Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Cost of Honour Trilogy #2 - Payment Rendered ❯ Chapter 1
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Calic0cat 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 04.30.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.6K | Visits: 495 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 04.30.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.6K | Visits: 495 | Status: Completed
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Title: #2 - Payment Rendered
Part: 1/2
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Mar. 11, 2003
Story Finished: Apr. 24, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings (more-or-less in chronological order): 5x2 (past), 3x4, 5xOC (het), 1x2x1
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 200, Heero & Duo are working as Preventers.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Jun entered the house, weary yet determined. Her grandmother was not expected to last the night. Someone would come for her when the time of death neared but for now she had been sent home in deference to her pregnancy. She was glad of the excuse to leave, having felt very odd sitting there rejoicing that she would indeed be clan head before her child's birth. That she would have the power she needed to protect her child from a fate like hers and Wufei's.
As she moved through the house, intending to find Wufei and try to determine whether he would support her in her intention to wrest power back from the elders, Jun carefully considered her plans. Taking control of the clan away from the elders would not be simple. Over the years they had gradually usurped much of the clan head's powers. Reclaiming that authority would require determination and careful planning. If she had to do this alone, she would. But she would far rather have Wufei's support solidly behind her. Together, they could ensure that their child would not be trapped by the elders into a life of duty, would not be bound by the elders' interpretation of "honour". That their child would not follow in their footsteps.
***
In the darkness of the movie theatre, Duo wriggled in his seat in order to get his head positioned more comfortably against Heero's shoulder. Heero slipped an arm behind him to draw him as much closer as the seats would allow. Half expecting his usual flare of panic at the increased intimacy, Duo was distinctly relieved by its absence and sighed *almost* contentedly.
The past couple of months had *not* been easy. Tearing down the mental and emotional barriers he had worked so hard to build hadn't happened overnight. Their complete collapse after Heero's close call had been misleading. Once Heero was out of immediate danger, the barriers had gone back up again without any conscious decision on Duo's part. He had made some efforts at partially lowering them. Had managed to visit Heero at the hospital.
And then he had discovered that the barriers were no longer the voluntary things he had originally so painstakingly built. That he had no real control over them. That he was absolutely fucking *terrified* of any type of closeness or intimacy, be it friendly or otherwise.
The first time that he had truly relapsed had been when Heero was released from the hospital. Heero had been extremely restricted in what he could do - no bending or lifting, for example. He had asked Duo to move back into the guestroom at his apartment while he recovered. Duo had not been prepared for that. Just the thought of being in that close of contact with *any* of his friends, let alone Heero, after spending so much time isolating himself had been too much. He had refused and fled back to his dreary little apartment. Back to his distant, lonely existence. Back to safety.
In the end, it had been Trowa that had moved in to help Heero through his convalescence. And Trowa that had shamed Duo back out of his isolation, showing up at his apartment and demanding to know when Duo Maxwell had become such a coward. Such a quitter. Such a *liar*. Reminding him that he had told Heero he was willing to try.
Duo had spent a sleepless night that night. And the next. Then he had finally got his act together enough to visit Heero at home and had started cautiously letting the others back into his life as well. He had thought he was okay. Had thought that he had managed to break those barriers down for good this time. Until on one of their first actual dates, Heero had kissed him and told him that he loved him.
That had been Duo's first ever experience with a panic attack. Ten minutes that ranked in the scariest of his life. Between the racing heart, the sweating, the shaking, and the shortness of breath, he had been convinced that he was about to die. He had scared the hell out of Heero.
Fortunately, there had only been a few other panic attacks since then, much milder ones that lasted only a few minutes. But they had been taking things very, very slowly ever since that first one. The "l-word" was quite definitely off-limits, at least for the moment, being a virtually guaranteed trigger for a panic attack. And Heero was careful to always let Duo make the first move. Duo himself was cautious about pushing his limits. But after a lot of soul-searching, he was sure he was ready for the next step.
As the credits rolled up the screen and the lights came back up, Duo twisted in his seat to look at Heero. "Hey, Heero?" 'I can do this,' he told himself firmly. As Heero turned his head to meet Duo's eyes, Duo gave him a slightly shaky smile and asked, "Is that guest bedroom still available?"
Heero went very still, eyes searching Duo's face. "Of course..." he breathed softly.
"Good, 'cause I gave notice on my apartment today and I need to be out by the end of the month," Duo told him. The look of delight on Heero's face was more than worth the hours he had spent talking himself into this. He wasn't ready for anything more than sharing an apartment yet. When he said "guest bedroom", he meant just that. But maybe, after a few weeks of even that much forced intimacy, he would be ready to handle a little more.
***
"This better be important..."
"Quatre, he's moving in!" Heero interrupted. He'd been unable to wait till morning to share the good news. And it *was* good news. Sure, Duo was moving into the *guestroom*, but that was going to force more contact than he'd had with *any* of them since Wufei had left. It was *tremendous* progress.
The video on the phone winked to life, revealing Quatre still in the midst of tying the sash on a sloppily-donned bathrobe. Trowa stepped into the video pickup's range, also wearing a bathrobe. Heero was momentarily embarrassed at the realization that he'd apparently interrupted something but he was too delighted for the embarrassment to last long.
"*Duo* is moving in?" Quatre demanded. "With you?"
"Yes! Well, he's moving into the guestroom, but he *is* moving into my apartment... *And* it was his idea!"
"Heero, that's wonderful news!" exclaimed Quatre, beaming happily. "Isn't it, Trowa?"
"Very," Trowa responded, smiling faintly.
"I'm sorry I called so late," Heero apologized. "I just had to share the news. Sometimes I've wondered if we would *ever* get *any* of our Duo back..." Or whether they would always be left with the painfully silent, withdrawn, dim shadow of Duo that had been created by Wufei's betrayal. 'No, "betrayal" is unfair and I know it. Right after the war, I would have been the same way if ordered on a mission. Everything else would have taken second place, no matter how important it was to me.'
Not anymore though. For him, his realization of where his true priorities belonged had come when he first realized that he was in love with his best friend. Realized it too late, after his best friend had already fallen in love with the friend who had been willing to put him before work. Who had been willing to court him and woo him. Leaving Heero regretting all the times that he'd turned down Duo's invitations for a "guys' night out" or a quick game of one-on-one in favour of working late on reports that no one ever actually read anyway.
Sometimes he wondered whether Wufei would ever get *his* priorities straight. Would ever realize that his personal honour and integrity were what was genuinely important.
Whether Wufei would ever come back, hoping to win back Duo. And whether Duo would forgive him and go back to him if that day ever arrived.
"Quatre, have you ever heard from Wufei?" Heero asked abruptly.
Onscreen, Quatre exchanged a nervous glance with Trowa, then admitted, "No, but I've had someone - well, keeping an eye on him. Just in case he ever needed help..."
"How is he?" Heero asked.
Quatre answered evasively, "His wife is... expecting. And with her grandmother's recent illness and expected death, she is likely to be instated as clan leader very soon now." He hesitated, then questioned, "Has Duo ever..."
"No," Heero responded, shaking his head. "He never so much as says his name. He may even be afraid to - it would be a very likely trigger for a panic attack. Sometimes, something will remind him and he gets this look on his face... This awful mix of fear and anger and love... I don't know whether he'll ever really 'get over it'."
"He still loves Wufei."
Heero nodded in response to Quatre's statement. "I believe he does, yes. I don't really know whether he could ever forgive him or trust him again, but he still loves him. He wouldn't still be hurting this badly if he didn't.
"Just as I'm pretty sure that, whether he ever can say the words or not, he loves me now too. He wouldn't be pushing his boundaries this hard if he didn't."
"What if..."
"Don't," Heero warned sharply. "Quatre, just - don't. If it ever happens, it happens. There's nothing I can do about it and I won't spoil whatever time I have with Duo by worrying about something that may never take place."
Ending his call with a few brief words, Heero mused, 'I never thought that I would have *any* time with Duo. He and Wufei were so happy together, I never would have jeopardized that by letting him discover how I felt.
'And I never would have wanted the time I have now at the high price Duo has paid for it. The high price Duo and Wufei both have paid for it. Because I don't doubt that Wufei loved - probably still loves - Duo. It's just unfortunate that he loved his family's so-called "honour" more.
'But since the price has already been paid, regardless of whether I end up with Duo or not, at least this way I can have a small piece of happiness and also make him happy again. Probably never quite as happy as he was - that seemingly-indestructible faith of his that things would always work out for the best, would always be okay in the end, has been pretty thoroughly destroyed, and with it went his almost childlike wonder and delight in life - but happy enough that at least he isn't looking for chances to get himself killed anymore.'
Maybe someday he would find a way to get Duo beyond that point. To make him take real delight in life again. He certainly intended to try. But for now, Heero would take comfort from the small gains they'd already made. Those moments when Duo's smile, small and tentative though it was, flickered into life for a few brief instants. The times when Duo hugged him or kissed his cheek or even, as on two memorable occasions recently, managed to press a chaste kiss to his lips without triggering a panic attack. Those were the little things Heero treasured, the tiny indications that at least a little bit of progress had been made. That Duo was slowly recovering some of his old self.
***
Wufei's hand hovered over the phone for several long minutes before he finally drew it back again. 'No. It was my choice to break off all contact with the others. Quatre and Trowa made it clear at the wedding that they still considered me a friend and that I should contact them if I needed anything but it is still too soon to try to pick up that friendship. I am not ready to face Duo again and if I resume contact with the others that is far too likely to happen. And as much as I would like to know how Duo is, calling Quatre to ask that will do no one the slightest bit of good. Because no matter what his answer might be, I cannot leave here.'
Now even more than before, he was tied to the colony, to his wife and their unborn child. Jun's grandmother had passed away and she had been formally declared clan head. The first careful groundwork for her rebellion - *their* rebellion - against the elders was already being laid. By the time she was forced to stand up to them openly, he and Jun hoped to have most if not all of their own generation ready to stand behind her. They were not the only ones trapped in unhappiness by their duty to the clan. There were others caught in loveless marriages or in jobs or fields of study that they were ill-suited for. Others in the process of being forced into thankless duty. Others weary of an outdated and backwards lifestyle, trapped by the merciless web spun by the elders.
For now, however, Jun was playing the part of the dutiful clan head admirably. Decisions that she disagreed with were surreptitiously changed; contracts were altered or shuffled to the bottom of the pile to buy time. But all of those things were done without the elders' knowledge. They believed that she was following their wishes in every way. Eventually, that would have to end. She would be forced to openly defy them at some point. But the more time they could buy, the more contracts and agreements that they could alter, the better the odds that their rebellion would succeed. Because if they managed to remove control of the clan's finances and of the colony itself from the hands of the elders, the ultimate control over decisions would be Jun's. And then - things would truly begin to change.
***
Sprawled at opposite ends of the couch, Duo and Heero were watching a movie. Duo decided, 'Tonight. I've been living here for a damn month now and I haven't been able to make it past a closed-mouth kiss without a fucking panic attack. Not good enough. I l... l...' Dammit, he *still* couldn't even *think* the word. 'I *care* for Heero a *lot*. He's way more than my best friend. Even if I can't *tell* him how I feel, I want to at least be able to *show* him, and right now I can't even manage *that*!' Quite deliberately, he shifted down the couch towards Heero, moving over until their shoulders touched. Just thinking ahead to what he intended to try made his respiration alarmingly rapid. Duo had to pause and force himself through the deep breathing exercises that he used after nightmares. He managed to get his breathing and heartrate back under control finally. He was forcing things and he knew it. But he didn't seem to be making any damn progress and he was determined to finally manage *something* for god's sake.
He knew Heero wouldn't say a thing if he did end up backing off. If anything, that only made him more determined not to give up this time. Not to leave them both disappointed yet again.
Carefully, Duo shifted over onto his hip, bending one knee so that his upper leg rested partially on top of Heero's. He slid his arms around Heero and rested his head against Heero's chest. Heero's heartrate was elevated for a moment, then gradually dropped down to normal. After a few more minutes, his own levelled off, still slightly elevated but steady. Tipping his head back, Duo looked up into Heero's face and said softly, "Kiss me."
Heero's eyes widened. "Duo, are you..."
Duo reached up and touched his fingertips to Heero's mouth. "I'm sure." He drew his hand away and waited, face uplifted.
Heero leaned over, cradled Duo's face carefully in one hand, and brought their lips together. Considering that this was the first time he'd asked Heero to take the initiative, Duo was a little worried that he'd trigger off a panic attack but he managed to lose himself in the sensation of their lips moving together. Greatly daring, he parted his and flicked his tongue across Heero's mouth. The immediate flare of panic that appeared at Heero's willing response was blotted out by his anger at his own limitations. 'Heero won't leave me. I *know* he won't. He was willing to die to protect me; I can trust him.'
But part of him still doubted. And that was the part that wouldn't let him push things beyond kissing, beyond the cautious play of lips and teeth and tongues, at least not tonight. But he was determined to do so soon.
***
Jun leaned her head wearily against the car window. The first vague mention of a marriage contract for her and Wufei's child had occurred today. She had been ready for it, however, and had put on a spectacular display of hysteria at the thought of jinxing her pregnancy by making plans involving her unborn child. They had not even begun to prepare a nursery as she had been planning this approach all along. The elders had bought her performance, had fallen for it "hook, line, and sinker" as Wufei had worded it in English, his eyes dancing for a moment before clouding with memories. And the marriage contract had been dropped for now.
Glancing over at Wufei, Jun realized how fortunate she had truly been in her own arranged marriage. The age difference between herself and Wufei was a mere two years. And her husband was kind, considerate, and supportive. 'He has never even blamed me either for our marriage or for the destruction of the happiness he already had...' True, she had had as little to do with the elders' actions as Wufei himself had but he could very easily have chosen to take out his anger and frustration at his situation on her. And he hadn't. Despite the fact that he was obviously still unhappy, Wufei seemed determined to make the best of a bad situation. 'As am I. It may be too late for us to have the lives we would have chosen if the choice was truly ours but at the very least we can make sure that the next generation of our clan is not caught in the same trap.'
***
A soft sound from the hallway drew Heero from his sleep. Blinking, he propped himself up on his elbow and peered towards the door. "Duo? Is something wrong?"
"No..." The response was a bit more hesitant than he would have liked but that was nothing new. Everything about Duo remained just a bit more hesitant than it used to be. It still hurt to see and hear but the rest of them were slowly adjusting to it. Accepting that this was simply the way things were going to be. Duo had progressed to a certain point and no further. He had *mostly* restored his friendship with Heero and the others, had even made a certain amount of cautious progress in his new relationship with Heero, but outsiders remained that way. No new friends. No one else was allowed to get close. Even the outside fringes of their friends and acquaintances - anyone beyond Quatre, Trowa, and Heero - those were held cautiously at arm's length, only allowed to know the quiet, distant, efficient coworker. And Heero was a bit - disturbed - by the fact that Une and the others in that outer grouping did not really understand just how little they knew about Duo as he now was. They all *liked* the new, "mature" Duo, writing all the changes in him off as signs of maturity rather than recognizing them as the coping mechanism that they were.
"Do you need to talk?" Heero offered as Duo continued to hover in his doorway.
"I... I dreamt about - well, you know..."
"I know..." Heero agreed softly. Actually, he *didn't* know, not for sure, but he could guess. Either the old nightmares about Solo and the church were putting in another appearance or Duo had dreamt about Wufei. Wartime nightmares had a different effect on Duo, sending him off to the apartment building's gym at unearthly hours of the night to burn off the adrenaline and anger.
"Heero, I... I don't want to be alone tonight." The words came out in a rush. "Could I..."
Shocked to his core that Duo was actually reaching out, breaking past another of his carefully erected barriers, Heero still managed to force himself into action. "Of course," he said, flipping back the covers in invitation before sliding well over on the bed. He left one sheet against the mattress when he flipped the covers back, leaving it between them as a reminder to himself not to crowd too close to Duo.
Duo hesitated again beside the bed, then reached out and moved the other sheet before crawling in. "Could you... just hold me?" he whispered softly.
Heero swallowed hard, then reached out, gathering Duo to him carefully. The amount of trembling that was shaking Duo worried him, made him concerned that this was too much contact - too much intimacy - for Duo, but when he started to loosen his embrace, Duo protested, "No... Tighter, Heero. Hold me tighter, please..."
"Alright," he murmured softly, tightening his hold. After a few minutes, Duo shifted, tucking his head under Heero's chin and entwining their legs, pressing their bodies as tightly together as possible. More time passed, how much Heero really didn't know, but finally the trembling ceased and Duo's breathing and heartbeat levelled off at something closer to a normal resting rate. He had decided that Duo was finally asleep and was just about to let himself drift off, still overwhelmed by this unexpected show of trust from Duo, when a soft voice pulled him back to full consciousness.
"You... won't leave me, will you Heero? At least, not by choice?"
"Never, Duo," he swore fervently. "Never by choice." Between them lay the knowledge that there were many things that could happen to take him away *without* any choice. A mission gone bad, a car accident, an illness, all those were things that could take him away without his consent. But if he *did* have a choice, he would not walk away from Duo. Not now, not ever. Regardless of whether their relationship ever progressed any further or not.
"Okay," Duo whispered softly. "You know I l... l..."
Heero closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to the top of Duo's head, tightening his arms around him slightly. "I know. The fact that you're even here with me tells me that," he assured him, heart aching at the fruitless struggle for the words. "And I do you too," he promised, carefully avoiding that forbidden word. He had no desire to trigger a panic attack and set them back again after all the progress they'd just made. "Now sleep. We both have work tomorrow..."
Work that he was looking forward to less and less as time went on. As it became increasingly clear that to Une and the other top brass, they were nothing more than tools, tools which were not expected to have any sort of personal life whatsoever. Trowa had already quit in disgust after being sent on two multi-month undercover operations in a row, operations that could easily have been assigned to someone else, someone who was *not* in a longterm relationship. But while *married* operatives were, by and large, excused from such assignments, same-sex relationships were not given the same courtesy. When Une had handed him the orders for the third such assignment, Trowa had handed them right back again, along with his resignation. Heero agreed with his decision. There were plenty of other trained agents in the Preventers, Trowa was entitled to a life of his own.
Heero was a bit concerned about what would happen when Une finally figured out that he and Duo were more than best friends, which they were even if they weren't technically lovers - yet. Logically, nothing *should* happen since if same-sex relationships weren't entitled to equal status with marriages in other ways, they shouldn't fall under the no-married-partners rule either. But he wasn't betting on it. Since he had no intention of accepting another partner, however, she would be left with a simple choice - leave him partnered with Duo, let him go solo, or accept his resignation. He just didn't like the fact that the last two choices would leave Duo partnered with someone else. Unless Duo was willing to follow his example. And that was something he really didn't know. Duo's job had been the only thing keeping Duo going during the year after Wufei left; he wasn't certain that Duo would be willing to walk away from it now.
***
Wufei shook his head fondly. Jun simply would not admit that she needed more rest as the pregnancy progressed. This was the second time in the past week that she had fallen asleep at the table, papers spread across its surface. 'She is very determined that everything be in place before the baby is born. That we will be ready to face the elders and tell them that not only will we not allow them to arrange our child's marriage but that they no longer have full control of the clan's finances nor of the colony's administration. That the power has been returned to Jun's hands. That our generation will not allow the next to be manipulated and controlled like puppets suspended from the strings of honour and duty.'
Carefully, Wufei lifted his wife's sleeping form and carried her to her room. He had turned back the covers beforehand so he was able to place her on the bed, remove her thin slippers, and tuck her in. Pausing in her doorway and glancing back towards the bed, Wufei thought how very like Meilan she was - and yet very unlike her at the same time. The determination and stubbornness were certainly the same. But Jun's temper was less fiery than her sister's had been. That did not mean that she was meek by any means; merely that she had other - possibly more effective - ways of expressing her displeasure. Something that the elders were going to find out in the not-too-distant future.
Pulling the door closed behind him, Wufei returned to take up the task that Jun had been working on, tracing clan financial records back to determine how much money should actually belong to individual families within the clan. Offering to return at least a percentage of those funds to the direct control of their rightful owners should buy Jun a few more supporters. And every extra supporter they could muster would improve their chances of success.
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Title: #2 - Payment Rendered
Part: 1/2
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Mar. 11, 2003
Story Finished: Apr. 24, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings (more-or-less in chronological order): 5x2 (past), 3x4, 5xOC (het), 1x2x1
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 200, Heero & Duo are working as Preventers.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Jun entered the house, weary yet determined. Her grandmother was not expected to last the night. Someone would come for her when the time of death neared but for now she had been sent home in deference to her pregnancy. She was glad of the excuse to leave, having felt very odd sitting there rejoicing that she would indeed be clan head before her child's birth. That she would have the power she needed to protect her child from a fate like hers and Wufei's.
As she moved through the house, intending to find Wufei and try to determine whether he would support her in her intention to wrest power back from the elders, Jun carefully considered her plans. Taking control of the clan away from the elders would not be simple. Over the years they had gradually usurped much of the clan head's powers. Reclaiming that authority would require determination and careful planning. If she had to do this alone, she would. But she would far rather have Wufei's support solidly behind her. Together, they could ensure that their child would not be trapped by the elders into a life of duty, would not be bound by the elders' interpretation of "honour". That their child would not follow in their footsteps.
***
In the darkness of the movie theatre, Duo wriggled in his seat in order to get his head positioned more comfortably against Heero's shoulder. Heero slipped an arm behind him to draw him as much closer as the seats would allow. Half expecting his usual flare of panic at the increased intimacy, Duo was distinctly relieved by its absence and sighed *almost* contentedly.
The past couple of months had *not* been easy. Tearing down the mental and emotional barriers he had worked so hard to build hadn't happened overnight. Their complete collapse after Heero's close call had been misleading. Once Heero was out of immediate danger, the barriers had gone back up again without any conscious decision on Duo's part. He had made some efforts at partially lowering them. Had managed to visit Heero at the hospital.
And then he had discovered that the barriers were no longer the voluntary things he had originally so painstakingly built. That he had no real control over them. That he was absolutely fucking *terrified* of any type of closeness or intimacy, be it friendly or otherwise.
The first time that he had truly relapsed had been when Heero was released from the hospital. Heero had been extremely restricted in what he could do - no bending or lifting, for example. He had asked Duo to move back into the guestroom at his apartment while he recovered. Duo had not been prepared for that. Just the thought of being in that close of contact with *any* of his friends, let alone Heero, after spending so much time isolating himself had been too much. He had refused and fled back to his dreary little apartment. Back to his distant, lonely existence. Back to safety.
In the end, it had been Trowa that had moved in to help Heero through his convalescence. And Trowa that had shamed Duo back out of his isolation, showing up at his apartment and demanding to know when Duo Maxwell had become such a coward. Such a quitter. Such a *liar*. Reminding him that he had told Heero he was willing to try.
Duo had spent a sleepless night that night. And the next. Then he had finally got his act together enough to visit Heero at home and had started cautiously letting the others back into his life as well. He had thought he was okay. Had thought that he had managed to break those barriers down for good this time. Until on one of their first actual dates, Heero had kissed him and told him that he loved him.
That had been Duo's first ever experience with a panic attack. Ten minutes that ranked in the scariest of his life. Between the racing heart, the sweating, the shaking, and the shortness of breath, he had been convinced that he was about to die. He had scared the hell out of Heero.
Fortunately, there had only been a few other panic attacks since then, much milder ones that lasted only a few minutes. But they had been taking things very, very slowly ever since that first one. The "l-word" was quite definitely off-limits, at least for the moment, being a virtually guaranteed trigger for a panic attack. And Heero was careful to always let Duo make the first move. Duo himself was cautious about pushing his limits. But after a lot of soul-searching, he was sure he was ready for the next step.
As the credits rolled up the screen and the lights came back up, Duo twisted in his seat to look at Heero. "Hey, Heero?" 'I can do this,' he told himself firmly. As Heero turned his head to meet Duo's eyes, Duo gave him a slightly shaky smile and asked, "Is that guest bedroom still available?"
Heero went very still, eyes searching Duo's face. "Of course..." he breathed softly.
"Good, 'cause I gave notice on my apartment today and I need to be out by the end of the month," Duo told him. The look of delight on Heero's face was more than worth the hours he had spent talking himself into this. He wasn't ready for anything more than sharing an apartment yet. When he said "guest bedroom", he meant just that. But maybe, after a few weeks of even that much forced intimacy, he would be ready to handle a little more.
***
"This better be important..."
"Quatre, he's moving in!" Heero interrupted. He'd been unable to wait till morning to share the good news. And it *was* good news. Sure, Duo was moving into the *guestroom*, but that was going to force more contact than he'd had with *any* of them since Wufei had left. It was *tremendous* progress.
The video on the phone winked to life, revealing Quatre still in the midst of tying the sash on a sloppily-donned bathrobe. Trowa stepped into the video pickup's range, also wearing a bathrobe. Heero was momentarily embarrassed at the realization that he'd apparently interrupted something but he was too delighted for the embarrassment to last long.
"*Duo* is moving in?" Quatre demanded. "With you?"
"Yes! Well, he's moving into the guestroom, but he *is* moving into my apartment... *And* it was his idea!"
"Heero, that's wonderful news!" exclaimed Quatre, beaming happily. "Isn't it, Trowa?"
"Very," Trowa responded, smiling faintly.
"I'm sorry I called so late," Heero apologized. "I just had to share the news. Sometimes I've wondered if we would *ever* get *any* of our Duo back..." Or whether they would always be left with the painfully silent, withdrawn, dim shadow of Duo that had been created by Wufei's betrayal. 'No, "betrayal" is unfair and I know it. Right after the war, I would have been the same way if ordered on a mission. Everything else would have taken second place, no matter how important it was to me.'
Not anymore though. For him, his realization of where his true priorities belonged had come when he first realized that he was in love with his best friend. Realized it too late, after his best friend had already fallen in love with the friend who had been willing to put him before work. Who had been willing to court him and woo him. Leaving Heero regretting all the times that he'd turned down Duo's invitations for a "guys' night out" or a quick game of one-on-one in favour of working late on reports that no one ever actually read anyway.
Sometimes he wondered whether Wufei would ever get *his* priorities straight. Would ever realize that his personal honour and integrity were what was genuinely important.
Whether Wufei would ever come back, hoping to win back Duo. And whether Duo would forgive him and go back to him if that day ever arrived.
"Quatre, have you ever heard from Wufei?" Heero asked abruptly.
Onscreen, Quatre exchanged a nervous glance with Trowa, then admitted, "No, but I've had someone - well, keeping an eye on him. Just in case he ever needed help..."
"How is he?" Heero asked.
Quatre answered evasively, "His wife is... expecting. And with her grandmother's recent illness and expected death, she is likely to be instated as clan leader very soon now." He hesitated, then questioned, "Has Duo ever..."
"No," Heero responded, shaking his head. "He never so much as says his name. He may even be afraid to - it would be a very likely trigger for a panic attack. Sometimes, something will remind him and he gets this look on his face... This awful mix of fear and anger and love... I don't know whether he'll ever really 'get over it'."
"He still loves Wufei."
Heero nodded in response to Quatre's statement. "I believe he does, yes. I don't really know whether he could ever forgive him or trust him again, but he still loves him. He wouldn't still be hurting this badly if he didn't.
"Just as I'm pretty sure that, whether he ever can say the words or not, he loves me now too. He wouldn't be pushing his boundaries this hard if he didn't."
"What if..."
"Don't," Heero warned sharply. "Quatre, just - don't. If it ever happens, it happens. There's nothing I can do about it and I won't spoil whatever time I have with Duo by worrying about something that may never take place."
Ending his call with a few brief words, Heero mused, 'I never thought that I would have *any* time with Duo. He and Wufei were so happy together, I never would have jeopardized that by letting him discover how I felt.
'And I never would have wanted the time I have now at the high price Duo has paid for it. The high price Duo and Wufei both have paid for it. Because I don't doubt that Wufei loved - probably still loves - Duo. It's just unfortunate that he loved his family's so-called "honour" more.
'But since the price has already been paid, regardless of whether I end up with Duo or not, at least this way I can have a small piece of happiness and also make him happy again. Probably never quite as happy as he was - that seemingly-indestructible faith of his that things would always work out for the best, would always be okay in the end, has been pretty thoroughly destroyed, and with it went his almost childlike wonder and delight in life - but happy enough that at least he isn't looking for chances to get himself killed anymore.'
Maybe someday he would find a way to get Duo beyond that point. To make him take real delight in life again. He certainly intended to try. But for now, Heero would take comfort from the small gains they'd already made. Those moments when Duo's smile, small and tentative though it was, flickered into life for a few brief instants. The times when Duo hugged him or kissed his cheek or even, as on two memorable occasions recently, managed to press a chaste kiss to his lips without triggering a panic attack. Those were the little things Heero treasured, the tiny indications that at least a little bit of progress had been made. That Duo was slowly recovering some of his old self.
***
Wufei's hand hovered over the phone for several long minutes before he finally drew it back again. 'No. It was my choice to break off all contact with the others. Quatre and Trowa made it clear at the wedding that they still considered me a friend and that I should contact them if I needed anything but it is still too soon to try to pick up that friendship. I am not ready to face Duo again and if I resume contact with the others that is far too likely to happen. And as much as I would like to know how Duo is, calling Quatre to ask that will do no one the slightest bit of good. Because no matter what his answer might be, I cannot leave here.'
Now even more than before, he was tied to the colony, to his wife and their unborn child. Jun's grandmother had passed away and she had been formally declared clan head. The first careful groundwork for her rebellion - *their* rebellion - against the elders was already being laid. By the time she was forced to stand up to them openly, he and Jun hoped to have most if not all of their own generation ready to stand behind her. They were not the only ones trapped in unhappiness by their duty to the clan. There were others caught in loveless marriages or in jobs or fields of study that they were ill-suited for. Others in the process of being forced into thankless duty. Others weary of an outdated and backwards lifestyle, trapped by the merciless web spun by the elders.
For now, however, Jun was playing the part of the dutiful clan head admirably. Decisions that she disagreed with were surreptitiously changed; contracts were altered or shuffled to the bottom of the pile to buy time. But all of those things were done without the elders' knowledge. They believed that she was following their wishes in every way. Eventually, that would have to end. She would be forced to openly defy them at some point. But the more time they could buy, the more contracts and agreements that they could alter, the better the odds that their rebellion would succeed. Because if they managed to remove control of the clan's finances and of the colony itself from the hands of the elders, the ultimate control over decisions would be Jun's. And then - things would truly begin to change.
***
Sprawled at opposite ends of the couch, Duo and Heero were watching a movie. Duo decided, 'Tonight. I've been living here for a damn month now and I haven't been able to make it past a closed-mouth kiss without a fucking panic attack. Not good enough. I l... l...' Dammit, he *still* couldn't even *think* the word. 'I *care* for Heero a *lot*. He's way more than my best friend. Even if I can't *tell* him how I feel, I want to at least be able to *show* him, and right now I can't even manage *that*!' Quite deliberately, he shifted down the couch towards Heero, moving over until their shoulders touched. Just thinking ahead to what he intended to try made his respiration alarmingly rapid. Duo had to pause and force himself through the deep breathing exercises that he used after nightmares. He managed to get his breathing and heartrate back under control finally. He was forcing things and he knew it. But he didn't seem to be making any damn progress and he was determined to finally manage *something* for god's sake.
He knew Heero wouldn't say a thing if he did end up backing off. If anything, that only made him more determined not to give up this time. Not to leave them both disappointed yet again.
Carefully, Duo shifted over onto his hip, bending one knee so that his upper leg rested partially on top of Heero's. He slid his arms around Heero and rested his head against Heero's chest. Heero's heartrate was elevated for a moment, then gradually dropped down to normal. After a few more minutes, his own levelled off, still slightly elevated but steady. Tipping his head back, Duo looked up into Heero's face and said softly, "Kiss me."
Heero's eyes widened. "Duo, are you..."
Duo reached up and touched his fingertips to Heero's mouth. "I'm sure." He drew his hand away and waited, face uplifted.
Heero leaned over, cradled Duo's face carefully in one hand, and brought their lips together. Considering that this was the first time he'd asked Heero to take the initiative, Duo was a little worried that he'd trigger off a panic attack but he managed to lose himself in the sensation of their lips moving together. Greatly daring, he parted his and flicked his tongue across Heero's mouth. The immediate flare of panic that appeared at Heero's willing response was blotted out by his anger at his own limitations. 'Heero won't leave me. I *know* he won't. He was willing to die to protect me; I can trust him.'
But part of him still doubted. And that was the part that wouldn't let him push things beyond kissing, beyond the cautious play of lips and teeth and tongues, at least not tonight. But he was determined to do so soon.
***
Jun leaned her head wearily against the car window. The first vague mention of a marriage contract for her and Wufei's child had occurred today. She had been ready for it, however, and had put on a spectacular display of hysteria at the thought of jinxing her pregnancy by making plans involving her unborn child. They had not even begun to prepare a nursery as she had been planning this approach all along. The elders had bought her performance, had fallen for it "hook, line, and sinker" as Wufei had worded it in English, his eyes dancing for a moment before clouding with memories. And the marriage contract had been dropped for now.
Glancing over at Wufei, Jun realized how fortunate she had truly been in her own arranged marriage. The age difference between herself and Wufei was a mere two years. And her husband was kind, considerate, and supportive. 'He has never even blamed me either for our marriage or for the destruction of the happiness he already had...' True, she had had as little to do with the elders' actions as Wufei himself had but he could very easily have chosen to take out his anger and frustration at his situation on her. And he hadn't. Despite the fact that he was obviously still unhappy, Wufei seemed determined to make the best of a bad situation. 'As am I. It may be too late for us to have the lives we would have chosen if the choice was truly ours but at the very least we can make sure that the next generation of our clan is not caught in the same trap.'
***
A soft sound from the hallway drew Heero from his sleep. Blinking, he propped himself up on his elbow and peered towards the door. "Duo? Is something wrong?"
"No..." The response was a bit more hesitant than he would have liked but that was nothing new. Everything about Duo remained just a bit more hesitant than it used to be. It still hurt to see and hear but the rest of them were slowly adjusting to it. Accepting that this was simply the way things were going to be. Duo had progressed to a certain point and no further. He had *mostly* restored his friendship with Heero and the others, had even made a certain amount of cautious progress in his new relationship with Heero, but outsiders remained that way. No new friends. No one else was allowed to get close. Even the outside fringes of their friends and acquaintances - anyone beyond Quatre, Trowa, and Heero - those were held cautiously at arm's length, only allowed to know the quiet, distant, efficient coworker. And Heero was a bit - disturbed - by the fact that Une and the others in that outer grouping did not really understand just how little they knew about Duo as he now was. They all *liked* the new, "mature" Duo, writing all the changes in him off as signs of maturity rather than recognizing them as the coping mechanism that they were.
"Do you need to talk?" Heero offered as Duo continued to hover in his doorway.
"I... I dreamt about - well, you know..."
"I know..." Heero agreed softly. Actually, he *didn't* know, not for sure, but he could guess. Either the old nightmares about Solo and the church were putting in another appearance or Duo had dreamt about Wufei. Wartime nightmares had a different effect on Duo, sending him off to the apartment building's gym at unearthly hours of the night to burn off the adrenaline and anger.
"Heero, I... I don't want to be alone tonight." The words came out in a rush. "Could I..."
Shocked to his core that Duo was actually reaching out, breaking past another of his carefully erected barriers, Heero still managed to force himself into action. "Of course," he said, flipping back the covers in invitation before sliding well over on the bed. He left one sheet against the mattress when he flipped the covers back, leaving it between them as a reminder to himself not to crowd too close to Duo.
Duo hesitated again beside the bed, then reached out and moved the other sheet before crawling in. "Could you... just hold me?" he whispered softly.
Heero swallowed hard, then reached out, gathering Duo to him carefully. The amount of trembling that was shaking Duo worried him, made him concerned that this was too much contact - too much intimacy - for Duo, but when he started to loosen his embrace, Duo protested, "No... Tighter, Heero. Hold me tighter, please..."
"Alright," he murmured softly, tightening his hold. After a few minutes, Duo shifted, tucking his head under Heero's chin and entwining their legs, pressing their bodies as tightly together as possible. More time passed, how much Heero really didn't know, but finally the trembling ceased and Duo's breathing and heartbeat levelled off at something closer to a normal resting rate. He had decided that Duo was finally asleep and was just about to let himself drift off, still overwhelmed by this unexpected show of trust from Duo, when a soft voice pulled him back to full consciousness.
"You... won't leave me, will you Heero? At least, not by choice?"
"Never, Duo," he swore fervently. "Never by choice." Between them lay the knowledge that there were many things that could happen to take him away *without* any choice. A mission gone bad, a car accident, an illness, all those were things that could take him away without his consent. But if he *did* have a choice, he would not walk away from Duo. Not now, not ever. Regardless of whether their relationship ever progressed any further or not.
"Okay," Duo whispered softly. "You know I l... l..."
Heero closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to the top of Duo's head, tightening his arms around him slightly. "I know. The fact that you're even here with me tells me that," he assured him, heart aching at the fruitless struggle for the words. "And I do you too," he promised, carefully avoiding that forbidden word. He had no desire to trigger a panic attack and set them back again after all the progress they'd just made. "Now sleep. We both have work tomorrow..."
Work that he was looking forward to less and less as time went on. As it became increasingly clear that to Une and the other top brass, they were nothing more than tools, tools which were not expected to have any sort of personal life whatsoever. Trowa had already quit in disgust after being sent on two multi-month undercover operations in a row, operations that could easily have been assigned to someone else, someone who was *not* in a longterm relationship. But while *married* operatives were, by and large, excused from such assignments, same-sex relationships were not given the same courtesy. When Une had handed him the orders for the third such assignment, Trowa had handed them right back again, along with his resignation. Heero agreed with his decision. There were plenty of other trained agents in the Preventers, Trowa was entitled to a life of his own.
Heero was a bit concerned about what would happen when Une finally figured out that he and Duo were more than best friends, which they were even if they weren't technically lovers - yet. Logically, nothing *should* happen since if same-sex relationships weren't entitled to equal status with marriages in other ways, they shouldn't fall under the no-married-partners rule either. But he wasn't betting on it. Since he had no intention of accepting another partner, however, she would be left with a simple choice - leave him partnered with Duo, let him go solo, or accept his resignation. He just didn't like the fact that the last two choices would leave Duo partnered with someone else. Unless Duo was willing to follow his example. And that was something he really didn't know. Duo's job had been the only thing keeping Duo going during the year after Wufei left; he wasn't certain that Duo would be willing to walk away from it now.
***
Wufei shook his head fondly. Jun simply would not admit that she needed more rest as the pregnancy progressed. This was the second time in the past week that she had fallen asleep at the table, papers spread across its surface. 'She is very determined that everything be in place before the baby is born. That we will be ready to face the elders and tell them that not only will we not allow them to arrange our child's marriage but that they no longer have full control of the clan's finances nor of the colony's administration. That the power has been returned to Jun's hands. That our generation will not allow the next to be manipulated and controlled like puppets suspended from the strings of honour and duty.'
Carefully, Wufei lifted his wife's sleeping form and carried her to her room. He had turned back the covers beforehand so he was able to place her on the bed, remove her thin slippers, and tuck her in. Pausing in her doorway and glancing back towards the bed, Wufei thought how very like Meilan she was - and yet very unlike her at the same time. The determination and stubbornness were certainly the same. But Jun's temper was less fiery than her sister's had been. That did not mean that she was meek by any means; merely that she had other - possibly more effective - ways of expressing her displeasure. Something that the elders were going to find out in the not-too-distant future.
Pulling the door closed behind him, Wufei returned to take up the task that Jun had been working on, tracing clan financial records back to determine how much money should actually belong to individual families within the clan. Offering to return at least a percentage of those funds to the direct control of their rightful owners should buy Jun a few more supporters. And every extra supporter they could muster would improve their chances of success.
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