Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Subjects of My Sanity ❯ Locked Away ( Chapter 9 )

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Gundam Wing Characters, and all that other good stuff.

Pairings: 2+1 soon, maybe more later… definitely will be more pairings later on, like 3+4... just not for awhile.

Warning: Yaoi (later), bad language, self hatred, angst and a lot of other things in later chapters too.

Authors Note: Nothing, Nothing, enjoy, enjoy!

Thank you for Reviewing! >.< didn't have time today to respond to any of them… gomen.

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Locked Away

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~Subject: Heero Yuy~

My feet hit the pavement, making a slapping sound as I ran in the direction of the orphanage. The cold wind stung at my eyes, causing me to blink hard with every deep breath I took. I don't really know why I was running… running away. Maybe I was scared… of what had happened. Sure, in many people's views… what had happened wouldn't be considered bad. But, I am not the majority of people… I don't see things the same.

I guess I really was scared… only for the fact that I had actually liked what had happened. Only a few moments ago… yet it seemed like it was much farther away.

I don't even remember falling asleep… not that anyone ever remembers falling. I did, however, remember trying desperately to stay awake. As we had sat down to watch the stupid movie in Duo's so called 'room', my eyes had then decided to slide shut and they didn't want to open again, making me realize that I was exhausted. And who wouldn't be worn out when dragged around town by a torturing braid? Well, some people wouldn't, but I was not used to that much social activity.

I don't know how much time had past, when I finally woke up. Someone was shouting, it sounded muffled slightly, like I was hearing it through a wall. I didn't want to open my eyes. And that was the first thing that threw me. Not wanting to wake up… a feeling I hadn't experienced in a long time. I was warm, and wanted to move even closer to it. That's when I opened my eyes… and saw where I was… remembered what I was doing here. Violet eyes had looked down at me… I think I freaked out. The next event went by in a blur. My hand had automatically shot out, me almost strangling the boy who had just a few minutes ago been holding me.

I might have killed him.

As I lay panting on my bed, finally having found my way home, in the dark, I shut my eyes tightly, trying to will away these horrible feelings. The cold air of my room had me freezing once again… and I was edgy… because deep inside I wanted to be held by Duo again… I wanted to feel how I did when asleep… the feeling of not wanting to awaken.

I was addicted… with only one little touch… I wanted more… and it hurt. It hurt knowing that I couldn't go back to that moment. Go back to being warm.

I had tried to kill him. Would I have succeeded if Quatre had not brought me from my angry thoughts?

Yes.

I would have killed him.

I rolled over, leaning off the side of the bed to retrieve the object hidden underneath. The old worn laptop, if you could even call it that. All four edges were chipped, a dent rested in the center of its black surface. Even though it looked like that, it was still my most prized possession. I'd found it at an old shop, selling used merchandise. The owner was about ready to throw the thing away, for the reason that it didn't work properly, sometimes wouldn't even turn on. I had fell in love with it though, and saved up to buy it… expensive, that damn crappy looking thing was. I would spend hours playing with it, fixing it up so that it was usable once again. It took me months to get it the way I wanted, and for some reason, I was disappointed when it was finished… I guess I kinda liked working on it. My mind had played over the thought of breaking it again so I would have something to do. But, that seemed to be pretty unreasonable.

I smiled slightly as I opened the top piece, hitting the button on the side to turn the old machine on. It took a while to flick to life, a couple minutes to load. That never really bothered me, it wasn't like I had anywhere to be in a hurry. I opened up the document I had not used in a while, opening the journal I had started when the laptop had just been completed. There were not many entries, probably for the fact that I felt foolish having something resembling a diary. But tonight, I think there was actually something worth writing, and besides, it would take up a lot of time.

An hour later had me placing the worn laptop under the bed, my eyes glued to the ceiling as I lay back down. I shivered, wrapping my thin blanket around me more tightly. I don't think I slept all that much that night, laying on my bed, that horrible scene running over and over in my mind. Duo's wide eyes as I pushed him back into the couch… Duo's hands desperately pulling at mine… trying to get me to stop choking him…

Yes… I wouldn't have wanted to go to sleep that night. Dreams always followed bad memories. And I did not plan to welcome them. I did not need to be reminded once again of what I am slowly becoming… for now… I'll just try and forget that that night never happened… but trying may me too hard.

I did fall asleep. Just as dawn was slowly approaching. I couldn't stop the tiredness any longer. My drooping eyes, which had been staring at the same spot for hours, finally closed.

And I dreamed, just like I had wished not to. Horrible dreams of my past… things I had forgotten… the dirty little kid always causing trouble…

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"Heero! Heero, you stop that this instant!"

I looked up to see an angry woman making her way towards me. Why… why did she have that look in her eye? The one they all did… the people who hated me. But who was she?

'What did I do?'

"You stop crying, boy! You know better!"

'Was I crying?'

My hands came up to touch my cheeks, I didn't feel any tears…

She was right on me now, picking me up off the ground by the collar of my shirt like I was nothing. Harshly throwing me on my feet, she yelled, "No one's gonna want to adopt you if you keep this up young man!" Her fierce tone sent me cringing backwards… wanting more than anything to get away from her.

'What had I done?'

I was being pulled, I don't know where. But my feet carried me, forcing me to follow the angry woman as she made her way into the orphanage.

'Orphanage? So this is where I am.'

Things went by in a blur, I could barely see anything as we made our way through the dim hallways. Oh yeah… I was supposedly crying. A door opened, a door closed, I was shoved into the waiting room of an office. I knew this room… I had been there often enough. Always getting in trouble, kind of reminded me of the principles office.

There were hushed voices from inside the next room. The room the angry lady had gone into. She was talking to someone, yelling at someone… I wanted to hear… wanted to know what they were saying about me. My feet… my small feet carried me to the door, closer to the voices. I thought it weird that I was only a little bit taller than the handle, making me feel short… small, something I should not have been feeling.

"I don't know what we are going to do with him! He can't get along with any of the children, cry's when things go wrong! All the older kids find it funny to pick on him!"

She was yelling… so angry…

"Martha! Calm yourself." That was a new voice… someone I did not know.

Who were these people?

"He threw a child off of the roof! Gave another a black eye! And you think I should be calm?"

'That wasn't me… I was framed… why didn't they believe me?'

"The shed is underground, the roof only stands two feet off the ground, you know that."

"But think what would have happened if it was higher! He is dangerous I tell you! What is your excuse for the fight he got into, huh? Something has to be done! No one will ever adopt him, so we can throw that right out the window!"

'Why? Why doesn't anyone want me?'

"Martha, calm down. You still don't know that for sure."

"I pray every day! Every day that he leaves us. Do you know that? After that incident where the little Thompson boy almost drowned!"

'That wasn't me… that wasn't me…'

"We don't know if he had anything to do with that…"

"Don't know? He was the only one there! What more proof can you get? We need to discipline him, take him to a detention hall of some sorts! They got places for juveniles like him!"

"Martha! He is only seven!"

"We can't honestly have him staying with the other boys anymore and we don't have anymore spare rooms to give him. Did you know a couple of his roommates came to me, begging me to kick him out. They were crying their little eyes out! Do you know why? Because they are afraid of him, afraid that he will hurt them when they are sleeping!"

'I didn't do anything! I didn't… I didn't…'

A voice in my head was crying, sobbing. Or was it really in my head… I think I could feel the tears now, running down my cheek. The pain welling inside of me.

'No! I have to stop crying… the lady told me too…' The small voice shrieked inside my mind. 'She said I wouldn't get adopted if I didn't stop! I have to get adopted… I need to get away from these mean people.'

'Stop… stop… can't… cry'

The small voice was getting weaker… I was walking now… following a different person. One who I can't remember. I couldn't remember any of these people. She was leading me somewhere…

'No… no I don't want to go there… It's too cold! Don't leave me here!'

A door closed in front of me. My stuff left on the floor to put away… in my new room. Away from everyone… I was left alone…

A small cot rested only a foot behind me… so small… I could barely move in here… could barely breath…

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My eyes snapped open, my body quickly shooting upwards, mouth open, gasping for breath, lungs feeling like I had been holding the air in. Sweat drenched, freezing from the mornings air, I laid back down on my not so warm bed. After what seemed like an hour, brain trying to come back, I finally calmed myself enough to mentally scold myself. I knew I shouldn't have slept… bad dreams always come… bad dreams never leave me.

I got up, shivering slightly as I did so. The sun was hanging high in the sky, telling me that it must have been around noon. I've probably missed breakfast, possibly lunch too. That wasn't abnormal, I usually ate when everyone else didn't. It was just one of those things that I couldn't help. I liked the silence, like not having to listen to idiot jabber across the table while enjoying my meal. I'm sure no one else minded, seeing as most had forgotten about me. I wonder if the cook even knows who she is setting food out for, late every day?

Probably not, no one ever cares anyway.

True… I guess.

I shook my head, stopping those train of thoughts. You'd think I was trying to feel sorry for myself. But, that was not something I did, seeing as I like this way of life. I liked living in the dark, so to speak… at least… I think I did. I can't really remember how it was back when I first got here. I can not recall when those memories took place, the ones in my dreams. It's like… I had purposely forgotten them. I never thought that it was strange that I didn't remember much of my childhood… only the key parts, the important information stuck. At least, that is what I thought. But those dreams kept coming lately, reminding me of how it used to be.

My mind drifted to the one I just had. It was familiar, but no matter how hard I try, I could not admit that it was really me. It felt like that had happened to someone else, and I only watched from the outside… like I was never really involved. I watched the little boy, crying… and I kept thinking that I would never cry… I had never cried before, so that could not have been me. But then, it could always be because I just blocked those thoughts out… somehow… it was all too confusing.

Confusing, or you just think to much.

Shut up.

My stomach growled as I slipped on a pair of pants. All those thoughts must have been making me hungry, surprisingly. Its been awhile since I actually ate because of hunger… probably because that long haired idiot drug us all over town, exhausting us. Sighing, I ran a hand through my messy hair, my daily routine was ruined. I should have been up hours ago, finishing my chores, like always.

Shit.

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~Subject: Trowa Barton~

The orphanage was chilly, like the bottom floor always is. It seems that all the heat goes up to the top , where all the rooms are. No one is ever down here other than to eat anyways, that is why they have never really been concerned with the freezing temperatures. I looked down the silent halls as I entered, searching for any sign of movement. No one seemed to be awake… yet I knew that someone was still up… if only I could find him….

I had followed after Heero, a ways behind him considering the fact that he was running full speed and I was just walking. But, I didn't really think it wise to trail that closely behind him anyway, not with that crazed mind set he had only moments ago.

I'd never seen someone freak out quite like that before, a small boy can turn deadly in a split second of fright… it was amazing. Duo, as I watched him, being strangled… choking and glaring at me to help him… I didn't do anything. There he sat, afraid that he was going to be strangled to death, the person who seemed to want to die… I felt he should really think on that… yes, I hoped he would understand why I hadn't helped him. I wanted him to see, that he was afraid to die. I wanted him to understand that it is not pretty. He had looked over to me, as if asking for help. Must have thought it odd that I just smirked at him. It was pretty amusing.

I had a run in with a boy similar to Duo once. A roommate of mine that was a little messed up in the head. He got sent to some treatment facility after the second attempt on his life… and mine. I would never forget waking up to my room filled with smoke. It seems that he was having a toilet paper bonfire in our bathroom. He had locked himself in and even though he was screaming his head off, he would not open the door. I had run to get help, I wasn't about to press my luck banging open a solid wooden door to save the weird kid. Plus, I was only about nine at the time, did not have much muscle on me.

That was the last of the private bathrooms, most of the old ones were turned into closets. I think it was because they were afraid of another incident like that happening, I guess, a lot of people here are suffering from depression. So now we all had to share the big bathrooms, old rooms turned into shower stalls and such. A waste of money if you asked me.

Somewhere, along the lines of my crazy roommates leave, I began to watch people more. Look at them in a whole different light. I remember staring at a girl for hours, only because she had this weird habit of twitching her eyes. It became somewhat of a game, to see if I could figure these people out. I'd categorize them into groups, the weird kids, the normal ones, rich one, snobby, stuck up, shy. One of these days, I might just purposely act somewhat crazy so I could be put into a mental institution. Just think of all the amusing subjects that would be there. Yes, that would be a pretty stupid thing to do. Maybe I should just go the easy way and become a shrink, helping the weirdo's. I could see myself doing that. Well, except for the one problem of communication.

I sighed heavily, running a hand loosely through my bangs. There was, so far, no sign of Heero. The quiet darkness of this place at night was also a little creepy, I decided that it might be best to just continue my search tomorrow. Maybe then could I ask around… maybe find out from the head why I hadn't seen Heero in all of a year.

As I made my way towards the stairs, I heard a strange clicking sound coming from… somewhere. It didn't sound like a clock… more like a fast tapping, with no rhythm whatsoever. I stood, frozen, listening… trying to find the source. It seemed… as if it was coming through the wall. I pressed my ear against the cold surface. Nope… definitely wasn't in the wall. So where was it coming from?

I decided to backtrack the way I came in, since the sound seemed to lead in that direction. I made my way along, pausing after a couple seconds, in order to hear where the noise was coming from. It was so light that I could barely hear it over the sound of my shoes on the hard wood floor.

A couple hallways later, I seemed to find what I was looking for. The source of the strange sound. An old closet room by the back entrance showed a slither of light underneath its door. Someone was obviously awake at this hour. But in a closet? And for some reason, I knew exactly who it was.

Now what to do next…

TBC.

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Sorry about the lateness of this chapter. I was finishing up my other fic. Hope you enjoyed! Please tell me what you thought!