Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Somewhere I Belong ❯ Jagged Memories ( Chapter 2 )

Well ok so its taken me a few months to get to this stage… sorry for anyone who was avidly following it, but I had to take a break or else lose complete cohesion.

For those who were wondering… the break between this series and the first… is approximately 10 - 12 weeks… around 3 months… to land them just short of Christmas atm.

Again if you have not read Someway Back, this will probably make no sense at all, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Disclaimer : Don't own em yada yada, wish I did, because then the series would have been more yaoi orientated. Don't sue, I don't own anything except two chinchillas and three rats and they'll probably bite you hehe

Anyway hope you enjoy, if you wish to archive this story or be on the mailing list to find out when I update then please email me arithkenshin@yahoo.co.uk

Remember feed a starving author: Review!!!

#*# = scene change

~ words in direct thought to oneself

~#~ Flashback

~~**~~ end of chapter

Somewhere I Belong: Jagged Memories

The next morning found Duo lying on a large bed in Quatre's mansion, staring at the ceiling, fighting back the memories of Christmases gone by. He envied the fact that he knew Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei had each other all of the time, and yet he couldn't bring himself to want that same thing ever again. The pain that was involved in being betrayed was far too much.

He found himself wondering what it was that Heero was doing, what he had been doing lately, and chided himself. ~He's brought you nothing but pain and heartache, Duo, forget about him and move on~ and even as he told himself that, he knew that there was no way he would ever be able to listen to himself. He had lost his soul mate, and that wasn't something easily replaced, and, to be honest with himself, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to replace him. But had he really lost him?

"Augh!" If his hair hadn't been so precious to him Duo would seriously have contemplated tearing it out strand by strand. Everything had been so much more simple when Heero had been dead. Then he had just had to get through the mission and then not kill himself and upset his friends. If Heero had really been dead it would have been much easier for Duo to get on with his life. Fine, he probably would have needed just as much help and probably would have lost it a few times anyway, but he was fairly certain that he would have been able to go on hating the dead man and go about his merry business.

Swinging his legs out of bed and sitting up on the side of it, Duo let his half undone braid fall about his shoulders hunching them in frustration. Who was he kidding? He would never have gotten Heero out of his head, and now that the bastard was still alive there was even less chance of that ever happening.

A knock on the door startled him out of his reverie and a sigh escaped his lips.

"Come in."

Quatre took his cue and practically bounced into the room, momentarily pausing at the dishevelled appearance that his boxer clad best friend gave.

"Come on Duo, bacon and eggs!"

Duo smiled a rather wan smile at the smaller blonde. "Really not feeling hungry Cat!" Absently the long haired man fiddled with the rings on his fingers, as if anchoring himself. "I kind of just want to go home and have some, you know, me time." Violet eyes raised to stare into aquamarine, wanting to see if his best friend understood.

Quatre just nodded, he could see the pain in Duo's eyes, the memories that a Christmas brought back for him. "Sure Duo, but take one of the cars, otherwise you wont be able to take your presents with you. We can bring the bike around in a few days."

Nodding, Duo began to stand up and head to the bathroom, pausing as he went to open the door, he spoke without turning back around.

"And Cat…"

"Yes Duo?"

"Thank you… for everything."

Quatre smiled as he watched his friend enter the bathroom. "Your welcome, Duo…" And he closed the bedroom door as he headed back down stairs.

#*#

Heero was sitting on the couch, where he had sat the previous night when Zechs had visited. From which he hadn't even gotten up to say goodbye to Zechs when the platinum blonde left. All he could do was stare in front of him running over the events in his mind, and realising just how hugely he had fucked up, just how badly he had lost Duo. Was there even a point to trying to win him back? A sigh escaped his lips as he remembered.

~*~

Heero watched Zechs enter his apartment with a little impatience considering he had been rather content blaming himself for making the biggest fuck up of his life. But Zechs had promised to make sure that Duo didn't do anything too drastic and since that seemed to have been successful, Heero decided he would humour the platinum blonde man. Noticing that the older man seemed nervous and was almost wringing his hands, Heero motioned him to sit.

"Sit Zechs, don't be an idiot."

Pale blue eyes looked back at prussian warily, before sitting down.

"Spill it Zechs, just what do we need to talk about…"

"Duo…"

Heero was suddenly alert and very very curious. Perching himself on the edge of the couch he felt a sudden sense of foreboding and attempted to shrug it off.

"I'm listening…" His voice had caught a little, despite trying to sound strong.

Taking a deep breath, Zechs spoke, while still looking at his hands.

"You need to listen… and not say anything till I'm finished." Looking up he briefly met Heero's eyes. "Can you do that?"

"Yes…" Heero's voice was soft, filled with trepidition.

Another deep breath to steady himself and Zechs began.

"I did what you asked me. I watching him, to take care of him and make sure he didn't do anything stupid… or anything stupid where I might be able to stop him. He's an amazing person Heero, what happened to you crushed him like a ton of bricks. When he found out that you had freely gone to your "death" knowing that the mission may entail that, it destroyed him. Not in the way you might think, it didn't make him lose the will to live or the will to make a difference; it made him hate. Hate you specifically, with a passion; but the sad thing was he couldn't stop loving you either. So he became angry, and only completed the mission to get revenge on the bastards that "killed" you. I set myself up, he used me like a punching bag on occasion and then I managed to get him to actually start trusting me. Now remember you said you'd let me finish." The barely visible nod out of the corner of his eye made Zechs continue straight away. "I fell for your Duo. Hard and completely, and when one night he was close to losing it, I offered to help him in any way I could. And he took me, then and there." Ignoring the gasp from the other end of the couch Zechs forced himself to complete what he had come to say.

"There was no love in it, there was no feeling for him, it was just an act of relief to stop him from performing below optimal level, at least that's what he made sure to tell me. Afterwards he seemed to trust me more, but, somehow, hate himself for what he had done. And I don't think the hatred was because of me… I think it was because he had…well… because I wasn't you… because it was your name he called out." Gathering courage, Zechs raised his eyes to meet Heero's deep ones set in a pale and shocked face.

"You see Heero, he wanted revenge for you, because of the love he had for you, but he wanted revenge for himself because they had taken the most valuable thing in his life from him. The death Habito suffered, isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy, because I think a little of the insanity that leaked into him, leaked out when he did that. You being alive changed everything. His motivation no longer had justification, and he now loathes himself, because of what he put another human through when it wasn't technically deserved. The fact that being dead and not telling him is one big lie in Duo's eyes, a bretrayal of trust, doesn't make me envy your position. But I can tell you one thing." Hope flitted briefly through Heero's eyes.

"He loves you Heero, despite how much he might also hate you… he does love you, just hope it's enough." Zechs stood looking down at Heero's pale face.

"I hope one day to win his friendship back Heero, but I would never have his heart. Work at it, work hard, because you did fuck up… very badly, just be glad you didn't destroy him completely, you might still have a chance."

~*~

And so it was that Heero hadn't moved since Zechs had left.

~Damn it Yuy!…Get off your butt and get it started.~

Having had enough with playing fair, Heero approached his PC set up and began searching for Duo. It didn't take long, and it was probably a breach of trust that would set him further back, but he had to do something; he had to at least try to find Duo, otherwise how would he ever know that Heero did in fact love him and meant every word he said.

As he hopped on his motorcycle a sad smile crossed his face ~ Just keep telling yourself that Yuy, just keep telling yourself that!~

#*#

The woman sat in the waiting room staring at the wall, her husband holding her in his arms trying to soothe her as she whimpered softly, he couldn't get the vision of his son falling into convulsions in the park.

As a doctor entered the room, both parents stood. The man could see it in the doctors eyes, he knew, but didn't want to; his mind couldn't accept it, wouldn't accept it, and he dreaded to know how his wife was going to deal. Motioning them to sit the doctor rubbed a weary hand over his eyes.

"Mr and Mrs Preston… We tried everything we could, but there was nothing we could do for him."

As his wife broke down into heart rending sobs and mutterings of denial, the father fought back the tears, needing answers, needing to find some reason for losing their only child.

"How… but why…" The father tried to make his voice sound strong, and failed miserably, but he didn't care.

"Your son seems to have taken a substance called trillium dust. It looks like a sherbet and tastes almost as sweet. It is a substance that has hit the market very recently, if you could give any thought as to how he would have aquired it…?"

#*#

Gently placing his prized Christmas presents in the boot of the borrowed car, Duo turned to face his friends and say goodbye. They had known that he wouldn't stay for the Christmas period and actual Christmas day, but Quatre still couldn't quite hide the disappointment on his face.

It made Duo laugh a little and he walked up to his best friend and gave him a bear hug.

"Cheer up, Cat…remember we planned New Years?"

A smile spread across the blonde's face.

"Yep, that we did, and no backing out of that one, my friend." Half seriously Quatre shook a finger in Duo's face.

Quickly hugging the other two, though as usual, Trowa, not being the most affectionate, tried to find a way to escape and miserably failed; Wufei it seemed was resigned to the fact that Duo would end up hugging him no matter how hard he tried to avoid it. Duo climbed into the neat little sports car, and smirked out from it.

"Holiday break in meditation, Fei Fei!"

Trying to maintain a serious face failed miserably and Wufei smiled at his friend. "Yes Duo. Merry Christmas."

Revving the engine, the braided man took off down the road absently waving out of the window with one hand, and his friends stood watching the car till it was just a dot on the horizon, each lost in his own thoughts.

Duo's brain was working over time. And it was really starting to annoy him, because all it was insisting on focusing on was Heero, exactly what he was trying to avoid thinking heavily about. As he tried extremely hard to get his mind off the Heero thoughts, his brain zeroed in on the radio news programm in the car.

Focusing his ears on it, he suddenly barked out a laugh at the annoying high pitched girly voice that was coming over the radio.

"Guess you're the only one who will benefit out of this situation Relena…" He shrugged, cracking his neck as he moved. "Wonder how long it'll take her to spin up a plan of action." And despite himself he wondered if Heero would remember what he had promised so long ago. With that last even more annoying thought he flicked and changed the channel. Smiling at the song on the new channel which made him feel much better he sang along with it… drawing strength from music as he had done so often lately, and his thoughts wandered.

~*~

Duo stood with his hands on his hips glaring at Heero as the Prussian eyed youth turned back around from closing the door behind their recently departed unwelcome guest.

"Duo… now…"

But Duo was not going to back down. "No! Don't you 'Duo now' me, Heero. That woman just won't take the fucking hint!"

Taking a deep breath Heero had approached his lover. "She's just lonely Duo, she doesn't really mean all that stuff she says."

Raising an eyebrow Duo began an almost perfect imitation of Relena's voice.

"But Heero, you can't possible say you would prefer to be with the street rat than me. He's corrupted you… I'll make sure he doesn't bother you anymore."

A sigh of resignation escaped Heero's lips, he knew Duo was angry and couldn't really blame him, they had been together long enough and obviously enough that Relena should have been beyond those comments.

"She won't be coming back Duo."

At that Duo's face softened a little and he seemed to perk up. "She… she won't?"

"I told her if she couldn't accept us as we are, then she would not be welcome anymore."

Duo's jaw didn't seem to want to close as he stood there looking at the man he loved. An impish grin crossed the violet eyes youths face as he hurled himself across the room and pounced on Heero, enveloping him in a huge hug that knocked him to the floor with Duo straddling his waist.

"Love you, Heero. Promise me something?"

A laughing grunt escaped his partners lips. "And just what am I promising koi?"

"That next time she comes and tries to persuade you you're better off with her… you'll be less diplomatic and just tell her to fuck off…"

Heero laughed and smiled, reaching up to drag Duo's mouth down for a kiss. "I promise that next time, I will tell her to fuck off, Duo."

~*~

Shaking his head clear of those thoughts Duo pulled into his driveway and climbed out of the car, pulling his beloved gifts with him and trying to make sure he thought about anything but what he had been thinking about.

Of course the fact that he almost tripped over the object he was so diligently trying not to think about as he walked up to his front door, didn't help his situation much.

Placing the guitar and amp gently on the ground he crossed his arms so his shaking wasn't visible and glared at the man sitting on his front steps.

"What the fuck do you want?"

Heero visibly gulped at the tone of Duo's voice, it was so ice cold, so distant, so unlike the Duo he had had before, so different from the Duo that everyone knew. Standing quickly, Heero dusted himself off, searching for words that he hoped weren't going to sound too stupid.

"I just… wanted to… needed to… to see you…"

Gods he knew he sounded lame, and he waited with anticipation as to how Duo would react.

It was all Duo could do to stop from falling into hysterical laughter. He wasn't ready for this confrontation yet, he wasn't ready to face this man here and now. Clenching his arms tighter around himself the braided man hoped that the other wouldn't notice how hard it was for Duo to just stand there and speak, to stand there and not fall to his knees fighting the conflicting emotions running through his body. Controlling his voice was something he had been developing as he was learning his music and it was something he was very grateful for right then.

Managing to fill his voice with just the right amount of contempt and disdain he quite successfully looked down his nose at the slightly taller man.

"You needed? You wanted? How is it I seem to owe you the privilege of giving you what you want and need? How is it you seem to think you should have what you want and need?" Gods if he wasn't careful he knew he was going to start convulsing on the path to his house, and he couldn't afford that, he couldn't be weak, he needed to be strong.

Heero's heart sank even further. But there was something he could see, something that wasn't right with Duo, something that he knew he had been the cause of. So he answered the only way he could.

"I don't, Duo, I don't think you owe me anything, I don't think I deserve anything, but I… I…" He floundered he didn't know what to say without sounding amazingly stupid and self centred. What he wanted to say was so cliché' that he knew Duo would only react with more scorn than he already had. That he loved Duo still more than anything else in the world and the Heero had hurt at the separation as well, was something he knew wouldn't make a difference to Duo. But as well as he had thought he knew Duo, he, for some reason, still couldn't figure out exactly why Duo hadn't understood Heero's actions, hadn't understood the reasoning that Heero had used.

The fact that Heero was so obviously out of his depth, so obviously floundering, almost broke Duo. He almost snapped… almost. Instead he managed to rally his pride and pick up his things and walk to the front door. When he got there he placed them yet again very precisely on the ground and took a deep breath before turning to face the man he still saw in his dreams.

" Heero… you still don't understand do you?"

A sense of frustration spread over Heero's face as he realised that he had to admit defeat in that instance or else risk not hearing what Duo might say, and that it might be something to clue him in as to how to proceed.

"I do… a little, but I don't…and I don't know what to do…I just…"

Duo held up a hand to silence him.

"You betrayed my trust, Heero. You simply chose for me, instead of attributing the intelligence I would need for the mission to me, you decided I wouldn't be smart enough not to let petty competition get in the way of completing my objective. You made an assumtion and boy did you fuck things up." Not allowing himself to stop as Heero blanched, Duo pushed relentlessly ahead. "You ripped me apart, you took something away from me that meant more than anything ever had to me, that had been my rock and my foundation and you left me standing there without my framework, left me there to fall apart. The pain hit me first and all I wanted to do was die, then when I thought you'd done it knowing you could die, I hated you and them for what you did, for taking you away from me. And then to top things off I fucking tortured someone." His voice had only risen slightly and Duo fought to control it, continuing when he had succeeded. "I didn't just kill the bastard Heero, I made his last breath drawn out and painful, inflicting all the pain of those last 18 months on his body because I blamed him. I tortured someone to death… for you. And then I found out it was all one big lie, all one big breach of trust, all one big April fools, if you will. You took me for a ride and expected me to jump back in the car after you'd dropped me off."

Fists clenched next around his forearms, and he fought to stay on balance and standing.

"You cant pick up where you left off Heero. Everything is gone. I don't trust you as far as I could throw you, and that's never been very far."

Heero wanted to sit, wanted to fall, wanted to disappear through the floor. With effort he managed to speak.

"Is there nothing I can do?"

A faint smile crossed Duo's pained expression.

"You already have Heero. You have made me realise I can depend on no one but myself. That I was too dependent before, and that I can only get through this by discovering who I am without you. Before I can even contemplate trusting you again, I need to know who I am without you. I need to be me. And even then I cannot promise you any result in your favour. But if you really mean what you maintain, if you really were that ignorant of how I would react, then I am not the only one who needs to do soul searching."

The hope reflected in Heero's eyes almost undid Duo's resolve.

"And if you really mean what you maintain Heero, then you need to leave me a lot of space to figure myself out. If it helps, I never stopped loving you, but at the same time, part of that passion is definitely invested in hating you, too."

With that Duo turned and unlocked the door, hoping that the shaking of his hands wasn't able to be seen. Not turning around he picked up his belongings and entered his apartment, closing the door behind him with his foot, so that Heero would not see the tears streaming down his face.

Watching the door close behind the man he loved, Heero felt a flicker of hope emerge, but was careful not to let it overwhelm him. He would do anything he could, and everything he could to make up for what he had done…everything.

#*#

A backhand sent the child flying across the room, as the adult glared at him.

"For Christs sake James, you should have paid better attention to your pile. You know the punishment for losing it…be happy it was your own and not sale stock."

The boy whimpered.

"Any idea who took it?"

The boy shook his head as blood began to trickle from his nose.

"Punishment fits the crime. Lets see how you go without for a while."

The door closed on the boy, leaving darkness in its wake. He turned on his side, nursing his face as tears coursed down his cheeks and the fire of longing began in his chest.

#*#

Lady Une couldn't believe the pile of work on the desk in front of her. It was amazing the workload that five young men had been able to take care of… Ever since the Heero death incident her tray got steadily more full. Absently she picked up the phone as it rang, a second later wishing she hadn't, as a shrill voice rang down the line. Not for the first time, she wished she had managed to dispose of the girl, but instead she smiled and responded as was expected.

"Hello Relena, long time no hear."

"Oh Hello Une… say… why did you not inform me that Heero was not dead."

Shit. Just what she didn't need.

"It was a case that required utmost secrecy Relena, it couldn't be helped."

It was almost as if the pout was projected audibly over the phone line.

"Well, is he there? I would like to speak with him, ask him over for dinner, I haven't seen him in such a long time."

Stealing herself from yelling at the girl over the phone Une instead took a light breath and responsed.

"Sorry, Relena, Heero and his fellow Gundam Pilots have all taken a well deserved, undefined leave of absence from Preventers. If you wish to track him down you will have to do so yourself. Terribly sorry, but I do need to get a lot of work done today, we will have to catch up soon."

Conversation finished Une was only left with the thought of hoping that Heero had been coherent enough to organise a very well hidden place for himself… otherwise he was going to be getting who she was sure was a fairly unwelcome visitor one day soonish.

#*#

As the door shut behind him, Duo sank to the floor, pulling his knees to his chest as the tears ran down his face. He hadn't been ready for that, he knew he hadn't been ready for it. All he wanted to do was rip open the door and fling himself at Heero, all he wanted was for Heero to take care of him again, he wanted for there to have been nothing as horrific happen as had happened. But that was a farce. Heero had left him to fend on his own once before, had crushed him and unless Duo was strong enough to be by himself, he knew he couldn't let that happen, he knew he couldn't give in and depend, as much as he may want to.

Pain tore through his chest and he staggered to his feet ignoring the tears still streaming down his face. As he staggered through the lower level of his apartment he stopped to rest at the breakfast bar. Breathing coming in short gasps as he struggled with his emotions, the small niggling feelings in the back of his mind began to take a hold, and his reason tried to maintain a tenuous grip on momentarily fading sanity. And then his eyes fell on the knife…

~~**~~

To be continued

Well there we go… the second chapter… after a LONG fricking wait. Hope you liked it, if you didn't… well… sorry…but that's the chapter I got.

Feed a starving writer… review please!

~Arith