Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Little MerPilot ❯ It's a Dinglehopper, of Course ( Chapter 2 )

Warning: Still yaoi. I'm still the author- horrors of all horrors. Who let me on the computer!? Put them to death!

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. I don't own The Little Mermaid either, if I did, it would be filled with so many innuendos that Disney would beg me to join their legion of evil- who, by the way, is bent on RULING THE WORLD! Yes, it may shock some of you, others may already be aware. But uhm...yeah. Disney...evil... *skitters away*

Author's Note: I've been having some real difficulties with Number 12. So, in order to distract myself from my rapidly deteriorating confidence with it by tossing up another chapter of TLMP. It's insanely easy for me to write, mostly because I'm a big dork with a gutter mind.

Advertisement: the song "Timothy" by the Buoys. I promise you it will earn either a chuckle, a shiver, or both.

Dedication: To Mr. Sanford, the most awesome teacher ever. Also, to the girl who threatened to shove a cactus down my pants. I don't believe I've ever dished out another chapter faster.

~~~~

Jamie: Lacy! We must go someplace!

Me: Yes!

Jamie: Someplace...filled with awesome.

Me: Yes...someplace...cool.

Jamie: *LeGASP!* We should go to Kroger!

Me: Omigod!! I'll be there in five minutes!

Told you I was a dork.

~~~~

Chapter 2

It's a Dinglehopper, of Course.

We find ourselves back above the water. Hilde, who was the poor victim chosen to play Scuttle, sulked in a pitifully made nest on a very small, one man island. Only her centerfold poster featuring Satin Needles' only guy member kept her from going mad. She was busy picturing him in the midst of an all-male gay orgy- (Yes!! She is one of us!)- which is why she didn't notice Duo until he was right beside her.

With a startled squawk, she tossed the poster into her nest and turned innocently to the merteen, a freshly polished halo hanging over her head (radiation).

"Hilde! OMFG!11!1! Look what we found!" Duo exclaimed excitedly, whipping out his... `discovery' and shoving it under the bird's beak.

Trowa cleared his throat, "Actually, it was Duo who found it. I was just there."

Hilde stared at the thing held out in Duo's innocent hand. Then disguised a wild burst of insane laughter as a series of pitifully fake coughs.

"Uh...you okay, Hil?"

"Er...yeeessss." Hilde purred, her halo burning away in a black flame to be replaced by devil horns that appeared a lot more used than the halo.

"Do you know what this is, Hil?" Duo asked. "It shakes!" He added helpfully.

Hilde and Trowa snickered.

*koff* "Why, as a matter of fact I do, Duo!"

"What..what is it?" Duo whispered, much like the child, eager to hear the next part of a new story. Or like one of us when watching a yaoi porn.

"It's a...a dinglehopper!" Hilde replied, nodding sagely.

"You are the most fucking awesome bird person I've ever met, Hilde." Duo said in pure awe.

Of course, we all know it wasn't really a dinglehopper- unless you have a passion for creepy nicknames- but Duo doesn't need to know that.

"Wait..." The merteen muttered, "What's a dinglehopper for?"

"Er." Said Hilde.

"Duo, didn't you have some sort of play to go to?" Trowa prodded, feeling particularly merciful that day.

"...crap."

"I suppose you better get going then, Duo. While you're gone, should you find yourself in the midst of a wild gay orgy, would you mind too awfully if I taped it?" Hilde asked hopefully.

"Uhm." Said Duo, "I think...I'm just...going to go over here now..." Then Duo swam away. He swam away very fast.

"Damn."

~~~~

Lady Une and Dorothy watched Duo's retreat, their eyes a window for their glorious leader.

"Yes. Hurry home, little Prince. We wouldn't want to miss- well, truth to tell, it was probably best you didn't see that..." The octopus woman shuddered, great rolls of fat trembling like the waves upon the shore. "Yeah, when I was in the Palace..."

And then we cut to the next scene, because no one wants to know what a 300 pound Relena did when she owned a Palace.

~~~~

Treize sat with a firm and grave expression on his face as he looked upon his braided...uh....mer...son....

"I just don't know what we're going to do with you, young merman."

"Treize, I'm sorry, I just forgot, and-"

"LINE!" King Treize interrupted with a mighty shout.

"As a result of your careless and reckless behavior." Quatre prompted.

"As a result of your careless and reckless behavior, the entire celebration was...was-uh....line!"

"Ruined." Duo finished.

"Exactly!" Treize snorted.

Duo looked to Trowa for help.

"There was a shark." Went Trowa.

"Trowa, that wasn't how the script went." Quatre reprimanded.

Trowa rolled his eyes, and replied blandly, "First this shark chased us, and we were like `woah' And we swam but then `bang.' And then there was this seagull, and we were all-"

"Seagull? You went to the service-"

"Surface." Trowa corrected.

Treize sighed and repeated himself with renewed vigor, "You went to the surface again! Didn't you!"

"Well, yeah. They're do tend to be seagulls on the surface."

"Don't you take that tone with me! You could have been seen by one of those- those barbarians! One of those humans!" Treize shot back viciously.

"They aren't barbarians- not counting the Spanish Inquisition and World War Two...And Abercrombie."

Everyone in the room shivered.

" Do you think I want to see my youngest son to be snared on a fish-eaters hook!?"

"I don't eat worms." Duo pointed out, quirking a brow.

"That's not the point! Line!"

"...you never read the script, did you?" Quatre asked suspiciously.

"You know, it would be very easy to turn you over to Red Lobster."

Trowa gave Quatre a sympathetic glance. He knew what it was like to be constantly threatened to be turned into a food product.

"Anyway," King Treize continued with a flippant wave of the hand, "No more going about on the surface."

"Shove it!" Duo shouted, then swam dramatically away.

"Huh...Think I was too hard on him?" Treize mused.

"I just can't understand why you didn't look at the script. I mean, just once! I hope you don't expect me to memorize your part too."

"Quatre?"

"Yes?"

"Go follow Duo."

~~~~

We now cut to Quatre, scuttling miserably along the ocean floor as he followed Duo and Trowa. Along the way, he sulked to himself, "Why am I the crab? Wufei should be the crab...even Trowa! I never switched sides in the war! So how come I ended up Treize's lackey?...And why are the Doctors his sons?"

So deeply was his inner conflict, he hardly noticed the fact that he'd nearly been crushed by a big-ass boulder that sometimes blocked Duo's Cave of teh Stuffs. He could feel the trauma setting in as he glanced about at his current surroundings.

Trowa just thought it was funny. But he never said anything about it.

Vaguely worried, he swam up beside Duo.

"Are you all right?"

"Trowa?"

"Yes?"

"How hard do you think it would be...to poison my father's next meal?"

"Isn't that a little extreme?"

Duo decided this would be the best time to launch into a musical number. When the urge sets in, it's impossible to deny it.

"Look at this stuff,

Isn't it neat?"

Trowa winced, "Can I just wait outside?"

"If you try it, I'll turn you into a tasty treat." Duo sang back cheerfully and continued.

"Wouldn't you think I'm the guy

The guy who has everything?"

He made a grand sweep of the contents of the cave. Well, he certainly had every pornographic item in all of creation.

"Look at this trove.

Treasures untold."

(And censored. Very, very censored.)

"How many pornos can one cavern hold?" Trowa muttered under his breath.

"I forgot the next liiiine-"

"Don't worry, that's just fine." Quatre twitched, still staring in horror at the items Duo had collected over the years.

"I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty." The braided boy gestured enthusiastically at several sets of fuzzy handcuffs and a cat-of-nine-tails.

"I got whozits and whatzits galore." Massage oils and lube.

"You want thingamabobs? I got twenty!" Duo beamed, offering several boxes of Trojans to Trowa, who took one and discreetly tucked it away. (I don't know exactly how this was accomplished, being that he was a fi- RADIATION! Radiation, of course!)

"But who cares?

No big deal!

I want mooore!"

"Sweet Allah, Duo! No! You're only just a child!!" Quatre cried, scuttling as fast as he could to the merteen, tripping over a deflated blow up doll.

Duo blinked owlishly as the little crab scurried to his side, "Quatre? What are you doing here?"

"What is all this doing here!?" Quatre shrilled, his normally calm composure completely gone.

Trowa began to fish quickly away.

"Trowa." Quatre said in a warning tone.

The flounder winced and ceased his efforts to escape.

Duo was worried. "Quatre, you can't tell Treize!"

"Damn straight, I can't! I'd be crab cakes so fast..."

"Oh...well, cool then." Duo sighed in relief.

"Yeah...I've got a headache. Come on, we'll go back home and have some radioactive tea." Quatre shook his head, trying to put these images behind him.

A dark silhouette passed overhead on the surface catching everyone's attention. Duo swam for it, intensely interested.

Quatre followed in a panic. Trowa followed because it was in the script.

Duo breeched the surface first. About them, fireworks went off in a brilliant display of color. The sudden bursts of light lit the figure of The Lustful Monkey, and Duo dove eagerly for it, just as Quatre and Trowa popped up above water. Quatre gave a little cry of dismay as Duo slipped away again. Trowa merely watched before Quatre turned to glare at him, "If I go down, I'm taking you with me." And so, the both of them followed after the curious Duo.

Prince Heero and Wufei were still stuck on the ship- poor guys- forced to endure the crew's cheerful, and often musical, celebration. Thus distracted, they did not notice Duo's head peek through a hole thingy in the ship.

"Oh God dear no!" He yelped, jerking back as a butt-ugly, overly friendly dog popped up and attempted to become intimate with the merteen's face.

There was a gun shot and the dog darted off with a yelp. Heero calmly put away his gun. And that's when Duo laid his violet eyes upon him.

"Mmmm, spandex."

"No, Duo. Just...Just no. Treize will kill me." Quatre said firmly.

Hilde- who had flown close around the ship with a video camera for the last two hours in hoping that Prince Heero and his advisor Wufei would get naked, hot, and horizontal- caught sight of Duo and fluttered by his side. "Sooo, ya like him, do you?"

"What's that thing in his pants?"

"...Oh look, I think a storm is brewing!" The yellow crab exclaimed, laughing nervously.

The captain of the ship cleared his throat loudly, "Silent, crew! Silent! We got er special serprise for our Prince. Yarr."

Heero and Wufei groaned in unison.

Something large and covered with a cloth was wheeled out into the open.

"Yarr. This be something we cooked up for yer seein's how it's yer birthday, an' all....Yarr."

Wufei and Heero exchanged glances, "It is?"

"YARR! Behold!" The captain cried, yanking the cloth off and stepping back.

It was a statue of their prince, made entirely of Sapphire. Heero promptly shot it in the face.

"Yarr...That's why we made er spare!"

"Fuck!"

That is why it was a good thing that the storm hit when it did. Because I think by now, Heero had been driven to th point of homicide or suicide.

Lightening struck one of the masts, lighting it on fire as it fell to the deck.

All was confusion. The ship began to sink. The crew launched the lifeboats. Heero tried to kill the dog while no one was looking. The fire reached the oil caskets. The ship exploded. Heero was thrown into the water.

Hilde was mortified. If Heero died, there went the potential chance to hook Duo up with him so that they could start a gay relationship in which they may eventually allow Hilde to tape it, in which she could sell it on the internet, in which she would make her fortune.

"Duo! What are you waiting for! Go save my moneys! I- I uh, mean- go save that guy!"

"Already on it, Hil!" Duo called, racing forward to help the unconscious man.

~~~~

"Oh shit!? Is he dead!?" Hilde yelped as Duo hauled the unmoving boy up onto the shore.

"I...don't think so...Hey, he has a dinglehopper in his pants!" A pause, then, "When you poke it, it moves!"

Quatre's eyes grew ridiculously large, "Duo!! Don't touch it!!"

Hilde taped the scene with glee.