Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Moocow ❯ The Adventures of Moocow ( One-Shot )

the adventures of moocow

WARNING: This story has nothing really in the way of plot and is incredibly

stupid. Just thought I'd warn you.

Once upon a pot of gravy, there was a pig of extraordinary proportions by the name of Moocow. Moocow was of extraordinary proportions because he was a genius, and also happened to be extremely fat.

ANYWAY! Moocow was once walking down a road for no apparent reason when a fish fell on his head.

"Wow," said Moocow. "That's quite unusual."

Did I mention that Moocow can talk, too? Um. Well, he kept walking, and AnOThER fish fell on his head. Only this one had lots of lipstick and make-up and crap on, on, so he assumed it was female like a typical male chauvinist PIG! Even though Moocow was a genius, he dismissed it as being a coincidence, and continued walking along for no apparent reason.

After about ten more fish fell onto Moocow's head (the last being dressed in a dorky tuxedo), he suddenly realized with all his brilliance that something must be up. "HUM," said Moocow. "These fish must be falling on my head for a REASON!"

As I am still thinking of a reason for the fish falling on Moocow's head, it just so happened that... uh... HEERO walked by!

"Howdy," said Moocow. "Have any fish been failing on your head lately, or is it just me?" Moocow was very polite. His mama had taught him to be.

Heero stopped walking along to stare at him, then tried to shoot him with his finger. "Omae o korosu."

Moocow stared back, and an enormous sweatdrop appeared on his head. "Pardon me, but - WAIT!" Moocow reread the last sentence. "What the hell is a sweatdrop?"

"Shut up," said the boy, and began shooting at him repeatedly with his finger. "Omae o korosu. Omae o korosu. OMAE O KOROSU!!!!! DAMMIT, WHY DON'T YOU DIE?!?!"

Moocow blinked. "That's your finger."

A little twitchy-mark began to pulse on Heero's forehead. Moocow began to edge away, 'cause he's scared of crazy people.

The author (moi), ever the peacemaker, fed Heero a anger management pill.

"Arigatou," Heero said after he had swallowed it. "Could you kill this stupid thingy for me?"

*His name is Moocow,* the author said helpfully.

"Whatever," said Heero. "It's stupid."

"Inconceivable!" Moocow exclaimed. "I'm a GENIUS!"

"You're not a genius." said Heero. "You're a pig."

Moocow was about to reply, when another fish fell on his. "HUM," he yelled, and went back to pondering.

*Lur,* the author said brilliantly.

"I'VE GOT IT!!!" Moocow exclaimed. "Fish are failing on my head because of a disturbance in the time/space continuum!"

"CRAP!!!! MY GUNDAM'S STUCK IN A WORM HOLE!!!" Heero screamed, and dashed away.

Moocow scratched his head with a piggy hoofy. "What's his problem?"

*He's Heero,* the author said brightly. *He likes killing things.*

"Weird," Moocow muttered.

*Not weird, ECCENTRIC,"* the author corrected, and wondered what to do with Moocow next, 'cause right now he's just standing there looking stupid (although Moocow is a GENIUS), as the author has a severe case of Writer's Block. She was rather stupid and forgot to bring her pencil case... which always cures Writer's Block when she hits herself on the head with it.

Oh, well.

A HALF HOUR LATER!

"This is boring," Moocow observed. "Can't you make another weird guy show up, or something?"

*NO,* the author snapped. *Heero is IRREPLACEABLE!!*

"What about Quatre?" Moocow suggested.

The author gasped. *GASP!! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT QUATRE!!*

So Quatre appeared, and the author proceeded to glomp him. *YOU NEED A HUG!!!!*

"Um," Quatre commented, looking quite freaked out.

"Um," Moocow agreed.

*WE NEED A COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!!* The author declared.

O_O

(cue cheesy moosik)

Moocow: (with a cowboy hat on his head) That music is making my - (blinks) (pulls off hat) What IS this?

Quatre: (whines) I can't play the banjo... and this sombrero is itchy...

Moocow: (raises an eyebrow) How is a sombrero itchy?

Quatre: (wails) It's made of STRAW!!!! Straw is bad for my hair!!

Author: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! NOT QUATRE'S HAIR!!!!!! (grabs sombrero and beats it with a flaming stick) DIE! DIE! DIE!

Quatre: (sniffs) Killing is bad...

Author: (takes out large collection of plushies and gives them to Quatre) Here. You need a hug.

Quatre: (sobs into the plushies)

Moocow: o.o Okay, then.

Author: (continues beating sombrero) DIE! DIE! DIE! (the sombrero explodes into a pillar of flame)

Quatre: O.O

Author: (strikes cheesy pose) And Quatre's hair is once again safe from the EVILS OF THE SOMBRERO LORD!!!!!

Moocow: -__________- What the HELL is the Sombrero Lord?

Author: ^_^ Recurring villain.

Moocow: ... Riiiiiiiight... (blinks) Aren't you going to put that pillar of flame out? I think you're scaring the wimp.
Quatre: (buries head in hands and sniffles)

Author: (apparently doesn't hear) AND NOW BACK TO OUR SHOW!!

O_O

The author scratched her head. *Where's Quatre?*

Moocow pointed to a mountain of plushies. It 'eep'ed and inched away.

The author frowned. *Odd... I don't remember giving him that many...*

"Go away!" The mountain of plushies squeaked.

"Why?" Moocow asked blandly.

"Because I said so!" the mountain of plushies yelled.

"Why?"

"Because!"

"Why?"

"Becau se!"

"Why?"

"Because!"

*This is getting monotonous!* The author exclaimed. She stamped her foot, and Duo appeared. The fangirls screamed in delight and fainted simultaneously.

"Um," Duo said, and hugged his braid. He was dressed in pajamas with little killer robots on them, and had a teddy bear with an eye patch and a scythe next to him.

Quatre jumped out of the mountain of plush toys, grabbed the bear, and dove back in.

"MR. HUGGLES!!!!" Duo screamed, and burst into tears.

"UM," Moocow commented.

The author was currently zoned out with a face like this: O.O

"MUA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!" A deep voice bellowed. Our heroes watched in horror as Quatre ventured out of the mountains of plushies with a doggy plushie attached to his head. The boy's eyes were all red and glowy, and the doggy had a twisted grimace on its face. The sky became miraculously dark and it was noticeable that both boy and doggy were glowing with a dark and evil power.

"I AM THE DARK LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD, COME TO CONQUER THIS WORLD AND SEND IT TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!!" Quatre roared. The doggy plushie laughed maniacally in a high-pitched voice.

Moocow stared blankly. "Oh, the melodrama."

*Lur,* the author commented, with lack of anything else to say.

"MY FIRST VICTIM," Quatre roared informatively, "SHALL BE THIS DEFENSELESS PLUSHIE!!!" He held up Duo's teddy bear, and lightning crashed dramatically in the background.

"GIVE ME MR. HUGGLES, QUATRE!!!!" Duo tackled Quatre to the ground, and wrestled the bear out of his grip, knocking the doggy plushie off of his head in the process. Everything went back to normal, and left Quatre flat on his back, with the braided boy perched on his chest, hugging the teddy bear with all his might.

"Where am l?" Quatre croaked.

Duo glared daggers at him. "You was mean to poor Mr. Huggles."

Quatre blinked. "Duo... what the hell are you --"

"APOLOGIZE TO MR. HUGGLES!" Duo screamed, spraying spit all over him.

"Ohhhhhh... GROSS!!!!!" Quatre wailed.

"I'd apologize," Moocow said wisely (he being a GENIUS). He felt he needed to say something, as he's kind of faded into the background. Since the story is named after him, he has to say SOMETHING. Or else I'll have to change the title. And THAT would be no fun, because this is "The Adventures of MOOCOW", not "The Adventures of Everyone Else." That would be annoying. ::blinks:: Uh... where was I?

Duo hugged the teddy bear to his chest, still glaring at Quatre. "Don't worry, Mr. Huggles," he said in a soft voice. "We'll make him pay..."

There was an ominous silence, and another fish fell on Moocow's head. "HUM!" He shouted, and went back to thinking.

The author hit herself in the head with her pencil case (she had remembered to bring it this time), and yelled, *A-HA!*

"Do you have an idea?" Moocow exclaimed.

*No,* the author replied. *We need another commercial break.*

O_O

(cue more cheesy moosik)

Moocow: Well, this wasn't exactly what I had in - YES!! No stupid hat!!

Author: Well, that's the good thing.

Moocow: (realizes he is dressed in a sugar plum fairy outfit) GYAHHHH!!

Duo: (in a Viking outfit) Um...

Quatre: (wails) NOW I HAVE A HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE!!!

Author: (kindly) It looks WONDERFUL on you, Quatre.

Quatre: (squeaks) REALLY?

Duo: No.

Quatre: (glares) You're just mad because you think I stole Mr. Huggles!

Moocow: Didn't you?

Quatre: No... not that I can recall... (blinks) Though I probably SHOULD have, because Trowa keeps trying to get rid of it, and -

Duo: (terrified) NO!!!! HE'S MINE!!!!

Author: (points finger in the air dramatically) A-HA!!

Moocow: (blinks)

Quatre: (blinks)

Duo: (blinks)

Author: Quatre WAS OVERCOME AND POSSESSED BY THE DOGGY PLUSHIE ATTACHED TO HIS HEAD!!!

Duo: o.o

Quatre: GASP!! ... There was...?
Moocow: (solemnly) Thank you for pointing out the painfully obvious. (blinks) Wait -- who ARE you, anyway?

Author: (blanches) Um. Well. (disappears)

(silence)

Quatre: Well... that was informative.

Duo: AND NOW, BACK TO OUR SHOW!

O_O

Moocow, Quatre, and Duo sat on a picnic blanket in the Happy Forest (no relation to actual place), eating lunch and making small talk. Duo held Mr. Huggles in his lap, and was trying to feed him chocolate pudding. Mr. Huggles, however, did not seem to want to open his mouth.

Quatre smiled, and stared dreamily at the clouds. "What a nice day. Don't you think it's a nice day, Mr. Piggy?"

"My name is Moocow," Moocow muttered.

Quatre frowned. "Shouldn't you be a cow, then?"

Moocow shook his head. "No, you should talk to my associate, Oinkpig. HE'S a cow."

"PLEASE!!" Duo wheedled. "Just a little, Mr. Huggles! You never eat anything, and it's getting me worried!" He turned to the two others, his eyes tearing up. "Mr. Huggles won't eat!"

Moocow gave him a ten-foot pole look, and Quatre scooted over to sit next to Duo. "Maybe he doesn't like pudding," he said kindly.

Duo looked at Quatre hopefully. "Maybe that's it! Do you think he'd like fish sticks?"

Quatre glanced at Moocow, expecting help. Moocow gave the two of them another ten-foot pole look and started doing his nails. Quatre sighed, and said, "No, I don't think bears like fish sticks. Besides, we don't have any."

Duo sighed, then gasped. "GASP!! I KNOW!! I'll give him HONEY!! Bears LIKE honey!" He jumped to his feet and ran off into the forest.

Quatre stared after him miserably, then turned to Moocow. "Do you think he's all right?" He twiddled his thumbs. "I remember Trowa saying something about him having medicine... though I think that was for an ear infection... I can't remember..."

"He's just dandy," Moocow said absently. He was actually debating on whether to watch the grass grow or take out a bucket of paint and watch the grass grow UNDER the paint while the paint dried. He looked up to ask Quatre his opinion, but was sidetracked on seeing the author sitting where Duo had been a few minutes ago, hugging Mr. Huggles. "Um. Hi."

*Hi, Moocow!* the author said cheerfully. She picked up Mr. Huggles' scythe and began to examine it. *Where did Duo go?"

"He went off to look for honey for Mr. Huggles," Quatre said gloomily, picking at a sticky burr on his vest.

The author frowned. *Does he know if Mr. Huggles WANTS honey?*

Quatre scratched his head, giving the author a weird look. "I don't think so... he didn't, um, ask him, anyway. He just said 'bears like honey' and ran into the forest."

The author frowned even more. *Well, that was rude.* She turned to Mr. Huggles. *What do you really want, Mr. Huggles?*

Mr. Huggles said... nothing.

The author picked held Mr. Huggles to her ear and got a spooky look on her face. *What's that you say? Mm-hm... mm-HMM... all right! I'll tell him!* She turned to Quatre. *He says he wants prune juice. Find Duo and tell him, all right?*

Quatre stared at her. "You said YOU'D tell him."

The author put on a pair of swirly glasses and gave Quatre an evil look. *Technicalities, technicalities! GO, FOOLISH MORTAL!!! DO MY BIDDING!!!!*

Quatre quailed under the might of the swirly glasses, just like the REST of the population of the world! MUA HA HA HA HA!!! "Um, okay, fine, whatever!" He ran into the forest at top speed (which, he being a wimp and having lots of practice, is really fast).

The author yawned, and turned to Moocow. *... So...*

"DON'T," Moocow said absently. He had decided on the paint, and was currently flat on his stomach, staring at the white-stained grass.

The author shrugged. *Okay.*

Moocow diverted his concentration to glance at her with the ten-foot pole look, and cringed. "Ugh... take those glasses off..."

*I don' wanna!*

At this point, there was a high-pitched shriek from the forest. Moocow blinked. "Um... that's not good, is it?"

The author grabbed Moocow's piggy-hoofy. *WE HAVE TO HURRY, MOOCOW! THEY MAY BE IN TROUBLE!!*

"Then why aren't we moving?" Moocow observed.

*Because THAT would help move the story along,* The author said cheerfully. *Besides, they're coming back, anyway.*

Moocow blinked. "I'll just... NOT ask how you knew that."

At that exact time, Duo and Quatre burst out of the line of trees, in a scene straight out of some bad action movie. Heero was following them, laughing maniacally and waving around a machine gun. By the time they had reached the picnic blanket, however, he had run out of air, and flopped over on the blanket. "Need... air..."

Moocow raised an eyebrow. "Who's THAT?"

*The weapon obsessee from the beginning of the story,* the author replied. *Remember?*

"Oh, him... yeah..."

The author tapped Heero on the head. *Hey. Dude. Why were you chasing them?*

Heero picked his head up. " I felt a strange need to make another appearance, however cheesy the execution of this was. So sue me."

Moocow shrugged, and went back to watching the paint. "Well, that makes sense."

Heero picked his head up again to acknowledge this, and noticed the paint, which by this point was about a quarter of the way dry. "Oooooh!" He exclaimed, and crawled over to watch with Moocow.

The author turned to Quatre and Duo, who are currently just sitting around and doing nothing. *So.*

Duo shrugged. "So."

*So.* The author nodded.

"So," Duo agreed.

Quatre scratched his head.

Mr. Huggles got up, using his scythe as a crutch, and waddled over to Heero and Moocow.

Heero stared at him. "Um."

Mr. Huggles stared back and said... nothing.

Heero turned to Moocow. "That teddy bear creeps me out."

Moocow didn't reply, immersed in the otherworldly pleasures of watching paint dry. Heero shrugged, then turned back to the bear, only to see Duo sitting right next to him. "You can see him move too, can't you?" He whispered, a really weird look on his face. "I try to get him to talk, but he doesn't. And he doesn't eat, either. Since bears like honey, I thought I'd get him some. D'you think he'll eat that?"

Heero stared at him. "Duo... have you forgotten to take your medicine again?"

"I KNEW that was it!" Quatre called helpfully from several feet away.

Moocow gave the three of them the ten-foot pole look and went back to watching the paint.

*He won't. He doesn't LIKE honey,* The author said in Duo's ear. Duo jumped, and edged away from her (as he is QUAILING under the might of the swirly glasses!!!). "Um. How would YOU know?"

*He told me,* the author said cheerfully. *He likes prune juice. Do we have any?*

"Quatre packed the lunch, so... yeah, we probably do," Duo said, his eyes wide. He got really close and whispered, "Can you REALLY talk to Mr. Huggles?"

*Of COURSE,* The author said brightly. *I'M the author!*

Everyone gasped. "GASP!! You ARE?"

The author rubbed the back of her head and grinned like an idiot.

"Stupid," Moocow said sternly. "The author isn't SUPPOSED to be in the story."

The author glared at him, and looked away, his eyes crossed. "How would YOU know?"

" 'Cause I'M a genius," Moocow said promptly.

The author thought about this for a minute, then said, "True," and disappeared.

Quatre scratched his head. "Um."

Duo's eyes teared up. "She never told me how to talk to Mr. Huggles," he whispered in a trembling voice, then burst into tears. Mr. Huggles got up and patted him on the back.

Duo whirled around and hugged the bear with all his strength. "MR. HUGGLES!!!"

Mr. Huggles hugged him back and said... nothing.

"That's so SWEET," Quatre whispered, and started bawling as well.

Heero was currently zoned out with a face like this: O.O

Moocow gave all of them the ten-foot pole look, and a fish fell on his head.

FIN

(This be a story I turned in for English earlier this year. ^_^ I had originally started writing it as a Gundam Wing story, but then molded it to make my own original characters when I realized I had nothing else to turn in. ^^;;; Sooo... it wasn't until much later that I FINALLY got around to scanning this in {PallaPalla has a text scanner!! ::dances::}, and posting it up. ^_^ Of course, I uncut it and changed some names around first. For those interested, Heero was originally named "Bob", Quatre "Jimmy", and Duo "Joe". ^^ Please R+R!! I know the G-boys were somewhat OOC, buuuutt... I can't write ANYTHING serious when it comes to Gundam Wing. ^^;;; I happen to feminize the hell out of Wufei {of all people}... be glad he wasn't in this. ^^;;;)