Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ About Windows ( Chapter 16 )

Title: About Windows

Author: Lethanon

Type: One-Shot

Warnings: 2+R. Angst, 1x2x5, Preventers, Psychological....just lots of angst.

Notes: Part 3 in the Creed Arc! This one is for Perlen Taucher, who has steadfastly followed this fic for longer than I care to imagine. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's beautiful. It's sunlight pouring through the open window, pooling on the plush carpet, sinking into the very floorboards of the palace and warming it with some internal flame that permeates all life within. It's beautiful and for the first time in my life it almost touches me. Almost. Story of my life.

Where am I? Well, that would be Relena's palace in Sanq kingdom. I'm here because everyone I know, my two lovers included, think I am insane and the only thing between me and them sticking me in a loony bin is a statute the once-was Queen-of-the-world wrote right after the war ended. For some reason she bothered to ensure it was obeyed when it came to me; she opened a window for me I did not know existed. For some sick, twisted reason I cannot fathom she thinks I'm worth something. That I'm not hopeless. That I can pull my own weight. That I don't lie.

You know what? She's right. She just doesn't understand that no one else is ever going to believe her, least of all Heero and Wufei who, let's face it, are the only ones likely to ever get me out of this mess. Unless, of course, I don't mind never leaving Sanq again and having all the world think I lost my marbles years ago. I don't really have a problem with the marbles bit actually, it's the never getting to leave bit that chafes.

While I think about is at least a hundred times a day, I can't actually wrap my mind around the idea of being forced to remain in one place, unchanging, for the rest of my life. It makes me sick just thinking about it. So when I'm feeling sick, I just look out my window, look at the beautiful cage Relena has managed to win me, and I feel grateful. Because my skin is clean. My eyes are clear. My ears are open. And above all…I'm almost…happy.

But that door is still locked. It will always be locked.

Relena is knocking on the door. I know it's her because she walks so softly down the corridors I barely even notice her anymore, and she has this way of rapping her knuckles on the wood so that each one sounds separately. It's very…stately. It only took me a day to realise I liked it. I snort some sort of affirmative and she comes in. If I didn't make a noise she wouldn't enter, and I love her for that alone. This is my pace, this room, and she is the first person I've ever known who respects that.

"Morning!" She groans and flops down on my bed, hair spilling out of its neat braids and into her eyes. She needs to cut her fringe…I might do it for her. Later. Right now she looks completely stuffed and I know she's been out all night at some delegation. I never really appreciated how hard the woman worked until I had to live with her. I also never fully comprehended how bored I was as a mechanic.

"Morning."

"AH! When did you become so polite! I tell you it grates!"

"And you would prefer?"

Stop glaring at me like that! We've had this conversation before. I cannot afford to be anything less than the perfect model citizen, for however long it takes. Even around you. Hell, especially around you!

"I would prefer to speak, just once in a while to Duo Maxwell."

Ah, but that is impossible. He's in the mirror, and if I look in the mirror you can't see me, and when you look in the mirror I'm not there, so you see we're royally screwed in that regard. Does that sound crazy? Good.

I don't know what to tell you, Relena. How do you tell someone that the person they want to talk to is as good as dead when they're standing before you? That would sound…crazy. I won't be crazy. Not with you. Never again. So I'm just going to stand here until this awkward little moment passes, okay? Okay.

"Heero rang again this morning. They're very worried about you."

Do we have to talk about this every day? I don't want to see them; not yet. Maybe, tomorrow, or the next day…or the one after that. I promised, I know I did, but can you understand that that promise is the only thing keeping me from bolting myself down in here and begging you to never let them close? I can't face them. Not yet. Not like this when I know what they did and it's still fresh in my mind.

"Not today then."

No, not today. Look, I'll smile in thanks and it's just for you, and you know it. I don't smile like this for anyone else and you know why? It's real. Or as real as it gets with me.

"Doctor Heines has cleared you. I have your certificate of sanity in my office."

Like either of us had any doubts. Maybe the Preventers paid their people enough to lie when they were afraid, but politicians weren't really afraid of anything, and their doctors were not afraid of playing hard ball, for which I am very grateful. But the game is not over. It's only just beginning.

"If it's not that it will be something else."

"No doubt. Duo…I was thinking. My royal guards…they often switch between the palace and Preventers. They don't have to take the Preventers Field Test; their work with me is considered equal to it. You could…sit my test."

Sit Relena's test. The words echo in my mind, like little rain drops beating down my locked door, and it's rusting, being eaten away by the idea. I keep telling myself I'm not hopeless, that I can do such things, but can I really? This would be one way to find out. One way to know once and for all. And if I fail I have lost nothing except a dream I should never have had. But if I win, I will be one step closer to my semi-vengeance; one step closer to proving them all wrong. I will be strong again.

"When can I sit it?"

Your smile is bright enough to light the whole damn sky in the pitch of night. I should help you find someone who will appreciate it. Would you like that? To not be so alone all the time? To have someone besides me and your stoic guards to talk to; someone who didn't have another agenda but liked talking to you just because you are…you.

I would like that too.

"As soon as you want!"

The sky is starting to cloud over. The sun isn't pouring in the windows any more. Is it an omen? I don't know, and I don't really care. I asked for a miracle and I got it. I do not expect another and I know I damn well won't get one. So I'll wait.

"Three days. Give me three days, and then I'll do it."

"Alright." You're still smiling as if all your dreams have come true. But that's the point, right? You know I'll be happy, if I pass this test, and you believe I will, and seeing me happy makes you happy. We are so similar, and yet so completely different. Why did I never see it before? Was I jealous? Or maybe I was just hiding. Hard to say.

"We should have a ball."

A what? See me gaping, this is my 'I cannot believe you just suggested that, to me of all people' face. It's a kind of shock that makes you look like a fish. I hear it's rather common.

"Excuse me?"

And there you go, smiling again. Honestly, you don't have to smile about everything you know! But…I like that you always smile at me. I like that I can put that smile there. I can never seem to make Heero or Wufei smile anymore. I thought I was doing something wrong, that I wasn't fun or funny anymore, but…maybe that was wrong too. It's so hard to know these days. Too hard.

"Oh, I don't mean a ball necessarily, but some kind of party. You know, music, dancing, decorations, food, drink…a party! You do know what a party is, don't you Duo Maxwell?"

Of course I know what a damned party is! See me rolling my eyes; that's exasperation. But honestly…a party?

"I haven't been to a party in…a long time." Actually, since I got together with Heero and Wufei during the war I could count the parties I had been to on one hand and two of those were Preventers Christmas parties we left after only an hour…Were they ashamed of me? Was I unwanted there? Why did we always leave? I have vague recollections of whispered words I could not quite grasp, of subtle touches I chose to ignore, of shifting gazes that were always turning away from me. I have lots of memories like that. They hurt. They never used to.

"Then a party we must have! We'll have it in four night's time; after you pass your test. You can be my bodyguard!"

Hey, Relena, you aren't trying to make me into a Heero are you? Because that just is not going to work! I am not him, not anything like him and would never want to be him even if the only alternative was to be me. Okay, maybe then…maybe. Stiff prick that he is.

"I know you're not him, Duo. Right now I'm very happy you're not him. I'm very happy…just very happy."

There are tears in your eyes, but they're like mine, refusing to fall. Funny, how you expect them to hurt and you're always so surprised when they don't. Such an odd thing, to cry to be happy. Odd, like most of me. And you too, I suppose.

"Me too." And you know what? I can almost believe it. I am happy, in a muted sort of way. And I'm working on it, you'll see; one day I'll smile like you do and the sun will come back out instead of hiding itself from me. And my lovers won't be ashamed of me.

One day…I'll be very happy. For now, happy will have to do.

She slips out of the room then, no goodbyes between the two of us; we'll see each other in an hour or so. We both have our daily routines and we know them well already. She knows I'm moving to my computer right now and booting up the net, logging on and checking my mail. I'm actually using a free server; I don't care if Heero and Wufei hack into it, or if Preventers read it. I have nothing to hide. I'm not writing to anyone. I'm just reading what they write to me.

There's one from Q. I think he must be livid at me. I haven't even bothered to open any of the five emails he has sent. I don't need that sort of crap right now; he should understand. My heart is heavy. There is one from Trowa, which tells me they're getting desperate and want to hear something. I don't bother opening that one. I have no idea what it might say and don't really want to know. There are two more from Heero, five from Wufei. All of Wufei's say the same thing; three simple words. I was under the illusion they were hard to say, or type as the case may be.

We love you. We love you. We love you. Again and again…doesn't he ever get bored?

Sighing, I close the window. I'm just not interested. Besides, I have some training to do. Stupidly, I didn't even ask Relena what was in the test. I know I need work on pretty much everything, but an idea of focus areas would not have gone astray. Oh well, my problem, get to work Maxwell. Right.

*

It's with only a smidgen of trepidation that I enter the dining room. The first night I simply refused to go. The second night I slipped in late. You get the idea. Tonight, I'm fashionably late but the butterflies absent from my stomach might mean I will be able to keep something down. I am also, for the first time in years, armed to the teeth. I have a knife again; Heero has not let me touch one since halfway through the war. Guess he thought I migh use it on him, or myself, not that it really would have made much difference. The more you lose the more pissed you get, and a pissed Wufei would have won this war in no time. Just look at what he did when his colony went down. And just who do you think killed Treize Kushrenada? Exactly.

I know Relena has been worried I don't eat enough, but the fact is I'm never that hungry. Life kind of turns me off my food. But I'll need that extra energy to pass her test, so I'm going to eat as much as I can. Maybe. Hopefully.

It's a rather quiet affair tonight; just Relena and a few of the diplomats staying in Sanq. They're the ones the rest of the world doesn't really want o know about, and they're hiding out here, like me, until Relena can figure out something to do with them. Funny, the people you end up grouped with.

I sneak into a seat at the far left side, close enough to hear what Relena is saying but not close enough for her to drag into the conversation. Old habits die hard, I guess.

I'm not sure how much time passes, but when I look down I find there are strange patterns drawn in my potato mash, my food is chopped into more pieces than I care to count and it really doesn't look appetising. Gross is an understatement.

"You're from L2?"

Excuse me? Are you talking to me? I suppose that would explain why one of Relena's politician friends is talking to me. And she's looking at me as if to apologise, and at the same time there is that light of curiosity in her eyes. She wants to know what I'll say, what I might do. She expects me to speak, so that is, of course, what I do.

"Yes." Okay, so I don't really have that much to say. He didn't give me all that much to work with.

"You look familiar…" I could see him searching, flipping through memories in search of that little elusive tail that always wags at us. I see the moment you catch it, grasp it, and then the mixture of horror, awe, disbelief and almost…understanding, fills your eyes as you look over at me. For once not down on me. "You did well, son. Very well."

"Thank you, Sir." No one had ever said that to me. Not one of my own people, one of the rich looking at a rat, knowing it was rat and still saying…that I did well. It was not only unexpected, but in some small way unwanted. I did not want to be acknowledged by a man who may very well have been indirectly responsible for the death of many things I held dear. I just didn't want to hear it. So I said my thanks, and left it at that.

"Mr. Maxwell is currently preparing to take the ceremonies equivalency test. I am hoping he shall soon be my new bodyguard. You all know I've been looking for a replacement."

They all nodded their heads and when they looked at me now it was with a newfound sense of respect, as if being Relena's bodyguard were in some way a better occupation than anything else I might lately have been doing. It both rankled and calmed me, a odd combination, some part of me annoyed they did not bother to discover what I had been doing, then other part simply sensible and relaxed now the attention was once more on something else besides myself. I recognised the signs I was getting bored and knew it was time to leave. So I put down my utensils, bowed silently to Relena and left the table, no one the wiser for my leaving.

I returned to my room, where the windows were still wide open but the sun had long since set and only meagre starlight now filtered through. The floor was still warm though and I lay down upon it, staring as I started the long process of isolating each muscle and putting it to sleep only to wake it up randomly, forcing my body to obey my most demanding commands. I was satisfied to discover I had lost none of my ability; still held complete sway over my actions when I cared to.

The door opened when I was just re-awakening one hand and a knife was there before I thought about it, aimed and almost out of my hand before I thought for it to stop. But it stayed there, in my palm, poised and ready to poison. I just stared coldly at Relena as she entered, sidestepped at the sight of the knife and came to sit on the end of my bed, looking down at me lain out on the floor like a dead body and being anything but.

"Sorry about dinner. Senator Waldoff can be….very direct."

"I thought he showed a certain amount of tact, considering."

"I suppose. Still, I apologise. You didn't eat anything again."

"I guess I wasn't all that hungry." As I've said, old habits die hard. I had every intention of stuffing my face but didn't. That should tell you something. I try. At least you can see that; that I try. I turned up, I had the knife and fork in my hands. I tried. And I'll keep trying until I get it right. That's what I do and you know it because you do it too.

"Do you want to do anything?"

"Like what?" Please, don't ask me. Just tell me what you want to do and we'll do that. I'll probably enjoy it, but understand that I cannot ask you to do anything. You've done enough for me already. More than enough. You're my miracle.

"What if we go down to the beach, take the telescope with us?"

Now that is certainly an unexpected suggestion. I didn't even know you liked the stars, let alone that you looked at them often enough to have a telescope! I've never actually sat there are looked at them closely…it could be fun. And I might be able to see L2….wait, that's what this s all about isn't it? You want to show me that it's not as far away as I think. Ah, Relena…I know that. It's just…hard to remember sometimes. And I still can't touch it. Not from here. Still…I want to go.

"Okay." And I mean that. It really is okay, so that goofy smile of yours is justified.

She links my arm through her own and hauls me to my feet, pushing my other hand aside as she hauls me out the door and I realise I never let go of the damn knife; that I had it pointing at her the whole time and she never said a thing about it. Can't ay I have many friends willing to sit at knife point just to talk to me. Hell, most my friends would break my arm to get it off me. I guess most my friends are afraid of me.

So why aren't you, Relena? What do you see that no one else does?

*

One minute the world is huge; limitless. The next it narrows down into a tiny round spot and in the centre of it all is home, or what was once my home. I guess I never really thought of it as home though, still don't. More like, the origin; the place I came from and no matter how far I go, how fast I run and how well I hide, I guess it's a part of me I can't escape. It's a part of who and what I am. For that, no other reason, I love L2. I will not deny it.

So maybe this wasn't Relena's best idea…it certainly wasn't her worst. It wasn't doing what she expected; was not making me feel any better, but it was teaching me something no one had bothered to teach me before. It's not a small world, really, and you can only come from one place. My place? It's in the stars. No one ever told me before, but its there.

Among the stars.

*

The sunlight is pooling on the carpet again. I don't know when the sun rose, but it seems to be doing an awful lot of it lately. Not that I'm complaining. I can hear quiet footsteps on the floor and then the door opens to my affirmative grunt at those knuckles on hard wood. Relena slams the door on her way in, face red but not in anger. She's excited. Flushed in…excitement. She's beautiful like this.

"Up, oh lazy one! Your day has arrived!"

Oh how the time flies. It's that day already.

"Relena…are you sure this is a good idea?"

Don't look at me like that, I'm serious. Do you really think I should do this? Do you really want me to? Do I really want to? I have no idea and I need one. I can't go out there like this. I feel…thin. Still so thin, like…paper rubbed raw from the tree.

"You'll do fine, Duo, and we both know it."

Do we? Why didn't I tell me then?

I get out of bed, drag on some clothes and stand before her as she looks at me and tries not to laugh. Looking down at myself I can see why she might find it a bit amusing, me, back in that priest's habit once more. Still, I feel comfortable in this. I wonder, if I pass…would Relena mind having a bodyguard that dressed like this? It makes me want to laugh just thinking about it.

"Stop thinking nasty thoughts about what you can do to me once you're my bodyguard and strap on your knives."

My…what? Yet there they are, lying on her hands, still attached to my old black belt. Every one of my old knives. I have no idea where she got them or how or why and I just don't care. They're here now and they're mine! I snatch them up as if afraid someone will take them away before they can touch my skin, and I am afraid, I admit it. I'm terrified. I cannot have them taken from me again. I will not.

Instead, I put them on and it's like a homecoming, a returning of some dark, melancholy kind and it makes me realise how truly twisted my life has become. Even my miracle is a twisted thing. Who, honestly, would have expected Relena to ever be my saviour? Not I, that I am sure of, and I'm not sure of many things so it is saying something.

She's waiting for me at the door and I go to her, let her rest her hand on my arm and I guide her out of the palace, as if escorting her some place when in face she is escorting me. At this moment I would prefer to have no one else; there is no other I would rather have at my side. Because she doesn't want anything from me; she wants something for me. I can't remember the last time I knew that in another person; that they honestly wanted what was best for me. I'm sure my lovers mean well, but…sometimes the message gets mixed up in the delivery. Actually, lately it always does. That's why I'm here.

I like it here. I don't want to leave here. Not yet.

There's a man on the field. He's set up the strangest looking course I've ever seen, but as I separate it into small pieces I can see what each section is designed to test, and I know how to pass it. We don't say much. He simply explains what I have to do to pass and then grabs a stopwatch from a pocket on his thigh. Relena nods in my direction, a small smile playing on her lips and I know she knows what I know.

This course was designed by Heero Yuy and Chang Wufei. It's nearly impossible to pass with full marks. An ordinary person would be expected to get no more than ninety at his prime. I am no ordinary man. I'm their lover and I know them both backwards. More than that, I was once their team-mate and everything they know I know. And then, of course, there is the small fact I know that they always fight justly, and by the rules. I don't. I fight mean and dirty and as nasty as they come, and this course…

I'm taking candy off a baby. Walking in a park. Liaising with daffodils under a summer sky. I remember everything I have ever been taught and then some and this is perhaps the easiest course I've ever done. You can't die here. You don't have to kill. You just have to pretend, and that's what I do best.

I'm running, but not running away. I'm hiding, but not in the dark. I'm lying, but not with my tongue. I'm…not falling, or failing. I'm…surfacing. And the mask sinks.

*

"DUO! Congratulations!"

Why is it that when you throw your arms around me I feel safe, but when my lovers do it I feel constricted, controlled and claustrophobic? And when I throw my arms back around you it's not because I feel I have to, or because it seems like the thing to do, but because I want to. Because it feels right to do it. Why is it so different?

You start playing with my collar again and you can't stop grinning. You look like the Cheshire cat with its paw in a vat of cream. Honestly, it's no big deal. You don't have to be so excited. It's just a badge.

"You're the most handsome bodyguard I've ever had!"

Agh, Relena kisses. Maybe this was why Heero never took the job. Would not surprise me. I rub at my cheek self-consciously and it only makes her laugh. Nothing can dampen her mood this evening, not even my apparent non-chalice about passing the test. She's just enjoying her party and trying to drag me into the celebrations that are as much mine as hers. Luckily, I don't start duty until tomorrow morning. I just get to wear the uniform. Go figure.

Doctor Heines is here. He waves at me, winks, and turns back to the L2 Senator who spoke to me at dinner a few nights ago. I can't keep a small smile from tugging at my lips. That man truly thinks I'm sane. Not only that, he seemed to know, as Relena did, that I was more than fit for active duty protecting the world's most important politician. That means…more to me than I care to think about right now.

Relena leaves my side when a servant comes to get her about a phone call. I wave goodbye, for the moment, and shift over to the wall, trying to blend in with the odd colour scheme of reds and blues and whites on black, then the gold trimming. All the colours of Sanq are here and it's beautiful but so bright, like looking at a flock of flamingos in a paint program with a bucket tool.

I watch as these people move about the dance floor to a band that is not quite as classical as I had expected but still isn't loud enough to force me to dance, and I cannot help but wonder…when did I stop dancing? When did I put away my shoes and turn into the mannequin that stands at the door and holds the coats? I don't want to do that anymore. I want to dance. I want someone else to hold my coat. I want to…join the dance. Be a part of something.

The only thing holding me back is promises. Promises I made to Heero.

You see, that's the thing about windows. You have this door that is locked, where no key exists and you think you're doomed. And then someone comes along and opens one; a window; a doorway to another world. But it's still not a door. It's just temporary relief from the storm, letting n a breath of fresh air but you know that eventually you're going to have to go back into that room with its locked door, or you'll never own what's outside. I want to own it. I want to be a part of it.

But I have to keep those promises. Bittersweet is this moment, but they keep dancing, turning circles over the dance floor. And I'm still standing here, apart.

A servant I recognise as one of the maids comes sprinting into the ballroom. She's dressed as a waitress and I think I saw her, earlier, passing out drinks. She's flushed now, but not with drink. It's the hot flush of panic and exhaustion and I know she's run the length of the palace to get her. And she heads straight for me.

My heart's hammering.

She's so worried in her hurry she knocks a waiter on her way past and send his tray flying. I watch the glass shatter about their feet I silent horror, hearing the tinkling like the clamour of rain clouds finally breaking.

My mind is churning.

She grabs my arm the moment she's within reach and falls against me, already pulling me back toward the main doors. She whispers Miss. Relena in my ear.

My feet are running.

Through the perfect crystal palace we run and it's like a dream about to shatter, my body about to wake. Nothing lasts forever, but we expect it to.

I'm there, breaking through the door to Relena's office, and she's there, tears in her eyes, wet on her cheeks and she runs at me. I think for a moment she's scared, but the way her arms a still and strong as they wrap around me makes me realise; she's scared for me.

My soul is quaking.

"Duo, it's going to be alright."

What are you talking about? I don't understand!

But some part of me knows. Some part has always known. She's pushing me into the window embrasure, pushing me down, forcing me to sit, eyes never leaving mine, face still tear-strained. I'm sinking again, falling…I'm Breaking.

That's the thing about windows…they're such temporary things. And some day, someone is bound to close it. It's the thing….about windows.

"It's Heero…"

I told you. How many times did I say I would kill you.