Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Little MerPilot ❯ The Doctors of Triton? ( Chapter 1 )

Warning: This is silly and filled with immature humor. It's filled with OOC. I am the author of it. Oh, and this is a yaoi. Yup. Lots of butt sex, and boys lusting after boys....penises for all! Yaaaay! *flails like a Jim Henson muppet*

Disclaimer: I do not own The Little Mermaid, nor would I want to. Well, maybe I would...then I could sell it, and I wouldn't be so desperate for moneys... Neither do I own Gundam Wing, if I did there would be 30,000 OAVs and they would all be yaoi pornos.

Author's Note: Yes, I still live. And Number 12 is not dead either, for those of you who have read it. I'm back to work again so all is good and tasty once more. By the way, don't ask how this idea popped in my head. Let us just say that when it did pop up, I bust out laughing in the middle of my Philosophy class, and now everyone there thinks I'm crazy. u.u;

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Dedication: To ME, because I had a bad day and this makes me feel better. >.>

~~~~

EosDaPimptress: David...If you were running...from a guy with a chainsaw...and he'd already chopped off your arms and legs...would you use your penis as a pogo stick to get away?
VolanteCalamto: no, I wouldn't
VolanteCalamto: that is mostly impossible.
EosDaPimptress: what if he was trying to chop that off too? Wouldn't you at least try?
VolanteCalamto: no, I'd be mostly concentrating on how much I was bleeding out of my arm and leg stumps and screaming. that would take up a lot of my attention.
EosDaPimptress: Well...what if he...like tended to your wounds until you were better...THEN went after you with a chainsaw?
VolanteCalamto: I don't think I'd be able to trust him to tend my wounds after he intentionally caused them, and I guess that I would probably try to escape by using my penis as a pogo stick at some time or another. And if not... then I'd probably just keep screaming

A conversation held between my brother and I.

~~~~

Cast:

King Triton- Treize

Daughters of Triton- The doctors

Ariel- Duo

Prince Eric- Heero

Eric's servant guy- Wufei

Sebastian- Quatre

Flounder- Trowa

Ursula- 300 pound Relena

Ursula's henchfreaks- Dorothy, Lady Une

Bird dude- Hilde

The Little MerPilot

Chapter 1

The Doctors of Triton?

It was a lovely summer day off the port where Prince Heero had been randomly assigned to visit the fishing ship, The Lustful Monkey, along with his advisor Chang Wufei, and a butt ugly, overly-friendly dog that one of his servants bought for his last birthday...that servant had been sentenced to death immediately afterwards.

The sun was shining, the breeze was cool, and the seagulls were making seagull noises. Yes, it was certainly a very fine day indeed. Heero, however, was in no mood to appreciate any of this, as the day had also started out as a musical. God, how he hated musicals. He could only pray he wouldn't be expected to sing a number.

A random sailor sidled up to him. He looked like he was going to talk. He also looked like crap. With hair on stranger parts of his body and rolls and cellulite. God dammit.

"Isn't it great, Prince Heero! We are a fishing ship. Every day we set out to sea and cast our nets and we get some fishies. I like fishies. Fishies go `pook pook pook'."

"...Please go away before I am forced to cause you physical harm."

"Of course," Continued that poor, ugly son of a bitch, "Several species of various marine life are now extinct as they get caught in our nets and suffocate. Others are horribly mutilated and scarred...Oh well."

Heero began to twitch rather violently. Chang stepped up behind them, "Yuy? Shall I exterminate him?"

"Hai."

The sailor's horrible screams were drowned out by the music overhead. Then came the singing...

~~~~

Deep under the sea, the day had started out similarly. Mermaids and Mermen swam to the Palace, eager to witness the special concert that was to be performed there. They'd been made even more eager to see this event by the promise that if they failed to show up at the concert, they'd would be murdered in their beds. One by one they filed into the huge gold palace hall, with its suspiciously phallic towers (The architect was to be fired that day and he had done it as his own revenge on the company) . The castle was all glowified- a side effect of the chemical spill a few years back.

At the center of this arena lay a huge stage, also made out of gold. This stage had been payed for by the taxpayers precious moneys. Oh, how they loathed that stage.

A seahorse horsed his way to the middle of it, announcing proudly, "Presenting, his royal Highness- King Treize!"

Treize entered dramatically, riding on a chariot pulled by dolphins. Trumpets played. Don't ask me how that was possible- we'll just say they were radioactive trumpets. He offered the audience a polite bow, before making his way to a gold throne- the armrests had roses carved into them.

The audience- fearing for their lives- cheered wildly.

The seahorse cleared his throat, "And now, please put your hands together for the honorable Quatre Reberba Winner!"

A little yellow crab scuttled out- yes, I know, Quatre makes a horrible crab. But could you really picture Trowa as Sebastian?- beamed cheerfully at Treize, who faked mild interest and nodded back to him. Whipping out his...conductor's wand- no, that's not a metaphor for something else...or IS it?- Quatre tapped it on one of those metal thingies. You know, the ones where they put all the music notes on? And people like...tap their thingies on the thingy? Because they do? You know? Right? Uhm...LOOK! A distraction! *points wildly in a random direction and runs off*

Large shells raised up onto the stage. The Mermen *koff* perked up. Sexy women always popped out of shells! Woo! Boobies!

The shells opened, light and bubbles poured out of them (these were radioactive too)....And oh. Oh... Five old men appeared in various pieces of nauseatingly revealing lingerie. Why, God, why?! Oh sweet zombie Jesus on a pogo stick!

The elderly in the audience suffered fatal heart attacks. Merchildren cried. Adolescent merteens saw years of therapy ahead of them. There were screams of terror. Merpeople were violently sick in the aisles. Several Mermen blinded themselves with plastic sporks. Merwomen and babies were trampled by the fins of others as they flooded for the exits.

The doors were locked. Merguards herded them back to their seats with underwater cattle prods.

Quatre averted his eyes with a pained wince , and muttered, "I had nothing to do with this..." Then he quietly put away the conductor's wand.

Treize shrugged helplessly, a guilty expression on his face, "It sounded funny at the time..."

One of them, a man with a claw hand and goggles which covered his eyes, cleared his voice, "Ahem..."

Music came from the orchestra pit, the musicians blissfully unaware of the travesty above.

"Ah, we are the Doctors of Tre~eize!

Great father who loved us-"

All eyes turned to stare in horror at Treize.

"And named us well! Doctor J!"

"Ah halalala lala lalala lala lala lala!!"

"Doctor G!"

"Ah HAlalala lala lalala lala lala lala"

"Doctor H!"

"Ah haha haha!"

"Doctor O!"

"Ah HAha haha!"

"Doctor S!"

"Ah haha haha!"

"Uhm....Doctor J again!"

"La."

"And then there is the youngest in his musical debut! We tied him up and gaged him to deliver him to you! His aim is good and he sings...uhm...good too! He's our...Pilot, Duuoo- GASP!"

The last shell opened only to be empty. The audience breathed a sigh of relief.

King Treize nudged Quatre, whispering under his breath urgently, "Line?"

Quatre coughed subtly, then whispered back, "Duo, sir."

King Treize nodded gratefully, "ah, arigato."

"DUUUUOOOOOO!!!"

~~~~

"Why am I the fish again?" Muttered the dark flounder with the overly large dorsal fin which covered one of his green eyes.

"Quit bitching, Trowa. I'm just as pissed off about this whole mess as you are, and besides, I certainly couldn't be the fish. I don't think they could get away with a braid-fin." Duo retorted darkly, swimming up behind him. He had a bright violet tail end, and he seemed to be struggling to figure it out.

"Hn."

It was then that Duo noticed the seashell bra. He stopped swimming to glare at nothing, "Oh, ha-ha. That's a real knee-slapper there."

Trowa tried to hide the smile.

Duo shot him a look, struggling to figure out the bra clasps,"Don't you dare, Trowa. Don't you dare. If I hear so much as a snicker, I'll make you fish sticks."

Trowa decided to change the subject, "There's a sunken ship over there."

"Fuck yes! Free shit!" Duo grinned, taking off for said ship. Trowa followed at his own pace, reaching the ship as Duo began digging in a disintegrating trunk.

"Holy crap! What the fuck is this!?" Duo exclaimed, pulling out a large, cylindrical item.

Trowa choked.

"I bet Hilde will know. Oh, hey cool, it shakes!"

Duo's companion struggled not to laugh.

Both distracted by Duo's discovery, they didn't notice the shark until it was nearly too late.

Trowa, unarmed and opposible-thumbless, made a tactical retreat, leaving Duo to deal with the threat. Sticking his prize in a pouch and whipping out...a pistol (I see a run-on gag here.), Duo took aim. The shark didn't last long because the gun worked underwater (radiation- my excuse for everything) and Duo was Duo.

"Okay, let's go Trowa!"

"Where?"

"To see Hilde, of course! I just gotta know what this thing is!"

Trowa snickered.