Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Braid Boy ❯ The Braid Boy ( One-Shot )

Priest-like voice: If anyone present knows any reason why this fanfic should not be written, declare it now or forever be silent. (muffled protests in the background) Okay, I guess you can proceed Kaori.

Kaori: [evil grin™] Arigato shisai. [removes gags from all the G-boys]

Wufei: INJUSTICE!

Heero: Omae o korosu.

Duo: There's no way in hell I'm going through with this!

Trowa: …!!

Quatra: NOOOO I DON'T WANNA GOOOOO!

Kaori: [whacks all of them with her tanbos] Stop whining and get into position! [sounds of pilots scampering off] Okay, this is a bad parody of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven". I was supposed to be doing my laundry but I got bored.

Duo: …distracted.

Kaori: Besides I can always do my laundry later.

Duo: …at three in the morning.

Kaori: Duo-kun…

Duo: Hai?

Kaori: [sweetly] Do get into position before I am forced to cut your braid off.

Duo: Leaving…

Kaori: Anyway on with the bad parody of a poem. Quatra is narrating.

Standard Disclaimer: I OWN SQUAT. Suing me serves no purpose.

WARNING: First fic ever so please don't hurt me.


The Braid Boy
By Kaori



Quatra: Do I HAVE to??

Kaori: YES!! [waves tanbos menacingly]

Quatra: (reading) Once upon a midnight dreary, Heero pondered weak and weary…

Wufei: What do you mean 'weak?' Injustice!

Kaori: [wallops Wufei] Get back upstairs and be quiet!

Wufei mutters something about 'disrespectful onnas' and goes upstairs.

Quatra: Over a mission that he and his comrades would soon explore.

Heero's laptop suddenly appears in front of him.

Heero blinks (which knowing Heero is the equivalent of a jaw dropping).

Quatra: While he nodded nearly napping

Heero: [watching the screen] Damn this is boring,

Quatra: Suddenly someone came a crashing through the window and onto the floor.

Relena comes crashing through the window.

Relena: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heer o: [pulls a gun and shoots Relena] 'Twas some stalker and nothing more. You know something, I'm beginning to like this poem.

Kaori: I'm so happy you approve. [blows a whistle]

Bulma and ChiChi do the can-can across the scene and drag off Relena's corpse.

Quatra: What the…

Kaori: Relax it's only a senseless cameo appearance. Okay continue with the bad parody of a famous poem.

Quatra: Umm…okay… Ah distinctly he remembered on that dark December
When Oz soldiers were bleeding all over the Romefeller floor.
So distinctly he remembered Oz soldiers bleeding over the Romefeller floor.
There were bullets and guns galore.
Plenty of guts and gore. [Quatre turns chartreuse]
It was truly a bloody war.

Trowa: Maybe I should take over narrating for a while.

Duo: He spoke!

Kaori: Trowa, Duo go back to your positions. Quatra drink this [gives Quatra a glass of water which the Sandrock pilot downs hastily] Okay, resume parody!

Heero:…

Quatra: And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each auburn curtain
Hey wait a minute! That was directly from Poe's poem.

Kaori: No…in Poe's poem the curtain's are purple.

Quatra: It's still plagiarism.

Kaori: I already said I own nothing. Now stop complaining before I bring your sister's in here.

Quatra: Fine…And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each auburn curtain
Filled Heero with the memory of blowing up mobile suits and more

Heero: (eyes go all Zeroish) Mass destruction and explosions galore.

Quatra: [nervously] There came screaming from an upper floor.

Wufei: MAAAAXXXXXXWWWWEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!

Quatra: That didn't rhyme.

Kaori: Neither did that bit with Relena. Besides, who says poetry has to rhyme?

Quatra: You've got a point.

Kaori: Enough chit chat. Back to the poem parody!

Quatra: Presently, Heero's back stiffened
To a full erect position
As the angry scream echoed through each corridor.
Justice Boy, katana blazing, fist upraised, and eyes a blazing
Came rushing into the living room uttering curses that I deplore.

Wufei: Where is that f***ing smirking dolt.
All my damn socks are f***ing pink and I know it's his f***ing fault.

Quatra: As the justice-crazy pilot yelled and screamed.
Sounds of things being 'creamed'
Came from behind the kitchen door.

Heero and Wufei rush into the kitchen only to be hit by whip cream pies.

Quatra: Whip cream and chocolate sauce was all over the floor.
Trowa and Duo were looking for more.

Wufei: What the hell were you two thinking?

Heero: What the hell have you been drinking?

Quatra: Both pilots were even more annoyed than they have ever been before.

Trowa: 'Twas Jamaican rum and nothing more.

Heero: Then what are all these other bottles doing on the floor?

Quatra: After much uh, um, and humming
Whistling, head scratching, and nervous drumming
On the little teacups that I so adore
Still no explanation came from the drunken ones
Why there were several different liquor bottles on the floor.

Duo: I was bored.

Quatra: Was the only answer that was uttered

Heero:[draws gun] Omae o korosu.

Quatra: Heero muttered.

Duo: Hey don't blame me
Trowa's the one who started the pie fight.
Quatra: Our braided friend implored.
Then he disappeared into the place where mallets are stored.

Wufei: INJUSTICE!

Trowa: The author zapped him into hammerspace.

Wufei: Onna! Why did you do that?

Kaori: I felt like it. Besides, I can't let Heero shoot Duo, I love him.

Wufei, Trowa, Heero Quatra:…..

Kaori: Fine, fine, I'll bring him back. [snaps fingers]

Duo pops in followed by Akane.

Wufei: What is that pathetic onna doing here?

Akane: [demon head] WHO ARE YOU CALLING PATHETIC? [pulls out the infamous "Akane Hammer"] WUFEI NO BAKA!!!!!!! [mallets Wufei out of the scene]

Quatra: Another cameo?

Kaori: Yep. [zaps Akane back to the Ranmaverse and brings Wufei back to the fic] Okay let's finish this up.

Quatra: I think that would be best. [continues reading]
Ah the madness never ceases
The insanity increases
And the Deathsythe's pilot is still full of antics by the score.
So we'll dispense with all this rhyming
Before Wufei starts his whining
About justice, and Nataku, and things we don't need to hear about anymore.
We'll continue this poem…

Duo: Nevermore!

Quatra: At last it's over.

Heero: I dunno, I kind of enjoyed killing Relena.

Trowa: …

Wufei: That poem was an injustice.

Kaori: You're just angry because Akane smacked you good. Thank you for reading this ridiculous poem. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as we did.

Heero: We didn't enjoy it at all.

Trowa: The pie fight was fun.

Heero, Wufei, Quatra, and Duo look at Trowa in shock. Mamoru Kusinagi and Momiji Fujimiya from Blue Seed close the curtains with the letters THE END printed on them.

Back to Humor