Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Forsworn ❯ Frustration ( Chapter 7 )

Title: The Forsworn ~ Frustration

Author: Sita Seraph

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Unknown

Rated: R

Warning: Suicide, angst, depression

Summary: None yet.

Note: Unbeta'ed.

The lights must have been turned off. The single hall was dark and gloomy, the shadows creeping down the tiled walls and melting on the floor. The rooms, whose doors were the only openings, were closed and bolted up as if they have been sealed from the inside. I stood in the middle of the hallway, staring down at the dark depths of a black corridor with an empty chill surrounding my exposed flesh. The ice seemed to reach with its fingertips into my skin, pass the muscles and taunt flesh, and into my bones where they rubbed and grinded. I was shivering, I couldn't help it. It was just so blasted cold in the airless passage and my feet were bare. I felt so exposed to the haunting dark hall and to the chilly air that was trying to enter my lungs. I firmly breathed through my nose, the bitter air nipping at it like a tart treat.

But as I looked on, past the darkness caving in the hall, I could see just beyond my long eyesight a small light. The light of a room that the gloom tried to hide with the dark hands of night. I stepped forward, ignoring the sharp pains of frost creeping up my legs. I walked into the obscurity with the confident air of a soldier, my trembling digits slowly closing into a fist as I fought to maintain control against the rime that kept attacking my nearly nude body. The prickles of ice were sharp against my skin, like getting repeatedly poked with the sharp tip of a needle. My body was beginning to shudder so violently now that I was afraid my legs would give out on me and I would succumb to the shadows of winter. But I was getting closer. I was almost there. The light was blinding. It glowed so bright when the darkness would move away from it a bit that my eyes would dialect and I would be forced to shut my eyes before they were ruined. As bright as the sun, maybe even brighter. But I could feel the warmth…I could feel it…

With my eyes firmly shut into another dark hole behind my eyes, I reached out blindly to the light…

And then started screaming as something like a knife sliced up into my foot.

~

One Week Later

I snapped awake in my bed, none too gracefully, with a jerk into the air. I was suddenly sitting up and the world spun around me, the corners of my eyes blacking out. I groaned, shutting my eyes, and fell back with the sheets tangling its tricky silk around my lower limps. Sweat was built up all over my flesh and like a hungry animal the covers had stuck to it with a burning desire to soak it all up. But I wasn't hot, no, not at all. I was still trembling, though not as roughly like my dream, from the cold night that the window let flutter in. I could almost feel the icy breath of frost within my throat and I coughed hard; it did not relieve the pressure of an arctic hand on my throat.

Opening my eyes again, I stared at the ceiling above me. The urge to cough was up in my throat again but I forced it back down. If I made too much noise, Quatre would come in with a medicine bag and worried expression fit upon his brow. I had yet to remind him that he should relax or he would soon look 40 in a couple of years. Poor Winner…He did have it rough sometimes with friends like us. I guess money really isn't everything, unless you're a cold bastard.

I sighed and rolled off, letting a small cough bubble past my refusing lips. I didn't want to fight the covers to climb across the cold floor to the window. But I shuddered again, more violently, before I realized that I would never fall asleep in such cold climates. Grumbling half-heartedly, I tore the sheets away from my legs that they had wrapped themselves so lovingly around. I crossed the room, glancing at the clock that read 5:00 am as I went by, and slammed the window shut with a grunt. I winced and looked around almost sheepishly. Quatre probably heard that one and would be running in to see if there was a problem.

I waited.

And…nothing happened. Maybe Quatre's sensitive hearing just wasn't the same anymore. But, nonetheless, I felt a piqued interest rising to how Quatre could have slept so soundly when I had nearly broken the window in my haste to shut it and go back to bed. So I walked quickly out of the room and into the warm, luscious hall (It was such a wonder I survived the war with my tank top and spandex) and went next door to Quatre's room. He had insisted that I stayed with him, once he heard about my apartment. And leave it to Quatre to be pushy when he didn't want to have one of his closest friends to live in a shit hole of an apartment.

I stopped at the door and faced it for a moment. I almost felt stupid for a moment; why was I imposing? Quatre was probably exhausted after trying hour after hour with Duo to respond to their presence and failed repetitively. It seemed that one-time performance was just that: a one-time.

But I was awake now, my nightmare a faint trace in the back of my head, and I was here. Might as well wake up Quatre and get an early start on the day. I thought about knocking but decided against it since, if Quatre didn't hear the slam of my window, he would definitely not hear a timid little knock. Twisting the handle, I slipped open the door wide enough to peek into the shadowed room. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust but I eventually stepped into the warm, almost humid, room. It had an odd smell in it, almost stuffy. I shrugged though; it was a hell of a lot better then my room at the moment.

I started across the room to arouse Quatre, my eyes to the floor to dodge the clothes that had been scattered about in a trail from the door to the bed. But it was then that I noticed that some of these clothes weren't just Quatre's…

Eyes drawing upwards, I watched as Quatre rolled over just in time to snuggle closer into the warm chest breathing lightly into his body. I blinked once. Perhaps again. And then everything registered.

Trowa was Quatre's lover.

I stared at the pair for a moment longer, Trowa's arms so tight around Quatre's frail body that he looked like he was ready to break. But Quatre looked so smashed into his lover's body that they seemed to become one, instead of two beings in the bed. The covers were tangled around from the waist down, two pairs of chest breathing and pushing against each other rhythmaticly.

I was nearly over ridden by jealously.

Hastily, I retreated from the room and away from the peaceful couple that seemed completely oblivious to the world while in each other's arms. My eyes started to burn but I knew the perfect cure for that.

I headed straight towards the shower where no one could hear me.

*****

I should have guessed it. It was almost plainly obvious that they had a thing for each other for a long time now. I don't know why I blocked it out until now, when it almost hit me in the face. I must have done it sub-consciously, when I wasn't even looking for the facts. I…guess I didn't really want to see it.

Sighing, I sulked over my piece of plain toast. I hated breakfast. Anything sweet in the morning made my stomach do nice twists and turns. Give me plain oatmeal or some toast and you have one happy ex-Gundam pilot.

Ack. Humor. Where was Duo when you actually needed the baka?

I suddenly dropped the toast in distaste, my stomach coming up to my throat. Stupid Heero. I couldn't believe I thought of that. I thought I had accepted the fact that Duo wasn't the Duo I knew. All right, maybe I did know the true Duo…to some extent. But he was like some masked shadow or a rotting book with missing pages. I felt so helpless each day while I just sat in Duo's little corner of the room and watch him stare mindlessly out the window. It was maddening to not just want to smack him to get some sort of reaction. But he was immobile, inside and out, besides the swaying of the watch that Quatre sometimes swayed in front of his face. He never reacted to my voice, never listened to any of the questions I asked him. I was frustrated. I was frustrated and angry with myself. I was a lot of help during the war but when Duo-baka needed my help, what could I do? Sit on the window seat and stare at those vegetable eyes. I was getting filled up with remorse. Maybe I really couldn't do anything to help Duo. Perhaps…he was too far-gone…

I grunted angrily at my toast and tossed the plate into the sink. I had to get my frustration out on someone and I couldn't do it to Quatre. And I didn't want to face Trowa either. I've been dodging his glances for a week now and I think he is getting suspicious. If he knew how worried and weak I was right now…

Suddenly, I knew exactly who would take my wrath. Rushing out of the kitchen, I snatched my leather jacket from over the comforter chair. As I was slipping it on, Quatre and Trowa appeared one after another down the stairs. Trowa gave me a once over before proceeding to the kitchen and Quatre stopped to watch with a questioning brow.

"Where are you going?" Quatre asked. "We are just about to visit Duo after we eat."

I didn't answer at first. I finished with my jacket and went to the door, opening it while grabbing my keys at the same time. I looked over my shoulder slowly at Quatre.

"I'm going to get Wufei."

*****

The Preventers' building was cold. Clutching the jacket tighter around me, I walked down the lonely hall where I had been pointed down to where Wufei should be. The hall had a dark hue to it; it reminded me of my dream, only more confined. I shuddered and lowered my head to busy myself by setting up my footsteps to miss the cracks in the perfectly set tiles. It probably made my walk look a little funny, but it was distracting and I needed a distraction. I wonder how many times I could dodge the cracks in the floor covering before I would miss…

~"Step on a crack and break your mother's back, Heero!"~

I grounded down my teeth, Duo's old saying coming up from some forgotten memory. Everywhere I turned, he was there. His words, his looks, his passions. They could have been all lies, most likely they were, but they were still there and I held onto them. It was all I knew about Duo. And perhaps he had slipped one time and let out a clue of his true self…

~"It's a good thing then that I don't have a mother, ne?"~

I felt a brief smile touch my lips but it faded when I caught sight of a little sign on the last door in the hall. Chang Wufei. I reached out slowly and turned the knob. Despite the cold temperatures around me, the knob was surprisingly warm…

I pushed open the door and when it moved out of the way, Wufei was staring up at me from his wooden desk, his desk lamp on and beaming down at the paper he had been working on, his pencil tip still digging into document. His glasses were pressed firmly upon the end of his nose, the black frame catching the pale light just like his glasses. From where I was standing at, the light that radiated off the paper and back into Wufei's face, made his obsidian hair have a tint of brown. His black piercing eyes stared out at me with indifference, my presence here a shocking one but nothing to get over excited about. He calmly set down his pencil, the soft tap of wood against wood as it hit the desk, and his eyes never left mine. I stepped into the warm office, thankful to get away from the cold haunting in the hallway, and shut the door behind me.

Click.

"Yuy," Wufei addressed in a calm monotone. "What are you doing here?"

My eyes flickered across the room briefly. A chair, a desk, and papers. Very Wufei. "I've come to get you."

"Get me?" He repeated and looked down to shuffle his papers back into order, which, oddly, were already in perfect setting on the desk.

"Yes," I answered. "To see Duo."

"I'm too busy."

The cold shoulder. I shivered faintly. The room wasn't as warm as it was suddenly and I stared at Wufei. His eyes were now scanning his papers, as if he had dismissed me with the wave of his hand and like an obedient puppy, I was too leave the room as told. I glowered.

Thank God I broke the order bullshit.

I strode over quickly and Wufei looked up immediately at my quick movement. Standing now directly in front of his desk and him, I calmly put my hands down upon the desk, covering the important sheets that distracted his attention so much to ignore ME. I admit, I might have grown soft in the absence of war but I still was Heero Yuy, the perfect soldier. I've just got a few more emotions that's all.

Anger was one of them.

"Really?" I said coolly, narrowing my eyes to burn into his. His eyes were steady though and truly, I was amazed. Not many had been able to stand to look into my death glare but it seemed that Wufei had grown immune to it. I didn't like it at all.

"Yes. Really," Wufei answered and tried to wave my hands aside. But I planted them firmly into the paper below me that even my fingers were beginning to crinkle them up. He seemed to notice then and looked back up at me.

"Heero."

I must have misheard; did he call me Heero? He has never called me by my first name; not even in the war. My, my, so I'm not the only one who has changed from those heavy times. Whatever he wanted to say must have been terribly important. Or else it was a slip-up. My interest increased.

I straightened and watched Wufei stand up. Now he leaned over the desk, fingertips pressing into the papers below them. He held my gaze and for once, I thought he was trying to burn me and not the other way around. I stared at him, into those shadowed orbs, and I noticed for the first time, how passive they were. They seemed too wise on his face, too deep. I thought Duo's indigo eyes were like bottomless holes but it seemed that Wufei went much, much deeper. Amazing.

"Heero," he repeated. "Did you ever think of the possibility of Duo never waking up?"

Slap. I felt like he had just slapped me. My eyes widened to stare at him in astonishment and I watched as a frown deepened on his face. His eyes seemed to have intensified and I felt myself, oddly, being sucked in without any strength to fight. Gloom covered my eyesight as I entered and I blinked wildly to see again. But his eyes were so profound…Wufei…Your mask has broken.

"I refuse to see Duo," he said softly. "I can't see the way he is now, Heero. I don't want to remember that." He paused and seemed even deeper in thought, the corners of his eyes tinting with profound serenity. "…I want to remember the mask. Do you understand? You can't make me go."

"Why Wufei…?" I heard myself whisper, something that barely left my lips. He heard though, his ears were so sensitive like the rest of us.

"Duo had a reason for what he did," Wufei answered just as a softly, his voice lowering with each word. "He wanted to get away from us, Heero. Don't you see?"

"That's not true," I whispered furiously. It wasn't true; Quatre and I had just proved that.

"How do you know?"

"Because he told us."

There was a long silence and the spell must have broken, for the haze in my eyes began to eat away. I stared at Wufei, who was looking off with perplex thought masked on his face. His eyes stared at the corner of his desk, sparkled with the light of the lamp beside him. A single strand of blacken silk freed itself from his pony tail and fell across his cheek. Slowly, almost in slow motion, Wufei brushed it back with his fingertips and behind his ear.

"You must come," I ordered and I watched his complex eyes shift and look at me from the corner of his eyes. He then sighed and looked away, turning his back to me.

"I'll come in a few days."

I was satisfied enough. I turned around as well, away from the light and the warmth. Away from the hypnotizing orbs that I felt scorching my back as I walked to the door. There was a soft click as I left his office and into the cold.

TBC…