Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Star Light, Star Bright ❯ Chapter 1
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Walking Mouth 
Heero contimplates his soul.
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Suspense | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.29.2001 | Updated On: 08.29.2001 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.6K | Visits: 722 | Status: Completed
Heero contimplates his soul.
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Suspense | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.29.2001 | Updated On: 08.29.2001 | Pages: 2 | Words: 2.6K | Visits: 722 | Status: Completed
Star Light, Star Bright
~*~
Stars burn brightly against a midnight sky but they don't make the darkness any less so. Then again, darkness exists only where light has yet to touch. If it takes a star's light thousands of years to reach the darkest regions of space then perhaps it can be true to say that light will exist everywhere. It could just be a matter of time. Heero rested his hand on his chest, the beating of his heart like a rhythmic drum keeping in step with his life pulse. If even the darkest regions of space could be lit by a distant star then could unseen brightness lift the darkness residing in his soul? He shook his head. Thinking so was like believing that just because a flower existed that it would smell sweet. A flower must have the genes for fragrance just as a star must have the power to be bright enough to travel those thousand miles. His soul was not designed for the light, nor was his destiny to bring life. The opposite was true for both. Where he went, death and darkness followed. His soul must be as dark as space, a black hole in his heart devouring any semblance of humanity and innocence left to him. He rubbed the cold barrel of his pistol, his fingers caressing the metal weapon. Guns had no souls. They killed without feeling, a tool of destruction aimed and fired by someone else's will. Much like himself. The scientists said who, where and when leaving him to do their dirty work. In essence, he was their gun, their weapon of destruction. Maybe it wasn't that his soul was black. He deserved one as much as the gun did. Perhaps the darkness in his heart was only the void where a pure soul should be. He let his fingers wander around the hilt of the gun, his index finding the trigger. So who controlled the "gun" now? Fate? Destiny? Himself? Heero allowed a small smirk to fall upon his solemn face. Since when had the choice been his? Ninmu ryoukai. Like a broken record. Ninmu kanryou. Mission accepted, mission completed. Orders were orders and were to be carried out even at the risk of his own life. He'd been trained to kill and taught to self-destruct when appropriate. Heero looked to the stars, envying their brightness. Tonight seemed appropriate enough.
"Hey, Heero?"
He turned, tucking the pistol under a pillow on the window seat. "What is it?" He squinted his eyes, the light on the hallway contrasting greatly with lack of which his eyes had grown accustomed to. He still knew who stood there in the open door way. The stance, the voice, the ever present braid that seemed as much an extension of the boy's personality as the smile on his cheeky face. It all pointed to the devil-may-care baka he knew as Duo.
"Can I come in?"
Heero sighed and turned back to stair out his opened window, "What do you want?"
Taking that as an invitation, Duo entered the room and softly closed the door behind him. "I was outside with the others and I saw thought I saw you sitting there. Guess I was right, ne?"
Heero was unamused.
"Um, yeah. Well, anyway, ya kinda looked like you could use a friend from down there. Something bothering you?"
Heero kept his gaze steady and away from the newcomer, "Why do you care."
"Because I do. I know that look on your face. I've seen Quatre wear it, Trowa wear it and on occasion, even Wufei. It's the 'Why do I even bother fighting' look. I never thought I'd see it on you, though. It's depressing as hell. I wanna help ya if I can. If you'll let me."
Heero smirked, "What? No jokes or relentless prattle?"
"I can't be the court jester all the time. Only when necessary," Duo sat down on the other side of the window seat letting his arm rest on the cill. "You don't look like you need that from anyone right now. So, are you going to let me help you?"
"I don't need help from anyone." Heero spat, "You couldn't understand anyway."
Duo sighed and leaned back against the wall, his eyes staring at Heero with concern, "You won't even give me the benefit of the doubt let alone a chance? I understand a lot more than you might think, Heero Yuy."
You can't possibly understand. Your soul is still so jubilant.
"Heero,"
Heero looked at Duo for the first time since he'd joined him in the dark room. No smile found from his heart shaped face and his eyes had lost their mischievous glimmer. He just sat there, almost a mirror of Heero's own expression.
"Heero, for once, don't brush me aside. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, I'm here." Duo pounded him on the back, "And I'm not moving till you pull that stick from your ass and tell me what your real problem is."
Heero turned back, resigned but not eager to tell, "Duo, do you believe in souls?"
Duo hadn't expected that. He leaned forward so as to not miss some secret meaning in the monotonous voice or a single word that escaped the thin lips which tried to hold on to secrecy. "Souls? You mean like a person's spiritual essence?"
Heero nodded his reply.
"Yeah, I guess so. Why?"
"Do you believe that a person's soul can be tarnished beyond repair? Blackened by deeds?"
Duo's eyes widened in comprehension, "Oh... we're talking about your soul, aren't we Heero."
It wasn't a question. Heero remained silent. There was no need to respond.
"Heero, you feel bad about all the killing, don't you?"
Silent replies.
Duo took a deep breath and scooted closer to his friend, laying a hand on his cold shoulder, "Heero, in my experience, a soul is never as black as its bearer believes it to be. It's your remorse and guilt which make your heart pure. If you never felt bad about the deeds you did and will have done then you will never acknowledge their evil." Duo sighed at Heero's lack of response, "I'm probably confusing you with all this philosophical junk but what I'm trying to say is that because you know what we're doing in bad, then somewhere in that perfect soldier is a heart that cares. You see, your soul isn't dark, just shadowed by your remorse. I follow the same path of endless destruction as you do. Do you think of me as cruel and unfeeling?"
"No."
Ah, so I do have your attention then. Duo thought with a smile. "Then why do you hold yourself to such contempt. We're not so different, you know? Both our pasts are littered by senseless deaths cause in one way or another, either directly or inadvertently, by ourselves. The only difference is the way we cope with our actions and feelings. You block everything out, thinking that only by distancing yourself from others can you be sure to not hurt them. Wanna know something, Heero? Sometimes being ignored or kept at a distance can hurt people too. I'm not saying you're wrong. Every mean has it's fault. Take mine for example. I run, I hide but I never lie. Don't suppose you've ever wondered exactly what I'm running away from."
Heero turned towards him, genuine interest written in his eyes.
"I run from myself. It's because I get so close to others that they die. I'm like a disease. Everything I touch withers and fades away to nothing. I don't suppose you know what it's like to hate yourself."
"Yes.... I do."
Duo's hand tightened around his shoulder, "Then you know there's nothing you can do when your worst enemy is the person you seen in your reflection every morning." he sighed, his feet becoming extremely interesting all of a sudden,
"So I run away from myself, become someone different who couldn't possibly hurt those he cares for. I hide behind smiles and laughter. I don't want anyone to be as unhappy as I am. If my smile, even a fake one, can brighten someone's day then so be it. I'll continue to hide behind them. But I never lie about what I do and have done. I kill. That's why I've become the god of death. What better way to face the truth then to become it?" he paused, biting him bottom lip, "I know it's a rather round about way of saying it but every mask we use has it's weakness. Because I'm so open with the facts, I'm easily depressed by them. It's kinda funny... no matter how many loved ones I loose, I never learn that attachments lead to disappointments and grief."
Heero shook his head, "You don't believe that."
"Maybe not, "He scooted closer to Heero who seemed to not have any objection to it, "It's an unlearned lesson I've never acknowledged. I still grow fond of people, despite the truth."
"You just keep running." Heero turned and looked at him, rewarded by a small smile.
"It's a cycle. Just like yours."
"In what way?"
Duo took his hand from Heero's shoulder and wrapped both arms tightly around his knees which were pulled to his chest, "You keep away from people 'cause you don't want to hurt them, you don't want to care. By doing that you hurt people who care about you. Your sympathy, though you claim to not have any, makes you care about the people you hurt."
Heero shook his head, "So what your saying is that no matter what I do, I'm going to care and people are going to hurt."
"It's one of life's inevitability's, "Duo smiled, "People need people."
"Even a soldier?"
He turned his head and looked warmly into Heero's serious face, "Even you, Heero Yuy."
Prussian and Amethyst stayed locked for seconds more, unspoken words of understanding passing between them.
"Do you think my soul is black, Duo?" Heero said at last. "Or is there hope?"
"There's always hope. It's what God gave us from when things seem bleak. He also gave us forgiveness."
Heero gave a curt laugh, "I thought you didn't believe in a God."
Duo looked up at the night sky, a far away stair on his face, "I believe that not everything can be explained by science and that something more powerful than man exists. To say life is just a mistake of nature or a coincidence brought on by chance is just too depressing. At least with a God, things have a purpose."
"And what purpose do death and wars have?" Heero exploded, turning the full force of his inner furry on his partner. He pushed Duo hard, sending him to the floor with a loud thump. Heero clenched his fists at his side, his eyes narrowed in torment. "Can't answer that one, can you." Heero fumed. Duo wasn't supposed to be this wise. He wasn't supposed to be able to understand and help him! Duo was... Duo! Heero looked at him on the floor, the beaten look in the amethyst confusing his senses. Shouldn't he feel victorious? Duo needed to be put back into his place. So why did his heart feel so heavy then?
Duo looked up from his place on the ground, a sad look on his face, "Oh Heero...."
The said boy turned away.
"Heero... nobody knows why. The future gain might be greater than the present loss. Or, it could be as simple as the fact that because of this war, I met you."
Heero sat straight, stunned. He opened his mouth but no sound came out.
Duo remained on the floor, "Not everything works according to reason. You're the best thing that's happened to me since my days at the church. It may be selfish to say so but if I had to choose between a life without being your friend or this war, I'd pick this road."
"Seriously?"
Duo smiled, "Don't act so surprised. Your my best friend, Heero. I don't know what I would have done or where I'd be if it wasn't for you."
Heero slid off the window seat and onto the floor beside Duo, "I've done nothing but treat you like an insignificant member of a lower life form."
"Perhaps," he reached out with one hand and cupped the side of the other boy's face, "But sometimes you smile at me, acknowledge my presence. Ever since that first time I saw you smile I've been trying to see it again. I like your smile. Yeah, it hurts to be ignored, but every once and while there are times like these when I feel like maybe I mean something to you. That I'm not just another soldier. That maybe you think of me as a friend too." he pulled his hand back and smiled, "As long as there are those moments, I can forget the pain your silence can cause."
"Duo?"
"Hm?"
Heero hung his head, "Of all the people I've tried to block out, your the first one I've let in and the last one I wanted to hurt."
"That means a lot to me, Heero. Arigato."
"You don't understand, " Heero stood and walked back to the window seat,
"Friendship was taught to me as a liability. By letting you in I've gone against everything I've been taught and believed."
Duo stood as well but made no move to sit beside him again, "Then why did you?"
"I'm not sure there is a real reason behind it. I just wanted to. That's the only excuse I can think of."
"Not an excuse, Heero. That's a reason in itself. An excuse in simply another word for justification. Reason needs no justification. Like emotions. You can't justify friendship. It just is."
"If that's so then why is it so hard to accept."
"Changes sometimes are."
Heero turned, his face highlighted by the moons light, "Duo... you're the best reason I have for going against my teachings."
Duo blushed and forced himself to turn away, "You just needed a new teacher."
"No," Heero stood and walked over to him, "No more of those. I just need a friend."
"And I'll always be here for you." he turned, finding himself lost once more in the prussian stair, "As long as your willing to talk... I'll be here to understand."
Heero smiled, unable to keep the genuine expression from his lips.
Duo did the same, "Um.. it's really late. I should be going to bed.... I suppose. Sleep tight Heero." he strolled to the door and opened it, pausing before the hall to turn back, "And don't worry about your soul. It's just fine in my opinion and as your friend, mines the only opinion you need worry about save your own."
Heero nodded and watched as Duo stepped out and closed the door behind him. Alone again, Heero's mind returned to the gun stashed beneath the pillows. He moved to it and placed it in his hand. The metal seemed colder somehow, less real. He carried it to his dresser and placed it in the top drawer. He had no need for it anymore. Not tonight. He looked once more out the window and was no longer envious of the night sky. There'd be no more darkness in his soul. He'd found his star.
~*~
Stars burn brightly against a midnight sky but they don't make the darkness any less so. Then again, darkness exists only where light has yet to touch. If it takes a star's light thousands of years to reach the darkest regions of space then perhaps it can be true to say that light will exist everywhere. It could just be a matter of time. Heero rested his hand on his chest, the beating of his heart like a rhythmic drum keeping in step with his life pulse. If even the darkest regions of space could be lit by a distant star then could unseen brightness lift the darkness residing in his soul? He shook his head. Thinking so was like believing that just because a flower existed that it would smell sweet. A flower must have the genes for fragrance just as a star must have the power to be bright enough to travel those thousand miles. His soul was not designed for the light, nor was his destiny to bring life. The opposite was true for both. Where he went, death and darkness followed. His soul must be as dark as space, a black hole in his heart devouring any semblance of humanity and innocence left to him. He rubbed the cold barrel of his pistol, his fingers caressing the metal weapon. Guns had no souls. They killed without feeling, a tool of destruction aimed and fired by someone else's will. Much like himself. The scientists said who, where and when leaving him to do their dirty work. In essence, he was their gun, their weapon of destruction. Maybe it wasn't that his soul was black. He deserved one as much as the gun did. Perhaps the darkness in his heart was only the void where a pure soul should be. He let his fingers wander around the hilt of the gun, his index finding the trigger. So who controlled the "gun" now? Fate? Destiny? Himself? Heero allowed a small smirk to fall upon his solemn face. Since when had the choice been his? Ninmu ryoukai. Like a broken record. Ninmu kanryou. Mission accepted, mission completed. Orders were orders and were to be carried out even at the risk of his own life. He'd been trained to kill and taught to self-destruct when appropriate. Heero looked to the stars, envying their brightness. Tonight seemed appropriate enough.
"Hey, Heero?"
He turned, tucking the pistol under a pillow on the window seat. "What is it?" He squinted his eyes, the light on the hallway contrasting greatly with lack of which his eyes had grown accustomed to. He still knew who stood there in the open door way. The stance, the voice, the ever present braid that seemed as much an extension of the boy's personality as the smile on his cheeky face. It all pointed to the devil-may-care baka he knew as Duo.
"Can I come in?"
Heero sighed and turned back to stair out his opened window, "What do you want?"
Taking that as an invitation, Duo entered the room and softly closed the door behind him. "I was outside with the others and I saw thought I saw you sitting there. Guess I was right, ne?"
Heero was unamused.
"Um, yeah. Well, anyway, ya kinda looked like you could use a friend from down there. Something bothering you?"
Heero kept his gaze steady and away from the newcomer, "Why do you care."
"Because I do. I know that look on your face. I've seen Quatre wear it, Trowa wear it and on occasion, even Wufei. It's the 'Why do I even bother fighting' look. I never thought I'd see it on you, though. It's depressing as hell. I wanna help ya if I can. If you'll let me."
Heero smirked, "What? No jokes or relentless prattle?"
"I can't be the court jester all the time. Only when necessary," Duo sat down on the other side of the window seat letting his arm rest on the cill. "You don't look like you need that from anyone right now. So, are you going to let me help you?"
"I don't need help from anyone." Heero spat, "You couldn't understand anyway."
Duo sighed and leaned back against the wall, his eyes staring at Heero with concern, "You won't even give me the benefit of the doubt let alone a chance? I understand a lot more than you might think, Heero Yuy."
You can't possibly understand. Your soul is still so jubilant.
"Heero,"
Heero looked at Duo for the first time since he'd joined him in the dark room. No smile found from his heart shaped face and his eyes had lost their mischievous glimmer. He just sat there, almost a mirror of Heero's own expression.
"Heero, for once, don't brush me aside. Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, I'm here." Duo pounded him on the back, "And I'm not moving till you pull that stick from your ass and tell me what your real problem is."
Heero turned back, resigned but not eager to tell, "Duo, do you believe in souls?"
Duo hadn't expected that. He leaned forward so as to not miss some secret meaning in the monotonous voice or a single word that escaped the thin lips which tried to hold on to secrecy. "Souls? You mean like a person's spiritual essence?"
Heero nodded his reply.
"Yeah, I guess so. Why?"
"Do you believe that a person's soul can be tarnished beyond repair? Blackened by deeds?"
Duo's eyes widened in comprehension, "Oh... we're talking about your soul, aren't we Heero."
It wasn't a question. Heero remained silent. There was no need to respond.
"Heero, you feel bad about all the killing, don't you?"
Silent replies.
Duo took a deep breath and scooted closer to his friend, laying a hand on his cold shoulder, "Heero, in my experience, a soul is never as black as its bearer believes it to be. It's your remorse and guilt which make your heart pure. If you never felt bad about the deeds you did and will have done then you will never acknowledge their evil." Duo sighed at Heero's lack of response, "I'm probably confusing you with all this philosophical junk but what I'm trying to say is that because you know what we're doing in bad, then somewhere in that perfect soldier is a heart that cares. You see, your soul isn't dark, just shadowed by your remorse. I follow the same path of endless destruction as you do. Do you think of me as cruel and unfeeling?"
"No."
Ah, so I do have your attention then. Duo thought with a smile. "Then why do you hold yourself to such contempt. We're not so different, you know? Both our pasts are littered by senseless deaths cause in one way or another, either directly or inadvertently, by ourselves. The only difference is the way we cope with our actions and feelings. You block everything out, thinking that only by distancing yourself from others can you be sure to not hurt them. Wanna know something, Heero? Sometimes being ignored or kept at a distance can hurt people too. I'm not saying you're wrong. Every mean has it's fault. Take mine for example. I run, I hide but I never lie. Don't suppose you've ever wondered exactly what I'm running away from."
Heero turned towards him, genuine interest written in his eyes.
"I run from myself. It's because I get so close to others that they die. I'm like a disease. Everything I touch withers and fades away to nothing. I don't suppose you know what it's like to hate yourself."
"Yes.... I do."
Duo's hand tightened around his shoulder, "Then you know there's nothing you can do when your worst enemy is the person you seen in your reflection every morning." he sighed, his feet becoming extremely interesting all of a sudden,
"So I run away from myself, become someone different who couldn't possibly hurt those he cares for. I hide behind smiles and laughter. I don't want anyone to be as unhappy as I am. If my smile, even a fake one, can brighten someone's day then so be it. I'll continue to hide behind them. But I never lie about what I do and have done. I kill. That's why I've become the god of death. What better way to face the truth then to become it?" he paused, biting him bottom lip, "I know it's a rather round about way of saying it but every mask we use has it's weakness. Because I'm so open with the facts, I'm easily depressed by them. It's kinda funny... no matter how many loved ones I loose, I never learn that attachments lead to disappointments and grief."
Heero shook his head, "You don't believe that."
"Maybe not, "He scooted closer to Heero who seemed to not have any objection to it, "It's an unlearned lesson I've never acknowledged. I still grow fond of people, despite the truth."
"You just keep running." Heero turned and looked at him, rewarded by a small smile.
"It's a cycle. Just like yours."
"In what way?"
Duo took his hand from Heero's shoulder and wrapped both arms tightly around his knees which were pulled to his chest, "You keep away from people 'cause you don't want to hurt them, you don't want to care. By doing that you hurt people who care about you. Your sympathy, though you claim to not have any, makes you care about the people you hurt."
Heero shook his head, "So what your saying is that no matter what I do, I'm going to care and people are going to hurt."
"It's one of life's inevitability's, "Duo smiled, "People need people."
"Even a soldier?"
He turned his head and looked warmly into Heero's serious face, "Even you, Heero Yuy."
Prussian and Amethyst stayed locked for seconds more, unspoken words of understanding passing between them.
"Do you think my soul is black, Duo?" Heero said at last. "Or is there hope?"
"There's always hope. It's what God gave us from when things seem bleak. He also gave us forgiveness."
Heero gave a curt laugh, "I thought you didn't believe in a God."
Duo looked up at the night sky, a far away stair on his face, "I believe that not everything can be explained by science and that something more powerful than man exists. To say life is just a mistake of nature or a coincidence brought on by chance is just too depressing. At least with a God, things have a purpose."
"And what purpose do death and wars have?" Heero exploded, turning the full force of his inner furry on his partner. He pushed Duo hard, sending him to the floor with a loud thump. Heero clenched his fists at his side, his eyes narrowed in torment. "Can't answer that one, can you." Heero fumed. Duo wasn't supposed to be this wise. He wasn't supposed to be able to understand and help him! Duo was... Duo! Heero looked at him on the floor, the beaten look in the amethyst confusing his senses. Shouldn't he feel victorious? Duo needed to be put back into his place. So why did his heart feel so heavy then?
Duo looked up from his place on the ground, a sad look on his face, "Oh Heero...."
The said boy turned away.
"Heero... nobody knows why. The future gain might be greater than the present loss. Or, it could be as simple as the fact that because of this war, I met you."
Heero sat straight, stunned. He opened his mouth but no sound came out.
Duo remained on the floor, "Not everything works according to reason. You're the best thing that's happened to me since my days at the church. It may be selfish to say so but if I had to choose between a life without being your friend or this war, I'd pick this road."
"Seriously?"
Duo smiled, "Don't act so surprised. Your my best friend, Heero. I don't know what I would have done or where I'd be if it wasn't for you."
Heero slid off the window seat and onto the floor beside Duo, "I've done nothing but treat you like an insignificant member of a lower life form."
"Perhaps," he reached out with one hand and cupped the side of the other boy's face, "But sometimes you smile at me, acknowledge my presence. Ever since that first time I saw you smile I've been trying to see it again. I like your smile. Yeah, it hurts to be ignored, but every once and while there are times like these when I feel like maybe I mean something to you. That I'm not just another soldier. That maybe you think of me as a friend too." he pulled his hand back and smiled, "As long as there are those moments, I can forget the pain your silence can cause."
"Duo?"
"Hm?"
Heero hung his head, "Of all the people I've tried to block out, your the first one I've let in and the last one I wanted to hurt."
"That means a lot to me, Heero. Arigato."
"You don't understand, " Heero stood and walked back to the window seat,
"Friendship was taught to me as a liability. By letting you in I've gone against everything I've been taught and believed."
Duo stood as well but made no move to sit beside him again, "Then why did you?"
"I'm not sure there is a real reason behind it. I just wanted to. That's the only excuse I can think of."
"Not an excuse, Heero. That's a reason in itself. An excuse in simply another word for justification. Reason needs no justification. Like emotions. You can't justify friendship. It just is."
"If that's so then why is it so hard to accept."
"Changes sometimes are."
Heero turned, his face highlighted by the moons light, "Duo... you're the best reason I have for going against my teachings."
Duo blushed and forced himself to turn away, "You just needed a new teacher."
"No," Heero stood and walked over to him, "No more of those. I just need a friend."
"And I'll always be here for you." he turned, finding himself lost once more in the prussian stair, "As long as your willing to talk... I'll be here to understand."
Heero smiled, unable to keep the genuine expression from his lips.
Duo did the same, "Um.. it's really late. I should be going to bed.... I suppose. Sleep tight Heero." he strolled to the door and opened it, pausing before the hall to turn back, "And don't worry about your soul. It's just fine in my opinion and as your friend, mines the only opinion you need worry about save your own."
Heero nodded and watched as Duo stepped out and closed the door behind him. Alone again, Heero's mind returned to the gun stashed beneath the pillows. He moved to it and placed it in his hand. The metal seemed colder somehow, less real. He carried it to his dresser and placed it in the top drawer. He had no need for it anymore. Not tonight. He looked once more out the window and was no longer envious of the night sky. There'd be no more darkness in his soul. He'd found his star.