead, he gave Duo the time he knew the braided man needed to think.

After a little while, some of the tension leaked out of Duo's body. Without turning around Duo spoke, his shoulders slumping a little. "Thanks Trowa…sometimes Cat can be a little… well… too empathic."

A wry chuckle escaped Trowa's lips as he pushed himself off the wall and walked to the couch to sit down. "Cat loves us all Duo… perhaps more than we realise. His only intention is to make us feel better, needed and safe. Sometimes he just goes overboard."

"Yeah… you can say that again." And he barrelled into it before he could talk himself out of it. "Why was he here Trowa?"

There was a pleading tone to his voice that Duo didn't really like, but he couldn't do anything about it so he shrugged it off.

Trowa took a few moments before replying, thinking of the best way to put things. "Wufei went over to spar with Heero." He ignored the brief sigh of pain that escaped Duo's carefully schooled bravado. "And well, he's helping Heero with some… stuff. It's not a reflection of how we feel about you Duo. It has nothing to do with that. We were all war comrades. Somehow it seems wrong to shut one of us out even though he fucked up royally." Trowa shifted. "So when you said no, that you had other plans… we didn't see the harm in it…"

Duo clenched his eyes shut, fingers digging into the palms of his hands so tightly that he drew blood. "Why do I feel like this Trowa?" There was a hint of bewilderment to his voice.

Gently, Trowa asked him to elaborate. "Feel what Duo?"

"This… this gut wrenching pain. This need and want to go out and take hold of him and never let him go!" His voice was getting louder and the anger and pain were welling up inside of him.

Suddenly Duo just couldn't contain it. "I should hate him for this… I DO hate him for this. What fucking right does he have to have this effect on me after what he did to me?" Just as suddenly it passed and he turned to Trowa, letting the other man see the tears flowing unnoticed down his cheeks.

Dropping to his knees, Duo's pleading gaze looked to Trowa for an answer, and for the first time the green-eyed boy truly saw the Duo that Quatre had been so adamant about protecting. "Why does seeing him make my heart clench? Why do I want to kiss him and have him take all the pain away? Why do I hate him so much? Shouldn't I be happy he's alive? Why do I still love him Trowa?"

And Trowa was thinking that he should have let Quatre be the one to deal with this, since he now felt totally out of his depth. "I…don't know the answers to that, Duo. I just know that he very obviously still feels for you."

A spark of something Trowa couldn't place shot through Duo's eyes before the other man squelched it. "Feels for me? Or was he just used to me? Did he even know me? How could he misjudge me that badly?" The questions were soft, barely audible; as if Duo was just asking himself.

"Duo, can you just…let yourself feel?"

"Feel [comma] Trowa? I'm numb… I haven't been able to feel for…I cant let myself feel. When I feel, I get hurt… so very much." Those violet orbs had closed and the blood was now dripping from his hands as he clenched his fists tighter.

Lowering himself to the floor Trowa crawled towards Duo, idly thinking that if this was any other set of circumstances, it would be decidedly funny for him to be crawling across the floor. As it was though…

Slowly Trowa reached forward, ignoring the slight flinch that Duo made when he contacted the other's skin. Gently prying the fists apart, he looked at Duo as those violet orbs fluttered open, almost shocked by the depth of pain he saw in them. "Duo… please…don't ruin your hands. You need them." Duo just nodded. "What happened in there, Duo…Talk to me."

A slight shudder passed through Duo's frame, but he squared his shoulders and spoke. "I could feel him looking at me, but I didn't want to pull back...I was so scared. I couldn't resist it though, just couldn't. He's always had this pull on me, and when I looked at him, our eyes met...and I got lost in there, Trowa. I saw him so clearly...but it wasn't true. He's so confused, and he's hurting. Why is he hurting?! I'm the one he deserted!"

Pushing himself back onto his haunches Trowa looked at the American. "Duo, you're confused. He was dead in your eyes, you grieved, you took revenge, you never expected there would be a day you would see him again. But he didn't desert you Duo, he just made one huge error in judgement."

Eyes that were a little more aware, regarded Trowa thoughtfully. "Maybe…

"So, are you going to play for us tonight? Duo blinked at the topic change.

"Um no…my hands are… somewhat sore." A rather sheepish grin spread across his face.

"New Year's?"

A smile spread on Duo's face before he reverted back to a thoughtful frown. "Will he be here?"

"Will you come if he is?"

"Maybe…"

Well it was better than a direct no from him. "We won't invite him if you won't come because of it Duo. As much as I believe in letting someone prove themselves a second time, he did hurt us as well. I will not alienate you just to comfort Heero."

A genuine smile played at Duo's lips. "I'll come regardless then…" A grin lit his face. "Of course, I'm very good at ignoring people if I need to." And he winked at Trowa, before gingerly standing up and stretching his legs.

"I need to get going Trowa, I'm suddenly a lot more tired than I realised." Seeing Trowa's look of disbelief Duo reassured him. "No, seriously. I'm tired."

Slightly mollified, Trowa just nodded and stood up himself, following Duo to the door. "We'll see you soon?"

"Of course, Trow!"

As Duo was about to leave the room, Trowa spoke, making the braided man stop in his tracks. "Duo. Remember that everyone deserves a second chance."

Without looking back Duo just nodded, speaking softly under his breath. "Maybe…"

~~**~~

Well there we go.. yay Chapter 8 finished. Had a bit of writers block in the middle of this one so it wasn't all that great, but hell! Not too sure… is it ok?

Thanks go to CYT because she rocks somewhat...

~Arith