Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Survival ❯ Sorrow Renewed ( Chapter 37 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Sorrow Renewed

And the final chapter, for better or worse… be warned that I prefer neither traditionally happy endings or tragedies; life usually ends up falling somewhere in between, and in a different way for every person involved.

Enjoy. And maybe one of you will actually review this time?

December 4th 197 - Monday - Amsterdam - Roughly 10:45am

Milliardo rubbed tiredly at his eyes as the connection died; Relena had been startlingly cool towards him despite the disaster her plan had turned into. She offered no remorse, no apology… and refused to say more about where she was beyond the fact that it was a previously arranged safe house and that they were quite removed from the panic lancing across the city.

When he had tried to rage at her for her stupid lack of caution she had bitingly informed him that she was aware, as Colonel Miller was currently in the emergency room. That had made him pause, knowing as he did how close of friends the two had become before he asked for his condition, mind whirling at the idea that he might be losing yet another of his few friends. Her icily flat voice had done little to assure him, stating that last she knew he hadn't regained consciousness yet. Giving him no more detail, she had curtly informed him that she would contact him in the afternoon when it might be safe to move again, and had ended the call.

He wanted to ask where she had learned to be so frigid, but he was fairly certain that the answer was from him.

Well, at least she was safe, even if Jake wasn't… and he had brought along that contingent of men incase Miller led him on a wild goose chase, and they might as well aid in relief efforts along with the local troops he'd already deployed.

***

Amsterdam - Safe house motel

Relena closed her eyes, chest shuddering after she ended the call and tossed her phone onto the bed, leaning back against the wall. That had been… hard. She let out a slow, deep breath, trying to calm the hitching in her voice that might lead to sobs, and covered her face with her one good hand. Her entire left side was a screaming, throbbing pain, but somehow fighting off tears made it seem further away and easier to ignore.

Of course she knew this morning had spiraled into utter madness, but it had hardly been any one thing that caused it, and she had to make him realize she wasn't a child to be led and have her hand slapped when she touched something breakable. She had been ready to apologize, to be contrite and sob until she had heard his tone… and then she couldn't help but be furious.

How can he even think to act as though it couldn't have happened to him? He had no right to suggest that only he had the right to make decisions, no right to impose his patronizing hypocrisy on anyone. Respect was something you earned or lost, and he had squandered what value of respect he had when he tried to destroy the planet!

A small sob escaped her and she peered over her hand at the dingy little room… He had no right, yet he owned her life just as surely as he did a year ago, when she had started to concoct this mad plan of hers to wrest his power and her freedom from him. She loved her brother, she couldn't take that away no matter what he did, and she knew he cared about her probably more than anything, but it was just so horribly unfair, that he was allowed to do these things and no one could stop him… What gave him any right to rule the world? At least with her he could claim the control under protectiveness and her youth, but it was the same rules everywhere, for him…

How can he be so insufferably arrogant? She wanted to scream, but she didn't want Lincoln or Jerome to come check on her. Jake would have understood, wouldn't have made her feel embarrassed for crying, for the frustration and loathing of the pretty little cage her brother still kept her in despite everything, but Jake might be dying and there was nothing she could do but feel so utterly hopeless… She started crying in earnest.

It as only a few moments before she was sick of it. Come on, get a hold of yourself… You know you're being melodramatic. Jake was going to be fine. Quite a lot of things had changed, herself most of all. She could do this… it wouldn't be half so bad tomorrow, after she'd had time enough for her emotions to drain off and actually look at this morning from an objective stance. She would stop wanting to burst into tears every moment her mind wandered once she heard back from Cassidy about how Jake was doing. She wiped at her face even as a few more tears trailed down… and stared at her hand.

Blood?

For one insane moment she thought she was crying blood. Then the rational part of her mind kicked in and she realized the bottom half of her pants were coated and crusting over, as well as spots all along her jacket and blouse, and it was all over her hand, under her nails and dried along the joints… She'd tracked it into the room with her.

Why hadn't anyone said anything? Why hadn't she noticed? Then again, she'd been on such a single-minded track to get them safely away from the chaos that apparently she hadn't considered it important enough to pay attention to… which actually might have been a more defensive part of her mind that knew if she'd recognized that she was covered in Jake's blood there was a good chance of becoming hysterical, and that might have been deadly, out there. Survival instincts being what they are or something, Jake might say. Striding quickly to the bathroom, she decided that she really didn't need to cry anymore… but she needed to wash at least her face and hand now.

She turned on the faucet and took a deep breath before she let herself really look at her reflection… she looked as though she had been through a massacre. Blood was smeared over her cheeks and jaw, and even in her sweaty hair. Her clothes and even the fabric of her sling were simply a loss, though she couldn't throw them out now; she didn't have anything else she could change into.

She let out a little smile that honestly just made her look even more terrible. It was such a good thing she didn't keep a video-capable cell phone… Her brother would have been much harder to negotiate with if he had been able to see her, even if none of the blood was hers.

Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to control the sob wracking her chest, trying to escape. There had just been so much blood flowing out from under the stage light, then completely covering him, though Tanner, who apparently had a fair amount of paramedic training, had said it was clotting well by the they were secluded enough to stop and do some swift pressure bandaging with whatever they had available, which had mostly consisted of their socks and Lincoln's belt… She preferred knee-highs for the extra warmth and apparently she wasn't alone in that; Jerome, Lincoln, and the woman who had helped, Katrien, had immediately proffered their own before Relena could understand exactly what Tanner was asking them about. She had felt a touch flustered and slow-witted at the time, but had shoved down the emotion as being incredibly unhelpful while she watched Tanner work up improvised bulky bandages around Jake's head and shoulder.

In retrospect, it was just as well; considering the state of her pants, her socks had to be soaked with blood too.

She had no desire to check.

Opening her eyes again, she grimaced at her reflection and brought her head down to the sink where she started splashing water on her face with one cupped hand and rubbing furiously.

***

Pub

Rina hugged her knees to her chest, staring dully at the tile floor, not really seeing it. The employee bathroom had a little window nobody could honestly get through that was open just a little…

It was still loud out there.

Once the pub owner, Bryce Hein, had barricaded the staff and all the current customers in as soon as it became obvious what was happening, though a few customers had insisted on leaving before he'd done it, danger or no. And it really had been the right thing to do, considering the hungry looks of the people who had pressed past only minutes later, with the pub already filled past fire code safety and anything approaching comfortable, but at the same time…

At the same time, Luc was out there.

She'd been hysterical at first, protesting and getting light-headed, horrified until Bryce had pulled her aside and tried to talk to her. Luc was smart, he would avoid trouble… When everything cooled down her husband would know how worried she must be, he'd come to get her… Calm down, it would be fine, take some time to yourself…

Except it had been a half hour and the noise was still going strong.

The news coverage was sporadic too, the original film crew having been caught up in everything as well, and the only footage now was live from helicopters… and it was still a mass of looting and fighting and running and trampling… the princess herself had almost been caught under a toppled stage light.

She wasn't going to cry… she just needed to wait until either Luc came to her, or once Bryce opened the doors again she was going to go find him. She couldn't stop this horrible feeling of dread… She pressed her eyes against her knees.

Everything was going to be okay. It would… It just had to be.

***

Safe house motel - 10:50am

Relena looked up without raising her head much, trying to see without dripping everywhere… there was still a little in a few of the little pieces that framed the right side of her face. Ducking her head back down, she twisted so she could hold that part of her hair under the faucet and rub it at the same time, gritting her teeth against the pain as her left arm was pressed harder between her body and the sink… This would be so much easier to do with two hands… After she'd splashed enough water at her face to get her top and sling thoroughly wet she had recognized her own idiocy and used a washcloth, but the same method had hardly worked on the blood in her hair. It wasn't so hard as trying to scrub her right hand with the washcloth in her left, but it still made her want to cry out.

A minute or two later she grabbed a hand towel to half dry the wet hair enough to see if it was clean of blood or needed another dousing, and was fairly sure it was good. Sighing, she turned off the faucet and buried her face in the hand towel, glad that at least that was over with; she wanted to curl up on the bed and try to forget her arm even existed it hurt so badly, and she didn't have her painkillers with her, Jake had been keeping her pillbox in one of his pockets. Jake… He should be admitted to the hospital by now… Hopefully Cassidy would call soon.

She scrubbed at her head for a bit longer, trying to get it dry, before setting the towel down and studying her reflection while combing her fingers through her hair. Much better. There was nothing to be done for the clothes, but at least now she looked a bit less like she was in some horrid undead Halloween costume. Straightening her coat and lifting her chin a little she could see herself as she was again, instead of the silly little girl from two or even just one year ago, and it made it easier to see how irrational her little meltdown had been. Really, she was Relena Darlian-Peacecraft, and she was making a difference. The haggard aspect of her appearance now even underlined that, despite the awful events of the morning.

She couldn't help but sigh a little, though, when she saw that with all her splashing she'd gone and ruined the paper flower that she'd taken to wearing in a buttonhole of her jacket. She'd loved the little symbol of the people that it was and had been so careful not to let it get crushed or anything, but it had both water and a splotch of blood on it now. Making a face, she reached over to weave the paperclip out of the hole. At least it's one more thing I can clean up. About to throw it in the wastebasket, she stopped, blinking at a water spot, then looked closer.

She was seeing letters, a `g' and an `o' penciled in the damp spot where the water had made the paper transparent. It hadn't just been a flower… it had a note hidden inside.

Awkwardly, she began to unfold it as fast as she could without ripping it.

***

Amsterdam - Ritafore Hospital, 3rd Floor - 11:00am

“Oh Jake…”

Jake frowned, trying to make sense of his own head… something was wrong. He wasn't moving, and that made him start to panic before he realized the voice was familiar. His tongue felt like it was made of lead, his eyelids were hardly any better, but…

“Don't worry, your chart says your shoulder took most of the blow… They want to do surgery in half an hour or so to fix the blood pressure in your head, but apparently it's low risk.” The voice was feminine, brisk and practical even while concerned. He frowned again, trying to force his eyes to open. Lena? “They'll do the shoulder later, once all the high risk patients are through. Knowing you, you'll be back in business in a couple weeks, even with your arm in a sling.” No… She sighed, a soft chuckling sort of sound, and scrubbed one hand through his hair, gently scratching and massaging his scalp so nice it felt like home, comfort when he'd been sick and little…

He couldn't help but sigh into the motion and she chuckled a little again. “Those really must be good painkillers they've got you on.” Then a moment later, quieter, “Thank-you for taking care of her, Jake… you saved her today. And you should know, she saved you too. You've a true friend in her.”

It can't… Her hand cupped his cheek, and she leaned in to touch foreheads with him for a moment; she was pulling away as he finally managed to crack his eyes open. Everything was out of focus… all he could see was a fall of dark hair as she leaned forward then stood, stepping out of his line of sight even as his lids slammed shut again. But he'd seen enough. Laboriously licking his lips, he managed to croak out his question, his hope, to have proof… “Lu?”

Again, that chuckling sigh that was so her he couldn't be mistaken. “I have to go; your lieutenant will be back any moment now.” She grasped his hand in hers, gripped it tightly for a moment, and he returned it, a little. “I'm glad you're safe.” She let go. “I'll see you again, I'm sure.” A pause. “Remember to take care of yourself too, not just Relena?”

And Lucrezia Noin walked out of the room, back out of his life, and he didn't even have the strength to call her back.

***

Near Dam Square - 11:15am

Duo licked his lips as he considered the eighth set of soldiers that passed by with hardly a glance at him. Of course, that might have had something to do with having Melissa, Robby, and Nic next to him in full Militia uniform; despite the more recent incidents with Militia members trying to abuse the over-trust of power they were given after Brussels was attacked, the soldiers still, well… continued to over-trust them. It wasn't like they had much choice, with everything gone to such pretty hell, they needed everyone they could get…

It was just nerve-wracking to have them all consider and dismiss him, because he was just waiting for someone to recognize him. And the moment I stop worrying is the moment it'll happen. A good-sized piece of him said the smart thing to do was go home and leave this to the other three with him, because he really didn't want to risk being discovered and dragging the rest of the Devils down with him, but…

They still had seven people they couldn't account for.

Val had come home to try to ease a few minds, saying that Devries was in office and he was fine before he'd ducked back out to go back to work. He'd gotten help from the others on chewing out Laura for ditching school to running home and confirm that the others she went with had agreed to stay put and were safe. She'd wanted to go out in the middle of all this with them too, but…

He felt bad because she and Leah were that close and knowing her friend was at the speech was what had sent her running home in the first place, but at the same time she could be about as reckless as Heero. And if he had that whirring around his mind on top of everything else he wasn't sure he could stay calm enough to have it be worthwhile for him to search. And that wasn't an option, because if he had to sit and wait for news that might never come when he might be out in the thick pulling one of his family out of danger, he would probably break out of the den anyway and search alone instead of with a group. And that really would be stupid.

Holding in a sigh, he scanned the area again and found himself staring at a puddle of fresh blood. Hopefully Luc and Shov were just still on duty, helping where they could. Hopefully Mik, Katrien, and Leah had found each other and stayed close, even though they hadn't gone to the speech as a group. Hopefully they had just remembered Daan's schedule wrong, and he was at work. Hopefully Jamus was over at his girl's place…

He hated that word… it was something he'd long learned to never trust, because if you did it only made reality bite harder.

Melissa was giving him that calm, measured look she had when worried and he shook his head a little, not wanting to talk and knowing better than to try to grin it away for her. Still, though… “I'm not sure where to start,” he admitted quietly. They weren't at Dam Square yet, but he wasn't as sure about going there in particular; none of them would have stayed in the middle of that given half a choice… which was probably why they should go there directly. If they were hurt…

Rob glanced them all over for a second before deciding to take the initiative and jogged over to talk to one of the soldiers… and Duo focused on trying to remember that he was Kasey now, innocent and with nothing to fear from authority, before his being skittish made someone look at him twice as hard.

***

Safe house motel

“So… Katrien, was it?”

“Mm-hmm.” She purposefully kept her focus on the little handheld solitaire game she had brought to kill time in the crowd earlier. One of the guys who had helped save the princess' bodyguard, Taylor, had been half checking her out since he they had stopped to bandage the poor man up, and she really wasn't interested, at the very least just because she couldn't stop worrying about Leah… She knew the other woman had been in the crowd, and it hurt her stomach just to think about it. The sooner he lost interest, the better.

“Are you a local or were you visiting?”

“Local,” she returned distractedly.

“Oh yeah? What part of town?”

“The bad part.”

He let out a worried sort of chuckle. “Oh come on, it can't be that bad.”

She snorted. “I'm Devils' Get, pretty-boy. Kindly mind your own business.”

One of the guards made a choking noise in surprise before they both started to laugh, even as Taylor got all offended. “I was just trying to make conversation.”

“And I really don't feel like talking, I have family out there maybe getting killed. So if you need conversation, kindly make it with someone else.”

Taylor scowled and muttered a few foul names under his breath that she pretended not to hear, and proceeded to cross his arms and pout, of all things. She rolled her eyes. Good for you; get over it. Everyone had their own worries, and apparently he had never learned that there were people who might not cater to his every whim.

She almost felt proud of herself for getting the message through to him. Then again, having pride in something implied that you put some effort into it, so she focused back on her little game and not thinking too deeply about anything at all until there was something she might be able to do about it.

***

Pub - 11:20am

Karina stood by the window, looking out, waiting… Trying to ease the dread rising in her gut. It was still crowded but nothing like before; Bryce had only opened the doors again five minutes ago and a lot of people had decided to head home, but plenty were still waiting for it to calm down more. Mikal had decided to run home and make sure everyone knew they were okay, insisting that she should wait for someone to come check on her before leaving, whether it was him or somebody else… He'd been worried because he wasn't sure he'd told anyone he was planning on watching the screens at the pub instead of the live stage.

She had wanted to argue with him but knew he was talking sense… Bryce had even told her it was fine if she wanted to leave early, that he understood… so she had said she would stay either until someone came to fetch her or thirty-five after, whichever came first. But time was passing so slowly, and…

He would have stopped by, wouldn't he? Even if he was busy, he would have at least come by to tell me he was okay, wouldn't he? Luc would know how worried she must be… So why wasn't he there?

Every explanation she tried to think of was worse than the last; she had never hated her imagination before.

She checked the clock again, but it hadn't even been a minute since the last time she'd looked. Letting out a frustrated sigh she turned back to the window… and decided that enough was enough. Something was wrong she could feel it, it didn't matter if it sounded crazy. It was still busy enough that Bryce wouldn't notice if she left alone and so, before she could change her mind, she grabbed her coat and quickly walked out. She didn't have any real idea where to start, but her feet seemed to, and that was good enough.

***

Amsterdam - Unknown

“Hey, are you okay? Can you hear me?”

He batted away the hand on his shoulder, or at least tried to… It was harder to move than he'd thought.

“He's alive,” the voice called out before grabbing his shoulder again. “Hey, come on, you need to get to the hospital, you don't look so good.”

Hospital… There was something important…

“Aw, come on, buddy…” It seemed like too much effort to try to shove the man away when he fished a hand around his neck and… Oh, the ID tags… They had been issued with his uniform. “Lucas?” He only paused briefly before starting to shake his shoulder again. “Come on, Lucas, it looks like you've lost a lot of blood. I'm going to get some help to get you into our van so we can get you to the hospital, okay? I'll be right back.”

…Why is he calling me Lucas? No one's called me that in years…

There was something important… but he just couldn't remember. He just wanted to go back to sleep. Just curl up with Sin and-

He frowned. Rina wasn't there… Where am I? Suddenly it clicked how strange this all was and he snapped his eyes open, looking around an old alley… He was curled up against a pile of trash bags and there was blood on the ground, coating his right side, and-

He gasped as his mind finally registered the pain and the world spun, became confused again… He started coughing… his head was pounding and the back of his neck was wet and he couldn't think, he just wanted to throw up, a-

Shov! Shov was laying bonelessly on the trash piled next to him, mouth slightly open, a trickle of blood running down the side of his face from his hairline, blood covering his body and bone showing through one leg of his pants…

He lost control of his stomach and started heaving up his breakfast then sat trembling, his shaking arms barely keeping him from falling into the mess… What happened? Desperately he tried to remember something, anything… He hadn't eaten anything red, though… He stared down and started to heave again, though nothing but bile was left… bile and red.

No… Oh God, he was throwing up blood…

He flinched away from the hand that tried to grab him and fell flailing backwards into the trash before his arm was caught and someone steadied him. “Woah, buddy, it's alright, I was just here, remember?” Luc blinked at the man, really only taking in the military black uniform. “I'm taking you to the hospital, remember? This is my friend, I wasn't sure I could get you loaded without help, remember?”

Luc barely saw the gesture to another man in uniform. “And Shov?” His voice sounded wrong, thick, but the way he looked at his friend must've said it clear enough because the soldier was nodding.

“Of course, we're taking him too, we just weren't sure you knew each other. Lyle, take his other side, I don't want to jostle him any more than we have to…”

Shov wasn't dead… they were going to the hospital… Sleep dropped over him again like a thrown blanket.

***

Safe house motel - 11:25am

Relena closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the bed, no longer even trying to make sense of the knot of emotions hanging in her chest. Forcing herself to take a deep breath, she dropped the heavily creased little piece of paper in her lap. Sitting on the floor with her back against the bed, facing away from the door, she would have time to jam it under the bed before someone saw. Jake was the only one who would go past the doorway without her asking in the first place, though, and Jake… She clenched her jaw as tears started to stream down her face again.

She had hardly been in any state to read it in the first place… at least she had recognized the shock sinking in from everything that had already happened before the final straw broke the proverbial camel's back. She had put the little letter out of her mind entirely and instead started to wash the worst of the blood out of her pants in the sink before turning the shower on as hot as it would go and stepping into the stream herself. Methodically working her fingers through her hair and delicately cleaning around the stitches in her arm had taken up all of her attention, and she'd stepped back out to dry herself off she had felt oddly hallowed out and clean, even when she put her blood-stained shirt and sling back on. She had focused on resettling the hairdryer attached to the wall to blow on a more damp section of her pants and calmly moved into the bedroom area, pulling the blanket off the bed to wrap around her before sitting down on the floor. More confident about her mental state, she had begun to read again…

…And started to cry again.

Finally, she had proof that one of them was alive and well, which made her want to rejoice more than anything… She had even been in this same city when she had become so excited to learn that whoever it was had escaped, even though she had later found it was Hilde, not one of the gundam pilots. There had been no trace for so long that she had started to give up hope, then completely forgotten to think about them at all… only to have contact initiated when she was too oblivious to notice. She didn't even remember what city that little boy had given her the flower in.

And she couldn't tell Jake. He had trusted her enough to write this, even if it was clear no response was wanted, and she couldn't say how her bodyguard might react, friend or not. But she knew what Milliardo would do… and she couldn't let that happen. She wouldn't… Which meant she would have to destroy the one piece of proof, of hope, that she had of the pilots before she left the room.

Her hand shook. More than anything she wanted to keep it, to have something tangible to hang onto… But Jake would find it eventually; the blood and water had already destroyed its camouflage. Jake… Cassidy had to call soon. Jake would be alright, he mattered so much more than a piece of paper had any right…

A piece of paper that isn't even from Heero. Silent sobs started to wrack her chest again as she stared up at the ceiling, eyes streaming more than ever. It wasn't right, wasn't fair, for her to be so upset that Duo had sent her a tiny confirmation that he was alive instead of Heero, but she couldn't seem to escape it. And it was definitely from Duo, for all that he hadn't signed it, and it was written in enough of a code that the note could probably been from a fan of hers; Duo had been the only person in her life who had ever had the nerve to greet her with “Heya good-lookin'!”

She appreciated it more than she would ever be able to say to him… but she still couldn't help but despair that it wasn't Heero who could be bothered, and despite the wonder of hearing anything at all she wanted to just rage… Rage and sob at the unfairness of it all…

God, but it's been a long day… and it's not even noon yet. This was getting ridiculous.

And what exactly would Heero have said in a note? she demanded of herself as she finally dropped the paper altogether and wiped furiously at her face. Heero had been hard enough to get half a conversation out of in person when she was trying to badger him into it, and she expected him to write her a note saying that he was doing okay and had settled into a new life somewhere and was happy to see what she had done and was glad she was trying so hard? She actually managed to snort at that. Yes, of course he would, how dare he be so impolite as to move on and not inform me? Really, they all had such reasonable expectations of the man it was no wonder he did some of his more insane stunts during the war.

Self-destructing his gundam just because he was told to surrender. Blocking rubble from crushing her to death instead of shielding against all the MS shooting at him. Dueling a master pilot in a suit he had never flown before just out of pride. Confronting a tactician gone insane in an MS that was almost entirely defensive in nature. Fighting a suicidal battle to protect her kingdom. Kidnapping her, the baby sister of the man giving all the orders, off a battleship the size of a city. Battling her brother even in the planet's atmosphere to keep him from stopping Trowa and Quatre from breaking up as much of Libra's remains as they could, before retreating enough to take one last shot at the station with the buster rifle that had destroyed entire colonies, staying in the critically heated incline of the atmosphere long past what was even considered dangerous to do it.

She would never be able to forget him throwing the paramedics she had called for over the railing of the stairs and stealing their ambulance too, but that seemed altogether petty and insignificant compared to the rest. The numerous attempts at suicide by casualty was also pretty telling when you stopped to think about it, but she was fairly sure he'd stopped that by the time OZ had captured Quatre and started their experiments with them on the Zero system.

Relena found herself smiling just a little. Wherever he was, at least she knew he was okay… Nothing could kill Heero, not even himself; he'd more than proven that before. He just wasn't the type to be social, or remember that other people liked to be reassured with words as well as actions… That was more like Quatre, or Duo.

Or more recently, like Jake.

Sighing, she crawled out of the blanket and went back into the bathroom to check on her pants and to wash her face again… and to rip the once-flower into tiny pieces that wouldn't clog the toilet when she flushed it. Duo had implied well enough that he had no wish to be found, and it was better to take care of that before someone came in to check on her.

***

Near Dam Square

Karina walked along briskly, arms wrapped around her. Coat or no, it was cold, and it was something of a comfort… she was panicking again and she knew it. Luc could be anywhere, hurt or healthy, and she wouldn't have a clue wandering around aimlessly.

Not that it would have been any better had she stayed at the damn pub; she'd never been the type to allow herself to feel helpless. Even though she'd managed to lose most of the bitter taste of life in her mouth after making friends with Chaos, she had hardly lost her cynicism; she just hadn't needed it, spending almost all of her time in the safety of the Devils' Den.

But today, she really didn't want to believe the voice whispering one possibility over and over in the back of her mind. Going would make it real, if she was right, and she had never wanted so much to label herself as paranoid… But it was a logical conclusion, and she wasn't stupid.

Besides, she decided as she swallowed her dread and began to walk in the direction of the hospital. It's just one place to check off… Once I see he's not there, it'll stop bothering me.

***

Ritafore Hospital - 11:35

Melissa strode boldly though the sliding doors to the check-in desk and drummed her fingers lightly on the counter as Duo trailed after her. Robby and Nicolaas had gone to check the pub Rina worked at, with the promise to meet back at the hospital as soon as they could. There was no way any of them were going anywhere alone that day, and after meandering fruitlessly for a while, it had seemed like the best idea was to just see who was admitted, whether for little stuff or big. The Regime soldiers were actually doing a really good job clearing everyone out and administering aid, breaking up and fights or other bits of violence they found… If he wasn't so worried about one of them recognizing his face he would have thanked some of them.

A harried-looking nurse finally focused her eyes on Melissa after she'd been tapping for a good fifteen seconds. “What?”

“I need a list of the current admitted militia patients for records and dispensation,” the Dutch girl explained succinctly. “I also need to know where you're keeping the unidentified.”

The nurse frowned. “We're taking in more of both by the minute,” she retorted. “By the time I got you a list it would already be outdated.”

Melissa shook her head in return. “I know, but the folks down in the office want to get started on what they can as soon as possible; they'll pick up the new lists as it goes and update from there.”

The nurse considered Melissa's uniform for only a moment more before fiddling with her computer before a sheet began to print out. Not bothering to look at them again, she gave them brisk directions to a different wing and handed Melissa the short stack of papers full of names before picking up the phone and dialing, obviously dismissing them.

He supposed that was okay; it really was something of a madhouse in the entrance to the emergency room. She had a job to do, after all, and she had already given them what they needed without any fuss. He started to follow Melissa as she walked purposefully in one direction, and nearly froze when he caught a glimpse of a familiar face sitting on the floor in an overcrowded area - all the seats everywhere were taken - nose tucked in a paperback.

He caught himself before he could draw attention and focused back on Melissa's back. You got a big enough crowd of people together, you always found somebody who looked like somebody you knew… Hell, he remembered thinking that Shov was somehow Heero that night he had first met any of the Devils, and really, they had the same timbre and tone of voice.

That chick had just… her face looked an awful lot like Noin's, that was all. Eerily so.

Melissa was leaning against the wall now flipping through the stack for the names they were looking for. There was an Ahlen, listed, but it wasn't Mik. No Binglemans. Three Boschmanns, one of them even Dane, but listed as female; Daan wasn't in. Feeling better for finding that much allowed some hope that any of their theories about who was where was right. They shared a smile, even as Melissa licked her lips and started shuffling through faster to get to the r's - no Ruttenburgs - then to the v's, running her finger down the names… and froze.

Van Rhinn, Doushovel. Admitted, awaiting diagnosis. Black.

Kay swallowed. He was right around the corner from them, then, they could find him in a minute. If Shov was admitted though… Melissa was already flipping to the next page to find the name.

Von Koll, Lucas. Admitted, awaiting diagnosis. Red.

They came as close to running as was possible, crowded by so many people. Then someone was claiming only family could be allowed in and even as Melissa flashed her militia badge he dug out his wallet with his id reading “Kasey von Koll” and muttered that his brother was in there, getting a nod in return… The security was more for show than anything. After a glare or two they slowed down to a brisk jog, eying the faces of everyone they passed. There were the normal little curtained stalls and then there were wheeled beds and cots and people in blankets on the couches and even the floor in some places, full of patients. Swallowing the bile rising up his throat he scanned over and over again, worried he was missing them even as they kept walking. There were nurses everywhere, doctors practically jogging between patients and snatching up charts, and everyone looked identical under hospital gowns or blankets…

And then he saw Rina.

Her face was red from crying, her crystalline blue eyes glistening inside the black smears of running eyeliner surrounding them as she let out a heart-wrenching sob… And he was at her side in an instant. She was arguing with a nurse who looked like she was about to cry too, though the woman still simply shook her head and gestured with a manila folder before she tucked it back into the bars of Luc's cart and reached over his chest to pull a red tab off some sort of tag on his chest, leaving only black. She apologized softly through Rina's protests and hurried off to start checking the vitals of the next person who had both red and black tabs; someone else began wheeling in another bed, that patient had a yellow attached beneath the red… Then a nurse came in from the opposite end of the hall and glanced around before taking the locks off one bed seemingly at random and starting to quickly roll them away… That patient had only a black tab left.

And suddenly he realized and found himself wrapping hands around the railing of the hospital bed to keep from falling. Shov wasn't in here anymore, he had been listed as black when they got the list, and they had just… Triage. They were cutting their losses, singling out those they didn't think they could help…

Oh God no, please no, no, no… His breath was hitching in his chest as Karina started sobbing in earnest, standing on her tip-toes to lean over the railing and try to lay her head on her husband's chest, reaching for his face and trying to talk to him, saying his name… He twitched slightly in response, blinking blurrily at her and frowning, trying to cup her face in one hand, looking confused. “Rina? Rina, baby, what's wrong?” His voice was barely a mumble. “Don't cry… Wha… What's-” He broke off to cough, hard, and Kay could see the bloodstains creeping up from his back and through the heavy bandaging on the back of his neck, the gold blonde hair just above stained dark red… and when he finally stopped coughing and fell back, his hand was red too. His tongue crimson, teeth tinted, his eyes weren't staying focused-

Melissa had stepped around behind the two of them to reach the latches that brought to rail down to be level with the thin mattress and Kay lost his balance for a moment as the support was taken away and Rina more or less fell the rest of the way onto Luc's chest and he ran his fingers through her hair, trying to calm her down, not seeming to realize it was him she was upset about… He didn't seem to know what was happening at all.

He looked up at him and Melissa over Karina's head, utterly bewildered and asking for help. Kay felt frozen. It was happening again… Luc was dying and delirious, the same way Solo had been in the last fits of his fever and there was nothing… absolutely nothing he could do about it. He wanted to run, he wanted to scream like Rina was, he wanted to curl up in a ball and plug his ears and try to believe that none of this was really happening… that it was all a dream, that he was going to wake up any moment…

`Liss slid into the space by Luc's head and gently leaned over to kiss his forehead and give him a sad smile, tears running down her cheeks. “We love you, Luc…” Rina had her face buried in her husband's chest as she cried, so Melissa wiped away the tears that sprung to her old friend's eyes as realization finally seemed to dawn on him. “We all do… more than anything.” She brushed a hand through his hair and cupped his face with one hand for a moment, trying to gather herself enough to talk around the tears streaming faster down her face now, sniffling a bit. “I'm…” She fought with herself for another moment and cleared her throat few times. “I'm going to miss you so much!” she finished with a sob, pressing her forehead to his, noses touching for a long moment. “You've always… been a brother to me,” she managed to croak out, shuddering for a few more seconds as he reached up to grip the hand she had pressed to his head in a return of the embrace before she pulled away and wiped at her face. Rina slid up as `Liss moved away and Luc clutched at her as desperately as she was him and started whispering in her ear as she sobbed harder.

Duo jumped when Melissa turned and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder and shaking, but it was only a moment before he pulled her closer out of instinct if nothing else, running a hand over her hair as he stared at Luc and Rina, watched his lips tighten around a sob of his own before he whispered again, `I'm sorry… I'm sorry, Rina, I'm so sorry… I love you, I love you so much, tell Renee I love her, that I'm sorry…'

For once, he didn't feel like he was less of a man for giving in and crying.

He hid his face in Melissa's hair, but after a few minutes, when he felt eyes on him, he looked up and saw the question, the plea in Luc's eyes… and gave him a single solid nod in answer. He didn't even have to ask, they both knew he would take care of them, but he disentangled himself from Melissa to grip his friend, his brother's hand tightly and lean in close for a moment where Duo had to swallow around the lump that rose in his throat hearing Rina's hitched, shallow breathing right by his ear. He glared when a nurse looked like she wanted to move Luc's cot so that she moved on instead and stood back, letting the couple have what time was left, burying his nose in Melissa's hair and breathing deeply, trying to calm down his shaking. She wrapped his arms back around her with her back to his chest and watched them, crying unabashedly all the while in a sort of vigil. Rina quieted as she half laid across him, listening to him talk as he held her…

And when he stopped moving, stopped breathing, Duo pulled her away and into his own arms as she started to wail in earnest again. He didn't try to offer any words of comfort; he sure as hell didn't have any. But maybe holding her was enough for now, just keeping her from collapsing and feeling completely alone… She needed him. Meeting Melissa's eyes over Karina's head, he knew it wasn't just Rina and Renee that needed him now… and not just Melissa either. They were all family, all the Devils, and he needed them just as much.

They would pull together and make it, because there wasn't any other choice, no matter what he was scared of, no matter what happened from now on, he would handle it. Swallowing hard and looking down at the blonde in his arms, he realized he would never be running from any of the Devils no matter what happened… and that that was the way it was supposed to be.

***

Ritafore Hospital - 1:00pm

Katrien Ruttenburg couldn't help but look around the hospital entrance with wide eyes as she kept pace with the group she was accompanying, not wanting to lose the clout that traveling with the princess gave her until she had found out what she wanted. She'd been told they would take care of it as soon as they were able to see the man they had saved earlier, and Katrien couldn't mind that… she'd actually started to look forward to it herself. He had looked so terrible and at first she had been convinced he would die anyway, it would be nice to see that she had done something right today, that not everything had fallen into pieces. It would be nicer to see her own family alright, but she couldn't help the fear gnawing in her stomach… She had asked to come along because she wanted to check the hospital as well, but at the same time she didn't really want to know, not if it meant…

She shook her head a little and focused back on the diminutive little princess, for all that the girl more than made up for her height in presence and attitude. There was no question that she was in charge just from the way she moved, and at the same time she wasn't bad company, at least, she wasn't after she had corrected Katrien that it was Miss Darlian-Peacecraft, not Peacecraft. As soon as she had heard the Dutch woman was part of the administrative branch of the Militia she had even become talkative, very genuinely interested in hearing how the program was doing and prodding for the worst stories as well as the better news, which Katrien couldn't help but admire her for. The next time someone tried to say that the princess was merely an idealist they would have to deal with Kat; anyone who could go through what she had today and sit on the floor of a shit motel in the cold, arm in a sling and shivering wrapped up in a blanket, and still critically analyze the details of how well one program was helping a particular city had her respect. There was idealism there, sure, but Relena Darlian-Peacecraft was just as down to earth as any of the Devils despite her pretty words, and, well… she more than deserved the reputation she'd been building herself for the past year. She had been curious about the group style of living that Katrien admitted to as well, but had only gained herself more respect by not prodding for more detail when Kat purposefully skimmed over them.

The princess had said something about a reward and had had one of her guards take down the names and work information for all three of them that had stayed to help, though the details were left open. Kat found she didn't care overly much; she hadn't done it for a reward, though she had definitely seen the appeal of moving with a group instead of alone. She had mostly done it because it had seemed the right thing to do, really… though she wasn't about to protest some sort of award either.

They were quickly met in the lobby by the guard from before, whose hand was now heavily wrapped in bandaging, and he muttered something about the third floor before leading the way to the elevators. Katrien locked her hands together and tried her best to not fidget too much; she did want to see the princess' head of guard, but more importantly, the girl had promised to lead her walk over to the nurses' station right after and have them pull the names for all the Devils that she thought might have been out and about today. She had written up a list after Miss Darlian-Peacecraft had poked her head into the connecting room the rest of them and had admitted she needed company to keep her mind off the pain and to pass the time faster. The menfolk had just blinked at her at first, so Katrien had shrugged and wandered into the next room, and found herself actually happy to talk herself so long as it wasn't the utterly frivolous nonsense that Taylor man had tried to dredge up… and somehow, she had made a kind of friend with the princess while they waited to be called about Jake Miller's condition.

That counts for something, right? She'd focus on taking what she could get from a day like this…

***

Mary Jean Sabetta jumped as someone in uniform entered the room, then only barely kept herself from gaping as Relena Peacecraft came in with a blonde woman behind them. The guards nodded briefly to acknowledge her but the princess affected not to notice as she strode over to Colonel Miller's bedside and took hold of one of his hands, looking both relieved and worried at once.

“They said he probably won't wake from the anesthetic for another hour at the earliest,” Lieutenant Cassidy Foreman told them. “The plan is to start to transfer him to a hospital back in Brussels before then, though; they're not as swamped and can take care of his shoulder sooner. He didn't break anything, but it'll need treatment.”

“Good,” Relena murmured, and after another moment she let go and turned back to the blonde that had come with them. “Well, that sounds like we'll be leaving soon, so let's go get the nurses to release their information on your family. Lin, with us, everyone else, we shouldn't be more than a few moments.” And with that she was just walking back out.

Mary Jean finally managed to unfreeze herself and stood. “Wait, you shouldn't be-”

The third Lieutenant cut her off. “She'll be fine with Lieutenant Sobrie, ma'am.”

The woman scowled. “She shouldn't be here at all, sir. Mr. Peacecraft was under the impression that she was to be hidden in Miller's safe house until such time as she could be-”

“She's here now, and she might as well take her transport back with the colonel,” the Lieutenant interrupted again. “We received no orders to stay where we were; as I understood it, Mr. Peacecraft himself had no idea where the safe house was located, which would have made it difficult for him to arrange a pick-up.”

Mary Jean pressed her lips together, not liking his disregard… but surely it would be more dangerous to send the princess back out. “I will be calling Mr. Peacecraft, then, to let him know she is here. And your name, Lieutenant?”

He rolled his eyes even as he walked over to take stand where the princess had, eyes on his superior. “Jerome Moretti.”

***

Amsterdam - Unknown

“How is he, kid?”

Lucrezia Noin sighed as she tossed her coat onto the room's bed, reaching up to unwind her scarf. “He should recover fine, Howard. Sorry I interrupted everything to go check on him.”

The graying haired man waved a hand and pushed up the ridiculous sunglasses he still insisted on wearing indoors, and she smiled at the image he still made. He claimed light sensitivity, but sometimes she wondered if they were just to keep up the running bets the man's workmen had on his eye color. “I was interested in knowing too. Just because I haven't seen him in a few years doesn't mean I don't care any.” He walked back over to the coffee pot and poured her a new mug. “Here I must have the worst sort of luck, picking out a day like this for our meet here.” He smiled in a self-deprecating way as he handed it to her and returned to nursing his own mug. “And I thought it was all too clever, hiding our coming in with all the fuss over Relena.”

Lucrezia sighed as she wrapped her cold hands around the hot ceramic and took a sip. Mm… Howard's brew was so much better than what had come out of the machine in Ritaford's lobby. Considering the quality of the little appliance he was getting it from, he had to have brought his own machine as well as beans. “Sometimes things just happen, Howard, you know that.”

“Of course.” He grinned a bit, leaning back against the wall of the tiny hotel room they were meeting in. “So, you ready for what I was about to say before you went barreling out?”

She smiled a little sheepishly around her cup, giving him an amused look. “Of course, Howard.” She shifted a little, getting comfortable on the bed. “What news is there from space?”

***

Amsterdam - Devils' Den - 1:20pm

Katrien burst into the house the moment the door opened, trying to look everywhere at once, not bothering to wipe away the tears streaming down her face, only to be pulled into someone's arms a moment later. “Kat! Thank God, you're okay! Everyone, it's Katrien!” She could hear others exclaiming similarly, coming nearer and she just relaxed and let… let Carlos hold her up for a minute as she started to cry in earnest.

He tried to shush her and pull her closer, saying it was okay now, but she shook her head, still crying. “I went to the hospital, I… Luc, Luc's-”

“Shh… We know, Kat, we already know…” She could feel him shaking too. “We… You're not gone too though, okay? We…” He could feel him swallow hard. “We'll pull together and make it through, he wouldn't've wanted any different, huh?”

She kept crying, but she nodded into his shoulder all the same.

***

China

Wufei stood frozen watching the news, not even hearing Kailì's family exclaiming or talking around him. Little by little, it was starting to happen over again, the first pieces falling into place…

Only he wasn't one of the players anymore.

Turning abruptly away, he ignored the children and stepped into the kitchen where Xiu Juan was cooking dinner. When she looked up, he didn't bother trying to find nice words; it wasn't as though Kailì's wife ever did for him. “Put me to work.” He needed to feel like he was doing something, even if it was as inconsequential as dinner.

The viper of a woman actually smiled at him and gestured over at some vegetables that needed to be cut. “Good boy. There's hope my husband might corrupt you yet.”

Wufei decided it wasn't worth it to comment on that. Xiu Juan just laughed.

***

Brussels - 5:00

Relena gave in to the urge and reached forward to brush Jake's dishwater bangs out of his face… he was going to be okay. The critical period was over, and he was going to look silly with that patch of his hair shaved from where they had had to make the incision, but knowing him she had no doubt he would find some way to make it look good. She smiled slightly. Such utterly irrelevant thoughts. But she couldn't make herself mind. It was over with now, she didn't have to think about anything life-wrenching anymore…

She didn't want to think at all for a few more hours, at least.

He shifted slightly in his sleep and she leaned back, not wanting to accidentally wake him. He was still in the hospital, because they had wanted the surgery anesthetic to completely wear out of his system before they started the next operation to work on the shoulder. He hadn't broken anything, but one of the muscles had nearly severed and required another surgery to mend it. He didn't need to wake up now, especially when he would just hurt more.

David had been in earlier but had decided not to cancel the training he was putting his men through and that he would wait until after six to sit with him, as Relena had made it clear that she had no intention of moving until she was made to. She hadn't been able to help herself at that and had grinned, enjoying he acknowledgement that came with it… his outright trust of her to watch over I for him. Of course, not that he really needed one of them to watch over him in a hospital, but that didn't change the trust.

She sighed a little, watching I sleep. It almost made her feel good enough to forget the irrational but still present grief that I had never tried to contact her.

It didn't even come close to letting her forget letting Katrien cry on her shoulder when she had learned that someone she'd looked to as an older brother was dead, though.

She had used her status to get the hospital to shift its priority on the surviving patient from her family back off black and hopefully he would make it, but… But she knew well enough that that wouldn't take away any of the other woman's grief. She had made sure Miss Ruttenburg had a good handle on herself before heading home, but at the time, that was all she had been able to do.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to cry again. Today had apparently been a good day for feeling absolutely useless.

Well… at least tomorrow will have to be better. She couldn't help but smile a little smile that had nothing to do with being happy. After all, it would have to be Libra falling all over again to be worse, at this point.

She bit back a chuckle that was a little too close to hysterical for her liking. At least I've found something to feel good about?

***

Amsterdam - Devils' Den

Melissa quietly cracked open the door to her and Kay's room and peered in. He had taken Renee when Rina hadn't been able to do any more than keen upon having her daughter brought into the room, but that had been over an hour ago. She had checked… She blinked back the tears that threatened again. She had checked Luc and Karina's room first after it had been clear that he wasn't in any of the social areas, but it had been empty. Empty enough to have given into the tears for another minute or two before realizing she could see the light was on from the crack under her own door.

The little girl was asleep now, bundled up in the little portable bed they had found at a second-hand store before she was born. Kay was sitting on their bed of blankets with his knees pulled to his chest, back against the wall, staring at her… and for a moment Melissa too simply watched the baby's chest rise and fall and took comfort from it. It just wasn't fair…

First it had been her mother when she was ten, to cancer, then Renee's namesake, Melissa's best friend, when they were thirteen to the car accident that had taken both her and Mrs. von Koll. Mr. von Koll had died just two years later in 194 from a heart attack. And now Luc too… Life was never any fucking fair. Little Renee was supposed to have been the turning point, where things like that weren't going to happen to them anymore, enough had already been so bad that they were due some real good…

And it had all just crashed again.

She came the rest of the way into the room and looked to Kay instead… His eyes glistened, but no tears fell. And she could hear him telling her that day that seemed so long ago now that he didn't want to tell her about his past because he was scared he would jinx what good he'd come into now, and she'd told him what she had been insisting to herself every time she had picked herself back up, that not everything always broke down… And it had seemed like it really wouldn't.

Until today.

No. She dropped down onto the bed next to him and threw her arms around him, burying her wet eyes in his shoulder. No, she told herself again as Kay slowly started to respond, to ever so slowly turn his head towards her and move his arms to wrap back around her in return. It's not all ruined, it was never all ruined, there's still Dad, still Nolan, still… still the rest of us that Luc pulled together, still the baby, little Renee. He's gone but we're still here, Kay's still here too, and… And they would pick up the pieces and find a way to keep moving on. Luc was gone and… and maybe Shov too by now, but that didn't mean everything was.

She pulled her head away from his shoulder to look up at him, but he was watching Renee again. Kay… Kay really had lost everything but himself, more than once, and he'd made it. If he could do it then surely any of them could now. And he wasn't alone this time, he had all of them to lean on now if he needed, he had her and she already knew she loved him and would do anything for him… she had been waiting for him to finish realizing it for the past few weeks. After another long moment she felt him sigh and press his lips to the top of her head and breathe in like he always did to try to calm down, and she tightened her grip on him for a moment to show she'd felt it. For a while they just sat like that, arms wrapped around each other listening to the other's breathing, lost in their own thoughts.

She remembered him explaining where his real name had come from at Luc and Rina's wedding back in May, the first bit of his past he had let her know… Her mind had kept returning to it ever since he had held her in the hospital while they cried and Luc was dying. That he had missed it because it had meant that he was living for more than one person… and she had known after learning the rest in July that while he had named himself for that boy he said was like Luc, that every other person who had cared for him that died were included in that too, somehow. It had been so heartbreakingly endearing but she could see why he would both want to forget yet wish he could keep his name, some piece of what it had all meant to him… still meant to him, for all that he might try to deny it. He wanted to say his past had all been for nothing, but she knew he couldn't really believe it, which was why could still get so scared about it sometimes…

And some things were important enough to keep, whether they made you sad or not.

“Kay?” She licked her lips. “I think… I think from now on, when no one else is around… I'm going to call you Duo.” She heard his breath catch. “Because you are living on for them… and Luc now too.” Her chest started to shudder again, making her stutter harder. “And…” She swallowed. “And I think… I think he'd-” Her voice hitched. “He'd be proud… happy… to… to still be a part of something…”

Kay… Duo… turned to face her fully, pulling her into a crushing embrace so that she could hardly breathe, but she could feel him shaking, and she couldn't mind.

Tomorrow was going to be hard enough to face; they could use a little faith.

End

…For the record, this chapter was an utter emotional wrecking ball to write. I had to make a playlist specifically for a few of the scenes. That said, it was worth it, and I hope you felt the weight of it at least half as much as I did. Thanks for reading; the epilogue will be along shortly.

Opinions are always greatly appreciated.