Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ The Door: Persistence ( Chapter 13 )

Title: The Door: Persistence

Author: Lethanon

Type: Multi-Part

Warnings: Angst, 1x2x5, Preventers, Psychological....just lots of angst.

Persistence

"You left early…"

Oh to be capable of not looking up, of ignoring that voice and all it stood for. What would I give to know carelessness in all its glory; to finally know total release? If I am honest with myself, I probably wouldn't give all that much at all. I do not know how to give. I take, take anything I can get my hands on, and like everybody else eventually does, I have come to that place when one realises you can only take so much and have it mean something. And then you step over the line and it all means nothing.

Where is that line? When did I cross it? Why didn't I see it? Why can't I see it now. So many questions, you would think I would know by now. There aren't any answers. No truths to be told, for truth is dead, and I its murderer.

I look up. It's what you wanted isn't it? So why are you looking at me like that, onyx eyes not accusing but still filled with something akin to damnation. If you want me to work with you, you probably shouldn't look at me like that. I am beginning to understand why so many people fear you. Interesting that, that they fear you and yet you fear me while they consider me harmless. You wear the uniform, but my badge of insanity appears imprinted on my bones where only you see. Sad, almost, if I gave a damn.

"Felt like a walk."

Is that my voice? It didn't sound like that talking to Quatre. I was trying to hide when I spoke to him, but with you…Wufei, with you I don't need to hide anything because you're not watching, not listening, not really paying attention at all. I could walk away right now and I doubt you would even notice…

Walk. Away. Right now…how…appealing.

"It's a nice morning for it."

Sure, now it is. But at five am this seat is an ice brick and you feel like a dragon watching your breath huff and puff all about your head. But you wouldn't know that. Have you ever sat on this seat before, this place I know better than the bed we share? Have you ever seen me here? Did you notice?

"I suppose it is." I am, after all, the one who took this hike. Honestly, get to the point so we can go to work. Or rather, so you can go to work and I can remember to forget this conversation. And all the others pining in my head for my attention…

"Heero's worried sick about you."

Now I can't help it; I have to look at you. The weird thing is, Wufei, you look so sincere when you say that, as if you honestly believe it's the truth. You just don't see, don't hear…don't taste the defeat. I've tried, but all I taste is ashes. If Heero is so worried, where is he? By the phone at home, waiting for me to call? No, he drove you here and instead of coming over here and talking about our problem, which we don't really have, he's run off to his office. To work. To what matters. It's a familiar scenario. I remember, Wufei, but do you? Do you know he kept that damned computer?

He always keeps his things at hand…Things…Is that what I am?

I shrug. What am I honestly meant to say to you Wufei? What do you expect to get out of this conversation? You. Aren't. Listening.

"You want to go out for dinner?"

You do know all I want to do is laugh in your face, right? As if dinner is going to solve anything. But…watch this.

It doesn't take any strength, no great talent, to reach into the darker depths of my twisted little self and find the re-moulded pieces. I picked up my mask, put it on and let Duo would-be Maxwell do he talking. He does his job well. He should get an award.

"Sure. Let Heero pick."

You nod, say thanks and think everything is fine once more as you go on your merry way. Gullible. You all think I'm mad, so why do you fall for the madness every time? If I knew that maybe I would know why I can't say no to you. Why I can't refuse.

I get up. I go to work, but with every step I sense a nagging presence. A lethargy I cannot shake; a desire I cannot defy. It's not a weight on your shoulders, rather a weight on your whole being, pulling, smuggling, dragging you under. I was all too willing to go.

Mechanics is a boring job. You look at the same thing every day, perform the same repairs. It gives you too much time to think, to wallow, to plan. Even when you don't know you're planning. Even when you don't know you want to.

The first clue I had that the mask was finally, completely in control, was when I left for lunch five minutes early. I packed up everything I owned into neat little boxes and locked them away as if it were the end of the day. The moment my feet hit the pavement I knew I wasn't going back. Some small part of me had already forgotten the way, and if I was honest with myself the forgetting happened a long time ago, while I wasn't even paying attention.

It is strange, this leave-taking. Am I really leaving something, everything, anything? I wish I could say, but it seems to me there is nothing but a gaping, empty hole where such knowing should lie and perhaps, that is, inevitably, my answer. But then, I cannot help but wonder if there was ever something in me to begin with. Not even Heero could salvage a mission that never was. Heero…

I almost wish I could say I had a change of heart, that I turned around and ran full-tilt for the garage and hid for the rest of the day under some rusted bonnet, waiting for the all-too familiar patter of feet coming to pick me up. Almost. But I didn't. I. Didn't.

It has been a very long time since I thought about I. Me. Myself. Shinigami…Duo. Gone seriously Solo. It was almost laughable. It seems there are a lot of almosts in my life. Maybe I should sell them to Quatre. He's the only person I know with enough money to buy them all.

I passed the hot dog man and didn't buy anything. He looked at me strangely but I thought nothing more of it. I didn't even think anything of it when the bum came out of his alley to stare after me when I didn't toss him a coin. And when the cars continued streaming past I jus decided my head was in the right place for a change. Funny what tricks the mind can play.

I would have hailed a cab, but had no idea how to make the mask stop walking. Truth be told, I had no idea where my feet were taking me. I was just going with the flow. It was not like I had somewhere else to be. So I was rather amused when I walked through the shuttle bay doors on the other side of the city. Amused, and yet…wary. Something in me was beginning to pass snide comments in my subconscious and my senses were sharpening in response.

I didn't bother with a disguise; not yet. Instead, I headed for a bathroom. Bathrooms are the greatest. Honestly! Let me explain why. You go in, you have a wall of mirrors opposite a wall of doors with slim cracks. Standing behind said door, you have the potential for perfect visibility while still remaining hidden. People don't generally kick in random toilet doors, no matter what the old movies show you. Can you imagine bursting through the door while some poor john was taking a load off? No way! So, I headed straight for a cubicle, sat down and focussed my senses on the cracks, the shadows playing across the roof, and the sounds of a bathroom, which are magnified, god bless, by all that glorious porcelain.

I stripped off my coveralls; they were a dead giveaway. I had shorts underneath and my sweatshirt wasn't too bad. I also had my black cap in my back pocket. It's a very simple thing to swing hair like mine into a bob and tuck t under a hat like a girl. Unfortunately, it actually makes me look like one so I don't make a habit of this little trick. I then looked under the door and found the guy in the cubicle beside me was wearing the rattiest pair of joggers I've ever seen. So, I traded. He took my work boots, complete with steel caps, and I got his wanna-be Nikes. Go figure.

All in all, I looked like a teenage girl headed for summer vacation. A sorry fact to have to admit, but true nonetheless. The door opened and I was all eyes on the shadow. It moved in a familiar way, but not so familiar that it was instantly recognisable. I took a gamble and left my cubicle, realising my mistake the moment I saw the guy.

I blushed red. Batted my eyes. Plastered on a grin.

"Ladies were full."

And I left the bathroom feeling extremely embarrassed, the poor john in the toilet choking on I don't want to know what. I headed straight for the L2 terminal. I have no clue why; that's the last place I would usually want to go. Still, if you want to hide, go to the place you know best and there aren't many who know that dump like me.

It wasn't until I passed just under the line of sight of a camera that I saw the guy come out of the toilets and start talking to himself. Alarm bells rampaged in my head and was moving, eyes watching everything as I hauled arse toward the terminal, hands flying as I stole already checked tickets and waved myself through. It was only when I was standing in the closing shuttle doors that I dared look back. What I saw burnt me whole.

The vending machine guy was right there, talking to the bum from the alley, cleaned up and now the guy I had met in the bathroom. I had known he was familiar, but I had not expected…Had not expected there to be so little rust in the safe little box I had been placed in.

I have never been this cold; this completely devoid of anything. At least at other times I felt numb, or lost, or empty…this was just a shell the insides were burnt away from. Left to rot. Watch me decay…Wufei…

I suddenly felt like going to dinner, just in case someone would be kind enough to bomb the place while we were there. But Heero and Wufei appeared to have grown an immunity to my ill luck and somehow I knew going would only make this…vagueness…worse. I needed clarity, and you didn't' get much clearer than your lovers thought you were so crazy they had you tagged every second of the day. Mad ex-gundam pilot followed like a wild dog. How tight was the leash designed to be I wonder?

And then the last straw. In that last slither of vision before the doors shut I saw Heero burst through the terminal doors, searching frantically, completely in mission mode.

I warned you Heero…I'm Shinigami. Everyone I get close to dies. Even me. But no one ever stopped to wonder, not even me, what happens when Shinigami dies. I'll kill you yet. It's my destiny, and right now I think you deserve it.

I turned away from the closed doors and found a seat down the back, hunkered down and hoped to hell no one would bother with a ticket on the way to L2. No such luck. We weren't five minutes after launch when they started badgering me for it. But of course, I must have been telling the truth when I say I lost it, otherwise how would I have got through all that Preventer's security? Right. Go the silver tongue.

The whole way to L2 something nagged, continued to pester and worm its way into consciousness. It took me a long time to realise I had been here before; on my way to L2, running from he same strange demons. I had been here before, and now…the sticks and stones meant nothing still, but the words were most certainly killing me. I had to get off the shuttle. Go home. Go back to where it began. Before the memories came. Before the voices grew louder. Before death's hand got any closer.

I had to find the key and open the door.

The idea was rampant within me. All consuming.

Persistent.