Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ Apathetic: Here ( Chapter 21 )

Title: Apathetic 3/3
Author: Lethanon
Archive: www.geocities.com/lethanon
Warnings: Angst, 1x2x5, 2+R, 3x4
Notes: POV will alternate between parts of this fic. Part 6 of the Creed Arc. Flashbacks to 'the Creed: Almost'.

3: Here
Duo POV

It's all I can hear and you're all I can see as you throw the pager at Quatre and lunge for the phone by the bed. I'm past Quatre when I see you're fingers on the numbers, I can hear the phone connecting but I don't care. I don't need to hear it; don't need that confirmation. I know something's wrong, and deep down I think I know better than you what it is.

You look so surprised as I throw myself on you, my fist coming around before I know what I'm doing and slamming into your jaw. Your face…you look so shocked, so totally stunned it's almost comical, only there is nothing funny about this. All you had to do was ask; to put the pieces of this sordid puzzle together and it would have been fine. When did words become such useless things? When did it go wrong? It's too late…late for so many things.

"Duo?" You sound panicked but all I can hear is the phone ringing through to I have no idea who, and all I can see is your face. You're afraid. No…you're terrified. I warned you. How many times have I warned you.

I don't reply and I'm no more aware of the second swing of my fist than I was of the first, but its only halfway to your face when it's caught and I don't need to turn around to know it's you, Quatre, so I don't, because I've only one set of eyes and its looking at the only thing left to care about. To take care of. I almost laugh at the irony.

"DUO!" Don't yell, Heero, I can hear you just fine. There is nothing wrong with my hearing. Nothing wrong…Soon there will be nothing wrong at all. I just have to take care of…No, I can't. I don't want to…What am I thinking? Am I thinking at all?

Let go of my wrist Quatre or you'll break it; I can feel the bones straining, feel them creaking together beneath the skin and it hurts, but I can't really feel the pain. It just is, and all that is is Heero. Tell me what to do Heero!

"DUO?" Such panic…such fear. Only one word escapes my lips; one name.

"Wufei…"

And the phone is finally answered. The ringing ceases and I can hear a voice at once familiar and hated on the other end.

"Heero! Thank God! It's Wufei…I need you to get down here right away!"

Heero's not looking at the phone. He's looking at me, and he knows that I know, but he doesn't know how. That terror is still there, stronger now. He doesn't respond to Sally, just puts the phone down and finally reaches out. There's sweat on his brow. It's the only sign that he's in physical pain. I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does.

"Duo…"

"Why did he go? What for? You had no business there! Why didn't you tell me!"

"Duo, calm down, it's alright…" But we both know you don't believe that. You're fears are feeding off my own. "We were just worried about you."

"Why there? All you had to do was ask, but you never did! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Duo, it's alright!" You're leaning up, trying to rise, but the wound won't let you and neither will I. I want to know why; I want answers for questions I didn't know I could ask and its time. Right now. Right here.

"ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK!" I roared. I have never screamed so loud in all my life, and look what comes out of my mouth!

You're so shocked, and even Quatre has released my wrist but it's alright because I'm so tired all I can do is collapse against you and I can feel the tears gathering behind my eyes but I won't let them fall. I cry on the inside, but never without. I don't let the world win. I kill myself first. Am I dead Heero? Is that what this is?

His hands come up and close about my wrists and the grip is firm but gentle, soothing, restraining but loving and it damn near breaks my heart because I know Heero. I know it should be two hands…two different hands.

Finally I meet your gaze, but only because I know it's what you want and we both know what you see there; knowledge. The stuff you hunger for; the stuff that makes missions in your head and gives you some sort of purpose. Without them you're lost, like the rest of us. Like you are now. But I know, and I'm still lost, and when I tell you we're never coming back. We'll be lost together, Heero. But will it be forever? Forever is an awfully long time. Too long…

"Duo?" Why do I shudder when you speak my name that way? I don't even know what it means and its ice around my spine and starch in my blood. What are you asking without using words? What are you begging me for when your hands grip my wrists so tightly I think they're going to break and there is a glaze on your eyes that looks like tears. What are you asking of me? And why now, when you never bothered before? Why does it have to be now, when it's too late? There are too many whys in this world.

"What have you done?"

Is that what you're asking? I have done nothing, and everything, but if I'm to blame then you are too, aren't you? It can't all be my fault. Where does one action end and the next begin? Where have the dominoes fallen along the way? How did we get to this place? Is there a road that brought us here, or a path we should have taken? I don't think you know. I don't think you can know, and I certainly don't. So what does that make us, Heero? What does it leave us with.

Death. That's what it leaves us with. Death and decay, and madness and emptiness. All the ills of a world that was never sane and the creatures made to inhabit it, defile it, destroy it. Like me. I promised I would destroy you; I promised you years ago, and maybe I'm slow but I've managed it now. I didn't even have to touch you, and I've killed you. How poisonous this blood is, that it can consume you without leaving my skin.

"All you had to do was ask…" So weak. That's me. Frayed, unravelling, falling to pieces and this time you'll never catch me; I'll slip straight through your fingers and you'll tumble down into hell right behind me. You always said you would follow me anywhere. Well, here's your chance.

"Duo, what have you done?"

Why's it always what I've done? These words, they echo down the corridors of time in screams and evil dreams and they haunt me and destroy me, over and over. Why do they still hurt so much? And when did I stop listening to them, only to hear them again now? What have I been, seen, screamed…

"Heero, we have to go!"

I had forgotten about Quatre. He reads your heart, that Quatre does, and if he doesn't like what he sees he'll try and draw you a new one, re-write what is written there. But I learnt long ago how to hide from him…didn't I? Is this my fault, or are you equally to blame? Do you have some sick part to play in this, Quat? Where have your cards fallen? Where is your space heart now?

Get your filthy, pure hands off of me! I don't want you touching me, don't want you near me…don't want your heart beating anywhere near mine. Maybe that's madness, finally settling in, but I don't care. Stay away from me.

And he does. He pushes me toward the door, not really seeing me, helping Heero off the bed, into his boots, his coat…he does all those things I should have been doing but I was too mad; too consumed by fear and greed and knowledge. I know what you don't. I know what we'll find when we get there. A corpse; a rotting, lifeless body with nothing inside to salvage. I've already been there, done that. Shinigami reaped that crop.

Heero's suddenly just…here. One minute he looks small and fragile, Quatre helping him get ready to go, and then he's looming over me, somehow taller than I ever remember, and I know its just my imagination, I know its just my own fear and guilt painting the fury on his face as he grabs me, pulls me into his side and rushes for the door, but still…I'm afraid.

Terrified. I know what I've done. Even if no one else knows, I know…and how is that, exactly? How do I know? I knew before the phone rang. I knew when I was standing at that window, watching and waiting, perfectly aware he wasn't coming home. I knew. And I didn't do a thing.

We were in the car before I really knew we had left the building…guess I'd already left it, in a way. The road was wet, and I wondered when it had started to rain. It is appropriate, I suppose, in a morbid kind of way. Heaven's crying; it knows what I've done. And I'm still here, still shunned. How many times have I said it, and never really believed it was possible? Well, I believe it now. God hates me; can't stand me, won't look at me and will ensure he takes all his precious angels away from me.

Heero's suddenly close, warmth where there had been none, and there are feather-light kisses on my brow, along my jaw. I look over at him, startled, and he just smiles, this tiny, almost invisible thing that I barely notice. It's the same one he gave me all those years ago…only there were tow of them then, two mouths, four hands…two minds, three hearts…Three…No more.

"Breathe, Duo."

I didn't even know I was holding my breath, but it rushed out of me like a balloon suddenly popped and he just kept smiling at me, as if I had done no wrong, as if he didn't blame me, as if he still loved me. As if.

"What are we going to do?" My voice is so quiet I hardly hear it. I don't know how he does. And the way he keeps smiling, it's as if he's the one who knows something I don't, and who knows? Maybe he does. Maybe a lot of things, and maybe not. I really don't see how it matters anymore. You can't erase the past. I know that.

He leans in, sucking on my skin as if he can draw the life from it and pull it into himself and I shudder beneath his touch, but it's not in fear. I am not afraid here. I'm…nervous. Still terrified, but not of Heero.

"We're going to bounce, Duo."

Bounce, Heero? What on earth…you can't be serious? But one look in your eyes and I know you are. Perfectly so. You remember that question, that one that pulled me from the brink and back into your arms, and I think you actually know what I was asking. You know, and you remember, and you're using even that against me, and it breaks me even as it glues me back together over and over in some vicious cycle. When does it end Heero? When do I find release? From this.

*

The hospital tastes sterile; dead, like the people in it. They're all dying, and I'm dying along with them, only I'm not going anywhere. Not yet. Shinigami has to take all of them first, and then I'll follow, and Heero will follow me. I'll follow…Wufei. What's happening? I don't understand why we're just sitting here. It doesn't take that long to clean up a body, to take in the family to id the dead. It doesn't take this long. It doesn't take seconds…minutes…hours…

How long is a day? I don't remember anymore. This one seems to be all there ever was and all there ever will be. This day, is the day, is the place, the time, the moment…it's this one, and no other. This is the day it falls apart.

I feel…lost. I feel…alone. I feel…cold, terrified, dead. I feel…apathetic.

Heero's here, sitting so still I wonder if he's dead too, and Quatre won't stop pacing, up and down and down and up and up and down…They're opposites those two, and they're exactly the same. I try not to think too hard on that, but when I look away, I see Trowa, just staring at me with that one eye and I know he knows. He knows what I've done, and unlike the rest of them he blames me. This is the one person who accepted me; ME and not some fake mask. He wanted me when I never knew anyone did. He didn't want shadows and air. He wanted light and something to touch. And I gave it to him, but I don't think he wants that anymore. No, when he looks at me, I don't think he wants that at all.

He wishes it was me in there. He knows, like I know, that if it had been me, Heero and Wufei would have been fine, but this way…this way we all lose. So he wishes it had been me, and I don't disagree, because I agree.

"Duo!"

Head snaps up and spins, snatches you into the inner turmoil and I'm moving before I recognise you, some small part of my brain knowing you would come but not remembering. Just waiting. And here you are. You're always here, right there when I need you, my miracle. But you're going to leave, aren't you? You'll go away and not return when you know the truth.

And already you're pulling me aside, away from the others, whispering quickly as if afraid someone will drag you away. But…when I look at you, when I meet your gaze…Relena…you're not afraid. No matter what happens, what we do, where we go, how many times we meet like this…you have never looked at me in fear.

Will you ever know what that means? I don't think so.

"Duo…L2. Tell me." So few words and they escape you so easily. Why is it so easy to ask when it's too late? Even you…you never feared, but you never asked either. Were you afraid to ask, is that what you fear? Is it the asking or the answer? I don't know anything anymore, do I? I never did.

"A bomb. I wrote all of me down and I put it in the wall with the bomb…it would give you enough time to read…but then…no escape. Not on L2. Never from L2."

Your eyes are so wide, so filled with fear and worry, but not of me. Still not of me. It's for me. Why? How? I don't understand this. Unconditionality.

Then your arms are around me and I don't really think at all, and when extra strength wraps around us both and I can smell Heero all around me I feel something in my eyes. It's a prickling, foreign thing and the shiver that seems a permanent fixture in the base of my spine turns to a shudder and races north. And you don't let go, either of you, even though you know.

We're not falling. Not yet.

*

They lead us through a white door. I don't understand why they're always white. Relena waits outside; she's not family. Not the way we are. Quatre and Trowa wait there too, but it grates on them more, that they're not allowed in. They think it should be them coming in here, not me. They think it should be them, and I…I just don't know what to think. So I let Heero take my hand and lead me in, and it's so warm…I can almost forget why we're here. Except for that white door.

He's on the bed. There's a thousand tiny sounds, small hums and beeps of machines, the slow intake and exhale of breath, but I don't hear them. To me, he is still, and the chest doesn't move. He's unmoving, like the eyes that do not move, and don't flicker under their lids because his slumber is not restless. His slumber is perfect. Almost.

Heero moves behind me and takes me by the shoulders, pushing me to the edge of the bed, up onto it so I'm sitting there, my hands reaching out, fingers caressing one lean arm…but it's white. Too white and I pull away, just staring at all the white. Is he really in there? Could he have survived…is he really alive?

Heero's lips are at my forehead again, and then he's leaning over me, murmuring in Wufei's ear and putting his lips there too. On both of us, equally, heart equally spread between. Are we really so alike and I just never saw it? Could Relena have been trying to show me this all along? What have I done? What is the cost of ignorance? Of determined blindness? Is there a cost, or is there only sadness, hunger and a lingering sense of loss.

Sally Po is at the door, watching us. It takes me a full three minutes to realise. Heero just ignores her, sitting behind me, arm wrapped about my waist, other set of fingers entwined with Wufei's.

Fei doesn't move. He doesn't have to. I can hear him now…I can hear him breathing. And I can breathe with him…for Heero. It's what he would want me to do. It's what he was looking for me for. I think…I think he's like Relena. He wanted to ask but didn't know how. He was afraid to, and so he went and tried to find me instead. And this is his reward.

This Stillness.

"We don't expect him to wake."

Catatonic. Yes, they'd said that already. Several times. It never really sunk in. What did that mean anyway? So similar to catastrophic, but not quite there, so similar to plutonic, but not that either…what did it mean?

She left at some point, but her words are still here, echoing down that corridor with all the others, waiting for that moment when God stops hating me so completely and lets me come; lets me go. Lets us all go.

"Heero?"

His arm only wraps tighter, and his fingers find mine and we just sit there, together, quietly, but not silently. Breathing together. Waiting, and I think today is not such a bad day, that I can stay here, like this, now, forever if I have to. That today doesn't need to end until its time, and then I'll move on to tomorrow and I'll be a better person. Because I have found something here. I'm not sure what it is, and I'm not sure if its something old or something new, but I've found it, and if I have to wait to hold on to it then that's what I'll do. I'll do what you want me to do, and I know what that is.

It's sitting here, together. Three of us, together. It's waiting with patience for the right time. It's just being…and nothing else. And it's listening to three hearts…and letting that be enough.

*

He's sitting by the window. I don't know what he sees, I don't know what he hears, what he feels, thinks, wants. I don't know anything. All I know is that he is somewhere else, somewhere I can't follow, and only now do I know that it's enough. For him just to be here.

And that I would do anything at all to have him back.

So I sit here, at his side, in the window, and I watch, hoping to see what he sees, wondering if I hear what he hears, dreaming of feeling what he feels, imagining what he thinks and remembering what he used to want. What he now has but does not know he has.

Its one of those strange ironies of life. Wufei never asked me the things he wanted to know, but he did go searching for them, and he did find them. He completed the mission. But he will probably never reap the benefits. At least, I will never know if he does.

I like to think, sometimes, that he knows we're here. That he sees us, hears us, feels us, knows us. Nothing's really changed, in a strange way. We still talk to him, listen to his silent replies, filling in the silence. We still reach out to him for strength and try to give him everything we think he wants. We just don't expect anything in return, and isn't that the way love is supposed be? Unconditional. Complete.

We sit here each morning, and we watch the sun rise, and sometimes Heero joins us, or sometimes he doesn't. And most of the time I look at Wufei and feel pretty damn pathetic. But occasionally, I think I see him smiling. Not physically. It's that point when the sunshine hits the glass just so and reflects, refracts, shatters and reforms…and rainbows dance, just for a moment, just for us. Right then, there's something in Wufei that glows, that recognises something, and that's when I know.

He's still in there. And one day, he'll wake up. I don't believe Sally Po. Never have, never will. I'm not mad, I'm human. Wufei's not dead, he's sleeping. The world is not a nice place, but it's a place. And when Wufei wakes up, we'll be here, all of us, waiting and ready, and we'll continue making each other happy. Because that's all we can do, in the end. Just make others happy, and be happy because we did. Right now.

Right here.