Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Cost of Honour Trilogy #3 - Paid in Full ❯ Chapter 3
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Calic0cat 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.09.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 488 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.09.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 488 | Status: Completed
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Title: #3 - Paid in Full
Part: 3/5
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Apr. 24, 2003
Story Finished: May 5, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4 implied, 5xOC (het), 5x2 (past)
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 201. Heero, Duo, Trowa, & Quatre are all living at a Winner estate on L4 and working at WEI.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
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Jun had second-guessed her impulsive offer to accompany Wufei numerous times during the shuttle trip. She had been a bit concerned that her presence would be unwelcome and possibly even resented. But the attractive blond and his handsome brunet partner had been quite welcoming when she and Wufei exited the shuttle with Meilan in Wufei's arms. Both men had insisted that she call them by their first names, gently but firmly pointing out that as the wife of their friend, she was automatically a friend as well. But Jun knew that these two were not the most deeply affected by her marriage to Wufei. Knew that the others, particularly her husband's former lover, might not be as accepting.
'But I am not sorry that I came. Having Meilan with him has helped Wufei I think. And he may need both her and me after he meets with Duo.' Jun knew that Wufei's meeting with Duo would be difficult at best. Even if Duo chose to forgive him, Wufei would be hurting both during it and afterwards. And the fact that they were staying at the Winner residence for the entire weekend could be a problem, particularly if things did not go well at the meeting.
A slender hand touched Jun's clasped ones lightly, drawing her attention to the blond seated across from her in the limousine. "Jun, I am glad that you came with Wufei. From what he has told me, you are doing some wonderful things with your clan. I am looking forward to hearing about some of those things during your stay," Quatre said, smiling gently.
Jun offered a small smile in return. "I would be honoured to discuss them with you," she answered, inclining her head respectfully. She hesitated a moment, stealing a quick sideways glance at the quiet conversation taking place between Wufei and Trowa, then down to her daughter, still sleeping in her travel seat between herself and Wufei, before saying carefully, "I was wondering about the - sleeping arrangements - for Mei..." Asking directly what the sleeping arrangements for herself and Wufei were would be in poor taste but she was hoping that the young man across from her would understand what she was really asking. She and Wufei had not shared a bed since her pregnancy was confirmed and she did not think that this weekend would be a good time to start doing so. Their future as a couple was something that they had never actually addressed; Jun thought that was because both of them were still coming to terms with the fact that those they loved were forever beyond their reach now. She was also hoping that Wufei's room would not be too close to that of his former lover and his mate. That would only make a difficult situation even more painful.
The understanding look she received from Quatre relieved Jun's concerns before he even spoke. "I have had connecting rooms across the hall from my own prepared for you. There is even a crib still in one of them from the last time that one of my sisters was here with her family." Blue eyes flicked towards Wufei then back to meet hers before he continued, "Those rooms are more suitable than any in Heero and Duo's wing."
Jun dipped her chin very slightly in acknowledgement. Her liking and respect for the young man seated across from her increased even more. 'He understood what I was concerned about and answered all of my unspoken questions very neatly. And connecting rooms with the excuse of a crib in one allows us to make our own sleeping arrangements however we wish without any fuss. I see that Quatre Winner is as perceptive and tactful in private life as he is reputed to be in business.'
***
Heero watched for the limousine's arrival from an upstairs window, Duo standing beside him. When Duo stepped in front of him, back to his chest, and pulled Heero's arms around him, Heero wasn't sure which of them needed the reassurance more. Duo had freely admitted that he was nervous about this. Particularly since Wufei's wife and daughter were coming along too. 'And while their presence makes it unlikely that Wufei intends to ask Duo to take him back, I am still worried,' Heero admitted silently. 'Worried that this will turn into a confrontation that pushes Duo back into his isolation again. Worried that seeing Wufei again will remind him how happy he was before and that he'll realize that what we have isn't enough...' Worried that Duo would discover that he was still in love with Wufei and decide that he'd rather be alone than settle for second best...
'I know that Duo said I *wasn't* second best but I still can't help thinking that he'll feel differently once he's face-to-face with Wufei again. They just were so *happy* together...' Heero's arms tightened unconsciously around Duo as he worried.
"Ro, *stop* it," Duo scolded, twisting around to face Heero. He reached up and ran his fingers across Heero's forehead, smoothing worry lines that Heero hadn't even realized were there. "I *know* you're fretting about this, love. What I don't understand is why you have so much trouble believing that I'm happy with you. Why you think that I was so much happier with Wufei..."
Heero swallowed uncomfortably, then said softly, "You two were *always* happy once you got together. You always seemed to get along so well... You and I argue and get frustrated with each other and..."
Duo raised his hand to Heero's mouth, stopping the flow of words. "Heero, you're making an unfair comparison. You only saw Wufei and I together in public. You may not have seen us fight but that's only because we agreed early on in our relationship that we would keep our disagreements *private*. Think about it, love. When have *we* ever fought in public?"
Heero stared at Duo for several long minutes, certain that they *must* have done so, but no matter how much he searched his memory, he couldn't find an instance where they had had an actual argument in front of anyone else. Yet there *were* instances where Duo had been upset with him - but Duo had always waited until they were alone to express his displeasure.
"You can't think of a single time, can you?" Duo said with a wry grin.
Heero shook his head slowly, still trying to figure out why he had never noticed that before.
"You're just as much of a private person as Wufei. I assumed that you would also prefer to keep our private business between ourselves, so I've always waited till we're alone to - discuss - matters," Duo explained. "You've never tried to start an argument with me in public either, even though we've never actually discussed this before, so I think that my assumption wasn't too far off. And I prefer things that way myself. We're partners, Heero, in every way possible, and partners should present a united front. That doesn't mean we always have to agree - it just means that we don't make an issue out of our disagreements in front of other people. That we don't do anything to run each other down or belittle each other.
"So you see, the fact that you didn't *see* Wufei and I argue doesn't mean that we never did. We had our fair share of disagreements running the whole range from serious to just plain silly. Just like you and I do. So, does that take care of *that* particular concern?"
Nodding, Heero said simply, "Yes." He hesitated, then decided to go ahead and list a few of his other concerns. "But - you're quieter and more subdued now too. You don't laugh or smile as much..."
Duo's eyes closed for a moment before opening to meet Heero's levelly. "You're right. But 'Ro, those changes would be there now no matter what. No matter who I was with. Everything that happened *did* change me. Some of it was just plain growing up; the rest was caused by what Wufei did. And not all of those changes were bad ones." Heero leaned his face into the hand that Duo raised to stroke his cheek as Duo continued, "Me being more subdued and cautious means that I'm less likely to impulsively say or do something that would hurt someone. Especially you. And I'm not as impatient with your caution and attention to detail. Those are *good* changes.
"As for the laughing and smiling..." Duo sighed and shrugged slightly. "I'm sorry if I don't show my happiness as clearly as I used to, love. I guess maybe that's just part of the whole more subdued thing. Or maybe just part of growing up. If you're not sure whether I'm happy or not, just ask - I promise that I won't hedge my answer. But Heero, if you think about the times that I *do* laugh and smile - what do they have in common?" Duo didn't wait for a response before answering his own question, "*You*, koi. I'm happiest when I'm with *you*."
"You're sure?" Heero just had to ask. Everything Duo said made sense but he'd spent so long thinking that Duo's life with Wufei had been perfect or damn close to it that he was having trouble believing that Duo was genuinely just as happy with him.
"Yes, Heero. Very sure. And very happy to be with *you*," Duo assured him firmly.
Heero leaned forward to capture Duo's lips in a grateful kiss. He was still a bit worried but Duo had eased the worst of his fears. Now, Heero just wished that the limousine would hurry up and arrive so that the initial meeting between Duo and Wufei would be over and done with and his other fears out of the way. 'God I hope Duo is truly ready for this, that it doesn't upset him too badly or drive him back into his isolation...'
***
As the limousine finally pulled into the driveway, Duo stirred in Heero's embrace and gave Heero's arm a gentle squeeze. "Ready koi?"
"If you are," Heero answered.
"As ready as I'm going to be," Duo answered honestly. He didn't think that any amount of time or preparation could make this *easy*. But he had his temper firmly under control for the moment and he suspected that the presence of Wufei's wife and daughter would actually help him to keep it that way. None of this could exactly be fun for Jun either. And the baby was truly blameless in the entire thing.
About to head downstairs to meet the others, Duo stopped for a moment as he realized something. He caught hold of Heero's arm. "Wait a minute, 'Ro. Umm, if Wufei wants to talk to me in private, I think I can handle that. I think maybe I *need* to face him on my own. But - stay close enough to hear if I call, okay?" He *hoped* that he wouldn't need Heero's physical presence for support, hoped that merely knowing Heero was nearby would be enough, but he was realistic enough to acknowledge that a panic attack was not exactly an impossibility and if Wufei tried to help it would only make things worse. So he needed Heero close enough to be there instantly if necessary.
Heero pulled him into a firm hug and assured him that of course he would stay nearby. Pressing a quick kiss of thanks to Heero's cheek, Duo thought, 'And having him that close may help Heero too. I know he's still worried, that little crease between his eyebrows tells me that. Not that anyone *else* would ever notice it, mind you...'
He hoped that most of the remaining concern was simply Heero worrying about *him* rather than Heero worrying about their relationship. Hoped that his earlier explanations had soothed Heero's concerns about his happiness. 'I need to try and show my happiness more clearly. Or at least *tell* Heero that I'm happy more often; make sure he knows that I am. That he understands that he *makes* me happy...' Because Heero *did* make him happy. Maybe it was a quiet, contented happiness rather than the almost giddy excitement that he had shown at times when he was with Wufei, but then he was a different person now. And that quiet content was far from dull or boring. It was interspersed with bursts of excitement and moments of sheer bliss.
And behind it all ran the deep, steady love between Heero and him. A love that Heero had proven over and over again in thousands of little ways as well as in big ones. Big ways like when he'd taken the bullet meant for Duo. And when he'd quit the Preventers rather than allow duty to tear him away for months on end. Little ways like uncomplainingly cleaning the hair out of the shower drain when Duo was in a rush and forgot. Like bringing him a sandwich and a drink when he got caught up in something at work and forgot to stop for lunch. Like putting up with his crankiness and holding the sick-pail for him when he had a bad bout of the stomach flu. And all the other little things that Heero did for him. Things that Duo genuinely appreciated and that he tried - though evidently not hard enough - to make sure Heero knew he did. 'I will never, ever doubt that Heero loves me and will do anything in his power to make me happy... But I need to work harder at making sure that he knows I feel the same way about him...''
As they reached the foot of the stairs, Duo threaded his fingers through Heero's and squeezed his hand firmly. Heero paused for a moment, giving him a questioning look. Duo smiled at him and silently mouthed, "Love you." The smile and equally silent, "Love you too" in return prompted him to take a sidestep and lean against Heero's shoulder for an instant, straightening again just as the door opened and the others entered. Duo tightened his fingers around Heero's and braced himself against the emotional storm that was sure to come.
***
Wufei hung back slightly and let Quatre introduce Jun and Meilan to Duo and Heero. He had deliberately stayed behind with Trowa to help carry in the luggage. Travelling with an infant meant that there was quite a bit of it to deal with, something Wufei was grateful for right now. He needed a few minutes to compose himself before having to speak with the others. Seeing Heero and Duo standing so close together; seeing the way that Duo drifted back towards Heero and automatically reached for his hand once the introductions were over with... It hurt. Not quite as much as he had feared, but it still hurt. And the curt nod and cool "Chang" from Heero that was echoed by Duo hurt just as much. 'Duo's friendship is not the only one that I may have permanently lost,' he realized painfully. Somehow, his ready acceptance by Quatre and Trowa had led him to hope that Heero would be willing to resume their friendship too. That if anything, Heero might even be a bit friendlier now that Wufei was no longer with Duo. 'I had not stopped to consider that unless Duo is willing to forgive me and allow me to be friends again, Heero will not. That by hurting Duo, I forfeited Heero's friendship despite the fact that in the end, Heero has benefited from my actions.'
Jun accepted Quatre's offer to show her to the kitchen as Mei had woken during their ride to the estate and was now becoming quite insistent that it was time to be fed. For a moment, Wufei was tempted to go with her and postpone his conversation with Duo. 'Putting it off will not make this any easier,' he decided reluctantly. "Duo, may I speak to you alone?" he asked carefully. This was going to be difficult no matter what, but Wufei really did not want an audience for it.
Duo's face tightened and he nodded abruptly. "In there," he said, gesturing to a room just a few feet down the hall from the entryway they were standing in.
Moving towards the room and entering ahead of Duo, Wufei was a bit disappointed that Duo left the door open behind him. He had hoped for more privacy but he did not dare press for any further concessions.
"Alright. I'm here; we're alone. I've agreed to listen to what you have to say. So say it and let's get this over with," Duo said harshly.
Wufei winced at the tone. It did not bode well for his hopes of forgiveness. His carefully-rehearsed speech deserted him under Duo's cold gaze. 'God Duo, you've changed so much...' If anything, he had expected furious accusations and anger. That he could have dealt with. This cold severity was completely unanticipated and he did not know how to deal with it. "I..." Wufei fumbled for words, finally blurting out, "Duo, I am very sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I - handled things badly. I should have been more gentle in breaking the news to you and..." His words stumbled to a halt as Duo shook his head.
"You still don't get it, do you Chang? You still don't see that there were other choices. That you should have come to me, explained the situation, and the two of us should have sat down together and discussed your options. That we should have made a decision *together*."
"Duo, there *were* no 'options', I had to..."
"There are *always* options. They are not necessarily *good* options but they always exist. Maybe the decision would have been the same in the end. Maybe it wouldn't. But it should not have been your decision alone. Not when it affected me just as much as you," Duo said flatly.
"But it *didn't* - my family's honour..."
Duo cut him off with a sharp chop of his hand. "The marriage contract specified a marriage and an heir. What about a marriage in name only, a child through artificial means, and a quickie divorce?"
Wufei froze, blood turning to ice in his veins. He had never even considered dodging the terms like that... For all the arguing he had done with the elders, he had never once brought up something like that. Something that would have technically fulfilled the terms of the contract but left him free in a short period of time. That just wasn't the way his mind worked... He wasn't entirely certain that the elders would have been satisfied that it fulfilled the contract - wasn't entirely certain that *he* would have been - but... 'But it was a possibility. And it's just the sort of thing that Duo *would* think of...' "I never..."
"You never thought of it," Duo said grimly. "Heero did. It's one of the things that he and Q and Tro tried to suggest to you. One of the alternatives that you stubbornly refused to listen to because there *was* no choice as far as you were concerned. I *might* have thought of it myself if I hadn't been so totally out of it. But considering that Q and Heero spent however-the-hell-long it was between your announcement and your wedding spoon-feeding me and taking care of me since I was practically catatonic, I guess it's not too surprising that I wasn't being too creative. And hell, it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway at that point. You'd already given your own damn word to the elders that you'd go through with a full-blown traditional marriage. Without bothering to discuss it with the person who was *supposed* to be your partner in life."
The bitterness in Duo's voice twisted Wufei's gut painfully. He felt literally sick at the thought that there might just *maybe* have been a way out. That he could possibly have passed up the chance to satisfy the elders, preserve his family's honour, and still keep his own happiness because he'd been so sure of his own decision. Because he hadn't delayed the elders while he talked things over with Duo. And what Duo had said about the shape that he'd been in - that careless mention of being practically catatonic, of being spoon-fed - that left him nauseous as well... "I..."
Duo shook his head and waved his hand dismissively. "I don't know if it would have even mattered if you *had* listened to the guys. It might have already been too late."
Through stiff lips, Wufei forced out, "What do you mean? Why would it have been too late?"
Duo's eyes met his directly for the first time during their confrontation and Wufei realized that as well as sparkling with anger, unshed tears lingered there as well. "Because when you chose duty over love, over *us*, you destroyed my trust in our love. My trust in *you*." He lifted his chin proudly and said, "I'm not in love with you anymore W-Wufei. I still care about you and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you. But when you destroyed my trust... When I stopped trusting you..." He spread his hands and shook his head. "Somewhere along the line, I stopped being in love with you too."
***
Duo hadn't intended to mention Heero's alternative solution. He hadn't ever thought of it himself. At the time he had been too deeply in shock from the betrayal to do much at all other than start building barriers against ever being so deeply hurt again. And afterwards - well, afterwards he had deliberately not thought about much of anything to do with Wufei and his choice. Heero hadn't mentioned it either until quite recently. It was only when the two of them were talking about the whole thing after he had finally broken down and wept in Heero's arms, letting go of the bottled-up grief, that Heero *had* mentioned it. Had mentioned it only because Duo had asked him what options the three of them had come up with; because Duo had wondered what choices they had tried to present to Wufei only to run into his stubborn refusal to listen. He had always wondered a bit, ever since Quatre's mention of the things that Heero had come up with in his attempts to find a way for Duo to keep Wufei. He strongly suspected that there were other things, things that were perhaps a bit less than ethical, simply based on the way Quatre had spoken at the time, but he hadn't pressed Heero any further. It was all ancient history now anyway and best forgotten.
Which was why Duo hadn't intended to rub Wufei's nose in the fact that he'd fucked up even worse than he'd realized. But Wufei's "apology" had ticked him off. Had Wufei apologized for making such an important decision without allowing him a say in it, this would have probably stayed quite civil. But instead, all he was hearing was an apology for hurting him and for not breaking things to him more gently. 'As if breaking the news "more gently" would have made any difference! "It's over, I'm marrying someone else" would have hurt just as much no matter *how* it was worded!'
And so now he was standing here having said a whole bunch of things that he hadn't intended to say and deliberately hurting Wufei in retaliation for apologizing for all the wrong things. 'Dammit, I didn't intend to *do* that...' he thought miserably as Wufei's face paled and he flinched from Duo's flat statement.
"I - deserve that..." Wufei said in a tight voice. "I did not expect that you would still love me after what I did. But Duo, I want you to know that I do still love you. Always."
Duo flinched, the words throwing him back in time, reminding him of the last time that Wufei had said that to him. Of the last time that they had made love. The next morning, he and Heero had left on their week-long mission and when he returned, it had been to news of Wufei's engagement. The memories, the betrayal, the shock, and the pain came back in a rush. Duo started to shake and it became hard to catch his breath.
"Duo? What's wrong?" Wufei stepped towards him and reached out as if to touch him.
That was the last straw. The panic attack became inevitable. Duo managed to drag in enough breath to gasp out, "RO!" desperately. And in an instant, Heero was there, shoving Wufei away from him and sweeping him up to carry him to the privacy of their room.
***
Stunned and confused, Wufei followed Heero into the hallway. Trowa stopped him with an outstretched arm. "What happened? What did you say to him?" Trowa demanded.
"I just... I told him that I still love him. That I always will," Wufei stammered. He had wanted Duo to know that despite his actions, his feelings hadn't changed. That they never would; that Duo would always be his love. That he hadn't thrown their love away lightly, no matter how it must have seemed.
Trowa swore under his breath. "No wonder he had another damn panic attack after going so long without one."
"Panic attack?" Wufei whispered in shock. "What do you mean *another* panic attack?" he demanded, catching hold of Trowa's arm.
Trowa began to speak, then stopped and shook his head. "I've said too much already. That is not my story to tell. If you really want to know, ask Heero. Though I wouldn't advise doing so right now; he won't be in a very tolerant mood with you since you upset Duo."
Wufei nodded his acknowledgement numbly. 'So many mistakes... So much pain and heartache...' "Trowa, could you please show me to my room? I think - I need to be alone for a while." Trowa nodded sharply and headed towards the stairs. Wufei followed silently. He needed to do some serious thinking.
***
Heero carried Duo's shaking form up the stairs and to the privacy of their room as quickly as he could, cursing himself for not realizing what Wufei's words would do and rushing to Duo's side before things got this far. He bit his tongue, fighting down the words of love and comfort that he wanted to utter, afraid that he would only make things worse. He wasn't even certain that picking Duo up had been the right thing to do but he had known that he needed to put some distance between Duo and Wufei or things would only get worse. 'And Duo *is* clinging to me - so maybe the contact is okay...' God, he hoped so. If this set Duo back to the way he was when they first started dating, Heero swore he was going to deck Wufei for his thoughtless words. Even though the other man had no way of knowing the effect those words would have on Duo.
When he reached their room, Heero was prepared to shift Duo around so that he could free one hand to open it. But before he could do so, Duo reached out with one shaking hand and managed to turn the knob. 'He's starting to come out of it already? Maybe... maybe he'll be alright, maybe he isn't as badly affected as I thought...'
Entering the room, Heero shoved the door shut behind them with one foot before crossing to the bed. He tried to set Duo down but Duo's hold on him tightened in protest. "You want me to hold you?" he asked.
Duo's murmured, "Yes," was a bit breathless but audible. And Heero realized that the shaking was easing off already. Settling himself against the headboard with Duo cradled against him, Heero began to rub gentle circles on Duo's back, trying to help him relax his muscles and get his breathing under control. After a minute, Duo's tight hold loosened and he shifted to lean his head against Heero's shoulder instead of being curled up tightly. "Ro? Tell me?" he asked.
'*Now*? He wants me to tell him that I love him when he's just coming out of a panic attack?!' Heero thought in disbelief. 'That could trigger off *another* one, after all, words of love set off the *first* one!'
"Ro? Please?"
Despite his concern, Heero couldn't refuse that pleading voice. "Ai shiteru, Duo. Eien ni."
"In English? Please, Heero?" Duo raised one hand to stroke Heero's cheek and Heero realized in amazement that the trembling had almost completely stopped. "I think I'm okay, koi, but - just try it please?"
Heero swallowed, then said carefully, "I love you, Duo." He hesitated, then, hoping he understood correctly what Duo wanted, added, "Always."
Duo smiled a bit shakily and responded, "Love you too, 'Ro." His smile steadied and grew broader. "I'm okay, Heero. *We're* okay. Really and truly okay. You saying it didn't bother me at all. So it was just the fact that it was W-Wufei and it was so close to one of my memories that set me off."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Heero pressed a kiss to Duo's forehead. "I was afraid..."
"I know," Duo said, touching his fingertips to Heero's lips. "But 'Ro, the instant you picked me up, the panic started to fade. You're so damn deep under my skin, so far inside my defences, that even my subconscious knows I'm safe in your arms, love."
Heero's arms tightened around Duo and he bent to capture his lips in a tender kiss. The last of his worries about Duo's feelings for Wufei and about any possible negative effects from Wufei's visit slipped away with Duo's words.
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Title: #3 - Paid in Full
Part: 3/5
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Apr. 24, 2003
Story Finished: May 5, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4 implied, 5xOC (het), 5x2 (past)
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 201. Heero, Duo, Trowa, & Quatre are all living at a Winner estate on L4 and working at WEI.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
Jun had second-guessed her impulsive offer to accompany Wufei numerous times during the shuttle trip. She had been a bit concerned that her presence would be unwelcome and possibly even resented. But the attractive blond and his handsome brunet partner had been quite welcoming when she and Wufei exited the shuttle with Meilan in Wufei's arms. Both men had insisted that she call them by their first names, gently but firmly pointing out that as the wife of their friend, she was automatically a friend as well. But Jun knew that these two were not the most deeply affected by her marriage to Wufei. Knew that the others, particularly her husband's former lover, might not be as accepting.
'But I am not sorry that I came. Having Meilan with him has helped Wufei I think. And he may need both her and me after he meets with Duo.' Jun knew that Wufei's meeting with Duo would be difficult at best. Even if Duo chose to forgive him, Wufei would be hurting both during it and afterwards. And the fact that they were staying at the Winner residence for the entire weekend could be a problem, particularly if things did not go well at the meeting.
A slender hand touched Jun's clasped ones lightly, drawing her attention to the blond seated across from her in the limousine. "Jun, I am glad that you came with Wufei. From what he has told me, you are doing some wonderful things with your clan. I am looking forward to hearing about some of those things during your stay," Quatre said, smiling gently.
Jun offered a small smile in return. "I would be honoured to discuss them with you," she answered, inclining her head respectfully. She hesitated a moment, stealing a quick sideways glance at the quiet conversation taking place between Wufei and Trowa, then down to her daughter, still sleeping in her travel seat between herself and Wufei, before saying carefully, "I was wondering about the - sleeping arrangements - for Mei..." Asking directly what the sleeping arrangements for herself and Wufei were would be in poor taste but she was hoping that the young man across from her would understand what she was really asking. She and Wufei had not shared a bed since her pregnancy was confirmed and she did not think that this weekend would be a good time to start doing so. Their future as a couple was something that they had never actually addressed; Jun thought that was because both of them were still coming to terms with the fact that those they loved were forever beyond their reach now. She was also hoping that Wufei's room would not be too close to that of his former lover and his mate. That would only make a difficult situation even more painful.
The understanding look she received from Quatre relieved Jun's concerns before he even spoke. "I have had connecting rooms across the hall from my own prepared for you. There is even a crib still in one of them from the last time that one of my sisters was here with her family." Blue eyes flicked towards Wufei then back to meet hers before he continued, "Those rooms are more suitable than any in Heero and Duo's wing."
Jun dipped her chin very slightly in acknowledgement. Her liking and respect for the young man seated across from her increased even more. 'He understood what I was concerned about and answered all of my unspoken questions very neatly. And connecting rooms with the excuse of a crib in one allows us to make our own sleeping arrangements however we wish without any fuss. I see that Quatre Winner is as perceptive and tactful in private life as he is reputed to be in business.'
***
Heero watched for the limousine's arrival from an upstairs window, Duo standing beside him. When Duo stepped in front of him, back to his chest, and pulled Heero's arms around him, Heero wasn't sure which of them needed the reassurance more. Duo had freely admitted that he was nervous about this. Particularly since Wufei's wife and daughter were coming along too. 'And while their presence makes it unlikely that Wufei intends to ask Duo to take him back, I am still worried,' Heero admitted silently. 'Worried that this will turn into a confrontation that pushes Duo back into his isolation again. Worried that seeing Wufei again will remind him how happy he was before and that he'll realize that what we have isn't enough...' Worried that Duo would discover that he was still in love with Wufei and decide that he'd rather be alone than settle for second best...
'I know that Duo said I *wasn't* second best but I still can't help thinking that he'll feel differently once he's face-to-face with Wufei again. They just were so *happy* together...' Heero's arms tightened unconsciously around Duo as he worried.
"Ro, *stop* it," Duo scolded, twisting around to face Heero. He reached up and ran his fingers across Heero's forehead, smoothing worry lines that Heero hadn't even realized were there. "I *know* you're fretting about this, love. What I don't understand is why you have so much trouble believing that I'm happy with you. Why you think that I was so much happier with Wufei..."
Heero swallowed uncomfortably, then said softly, "You two were *always* happy once you got together. You always seemed to get along so well... You and I argue and get frustrated with each other and..."
Duo raised his hand to Heero's mouth, stopping the flow of words. "Heero, you're making an unfair comparison. You only saw Wufei and I together in public. You may not have seen us fight but that's only because we agreed early on in our relationship that we would keep our disagreements *private*. Think about it, love. When have *we* ever fought in public?"
Heero stared at Duo for several long minutes, certain that they *must* have done so, but no matter how much he searched his memory, he couldn't find an instance where they had had an actual argument in front of anyone else. Yet there *were* instances where Duo had been upset with him - but Duo had always waited until they were alone to express his displeasure.
"You can't think of a single time, can you?" Duo said with a wry grin.
Heero shook his head slowly, still trying to figure out why he had never noticed that before.
"You're just as much of a private person as Wufei. I assumed that you would also prefer to keep our private business between ourselves, so I've always waited till we're alone to - discuss - matters," Duo explained. "You've never tried to start an argument with me in public either, even though we've never actually discussed this before, so I think that my assumption wasn't too far off. And I prefer things that way myself. We're partners, Heero, in every way possible, and partners should present a united front. That doesn't mean we always have to agree - it just means that we don't make an issue out of our disagreements in front of other people. That we don't do anything to run each other down or belittle each other.
"So you see, the fact that you didn't *see* Wufei and I argue doesn't mean that we never did. We had our fair share of disagreements running the whole range from serious to just plain silly. Just like you and I do. So, does that take care of *that* particular concern?"
Nodding, Heero said simply, "Yes." He hesitated, then decided to go ahead and list a few of his other concerns. "But - you're quieter and more subdued now too. You don't laugh or smile as much..."
Duo's eyes closed for a moment before opening to meet Heero's levelly. "You're right. But 'Ro, those changes would be there now no matter what. No matter who I was with. Everything that happened *did* change me. Some of it was just plain growing up; the rest was caused by what Wufei did. And not all of those changes were bad ones." Heero leaned his face into the hand that Duo raised to stroke his cheek as Duo continued, "Me being more subdued and cautious means that I'm less likely to impulsively say or do something that would hurt someone. Especially you. And I'm not as impatient with your caution and attention to detail. Those are *good* changes.
"As for the laughing and smiling..." Duo sighed and shrugged slightly. "I'm sorry if I don't show my happiness as clearly as I used to, love. I guess maybe that's just part of the whole more subdued thing. Or maybe just part of growing up. If you're not sure whether I'm happy or not, just ask - I promise that I won't hedge my answer. But Heero, if you think about the times that I *do* laugh and smile - what do they have in common?" Duo didn't wait for a response before answering his own question, "*You*, koi. I'm happiest when I'm with *you*."
"You're sure?" Heero just had to ask. Everything Duo said made sense but he'd spent so long thinking that Duo's life with Wufei had been perfect or damn close to it that he was having trouble believing that Duo was genuinely just as happy with him.
"Yes, Heero. Very sure. And very happy to be with *you*," Duo assured him firmly.
Heero leaned forward to capture Duo's lips in a grateful kiss. He was still a bit worried but Duo had eased the worst of his fears. Now, Heero just wished that the limousine would hurry up and arrive so that the initial meeting between Duo and Wufei would be over and done with and his other fears out of the way. 'God I hope Duo is truly ready for this, that it doesn't upset him too badly or drive him back into his isolation...'
***
As the limousine finally pulled into the driveway, Duo stirred in Heero's embrace and gave Heero's arm a gentle squeeze. "Ready koi?"
"If you are," Heero answered.
"As ready as I'm going to be," Duo answered honestly. He didn't think that any amount of time or preparation could make this *easy*. But he had his temper firmly under control for the moment and he suspected that the presence of Wufei's wife and daughter would actually help him to keep it that way. None of this could exactly be fun for Jun either. And the baby was truly blameless in the entire thing.
About to head downstairs to meet the others, Duo stopped for a moment as he realized something. He caught hold of Heero's arm. "Wait a minute, 'Ro. Umm, if Wufei wants to talk to me in private, I think I can handle that. I think maybe I *need* to face him on my own. But - stay close enough to hear if I call, okay?" He *hoped* that he wouldn't need Heero's physical presence for support, hoped that merely knowing Heero was nearby would be enough, but he was realistic enough to acknowledge that a panic attack was not exactly an impossibility and if Wufei tried to help it would only make things worse. So he needed Heero close enough to be there instantly if necessary.
Heero pulled him into a firm hug and assured him that of course he would stay nearby. Pressing a quick kiss of thanks to Heero's cheek, Duo thought, 'And having him that close may help Heero too. I know he's still worried, that little crease between his eyebrows tells me that. Not that anyone *else* would ever notice it, mind you...'
He hoped that most of the remaining concern was simply Heero worrying about *him* rather than Heero worrying about their relationship. Hoped that his earlier explanations had soothed Heero's concerns about his happiness. 'I need to try and show my happiness more clearly. Or at least *tell* Heero that I'm happy more often; make sure he knows that I am. That he understands that he *makes* me happy...' Because Heero *did* make him happy. Maybe it was a quiet, contented happiness rather than the almost giddy excitement that he had shown at times when he was with Wufei, but then he was a different person now. And that quiet content was far from dull or boring. It was interspersed with bursts of excitement and moments of sheer bliss.
And behind it all ran the deep, steady love between Heero and him. A love that Heero had proven over and over again in thousands of little ways as well as in big ones. Big ways like when he'd taken the bullet meant for Duo. And when he'd quit the Preventers rather than allow duty to tear him away for months on end. Little ways like uncomplainingly cleaning the hair out of the shower drain when Duo was in a rush and forgot. Like bringing him a sandwich and a drink when he got caught up in something at work and forgot to stop for lunch. Like putting up with his crankiness and holding the sick-pail for him when he had a bad bout of the stomach flu. And all the other little things that Heero did for him. Things that Duo genuinely appreciated and that he tried - though evidently not hard enough - to make sure Heero knew he did. 'I will never, ever doubt that Heero loves me and will do anything in his power to make me happy... But I need to work harder at making sure that he knows I feel the same way about him...''
As they reached the foot of the stairs, Duo threaded his fingers through Heero's and squeezed his hand firmly. Heero paused for a moment, giving him a questioning look. Duo smiled at him and silently mouthed, "Love you." The smile and equally silent, "Love you too" in return prompted him to take a sidestep and lean against Heero's shoulder for an instant, straightening again just as the door opened and the others entered. Duo tightened his fingers around Heero's and braced himself against the emotional storm that was sure to come.
***
Wufei hung back slightly and let Quatre introduce Jun and Meilan to Duo and Heero. He had deliberately stayed behind with Trowa to help carry in the luggage. Travelling with an infant meant that there was quite a bit of it to deal with, something Wufei was grateful for right now. He needed a few minutes to compose himself before having to speak with the others. Seeing Heero and Duo standing so close together; seeing the way that Duo drifted back towards Heero and automatically reached for his hand once the introductions were over with... It hurt. Not quite as much as he had feared, but it still hurt. And the curt nod and cool "Chang" from Heero that was echoed by Duo hurt just as much. 'Duo's friendship is not the only one that I may have permanently lost,' he realized painfully. Somehow, his ready acceptance by Quatre and Trowa had led him to hope that Heero would be willing to resume their friendship too. That if anything, Heero might even be a bit friendlier now that Wufei was no longer with Duo. 'I had not stopped to consider that unless Duo is willing to forgive me and allow me to be friends again, Heero will not. That by hurting Duo, I forfeited Heero's friendship despite the fact that in the end, Heero has benefited from my actions.'
Jun accepted Quatre's offer to show her to the kitchen as Mei had woken during their ride to the estate and was now becoming quite insistent that it was time to be fed. For a moment, Wufei was tempted to go with her and postpone his conversation with Duo. 'Putting it off will not make this any easier,' he decided reluctantly. "Duo, may I speak to you alone?" he asked carefully. This was going to be difficult no matter what, but Wufei really did not want an audience for it.
Duo's face tightened and he nodded abruptly. "In there," he said, gesturing to a room just a few feet down the hall from the entryway they were standing in.
Moving towards the room and entering ahead of Duo, Wufei was a bit disappointed that Duo left the door open behind him. He had hoped for more privacy but he did not dare press for any further concessions.
"Alright. I'm here; we're alone. I've agreed to listen to what you have to say. So say it and let's get this over with," Duo said harshly.
Wufei winced at the tone. It did not bode well for his hopes of forgiveness. His carefully-rehearsed speech deserted him under Duo's cold gaze. 'God Duo, you've changed so much...' If anything, he had expected furious accusations and anger. That he could have dealt with. This cold severity was completely unanticipated and he did not know how to deal with it. "I..." Wufei fumbled for words, finally blurting out, "Duo, I am very sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I - handled things badly. I should have been more gentle in breaking the news to you and..." His words stumbled to a halt as Duo shook his head.
"You still don't get it, do you Chang? You still don't see that there were other choices. That you should have come to me, explained the situation, and the two of us should have sat down together and discussed your options. That we should have made a decision *together*."
"Duo, there *were* no 'options', I had to..."
"There are *always* options. They are not necessarily *good* options but they always exist. Maybe the decision would have been the same in the end. Maybe it wouldn't. But it should not have been your decision alone. Not when it affected me just as much as you," Duo said flatly.
"But it *didn't* - my family's honour..."
Duo cut him off with a sharp chop of his hand. "The marriage contract specified a marriage and an heir. What about a marriage in name only, a child through artificial means, and a quickie divorce?"
Wufei froze, blood turning to ice in his veins. He had never even considered dodging the terms like that... For all the arguing he had done with the elders, he had never once brought up something like that. Something that would have technically fulfilled the terms of the contract but left him free in a short period of time. That just wasn't the way his mind worked... He wasn't entirely certain that the elders would have been satisfied that it fulfilled the contract - wasn't entirely certain that *he* would have been - but... 'But it was a possibility. And it's just the sort of thing that Duo *would* think of...' "I never..."
"You never thought of it," Duo said grimly. "Heero did. It's one of the things that he and Q and Tro tried to suggest to you. One of the alternatives that you stubbornly refused to listen to because there *was* no choice as far as you were concerned. I *might* have thought of it myself if I hadn't been so totally out of it. But considering that Q and Heero spent however-the-hell-long it was between your announcement and your wedding spoon-feeding me and taking care of me since I was practically catatonic, I guess it's not too surprising that I wasn't being too creative. And hell, it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway at that point. You'd already given your own damn word to the elders that you'd go through with a full-blown traditional marriage. Without bothering to discuss it with the person who was *supposed* to be your partner in life."
The bitterness in Duo's voice twisted Wufei's gut painfully. He felt literally sick at the thought that there might just *maybe* have been a way out. That he could possibly have passed up the chance to satisfy the elders, preserve his family's honour, and still keep his own happiness because he'd been so sure of his own decision. Because he hadn't delayed the elders while he talked things over with Duo. And what Duo had said about the shape that he'd been in - that careless mention of being practically catatonic, of being spoon-fed - that left him nauseous as well... "I..."
Duo shook his head and waved his hand dismissively. "I don't know if it would have even mattered if you *had* listened to the guys. It might have already been too late."
Through stiff lips, Wufei forced out, "What do you mean? Why would it have been too late?"
Duo's eyes met his directly for the first time during their confrontation and Wufei realized that as well as sparkling with anger, unshed tears lingered there as well. "Because when you chose duty over love, over *us*, you destroyed my trust in our love. My trust in *you*." He lifted his chin proudly and said, "I'm not in love with you anymore W-Wufei. I still care about you and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you. But when you destroyed my trust... When I stopped trusting you..." He spread his hands and shook his head. "Somewhere along the line, I stopped being in love with you too."
***
Duo hadn't intended to mention Heero's alternative solution. He hadn't ever thought of it himself. At the time he had been too deeply in shock from the betrayal to do much at all other than start building barriers against ever being so deeply hurt again. And afterwards - well, afterwards he had deliberately not thought about much of anything to do with Wufei and his choice. Heero hadn't mentioned it either until quite recently. It was only when the two of them were talking about the whole thing after he had finally broken down and wept in Heero's arms, letting go of the bottled-up grief, that Heero *had* mentioned it. Had mentioned it only because Duo had asked him what options the three of them had come up with; because Duo had wondered what choices they had tried to present to Wufei only to run into his stubborn refusal to listen. He had always wondered a bit, ever since Quatre's mention of the things that Heero had come up with in his attempts to find a way for Duo to keep Wufei. He strongly suspected that there were other things, things that were perhaps a bit less than ethical, simply based on the way Quatre had spoken at the time, but he hadn't pressed Heero any further. It was all ancient history now anyway and best forgotten.
Which was why Duo hadn't intended to rub Wufei's nose in the fact that he'd fucked up even worse than he'd realized. But Wufei's "apology" had ticked him off. Had Wufei apologized for making such an important decision without allowing him a say in it, this would have probably stayed quite civil. But instead, all he was hearing was an apology for hurting him and for not breaking things to him more gently. 'As if breaking the news "more gently" would have made any difference! "It's over, I'm marrying someone else" would have hurt just as much no matter *how* it was worded!'
And so now he was standing here having said a whole bunch of things that he hadn't intended to say and deliberately hurting Wufei in retaliation for apologizing for all the wrong things. 'Dammit, I didn't intend to *do* that...' he thought miserably as Wufei's face paled and he flinched from Duo's flat statement.
"I - deserve that..." Wufei said in a tight voice. "I did not expect that you would still love me after what I did. But Duo, I want you to know that I do still love you. Always."
Duo flinched, the words throwing him back in time, reminding him of the last time that Wufei had said that to him. Of the last time that they had made love. The next morning, he and Heero had left on their week-long mission and when he returned, it had been to news of Wufei's engagement. The memories, the betrayal, the shock, and the pain came back in a rush. Duo started to shake and it became hard to catch his breath.
"Duo? What's wrong?" Wufei stepped towards him and reached out as if to touch him.
That was the last straw. The panic attack became inevitable. Duo managed to drag in enough breath to gasp out, "RO!" desperately. And in an instant, Heero was there, shoving Wufei away from him and sweeping him up to carry him to the privacy of their room.
***
Stunned and confused, Wufei followed Heero into the hallway. Trowa stopped him with an outstretched arm. "What happened? What did you say to him?" Trowa demanded.
"I just... I told him that I still love him. That I always will," Wufei stammered. He had wanted Duo to know that despite his actions, his feelings hadn't changed. That they never would; that Duo would always be his love. That he hadn't thrown their love away lightly, no matter how it must have seemed.
Trowa swore under his breath. "No wonder he had another damn panic attack after going so long without one."
"Panic attack?" Wufei whispered in shock. "What do you mean *another* panic attack?" he demanded, catching hold of Trowa's arm.
Trowa began to speak, then stopped and shook his head. "I've said too much already. That is not my story to tell. If you really want to know, ask Heero. Though I wouldn't advise doing so right now; he won't be in a very tolerant mood with you since you upset Duo."
Wufei nodded his acknowledgement numbly. 'So many mistakes... So much pain and heartache...' "Trowa, could you please show me to my room? I think - I need to be alone for a while." Trowa nodded sharply and headed towards the stairs. Wufei followed silently. He needed to do some serious thinking.
***
Heero carried Duo's shaking form up the stairs and to the privacy of their room as quickly as he could, cursing himself for not realizing what Wufei's words would do and rushing to Duo's side before things got this far. He bit his tongue, fighting down the words of love and comfort that he wanted to utter, afraid that he would only make things worse. He wasn't even certain that picking Duo up had been the right thing to do but he had known that he needed to put some distance between Duo and Wufei or things would only get worse. 'And Duo *is* clinging to me - so maybe the contact is okay...' God, he hoped so. If this set Duo back to the way he was when they first started dating, Heero swore he was going to deck Wufei for his thoughtless words. Even though the other man had no way of knowing the effect those words would have on Duo.
When he reached their room, Heero was prepared to shift Duo around so that he could free one hand to open it. But before he could do so, Duo reached out with one shaking hand and managed to turn the knob. 'He's starting to come out of it already? Maybe... maybe he'll be alright, maybe he isn't as badly affected as I thought...'
Entering the room, Heero shoved the door shut behind them with one foot before crossing to the bed. He tried to set Duo down but Duo's hold on him tightened in protest. "You want me to hold you?" he asked.
Duo's murmured, "Yes," was a bit breathless but audible. And Heero realized that the shaking was easing off already. Settling himself against the headboard with Duo cradled against him, Heero began to rub gentle circles on Duo's back, trying to help him relax his muscles and get his breathing under control. After a minute, Duo's tight hold loosened and he shifted to lean his head against Heero's shoulder instead of being curled up tightly. "Ro? Tell me?" he asked.
'*Now*? He wants me to tell him that I love him when he's just coming out of a panic attack?!' Heero thought in disbelief. 'That could trigger off *another* one, after all, words of love set off the *first* one!'
"Ro? Please?"
Despite his concern, Heero couldn't refuse that pleading voice. "Ai shiteru, Duo. Eien ni."
"In English? Please, Heero?" Duo raised one hand to stroke Heero's cheek and Heero realized in amazement that the trembling had almost completely stopped. "I think I'm okay, koi, but - just try it please?"
Heero swallowed, then said carefully, "I love you, Duo." He hesitated, then, hoping he understood correctly what Duo wanted, added, "Always."
Duo smiled a bit shakily and responded, "Love you too, 'Ro." His smile steadied and grew broader. "I'm okay, Heero. *We're* okay. Really and truly okay. You saying it didn't bother me at all. So it was just the fact that it was W-Wufei and it was so close to one of my memories that set me off."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Heero pressed a kiss to Duo's forehead. "I was afraid..."
"I know," Duo said, touching his fingertips to Heero's lips. "But 'Ro, the instant you picked me up, the panic started to fade. You're so damn deep under my skin, so far inside my defences, that even my subconscious knows I'm safe in your arms, love."
Heero's arms tightened around Duo and he bent to capture his lips in a tender kiss. The last of his worries about Duo's feelings for Wufei and about any possible negative effects from Wufei's visit slipped away with Duo's words.
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