Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Cost of Honour Trilogy #3 - Paid in Full ❯ Chapter 4
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Calic0cat 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.13.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.7K | Visits: 478 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 05.13.2003 | Pages: 3 | Words: 5.7K | Visits: 478 | Status: Completed
*****************************
Title: #3 - Paid in Full
Part: 4/5
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Apr. 24, 2003
Story Finished: May 5, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4 implied, 5xOC (het), 5x2 (past)
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 201. Heero, Duo, Trowa, & Quatre are all living at a Winner estate on L4 and working at WEI.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
"She is a beautiful little girl."
Jun turned swiftly, startled. She hadn't heard anyone even enter the dining room; hearing a voice that close to her was a real shock. The speaker reached out a hand to steady her as she almost overbalanced in her haste.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Duo apologized quietly.
Jun inclined her head in acknowledgement, then turned back to face Mei's travel seat and offer her bottle to her. "She is a very healthy baby," Jun said, "and yes, she is beautiful. But then, all children are beautiful in the eyes of their parents."
"I wouldn't know," Duo responded, "but they should be."
"I am sorry," Jun apologized, wincing at her faux pas. "Wufei," she winced again, realizing that she might be making things worse, "Wufei had told me that you were an orphan. I did not mean to..."
A hand touched her arm lightly for an instant before withdrawing. "It's okay. This is - awkward - for all of us. Quatre told me that you were in here feeding the baby before it was time for the rest of us to eat; I just wanted to speak to you for a few minutes without everyone else around."
Awkward was an understatement, Jun thought uncomfortably. Nothing about this trip had gone smoothly. Wufei was feeling even more miserable and guilty than before and judging by what he'd admitted to her, he had good reason to be. And she had no idea what to say to the young man standing beside her; a young man who had every reason to hate her. "What would you like to talk about?" she asked finally.
Out of the corner of her eye, Jun saw him pull his braid over his shoulder and begin fidgeting with it in what was clearly a nervous habit. He made as if to speak several times before finally saying, "I don't blame you for any of this. W... Wu..." He stopped in frustration, "Dammit - oh, sh- sugar, sorry, not supposed to swear around little kids and ladies, Sister Helen must've told me that a hundred times. I just have a little trouble saying W... - *his* name sometimes..."
Jun winced at the admission. It spoke volumes about the depth of hurt that Wufei had caused.
"Anyway, like I said, I don't blame you. He made his own choice. It isn't the one that I would have made in his place, but then I wasn't raised the way he was so I can't really judge him by that." Duo fell silent for a moment, then said, "I don't *hate* him. I'm not in love with him anymore, he destroyed that with what he did, but I do still care about him. I said a bunch of stuff to him earlier on that I hadn't intended to and I'm pretty sure I hurt him which I really didn't mean to do. I *am* sorry about that - I think there's been more than enough pain already."
Hesitantly, Jun asked, "Why not tell him this? Why tell me?" She turned slightly to more directly face Duo, shifting the bottle to her other hand in order to keep feeding Mei.
Duo met her eyes directly for a moment. "Because I don't think I can talk to him rationally yet." He dropped his gaze to watch his hands fidget with his braid again as he continued, "If I try, I'm afraid that I'll end up saying a bunch more stuff that I shouldn't. I'm still too bitter and angry and when my temper gets away from me I end up saying things I don't really mean to.
"I know Quatre said he wants to be friends with all of us again but I'm just not ready to even try that. I don't know whether I'll ever be. I'm sorry about that because we used to all be really close, even back before he and I ever became a couple. It's okay with me if the others want to be friends with him but I just - can't. I - don't make friends very easily anymore and he would have to start over from the beginning with trying to earn my friendship. I'm not ready for that and I don't really think he is either. Maybe someday but - not right now."
Jun closed her eyes for a moment in dismay. This was not at all what Wufei had hoped for. What he needed. There had been no forgiveness, no release from the guilt eating away at him. She opened her eyes and asked pleadingly, "Isn't there anything positive that you can offer him? Any relief from his guilt? He loves Mei but he feels so guilty..." Wufei would not be happy if he found out that she was pleading his case like this. Not at all. But she cared about him too much to let the chance to help him pass.
Duo sighed, his gaze travelling to the baby. His face softened slightly. "I don't know. He may find it painful to hear. But he didn't ruin my life. I *am* happy again.
"Heero and I love each other very much. He makes me happy. My happiness is one of his top priorities, maybe even his very top one. He's one of the very few people that I trust." Duo's eyes turned from Mei and met Jun's. "And I hope that someday W... *Wufei*," he forced the name out with an obvious effort, "is happy again too. I don't want him to spend the rest of his life feeling guilty and miserable. If you think hearing any of that will help, tell him. I'm sorry I can't do better than that..."
Jun nodded slightly. "Thank you," she said quietly as the others began to enter the room and seat themselves for the evening meal. It might not be what Wufei had hoped for - but it was a start.
***
Duo dropped the damp washcloth and towel in the hamper before heading back to bed. Post-coital cleanup was a nuisance but neither of them much liked waking up sticky in the morning either. So whoever took top got the job since he was usually a little less shaky afterwards. That translated to a pretty fair division of the task really. Oh, it wasn't like they had a set schedule or formally took turns or anything. Usually it was simply a matter of whoever made the first move choosing which role he preferred. And other times - like tonight - it was more a matter of who needed what. Tonight, he had needed to show Heero just how much he cherished him and Heero had needed that cosseting just as much. Had needed the lingering caresses and soft murmurs of love and appreciation. The quiet litany of all the many reasons that Duo loved him that accompanied Duo's loving worship of his body. The affirmation of the trust and love and commitment that bound them together.
Crawling into bed beside Heero, Duo wasn't at all surprised to find Heero already reaching for him. Heero was just as much of a cuddler as he was, something that had surprised him at first but made sense when Heero's strong protective instincts were taken into consideration. 'And that very brief panic attack earlier gave him more of a scare than it did me. I knew from the moment he picked me up that it was going to be short, that just being in his arms was going to be enough to stop it. But I'm sure he was imagining all sorts of dire consequences, 'specially since I hadn't had a panic attack since - god, since before that first night I slept in his arms. And despite how incredibly patient and loving he's always been with my issues regarding trust and intimacy, the thought of me relapsing had to be damn depressing.'
Spooning back against Heero and pillowing his head on Heero's arm with a contented sigh, Duo closed his eyes. Not for long, though.
"Duo?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"Are you okay with being around them tomorrow or do you want to go out for the day?"
Duo thought about that for a few minutes. Part of him was tempted to wholeheartedly agree that going away for the day was one hell of a good idea. But - he was going to have to get past his feelings if Trowa and Quatre were going to be friends with Wufei and his wife. The colonies were close enough together that weekend visits were quite practical so he was likely to be seeing Wufei's family fairly often. And he didn't want to end up hiding in his and Heero's wing the whole time they visited. That would only upset everyone else. And it *had* been almost three years. He *should* be past the bitterness and anger by now. *Would* be past at least the worst of it if he hadn't bottled it up and tried to pretend it wasn't there for so long.
"I'll be okay, I think, Heero. If my temper gets out of hand, I'll just come back up here for a while till I cool off. If the guys are going to be friends with them I'm going to have to get used to seeing him." Duo was silent for a few minutes, then he added quietly, "What about you, 'Ro? You guys used to be pretty good friends too. I know you used to really enjoy sparring with him. Verbally and physically. I don't think you said anything to him today other than his name when he arrived. Just because I'm not prepared to let him try being friends again, that doesn't mean that you can't..."
Heero's arm tightened around Duo and he growled protectively, "He hurt you. Being around him still hurts you. If you're not ready to forgive him then I'm sure as hell not about to."
'Oh shit.' Duo stroked the tense arm wrapped around him soothingly. "Ro, if he ever manages to apologize properly, I might manage to forgive him. *Might*. I don't expect him to apologize for leaving me, for making the choice he did; that's a pretty unrealistic expectation. He made his choice and he has a daughter because of it; there's no way I would ever even *want* to hear him say that he regretted what he did now and I don't think that Wufei ever would. That wouldn't be fair to the baby. But he *does* owe me an apology and I pretty much flat out told him today what he needed to apologize *for*; we'll have to wait and see whether he figures it out or not. If he does, then I'll accept the apology at least. I think the forgiving part will eventually follow that. I need to deal with the rest of this ugly bitterness and anger before that can happen but him apologizing for the right things should at least get things started, I hope.
"Right now, being around him hurts more because of the broken trust than anything else, I think. And that's something that I'm not sure he can ever fix. What he did shattered every bit of trust that I had in him and the fact that I'd misjudged him so much, had so much unfounded faith in him, left its mark. I can hardly bring myself to trust anyone *new* enough to make even casual friends; I'm not sure he of all people can ever win back enough of my trust for me to consider him a friend, let alone a close one, again. I'm sorry about that because I remember how much fun the five of us all had together as a group, how close we all were, back before he and I were ever a couple and I wish we could at least get that back.
"If you're not ready or willing to be friends with him again, then I'm damn well not going to pressure you to. But don't just refuse his friendship because I am, love. You don't have to do it just to show your solidarity with me; being friends with him is not a breach of trust with me. Just do what feels right for *you*."
Heero gave a noncommittal grunt. After a moment, he said, "I almost forgot. Trowa warned me that Wufei might ask me about the - panic attack. If he does, how much do you want me to tell him? Do you want me to tell him anything at all?"
Tough question. Duo really wasn't sure what he wanted. Part of him was embarrassed that he *had* the panic attacks in the first place and would rather just pretend they never happened. And part of him wanted Wufei to know just how badly he'd screwed up; how badly he'd hurt him and how far-reaching the effects were. But at the same time, he wasn't entirely sure that the panic attacks were even directly Wufei's fault. He might have caused them himself with the way he'd worked so hard to isolate himself, with all those barriers he'd built, during that first year after Wufei left. And the desire to blame Wufei, the wish to make sure Wufei knew and felt guilty, was something he really didn't like feeling. He knew it was part of that anger and bitterness that he needed to let go of. It was petty and cruel and the very fact that part of him would really like to see Wufei hurt made him disgusted with himself. But the tangled up mess of his emotions meant that he really wasn't sure how to answer Heero.
Duo sighed wearily. "Ro, I'll just leave it up to you. I trust your judgement. And right now, I don't trust my own - can't trust it - where he's concerned. Part of me says that he made a mistake, a big one, but that he's already paid the price. That he doesn't deserve any more hurt. That there's been way too much pain already and causing more won't make anybody feel any better about what happened. That I still care about him and I really don't want to add to his own suffering."
His voice turned hard and dark as he continued, "And another part of me says fuck that, make that bastard hurt the way he hurt me. Give him every nasty, painful little detail of just how bad he fucked up my life. Tell him that I can't trust people anymore, can't make friends, because I can't trust my own damn judgement. Because if I made such a big mistake in trusting him, in believing that our love was as important to him as it was to me, that he loved me and would stand by me through anything life might throw our way, then how can I be sure that the next friend I make won't turn around and betray me too..."
There was a harsh, aborted sound of protest and Heero's arm tightened around him even more. Duo slid his hand caressingly down Heero's arm and threaded his fingers through Heero's for a few moments, loosening the too-tight grip so that he could flip over to face Heero. "Then," he said softly, raising his hand to stroke Heero's cheek lovingly, "then, I remember that despite all the hurt and pain and mistrust, there *are* a few people I can trust. One in particular. One who's proven his love and trustworthiness over and over again." Duo smiled and kissed Heero tenderly before continuing in a whisper, "And I know that I can't give in to that impulse to hurt Wufei because there's no room for that kind of petty cruelty in my life. That I have to let go of all that bitterness and anger before it starts to creep over into other things and maybe even affect *our* relationship. And that's something that I won't let happen because I love you too damn much and what we have is too important for me to risk it because I can't let go of something that's ancient history at this point.
"So - you tell him as much or as little as you think he needs to know, okay koi?"
Heero nodded silently and pulled Duo even closer. Duo went willingly, lips meeting Heero's in a lingering kiss. Oh yes, what he and Heero had was far too important to risk for the sake of old bitterness and anger. Far, far too important...
***
"Good morning Heero! Duo!" Quatre exclaimed brightly, smiling towards the hallway door.
Wufei had wondered whether Heero and Duo would even come down for breakfast this morning. Yesterday's evening meal had been uncomfortably silent for the most part, with Quatre struggling for neutral topics of conversation and Jun gamely answering his questions about the new colony and the changes in the clan yet trying to avoid touching too closely on topics such as the elders and arranged marriages. Playing the part of the courteous clan head and guest just as graciously as Quatre played his role as head of the Winner family and their host.
All while Duo avoided even looking at Wufei. And while Heero glared and hovered protectively near Duo if Wufei so much as glanced in his direction. 'And Trowa hovered in the background, ready to intervene if either of us got out of line...' If it wasn't so damn sad that the five of them had come to this, it would be funny. But remembering the warm camaraderie that had flowed between them all in the past, the current situation wasn't funny at all. It was another painful reminder of just how high a price had been paid for his family's honour. 'Too high,' Wufei acknowledged painfully. Giving up Duo as his lover and partner in life had been bad enough. Losing both Duo's and Heero's friendship as well, straining the bonds between the five of them - bonds that were forged in the heat of battle, that had held up under incredible stress in the past, that had survived fighting on opposite sides of a rebellion - straining those unbelievably durable bonds to their breaking point, only made things worse. He was beginning to seriously question the wisdom of trying to resume his friendship with any of the others. To fear that in doing so, he would tear apart the four who had remained close and continue to compound the damage caused by his actions.
But even considering giving up *all* of their friendships for good *hurt*. Hurt a great deal more than he would have ever believed possible. 'Will I never be done paying the price?' Wufei thought painfully.
Dragging his thoughts back to the events around him, Wufei realized that both Duo and Heero looked more relaxed today. That neither of them was moving with the coiled tension that they had the previous day. His breath caught as Duo turned to accept a glass of juice that Heero offered to him and for an instant, a soft, affectionate smile graced Duo's face. The first trace of a smile that Wufei had seen on Duo's face since he arrived yesterday. And despite the tiny bit of hurt that it was clearly just for Heero, despite the flicker of pain that those loving smiles would never be *his* again, Wufei was glad to see it. Because that small, gentle smile told him quite clearly exactly how happy Heero made Duo. Confirmed that Duo was in love with Heero and happy again.
And that - helped. It wasn't the forgiveness that he wanted but - as Jun had gently pointed out to him - it was a start. As was the very fact that Duo had made the effort to speak to Jun the previous night. That he had told her that he hoped Wufei would eventually be happy again too. 'If he can be generous enough to hope for that, then at least what I did has not changed him beyond recognition. It did not make him hardhearted or cruel.'
But it *had* changed Duo. That much was clear. His subdued behaviour was not drawing unusual notice from Quatre or Trowa or even the household staff, leading Wufei to believe that it was not solely due to his presence. That it was in fact what they all expected him to behave like. And when he put that together with Jun's remark that Duo had said he did not make friends very easily... It disturbed him. Watching as Trowa and Duo spoke, Heero listening in with a look of quiet contentment, Wufei decided that he would have to speak to Heero. Hopefully, the better mood he seemed to be in would extend to him and Heero would at least give him civil answers to his questions.
Wufei firmly quashed the faint hope that Heero would be willing to be more than merely civil, that he would be willing to be friends again. He was reasonably certain that unless Duo was at least willing to forgive him, Heero would not be open to friendship. Heero's disapproval of his actions had been extremely clear at the time and now, after whatever had happened between his departure and the present, Wufei doubted that his attitude would have changed. He still found that a bit surprising. Heero was the one person that he would have expected to genuinely understand that he *had* to put duty first; that his own personal wishes must of necessity be subject to the dictates of duty. He found it hard to believe that Heero himself would have acted any differently given a conflict between duty and his personal life.
***
"Yuy? May I speak with you please?"
Heero stifled the urge to growl a belligerent "no" in response to Wufei's question. Duo's insistence that he should follow his own feelings in terms of deciding how to deal with Wufei hadn't helped. Particularly considering that his gut instinct was to simply haul off and hit him. To knock him on his damn "honourable" ass. Which was at least slightly better than the urge he'd had in the past to beat him to a bloody pulp. No matter how many times he reminded himself that he really *did* understand what drove Wufei to act the way he had, the simple fact remained that Wufei had hurt Duo very badly and that single thing was enough to make him furious with the other man. Regardless of the fact that Wufei's actions had eventually led to his relationship with Duo and his own happiness.
With an effort, Heero managed to keep a reasonably civil tone as he replied, "I suppose." It wasn't like this was really a surprise; he'd known that Wufei was probably going to seek him out and want to talk to him. Was probably going to ask questions about Duo. That was why he'd consulted with Duo last night about how he should *answer* those questions, after all. And this *was* the first time this morning that he and Duo had been apart. Although Duo would be returning shortly, Heero knew that there was no great rush; that once Duo spotted Wufei talking with him, he would stay clear and wait for a signal before interrupting.
Agreeing to speak with Wufei didn't mean that he had to make it *easy* for him, though, Heero decided. So he simply stood and waited, not giving Wufei any sort of encouragement or assistance in getting started. After several moments of uncomfortable silence, Wufei finally said, "Trowa said that was a panic attack that Duo had yesterday. He implied that it was not the first and said that if I wanted to know anything further, I should ask you."
"Trowa warned me that you might ask," Heero said coolly. He wanted to be sure that Wufei understood that he wouldn't talk about this or anything else behind Duo's back, so he continued, "Duo told me to use my own judgement in answering your questions. So go ahead and ask but I will not guarantee that I will answer everything."
Wufei's eyes widened slightly then he nodded. "Was that a panic attack and has Duo had them before?"
"Yes, and the one yesterday was a very mild one. And yes, he has had them before though not since he and I became a couple." Heero avoided saying lovers since the end of the panic attacks predated that by over a month. As far as he was concerned, they were a couple starting from the night that Duo had first slept in his arms. That had been the true turning point in their relationship, the event that showed just how much Duo trusted him. And while the trust hadn't been absolute yet then, it had been enough for their relationship to truly begin.
Wufei hesitated, then asked, "Does something specific trigger them off?"
Heero looked him straight in the eyes and said bluntly, "Intimacy. Whether hugging or kissing or words of love. Once we figured out the main triggers, we worked around them until Duo was able to get past that point. Till he was able to trust enough to handle those things without triggering an attack. Till he was able to leave the past behind enough not to get swamped by memories and trigger an attack." On this, Heero was not going to pull any punches. Wufei had to understand how he'd set Duo off yesterday so that he didn't do it again. Perhaps it was a bit cruel to make this quite so clear to Wufei, particularly when Duo *had* gotten over this where Heero was concerned, but Heero did *not* want any further instances. They were damn scary things for everyone involved and if Wufei set Duo off when he wasn't close by... Heero suppressed a shiver at the thought. He added hastily, "If he *does* happen to have one, do *NOT* touch him or try to comfort him; you'll only make things worse. I can help because he trusts me." He didn't bother adding the obvious. That Duo did *not* trust Wufei.
Watching Wufei pale and sway slightly, Heero suddenly understood why Duo had been so torn over this. Part of him was gloating that Wufei was finally understanding just how badly he'd hurt Duo. The rest of him wished he hadn't said anything because he'd just caused even more pain to someone who was once a very good friend. Just as much of a friend as Quatre and Trowa still were. Someone that he'd trusted to watch his back in dangerous situations. And it *was* a case of causing *more* pain - he had seen Wufei watching Duo and himself together; had seen the expressions flickering across his face. The grief, the guilt, the longing. The mixture of happiness and sorrow when Duo smiled at Heero or took his hand. Feelings that he understood all too well, having experienced them himself while he was still just Duo's best friend, hiding his love and longing behind an impassive mask while Duo smiled for and cuddled with Wufei.
'Duo's right. Wufei has already paid enough; has already suffered enough. He does not need to know just how difficult this has been for Duo; I'm sure that he has been going through his own version of hell over the past couple of years. And much of what happened to Duo is really too private to share unnecessarily.'
With an obvious effort, Wufei said, "Duo mentioned something about being practically catatonic after I broke the news to him. He said that you and Quatre spoon-fed him..."
Heero took pity on the difficulty Wufei was having in finding a way to ask the question. "Catatonic is perhaps a bit extreme. He was - very withdrawn. Disinterested in everything. Yes, I will admit that we had to care for him for a while but he did come out of it on his own." Eventually. Sort of. If deciding to isolate himself from the world and trying to get himself killed in the line of duty qualified. 'Oh shit... If Wufei didn't know that...' "You never watched the vid-disk that I gave you, did you," he stated flatly.
Clearly confused by the abrupt change of subject, Wufei shook his head. "No. I could not afford to weaken my resolve. I kept a copy for a while but in the end I deleted it without watching it." His eyes jerked up to meet Heero's as he obviously put the seemingly unrelated statement together with what Heero had said before that. "You mean..."
Sighing, Heero nodded slightly. "Had you not already destroyed it, I would have suggested doing so. It could do no one any good at this point." He glanced towards the hallway, guessing that the shadow he had seen a moment ago was Duo returning. "Was there anything else you wanted to know?" He hoped not. There was little else that he would be willing to tell even if Wufei *did* have further questions. Telling Wufei about the unnecessary risk-taking and Duo's attempts to isolate himself throughout that first year was completely unnecessary and would only cause Duo discomfort at the reminder. Further mention of Duo's difficulty in trusting others and the resultant difficulty in making new friends was equally pointless. "There is not much else that I am willing to say..." Heero warned.
Wufei shook his head, then just as Heero began to move away, said, "Wait - Yuy - why did the two of you leave Preventers? I thought that you of all people would never leave..."
"He quit because Une tried to order him on a six-month deep cover mission away from me," Duo said quietly, walking in from the hall. Heero extended one arm slightly and Duo responded to the invitation immediately, stepping close to Heero's side and sliding his arm around Heero's waist. Heero wrapped his own arm around Duo and squeezed gently. This response was actually stronger than he'd expected; he'd simply held out his hand for Duo to take it. 'His respiration is slightly elevated... The conversation is drifting too close to sensitive territory and beginning to upset him...'
"What?!" Wufei exclaimed disbelievingly.
"There was no real reason for me to be the one to take the mission," Heero said with a slight shrug. "I refused, she insisted, I quit. I know where my priorities are."
"But - it was your duty..."
"Had the mission genuinely required *me*, we could have restructured it so that Duo and I would go undercover together." Heero rubbed Duo's tense back reassuringly as he spoke. "If she'd refused to allow that - well, if it had been absolutely essential, Duo and I would have sat down together and discussed it. Came up with options that we could both live with. Decided what to do together." Heero met Wufei's eyes directly and said pointedly, "Like partners *should*." He sincerely hoped that Wufei got the point. Duo needed that particular apology just as much as Wufei needed Duo's forgiveness. And as much as Duo needed to forgive Wufei as part of the whole healing process. Unless Wufei figured out what he truly needed to apologize for, Duo would probably never forgive him. The hurt ran too deep.
Heero added, "But the mission wasn't that important and the Preventers have plenty of other qualified agents. Our relationship was and is more important to both of us. So we quit and moved on. Quatre offered us jobs here and a place to live. We discussed it and came to a mutual decision to accept Quatre's offer. So now, Duo works with WEI's charity division and helps out in security on an as-needed basis while I've joined Trowa in running WEI's security division and handling Quatre's private security as well. And in a few years when the head of the charity division retires, Duo will take over that position. We both put in our fair share of hours but we have time left for our relationship too. Quatre makes sure of that for *all* of WEI's employees. No one is ever expected to put in so many hours that their personal life suffers. Not even Quatre himself, the three of us make sure of that."
"Heero, are you ready to go for that swim now?" Duo asked after the room fell silent. The tightness of Duo's arm around his waist told Heero that what he really wanted was just to get out of there.
"Sure," Heero answered immediately. "Wufei and I are done talking." His tone conveyed clearly that he had no intention of answering any further questions. He just hoped that some of what he had said got through to Wufei. That the other man finally figured out that he needed to apologize to Duo for making that very important decision to end their relationship and obey the elders without talking it over with him first. Between the very large hint that Duo had dropped yesterday and the ones that he had just dropped, Wufei should manage to figure it out. It wouldn't mean anything if he ended up flat-out *telling* Wufei what to apologize for. The issue of the actual decision had stopped being important a long time ago when Duo stopped trusting Wufei and stopped being in love with him. What remained was the hurt and bitterness and anger over the way that Wufei had handled the entire thing.
#################################################
Title: #3 - Paid in Full
Part: 4/5
Series: The Cost of Honour Trilogy
Author: Calic0cat <calic0cat@fastmail.fm>
Story Started: Apr. 24, 2003
Story Finished: May 5, 2003
Genre: Yaoi, Angst, Sap, Romance
Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4 implied, 5xOC (het), 5x2 (past)
Rated: R
Warnings: AU, OOC, Swearing, Angst, Lime/Implied Lemon
Archives: At Lev's Lair http://www.gwaddiction.com/levlair/ and at http://calic0cat.freeservers.com (my site) and at Mediaminer.org under Calic0cat. Anyone with archive permission for my other fics can help themselves.
Disclaimer: Duo and Heero and the rest of the GW gang aren't mine. This story is. Nuff said.
Notes: Post-series & post-EW. AC 201. Heero, Duo, Trowa, & Quatre are all living at a Winner estate on L4 and working at WEI.
'Thinking'
"Speaking"
************ Time passing or scene change
Author's Notes: Feedback is appreciated.
#################################################
"She is a beautiful little girl."
Jun turned swiftly, startled. She hadn't heard anyone even enter the dining room; hearing a voice that close to her was a real shock. The speaker reached out a hand to steady her as she almost overbalanced in her haste.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Duo apologized quietly.
Jun inclined her head in acknowledgement, then turned back to face Mei's travel seat and offer her bottle to her. "She is a very healthy baby," Jun said, "and yes, she is beautiful. But then, all children are beautiful in the eyes of their parents."
"I wouldn't know," Duo responded, "but they should be."
"I am sorry," Jun apologized, wincing at her faux pas. "Wufei," she winced again, realizing that she might be making things worse, "Wufei had told me that you were an orphan. I did not mean to..."
A hand touched her arm lightly for an instant before withdrawing. "It's okay. This is - awkward - for all of us. Quatre told me that you were in here feeding the baby before it was time for the rest of us to eat; I just wanted to speak to you for a few minutes without everyone else around."
Awkward was an understatement, Jun thought uncomfortably. Nothing about this trip had gone smoothly. Wufei was feeling even more miserable and guilty than before and judging by what he'd admitted to her, he had good reason to be. And she had no idea what to say to the young man standing beside her; a young man who had every reason to hate her. "What would you like to talk about?" she asked finally.
Out of the corner of her eye, Jun saw him pull his braid over his shoulder and begin fidgeting with it in what was clearly a nervous habit. He made as if to speak several times before finally saying, "I don't blame you for any of this. W... Wu..." He stopped in frustration, "Dammit - oh, sh- sugar, sorry, not supposed to swear around little kids and ladies, Sister Helen must've told me that a hundred times. I just have a little trouble saying W... - *his* name sometimes..."
Jun winced at the admission. It spoke volumes about the depth of hurt that Wufei had caused.
"Anyway, like I said, I don't blame you. He made his own choice. It isn't the one that I would have made in his place, but then I wasn't raised the way he was so I can't really judge him by that." Duo fell silent for a moment, then said, "I don't *hate* him. I'm not in love with him anymore, he destroyed that with what he did, but I do still care about him. I said a bunch of stuff to him earlier on that I hadn't intended to and I'm pretty sure I hurt him which I really didn't mean to do. I *am* sorry about that - I think there's been more than enough pain already."
Hesitantly, Jun asked, "Why not tell him this? Why tell me?" She turned slightly to more directly face Duo, shifting the bottle to her other hand in order to keep feeding Mei.
Duo met her eyes directly for a moment. "Because I don't think I can talk to him rationally yet." He dropped his gaze to watch his hands fidget with his braid again as he continued, "If I try, I'm afraid that I'll end up saying a bunch more stuff that I shouldn't. I'm still too bitter and angry and when my temper gets away from me I end up saying things I don't really mean to.
"I know Quatre said he wants to be friends with all of us again but I'm just not ready to even try that. I don't know whether I'll ever be. I'm sorry about that because we used to all be really close, even back before he and I ever became a couple. It's okay with me if the others want to be friends with him but I just - can't. I - don't make friends very easily anymore and he would have to start over from the beginning with trying to earn my friendship. I'm not ready for that and I don't really think he is either. Maybe someday but - not right now."
Jun closed her eyes for a moment in dismay. This was not at all what Wufei had hoped for. What he needed. There had been no forgiveness, no release from the guilt eating away at him. She opened her eyes and asked pleadingly, "Isn't there anything positive that you can offer him? Any relief from his guilt? He loves Mei but he feels so guilty..." Wufei would not be happy if he found out that she was pleading his case like this. Not at all. But she cared about him too much to let the chance to help him pass.
Duo sighed, his gaze travelling to the baby. His face softened slightly. "I don't know. He may find it painful to hear. But he didn't ruin my life. I *am* happy again.
"Heero and I love each other very much. He makes me happy. My happiness is one of his top priorities, maybe even his very top one. He's one of the very few people that I trust." Duo's eyes turned from Mei and met Jun's. "And I hope that someday W... *Wufei*," he forced the name out with an obvious effort, "is happy again too. I don't want him to spend the rest of his life feeling guilty and miserable. If you think hearing any of that will help, tell him. I'm sorry I can't do better than that..."
Jun nodded slightly. "Thank you," she said quietly as the others began to enter the room and seat themselves for the evening meal. It might not be what Wufei had hoped for - but it was a start.
***
Duo dropped the damp washcloth and towel in the hamper before heading back to bed. Post-coital cleanup was a nuisance but neither of them much liked waking up sticky in the morning either. So whoever took top got the job since he was usually a little less shaky afterwards. That translated to a pretty fair division of the task really. Oh, it wasn't like they had a set schedule or formally took turns or anything. Usually it was simply a matter of whoever made the first move choosing which role he preferred. And other times - like tonight - it was more a matter of who needed what. Tonight, he had needed to show Heero just how much he cherished him and Heero had needed that cosseting just as much. Had needed the lingering caresses and soft murmurs of love and appreciation. The quiet litany of all the many reasons that Duo loved him that accompanied Duo's loving worship of his body. The affirmation of the trust and love and commitment that bound them together.
Crawling into bed beside Heero, Duo wasn't at all surprised to find Heero already reaching for him. Heero was just as much of a cuddler as he was, something that had surprised him at first but made sense when Heero's strong protective instincts were taken into consideration. 'And that very brief panic attack earlier gave him more of a scare than it did me. I knew from the moment he picked me up that it was going to be short, that just being in his arms was going to be enough to stop it. But I'm sure he was imagining all sorts of dire consequences, 'specially since I hadn't had a panic attack since - god, since before that first night I slept in his arms. And despite how incredibly patient and loving he's always been with my issues regarding trust and intimacy, the thought of me relapsing had to be damn depressing.'
Spooning back against Heero and pillowing his head on Heero's arm with a contented sigh, Duo closed his eyes. Not for long, though.
"Duo?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"Are you okay with being around them tomorrow or do you want to go out for the day?"
Duo thought about that for a few minutes. Part of him was tempted to wholeheartedly agree that going away for the day was one hell of a good idea. But - he was going to have to get past his feelings if Trowa and Quatre were going to be friends with Wufei and his wife. The colonies were close enough together that weekend visits were quite practical so he was likely to be seeing Wufei's family fairly often. And he didn't want to end up hiding in his and Heero's wing the whole time they visited. That would only upset everyone else. And it *had* been almost three years. He *should* be past the bitterness and anger by now. *Would* be past at least the worst of it if he hadn't bottled it up and tried to pretend it wasn't there for so long.
"I'll be okay, I think, Heero. If my temper gets out of hand, I'll just come back up here for a while till I cool off. If the guys are going to be friends with them I'm going to have to get used to seeing him." Duo was silent for a few minutes, then he added quietly, "What about you, 'Ro? You guys used to be pretty good friends too. I know you used to really enjoy sparring with him. Verbally and physically. I don't think you said anything to him today other than his name when he arrived. Just because I'm not prepared to let him try being friends again, that doesn't mean that you can't..."
Heero's arm tightened around Duo and he growled protectively, "He hurt you. Being around him still hurts you. If you're not ready to forgive him then I'm sure as hell not about to."
'Oh shit.' Duo stroked the tense arm wrapped around him soothingly. "Ro, if he ever manages to apologize properly, I might manage to forgive him. *Might*. I don't expect him to apologize for leaving me, for making the choice he did; that's a pretty unrealistic expectation. He made his choice and he has a daughter because of it; there's no way I would ever even *want* to hear him say that he regretted what he did now and I don't think that Wufei ever would. That wouldn't be fair to the baby. But he *does* owe me an apology and I pretty much flat out told him today what he needed to apologize *for*; we'll have to wait and see whether he figures it out or not. If he does, then I'll accept the apology at least. I think the forgiving part will eventually follow that. I need to deal with the rest of this ugly bitterness and anger before that can happen but him apologizing for the right things should at least get things started, I hope.
"Right now, being around him hurts more because of the broken trust than anything else, I think. And that's something that I'm not sure he can ever fix. What he did shattered every bit of trust that I had in him and the fact that I'd misjudged him so much, had so much unfounded faith in him, left its mark. I can hardly bring myself to trust anyone *new* enough to make even casual friends; I'm not sure he of all people can ever win back enough of my trust for me to consider him a friend, let alone a close one, again. I'm sorry about that because I remember how much fun the five of us all had together as a group, how close we all were, back before he and I were ever a couple and I wish we could at least get that back.
"If you're not ready or willing to be friends with him again, then I'm damn well not going to pressure you to. But don't just refuse his friendship because I am, love. You don't have to do it just to show your solidarity with me; being friends with him is not a breach of trust with me. Just do what feels right for *you*."
Heero gave a noncommittal grunt. After a moment, he said, "I almost forgot. Trowa warned me that Wufei might ask me about the - panic attack. If he does, how much do you want me to tell him? Do you want me to tell him anything at all?"
Tough question. Duo really wasn't sure what he wanted. Part of him was embarrassed that he *had* the panic attacks in the first place and would rather just pretend they never happened. And part of him wanted Wufei to know just how badly he'd screwed up; how badly he'd hurt him and how far-reaching the effects were. But at the same time, he wasn't entirely sure that the panic attacks were even directly Wufei's fault. He might have caused them himself with the way he'd worked so hard to isolate himself, with all those barriers he'd built, during that first year after Wufei left. And the desire to blame Wufei, the wish to make sure Wufei knew and felt guilty, was something he really didn't like feeling. He knew it was part of that anger and bitterness that he needed to let go of. It was petty and cruel and the very fact that part of him would really like to see Wufei hurt made him disgusted with himself. But the tangled up mess of his emotions meant that he really wasn't sure how to answer Heero.
Duo sighed wearily. "Ro, I'll just leave it up to you. I trust your judgement. And right now, I don't trust my own - can't trust it - where he's concerned. Part of me says that he made a mistake, a big one, but that he's already paid the price. That he doesn't deserve any more hurt. That there's been way too much pain already and causing more won't make anybody feel any better about what happened. That I still care about him and I really don't want to add to his own suffering."
His voice turned hard and dark as he continued, "And another part of me says fuck that, make that bastard hurt the way he hurt me. Give him every nasty, painful little detail of just how bad he fucked up my life. Tell him that I can't trust people anymore, can't make friends, because I can't trust my own damn judgement. Because if I made such a big mistake in trusting him, in believing that our love was as important to him as it was to me, that he loved me and would stand by me through anything life might throw our way, then how can I be sure that the next friend I make won't turn around and betray me too..."
There was a harsh, aborted sound of protest and Heero's arm tightened around him even more. Duo slid his hand caressingly down Heero's arm and threaded his fingers through Heero's for a few moments, loosening the too-tight grip so that he could flip over to face Heero. "Then," he said softly, raising his hand to stroke Heero's cheek lovingly, "then, I remember that despite all the hurt and pain and mistrust, there *are* a few people I can trust. One in particular. One who's proven his love and trustworthiness over and over again." Duo smiled and kissed Heero tenderly before continuing in a whisper, "And I know that I can't give in to that impulse to hurt Wufei because there's no room for that kind of petty cruelty in my life. That I have to let go of all that bitterness and anger before it starts to creep over into other things and maybe even affect *our* relationship. And that's something that I won't let happen because I love you too damn much and what we have is too important for me to risk it because I can't let go of something that's ancient history at this point.
"So - you tell him as much or as little as you think he needs to know, okay koi?"
Heero nodded silently and pulled Duo even closer. Duo went willingly, lips meeting Heero's in a lingering kiss. Oh yes, what he and Heero had was far too important to risk for the sake of old bitterness and anger. Far, far too important...
***
"Good morning Heero! Duo!" Quatre exclaimed brightly, smiling towards the hallway door.
Wufei had wondered whether Heero and Duo would even come down for breakfast this morning. Yesterday's evening meal had been uncomfortably silent for the most part, with Quatre struggling for neutral topics of conversation and Jun gamely answering his questions about the new colony and the changes in the clan yet trying to avoid touching too closely on topics such as the elders and arranged marriages. Playing the part of the courteous clan head and guest just as graciously as Quatre played his role as head of the Winner family and their host.
All while Duo avoided even looking at Wufei. And while Heero glared and hovered protectively near Duo if Wufei so much as glanced in his direction. 'And Trowa hovered in the background, ready to intervene if either of us got out of line...' If it wasn't so damn sad that the five of them had come to this, it would be funny. But remembering the warm camaraderie that had flowed between them all in the past, the current situation wasn't funny at all. It was another painful reminder of just how high a price had been paid for his family's honour. 'Too high,' Wufei acknowledged painfully. Giving up Duo as his lover and partner in life had been bad enough. Losing both Duo's and Heero's friendship as well, straining the bonds between the five of them - bonds that were forged in the heat of battle, that had held up under incredible stress in the past, that had survived fighting on opposite sides of a rebellion - straining those unbelievably durable bonds to their breaking point, only made things worse. He was beginning to seriously question the wisdom of trying to resume his friendship with any of the others. To fear that in doing so, he would tear apart the four who had remained close and continue to compound the damage caused by his actions.
But even considering giving up *all* of their friendships for good *hurt*. Hurt a great deal more than he would have ever believed possible. 'Will I never be done paying the price?' Wufei thought painfully.
Dragging his thoughts back to the events around him, Wufei realized that both Duo and Heero looked more relaxed today. That neither of them was moving with the coiled tension that they had the previous day. His breath caught as Duo turned to accept a glass of juice that Heero offered to him and for an instant, a soft, affectionate smile graced Duo's face. The first trace of a smile that Wufei had seen on Duo's face since he arrived yesterday. And despite the tiny bit of hurt that it was clearly just for Heero, despite the flicker of pain that those loving smiles would never be *his* again, Wufei was glad to see it. Because that small, gentle smile told him quite clearly exactly how happy Heero made Duo. Confirmed that Duo was in love with Heero and happy again.
And that - helped. It wasn't the forgiveness that he wanted but - as Jun had gently pointed out to him - it was a start. As was the very fact that Duo had made the effort to speak to Jun the previous night. That he had told her that he hoped Wufei would eventually be happy again too. 'If he can be generous enough to hope for that, then at least what I did has not changed him beyond recognition. It did not make him hardhearted or cruel.'
But it *had* changed Duo. That much was clear. His subdued behaviour was not drawing unusual notice from Quatre or Trowa or even the household staff, leading Wufei to believe that it was not solely due to his presence. That it was in fact what they all expected him to behave like. And when he put that together with Jun's remark that Duo had said he did not make friends very easily... It disturbed him. Watching as Trowa and Duo spoke, Heero listening in with a look of quiet contentment, Wufei decided that he would have to speak to Heero. Hopefully, the better mood he seemed to be in would extend to him and Heero would at least give him civil answers to his questions.
Wufei firmly quashed the faint hope that Heero would be willing to be more than merely civil, that he would be willing to be friends again. He was reasonably certain that unless Duo was at least willing to forgive him, Heero would not be open to friendship. Heero's disapproval of his actions had been extremely clear at the time and now, after whatever had happened between his departure and the present, Wufei doubted that his attitude would have changed. He still found that a bit surprising. Heero was the one person that he would have expected to genuinely understand that he *had* to put duty first; that his own personal wishes must of necessity be subject to the dictates of duty. He found it hard to believe that Heero himself would have acted any differently given a conflict between duty and his personal life.
***
"Yuy? May I speak with you please?"
Heero stifled the urge to growl a belligerent "no" in response to Wufei's question. Duo's insistence that he should follow his own feelings in terms of deciding how to deal with Wufei hadn't helped. Particularly considering that his gut instinct was to simply haul off and hit him. To knock him on his damn "honourable" ass. Which was at least slightly better than the urge he'd had in the past to beat him to a bloody pulp. No matter how many times he reminded himself that he really *did* understand what drove Wufei to act the way he had, the simple fact remained that Wufei had hurt Duo very badly and that single thing was enough to make him furious with the other man. Regardless of the fact that Wufei's actions had eventually led to his relationship with Duo and his own happiness.
With an effort, Heero managed to keep a reasonably civil tone as he replied, "I suppose." It wasn't like this was really a surprise; he'd known that Wufei was probably going to seek him out and want to talk to him. Was probably going to ask questions about Duo. That was why he'd consulted with Duo last night about how he should *answer* those questions, after all. And this *was* the first time this morning that he and Duo had been apart. Although Duo would be returning shortly, Heero knew that there was no great rush; that once Duo spotted Wufei talking with him, he would stay clear and wait for a signal before interrupting.
Agreeing to speak with Wufei didn't mean that he had to make it *easy* for him, though, Heero decided. So he simply stood and waited, not giving Wufei any sort of encouragement or assistance in getting started. After several moments of uncomfortable silence, Wufei finally said, "Trowa said that was a panic attack that Duo had yesterday. He implied that it was not the first and said that if I wanted to know anything further, I should ask you."
"Trowa warned me that you might ask," Heero said coolly. He wanted to be sure that Wufei understood that he wouldn't talk about this or anything else behind Duo's back, so he continued, "Duo told me to use my own judgement in answering your questions. So go ahead and ask but I will not guarantee that I will answer everything."
Wufei's eyes widened slightly then he nodded. "Was that a panic attack and has Duo had them before?"
"Yes, and the one yesterday was a very mild one. And yes, he has had them before though not since he and I became a couple." Heero avoided saying lovers since the end of the panic attacks predated that by over a month. As far as he was concerned, they were a couple starting from the night that Duo had first slept in his arms. That had been the true turning point in their relationship, the event that showed just how much Duo trusted him. And while the trust hadn't been absolute yet then, it had been enough for their relationship to truly begin.
Wufei hesitated, then asked, "Does something specific trigger them off?"
Heero looked him straight in the eyes and said bluntly, "Intimacy. Whether hugging or kissing or words of love. Once we figured out the main triggers, we worked around them until Duo was able to get past that point. Till he was able to trust enough to handle those things without triggering an attack. Till he was able to leave the past behind enough not to get swamped by memories and trigger an attack." On this, Heero was not going to pull any punches. Wufei had to understand how he'd set Duo off yesterday so that he didn't do it again. Perhaps it was a bit cruel to make this quite so clear to Wufei, particularly when Duo *had* gotten over this where Heero was concerned, but Heero did *not* want any further instances. They were damn scary things for everyone involved and if Wufei set Duo off when he wasn't close by... Heero suppressed a shiver at the thought. He added hastily, "If he *does* happen to have one, do *NOT* touch him or try to comfort him; you'll only make things worse. I can help because he trusts me." He didn't bother adding the obvious. That Duo did *not* trust Wufei.
Watching Wufei pale and sway slightly, Heero suddenly understood why Duo had been so torn over this. Part of him was gloating that Wufei was finally understanding just how badly he'd hurt Duo. The rest of him wished he hadn't said anything because he'd just caused even more pain to someone who was once a very good friend. Just as much of a friend as Quatre and Trowa still were. Someone that he'd trusted to watch his back in dangerous situations. And it *was* a case of causing *more* pain - he had seen Wufei watching Duo and himself together; had seen the expressions flickering across his face. The grief, the guilt, the longing. The mixture of happiness and sorrow when Duo smiled at Heero or took his hand. Feelings that he understood all too well, having experienced them himself while he was still just Duo's best friend, hiding his love and longing behind an impassive mask while Duo smiled for and cuddled with Wufei.
'Duo's right. Wufei has already paid enough; has already suffered enough. He does not need to know just how difficult this has been for Duo; I'm sure that he has been going through his own version of hell over the past couple of years. And much of what happened to Duo is really too private to share unnecessarily.'
With an obvious effort, Wufei said, "Duo mentioned something about being practically catatonic after I broke the news to him. He said that you and Quatre spoon-fed him..."
Heero took pity on the difficulty Wufei was having in finding a way to ask the question. "Catatonic is perhaps a bit extreme. He was - very withdrawn. Disinterested in everything. Yes, I will admit that we had to care for him for a while but he did come out of it on his own." Eventually. Sort of. If deciding to isolate himself from the world and trying to get himself killed in the line of duty qualified. 'Oh shit... If Wufei didn't know that...' "You never watched the vid-disk that I gave you, did you," he stated flatly.
Clearly confused by the abrupt change of subject, Wufei shook his head. "No. I could not afford to weaken my resolve. I kept a copy for a while but in the end I deleted it without watching it." His eyes jerked up to meet Heero's as he obviously put the seemingly unrelated statement together with what Heero had said before that. "You mean..."
Sighing, Heero nodded slightly. "Had you not already destroyed it, I would have suggested doing so. It could do no one any good at this point." He glanced towards the hallway, guessing that the shadow he had seen a moment ago was Duo returning. "Was there anything else you wanted to know?" He hoped not. There was little else that he would be willing to tell even if Wufei *did* have further questions. Telling Wufei about the unnecessary risk-taking and Duo's attempts to isolate himself throughout that first year was completely unnecessary and would only cause Duo discomfort at the reminder. Further mention of Duo's difficulty in trusting others and the resultant difficulty in making new friends was equally pointless. "There is not much else that I am willing to say..." Heero warned.
Wufei shook his head, then just as Heero began to move away, said, "Wait - Yuy - why did the two of you leave Preventers? I thought that you of all people would never leave..."
"He quit because Une tried to order him on a six-month deep cover mission away from me," Duo said quietly, walking in from the hall. Heero extended one arm slightly and Duo responded to the invitation immediately, stepping close to Heero's side and sliding his arm around Heero's waist. Heero wrapped his own arm around Duo and squeezed gently. This response was actually stronger than he'd expected; he'd simply held out his hand for Duo to take it. 'His respiration is slightly elevated... The conversation is drifting too close to sensitive territory and beginning to upset him...'
"What?!" Wufei exclaimed disbelievingly.
"There was no real reason for me to be the one to take the mission," Heero said with a slight shrug. "I refused, she insisted, I quit. I know where my priorities are."
"But - it was your duty..."
"Had the mission genuinely required *me*, we could have restructured it so that Duo and I would go undercover together." Heero rubbed Duo's tense back reassuringly as he spoke. "If she'd refused to allow that - well, if it had been absolutely essential, Duo and I would have sat down together and discussed it. Came up with options that we could both live with. Decided what to do together." Heero met Wufei's eyes directly and said pointedly, "Like partners *should*." He sincerely hoped that Wufei got the point. Duo needed that particular apology just as much as Wufei needed Duo's forgiveness. And as much as Duo needed to forgive Wufei as part of the whole healing process. Unless Wufei figured out what he truly needed to apologize for, Duo would probably never forgive him. The hurt ran too deep.
Heero added, "But the mission wasn't that important and the Preventers have plenty of other qualified agents. Our relationship was and is more important to both of us. So we quit and moved on. Quatre offered us jobs here and a place to live. We discussed it and came to a mutual decision to accept Quatre's offer. So now, Duo works with WEI's charity division and helps out in security on an as-needed basis while I've joined Trowa in running WEI's security division and handling Quatre's private security as well. And in a few years when the head of the charity division retires, Duo will take over that position. We both put in our fair share of hours but we have time left for our relationship too. Quatre makes sure of that for *all* of WEI's employees. No one is ever expected to put in so many hours that their personal life suffers. Not even Quatre himself, the three of us make sure of that."
"Heero, are you ready to go for that swim now?" Duo asked after the room fell silent. The tightness of Duo's arm around his waist told Heero that what he really wanted was just to get out of there.
"Sure," Heero answered immediately. "Wufei and I are done talking." His tone conveyed clearly that he had no intention of answering any further questions. He just hoped that some of what he had said got through to Wufei. That the other man finally figured out that he needed to apologize to Duo for making that very important decision to end their relationship and obey the elders without talking it over with him first. Between the very large hint that Duo had dropped yesterday and the ones that he had just dropped, Wufei should manage to figure it out. It wouldn't mean anything if he ended up flat-out *telling* Wufei what to apologize for. The issue of the actual decision had stopped being important a long time ago when Duo stopped trusting Wufei and stopped being in love with him. What remained was the hurt and bitterness and anger over the way that Wufei had handled the entire thing.
#################################################