Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ The Creed: The Wick ( Chapter 2 )

-The Wick-

I woke. I say I woke, but what I mean is I was…born again. That same chilling cold that bites and numbs and makes you howl? Yup, that's the one. Born into agony that you have no words to describe because you can't speak. You can only scream. I don't know when it's supposed to change. I've been screaming all my life. No one's heard me yet.

I was not aware of anything around me. I didn't open my eyes to find out. I just screamed until my throat grew tired and ceased, and then I screamed some more. Silently in the cold, empty void that was my life. Only this time? I had a reason to bellow. This time it honest to god hurt.

I fell into darkness several times. It was sweet; the ultimate surrender. When I at last awoke to a numb cold that was eerily familiar it was to also feel a similarly familiar cold stare. It's strange how you can know what is there without seeing it. It's just a feeling, a little snickering sense in the back of you head that seems to laugh at you for not noticing you were being watched sooner. That voice gets me all the time. You would think I would have learnt already that if Heero Yuy is anywhere in my vacinity he's going to be glaring.

Which brought memory crashing back as I realised he had a reason to glare. I had lied! Gasping as my mind rushed back to the mission, my body struggled to free itself of the sheets and cords binding it to the bed, to no avail. Iron hard hands pushed me down and held me flat on my back but I was mindless, the brain sending the body only on message: run. It's an old reflex. It never fails. It keeps me alive.

Alive. I settled down, my body going still. I was alive. Again. How do I do that? How do I keep coming back? Doesn't death want me? Does God hate me so much? I felt tears prickling in my eyes and I pushed them back. I do not cry. Not in front of Heero; not where people can see me. If they knew I could cry, hell if they knew I felt! It would all end. They would learn to love me, and then they would die.

Why couldn't I just die? Why do I keep coming back? If I could just do this one thing right none of them would get hurt again. They would be safe!

"Duo?"

Why so hesitant Heero? You almost sound scared. Would you kill me if you knew I could hear it? If you knew that I could hear what you felt? Maybe I should tell you. Then you can kill me and save yourself. Save all of you…from me.

I turned my head, pleading with my eyes. I almost laughed when Heero pushed his chair back away from the bed and stood, cold and silent. He didn't understand what he was seeing, I knew. He didn't know the person lying on the bed. Lying? No, I'm tied to it, the damned thing! He doesn't know me; I'm nothing more than an injured animal pleading to get free so they can jump from the highest building they can find and die. Just die!

Heero left. I am not surprised. I would leave to, if I could. But I'm stuck here, with these machines pumping life into me as the itch begins. Yes, the itch. It always follows pain, the itch only it lasts three times as long and if anything its worse. I would suffer the pain gladly, for twice as long, if I could just avoid the itch. The itch makes me weak. It makes me hunger for human contact; hunger for life. I hate it.

"Good afternoon Duo!"

If I could have groaned I would have, but it's hard to do with a mask over your face that's filling your lungs with air. Besides, my throat was raw. I couldn't have told you my own name, and its kinda short so that is saying something.

Why is Quatre always so happy? He's not. It's not a mask. Quatre is not complex enough to create such an elaborate ruse as mine, but he is meticulous. There are levels to Quatre's persona and they only go so deep before the happiness crumbles to reveal a broken little boy who wants to curl into a little ball and just disappear. In some ways, Quatre is like me, and yet he's not. We are as different as sky and sea, both blue but such very different shades and depths.

I want him to go away. He knows I do; his space heart tells him so. But he doesn't leave. He sits on the bed and places flowers by my bed. He knows too much. He knows that it doesn't hurt because they've pumped me so full of morphine I can feel my face let alone the rest of me. He knows the pain is deeper, older and more infinite. He knows it can't be healed because he knows I won't let it. I won't let them close enough to touch me. I won't let them love me.

I blink at him. He's smiling but it's a jilted grin and in my vision it is fading. I'm sinking, as I always have and its dark, empty, cold. I'm safe. They're safe. I'm happy here, aren't I?

I wake again. I think I'm alone. I stare at the ceiling for close on an hour, not thinking about anything, just staring. It's not white, that ceiling, it's faded beige, like rotten eggs. I hate it. I want to leave. I try my hands again, struggling against the bonds. I feel skin tearing, stitches breaking, blood pumping. I don't care. I want to leave. I have to escape. I want to go back to my room at the safe house. For some reason, it feels safe there. Maybe that's the real reason it's a safe house. Maybe the people make it safe.

"Stop that!"

I look at Wufei in surprise. Where did you come from? Where were you hiding? Why are you here? I wanted to scream at him, but my throat was no closer to making noise than before and only a wheeze escaped my chaffed lips.

"You've scared everyone away Maxwell," Wufei explained, sitting calmly on the side of the bed. "Even the nurses refuse to come in here now. It's just me and the doctors."

I scared Heero away? Thank heavens. And Quatre and Trowa. They're safe. I don't have to worry any more. But Wufei…I glared at him; the same death glare I had given Heero. It didn't work. He just shook his head and laughed; laughed at me!

Look away, look away, don't listen, let it hurt! If it hurts he doesn't love you and if he hates you he won't get hurt. Let it hurt you…

My mantra changes daily but the purpose remains the same. Keep them away. Keep them safe.

"Now I know why Quatre left in tears…" Wufei snapped at me, flicking a wayward tube with a disinterested finger.

I made Quatre cry? Then he must hate me! I have succeeded! But then…I can't go back to the safe house…It doesn't matter. It was worth it. He hates me; he's safe. I don't have to worry about him any more. The cold has stepped one step closer to me and I embrace it.

I study Wufei carefully now. I don't know why he's here. I don't want him here. But I don't know how to make him leave. Wufei fears nothing. All he feared has come to pass, and its all uphill from here. Not so for me. I have to make him leave. I have to set him free…And suddenly, from the emptiness dwelling deep within, the how becomes me.

"Is this what your wife was like, before she died?"

Is that my voice? I don't recognise it. Even when I didn't know my reflection I knew my voice, but now…even it is lost to me. I am a stranger. It makes it easier to do what must be done. I have to hurt him. I have to break through that ice and melt it with the fires of death. They cannot harm me, but they can harm Wufei. Better my dragon be wounded ahead of me than dead in my wake.

Pain in you eyes Wufei? Why is that not surprising? How do I know you so well when we have shared so little?

"If she hated you half as much as I do then I know why she's dead."

Pain and fury. Are you going to hit me Wufei? Is that why your fist is clenched? Please hit me. Let me feel something, anything; prove I'm alive! And then take my life. Destroy it, smash it under your heel and do us all a favour. I know you want to…and I want you to.

Are those tears for me Wufei, or for your wife? Are they for yourself? Why are you sitting by me again? Why aren't you leaving? Why are you touching my face? Why can I feel it? Why why why why? Why don't I ever know why!?!

He's kissing me on the forehead, like a wayward child, accepting the apology I would never give as if I knew I had done something wrong and was sorry for it. But I'm not. I want you gone! Why can't you see it like the others did? Why won't you leave me alone?

The pain is coming back. The drugs are wearing off. Wufei can see it in his eyes, I know he can…He's checking the tubes, looking at the door, wanting a doctor to come by at just the right time. He doesn't understand; this is me, Duo, on the bed. There will be no help, no saviour from the pain. I am death, and death has no allies. Kill me, please…

He's looking at me again. He has the same look in his eyes Heero had that night when he came back from the mission. I don't know what it means.

I'm fading. Darkness is coming again. It's a welcome respite, but I can see those lips touching my forehead again, feel the fingers touching my cheek like small fires…Fires that are touching me. Fires that are burning me. But the real burn was yet to come.

"We love you Duo. Get well."

Noooooooooo! I was swallowed by the dark, falling into oblivion s my mind raced, desperate to find footing in a world that crumbled within my very soul. It could not be. I had tried so hard. I had built the best mask; it was flawless. That made it worse. They didn't love me. I was death. They loved the mask; they loved Duo.

The burning sensation flooded every part of me. I am on fire. I am shrivelling up, finally dying. I am nothing. I have failed the only mission I had to succeed in. I am useless.

But I am still here. I am a small flame, flickering on the brink and despite all my wailing to the contrary, I want to live. I just have to stay away. Just have to run, hide…lie…

I am shaking again. Is it a fit of some sort? I don't know. I'm too deep to see. But I can feel that burning touch on my mind, those words blinding and I am flickering.

It's been lit. This wick.