Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Creed Arc ❯ The Creed: Infallible ( Chapter 8 )

-Infallible-

There are murmurings intruding on my sleep. I could wake, hear what they have to say, let it touch me in ways I should not allow myself to be touched, but I won't. I'm going to stay here, where it's quiet, and dark; where I am alone. I like it here. It's a place I had almost forgotten. It's a place begotten, like me. Between dreams and the waking world I can pretend, if only for a vague instant, that I don't exist. I can pretend I haven't failed. I can pretend a great many things.

But sooner or later? You have to wake up. I'm no different.

"He looks like shit!" Blunt as ever Heero. As if I'm going to open my eyes and let you know I'm awake when you're sprouting stuff like that.

"And you think that's my fault?" Wufei, of course it's not your fault. I ran. I didn't eat. I rarely drank. I did mission after mission after mission, all in the dark. I can't remember the last time I saw the sun…

"You were supposed to follow him!"

What? Follow me? Wufei? On whose orders? Heero's? What has been going on? Since when did I need a tail? How did you even know I would run? You can't know me that well, I would never let you. What's going on?

"You said not to interfere!" It's alright Wufei! Please calm down, don't yell, it…

…it's hurting me. Why? Why does your anger hurt? It's never done that before. But then…you've never really been angry with me before. Are you angry at me Wufei, or Heero? I know you're yelling at him, but I feel…hurt, somehow. Not that it matters. You can hurt me all you like if it makes you happy. But…I wish…I wish there was another way. Wishes are so useless.

"I didn't tell you to let him die!" I'm not dead Heero! Look, I'm here, in you arms. That's my chest rising and falling against yours. I'm breathing, I'm living, I'm killing you with every breath I take, drawing you closer to your maker. Why can't we end this?

"You didn't tell me not to!" Such a huge sigh Wufei. How heavy is that weight on your shoulders? I want to take it off you. I will, if you just tell me how. I'll do anything to make you happy. You have to be happy. There's no point if you're not.

"Heero, I tried. You weren't there. You didn't see. You were right. If I had interfered he would have run so hard, so fast, nothing would have caught him. He really would be dead right now." It…it's not true! I can't die! He won't let me! God does not want me in paradise and the devil wants me here. I couldn't have died, I couldn't have run any faster, I would have failed. I always do. It's not possible…is it? Could I have ended it?

Gentle touches on my jaw, in my hair, on my hands. More than two hands, this is four. I want to open my eyes, to see you touch me, but if I'm awake…if you see I'm awake you'll stop, and I'll know it isn't real. Or worse, I'll know it is real, and you'll die even sooner.

"I'm sorry Wufei. I know you tried."

You're sorry? I'm hearing things! Heero Yuy never apologises for anything! He can't. He doesn't know how!

There is a new weight on the bed. Wufei has sat down, I can feel his heat, and I can smell him. That unique scent that is completely Wufei. It's tea and sweat, musk and skin. It's beautiful and it makes me safe, which makes me furious.

The two weights shift, move closer, over my head…they' aren't…but I can hear it. Soft suckling noises above me, almost inaudible, but it's the only noise, and the shifting of their weight proves it.

I am…relieved. They don't love me. They love each other. It makes me cold and jealous, true. But at least they don't love me. I might not kill them yet! They might be able to save themselves, because its becoming painfully clear I can't save them myself. Thank God they don't…

Lips on my forehead. Lips on my cheek. Butterfly kisses on the tips of my fingers. Tongues flicking in my elbow joint. Teeth pulling on my ear. Breath against my throat. Hands on my chest. Sensory overload. I'm falling.

There's no place to go. I can't escape them. My body is on fire and its dragging my mind up, out of the darkness, beyond the void, fully into the waking world.

Breath in my ear, voice humming through my nerves.

"Open your eyes Duo." But Wufei…

I can't say no to you. My eyes open. It's real.

I'm lying against Heero. He seems so surprised to see my eyes. There's something in those depths of blue that are screaming at me, begging for something, but I don't understand. My hand is in Wufei's, his fingers entwined around my own but so lightly I can barely feel it. My arm is folded against his chest and his head lifts from its place beside my ear and he smiles at me. It has been so long since I saw the sun.

"Good morning, Duo." Good Morning Wufei.

"Good Morning, Duo." Good Morning Heero.

You both look…nervous. And you both have that strangeness to your eyes, as if you want something from me but I don't know what it is. I want to give it to you; I want to make you happy. But what if making you happy is what kills you in the end? How can I make that choice when I don't know the answer?

"How do you feel?"

Trust Wufei to ask that. He knows damn well how I feel. He just wants to hear me say it; hear me admit it. And after my laughing fit, which only unconsciousness could stop, who can blame him? You saw too much in your vigil at my side Wufei. I couldn't break you, but you learnt all the buttons to push to break me. How do I fight that? How do I fight any of this? How do I keep you alive, well and happy?

"Duo?"

Heero, why do you always push? Why can't you wait? Why does everyone have to conform to your idea of perfect? And what is your idea of perfect anyway? Does it even exist? Of course it does. You would have to be an angel, or a damn martyr, to earn the respect of Heero Yuy, right?

"I'm fine." Such a simple answer, you can use it all day every day and it never fails. Well, almost never.

"Bullshit."

"That's a lie, Duo."

Soo, you know me too well. But why ask if you know the answer? Doesn't that defeat the purpose.

Wufei's hand is on my cheek. Your fingers are so soft, so gentle. There aren't even calluses on the tips. How have you managed that? It's like baby skin. It's beautiful.

"Duo, no masks. Just tell us."

Just tell you. Have you no idea? Can you not see? Have you not tried to learn the truth yourselves? That was the moment! This is that split second in time when everything clicks.

They had tried to see it, and they had failed. Failed. Them. They were not perfect. I had beaten them; my codes, my handiwork had disarmed them. My past was deleted or hidden so deeply even Heero had given in. I had…succeeded.

Just tell you. Tell you what you couldn't find when you went behind my back. Tell you what I have spent years hiding, years trying to eradicate, dismantle, disassemble and destroy. But you can't destroy memory. You can't destroy what's already been destroyed.

"There is nothing to tell…"

It's all there, right behind my eyes, in the back of my throat, ready to explode. I thought I had buried it, but it always comes back. I can't hide from it any more. I can't deny it.

"Duo, tell us!"

"I am…poison. I am…death. I am…the destruction of happiness. I am sticks, and stones. I am impervious to my own mortality. I am the final kiss for all that touches me. I am."

Such wide eyes, such horror filled silence. It hurts so much to hear those words, but I know it only hurts because it's true. Nothing hurts like the truth.

You are struggling together, I can feel it, fighting to find a response. There is nothing you can say. I know it is true. I have seen the fruit of this truth. I have watched them burn, those beings I love. I have watched them waste away. I have seen the happiness dim and felt the anger bloom. I know truth. You cannot stop it.

"You are…" A feather light kiss on my eyelid. "…beautiful." Heero?

"You are…" Another on my collarbone. "…honey." Wufei?

"You are…" On my lips. "….roses and thorns." Heero!

"You are…" On my wrist. "…ecstasy." Wufei!

I can't stop crying. You can say all the pretty words you want, and they will touch me, every one. But you can't take the memories. You can't take the plague, the pestilence, the war, the death…You can't change truth.

"Heero…" A kiss, on the lips.

"Wufei.." A kiss on the lips.

You can't change truth. It is infallible.