Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ The Creed: Wake ( Chapter 4 )

Thanks for the wonderful reviews! This is kind of a weird story to write, it's not as easy as I thought it would be so comments are much appreciated. Particular thanks to Arithkenshin, who is addicted, and addictive in her responses! Love you!

-Wake-

What time is it? I have no idea. It's night again, that's all I know. How do I know it? It's dark…usually when its dark it means its night. Unless the sun blew up and no one bothered to tell me. Not such a hard thing to believe really. It's been days. They haven't come to see me. I'm in the same damn house, listening to their every move but they do not come.

I've seen Wufei…once. He left food by the door. I think he wants me to get up and eat it. I can now; the morphine is just about dead. But I don't. I don't want to move. I don't want to feel. I want it all to be a dream and when I wake up all these years will be proven a lie. I'll be safe in that stupid hide, Solo curled protectively behind me, the smell of the dirty blanket the only thing I need to know. I won't be cursed. I will love. And I will be loved. There will be no death.

Of course if I had a dollar for every wish, every dream…my name would be Quatre. But it's not. I'm called Duo Maxwell, or at least that's what they call me. My real name is Shinigami, and they're all going die if I get out of this room. They're all going to die if I get up from this bed. Hell, they're all going to die anyway. Why? Because I was stupid. Because I let the mask slip, even though I don't know when. Because I let them in and now they're stuck.

Now they think they are my friends, and they love me…Can you say death sentence?

The door is opening. I'm almost interested enough to look, but I can't. Not when they'll die for it. Not while I'm dying inside.

You realise a lot when you're alone, in the dark, without the emptiness to escape to. At least, I have. I've tried to sink, to disappear in the empty void that has for so long being me. I stare at this ceiling and I pray for release, for the complete avoidance of reality, but it no longer exists. I'm too far gone. So what do I see? I see nothing but the endless wheel of time and I'm stuck in one particular spike, unable to move.

I see Heero.

What the? My view of the ceiling is interrupted by a head not a foot away from my own. It's dark, certainly, but the half moon lets the light filter through my curtains and when a face is that close to your own it doesn't really matter how dark it gets, you still know its bearer. That smell, that silent sound…it gets in your head and you can't get it out. It's Heero. It's hell. You thought hell was a place? More fool you.

"You're awake."

No shit sherlock. What do you want? Why are you here? Why now? What are you going to do? Are you going to kill me? I want you to…I want you to kill me so I can't kill you. Is that really so much to ask? Maybe it is…

You're sitting on my bed…why? It's mine. I don't want you here! Can't you see you aren't welcome anymore? Anymore…Were you welcome once? I can't remember. It's all such a blurr…When did everything get so messed up? When did I turn to poison?

"You need to eat."

Do I? If I eat I'll live, and then you'll die. If I don't I die…whose life is worth more, Heero? All four of yours, for my pathetic existence? No. I won't allow it, and neither would you. I know you too well.

You don't know me well enough. That's what this is all about isn't it? That's why you're here now, and why you wouldn't come before. That's why you left the hospital and why you've been hiding ever since. You don't know me, and you're beginning to understand you never did. Did you? How can you know me if I don't know myself? How can you know something that doesn't exist? No Heero…you don't know me, I'm a stranger.

"What's wrong Duo? We don't understand what's happening to you. Why won't you talk to us?"

What's wrong? What's wrong? Of course you don't understand. You're alive! The only way to find out is to die, and I won't let it happen Heero. What's wrong…everything is wrong Heero. I'm killing you, killing you all and myself along with you. We're all dying because I'm not strong enough. I'm don't have the strength to let go. If I could…If I could there would be nothing wrong ever again. There would be nothing, plain and simple. But…

I'm afraid Heero. I never used to fear, so why now? What is wrong with me? Why won't I talk to you? There's nothing to say. There never has been anything to say. How do you tell someone they're going to die? How would you do it Heero? Stupid question, you'd tell them you're going to do it for them. But I can't do it Heero, because I really am going to kill them. They're all going to die, and you too, because of me.

"Duo, please." You sound so scared…But you don't fear anything right Heero?

"Duo…say something…look at me…anything…"

What do you want Heero? Just tell me and I'll give it to you. I can't fight you any more. I'm too tired, too broken…too full of nothing.

"Heero…" Is that my voice? I still don't know it. It's worse than ever. I haven't used it in so long.

"Duo!" So excited, and all I had to say was your name. Why didn't I see it when you fell, Heero? Why couldn't I see I had overstepped, and flailed, falling and failing as I fell?

"What do you want me to do?" I looked into those blue eyes that usually see so much but were in this case blind and saw him wince. He is so unsure of himself. Why? Are you afraid you'll hurt me Heero? You won't care when you're dead. Neither will I.

He seems to be struggling…With what? I frown at him, I don't understand what he's thinking. I can never see his thoughts on his face. I need to know, need to be one step ahead, but I've fallen so far behind. I am too late, aren't I Heero? You've got the jump on me.

"Promise me Duo."

"Promise you what?"

"Promise me you will stop hurting Wufei. Promise me you will eat and stop hurting yourself. Promise me you will stop thinking whatever it is you're thinking and stop hurting Quatre. Promise me you will talk again and stop hurting Trowa. Promise me you'll smile again, touch me again, run around and terrorise us again, and stop hurting me."

Where the hell did that come from? You know you can't talk for a week now, right Heero? But then, you always have been one for righteous speeches. I should know better, but I don't. And you know it.

I thought you didn't know me. I thought there was nothing you could use against me. I tried so hard to remain cold, but Wufei…he used a word to light the fire of life in me, and I can't put it out. No matter what, I don't want to. I don't want to die Heero, but I can't live without you.

"Promise me Duo."

I can't look away from you Heero. I'm trapped in your gaze, and you know it. I can see it in your eyes that you know it and I'm drowning all over again. How can I promise when it means you'll die? How can I?

"I can't."

"Can't or won't? Promise me Duo!" So demanding Heero. Will you kill me if I don't? Omoe o koruso? I don't think so. That's my job, my mission, my legacy…that's Shinigami.

"No."

"Yes."

Are we really going to do this Heero? No, I won't. I've said no. I won't promise what I can't. You're right; I just won't. And you can see it in my eyes, but you won't give up. It's a mission, right Heero? Break Duo Maxwell, make him conform. You can't force the dead Heero and I'm as close to it as I can put myself. I'm just waiting for the blow. Got a detonator?

"Promise!" What are you doing?

"Heero!" I try to push him off, but he's so strong and I'm so weak…He pushes me into the pillows hard and kisses me…Heero Yuy is kissing me and I can't do a thing about it. He pulls away and smirks, of all the gall, he's smirking at me!

"Promise, or I'll do it again!"

But…I want you to do it again! But, if you do you might fall in love with me for real, and then you won't even make it out of the room. If I promise…You lose either way Heero. You've made it impossible. The choice is the same one, no alternatives, and damn it you know it! I can see in your eyes that you know it! Is that why you stayed away so long, to figure out the perfect trap? Did it really take you that long?

"Bastard!" He's not listening to me, his lips are on mine again. I can't escape. I want to run but I've no legs to carry me. I'm useless.

"Promise me Duo!"

Are those tears on my cheeks? Again? Will they never leave me alone? You've given me no choice…

"I promise…" So soft it's barely audible, but you've heard it and I can't take it back. Once given a promise cannot be revoked. From now on, I have to live, and you'll pay for it Heero. You'll all pay!

"What are you doing?" I mumble against his cheek as he licks the tears off my face. His tongue is warm and soft, I don't want it to stop. "Heero?" I'm so confused.

"I'm loving you. It's time to wake up Duo."

Loving me? I'm spiralling, falling, tumbling through myself…Will you catch me Heero? Will I catch you when it's your turn? Part of me is dying, as surely as the other was already dead, but where Wufei lit the wick…In the wake of all that decay…

I'm waking. I'll save you.