Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Road to Kindness ❯ The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind Part 1 ( Chapter 6 )

The Road to Kindness

 

Chapter 6: The British Princess and the Blind Leading the Blind

 

Part 1

 

 

 

 

 

Duo's last surgery held no complications, but it left him feeling depressed and withdrawn. Heero and Name accepted the fact that he didn't want to talk to anyone and gave him some space, though they never ventured very far. Wufei tried to visit him to apologize for his behavior, but, though he had been given medicine to help with his withdrawal, it was still making him very irritable and he had snapped at Wufei. Wufei had been jealous that Duo never snapped at Heero a single time and finally gave up visiting him.

Shortly after Duo's last operation, he seemed much more comfortable and his doctor started to wean him off of the morphine. However, off the drugs, Duo became even more depressed and tried to withdraw completely, his body feeling more of the little aches and pains. One of the few joys of the hospital was the food. Duo had seldom ever had three meals a day, so while Heero and Name made faces at the food, Duo couldn't get over the fact that he would be fed every day. He told Name and Heero this, but it only made Name upset, so he tried to stop looking so happy about it. But, as Duo slowly started to return to himself on the third day, he stopped eating.

 

*****

 

“You have to eat something,” Heero insisted as he sat by Duo's bedside. His mother had gone home earlier as she had to work, but Heero refused to leave Duo. He still couldn't believe that his friend was in front of him, mostly whole and safe. When Duo was with his doctor, Heero took a shower. Through his mother, they had managed to secure Duo a private room and, going against several hospital regulations, Heero had brought in a second bed so he wouldn't leave him for sleeping. Heero knew it was silly, but he was terrified that if he left Duo for more than a couple of hours, he would die, all alone.

“I'm not hungry,” Duo grumbled. Heero sighed. The boy had been very touchy since getting off his painkillers and spent his time rocking between crying and snapping at people, but Heero was tolerant of the behavior. Heero didn't pity Duo for what he had gone through but he did understand that sort of trauma created emotions like this and confessing what had happened hadn't made it better. Heero was just glad that he had slept better last night. Heero had learned early on that Duo had bad nightmares without him around, but the doctor had finally allowed Duo to sleep on his good side and that had helped a lot, too.

“I know you feel ill,” Heero tried, “but you had major surgery a few days ago and you need to eat.”

“How can you stand to look at me?” Duo demanded. Heero stared at him.

“Duo… what are you talking about”

“After all that I've told you… why are you still here? Aren't you disgusted?”

“Duo, I'm amazed!”

Duo's eyes widened in shock.

“If the same thing had happened to me… I don't think I'd be able to keep going like you have.”

“Don't say that!” Duo cried, “I'm not strong, not like you!”

“Duo-,” Heero started to protest, alarmed.

“I don't want to think of you going through what I went through!”

“But that's just it! You did go through it! I care about you, Duo. Don't you think that it tears me up knowing what happened? But, you did survive! So, yes, I'm amazed. I'm not disgusted.”

“But, Wufei was right, I should have done more to fight it! I mean, I'm a guy, if I didn't fight it, I had to like it, right?”

“That is such bullshit!” Heero snapped, “Wufei's an ass. You did everything you could. The fact that you're a guy means nothing. Did you tell Wes `no'?”

“Y-yes, but sometimes… sometimes I did like it…,” Duo admitted shamefully, feeling like he was going to combust. He couldn't believe that he had just said that!

“Did you want to enjoy it?” Heero asked, furious. Duo shook his head.

“My body liked it,” he murmured, “but it made me feel sick.”

Heero nodded.

“You can't help what your body does, it would have reacted the same way no matter who was touching you, whether you wanted to scream or kiss them. You're not weak. You were violated by someone who had control over you. I know you feel dirty and bad right now, but it's normal for anyone that's been abused, sex doesn't even have to be involved, but because it was, it makes you feel worse.”

Duo stared at him.

“It's… normal?” he asked, perplexed. How could this possibly be considered normal? How could Heero ever want to be his friend again?

Heero rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

“I did a little research,” he admitted, “I want to help you and it seemed like the best way to do it.”

Duo's eyes widened.

“There's research on this?” he asked in disbelief. Heero smiled brightly.

“There's a lot, actually. I told you, it's normal to feel this way. It's not your fault, Duo, it's his. There's nothing you can say to me that will make me think badly of you,” Heero assured him. Duo looked away from him.

“Heero, there's nothing good left in me. There's nothing here worth your friendship. You may think that I'm not dirty, but I am. I've done disgusting things just because I was scared and too weak to do anything about it. I betrayed you. I hid so many things from you because I didn't want to admit the truth. I hurt you just so I could live in some stupid fantasy world for a little while! I'm not a good person!”

Heero held Duo's hand in his. It looked so tiny sandwiched between his bigger hands.

“Duo, you never told Wes he could have sex with you, he stole it from you, so as far as I'm concerned, it didn't count. You're not dirty, not in my eyes. You're not weak, you did the one thing anyone should have done; you survived. You didn't do anything disgusting and being scared doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. I am upset that you hid things from me, but only because I could have helped you. I'm glad that my friendship made you happy for that short while. I'm glad that my own obliviousness gave you a little bit of peace. I'm the one that should be sorry. I knew that there was something wrong and I didn't do anything about it.”

“Heero, no one did anything and it's not like I gave you a reason to think I was in danger.”

“That doesn't matter! You're my friend and I knew that there was something wrong, I should have tried to help you! You are a good person. You're wrong, there is so much good inside of you!”

“Name one thing!” Duo demanded. Heero smiled.

“You never betrayed me, not once, not even when you should have.”

Duo frowned.

“I don't understand.”

“Duo, I've met a lot of people and, for awhile, I tried to have friends other than Quatre and Trowa but each and every time, everyone at some point tried to use me, and your using me to be happy doesn't count because everyone does that to each other, but these people didn't want my friendship, they wanted my power, but you never did. Even when you were hungry, you never stole from me.”

“I did try once,” Duo said, looking into Heero's eyes, waiting for the anger to come, but this time, it didn't.

“But you didn't, why?”

Duo looked away.

“I just… couldn't.”

Heero squeezed his hand gently.

“Anyone else would have.”

“You were my friend, I couldn't bear to do it. Wes also told me to seduce you and I couldn't do that, either,” Duo admitted, his eyes downcast at the thought. Heero blushed darkly.

“Well, I'm glad that you decided not to.”

“Why?” Duo asked bitterly, hiding his face from Heero in case he could see the truth there, “Because it would have disgusted you?”

Heero's blush deepened.

“N-no… I…”

`Because it would have worked,' Heero thought to himself. He tried to imagine Duo coming on to him and his face flamed to the point of near combustion as he realized that the mere thought of it was making him hard. Fortunately, as Duo was lying down and couldn't sit up it was impossible for him to see it. But, there was a darker thought under the sexy one of Duo being interested in him; Duo being forced to seduce his best friend who, Heero still couldn't believe it was true, he cared for and trusted.

“I never want to see you degrade yourself like that, not for any reason,” Heero said. Duo blinked at him.

“Heero, I've done it hundreds of times…”

“But that doesn't make it right!” Heero pointed out, “It just makes it worse,” he smiled, “but you won't ever have to do it again, that's one thing I can do for you!”

Shock, relief, and pure, intense love hit Duo like a wall of bricks. He started to cry, unable to handle the strange wash of emotions. He tried to hide his tears, trying to curl up, but his wounds made it hurt too much.

“Duo!” Heero cried in alarm.

“I don't deserve you,” Duo said quietly as he tried to get his tears under control. Heero brushed Duo's bangs back.

“Duo, that's not true. You deserve so much… I just wish I could do more,” Heero said, wiping Duo's tears away, “I wish I could make all the bad stuff go away, make things hurt less somehow…”

“You're doing a pretty good job so far,” Duo murmured, flexing his fingers in Heero's grip. Heero felt himself start to blush again and wanted to look away, but he didn't dare.

“What if you were back on the morphine? You wouldn't feel any pain and you wouldn't have any bad dreams,” Heero suggested.

“Please, no more drugs,” Duo pleaded and Heero suddenly felt sick, wanting to strike himself for not realizing Duo's obvious feelings, “I didn't feel the pain, but all I did was float, it was too much like before…”

Heero nodded.

“Alright, no drugs,” he said, feeling like an even bigger ass as Duo relaxed. He hid his face in his hand. He felt so tired. Not as tired as Duo felt, he bet, after all, he wasn't the one combating illness and the affects of major surgery, but he still felt worn thin. It was the anxiety of looking after Duo and worrying about his health, coupled by the fact that every time he looked at the violet eyed boy, he remembered what had happened to him and a myriad of dark emotions of sadness, fury, regret, and bitter love swirled inside of him like a terrible current.

“Heero, why don't you go home?” Duo asked, noting Heero's posture and tense back, “I mean, it's not right that you're missing school because of me and I'm sure you and your mother want things to go back to normal, so just go home.”

Heero lifted his head to look at him.

“Alright, I'll go home if you can look me in the eye and truthfully tell me that you don't need me to be here.”

Duo bit his lip and looked guilty, knowing that the truth was plain on his face. It was true. He felt so guilty that he was disturbing Heero's life, but at the same time, he was terrified of the thought of Heero leaving.

“Besides,” Heero said with a smile, “you're not the only one who needs me to be here. I'm staying, the rest of the world will just have to deal with that because right now, you need me more than any of them do.”

With that, the two boys lapsed into a comfortable silence. Heero relaxed in his chair, tucking the sheets around Duo's shoulders as the bed-ridden boy snuggled into the pillows. As the minutes passed, Heero was sure that Duo had fallen asleep.

“You're really not mad at me anymore?” Duo suddenly asked.

“No,” Heero assured him, “I'm just so angry at the man that did this to you. He had no right to put his hands on you! No one deserves something so terrible, and you were just a child! It makes me feel sick inside. I want to hurt him, to show him how it feels to be at the mercy of someone who should be protecting you, not hurting you, I want to kill him! So, uh,” Heero said sheepishly, “if I seem angry sometimes, it's not your fault.”

Duo looked at Heero his eyes soft with affection.

“I'm not mad at him” he said. Heero stared at him in shock.

“I mean, I still hate the violence and sex and drugs, but I'm actually grateful. If it weren't for Wes, I'd still be living on the streets or maybe even dead. Because of him I was able to go to school. Because of him, I met you. So, it's kind of hard to be pissed when you're here with me.”

Heero ran a hand through his hair.

“Duo, that's really fucked up,” he said shakily. Duo laughed.

“I know it is, but I've met hundreds of perverts and very few friends,” Duo reasoned.

Despite Duo's initial point, Heero found himself smiling. He was one of Duo's friends. It made him feel special and he knew how precious that was. He eyed Duo's still uneaten dinner tray.

“Will you eat something?” he tried again. Duo looked exasperated by Heero being so stubborn, but looked away.

“It makes me feel sick,” he admitted, embarrassed by his own body's weakness. Heero frowned, not liking that fact one bit.

“Well, you haven't eaten anything decent in awhile, but you still need to eat. You're malnourished and your body needs food to heal.”

“I know that,” Duo grumbled “I'm just so tired of feeling sick all the time.”

Heero sighed.

“Please, Duo?”

The desperate, pleading tone those words had cut right through Duo's heart and he nodded.

“I'll try a little.”

Heero beamed and picked up the soup. It was cold from sitting there for hours, but Heero knew that Duo didn't care. He hated that. Duo should want the best, but he was so used to getting nothing at all that he had no standards. It was strange to someone like Heero who was used to the best. However, the soup was bland, perfect for Duo if he was nauseated by food. The longhaired boy still couldn't use his hands very well, so Heero always ended up feeding him, much to Duo's embarrassment, but Heero didn't mind. Duo's stomach turned at the mere thought of food, but he let Heero feed him to keep him happy.

“Do you know what happened to my glasses?” Duo asked once he had had enough of the soup to satisfy Heero. Heero paused, thinking hard. The night that he had brought Duo to the hospital was still a blur to him, he couldn't even remember if Duo had had his glasses on when he had found him in his house. Truthfully, he didn't miss the glasses one bit. He was used to seeing Duo's naked, handsome face now. His glasses had made him look cute, but he looked even cuter without them. Heero reasoned that if he couldn't remember if Duo had arrived at the hospital with the glasses, Duo probably wouldn't remember, either.

“I'll ask your doctor,” he tried to assure him. Duo nodded, but frowned. The thought of losing his glasses was unsettling. He had no health assurance, no money, and now he had no way of making any. The thought of continuing his life of prostitution made his skin crawl. He felt sick, weak, and pitiful, but the thought that he wouldn't ever have to spread his legs for money or shelter or safety again made him feel damn giddy, even if it was unlikely. The one thing that he couldn't stomach to think of right now was the future. Once he was all better, he would have nowhere to go. Hell, he couldn't even pay for his hospital bills! Prostitution was all he knew, but Heero had destroyed him. It was because of him that he had lost the ability to cope with it anymore, though, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't muster up any anger at that. Getting new glasses seemed tiny in the ocean of worries he had. He couldn't go back to the streets, Wes would find him in a heartbeat! Now that he had finally made the decision to sever all ties to the man, both the threat of being found by him and going back to selling himself felt terrible.

 

*****

 

Heero left Duo's room in search for Dr. Stark. He didn't like leaving him alone, even for a few minutes, the memory of Duo running away in the storm still fresh in his mind, but Heero also wanted to make him as comfortable as possible and he thought that getting Duo some glasses seemed like a step in the right direction. He eventually found the doctor in the employee lunch room, making himself a cup of coffee.

“Heero, you shouldn't be in here,” Stark said in annoyance as Heero entered.

“I know, I'm sorry,” Heero apologized, “but I was wondering if you remember if Duo was wearing glasses when I brought him in.”

Stark's brow furrowed in concentration.

“I don't believe so.”

“Are you sure?” Heero insisted.

“Yes, I'm positive. Does he have bad eye problems?” Stark asked.

Heero ran a hand through his messy hair.

“Yeah. He needs his glasses, but he doesn't have a prescription,” he explained. The doctor raised an eyebrow at that.

“Well, we do have an optometrist on staff, but he mostly helps with eye surgeries and those who have lost their sight and need help adjusting, but I'm sure he'll be willing to have a look at Mr. Maxwell.”

Heero immediately brightened.

“Where is he?” he asked eagerly. Stark looked at his watch.

“He should be coming off his break soon, but you might be able to catch him in the cafeteria. His name's Doctor James-,”

“Thanks, Doctor!” Heero yelled and ran out of the room.

“Hey!” Stark yelled, “No running!” He sighed as he heard Heero continue running, his footfalls heavy in the quiet hospital, “Damn kids,” he muttered to himself.

 

*****

 

Duo opened his eyes in complete darkness and panicked. He hadn't intended on falling asleep, but it had to be night if the lights were off, or maybe Heero had decided to take a nap, too, only Duo knew that wasn't true. It wasn't the darkness that made him panic, though the dark did make him feel edgy now after what Wes had done in that dark room. Usually he could see the light of the heart monitor, but he was on his side facing away from it and was still too weak to turn over without some help. He had known the very second he had opened his eyes that he was alone and that was much scarier than the dark. He hated this hospital. He had never felt this weak before and the knowledge that he was now alone and that everyone who walked the halls was heavily equipped with needles and sharp things made him want to run, if he could only muster the strength to stand. He stayed still, listening for the wonderful sound of Heero's familiar breathing, something that he had become strongly attuned to in the last few days, but he was met with only silence. His heart raced as he realized he couldn't even hear the heart monitor, only a light dripping sound. He tried to reach out for Heero's chair, but something was pinning his body down and he couldn't move an inch. His violet eyes widened in the darkness.

Heero! he tried to yell, but no sound escaped him, there was only that annoying, steady dripping.

Suddenly, the door opened and someone walked into the room, but Duo didn't need any light to know who it was. He knew his footsteps, his scent, his breathing… he had been so intoned to the man's mere presence since his childhood that he could sense him even if he was blind and deaf. The lights were flicked on and Duo's scream was caught in his throat. He had been wrong; Heero hadn't left him alone…

He was sitting in the chair by his bedside, as always, his deep blue eyes permanently staring at him, his head tilted to the side, his neck slashed so deeply he could see the bone, his green shirt soaked in blood so dark it was almost black and it made a soft dripping sound as it ran down his slack hand.

 

*****

 

“Duo!”

 

It was the sound of Heero's voice that woke him. His eyes shot open, but even in the bright light of the room, it was like he was still blind. He latched onto the familiar sound of his best friend's voice. Dead people couldn't talk, dead people couldn't plead the living to wake up or ask why they were shaking, why they were crying. For the first few seconds of waking, all Duo knew was Heero's voice, he didn't need any other information. Joy and adrenaline coursed through him and he twisted in bed, managing to sit up and wrap his arms around Heero tightly. The IVs in his arms tugged at his skin unpleasantly, but he barely felt them as he came into contact with Heero's warm and very real body.

Heero watched in alarm as Duo lurched forward and clutched at him desperately, still crying, and one of his IV lines caught, wrapped around his arm, pulling at his skin. Realizing that Duo's weak grip on him was the only thing keeping him from crashing to the floor, Heero gently wrapped an arm around Duo's back, being careful of the bandaged parts of his body.

“Duo, don't do that!” Heero yelled, but Duo didn't seem to hear him, tangling his thin fingers in Heero's shirt.

“Not… dead?” Duo's words were muffled as he attempted to bury his face in his friend's chest, but Heero heard him and was becoming more alarmed by the minute. He stroked Duo's hair and cheek, noting how cold and shaky he was.

“Duo, I'm fine, I'm alive, see?” he untangled Duo's hand from his top, slipped it under his shirt, and pressed it against his breast.

“Not dead,” Heero said softly.

“Not dead,” Duo echoed, the warmth of Heero's skin and the feeling of his heartbeat under his fingertips helped to bring him out of his lingering nightmare and into reality. The two boys blushed as their position suddenly dawned on them. Heero tried to deny how good it felt to have Duo's thin hand on his bare skin, but it was useless. Duo hesitantly withdrew his hand, blinking in the bright light.

“I had a bad dream,” he realized. Heero nodded.

“Are you ok?” he asked, looking at Duo's eyes, bloodshot from crying.

“I-I think so… it just seemed so real…”

Heero carefully helped Duo back onto his side on the bed and tucked him back in. He nervously checked the IV lines untangling them and found that no blood had leaked into them, but he was still worried. After everything that Duo had been through, he wasn't sure how much more he could take. Duo looked down at his hand. It was still warm with Heero's body heat and his skin seemed to tingle. He couldn't get rid of his blush. As shell shocked and relieved he was in the aftermath of his nightmare, he couldn't get it out of his head, he had touched Heero's chest, not only touched it, but Heero had been the one to initiate it. If things had been different, he might have reached out and tried to touch him again, but he didn't dare. The world was too fragile. He felt that if he took any chance, he would fall off or things would shatter. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe in fear that he would end up destroying everything when he had finally been given a second chance. Then there was the dream. He knew that once it faded, he would look back and see his reactions as silly, but right now it seemed so wondrous that Heero was alive. He had no idea what was going to happen now. His future had always seemed a sure thing when he was with Wes, he knew that he would always be a whore, always be under Wes' thumb, but now things were different and he didn't know where he stood, but, beyond that, he didn't know where Wes stood. Would he leave him alone for good, fearful that the Yuy's might come after him? Would he try to find him once he was out of the hospital and Heero wasn't around to protect him? Or, worse of all, would he not care about the Yuys' power and do what he had done in his dream, bring him back to that terrible place, that place of pain and sex, darkness and quiet, where there was no time and no sense of the real world, killing Heero in order to do it? Did Wes `love' him so much that he would continue to come after him until one or both of them were dead? Duo shivered amongst the blankets, Heero's dead eyes from his dream lingering in his thoughts.

“I shouldn't have left you alone,” Heero apologized, not realizing Duo's dark thoughts or seeing his shiver, “I wasn't thinking.”

Duo gave Heero an exasperated look, but it was quickly ruined by the affectionate smile on his face.

“You can't always be here, Heero,” he pointed out, “I have to stand on my feet at some point and you have to go back home and to school.”

“I can try,” Heero protested, “besides, right now, you need help and I shouldn't have left you, expecting things to be fine!”

“But they are fine!” Duo insisted, “I have bad, vivid nightmares all the time.”

“But you shouldn't be having them!”

Duo snorted.

“I `shouldn't' a lot of things.”

Heero sighed.

“Anyways, I couldn't find your glasses and no one remembers you having them. I'm afraid we won't get them back.”

Duo's expression fell. So, he would have to deal with his poor, blurry vision the rest of his life? He supposed that he could find another pair like he had the first, but that had been merely a lucky chance of finding a pair of glasses that worked for him and were intact. Well, it could be worse, he thought, he could be blind.

“Well, you tried,” Duo said dejectedly, but Heero grinned, unabashed.

“But this hospital has an optometrist. He's waiting outside. He doesn't usually do it like this, but he said that he'd check out your eyes.”

Duo stared at his friend in shock. At the same time it made him happy that Heero had gone through the trouble, he was also annoyed that Heero seemed oblivious to his financial situation and had wasted the doctor's time.

“Heero, I have no way of paying for this! Glasses are expensive and I have no insurance! Even if I did have the money, I wouldn't spend it on that!”

Heero frowned.

“Duo, you don't honestly think that we're going to hold you responsible for paying for your hospital bills, do you?”

“Of course I do!” Duo snapped, “And at this rate, I'll never get it paid off, so I can't afford to fix my vision, let alone have someone give me a check up!”

“Duo, my mom is paying for all this, we would never make you pay a cent! I thought you knew that,” Heero said, sounding slightly wounded. Duo stared at him in shock.

“But… why would she do that?” he asked, confused. Heero's expression looked tired as though he had never thought he would have to have this conversation.

“We care about you, Duo. We want to see you healthy and happy. We are both aware that you can't pay for anything right now, but even if you could, we'd still be doing it. Wes took so much from you, we just want to help you get back on your feet. It's just money and for us, it's not even that much, so let us do this for you, ok? It would make Mom really happy,” Heero said, knowing that the second he brought up his mother's happiness, Duo would fold. He knew that it was probably a low blow, but he really didn't want Duo to feel guilty about it.

“Alright,” Duo said hesitantly, his annoyance at being pitied subdued. He wanted to fight it, but he knew that there was no way he could pay off his bills, even if he had years. Besides, he didn't want to fight with Name after all she had done for him. If supporting him financially made her feel good, he had no right to tell her not to. He supposed that he could avoid the whole issue by just disappearing as soon as he was better, but he really didn't want to. He felt sick just thinking about it. He was so torn and he had no idea what he was going to do. He had no home, but now that he was finally with Heero again, he didn't want to leave. It was strange, he had known the future for so long, though it had been bleak, but now that he was finally somewhere good and safe he felt so lost.

“Will you let Dr. James look at your eyes?” Heero asked in a pleading tone. Duo nodded. He hated the thought of leeching off of his friend's mother, but Heero got upset every time he tried to fight against it and he really did want to fix his vision.

“Ok, I'll do it.”

Heero looked relieved and left Duo's side to open the door. As he led the optometrist into the room, he apologized for making him wait, but the doctor brushed him off.

Dr. James was not an impressive man. He was only a few inches taller than Duo with warm brown eyes and mousy brown hair and a thin, neatly kept beard. He smiled disarmingly at Duo as he approached the bed.

“Hello, Mr. Maxwell, how are we feeling today?” the doctor asked warmly. Duo immediately felt no threat from him and relaxed. The doctor reminded him of Quatre a little, non-threatening and honest.

“A little tired and nauseous, but I'm getting better,” he admitted. James took a seat by Duo's bed.

“Mr. Yuy has informed me that you can't get out of bed or sit up, is this correct?”

Duo nodded.

“It hurts too much if I try.”

“Ok, well, I can't give you a complete exam without my machines, but I can give you a preliminary exam here. Can you tell me what your vision is like without glasses or contacts?”

“I can see things close to me ok, but anything more than a couple of feet away gets really blurry and things turn into these distorted shapes and colors,” Duo explained. James frowned.

“Alright, could you take your contacts out?” he asked. Duo looked confused.

“I don't wear contacts.”

James' eyes widened.

“Then, your eyes are naturally violet?” he asked. Duo nodded.

“Interesting,” the doctor murmured, “and how long have you been having vision problems?”

“Since I was a kid,” Duo said, “it's been a few years.”

“Ok. I'm going to put pressure on your skull to see if there might be some neurological damage, though it could be that you're just near sighted.”

“Ok,” Duo said, giving a small flinch as the man moved his fingers over his head, pressing them into his hair. It didn't hurt, he just didn't like strange men getting close to him or touching him. When he had been living on the streets, he had had a natural distrust of everyone, but when Wes had gotten a hold of him, he quickly learned to be afraid of men. He thought that after all the years of being touched by men, he wouldn't be so timid around them anymore, but that distrust remained. After those long weeks in that dark room, Duo had learned that intimacy was something to be scared of, even if it was just a light touch. Hugging Heero was about the only thing he could stand without wanting to either lash out or stand still. He remembered the dark and the cold, not hearing or seeing or feeling except for the pain and the humiliation. He hated being touched at all now at the same time he felt so horribly lonely and panicked when he was alone. He hated nights at this hospital, stuck in bed in the darkness. Heero was the only thing keeping him from going insane in those times; he was the only thing that was different from reality and his memories. He forced himself to stay still, though, as James examined him. This wasn't something that he had thought would happen. He was grateful and excited to have at least one stressor gone. He didn't have to worry about paying for his hospital bills, at least. It amazed Duo how easily he could argue with Heero. It wasn't just about the bills, either. He had fought with him from the moment they had met. He had such a hard time standing up for himself. Wes' lesson of pain and obedience was so deeply engrained in his psyche that he couldn't even speak out in class if he thought someone or something was wrong. He wondered if his ability to stand up against Heero was due to how comfortable and relaxed he felt around him. It was hard to understand sometimes. Heero had hurt him and he felt so vulnerable around him, but he also trusted him and felt safe when he was with him.

Duo cried out as James pressed against a spot on the back of his head that sent white-hot agony shooting through his brain.

“What the hell did you do?!” Heero snarled, ready to protect his friend.

“In relation to any other pain you've felt, on a scale from one to ten, how much did that hurt?” James asked, ignoring Heero and completely focused on his patient.

“S-seven,” Duo stammered, shaking slightly as the after math of the pain made him feel sick. In the past he would have labeled it as an eight before being raped and beaten by Wes and Chris after sleeping over Heero's, his first rape, being fucked by a stun baton, and when Wes had slammed his head into the floor, but after surviving a ruptured spleen and being repeatedly injected with KL6, he dropped it to a seven. James withdrew his fingers and Duo relaxed.

“Have you ever experienced any head trauma?” James asked.

“When I was a kid, I hit my head,” Duo explained.

Heero paled. He had heard this story before, but after hearing about Duo's past, he was able to see past the lie to the truth. Duo had hidden the injury and Heero had believed him. How many other things were lies? How many times had he let his friend down by refusing to see the obvious?

“Duo,” he scolded. Duo blushed. He had been hiding the truth for so long that the lie had come automatically. It was going to be hard remembering that he didn't have to lie anymore.

“I tried to run away from home,” Duo started over, “but my father caught me. He slammed my head into the floor a couple of times. After that, my vision started to go.”

Heero gritted his teeth and had to look away to hide his furious expression and James paled.

“I see, I'm sorry,” he murmured solemnly, “in any case, I think I have a good idea what's wrong, but I want to make completely sure before I take any action. I'm going to schedule a CAT scan for you a few days from now. By then, you should be mobile enough, but until then, I'm going to write a prescription for some glasses. They won't completely fix the problem, but they should help with the near-sighted-ness,” he looked at Heero, “there's a store a few blocks from here. I'm sure Mr. Yuy will be happy to pick up a pair for you.”

Heero nodded.

“Of course I will.”

Duo blinked at them. Was it really that simple?

“Is there anything else I can do for you?” Dr. James asked Duo. Duo shook his head.

“No, but thank you. I'm really grateful…

“We both are,” Heero corrected, shaking the optometrist's hand.

“I'm glad to help. I'll tell Dr. Stark to inform you of your appointment with me. We'll meet again, but until then, I hope you get well!” the doctor said and left the two with an optimistic smile.

 

*****

 

The stabbing pain in Duo's head and behind his eyes vanished but with the withdrawal crawling through his veins, stressful physical therapy to help with the surgeries, broken ribs, his damaged back, and general frustration with his lack of progress, he was exhausted and quickly fell asleep. Usually, Heero would get to read to him or just talk to help Duo pass the time through the pain, but he was glad for times like these, too, when he got to watch him sleep. His face relaxed in sleep, the guarded, ancient look vanishing to be replaced with one of childish vulnerability. He was pretty, it hurt Heero to look at him, but it was not his attractiveness that made things hurt the most, it was the difference between the looks, the realization that both people resided inside of Duo, both the tired man and the victimized child, it was the memory that he had struck that sweet face only one month ago. Just the thought of hitting him now made him feel sick.

`This is where I hit him,' he thought as he stroked Duo's cheek.

 

 

“Please, you're my best friend.”

 

“Don't touch me, don't you dare put your disgusting hands on me.”

 

Heero looked down at Duo's hands as they curled in the blankets. They were horribly thin and white, the knuckles standing out against the skin. They were terrible, but they were also beautiful, soft and pretty. How could he have ever thought that Duo's hands were disgusting? His stomach churned at the memory. He was no better than Wes, hitting Duo out of anger, anger he hadn't even deserved! He deserved better, better than a so-called friend that would strike him and call it `justified'. But, he didn't want to let go of him, even if Duo deserved someone else. He wouldn't hit him again, he couldn't bear it. He kissed Duo's cheek.

 

“I love you,” he murmured to the silent room.

 

*****

 

 

To strengthen his back and abdomen muscles, Duo had to undergo intense physical therapy twice a day. It left him exhausted and depressed, but it paid off. The day after they had met Dr. James, Duo's wounds were healed and his back muscles had strengthened enough that Dr. Stark thought he was ready to at least sit up. Heero couldn't help but feel proud as he helped get Duo settled once more. Stark had told them that Duo would probably be able to start walking around in a few days, if he kept up with his therapy and the wounds in his back and side healed properly.

Duo gasped as he managed to sit up with Heero's help. Dr. Stark had been worried that the position would tax his damaged back muscles and pull on his surgical wounds in his side and his anus, but now that he had healed enough, he was able to do it, but it still hurt like hell. After so long on his back, both in the apartment and in the hospital, even a small movement like trying to sit up seemed like a huge task to him. His muscles strained and he felt dizzy with the change of position. Everything felt tight and bunched up, but it wasn't the agony it would have been a few days ago. He wondered why it hurt so much now when before he had been walking about under his own power. It was frustrating. For as long as he could remember, he had had the strength to keep going, even when he had been raped. Where was that strength now? He felt like someone had pulled him inside out, scraped him raw, and put him back together completely hollow. He couldn't see how Heero could stand him now, so weak that he needed help just with basic functions. He should have felt triumphant about being able to sit up, but it only showed him just how pathetic he was. In the past, it had only taken him hours, days at the very most, to be moving around, but now it seemed like it was taking forever. Beyond that, he felt miserable. His headache had started to build since last night and it was slowly building to an almost intolerable level. He didn't know if it was the pain in his head or his twisting stomach, but he had no appetite, which had frustrated Heero, but after a few hours of arguing, his friend finally conceded that it was probably a bad idea to try to force him to eat if he felt sick. He felt cold, right down to the bones, especially along his spine. When he had first woken up feeling that way, he was sure that the heat was broken, but Heero had never complained. He glimpsed over at Heero, who was watching him intently, and turned away, blushing. He looked so warm and cozy… he just wanted to lift up his sexy black t-shirt and snuggle under it against his soft, yet hard chest. His fingertips could still remember what that skin had felt like… he blinked and felt his face flame further. His thoughts had been so odd lately. He scratched at his arm. His muscles felt oddly itchy and it was hurting his back sitting up like this, but he bore it. All he could focus on was each step towards being able to walk out of here.

Heero watched as Duo struggled to maintain his sitting position. He couldn't believe how quickly he was healing. He kept remembering that night that he had picked Duo up and how sick he had been. Then, he had been so weak and in so much pain after his surgeries, the drugs the only thing keeping him from crying. But now, he was starting to sit up on his own. He couldn't help but be proud of him.

Duo blinked in confusion as strong arms wrapped around him and he was pressed to an equally strong chest.

“Heero?”

Heero tightened his grip on his friend, loving how his slender form felt in his embrace and trying to ignore how good his skin felt against his.

“I've wanted to do this since I found you,” Heero murmured against Duo's hair. Duo felt like he was going to combust, Heero's heat washing over his chilled skin and his scent overwhelmed him. His heart pounded in his chest and he felt his arms want to shake, but he ignored the feeling and wrapped his arms around Heero in return, reveling in his warmth.

“I'm so proud of you,” the blue eyed boy whispered. Duo's eyes widened and he pushed away from him, sagging against the pillows and staring up at him in shock.

“How can you say that?” he hissed, “I can't even stand up and you're proud of me?!”

Heero's blue eyes hardened.

“Yes, I'm very proud of you.”

Duo shook his head.

“I can't believe you,” he murmured, “after all of this time, how can you say that? You've seen me at my lowest, you've seen me when I've been drugged out of my mind and being fucked and… you can't be proud of me!”

Heero glared at him.

“I've seen you fighting the affects of powerful drugs. I've seen you pull through while bleeding and barely breathing. I've seen you take the most abuse and beatings I've ever seen a person take and end up standing at the end! If that's not something to be proud of, I don't know what is!”

Duo glared right back, fighting down a stray shiver.

“Look at me! Everything's going so slowly and I can't figure out why! Something's wrong with me and I can't figure out what it is! All my life, no matter how much pain I've been in, I've always been able to pull together and heal, but now, I'm so pathetically weak, it's like my body has stopped! I can't heal anymore, I just… can't!” Duo squeezed his eyes shut. It was true. His body didn't have anything left in it to heal. He was going to end up stuck in this bed forever. The fear of that happening, with Heero becoming sick of him and leaving him all alone in this terrible place, made him want to vomit even more. Truthfully, he knew that in the end, he had nowhere to go and he was just going to end up on the street again, away from Heero in his big, white house, but the thought of Heero leaving him was so much more terrifying than the thought of him leaving Heero. He was so sick of feeling so powerless! He slammed his fists against his legs over and over, the feeling of violence something of a comfort. Pain flared up his legs, but he didn't care, he just wanted to hurt himself. His eyes shot open again as Heero grabbed his wrists and one hand and caressed his cheek with the other. Duo felt himself blush again as he realized Heero's strength, but still felt no fear of him.

“Duo Maxwell, you are the strongest person I have ever met. You've been through major surgery, of course it's going to take awhile for you to get better! You need to cut your body a little slack!”

Duo looked away from him.

“But, I've always been able to keep going, even when I didn't want to, even when I thought I was going to die. But now, it's so hard, it's taking too long, I don't have anything left to give…”

Heero sighed.

“But Duo, you never really let yourself heal in the first place. Just being able to keep going, isn't healing. But now, you can finally stop and rest. For the first time in years, you're safe and your body knows that. Just let it heal.”

Duo stared at him.

“I don't know how,” he admitted, “Just surviving is all I know.”

Heero lifted the sheets and tucked them around Duo's shivering body.

“Just rest, I'll take care of the rest.”

 

*****

 

Heero honestly didn't know what to do about Duo. It was so frustrating, one minute he seemed so rested and relaxed and the next he was trying to hurt himself. He didn't know how to deal with his friend's fears and concerns, he felt like all he could do was prove to him that he would never abandon him. It scared him sometimes, knowing that he was the only one Duo could rely on. He felt so small and useless in the face of Duo's problems. He wasn't a psychologist and he knew that he was treading in dangerous territory, but he couldn't back down or just try to wait for Duo to pull himself up. Wufei had already bailed and Duo seemed to lack the patience to even attempt to deal with him anymore. Quatre and Trowa visited once in awhile. When they could spare the time and Name was also a frequent visitor, for which Heero could tell Duo was very, very grateful, but he could also tell that Duo needed someone he trusted around all the time. Duo tried to act tough and independent about it, but Heero could see that it was just an act. Whenever he left the room, Duo was suddenly terrified and even Heero knew that level of stress wasn't good for him at this stage. He remembered what Duo had told them about Wes putting him in that dark room for weeks, drugged, vulnerable, and alone, in total silence. He had no idea what sort of effects that level of sensory derivation would have on a person, but Heero knew that the worst of Duo's panic attacks were triggered by a feeling of abandonment and the darkness. Duo had told him that he had to stand on his own two feet at some point, but right now, Heero knew that Duo needed, very badly, to lean on something. He was just glad that he could be that something. Despite Duo's insistence that he was being pathetic and weak, in the face of what Duo had told them about his past, all Heero could see was strength.

Heero watched as Duo slept. His nose was scrunched up in a way that reminded him of a puppy, a sure sign that he was in some sort of pain. From his subdued, almost lethargic or listless behavior that day, Heero thought that it was probably a headache. He had one once a day and knew that they were getting worse instead of better, but he didn't know what that meant. The blankets were wrapped tightly around Duo's slumbering body, but he was still shivering. Heero didn't know what else to do to make him warmer and the room wasn't all that cold, Heero was just glad that Duo was asleep now and hoped that he was some place away from the pain and the cold. When he was sure that his friend wasn't going to stir anytime soon, he walked the three feet to his own bed and slid in. His mother was coming in the afternoon and he made sure that he got a good night sleep. He knew just how upset she would be if she thought that he wasn't taking care of himself. It was strange spending so much time away from her. He missed her and he knew that she missed him since she told him that at every opportunity, though she also told him that she understood and was proud that he was so dedicated to his friend. He thought that his feelings were pretty ridiculous, though, since Name wanted him to go to college when he graduated from high school, if he graduated at this point. It was odd, he had always had plans to do whatever he could to avoid college, but now he didn't know. He wanted to say that being friends to Duo had nothing to do with his sudden urge to try to go to school, but that was a lie. After meeting Duo, he had realized just how lucky he was. He had always known that, but it had just been a given fact for him. Now, after finding out what Duo's life was really like, he realized that all those things he had considered inevitable were really gifts and he had no right to think of anything in his life as a mechanism of his own doing. He used to think that he was independent, but now it was clear to him that it was not himself but his mother that was solely responsible for every good thing that had ever happened to him. He hated that fact about himself. Most of Duo's life had been lead by Wes, but he was still more independent than Heero had ever been. He wanted to be that way, but he couldn't just change for the sake of it anymore. He had fought against his mother and his teachers because it had made him feel better than them, as though he had some power or authority over them, but he was starting to realize that those events were nothing more than the tantrums of a child. Unless there was something he wanted and was willing to fight for, what was the point of fighting at all? He had no idea what he would want to do there if he did go to college, but he wanted to try. More than that, he wanted Duo to have the same opportunities that he had, in everything. Duo had the attitude that he wouldn't even be able to graduate high school and Heero realized with a great deal of sadness that Duo going to college had been an impossibility, even at a cheap school and tons of scholarship money. That fact made his heart ache. It made him hate himself and everything he had. He wanted to give Duo everything in the world, but right now, all he could do was try to help him heal. With self hate and worry burning inside of him, Heero managed to fall asleep, but it was fitful and he awoke several times during the night, each time taking hours to fall back to sleep.

 

*****

 

“Heero!”

Heero shot awake at the sound of Duo's sobbing, pain filled voice crying for him. Heero was wide awake and at his friend's side in seconds.

“What's wrong?!” Heero demanded. Duo looked terrible. His face was slightly flushed, his hair messy, his eyes dulled in pain, and there were dark circles under his eyes. Heero realized that, though he had thought that Duo had slept peacefully, he had gotten very little rest.

Duo flinched at the heavy sound of Heero's voice and his head throbbed in intense pain.

“It hurts,” he moaned in pain, “it hurts so much!” Duo's body was limp as he spoke, the stillness of his form only broken by harsh shivers.

“What hurts?” Heero asked, keeping his voice low as he realized that Duo's flinch was because of him.

“My head,” Duo's voice was soft and almost nonexistent, “it's splitting. Something's burrowing inside. Oh, fuck… it's so hot…” Duo squeezed his eyes shut, “it's tearing apart,” he whimpered and opened his eyes again. They were filled with unshed tears as he looked at Heero.

“Make it stop, Heero, please, it hurts so much!” he shivered again.

“I can hear singing,” he murmured wearily,” can you hear it?”

 

 

It was a woman's voice, Duo realized, light and melodic, with an accent reminiscent of someone from New York, though it was so light, he couldn't be positive. It sounded so familiar, but he couldn't place it. He could hear it so clearly, but it didn't hurt him like the sharp sounds of the heart monitor. It was a lullaby, he realized, it was so soothing…

 

“I'm going to get the doctor,” Heero said in a panic, getting up from Duo's bedside chair. This was bad. He knew that Duo's head aches were getting bad, but he was actually crying in pain and hallucinations weren't a good sign in any situation.

“No!” Duo screamed, making a feeble grab for Heero's shirt, trying to keep him from leaving, but his grip was too weak and all he could do was cling.

“Duo…” Heero murmured, worried at the longhaired boy's intense distress.

“Don't leave me, please, Heero. I'm so scared, don't leave me all alone…” Duo's hand slipped from Heero's shirt and dangled limply over the edge of the bed as a strong shiver went through him. Heero hesitated, torn in two. Duo had asked him to make the pain stop, but now he was asking him to stay. He had no idea what to do! In the end, the absolute terror in Duo's eyes won out and he sat back down.

“I'm not going to leave you alone, Duo, I'll never leave you alone, I promise. Don't be scared, ok? I'm going to stay right here!” Heero said with a tone of desperation and tucked Duo's arm back under the covers. Fuck, but he looked so weak, he was in so much pain and he couldn't help him!

“Promise me,” Duo pleaded, his eyes growing heavy and they became half lidded, losing the power to stay open.

“I promise, I'll never abandon you,” Heero said vehemently. The tension started to leave Duo's muscles and he relaxed into his pillow, damp with his tears and sweat. Heero watched with baited breath as Duo, exhausted with pain and exertion, fell asleep. He sighed and dropped his face into his hands. Duo was sick, really, really sick, and there was nothing he could do about it.

`Mom, I wish you were here.'

 

*****

 

Heero refused to fall back asleep. On the one hand, he was tired and yearned for the alluring comfort of sleep, but on the other, he felt more awake than he had been in his entire life, with the obvious exception of that first night he had brought Duo to the hospital. His worry for his best friend was making adrenaline surge through his veins. He wanted to run out of the room, grab Dr. Stark, and demand that he heal Duo, but he didn't dare leave him. He had promised, after all. Besides, the fear of Duo dying solely because he had dared to leave him alone was back.

 

*****

 

Unfortunately, Duo didn't sleep for long. A half an hour later, Duo blinked awake. The pain in his head was surging, the immensity of it making his stomach churn and bile rise in his throat. The flush on his face had been replaced by a paper-white paleness.

“Heero…” he croaked, his throat feeling dry and swollen to him.

“Do you need some water?” Heero asked in concern, still keeping his voice soft and light.

“No,” Duo said lightly and he looked away in embarrassment.

“I-… I think I have to throw up…” he admitted weakly. Heero quickly got to his feet and, making sure he stayed close to Duo and in his sight, he rummaged through the wall cabinets for a bed pan and returned to his friend's side.

“Here,” he rolled Duo onto his side and gently brushed his sweaty hair from his face.

“I'm sorry,” Duo cried, even as his stomach churned and lurched.

“It's gross, I'm sorry.”

“It's ok,” Heero soothed, “it's not gross. Now come on, you'll feel better.”

Duo felt his shame leave at Heero's words, which was a strange thing for him. He was used to the shame and he was used to its never ending grip on him, so it was strange that Heero could vanquish it so easily. He dry heaved more than he threw up since he had eaten so little. The heaving was terrible, it made him feel like his stomach was trying to crawl out of his throat. When the heaves finally stopped, he blacked out, the last thing that he was aware of was Heero's yelling for him.

 

*****

 

He was twelve again. Duo was semi-aware that he was dreaming at the same time that he was stuck and being absorbed by it. No, that wasn't correct… it wasn't a dream so much as a memory. He was in Wes' apartment, in the kitchen. He was wearing a faded pair of jeans, but no shirt. He was making a sandwich with some leftover tuna fish and stale bread that Wes had been planning on throwing away. Wes had proclaimed that he had done well last night and had told him to make himself a lunch. That was his biggest problem, living with Wes, he never knew if he had done a good job or a bad job. It never seemed to matter how much money he made, or at least, it didn't matter in consideration of Wes feeding him. He could never figure out the formula to Wes' `logic', and he never would. It was raining out now in his dream, even though there were no windows, Duo could still hear it as it hit the roof. It had been raining back then, too. Wes was sitting at the table with Chris and one of his drug runners, a man they sometimes called Fish and sometimes called Bob, though Duo could tell that that wasn't his real name. He had no idea why any man would be called `Fish', but the runner seemed to accept it as his name. He wasn't very tall, his slightly tanned face worn, though he was younger than Wes, and freckled. His dull brown hair was short, but terribly messy, his olive eyes looking around the kitchen frantically as he always did. He sniffed a lot and smelled faintly of tomatoes, which irritated Duo for some reason. He was scrawny and Duo seldom saw him, but he saw him enough for him to be accepted as one Wes' associates. The three men were eating pepperoni, mushroom, and anchovy pizza. Duo knew that Chris and Fish hated anchovies, but Wes loved them, so they ate in silence, though Fish grimaced at the taste every now and then.

“Where were you Friday?” Wes asked Fish, not looking at him, but switching his attention from Duo to his pizza. Fish glanced at him and even Duo could see that he was nervous.

“I was with my girl,” he defended with a strange sort of pride.

“I wasn't aware you had a bitch,” Chris said in between bites of pizza. He, too, didn't look at the other man and he didn't make any indication that he didn't like his meal. Fish glared at him, but it seemed weak and feeble compared to Wes and Chris' powerful forms.

“Don't talk about her like that! One of these days, we'll make it big and ya won't see my lily white ass anymore!” Fish snapped. Duo approached the table nervously, the other man's anger not fazing him in the least, but rather, it was Wes' cold nonchalance that bothered him. He didn't know if he was allowed to sit at the table with them or if he should sit on the floor or in his room. He looked towards Wes, who looked back at him and nodded towards the chair across from them. Duo sat at the table and nibbled at his sandwich. The men's work talk held no interest for him, but he had learned to keep an eye and ear on the people in this house.

“Relax, man, don't get so pissy,” Chris said with a twisted laugh. Fish rubbed at his bloodshot eyes. Duo looked at him closely and saw the worry and anxiety on his face.

“It doesn't make much of a difference anyway,” Fish said wearily, “I haven't seen her since Friday. I called and called. Hell, I even went by her apartment, but nothing! She's fucking disappeared. Fucking woman…” Fish shook his head. Duo instantly felt bad for the man. It was obvious that he cared for his girlfriend a lot and he was torn up about her disappearing. Duo knew that, in this area of town, if people disappeared, they seldom reappeared.

“So you didn't pick up the drugs like I asked you to on Friday?” Wes asked gruffly, interrupting Fish's rant. Fish blushed.

“I'm sorry, Wes, but Sheila really needed me at her house,” Fish adverted his gaze. Duo bent down to take another bite of his sandwich, keeping one eye on Fish and Wes, when blood splattered over his face, neck, and chest. His eyes widened as he saw the neat little hole in Fish's head and the back of his head that had blown out due to a hollow point bullet. Fish's eyes were flat, unsurprised, the hit had come too quickly for his brain to even register it. His head rolled and he fell limp on the table, blood dripping thickly onto the wood table. Duo saw the flash of the gun muzzle as Wes put it down, flicking the safety back on and tucked it back into his pants, hidden.

“Never fuck with me,” he growled, taking another bite of his pizza. He noticed Duo still looking at him and gave him a stern, but not angry look.

“Finish your lunch,” he ordered.

 

*****

 

Duo awoke in a mid thrash, Heero grabbing at him to keep him from falling off the bed.

“Duo!” the blue eyed boy cried, holding tight until Duo stopped moving so violently. Duo panted as he slumped against the bed.

“Heero…” he murmured. Heero placed a hand on his forehead and Duo groaned at how good the cold hand felt.

“You're burning up,” Heero noted, feeling panic start to build again, but he bit it down. Duo blinked at him through the darkness. He suddenly realized that Heero had completely turned off the lights, not just dimmed them and wished he had the energy to smile at Heero's thoughtfulness.

“What did you dream about?” Heero asked as he sat on the edge of the bed. Duo stared up at the ceiling, heat burning in his body. One minute he was freezing, then he was hot, then he was freezing again, he couldn't keep track. It felt like his body was tearing itself apart and driving him insane in the meantime.

“Wes had a drug runner, they called him Fish,” even in his illness, speaking of his memories came easy to Duo, “he had this girlfriend. He loved her… a lot. He always said that he was going to make it big and runaway with her and he tried just that. One Friday, he was supposed to pick up some drugs for Wes and distribute it the next day, but he never did. He sold the drugs himself and kept the money himself. When the timing was right, he was going to get him and his girlfriend out, but the next day, she disappeared. A few days later, Wes told him to meet him at the apartment. We were all eating lunch together and Wes shot him. He just… shot him. He knew, somehow, and he had killed his girlfriend, too. I don't know why I dreamed about that, but I did.”

Heero stared at him in shock. Duo's face was beet red and he was panting a little, but his eyes were dark and distant.

“You saw a man die?” he asked incredulously. Duo shrugged.

“I'm tired, Heero,” he murmured.

“You have a fever, a bad one, I don't know if you should, there might be something wrong…”

“Heero,” Duo stared at him, “I just want to sleep, ok?” tears started to slip down his pale cheeks, “I'm so tired.”

Duo closed his eyes as he felt hands, heavy and hard and calloused running over his body. They were so familiar and so real and no matter how many times he told himself that he was just imagining it, he couldn't believe himself. It was real… he could feel it.

“There's too many hands,” he murmured, the tears coming down in torrents. Heero tucked the sheets around him again, feeling his own tears want to escape.

“Oh, Duo,” he murmured, “it's alright,” he stroked Duo's bangs, “everything's going to be fine, I promise. Nothing can touch you when I'm here, ok?” Heero tried to assure Duo as he cried tiredly into the pillow. Heero felt a tear escape from his eye and wiped at it furiously, refusing to show Duo any weakness. When he was alone, he could cry over Duo's words and the bone-deep exhaustion in his violet eyes, the surrender he was trying to not succumb to, even when Heero could see that Duo wanted to, but right now, he needed Heero to be strong, so he would be. It was frustrating, trying to deal with Duo's psychological problems. He knew that there were ways to help him with the physical pain, but Heero felt so powerless against his personal demons. Reading and doing research was one thing, but when it was actually happening to someone you cared about it was so hard. He felt overwhelmed by it and was again struck with the feeling of being lost. He watched as Duo settled down once more. His words returned to him. So Wes was a murderer as well as a pedophile, pimp, drug lord, and rapist. Heero knew he should be shocked, but he wasn't. From what he had already known about the man, `killer' didn't seem too out of his capabilities. The anger and shock he did feel wasn't from the news that Wes had killed a man, but that he had done it in front of Duo. He wondered how old Duo had been when he had seen it. Heero had never seen anyone die before. He had been in the waiting room with his mother when his father had died and she had refused to let him see the body until the funeral. He wasn't quite sure what to feel towards the knowledge that Duo had witnessed a murder, probably at a young age, he was just angry that Wes had done one more thing to damage him. He wanted to meet Duo's so-called `father', just so he could show him what pain felt like, but he also didn't want the man in Duo's life for another second.

 

*****

 

It was in those bleak hours in between night and morning that Duo remembered, after many, many years, how to cry. He cried several times before, when he was in pain or overwhelmed with shame, but in the end, he had bottled it back up, unwilling to let the whole flood out, forcing down his feelings until his body felt like it would tear apart. But, with Heero's eyes on him, in the darkness of the room, his fever and shaking, the cold and the pain eating away at him like a cancer, his memories folding around him like terrible wings, he let go. He cried and cried and when he finally stopped, it wasn't because he had found the will to do so, but because he was too tired and there were no more tears to shed. It felt like an eternity, like he could cry forever and there would be no stopping it, but eventually they did stop.

 

*****

 

Duo didn't fall back asleep, but he wasn't really awake, either. He stared off into space, his dull eyes half lidded. His cheeks were still red from the fever and he was panting hard, though he was just lying there on his stomach. Heero watched him and worried. He was beautiful, even when he was sick, his chestnut hair sticking to his skin with sweat. Heero brushed his bangs away from his pain pinched face, but Duo didn't react. Heero had no idea what was wrong with him and that scared him. What if there was something seriously wrong? What if he was dying? Heero shook his head, trying to free himself from such thoughts, but they were stubborn and stuck with him.

It still wasn't morning yet. The night seemed endless, stuck in this room with the loud heart monitor, Duo's harsh breathing, and the darkness. Heero couldn't remember a time when he had felt more alone. He wanted to laugh at himself. He was in a hospital for fuck's sake, surrounded by people who could help them and he couldn't seek them out. All he could do was hold Duo's hand and hope that, when the morning finally came, everything would be alright.

“Why?” Duo suddenly rasped, shocking Heero out of his thoughts.

“What is it, Duo?” Heero asked softly, but his voice was contorted with worry. Duo's eyes met his and Heero saw a tiny spark of awareness in them.

“I never wanted it,” Duo murmured to him weakly, “even when he gave me things that made me feel good, I didn't want it, so why does it hurt so much, Heero? Why does my body crave it so badly?” Duo closed his eyes tightly at another tremor and a burst of pain in his skull. Heero realized that, if Duo had had the strength to do so, he would have been crying again.

`Withdrawal,' Heero realized, that was what Duo was trying to tell him. It made sense, the hallucinations, the headaches, the nausea, and shaking. That was normal, wasn't it? But, didn't people sometimes also die from withdrawal? Heero was sure that he had heard that somewhere.

“It's just a physical reaction,” Heero tried to reassure him, “it'll pass.”

Heero felt a dull anger towards Duo's doctor. He had told them that Duo wouldn't feel the worst of his withdrawal because they had drugs to help him. Obviously, that had been a lie.

The pain and deep yearning that his body was producing made Duo want to keep his eyes firmly closed, but the fear and strange paranoia that was making his heart race even when he was half asleep as he was now, kept his eyes open. He had to continuously remind himself that he was safe. It was just him and Heero in the room and if there was anyone on the planet Duo could trust, it was Heero, but it wasn't easy. He felt like there was some dark sinister presence in the room that wanted to kill him, even though he knew that that was stupid. His consciousness was floating and murky, he couldn't get so much as a pinky hold in reality, but he felt the pain and need acutely. His body was making him feel like he hadn't had anything to drink in a very long time, but he knew that it wasn't water that his body was hungry for. The need and yearning and desire were enough to make him want to rip open his veins with the IV needle imbedded in his arm. Begging was on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't want it! The only thing that kept him from flying off the handle was the very real, very grounding sensation of Heero's hand, circled around his. He wanted to sleep again, despite the oddly vivid nightmares he was having, but he was too scared to keep his eyes open. Searing pain and freezing cold was filling his spine. He couldn't rid himself of the bone-deep chill no matter what he did. He was buried under every blanket the hospital room had to offer, but he was still shivering. Oddly, Heero's hand felt like it was on fire and he clutched to it desperately. The fear that Heero would go back on his word and leave him all alone almost overwhelmed him. If Heero left him, Duo was sure that he would fall off of the earth at the very least. Heero was all he had. Heero would make everything better. Heero would make the thirst go away.

Heero placed his free hand on Duo's forehead and winced, taking his hand away. His skin was burning hot. Even when his hand strayed a few inches above the skin, he could feel the heat radiating off of him. How high could a person's fever be before they suffered brain damage? He couldn't remember. He watched as Duo squirmed on the bed in discomfort, tremors racking his body, only this time, they didn't stop right away. Heero froze, his grip unconsciously squeezing Duo's hand tighter. Was he having a seizure?

Duo grit his teeth as he tried to force his body to still. He felt the very strong sensation that someone was watching him, someone that wasn't Heero. He opened his eyes slowly, afraid of what he would see.

Wes was standing next to Heero, close enough that their arms would touch if either of them shifted towards the other. Wes stared down at him, his grey eyes were piercing, cold and familiar. Duo closed his eyes again. Wes wasn't really there, he told himself, he couldn't be, but a voice inside of his head chimed in that he was there. Whether or not he could see him, Wes was standing by his bedside and he always would be. He opened his eyes. Maybe it would be like the singing or dreams and as soon as he opened his eyes and really looked at the hallucination, it would disappear.

He was still there and the vision didn't waver. It was too strong and clear, too perfect and Duo knew that it wouldn't just vanish like the others.

“He's not really there,” he murmured to himself, “I just think he is, but he is there,” though he tried, Duo found that he couldn't close his eyes as they locked with Wes'. If he stared hard enough, the hospital room and Heero would disappear, not Wes. Was he what was real here, and not Heero? It seemed too likely. He felt Heero squeeze his hand and he looked over at him. Heero's sudden realness, just as powerful as Wes', struck him almost like a physical blow. He wanted to ask Heero if he could see Wes, too, even though he knew that he couldn't. Wes was his demon, his guardian, his father… not Heero's.

“Who?” Heero asked. He knew that Duo was just hallucinating again, but it was real enough for him and Heero wanted to know what Duo was `seeing'.

“Wes, he's standing right there,” Duo said softly, his eyes shifting to Heero's left, then moving back to Heero, “can't you see him?”

Heero shook his head.

“No, Duo, I can't,” he said sadly, but his voice lacked pity. Duo searched his friend's tone for anything patronizing, like that of a parent assuring a small child that there were no monsters under his bed, but found it lacking and felt better about his question.

“I think… I think he isn't there, but it's so like him if he were…”

“What do you mean?” Heero asked. He hoped that by making Duo talk about it, the apparition would go away. He didn't like the fact that Duo's ill mind was conjuring up hallucinations about his abuser.

“He liked to watch me. When someone was fucking me, he'd just stand there and watch or ask for it to be videotaped. When he beat me, afterwards he'd watch me lie there, bloody and hurting. He just watched. He said that he wanted to see every side of me, but I think he just liked seeing me vulnerable. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and he'd be sitting there, in the dark, watching me sleep. He would even go into the bathroom while I was in the shower. When I was younger, when I first started to live with him, I tried to lock the doors, but he found a way around them. Then, he just took them out. He said that whores had no need for locks, had no need for any sort of privacy because that was their jobs, to show their true selves to whoever would pay enough,” Duo said. The fever and pain making it somehow easier for the words to come, “is that my `true self' is?” he murmured, “A slut and a masochist?”

Heero clenched his free hand, his nails digging into his skin. Fury filled to the point that he thought he was going to vomit, but he only gave Duo's fingers a small squeeze in reassurance. He couldn't see how Duo could believe that, didn't he know what a kind, incredible person he was? He tried to imagine his own personal image of Wes, watching a child Duo and felt his blood boil. Even little kids deserved privacy, that sort of invasion was just another level of disgusting.

“No, Duo, that's not you.”

Duo looked at him with such darkness in his eyes that Heero felt like crying again.

“Then who am I?” Duo asked, sounding very lost. Heero smiled.

“That's simple; you're Duo Maxwell, my best friend and I know things about you that Wes will never know. You like horror movies and Japanese video games and pasta, but you don't like comedies or Brussels sprouts or ankle socks. You prefer root beer to Coke, novels to comic books, and you like butter instead of cream cheese. You're smart and kind and patient and a great friend. That's who you are.”

Heero watched as a myriad of emotions showed on Duo's face. Fear, pain doubt, shame, shock, love. Duo's slim fingers squeezed him back.

“I think I like your version of me better,” he said tiredly. Heero smiled brightly.

“Is your head feeling any better?” he asked. Duo shook his head.

“No, but I think the pain is starting to go down my spine.”

Heero blinked, confused for a moment. Was this another hallucination or was the pain real or, perhaps, a little bit of both? He took in how pinched Duo's face was and how he curved his back, as though he were favoring it. Embarrassingly, Duo's posture reminded him of when his mother had her period and how she would angle her back, trying to escape the pain, only the pain Duo was in seemed much more intense and the younger boy made small moans and whimpers of agony and frustration as he realized that it wasn't going away. The pain wasn't a hallucination, Heero decided, and it was entirely possible that the pain in his spine was somehow linked to the pain in his head and that was the true meaning behind the strange words. Heero's worry for his friend grew and grew.

“Duo, if there is anything I can do to make you feel better, you have to tell me,” he insisted, searching his friend's face for some clue, some solution. He wished that this room had some windows so he could see if the sun was rising. He didn't dare look at the clock. He was sure that if it was earlier instead of later, he would break down again. Duo looked up at him with eyes watery from pained tears.

“Just don't leave me,” he murmured.

There it was again, those words, that promise; don't leave me alone in the dark, don't abandon me, don't betray me, don't let the monsters get me… The pain in Heero's chest at the mere thought of leaving him alone in this room was enough to tear his soul into shreds. Even if Duo slipped into a coma, he could never leave him anymore than he could tear out his own beating heart. If he died… but Heero couldn't bear to think of that possibility, not now when he was tired and so raw.

“I won't leave you,” Heero promised again and felt the incredible weight of that promise. Duo's eyelids slid half closed and Heero watched, slightly bewildered, as Duo attempted to rub his arms against the bed, but his muscles were too weak and weary to manage it.

“What's wrong?” Heero asked with a heavy heart. He wasn't sure how much more he could take, if there was anything else wrong.

“It's the spiders, they make my muscles itch,” Duo explained, as if it was the most logical thing on the planet.

“The spiders?” Heero asked incredulously.

“Mm hmm,” Duo murmured in a drained tone,” the ones under my skin. They won't stop moving, no matter how hard I scratch at them.”

Heero's first impulse at Duo's words was to assure him that there were no spiders, no Wes, no singing, but he was beginning to realize that within every illusion, every dream, there was a grain of truth, a grain of fear. Duo was afraid of being alone and his mind had produced singing to show him that there was someone there. Who knew, maybe his mind recalled, at some base level, his mother singing to him and his subconscious had replayed it? That similar act of recalling memory had been responsible for Duo seeing Wes. He had admitted that it had been common for the man to watch him when he was vulnerable, which he was now, so sick he couldn't even walk. His back hurt and his feverish mind had tied that pain to his headaches, making Duo believe that the pain was actually moving through his body like a sentient thing. It was the same now, his skin was itchy, probably another symptom of his withdrawal and he couldn't get it to stop. Heero knew from one of their late-night sleep over talks, Duo had an irrational fear of spiders. He had always laughed at himself when he admitted it, but Heero knew that the fear was very real. Duo had, shakily, told him of why, and Heero didn't blame him. Duo didn't hate spiders, he loved all animals and thought that spiders, with their complex webs, were pretty cool, but they creeped him out and he distrusted them. When he was little, he had heard it from others, which Heero now took to mean `fellow homeless', that food contained insect eggs and if said food was eaten, the creepy crawlies would hatch inside of the person and dig their way out of that person's skin. For example, if one ate spoiled Mexican food, in a mere few days, you would have baby cockroaches living under you skin, chasing and thrashing towards freedom. The same was true if you got bitten by a bug, because that was how they laid their eggs, in a person's flesh. So, Duo had tried very hard to stay away from food that had gone bad, the thought of baby bugs inside of him was unsettling. But, one day he had been bitten on the hand by a big, furry spider. Duo would learn, years later, from one of the books he had learned to read, that the offending arachnid was called a `wolf spider.' A few days after being bitten, one of his fingers had started to swell up and it had become quite painful, the bite marks leaking clear fluid. He had thought for sure that his finger was swollen because there were thousands of little spiders inside and soon they would burst forth and crawl all over him. Duo had told Heero that he knew now that he had just had an allergic reaction to the bite, but the memory of fear and disgust had stayed with him. So now, when he had felt his arms itching and looked at them and seen hundreds of tiny black bumps under the pale skin, moving around and crawling, he had had the intense urge to find something sharp, slice open his skin, and dig the little bastards out. In fact, he was sure that squashing each one of them would feel really, really good, but he was too weak to even scratch and he knew that Heero wouldn't let him hurt himself like that.

Heero could see the fear in Duo's eyes as he tried to scratch and knew that that was the true reason for the hallucination, just like the nightmares and seeing Wes. He also knew that mere words wouldn't make it go away and simply telling Duo that it wasn't there would separate them in a time when Duo really needed him. The last thing he wanted was for duo to think that Heero thought he was crazy. So, instead of telling him that he was just seeing things, Heero gently scratched at Duo's arm with one hand. Duo moaned happily as Heero's nails softly scratched his skin. Heero's other hand traveled to the gap in the back of Duo's hospital gown and massaged the muscles along his spine, his fingers feeling each vertebrae and he was glad to find that they weren't as prominent as the first time he had seen them. Duo was still too skinny to Heero, but he was gaining some weight thanks to regular meals and the fluids he was getting from his IV. Duo's eyes slid closed in pleasure as Heero's fingers rubbed at sore and painful muscles.

“That feels nice,” he murmured and Heero smiled. When was the last time his moans had been from pleasure instead of pain? He couldn't remember. He found himself blushing at the thought, though. He wondered if that was the same moan he made during se… Heero bit off that thought quickly because it also brought forth the question if Duo had ever enjoyed sex in his short life and that was question he didn't want to know the answer to.

“Your hands are so warm,” Duo said, “I like it.”

Heero felt his face flame further.

“It's so cold,” the longhaired boy murmured, looking away from Heero, “there's ice on my spine, I can feel it. It won't go away, won't melt, it's chipping away at the bone, makes it hurt like a hundred needles, like something sharp is wrapping itself around my spine. I feel so heavy… my blood is heavy, I think, but at the same time, it's so hot, I'm melting away drop by drop. Soon, there'll be nothing left. But… I think if I hold onto you, I can save a part of me…” Duo's voice started to fade and his eyes closed again. Heero kept his hand on Duo's back, feeling his rapid pulse. His words sounded crazy, but Heero could hear the truth in it and felt scared. He didn't know how to deal with Duo when he was like this, didn't know how to make things better. Duo's words left him feeling humbled, knowing how much Duo was relying on him. Heero felt Duo's pulse start to slow and become more even as he fell asleep. Heero was glad and hoped that his sleep wouldn't be interrupted by bad dreams and maybe the weariness and dark circles would disappear. Heero wasn't so optimistic to think that Duo would be all better when he woke up, but there was still that small hope.

“There's ice on my spine,” Duo's words came to Heero and a spark of curiosity wormed its way through his worry and fear. He abandoned Duo's back to push his hair away fro his neck and bit his lip hard, stifling a gasp as he was afraid that even the smallest noise might awake him from his nap.

Duo's neck looked like something he had seen once in a horror movie about vampires when he was a kid. His neck was pale and thin, the vertebrae standing out worse than in his back. The difference that Heero could see that separated the movie from Duo's wound was that there was only one puncture, not two. The track mark was deep and terrible looking, situated over one of the vertebrae. It had scarred over, but it looked like it must have caused Duo a great deal of agony when it had been made. Heero swore inside of his head. This was why Duo's spine hurt and he couldn't help but feel pissed off at Stark for not so much as mentioning it. He rubbed the back of Duo's neck and smiled softly as Duo made another small, happy moan.

 

*****

 

Eventually, the sun did rise in the morning, but Heero didn't sleep again. He dimly realized that he had spent most of the night awake watching Duo as though he was a landmine, ready to explode at any minute. He felt tired and stretched too thin, but he felt a sort of triumph that Duo hadn't stirred. Even now, at the ripe time of seven thirty a.m. Duo was deeply asleep, still lying in the same position on his stomach as Heero watched over his sleep. Heero's tired mind supplied him with the image of himself as a German Sheppard, overly protective and loyal and ready to tear the throat out of anyone who tried to hurt his charge. He found that he didn't mind seeing himself that way.

Heero jumped as he heard a knock on the door. His heart leapt. Help at last! But, it wasn't Stark since the man was the most punctual person Heero had ever met and he always came at nine, and Heero couldn't figure out… he blinked and sat up sharply, remembering.

“Come in!” he called, unable to keep the happiness out of his voice.

Name seemed just as happy to see him. It appeared as though she had just come from a business meeting because she was wearing a classy blue suit and was carrying a briefcase in one hand.

“Good morning!” she said in an awake, chipper tone that was both refreshing and annoying. Heero wished that he had the energy to muster that kind of attitude. In Name's other hand was a bouquet of sunflowers, white Asian lilies, and Irises. When Duo had finally gotten out of surgery and woken up, she had brought him red tulips. She had been afraid that he would think that they were too girly, because that's what Heero would think, but Duo had been excited about the flowers. It was such a simple thing, but Duo had told her that no one had given him flowers before and he only seen them as weeds on grassy hills or in gardens behind white, picket gates or in shops that he could never go in and he had never touched a tulip before and had marveled at how soft if felt and how bright the red color was on the living plant. It had awed him, the simple flowers, and his excitement and incredible gratitude had torn at Name's sense of just. So, every day she had visited him, she had brought a new bouquet, with different flowers. Name placed her briefcase leaning against the bedside table and replaced the orange and red roses with the new bouquet in the crystal vase. With her self-appointed task completed, she finally took a good look at her son and frowned.

“Heero, you look terrible! You didn't stay up late again, did you?” she scolded.

“No, I didn't sleep,” he said gruffly. Name's eyes widened slightly.

“And why is that?” she asked sternly.

“Duo is sick and I was too worried to sleep,” he explained. Name's black eyes darted to Duo and she knelt by his bed, pressing her hand against Duo's flushed forehead. She hissed sharply and narrowed her eyes at Heero.

“He's burning up!” she snapped. Duo made a small, unconscious sound of discomfort and Name watched in half alarm, half amusement as Heero froze, completely attuned to Duo's every move, every breath, but he relaxed when Duo didn't stir further. She took in Duo's muscles, tight and pained even in sleep, the pallor of his skin, and the dark circles under his eyes.

“Does Dr. Stark know about this?” she asked. Heero shook his head.

“Heero, this is serious!” she yelled, secretly worried about Duo not waking at her voice, “The second you even thought that there was something wrong, you should have gotten him!”

“I couldn't!” Heero shot back, “Duo was terrified, I couldn't leave him all alone! I promised that I wouldn't.”

“Fine,” Name said stiffly, “but what about the call button?”

Heero blinked at her in confusion. She sighed and pointed to the remote at the bedside table that had a single, glaring red button.

“The call button, Heero. If Duo was sick and you couldn't leave the room, you should have called for a nurse.”

Heero stared at her in shock, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. All those hours of fear and worrying and he could have just called for someone! Worse than that, he had just let Duo be in pain!

Name sighed and pulled up one of the other two chairs to sit next to Heero.

“I am now caught between admitting that your blind concern for this boy is quite adorable and screaming at you for being such a needless idiot,” Name said affectionately. Heero ran a hand through his messy hair.

“I'm sorry,” he murmured, feeling oddly numb. He knew logically that the numbness was simply because of how tired he was, but he didn't welcome the feeling. Name patted his arm.

“It'll be fine. He doesn't look like he's dying and Stark will be here in a few hours.”

Heero knew that his mother was right. He had been feeling as though Duo was mortally wounded but, after all he had been through, it seemed unlikely that he would die from this. Besides, what was a few hours compared to the entire night he had just gone through?

“Now, start from the beginning, tell me everything,” Name insisted. Heero nodded.

“I think it started with the headaches…”

 

*****

 

If there was one thing that Thomas Stark believed in, it was professionalism. After all, without rules and control, there would only be chaos, and he was proud that, as a doctor, he could somehow contribute to the order. He was punctual to the second and did his job without any hesitation. He was diligent and had no patience for those that preferred the easy way out of things, whether it was those under his care that didn't want to finish their physical therapy because it was `too hard' or orderlies and interns that thought that it was acceptable to cut corners. Stark understood that a hospital was like a complicated piece of machinery, unless all of the parts worked perfectly, it would just buckle under its own weight. Because of this, the one thing, above all else, that he couldn't stand, were people who broke the rules. So, while most of the hospital both feared and respected the Yuy's for all that they had done for Duo Maxwell, Stark simply hated them. Ever since they had brought the boy to the hospital, they had been a thorn in his side, breaking rule after rule. Because of Duo's age, only his parents were allowed to have a say in his medical care and visit him, yet Name Yuy seemed to think that child was hers in that regard. Her son was just as bad, breaking the rules of visiting hours to the extent that he was living in Duo's room! Stark couldn't stand that sort of smugness, the thinking that, because they were rich, they could do whatever they pleased. He didn't care how `noble' their reasons were, rules were rules and they exited for a reason.

But, then there was Duo. He had expected that the boy would be equally smug, knowing what lengths the Yuy's would go to see to his comfort, but he had been a pleasant surprise. Duo Maxwell was an enigma, and Stark loved a good enigma; no records to speak of, supposedly no parents, and the worst case of abuse Stark had see in a long time. He was quiet and obedient, but from what he had seen, he was also very bright and determined to do whatever hard work he had to, to get better. He reminded Stark of a well trained dog, a far cry from the spoiled, disobedient teenager he had expecting. He wished that he could say the same about all of his patients.

 

*****

 

Stark arrived at Duo's room promptly at nine sharp for his daily exam, just like he always did, only this time, he had two heated glares focusing on him.

“He's sick,” Name started in on him with a fury that only a mother could possess, “you said that the medicine would help him, but now he's worse than ever!” she snarled. The doctor had to freeze confused for a moment with what he was being accused of, but once his eyes fell on Duo's sleeping, feverish form, he understood.

“What are his symptoms?” he asked. Heero, not giving Name the chance to start yelling again, spoke to him in a much calmer voice.

“Fever, chills, vivid hallucinations, shaking, nausea, headaches, and pain and chill along his spine,” Heero said, all too happy to have some way to help.

“I thought so,” Stark murmured.

“What do you mean `you thought so'?!” Name snapped. Heero glanced at her. His mother was usually so stoic and composed, he hardly ever saw her this wound up, but he could understand, Duo had that affect on people. Stark stared her down.

“There are marks on the back of his neck,” Heero interrupted, “not his arms. Why?”

Stark decided to focus on the son instead of the mother. At the moment, he seemed the most likely out of the two of them to listen to reason. He took the last remaining chair and sat in front of them, glancing at Name.

“The medicine I gave Duo is to help with the withdrawals from high-grade addiction such as cocaine and heroine. It has been highly effective in those cases, however, we know very little about the drug that Duo was given. We've had a lot of trouble finding drugs to help with the withdrawal because we know so little.”

Name calmed down a little, but she still fumed a little. The sight of Duo's strained form and her new knowledge of what the previous night had been like for him and Heero made the anger come easier for her.

“What do you know about it?” she asked. Stark folded his hands in his lap.

“It's called `KL6'. It's a very popular street drug. It attacks certain neurological centers, temporarily disabling them, which makes `free will' an impossibility. Of course, the human survival instinct still remains but the individual is highly susceptible to demands that don't put their lives in danger. The drug is typically injected into the spinal cord, which makes it more painful than injecting it into the blood stream, but it makes the drug reach the brain faster. Even with only a single use, the withdrawal symptoms are vicious. Because the drug primarily attacks the brain, the withdrawal symptoms can be so severe that the brain will shut down and the individual will die. Fortunately, whoever gave the drug to Duo was a professional which, I believe, is one of the few reasons he is still alive after such a long exposure. KL6 is only meant to be taken for a few hours, not a few weeks. It's amazing he didn't suffer permanent damage! The medicine I gave him isn't affective right now because he's at the worst of the withdrawal, but without it, he would be feeling them for several days instead of only one,” Stark explained. He decided not to tell them about the only other people they had found that had been injected with KL6; that they had all been either whores or rape victims, and the reason why they knew so little about the drug was that most of those people had died fairly quickly.

Name furrowed her brow at the information.

“Why on earth would anyone want to inject themselves with something like that? What purpose does that sort of thing serve?” she asked, confused.

“Don't you get it?” Heero growled, his fists clenched so tightly, his hands were bleeding.

“It's so they can take away free will and self control. You can't say its rape if you don't have the will to say no,” his furious blue eyes looked down at Duo with a mix of rage and love.

“They shot him up with that shit, they took away all of his control. They took away his ability to say no. It creates perfect slaves. They can't fight back, they can only do what they're told. They raped him and called it `consensual'!” Heero was almost screaming, but his hands were gentle as he uncurled them, taking Duo's in one and brushing his bangs out of his face with the other. He wanted to throw up as he realized the truth. He never wanted to let go of Duo's hand. He would protect him, no matter what, he would save him until his last breath.

“You must have been so scared,” Heero murmured to his sleeping friend.

Name wanted more than anything to take her child into her arms and cradle him, protect him from the truth, and tell him that everything was going to be alright, but she saw the anger and the love in his eyes and didn't dare separate them. She felt the same fury and love in herself as she looked at Duo and felt the truth of Heero's words. She wanted to find the men responsible for hurting the kind child that she knew and show them what real fear felt like. But, what Heero had said troubled her. Her son, her baby, had seen the truth where she had not, what she had refused to see. Before meeting Duo, before he had learned the ugly truth for himself, he never would have figured it out. How long would they have to look into Duo's darkness before their small family was changed forever? She wanted, at that moment, to blame Duo for trying to change them, for showing her son how horrible the world really was, but she couldn't manage it. When she looked at Duo, she could see the poor, loving, suffering child that he was and her desire to protect him was even stronger than her desire to shelter her own son. She knew that she couldn't keep him in the dark his entire life and she didn't have the right to keep him blind, no parent did, but it still made her sad.

“Will he survive this?” she asked the doctor.

Stark ran a hand through his thick hair.

“Like I said, whoever injected him was a professional. He didn't overdose and he has healed enough that I think he can fight through it. It seems very unlikely that he would die from this. The withdrawal will last for about a month, though he'll probably get headaches periodically for three months. This drug has a cresting withdrawal pattern. The symptoms get worse and worse until they reach their height, and then, little by little, edge off. In my professional opinion, I think that Duo is now experiencing the worst stage of this. The drugs have helped him previously, but for this stage, they aren't working anymore.”

Heero felt a mix of relief and pain at this. Duo was in terrible pain, but it wouldn't be forever and it wasn't unusual, either.

“How long will it last?” he asked.

“The worst of it should be over in twenty-four hours, thirty-two at the very most. He seems to be doing better than most at this stage, so I'm confident that he'll be fine,” Stark patted Heero's arm and stood.

“Just be patient and you'll see, all of this will pass.”

 

*****

 

Heero couldn't help but be annoyed at Dr. Stark's words. He didn't want to be patient, he wanted Duo to be better right now. He caressed the smooth skin of Duo's hand with his fingertips. He wanted someone to tell him that he had no reason to worry about anything, that he was just being silly, but all he was getting from people were maybes. He didn't know how much heartache he could take or how much more pain Duo could take before his body broke. It was scary, watching Duo sleep fitfully in his agony and know that there was nothing he could do to make the pain go away. But, all he could do, realistically, was sit and wait and hope.

 

*****

 

In the end, Dr. Stark's prediction of Duo turned out to be true. The rest of the day, he tossed and turned in terrible pain, mumbling things that Heero only half-understood, but by nighttime his fever spiked, and by afternoon the next day, most of the pain had disappeared, leaving Duo weak and shaky, but mostly unharmed. Heero was relieved, but realized that Duo was uncomfortable talking about what he had felt and witnessed during his fever, so Heero kept his questions and relief to himself. Duo spent the rest of the day trying to see what his body was capable within the confines of the bed. He still felt weak, but his back muscles were slowly getting better, even while his body was dealing with its addiction. To his delight, he found that he could now twist his back fully both ways and, when he moved his arms and legs, it didn't hurt as much. Still, even with his progress, the thought of getting out of bed was daunting to him in his weakened state.

 

*****

 

8:53 a.m. found Heero and Duo waiting for Dr. Stark. Name had left last night, kissing Duo on the forehead and assuring him that she would be back by ten a.m. to help him with his physical therapy. For once, both Heero and Duo had slept long and hard with no dreams. Heero could tell just by looking at Duo that, though he was still scared about his withdrawal, he was feeling much better, stronger and nearly healthy, though he was still pretty weak. While Duo had been in physical therapy last afternoon, Heero had finally left the hospital for the first time since he had first brought Duo in. The sun had been shining brightly and he had walked to the eyeglass store to order Duo's glasses. While Duo was going through his check-up with Dr. Stark, he was going to go pick them up. He was sure that they would make Duo feel better. He knew how much Duo hated his poor vision. He couldn't begin to imagine how scary it was for him, being unable to see clearly in a strange place, too weak to defend himself. Heero was just glad that he could do something for his friend to make him feel safe.

 

*****

 

Just as always, at 9 a.m. sharp, Dr. Stark waltzed into the room for Duo's daily check-up and the longhaired boy's eyes darkened at the sight of him. Heero knew that Duo hated these check ups. Hell, if he had gone through what Duo had, he wouldn't want some strange man touching him, either, but it was a necessary evil.

“Good morning, Mr. Maxwell, Mr. Yuy,” Stark said in a chipper voice.

“Morning, Doctor,” Heero greeted. He wasn't allowed in the room while the doctor was examining Duo. Stark had insisted that Duo had asked him not to be there and, while Heero understood that Duo wouldn't want him to see him naked, it still made him a little sad. He wondered if Duo even knew what he wanted, because whenever he started to leave, Duo's eyes would be silently pleading him to stay, but in the end, Heero always let the doctor usher him out. Now was no different. They entered into the usual pre-exam ritual. Stark looked impatient for Heero to leave. Heero kissed Duo's forehead, watching with pleasure as Duo's eyes became half-lidded at the kiss, just as always.

“I'll be back in a half an hour,” he promised, just as always. Duo looked at him, begging him to stay, but Heero left, just as always.

 

*****

 

Stark closed the door behind him and approached Duo.

“How are you feeling today?” he asked. Duo wrapped his arms around his knees, hating how the hospital gown gave him nearly no modesty. He hated these examinations. They were embarrassing and, he felt, unnecessary. His body was either going to heal or it wasn't, without the doctor's help.

“My back feels better, but I'm still a little bit shaky,” Duo admitted. Stark smiled at this.

“I'm glad to hear that. Now, let's see how your other injuries are doing.”

Duo sat perfectly still, like a trapped animal, as the doctor examined the fading bruises on his arms, legs, neck, and collarbone. He couldn't help but flinch as the doctor probed the bruises around his neck with his cold fingers.

“Have you ever experienced memory loss?” Stark asked, focusing on his neck. Duo nodded.

“Sometimes, but what does that have to do with anything?”

The doctor hummed low in his throat.

“Were you ever strangled?” the man's voice tilted in a tone of strange eagerness.

“Yes.”

Stark ran his tongue over his bottom lip, but didn't say anything further about it. Duo hissed as the doctor pressed his hand against his ribs.

“Does that hurt?”

“It only aches a little,” Duo said.

“Good,” Stark said with a small nod, “your ribs seem to be healing nicely. It's normal for the flesh around them to be tender after a break.”

Stark pushed the neck of the gown aside and pressed his fingers against the healing bite on Duo's shoulder that had started to scar. Duo struggled to control his breathing. He couldn't stand this close proximity, the curious fingers brushing over his skin, it was too close to his memories. Stark didn't seem to notice Duo's quickening breath or heart rate and if he did, he didn't comment on it.

“The infection has cleared up nicely,” Stark noted and drew Duo's gown away from his side, pressing his hand against the incision where his spleen had been removed.

“Ah!” Duo cried out as his side started to throb.

“How much does it hurt?” the doctor asked him.

“Only a little.”

“This seems to be healing well, too. You said that your back is better, so I don't see any reason why you can't try to walk tomorrow.”

Despite his fear of the doctor's touch, Duo felt relieved at the news. If he could just walk, then he could get out of here and away from this place.

“Roll onto your stomach, please,” Stark said.

 

 

“On your stomach, I don't need to see your fucking face.”

 

 

Duo paled at the command and the phantom voice, but did what he was told. It was too deep inside of him, the training to always do what he was told. He felt the doctor's large hands caress his back and he flinched harshly, but Stark ignored him. Duo bit his lip in discomfort as the doctor pressed against the knot of muscles on his lower back where he had been struck so long ago.

“Everything looks good,” Stark said, “the swelling has gone down and your burns and infections have healed,” he let Duo roll onto his back again.

“Now, spread your legs.”

 

“Be a good little whore and spread them wider.”

 

 

Duo felt bile rise in his throat.

“I don't want to,” he whispered, unable to voice his protests any louder, but his words sounded so weak. Stark snorted.

“Don't be ridiculous, you know I have to check everywhere.”

Duo squeezed his eyes shut. He hated him, he should have known. All men were the same. Well… not all of them…

Stark pressed his hands against Duo's upper thighs, stroking the fair skin there. Duo felt the strong urge to either sob or vomit, he couldn't decide which, so he stayed silent instead. It was always the same. Every day he stayed silent as he was touched in this way. He told himself that it was ok, it wasn't like the doctor was fucking him and he was a doctor, so he had to touch him anyway and no one would care if it made him feel sick, but it still made him want to scream. The man's fingers were light as he stroked his legs, but they made his stomach feel heavy, as though he had swallowed lead. It was Wes all over again, too scared and ashamed to cry out for help, too weak to fight, just taking it in silence. He knew that he shouldn't, that he should tell Heero or Name, but something stopped him every time.

“I love boys like you,” Stark mused, marveling at how soft Duo's skin was, “don't get me wrong, I'm not a fag, but girls nowadays cry so easily, but boys like you know how to keep a secret. After all, you'd been abused for years and only now did you say anything about it!” his hands started to creep lower on Duo's thighs, towards his crotch.

“I'm not a bad person, Duo,” Thomas insisted, “I just have urges, like all men, but I have to deal with mine in order to do my job well. You understand, of course, I'm sure that your father was the same way.” His hands continued to travel downward until they met with the bottom of Duo's gown and he pushed it up to his stomach, his thorough fingers returning to Duo's exposed thighs.

“What I don't understand is why those people are interested in a poor, scrawny, little kid like you,” Stark continued, “They were so worried about you, you'd think you were one of the family.”

Duo shuddered as Stark leaned in and looked him in the eye.

“You were pretty bad off, I was almost positive you were going to die. There was nothing left of you but bones and skin and you were shaking like a drowned rat, but the worst was the internal bleeding and shock. Your rectum was filled with blood and your side was such a mess, I was sure that you would never survive the surgery. You stopped breathing twice when we were cutting into you, but you pulled through. How, I will never know, but I'm glad you did. I've never been good at giving crying women bad news, especially that woman.”

`Name was crying? I almost died?' Duo thought, bewildered. It was hard to imagine such a strong, sure woman like Name Yuy crying over someone like him. The fact that he had almost died didn't hit him like it should have. He didn't remember a lot about that night. By the time Heero had gotten him into the car, he had been too far gone to recall much. What he remembered the most was pain so horrible he wanted to rip his flesh out. He had had the sensation of movement and had heard a voice that sounded suspiciously like Heero's crying and talking to him, begging him to stay awake, to not die on him. Then, there had been this awful bright light, which he now assumed was the inside of the hospital. There had been the sound of solemn voices, people touching him, the feeling of needles in his arms and frantic goings on around him, but he was in too much pain to even open his eyes and he couldn't recall anything after that. He had never really thought about it, his obvious survival had told him enough.

“I know that you were raped,” Stark's words cut through him and he paled. He knew that Stark knew about the abuse, it was hard not to figure out with his injuries and Name's insistence that his father not be allowed to see him, and he knew that it was childish to hope that no one knew about the sex, but that was also pretty obvious. Still, it was embarrassing enough having his friends know about it, let alone strangers. He wondered if the whole hospital was gossiping about him or if Dr. Stark had wisely kept it to himself. Wasn't that what doctors were supposed to do? Protect their patients' privacy? But then, he was sure that doctors weren't supposed to feel up their patients, either.

“Was it Heero that did it? With the amount of damage to your anus and rectum, he must be pretty well hung! I'm a little jealous,” Stark continued, but the words washed over Duo, his attention solely focused on the doctor's fingers traveling up his body.

“I wonder, does he expect to keep you like some pet cat?”

 

 

 

Duo fought against his newest john as he buckled a tight, black, leather dog collar around his neck.

“Stop squirming!” the blonde man yelled at the child, tugging at his hair. Duo immediately stayed still at the sharp pain through his scalp. He wanted to rip the offending collar off, with its heavy silver chain wrapped around the blonde's hand, it was tight on his neck and it terrified the nine year old, but he stayed still, powerless to do anything but what the man told him. The john stroked his hair and pressed his hard cock against his cheek.

“Be a good little kitty and I'll give you some nice, rich milk.”

Duo licked at the head of the organ with small swipes of his tongue, slowly working it into his mouth.

“Good kitty, good little pet,” the man crooned, wrapping more of the chain around his fist until the collar tugged at Duo's thin neck, forcing him forward and he thrust fully down his throat. In the past, he would have choked at the move, but after two years, he knew better and simply wrapped his tongue around the length, wetting it to make it easier. The man groaned and panted as the boy sucked on him, his tongue caressing him with surprising grace. He drew out of the moist cavern, only to thrust back in, grabbing at the child's hair, fucking his mouth.

Duo didn't flinch as the blonde pulled out suddenly and hot, thick cum splattered on his face and hair.

“Shit,” the man panted as he started to regain his composure.

“What are you waiting for?” he snapped, “clean it up! No, you stupid animal, with your tongue!”

 

 

“Pay attention!” Stark's harsh voice and sudden grip on his spread thighs brought Duo out of his memory only to throw him into another.

 

 

“Pay attention!” Wes snarled, slapping Duo across the face as the child tried to wrap a blanket around his nude body as he shivered on the cold floor of his bedroom.

“No!” he cried, “please, leave me alone!” he begged.

It had been two weeks since Wes had picked Duo off of the street and had started to teach him how to be a proper whore. Now, the man wanted him to practice on some of his `friends', and he just couldn't do it. He wanted to wrap the blanket as tightly around himself as he could and disappear from the world. It was strange, when he was living on the streets, he had been invisible to the world and he wanted nothing more than to have that invisibility back now.

Wes grabbed his arm, hauled him to his feet, and ripped the blanket from him.

“No!” Duo cried, trying to get the blanket back and Wes shook him roughly.

“You still don't get it, do you?” he snapped, “Whore's don't need clothes! Now stop fucking around and do your job!” Wes dragged him out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where half a dozen men around Wes' age, including Chris, were lounging. Their eyes focused on him and he blushed deeply. He couldn't take it, their eyes roaming over his naked body like he was a choice cut of beef. Wes shoved him forward and he hastily covered his crotch with his hands, wishing there was something to hide behind. He had never felt uglier in his life, bare in front of so many men, his hair loose and brushing against his back. With a growl, Wes placed a hand on Duo's shoulder and squeezed in warning. Shaking, Duo let his arms fall to his sides, exposing him completely. His face felt like it was on fire and he wanted to throw up. His skin crawled with the constant staring and it was only because of the men's silence and Wes' painful grip on his shoulder that kept him from trying to run.

“Now, slut, why don't you tell these nice gentlemen what you really are?” Wes jeered.

Duo's shaking intensified, but any protests died in his throat at that harsh, squeezing hand.

“I-I am a whore,” Duo stammered, his voice as shaky as his body, “I am a slut. I am not a person. I am nothing more than a hole for men to fuck,” he fell into silence, feeling his words cling to his skin. They had been hard to say and he was panting with the exertion of forcing them out, but they rang in his head.

“Again,” Wes ordered.

“No,” Duo whimpered, but with another harsh squeeze of Wes' hand, he found the words spilling out.

“I am a whore. I am a slut. I am not a person. I am nothing more than a hole for men to fuck,” Duo's voice started to become more steady as he repeated the words, despite the tears that were tracking down his cheeks, his eyes starting to look dead and flat.

“Again.”

 

 

Duo was awoken from the sickening memory by the absence of the doctor's hands on his skin. He blinked in the bright lights and saw Stark putting on latex gloves.

“No,” he murmured. Stark frowned at him.

“Don't be stupid. It's my job as a doctor to make sure that you're completely healthy.”

Duo tensed as the man approached him again.

`Is it also your job to molest your patients, Doctor?' Duo thought bitterly. Even if he had taken everything in silence in the past, Duo felt that he should try to reason with the man, or at the very least, get him to admit his true intentions. Saying things like it was just his job or that Duo was being bashful made Duo feel that he was just overreacting, even when he knew that what the doctor was doing was wrong.

“But I'm fine! I'm eating solid food and it doesn't hurt down there anymore! Besides, you said yesterday that everything looked fine,” Duo protested.

“It never hurts to be thorough, now does it, Duo? This is your health we're talking about, besides, don't you think that Mrs. Yuy would be upset if I didn't do my best for you? Now, spread your legs,” Stark said, putting a hand on his knee. Duo lay back against the pillow, spread his legs, and closed his eyes. He winced as the doctor spread his buttocks and slipped a finger inside of him. The gloves were lubricated, so it didn't really hurt, but his past experiences painted the phantom pain well enough that it might as well have. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He told himself that it was just a normal examination, but the finger went too deep, caressed too much, stayed inside for too long, and he couldn't believe the lie.

 

 

“I have a job for you to do, but it's your choice.”

 

“It'll only hurt for a second.”

 

“I'm sure you'll figure it out.”

 

“I'll give you shelter and plenty of food if you do what you're told. You'll also make a lot of money.”

 

“Here's a sandwich. I hope you like it, I'm not much of a cook, my specialty is take out.”

 

Phantom, harsh laughter.

 

“Even girls bleed their first time.”

 

 

Wes' words were so loud and strong it was like he was in the room with them. It was never going to stop, he suddenly realized. He would never escape from Wes, even if he killed him, which was laughable. The man and everything he had done and taught him was in his blood now. It was all his fault, this proved it. Even when he was away from the man, the same thing happened over and over again. He could fight as much as he wanted, but it wasn't going to make a difference. This was his fate, he could see that now. All men were the same, he knew that deep down in his soul. They took and they took, not carrying about anyone but themselves. They were dirty, but he was the worst one of the bunch, because he had actually conned himself into believing that things could change. It would never stop and he was so tired of all of it…

 

 

“ Was it Heero that did it?”

 

No, that wasn't right… Heero wasn't like them, he was different! When Heero's kind, blue eyes looked at him, he didn't feel dirty, when he was with Heero, he felt… good. The world wasn't just filled with johns and whores, hadn't Heero shown him that? He had helped him, cared for him, for nothing in return. That wasn't how his world worked. He had turned everything inside out and Duo wasn't sure what to believe anymore. He wanted things now that he had never even thought of before. Those things had always belonged to someone else, someone better, or so he had thought, but for the first time in his life, he actually had better. He didn't deserve it, but it was there, anyway. Intense fury filled him at the doctor's words. He might be shit compared to Stark, but the man was nothing compared to Heero! He had no right to say those things.

 

*****

 

Stark ran his tongue over his back teeth as he pushed his middle finger deeper into Duo's body. He could feel the boy's heat and softness even through the glove. It felt different than a girl's vagina, but no less pleasant. He looked at Duo's face and felt annoyed that the pretty boy wasn't paying attention to him again. He wasn't used to that. Usually, his patients' attention was solely on him, but this boy was different.

He had dealt with kids and their sickening disrespect for adults his entire career as a doctor. They thought that they could say or do whatever they liked without consequence. Even when he was trying to help them, they always believed that they knew better than him, were better. It was so powerful, knowing that he could send brats like those to their knees where their parents and teachers couldn't. He didn't rape them, of course, he was a doctor and he had more class than that, he just enjoyed their bodies with his hands and showed them how small and unimportant they were.

He had started with girls. Like he had told Duo, he wasn't gay and he preferred girls. They were softer, sweeter, and the way they smelled turned him on greatly. However, they were also weak and prone to crying and begging, something he couldn't stand. Also, girls nowadays had no shame and had no qualms about running to their parents. It was during a close call where a girl had tried to get him arrested that he decided to turn to boys. The girl had gotten her parents on her side, but there had been no real evidence and the hospital had backed him up.

Boys weren't exactly ideal for his needs, but they served a purpose and kept him safe. They acted more confused at his actions than the girls, but in the end, they just grit their teeth and bore it in silence, too embarrassed to tell anyone about it. Truthfully, he didn't see what the big deal was. Breaking the law was kind of exciting, but they weren't children and he didn't hurt them. He also didn't do it to all of his patients only the ones he thought deserved it. Duo didn't exactly fit this category, though. He was quiet, soft spoken, and polite, the perfect teenager, in Stark's opinion. Heero, on the other hand, was just Stark's type. The thought that he was molesting Heero Yuy's best friend behind his back was the best sort of victory. Besides, the longhaired boy was just too pretty for him to let the chance pass him by.

The doctor dodged, pulling out his finger, as Duo threw a weak punch at his head. The boy was still too weak to do any damage that way, but making sure that the blow wouldn't land was satisfying. It wouldn't do for the boy to think that he could get away with such behavior. He wasn't the first that had tried to fight him, but it had always amounted to nothing. He couldn't stop the slightly disbelieving, amused laughter that spilled from his lips and he didn't want to.

 

*****

 

Duo collapsed against the pillows, panting. It had been stupid trying to do that. Dull pain laced up his back. He had known that he was too weak to actually hit anyone, but he hadn't cared, he had been too angry. It had been oddly satisfying, too, knowing that he had not only come close to striking him, but he had fought back. He had never fought against Wes, that was why the thought of killing him seemed so stupid, but this man wasn't Wes. Compared to his ex-pimp, he was a bug, bothersome, but worthless. Duo felt an odd sort of power knowing that he had, for the first real time, tried, not to get away, but actually try to hurt someone that was hurting him. He also knew that, if it hadn't been for the harsh words Stark had spoken about Heero, he wouldn't have even thought about it. What was happening to him? In the past, the thought of striking someone who was touching him like that would have filled him with ingrained fear. He had felt too cowed and powerless, but now he just felt very angry and wanted, very badly, to hurt the doctor. His actions didn't feel like his own and he wasn't sure if that was a positive thing or not.

Stark took off his gloves and tossed them in the trash.

“Just what is it that you think you're doing?” Stark asked him, “After I've worked so hard to keep you healthy, you're going to do something so childish?”

The doctor cupped Duo's cheek and the boy flinched hard away from him. Stark felt that patronizing laughter bubbling up in his throat again, but made sure not to release it. Duo grabbed at the bedside table to steady himself as his flinch made him bump his head against the wall. His hand hit the full water glass on the table and some of the water sloshed out of it. Stark looked at him with a small smirk that Duo was starting to hate. Even when he had tried to fight back, knowing what Stark had been doing to him for days made him feel sick. What about when he had been too drugged up to remember his own name? Had he done anything to him, then? The thought of someone touching him when he was that vulnerable reminded him of being chained to Wes' bed and it sent violent shudders through his body. Even when he tried to fight back he couldn't stop anything. He was useless. He wanted Heero… he had left him all alone, but that was his fault, not Heero's. He knew that if he told Heero to make Stark stop, he would. That was one of the reasons why his love for him burned so deeply. He had told Heero to make the pain stop and he had, just like that. Heero felt like the only person he could really trust. He had turned to hate when he had discovered what he and Zechs were doing because he cared. But, it was because of that that he couldn't say anything. He wanted Heero to see him as a strong person, not the stupid, ugly coward that he really was. He just wanted Heero to come back. If he could just see him, he could pretend that everything was all right.

“You really are quite pretty, for a boy, I mean. Even with that gorgeous hair of yours, you're definitely not a girl, but you're still pretty,” Stark mused, “I can see why that boy is eating out of your hand and it's as equally obvious why you allow him to follow you around like some dumb puppy. I mean, if you hang around that family for long enough, they'll open a lot of doors for you. Just look at what they've done for you so far! But, even an independent kid like you needs an adult to lead him,” Stark gripped his chin, meeting Duo's furious eyes, “So, how about it? I'm sure you've seen enough being that boy's friend that the two of us could blackmail them with something!”

“Asshole!” Duo snarled, wrestling out of his grip. Stark felt that righteous laughter building up and let it go, the sound hysterical at the sight of Duo's useless anger. The doctor staggered backwards as Duo's water glass crashed into his forehead, shattering and splashing water all over his head, making his hair stick to his skin and he looked pathetically like a drowned cat. He looked at Duo with wide, disbelieving eyes. His thoughts were jumbled and he couldn't figure out what had just happened. He saw Duo sag into the bed, but why he looked so tired, yet proud, escaped him. Then, the pain started, a strange mixture of stinging and throbbing. A long, red line formed on his forehead and a thick stream of blood started to trickle down his face. He blinked back to wakefulness as he tasted his own blood. With a shaky hand, he swiped off the blood that had dripped down his mouth and stared at his hand, stained a brilliant red. Duo would have laughed at the sight of Stark's shocked expression if he didn't feel so drained. Stark wiped at the stream of blood and stared at it again.

“You… you little…” the doctor stammered. That bastard had hit him with a fucking glass, he had made him bleed!

“You little shit!” he yelled, finally managing the words and he raised his fist to strike him. Duo stayed calm in the face of the doctor's fury.

“I wouldn't do that,” he said in a flat voice.

Stark froze as Duo's voice broke through the fog of anger that was wrapping around his mind. Where had his carefully constructed control gone?

“You're wrong about Heero. He's better than you, he would never touch me like that. He's my best friend and he and Mrs. Yuy care about me. If they find out about what you've done, losing your job will be the last of your worries,” Duo said, marveling at his own calm. Blackmail… was that what he was doing? It felt kind of good. He wasn't surprised that he wasn't afraid of being hit. He had been beaten by the best, after all, but for the first time in his life, he had something protecting him, he had a small spark of power.

“You won't tell anyone,” Stark said confidently, but he lowered his hand. Duo cocked his head to the side.

“On my own, no. But, in order to protect Heero, I'll do what I have to. If you hit me, Heero will find out about it and he'll find a way to make me tell him everything,” Duo smiled fondly, “he has a way of doing that to me. The last thing I want is for him to find out about this like that. If he discovers that I've been hiding this, it'll hurt him, but if I willfully tell him… I'd rather he didn't find out at all, but I will tell him if I have to,” Duo reasoned. Stark glared at him, but Duo could tell that he was backing off and he closed his eyes. Thomas seethed at the blatant dismissal but realized that he was trapped. Trapped by a mere child… if it had happened to anyone else, he would have laughed. He stifled a childish grumble and started to leave.

“Don't forget to clean up the glass,” Duo called, wondering if he could get a nap in before Heero returned. Stark grit his teeth, but grabbed a broom and dustpan from the closet and went to work

 

*****

 

Stark made quick work of the glass and left, which Duo was grateful for. He felt tired from the last few days of battling his withdrawal and dealing with his doctor. He would stick to his word and not tell Heero and Name about any of it. It wasn't because he was rewarding him for not striking him. It was simple, really. He knew what most of the world was like and he had learned over the years that there was no changing that. Even if he told on Stark, it wouldn't change things. At the very least, he could let Name and Heero keep thinking of Stark as a good person. It was a lie, but it was a good lie. Besides, Stark wouldn't touch him from now on now that he had put the fear of Mamma Yuy in him and that was enough of a victory for him. Feeling better than he had since before the fight he had had with Heero so long ago, he allowed himself to fall asleep.

 

*****

 

Duo awoke to see Heero sitting in his chair, watching him sleep with a fond smile on his handsome face.

“Hey,” Heero said softly.

“Mm,” Duo gave a sleepy moan, the covers wrapped around him which he knew had been Heero's doing, “Wha' time is it?” he asked, still half asleep. Heero's smile turned even softer, if that was possible.

“It's noon. You were sleeping so deeply, I didn't want to wake you. How are you feeling?”

Duo stretched as much as he could and yawned, struggling towards wakefulness.

“Better, I think. My head and neck still ache a little, but I'm not so cold,” he admitted.

Heero's smile widened.

“No hallucinations?”

Duo shook his head.

“The fever's almost completely gone and Dr. Stark said that he thinks the worst of it is over.”

Heero breathed a silent sigh of relief.

“You look better, not so shaky. Do you remember the last two days?” he asked. Duo's doctor had told him that some short term memory loss might occur, but he hoped that Duo remembered the promise Heero had made to him and that he was safe.

“It's a blur,” Duo said, “but I remember most of it in bits and pieces,” he blushed, “Heero, I'm so sorry. I worried you and those crazy things I said-,”

“Duo, don't apologize,” Heero interrupted, brushing Duo's long bangs out of his face, “you never have to apologize to me. You were very sick, so of course I was worried. You were scared and I don't blame you for that. Hell, I was just a bystander and I was scared!”

Duo smiled back at him, glad that nothing had changed poorly after all of the things he had told him.

“I am feeling a lot better and Dr. Stark said that I can start walking soon.”

Heero beamed at the news.

“That's great!” he exclaimed, “You'll be out of here in no time!”

Duo's smile waned a little, though Heero didn't seem to notice. He had survived all of this time in the hospital yearning to leave, but he knew that once he did, he would be on his own again. Heero would leave him, whether he wanted to or he had to, Duo couldn't know, but he would leave him. He had promised that he wouldn't but Duo couldn't see any other option. Leaving the hospital meant that he was well and that he was free, but it also meant that he was leaving Heero behind, or was it that Heero was leaving him? Heero had made the promise, but Duo hadn't. Still, he could feel the unspoken agreement not to leave each other in the air. Did it really need to be said? But it had felt so good hearing Heero make that promise, even in the terrible pain he had been in at the time. He would stay with Heero for how long as he could, but in the end, did he really have choice? He wanted to be better, but if being healthy meant that he had to sacrifice Heero to get there, he never wanted to walk again! But that wasn't fair to Heero, to tie him down to an invalid friend. That wasn't a friendship, it was like some one sided parasitic relationship with one person feeding off of the other. He couldn't cripple him in that way.

“By the way,” Heero interrupted Duo's thoughts and took out a glasses case from his jacket pocket, “these are yours.”

Duo's heart raced at the sight of the case. He blurted out the first thought that came to him.

“I've never gotten a present before,” he murmured, tears pricking at his eyes. He told himself that that wasn't true. Every time Heero had shared his lunch with him, every meal Name had cooked for him, all those flowers she had brought, those were presents. But Heero handing him his glasses felt like a true gift.

Heero blushed darkly as the glass case exchanged hands. His heart pounded at the fact that Duo's first present was from him.

“I picked out the frames and paid for them with my own money,” Heero told him. Duo looked at him with wide eyes.

“Heero…”

Heero rubbed at the back of his head.

“It seemed appropriate.”

Duo looked down at the black, leather case.

`A real gift,' he thought, his heart beating faster and faster. He wanted to tell Heero that he didn't deserve them or that he shouldn't have gone through the whole effort, but he knew that that would just cheapen it, besides, he could barely breathe, let alone speak.

“Tell me if they're ok,” Heero said and Duo found himself opening the case.

They were slim and elegant looking, but simple and not fancy. The frames were thin, the arms a deep ebony, but the rims were a mixture of silver and a deep copper that had been painstakingly chosen to match his hair. He held them nervously in his hands, noting how light they were.

“They're beautiful,” he breathed. He opened the arm, slipped them on, and gasped softly.

“I… I can see,” he whispered. Heero's heart exploded with mutual happiness.

“Really?” he asked excitedly. Duo nodded, a tear tracking down his cheek.

“I haven't seen this well since… since before…” Duo couldn't finish the sentence, but he didn't need to, Heero understood him perfectly well. Duo looked around the room, shocked at how sharp everything was. The blurred colors he had no idea had existed. There was an archaic painting of running, wild horses. The heart monitor had been made by a company named `Baetes'. There were six white lilies, ten irises, and four sunflowers in the crystal vase.

Heero studied Duo's amazed expression. The glasses he had picked out suited him so much better than the other ones he had worn. They made him look adorable because they almost disappeared on his face. He tried to remember when he had felt this happy and couldn't. He had found Duo. He was finally back in his life and he was finally getting better.
Duo suddenly wrapped his arms around Heero and hugged him tightly. Heero followed the move and hugged him back, for the first time in days, without having to worry about hurting him.

“Don't leave me,” Duo whispered, “don't leave me alone again,” he started to shake. He didn't want to go back to the bad places. He only wanted to be touched by Heero, not Stark, not Chris…

Heero let go of him and looked at his pale face. He couldn't follow Duo's rampant mood swings, but he could tell from the light shaking that something wasn't right.

“What's wrong? You don't look well.”

Duo looked up at him.

“I'm just tired,” he said softly, “I'm tired, Heero,” he pressed his face into Heero's chest. Heero clung to him, feeling sick all over again. It wasn't a physical exhaustion that Duo was talking about, he realized. His soul was tired. Tired of being hungry, tired of humiliation, tired of abuse, tired of being dirty. Tired to the bones of being tired. Heero chewed on his lip. Was he at the end of his rope? Was Duo just going to give up? That couldn't happen… he couldn't let that happen. Even if he had to shoulder all of Duo's weight to save him and make him whole again, he would gladly do so.

“Have you ever seen the ocean?” he asked. Duo looked up at him, bewildered.

“No,” I've never seen it. I've never had the time.”

Heero put on a smile but his heart hurt. He had lived here for two months and he had been to the beach several times, but Duo had lived here his whole life and hadn't gone once. He had been too busy trying to survive.

“Some Mainer you are!” he teased, “One day, when you're all better, I'll take you there, just the two of us.”

Duo wanted to cry. It was too much. Heero was too much. He wanted to say no. Even if, right after he got out of the hospital, Heero took him to the beach, in the end, Duo would still be back on the streets. It made him too bitter. But, his memories of Heero would be all he had, so why not? Why not one last perfect memory?

“Ok,” he agreed, “I'd like that.”

“Pinky swear,” Heero said with a grin.

“Huh?” Duo asked, confused. Heero sighed heavily and linked his pinky with Duo's. Duo watched this with wide-eyed interest like a small child.

“Pinky swear,” Heero pointed out.

“Oh,” Duo said, as though he had figured out some great secret.

 

*****

 

Name's business meeting ran late and she didn't come by until three, but she brought Heero a hamburger and snuck Duo a chocolate shake, another treat he had never had, but enjoyed greatly. She became ecstatic when she heard that Duo might be walking soon and sought his doctor out. Stark entered the hospital room with a bandage over the cut on his head, completely ignoring Duo, which Heero and Name knew was odd, but they didn't mention it. Instead, Name grilled him about Duo's progress and he gladly told her everything he knew until she asked him about the bandage. He nervously shook off the question and left the room hastily, another bizarre occurrence, but they pretended like it had never happened.

 

*****

 

True to his word the next day Stark started Duo's walking therapy. Duo expected something grueling, leg stretches and complex exercises, perhaps. What he hadn't expected was Stark asking to just stand up and walk to the door of his room. Wasn't there supposed to be more to it? Of course, he had been doing leg and back exercises through physical therapy for days but he didn't think that he was supposed to just stand up. He stared at the doctor blankly for a few seconds. After a week in the hospital, walking still seemed so complicated. He knew, logically, that he should at the very least, be able to stand by now. Sitting up was as easy as breathing now and his back muscles were strong enough for him to write and eat on his own. Throwing that glass at Stark had proved that to him, but after the trauma of his ruptured spleen, he was a little bit scared of trying to walk. Then, there was the thing that had been nagging at him like a hungry parasite. From the moment he had woken up after his surgery, he had wanted to leave. He hated the hospital, it was frighteningly close to what Wes had done to him, making him weak and vulnerable, trapping him in that room, that bed… But now that he was stronger and could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, he realized the truth. As long as he was sick, weak, and hurting, Heero would stay with him. He had promised and Duo knew that Heero would keep that promise. As long as he was here, Heero wouldn't abandon him. But, what about when he was whole again, when Heero no longer felt the need, the duty, to stick by him? He would be back on the streets soon, his slowly rising strength told him that, how he would survive without Wes and the shelter he and the prostitution had provided, he still hadn't figured out. Perhaps he would go back to begging and stealing like he had as a child. It would be harder now that he was a teenager and since his reputation as a whore was pretty solid on the streets, that would create a lot of problems for him. Johns would recognize him, other prostitutes would probably consider him a threat to their livelihood and now that he had no pimp, they would consider him fair game and so would other pimps. Then there was Wes. Duo was sure that the man wouldn't give up on him. He had the stubborn streak of a fighting dog and eluding him would be the most difficult thing. Among all of the questions and unknowns, Duo knew one thing: when he left the hospital, Heero wouldn't be there anymore and he didn't know if he wanted to live with that. The fear of being alone was overwhelming and the fear of never seeing Heero again was ten times worse. Last night, when Heero had fallen asleep, Duo had laid awake, thinking. He mulled the entire week over in his head. Heero had stayed with him through a lot of crap and Duo knew that he would just be kidding himself if he actually believed he had gotten through everything as well as he had, with or without Heero's help. When he was gone, would what little strength he had left leave him as well? The withdrawal had been bad and Duo remembered all of the bad things he had wanted to do to himself, but the fear of Heero's disapproval had made him not do those things. He had struggled through the physical therapy, partially because he had wanted to leave so badly, but mostly because he wanted Heero to be proud of him. In those late hours of the night, he had seriously considered hurting himself to stay in the hospital, but he couldn't. Heero was his friend and friends didn't pull that shit just to keep each other. That wasn't friendship, it was leaning, it was crippling.

So, here he was, about to take the big leap of trying to walk and found that his greatest fear was not of failing, but succeeding. He felt Name and Heero's gazes on him and could feel their hope. They wanted very much for him to get better and who was he to deny them that. He sat on the edge of the bed, his feet dangling over the side, and he placed his feet on solid ground. The tiles were cold under his bare feet, but it felt nice. His leg muscles flexed and, for the first time in a week, he stood under his own power. His butt left the bed and for a brief second, he was disoriented, but he just looked at Heero and felt the world come back to him. Heero's anxious face broke out into a grin.

“How does it feel?” he asked eagerly. Stark stood behind Name and Heero, watching intently, but not saying a word. Duo analyzed himself as he stood. He wasn't toppling over, which was a good sign and more than he could have hoped for.

“It's a little wobbly,” he admitted, “but nothing hurts and I'm not falling down yet,” he joked. Name looked like she wanted t o hug him, but restrained herself.

“Alright,” Stark finally spoke, “why don't you try to walk to the door? If you feel up to it, we can try the hallway, as well. If you feel any stress in your side or lower back stop walking and tell us. There's no sense in you hurting yourself this late in the game,” he warned. Duo nodded. Heero stepped up and placed his hand under Duo's upper arm not supporting him, but staying close in case he needed to help him. It was ten steps to the door. Duo had spent the last three days, when he had been lucid, watching people come and go and counting their steps. At first it had been about keeping occupied, but it had quickly turned into being prepared for the inevitable.

His legs felt weak as he walked, but stable and he managed to make it to the door with no problem. Heero was like a hawk, watching his friend's every move. When Dr. Stark had told him it was finally time for Duo to start walking again, he had been both excited and a bit nervous. So far everything looked ok. He managed to contain himself so he wasn't helping Duo walk, though he was diligent in watching for any stumbles. He felt like cheering when they made it to the door, but settled for grinning like a kid on Christmas morning. Duo felt a mixture of feelings when his hand closed around the doorknob, relief, joy, frustration, sadness. For a moment, it looked like Heero would intervene and try to open the door for him, but Duo was glad when he stayed still. He had thought that it would be hard, that the door would defeat him, but his hand was steady as it opened the door.

Duo felt a momentary pang of disappointment when he saw how boring and ordinary the hallway was. He had waited a week for this, but all he could see was white. The long hallway was brightly lit, the repetitively white walls only broken by the maroon signs by each door with their white room numbers. Duo shook off his disappointment and continued down the hall. Heero followed closely, reminding Duo of Stark calling him a dog. Beyond his anger at the insult, he could see the truth in that. They were like cats and dogs. Duo, the solitary, wild creature yearning for affection, but too independent and stubborn to bring himself down to the level where he could get that intimacy and Heero, sweet, bright, loyal, fiercely protective, willing to do anything for attention from the people he loved, but the wild wolf still lurked under the surface. They owned each other, but they were still equally wild. Duo knew that that epiphany should have bothered him, but it actually made him feel a little bit better. He managed another six steps before his body started to remind him he had been stuck in bed for a week for a reason. A small prickling sensation started to build in his back and his legs shook.

“That's enough,” Heero insisted, easily seeing the changes in his stance. Duo nodded.

“Can I walk back?” he asked, almost begging. He could see Heero mulling it over, but the blue eyed boy nodded.

 

*****

 

Duo had to sit down for a few minutes to steady his legs while Stark exclaimed how great his progress was, but after five minutes, he was ready to try again. It went like that all day, Duo would walk farther and farther until he would have to sit down, but he would be back on his feet after only a few minutes. By the time that Name was getting ready to go home, Duo had been able to walk to the public bathroom and back to his room without having to rest. Even the composed woman smiled happily when the doctor informed her that he saw no reason why Duo couldn't be taken home in three days, if not less if he continued to make progress like he had been.

`I'll be going `home' in three days,' Duo couldn't help but think bitterly. He felt that half-excitement, half-fear again, but it did feel good, that feeling of `progress'. When Name said her goodbyes to Heero and Duo, for once, everyone was smiling, though Duo seemed distant. He lay in bed and listened to Heero talking about how excited he was about Duo being discharged. He could finally see the light through the tunnel, he just wished it still wasn't so dark.

 

*****

 

After giving Duo a thorough, but professional exam the next morning, Stark proclaimed that he would be discharged in two days, not three, since his headaches were manageable and his back didn't hurt him anymore. Heero and Stark had a small fight about letting Duo take a real shower. Stark said that it was too soon to leave Duo alone in the shower and Heero argued that, if he could walk down the hallway, he could stand in a shower for a few minutes. Duo was nearly salivating at the mere thought of getting a shower. Every day, his nurse would give him a sponge bath, which was beyond embarrassing, having some strange woman cleaning him. She was young and attractive in a non-extraordinary way, but Duo felt nothing, even when her full, ample breasts pressed against his naked chest when she washed him. She could tell that she wanted him to be and was annoyed that he gave no indication of more than noticing her when she was there. Any doubts about his sexuality had quickly left him after that. He had felt more excited when Heero's hand had been on him when he had tried to walk than when the nurse had been washing his cock. No matter how thorough she had been, he had still felt dirty, especially his hair, so the prospect of a shower felt more like a dream than a possibility. Unfortunately, the intertwining thoughts of Heero trying to win him a shower and his embarrassing memories of the sponge baths gave him the mental image of Heero giving him a sponge bath and he had to hide amongst the blankets while his will his cock to stop trying to harden. At least that was something he didn't have to worry about. He had heard about men who went through surgery and ended up impotent. It sounded like an urban legend to him, but he supposed that it was possible. Still, it wasn't something he had ever been worried about. He knew that it was shameful for a man not to be able to get it up, but it was even more shameful to him to get an erection while he was being raped. There had been times in the past when he had wished he was impotent but it looked like that was one part of his body that wasn't broken The way he saw it, everyone had basic needs; water, food, sex, cleanliness, and sleep. He had lived his life with an adequate amount of water, little food, sleep, and cleanliness, and far too much sex. But, now his world had been flipped and he had food and water and sleep with barely any sex. Now he just needed to do something about, finally, getting clean.

In the end, Heero won the fight, though Stark demanded that Heero at least stay in the bathroom with him, in case he fell. Heero blushed as he made the promise. Duo would be completely naked, only a few feet away from him. Sure, he was now only wearing underwear and a hospital gown, bur for some reason, the thought of being in the same room with Duo as he took a shower made him feel prickly and hot. Duo also blushed at the promise, but for different reason. There was the eroticism of Heero standing outside the shower, but there was also his shame towards his own skinny, scarred, ugly body. He didn't want Heero to see him naked, ever, but Stark didn't say that he had to. In and out, he would make sure that the shower was quick and that Heero never saw a thing.

 

*****

 

The two boys colleted towels, a clean gown, underwear, and soap and shampoo and made their way down the hall. Duo was almost perfectly steady on his feet now and Heero knew that he wouldn't be falling over anytime soon. They walked to the private bathrooms and locked themselves in, both of them blushing. Heero watched his friend organize the supplies on the shelf of the shower and felt amazed at his progress. It was hard to equate the starving, bleeding boy he had found shivering in his room with the boy in front of him, walking, talking, independent… He shook his head. The bathroom was decent for a hospital utility. The shower was designed to fit two people with a sliding glass door, matt to keep people from slipping, various shower attachment, and a seat for patients who couldn't stand, but were well enough to leave their rooms. There was a small mirror over the white porcelain sink and a soap dispenser that was nearly leaking the pink soap it held. Heero wrinkled his nose. Only a hospital could have soap that actually smelled sterile, he decided. He turned his back to Duo, facing the door.

“You can get undressed,” he said, beyond embarrassed. He remembered how aroused he had bee when Duo had taken a shower at his house, and there had at least been a door separating them then. Fortunately, since Duo needed to get naked, Heero could hide his erection. He swore at himself at how inappropriate he was being. Duo didn't need this right now and he didn't either.

“If you need me, just, uh, call,” Heero stammered, feeling like an ass.

“Ok,” Duo said in a small voice and Heero heard the oddly sexy sound of what he assumed was Duo's gown moving down his body to fall to the floor. His face felt like it was trying to combust as he felt the head of his dick pushing against his jeans. He put his hands over the bulge automatically, even though there was no one there to see it. He heard Duo's feet padding softly on the cold tiles as he walked to the shower, opening and closing the door, the sharp sound of the water following.

Duo got into the shelter of the shower with its frosted door as quickly as possible, shrugging off his gown and underwear and getting into the shower. He didn't take his hair down until he turned the water on. He felt insecure about letting it down in front of Heero, even though he knew that was stupid. If there was anyone he should be ok about letting down his hair around, it was Heero. He made a small content moan as the hot water hit him and he arched his back, closing his eyes as the water soaked his hair, making it heavy. For a few minutes, he just reveled in being wet and warm and feeling the seat and grime and sickness slide off him with the water. It was only when he felt halfway human again that he reached for the soap.

 

*****

 

Heero swore mentally as he heard Duo's heated moan. Fuck, but that sounded hot. He squeezed his eyes shut and started to count backwards from one hundred, hoping that would soothe his tense body. It didn't. This was ridiculous, he told himself, Duo trusted him and this was not the sort of reaction he should be having towards him, no matter how good that little moan had sounded, no matter at his own curiosity wondering what Duo would sound like moaning for more, he was better than that, wasn't he? He wasn't one of Duo's nasty johns who didn't care how much they hurt him as long as they got their rocks off in the end.

Heero wanted very much to take a peek when he heard the water shut off and Duo stepped out of the shower but reminded himself that he had no right to do so, not without Duo's permission, and simply handed Duo a clean gown, still keeping his back turned. As Duo took the gown from Heero, he decided that he was looking forward to his release date just because he would be able to put on real clothes again. He could never put down his guard because of the skimpy outfit and felt so insecure, constantly checking that the back was adequately tied. He felt almost completely better after finally being able to wash himself. His hair felt lighter now that the sweat was gone and he could almost imagine that he could leave today, right now, but as agile as he was on his feet, he still felt weaker and more tired than he should and knew that he would need those two days. He was once again struck with the question of whether he would ever go back to normal or if he had pushed his body too far and this was a good as things were going to get. Still, being able to walk was good enough for him right now.

“Thank you,” he told Heero, “for the shower, I mean. It makes me feel a lot better.”

“I'm glad,” Heero said, his eyes painfully fixed on the door. Duo felt himself blushing again, realizing that he was standing completely naked next to his friend and quickly tugged on his underwear. He had been seen by hundreds of men naked and he knew that he was being silly, but this was Heero. He stood in front of the mirror and stared at his reflection. His hair was soaked, the quick braid he had put together trailing down his back and his long bangs tuck to his face, giving him the appearance of a wet cat. His skin was so pale, it was almost white under the bright lights, ruined by dozens of scars on his bare chest, neck, arms, and even his stomach. He had little muscle mass, but he wasn't quite as skinny as he had been. He curled his hands into fists. His violet eyes looked so weird to him. He looked sick and felt ugly, especially standing so close to Heero. If his friend turned around, would he see how ugly he was, too? He wanted to hide his body, but his eyes were fixed on his reflection. In his darkest moments in that room when he had submerged himself in fantasy just to stay sane, he had imagined that Heero had liked him in that way. It had been a wonderful illusion, but that didn't mean that it was real. Even if Heero could, somehow, like another boy Duo was very sure that he would never fall for him. In that moment, he hated his body more than he ever had before. It had betrayed him so many times in the past and it was doing so again. He was ugly and weak, so why was he finally healing now hat he wanted to stay by Heero's side?

Heero knew that something was wrong when everything was silent for several minutes, but didn't have the courage to turn around until he was absolutely certain that Duo wanted him to. He knew that he hadn't fallen down because he could sense him only a foot from him, but he didn't seem to be moving. Still, Heero was patient and waited. Suddenly, he heard glass shatter and fall on the floor in such an explosion of noise in the silence of the bathroom that his heart actually lurched in his chest. Privacy and humiliation be damned, Heero turned sharply. Duo was just standing there, wearing only a pair of gray, cotton boxers amongst the fallen shards of glass, staring at the place where the mirror had once been, his right hand bleeding from small cuts, some open, some with glass still imbedded in the skin.

Heero was at Duo's side in a second, but to him, it felt like he was moving sluggishly. Duo started to kneel down to pick up one of the glass shards and Heero grabbed his arm, the only place he dared to touch in his state of undress, and pulled him back up.

“Leave it be!” he snapped. Duo struggled against him, but Heero held him still.

“Damn it, Duo, you're going to hurt yourself!”

“Maybe I want to hurt myself!” Duo snarled, still trying to free himself.

“How can you say that?” Heero hissed, the pain in his voice made Duo stop, thinking that he had stepped on some of the glass, but when he looked, he saw that Heero was thankfully wearing shoes. He felt his anger start to wane into bitterness.

“It's not fair,” he murmured.

`Every time I get some good, it just gets taken away from me, my own body betrays me over and over again, and now Heero's going to be leaving me,' he thought, but couldn't voice the thoughts.

“I'm never going to heal, am I?” he asked.

`My mind, heart, soul, whatever you want to call it, is never going to heal. I'm broken and now I'm going to lose the only good thing that's ever happened to me.'

Heero expression turned from frustration to confusion. One minute, Duo was happy about getting a shower, the next he was trying to hurt himself, saying that he was never going to heal. Heero knew that it had nothing to do with his body's progress. He sighed. Duo's gown was still bunched up in his other hand.

“Come on get dressed. We'll get a nurse for your hand and have someone clean this up.”

Duo slipped on the gown and allowed Heero's patient hands to guide him safely around the glass. He had scared him again and he wasn't quite sure how to explain his actions besides telling the truth. He wanted to tell Heero that it didn't' matter. He could be as patient and caring as he wanted, but he still wasn't going to be whole ever again. He was sure of it. Losing Heero had broken him once, but a second time?

 

*****

 

The nurse they found wandering the hallways took care of Duo's hand, which wasn't as cut up as Heero had originally thought, tsking at Duo's carelessness. Heero had told her that he had overestimated his strength and fallen. When he had tried to grab the counter, he smashed his hand against the mirror. It sounded like a stupid story to both of their ears, but the nurse bought it. His mother's words about people rather believing good lies than the bad truth came to him. The only reason why he had decided to lie to her was because he was sure that Stark would want to keep Duo in the hospital if he thought that Duo was intentionally trying to harm himself. He felt angry that Duo had cut up his hand, but understood that there was a good reason for the act, he just had to seek it out. Besides, when Stark found out that Duo had `fallen' when he had specifically warned them of that, he would do enough yelling for both of them.

 

*****

 

The second that Duo settled back into his much-hated hospital bed, he turned his face away from Heero, unable to meet his piercing stare.

“What is wrong with you,” Heero said sternly, unwilling to let him off the hook.

“It's not what you think,” Duo muttered.

“Then what is it?” Heero insisted, keeping his voice soft and patient as he sat on the edge of the bed. Duo looked at him, realizing that the storm he was expecting wasn't going to happen.

“I didn't try to hurt myself. When I bent down, I was just trying to clean it up. I know that it's stupid, but it was just a reflex.”

“Alright,” Heero said, feeling a little bit better knowing that Duo hadn't tried to cut himself, “but why did you break the mirror?”

“I was just anxious and frustrated, it wasn't exactly a conscious decision.”

“What were you anxious about?” Heero questioned. Duo sighed mentally. He was sick of voicing his worries, but this was something he had to say.

“Heero, as soon as I leave this hospital, I'm gone. I don't have a family and I don't have as much as a dollar. Everything I own is at the apartment. I'm fifteen, so it's either the streets again or an orphanage that'll just waste resources on me. There's no way in hell I'm going back to prostitution, so I have to find some way of getting money, but do you honestly think we can keep seeing each other in that situation?”

Heero's face became pained and he frowned. Duo felt bad, realizing that Heero hadn't even thought of that.

“Duo,” he said in a sad, soft voice, “you're going home with mom and me. You're staying with us, you're not going anywhere. I thought you knew that,” the pain in Heero's eyes was intense and he had to look away. He smiled bitterly. Heero had actually believed he was going home with him this entire time?

“Does your mother know that?” he asked.

Heero paused. Truthfully, he realized, they had never discussed what would happen to Duo when he was discharged. Heero had assumed that it was obvious that he was coming home with them, but he realized that his mother had never said that that was what was going to happen. That Duo had assumed that he would just let him disappear into the night after finally finding him again, hurt.

“No, we haven't talked about it,” Heero admitted “but I'm not going to let you disappear on me again!”

Duo felt a pang of guilt. He hadn't really thought about what the future would mean for Heero. He had thought that he would just move on without him but he knew that he, personally, would never be able to move on and he finally realized that Heero was hurting with the thought that he was going to lose a friend.

“Your mother's been so kind to me,” he said softly, “she worked so hard trying to find me and now she's paying for all of my hospital bills. She didn't have to do any of that stuff. Even if it wasn't a lot of money for you guys, she still went out of her way for a stranger. I can't expect her to keep shelling out generosity. I have no way to compensate her for anything that she's done for me and `m sure that she wouldn't want some… moocher living in her house and eating her food!”

Heero sighed.

“You're not a stranger Duo. She likes you and after everything that's happened to you, she wants to help, not for charity or pity, because she knows you're a good person and she cares very deeply about what happens to you. She doesn't expect you to pay her back, she knows that you can't and she doesn't want you to. Knowing my mother, she'd consider it an insult to her character if you tried,” he smiled, “and even if she doesn't want you living with us, she wouldn't leave you high and dry like that.” With every word that he spoke, Heero became more and more confident. He knew for sure that his mother would do whatever she could to get him back on his feet. The thought of Duo living with them indefinitely made his heart pound with a mix of excitement and desire. To be able to see Duo every day, to share his life with him, to never have to just sit by and watch as he disappeared again, that would be a wonderful thing, wouldn't it?

Duo wasn't as convinced as Heero was. It was true that Name was a very kind woman and had gone out of her way for him, but everyone had their limits. Mostly, he couldn't imagine a nobody like him living at that house with Heero and his mother. That fell under `dream come true', but after all the bad things that had happened, he couldn't believe in his dreams anymore, couldn't bear to think of the future. He would never be that lucky. He had loved too long watching his dreams die to believe in them anymore.

 

*****

 

“I thought I told you to keep an eye on him,” Stark snapped at Heero as he checked over Duo's wounded hand. Heero had enough sense to look ashamed.

“I knew I never should have let you have your way. A shower could have waited another day. Damn kids,” the doctor grumbled, “you think you know everything, don't you?”

Heero bristled at the comment but Duo defended him.

“It's my own fault I got hurt, not Heero's. He didn't know anything was wrong and when he did, he made sure that I didn't hurt myself further,” Duo pointed out. Stark seemed to grudgingly accept his words, because he didn't say anything further as he bandaged Duo's hand.

“It doesn't look like there's been anything but superficial damage. You were lucky, just keep it clean and it should heal quickly. Now I want to talk to you about your discharge.”

Duo and Heero became solemn as the doctor handed Duo three slips of paper.

“Your body is healing remarkably well considering the trauma that it went through. However, there will be permanent damage.”

Heero frowned, hundreds of terrible scenarios flashing through is mind. Duo looked at the papers in confusion. He couldn't understand anything that the doctor had written down.

“Those are scripts for the medications you will have to take as soon as you leave here. The first is an all purpose vitamin to stabilize your anemia and malnutrition. It should also help a little for your weak immune system. The second is a slightly weaker dose of the medication you are taking now to help with the withdrawal. The third medication will do what your spleen was doing before we removed it. You will have to take one pill a day of the first and third medication for the rest of your life. Without the chemicals from the medication or your spleen, you will get very sick and probably die. Do you understand?”

Duo nodded frantically, handing the scripts to Heero for safe keeping since he didn't trust himself with them. He had never considered the possibility that he would have to buy medication just to live. He had thought that once he was well enough to leave the hospital, he would be fine. How was he supposed to afford medication? The vitamins and withdrawal aid he could do without, he decided, but the stabilizer sounded like serious business and was probably expensive.

“I know you're feeling much better,” Stark continued, “but you still have a bit of work left gaining back your strength and stamina. Even though I'm releasing you the day after tomorrow, I don't want you to go back to school for at least another week.”

“Ok, that shouldn't be a problem,” Duo said with an odd look in his eye. He waited patiently for the doctor to leave before he released the little dark chuckle he had been holding in.

“What is it?” Heero asked, not finding any humor in anything that Stark had said.

“It won't be a problem because I'm never going back to school,” Duo explained matter-of-factly.

“Duo, I told you, I'm not going to let you become homeless!” Heero insisted. Duo sighed.

“Even if I was living with you, which is not going to happen, I still can't go back to school. Don't you remember? I missed too many classes at the beginning of the year and Khushrenada told me that if I missed anymore, he would have to expel me,” Duo pointed out, “besides, I think over a month's absence is something that he won't be able to ignore.”

“But I'm sure that Treize will be able to pull a few strings for you!” Heero shot back, “you're a good student and he likes you. When he finds out what happened to you, I'm positive he'll let you come back.”

“I don't want anyone to know what happened!” Duo snapped, “The only reason why I told you and Name is because I was drugged out of my mind at the time and I trust you two!”

“Duo,” Heero said in a soft voice, “what are you so worried about? No one's going to judge you for what happened. You were raped, no one could hate you for that.”

Duo shook his head. It overwhelmed him how naive Heero was sometimes.

“You don't know people like I do. I don't want anyone knowing, it's embarrassing. Why are you fighting this so hard anyway? What difference does it make if I go to school or not? It doesn't matter,” Duo said bitterly. Heero ran a hand through his hair in frustration

“Is it so wrong that I want the best for you? After everything that's happened, I want you to be happy and have the life that you deserve, not just because you were hurt, but because you're a good person and you do deserve the best! If I have to fight the whole world for that to happen, then I will! Why do you give up so easily?!” Heero demanded. Duo looked away, unable to meet his blazing stare.

“I gave up on anything better a very long time ago, Heero,” he murmured, “School is just one of those things.”

The two of them lapsed into a mutual, frustrated silence, unable to find the words to console the other.

 

*****

 

The next morning found Duo anxious enough that he actually felt sick. With the news that Duo was definitely going to be released the following morning, due to Stark's pleasure at how well Duo was progressing, Name was taking the day off to be with them. Duo knew that Heero was going to talk to his mother about him coming home with them and he felt like his guilt over so many things was going to disembowel him. He had taken Heero away from school, friends, and his family simply because he was too weak to stand on his own. Name, a woman who had no investment in his well being at all, was going out of her way to see that all of his needs were met. He had caused the both of them a lot of stress and worry since running away and he knew that he could never pay them back for their kindness. Still, despite all of these guilts, the mere option of moving in with Hero, no matter how impossible, made his heart pound. If there had been no strings attached, he would have picked that in a heart beat. But, he couldn't ask Name to support him like that. He was just Heero's friend, not her own child, and he would be taking a lot from them, unable to give anything back. It wouldn't be fair to them and his sense of independence wouldn't allow him to ask of the one thing that he really wanted.

Heero was just as anxious as Duo about his mother's arrival. He was sure that she would assuage Duo's fears about what would be happening to him tomorrow, but he was willing to fight her if that wasn't the case. Duo was going home with him. He had decided that last night while Duo had tossed and turned, unable to sleep, no doubt because of anxiety over his release. He didn't care what it took, it was going to happen. If there was one thing he could be, it was being stubborn to the point of bull headedness. He had never wanted anything as much as this in his entire life. Well, besides the very strong urge to kiss his longhaired best friend, but the two desires were connected.

Name arrived in a casual pair of white jeans and a classy, long sleeved blue shirt with two boxes of pizza balanced in one hand and daffodils in the other. Heero thought that she must have bribed the staff to let her bring the food in, but it was equally as likely that she had just waltzed in with it and no one had dared to stop her. She smiled brightly at Duo as she entered.

“Good morning both of you,” she said happily, “are we excited about getting out of here?” she asked Duo. He nodded.

“It's about damn time,” Heero growled, making Duo smile and Name smirk.

“Patience is a virtue, Heero,” she teased. He glared at her. Name caught Duo sniffing at the intoxicatingly hot pizza boxes and her smile grew. After seventeen years, she knew how to get to teenage boys.

“I thought that we should have a celebration, since this is your last day in this dismal place,” Name explained, “and the least I can do is let your last meal here be a pleasant one,” she hid her sadness at how interested he was at the hot pizza and turned to switch flowers.

“Mom, Duo wants to know where he's going after this,” Heero suddenly blurted out, making Duo flinch.

“And where do you think you're going?” she asked as she threw out the old flowers and refilled the vase with clean water.

“Well, I didn't want to assume anything, I mean, I'm really grateful for everything you and Heero have done for me, but realistically, I know it would be a huge hassle to take care of me and I can't really pay rent or anything-,”

“He thinks we're going to let him go back to the streets,” Heero said in a short, tense voice.

“Don't be silly,” Name scoffed, turning to look at Duo, “of course you're going home with us, honey! I thought that that was obvious. It would be cruel and irresponsible for me to take away a stable environment from you now that you finally have a second chance at life away from that pig of a man.”

“But,” Duo stammered, “you don't have to do that! I wouldn't feel right about it, taking from you like that when I can't give anything back!”

Name brushed his long bangs out of his face and gave him a tender look that was so motherly that he wanted to cry.

“No matter what you take from me, I would consider it yours. I would feel worse making you go off on your own that let you be healthy and finally have a loving home. I do have to do this, because I certainly wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing such a good person was suffering alone because of my actions. If you really want to pay me back, you can do something with these new opportunities, or, more short term, you can help me around the house. Either way, even if I have to hunt you down and drag you to the house, you will come back with us,” she said forcefully, in a tone that Duo didn't dare argue with. He nodded.
“Thank you,” he murmured. Hope and relief filled him and he felt like he was choking on them, making further words impossible for him. He felt something tight and heavy release deep inside of him and tears threatened his vision.

“Thank you,” he repeated, “I can't say that enough, but thank you.”

Name smiled kindly and patted his shoulder.

Heero watched his friend's struggle with his emotions and felt his own struggle trying to match it. As much as he had told himself that, no matter what, his mother's opinion didn't matter and Duo was coming home with him, he had still felt anxious about it. But, now his desire was pure fact. He wanted to cry out in joy. Duo was going to be living in the same house as him! But, he contained it for the sake of his pride, though he was unable to stop his grin.

“Now, then, both of you eat,” Name ordered.

Heero opened the pizza boxes, handing Duo a slice and watching as his friend ate slowly, but happily. His mind whirled with thoughts. Never again would he have to worry about Duo leaving after a weekend. Never again would he have to be afraid and wonder about Duo's welfare while he was warm and safe in his bed. The three of them lapsed into silence as they ate.

 

*****

 

The next morning found Duo standing in the bathroom wearing a pair of jeans and grey sweater, staring at himself in the mirror. He could hardly recognize himself wearing such things. They made him look… classy, but they were also casual and didn't make him feel out of place. It was strange how a little thing like clothes made him feel human again and less like a piece of rotting meat. He looked so neat, composed, and clean; it was a little bit odd to him. He looked down to his thin wrist. His medical bracelet was there, white with `Maxwell, Duo,' typed in neat block letters across it All the forms had been filled out and Name and Heero were waiting for him. All he had had to do was get dressed rip off the bracelet, and go home. What a strange phrase that was! Home… not even an apartment, but an actual house. A familiar place that was his. Some place safe and warm where no one would hurt him… his dream home… Heero would be there and Name and Trowa and Quatre… if he thought about that long enough, he would start to cry again, and he had done enough of that last night when he had hoped that Heero was asleep. All he had to do was rip off the stupid piece of paper, walk out the door, and he could go home with Heero and try to find out what true family, true security, true happiness felt like, so why was he just standing here, looking at the bracelet?

He was a sentimental person, he knew that much about himself and he knew that, to him, it wasn't just a medical bracelet.

When he had been much younger, living on the streets before he had ever met Wes, he had had a habit of hoarding things. It was one of his earliest memories. He had been four, maybe three, he couldn't remember. He had been so hungry, lacking the skills and knowledge to adequately survive that he would be forced to learn quickly after that. A man had approached him off the street and, reaching into one of the many grocery gags he had been carrying, had given him a bright red apple. Despite being hungry and desperate, he had kept that apple until it had become moldy and rotted and, finally, had turned to dust, simply because no one had ever been kind to him before. It was the same now. It was just a stupid piece of paper with his name on it, he knew that, but there was so much more attached to it. It was a symbol of his weakness, his frustrated feelings, his pain, it was a reminder of all the bad things that had happened and how easily his body had almost been destroyed. He frowned. He could think that, but it wasn't that simple…

He heard the door open and looked back to see Heero enter the bathroom. Heero paused as he took Duo in with his new clothes.

“Wow,” he said, amazed, “you look really good,” Heero's heart pounded at the sight of him.

Duo blushed deeply, not used to compliments.

“How long have you been standing here?” Heero asked nervously, remembering what happened last time. Duo shrugged.

“I was just thinking, wondering if I should throw this out or not,” he explained, gesturing to his wrist, holding it up. Heero looked at the bracelet and back to Duo.

“Have you decided yet?”

Duo nodded.

“I think I'll keep it as a reminder that… that there are people who care about me,” Duo looked away in embarrassment, “if it weren't for you and your mother, I'd be dead. That's a fact. So, I want to keep this, so if I ever have any doubts, I can remember how much you guys love me.”

Heero smiled and put a hand on his shoulder, making Duo look up at him again.

“If you're going to keep it to remind yourself that we love you, also keep it to remind yourself that you have the strength to survive. I may have brought you here and Mom may have paid for you treatment, but it's because of your own strength that you're standing here right now.”

Duo nodded, taking off the bracelet, folding it, and putting it in his pocket.

“Come on,” Heero said, “Mom's waiting for us. Let's go home.”

 

*****

 

Duo's heart pounded as Name escorted them to a sleek, black car that gleamed under the bright sun. It was a beautiful day, though it was a bit chilly, several layers of glistening snow on the ground. Duo blinked dumbly in the light, his eyes watering as they tried to adjust to the sudden burst of color and light in comparison to the stark white it was used to after a week in the bland and sterile hospital. The soft sounds of singing birds were a welcome in comparison to the sharp sounds of a heart monitor. The crisp air was thick with the sweet smell of pine Duo shivered a little in the cold, but was glad for the sensation. He got into the back seat with Heero and curled up against the window. He was going home to that wonderful, white house with its wide lawn and clean windows. He had a home. It had a roof and carpets and even a garage! He was going to lie in the place that he had retreated to in his darkest moments. He was going to live with people who liked him and had no desire to fuck him. His heart beat wildly in his chest. He was going to go live with the most powerful person on the planet and the boy that he loved…

On the ride, Name and Heero kept silent, realizing how overwhelmed Duo was at all of the changes he was about to go through, but Heero kept an eye on him in case he started to hyperventilate. Duo's heart was going a mile a minute as they drove past houses that were a little bit familiar to him. He pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the window and felt himself want to shake, but he tightened his muscles and bore it. What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he feel so transparent and paper thin? The idea of living in a house like a normal person was daunting at the very least, but mostly, he hadn't been normal a day in his life and he felt lost. He didn't know how to act in these situations or what would be expected of him. In that moment, he yearned for the familiarity of his old life. It was fleeting, but strong. It would be nice to have something familiar to retreat to, but he had nothing. He felt like jumping out of his skin, it was disconcerting and he knew that he should feel happy about this change and he was, but he still felt the overwhelming sensation of alienation. He curled tighter into his little ball and concentrated solely on his breathing. He wanted his cats. He wanted to hug them, play with them, feel their fur and warmth and affection. He wondered how they were doing, if they were all still alive. Toby could take care of himself, he had been taking care of Shiva and Sammy since they were babies and wasn't sure if they knew how to survive on their own as well as the adult cats. Then there were Patches and her unborn kittens… and what about Shi and Solo and Hi? Were they doing ok? They were probably pretty worried about him. They probably thought that he was dead, that's what he would think.

Name pulled the car into the garage and opened Duo's door for him, but made sure not to crowd him, wanting him to take his time and feel comfortable. She felt like she was herding a wounded deer, every step had to be carefully thought out or he could bolt. He didn't have any bags, just his medication. The clothes he had had were gone. They had been soaked in blood and the surgeon had had to cut them in order to operate. Heero felt like he had before when he had been helping Duo to walk. He kept his hand next to Duo's as they walked into the house, just in case he needed something to hold on to.

Duo took his first steps into the house with his eyes wide open. It seemed like, no matter how much he took in, it still wasn't enough. There was a green rug when first entered that had the woven, clover leaves on it, the table with pictures of Heero and his parents when he was little, the cream and white colored walls that had various beautiful paintings on them and the large, glistening windows that look outside to the perfect yard. As he looked around in the hallway, he was amazed to find that almost nothing had changed since he had last been here. The biggest change was the flower vase with red roses on the hallway table. He didn't remember much from the night he had broken in, only tones of muted gray and terrible pain, so when he looked at the floor, though he knew that it was silly, he expected to see puddles of blood and water there. He suddenly realized that Name had had to go home to it and had cleaned up his bloody mess all over the floor, stairs, and especially in Heero's room where he had lain down to die. A wave of dizziness hit him and his steps faltered, but Heero grabbed his arm and righted him

“I don't remember,” he said shakily, “it's so hard, I barely remember that night, it's so fuzzy. It hurt so much, I was so sure I was going to die. All I could do was come back here. This place… it's the only place I've ever felt safe, I've ever considered a home… but it's the same, nothing's change…” Duo lapsed into silence. His head felt like it was tearing in two. This house was so big and opulent, it felt wonderful just being here, but he also felt out of place and disgusting among the cream colored walls and paintings.

“Come on,” Heero said in a gentle voice, leading Duo to the stars, “you'll feel better if you lie down.”

Duo nodded. He knew that Stark had told him to relax and take it easy since it would be awhile for him to get his strength back, but he hated being weak. As they got to the top of the stairs, Duo stared at a painting of a red barn that was there. Heero stopped with him, confused as Duo simply stared at it for several minutes. Name watched the two of them from behind Heero, but didn't say anything.

“Is that a new painting?” Duo asked finally.

“No,” Heero said, still confused, “it's been here since we unpacked it when we moved in.”

Duo's eyes stayed fixed on the painting.

“I don't remember it,” he murmured, feeling panic start to boil in his stomach.

“Duo, we have a lot of paintings, you probably just didn't notice it before,” Heero tried to assume him. Duo shook his head.

“No, it's my memory…”

 

“Have you ever experienced memory loss?”

 

“When I was shot up with KL6 and locked in that dark room with men raping me day and night, I came back here in my mind, it was my safe place... I remembered every little detail of this place, I had to, to keep my mind intact. I remember every single painting, all of them, except for this one…” Duo struggled to remember, digging deeper and deeper into his mind for any memory of the picture, but a sharp pain in his head made him stop.

“Duo?” Heero asked worriedly. Duo grabbed his arm.

“I… I think I do need to take a nap,” he said and continued down the hall. He immediately went for Heero's room, but Heero steered him one more room down, to one of the guest rooms. Name bit her lip at Duo's words, the reminder of the horrors he had gone through while they had been frantically looking for him and the lost look in his eyes as he was led away from Heero's room.

“Heero, where am I going?” Duo asked. The room wasn't quite as daunting as Heero's, but it was still much bigger than his tiny room in the apartment. He remembered this room from his tour the first day he had come over, but someone had done quite a bit of remodeling. The walls had been cream and the room had been completely barren except for the linen less bed the last time he had seen it. The walls were now painted a beautiful, earthy green and the bed was made with downy-looking sheets that were navy with silver stars. There was an adjoining bathroom of his own that was decorated with sea shells and fish wall paper. The biggest difference was the TV in the corner with various game systems and a book shelf that was completely filled with book and DVD cases. He stood froze at the threshold a he slowly came to the realization that this room had been decorated for him.

“I thought that it made more sense for you to have a room of your own,” Name said from behind him, “after all, you can't live in Heero's room forever.”

Her comment made Heero snort, his and Name's eyes glued to Duo, trying to read his reaction to the room.

“When?” he said in a voice so small that they almost missed it Name smiled.

“When I started to look for you and I realized that there was something very wrong about your father, I thought that you might need some place to stay. When I left the hospital the first night you were admitted, I bought the paint, wallpaper, and games. I thought it would make you feel more at home.”

Duo felt tears start to escape his iron-clad control. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he so… airy today? Name had known, all that time, she had had the intention to have him stay… there had been no doubt in her mind and there had been so many in his. This room was going to be his? Just his? A safe place, a sanctuary where no one could just burst in and hurt him. Not only that, but Name had gone through so much just to make him comfortable. Still, he would miss sleeping next to Heero. It had been so comforting, knowing that there was someone who cared about him only a few feet away.

“There are clothes in the closet and drawers,” Name informed him, “they might be a little big on you, though, but I thought that bigger clothes might be better once you start to gain some weight.”

Duo blinked. He had clothes. Big clothes, not skin tight or revealing. Everything in this room was his, even the television. He turned, walked past Heero, and hugged his mother.

“Thank you,” he said breathlessly, “no one's ever been this kind to me before.”

Name rubbed her cheek against his hair, letting a few overwhelmed tears escape, and hugged him tightly.

“You don't have to thank me for this. Just be happy, ok, Duo?”

He nodded.

“I am,” he murmured.

“You should take a nap,” she said releasing him, feeling a little bit embarrassed about her emotion, but Duo's desperate need for affection soothed it over.

Duo felt weary and hollow and retreated to the bathroom with a pair of pajama t-shirt and boxers that he dug out of one of the drawers. He took a look around the bathroom and felt warm. He liked it in here, though he didn't know if it was because of the sweet smelling soap, the lock on the door, or the brightly colored fish on the walls. He quickly left the bathroom and slipped into bed. He wasn't used to any normal ritual, so when Name closed the shades with an air of that sort of ritual, he felt odd, good, but odd, as though he should have done it himself. The bed was achingly soft and comfortable in comparison to all the other beds he had slept and fucked in and he barely had enough time to snuggle into the pillows before sleep started to hit him like a rainfall of bricks. With a gentle smile on her face, Name pulled up the covers.

“Night, sweetie. I'll wake you for dinner, ok?”

Duo nodded, meeting Heero's eyes.

“Thank you,” he repeated, his tired eyes slipping shut.

“Good night, Duo,” Heero murmured and left the room as silently as he could.

 

*****

 

Heero briefly looked back as he closed the door, a bit worried at Duo's shell shocked behavior.

“Heero, he'll be fine, he just needs time to adjust to everything,” Name assured him.

“He was doing so much better yesterday, but now he's so tired again.”

His mother sighed.

“He just went through a huge change of scenery, Heero. He just got released from the hospital, he needs a little time to regain his footing.”

Heero ran a hand through his hair.

“I know that, I'm just… worried. It's all too much too fast for him and that thing with the painting… this isn't the first time that he's forgotten something.”

“Well, with how much that man beat him, I'm not surprised he's having memory problems, Heero, but it doesn't seem to happen all that often,” she pointed out. Heero nodded and she gave him a piercing look.

“Don't you have homework?”

“Mom!” Heero whined.

“You're going to school tomorrow, Heero, that's final. Duo's not going anywhere.”

“Fine,” he grumbled, but quietly walked to his room.

 

*****

 

Heero finished his homework before dinner and woke Duo up. It was just a simple meal of grilled salmon, onion soup, and rice pilaf since Duo's doctor had advised against rich food at first. Duo was still tired and out of it and he was so glad just to be eating real food and not microwave pre-prepared hospital food that he ate everything in front of him before slinking back to bed like a cat.

It wasn't what Heero had thought, the first night of having Duo with them. He realized that Duo's progress in the hospital had made him think that his friend was all better, but he knew now that that was far from the truth. Duo could walk without a limp, but he was emotionally unstable, which, in Heero's view, he had every right to be at this point in his life, and his stamina was almost nonexistent. He was glad to have him here and safe, regardless of his mental and physical health and he supposed that it was a good sign that he was sleeping so deeply. He'd rather have him sleep a lot than not at all. With a sigh, he went to his room. After an entire week spending almost every second by Duo's side, it felt weird and wrong to be away from him. He had the strong desire to sit by Duo's bedside and watch him sleep, but didn't want to risk waking him over something so small. He had gone through a lot of emotional shock today and needed to rest. He realized that tomorrow would be his first day back at school in a week. He hadn't even touched his car since the night he had picked Duo up. His mother had brought it hoe, but it was his car and his responsibility, so he would probably have to check the tank before he took it tomorrow and make sure his negligence hadn't created any problems. If he got everything ready for school tonight, he could spend more time with Duo tomorrow morning. He wanted to let him sleep, but knew that Duo would want to say goodbye when he left for school. He was unsure about leaving him all alone in the house tomorrow, but knew that his mother was right, he had to go back to school at some point and Duo was safer at the house than any other place on the planet. With how tired he was, he would probably just nap most of the day and he had things to keep himself occupied. Being alone in the house would give him the space to feel comfortable and get used to his new home. If there was a problem, he could always call his mother. Of course, this was Duo he was talking about and he would probably hesitate before asking anyone for help. He shook his head and shoved his books into his bag. Duo would be fine. Though he was still recovering, he could take care of himself, as much as Heero would miss taking care of him, he was glad for that.

 

*****

 

The silver Lamborghini was sitting in its spot in the garage, looking forlorn and abandoned. She looked clean and well taken care of, but he still opened the driver's side door to check the gas.

Heero jerked back and stumbled away from the car in disgusted shock. Bile rose in his throat as that night came back in harsh flashes. He wrapped his arms around himself. It was so cold… The blood was still there, a dried puddle on the seat, the windshield splattered with it, and flecks of it on the passenger side window. Heero tore his eyes away from the gruesome scene. He had completely forgotten about the blood. The car had sat in the garage for a week, stained in his best friend's blood. He had forgotten… his mother had driven this car home and had seen evidence of his failure, of his greatest mistake. Duo had almost died because of him… He shuddered, crawling into the driver's seat, and, with tentative fingers, touched the blood on the windshield. This was Duo's blood… he drew his hand away in a flinch. The blood was completely dry, but he could see blood on his fingers. He knew that it wasn't really there, but he could feel it on his skin, hot and wet. He uselessly wiped his hands on his pants and sat there, staring into space. He felt so lost. He felt sick. Looking at the blood made him feel ill. He should just get rid of it, right? That was the sensible thing to do. But… something was holding him back. The blood was proof of Duo's existence. Destroying it would be like destroying Duo. A thought like that was stupid, of course, Duo was alive and he didn't need a silly blood stain to see that, but the feeling was still strong, a strange fear of washing the blood away. It also served a reminder of his colossal screw up, of the fact that he had let his anger almost kill Duo. He rubbed at his eyes and got out of the car to grab some cleaner from under the kitchen sink. This was his car and he would have to use it to drive Duo around. How he felt about the blood stain was pointless. His feelings for Duo's shadow were nothing compared to his feelings for the real thing.

 

 

*****

 

Duo awoke feeling like he had slept longer and better than he ever had in his entire life. The house was blissfully quiet in comparison to the apartment which had been sandwiched between a Chinese restaurant and a busy street while the Yuy house was on a secluded street closer to the woods than the highway. Name had really thought of everything and there was a decorative orb on the desk that gave off a soft, homey glow, destroying the total darkness. The lamp light from the street had a similar effect, not right enough to keep him awake, but there was enough light to keep him from having a panic attack. The bed was amazingly comfortable and he felt like he could stay there for the rest of the week and be perfectly happy to do so. The room was larger than the hospital room and his room in the apartment, so though he woke up with a heavily sleep-muddled brain and a bit confused as to where he was, he was sure that it was some place different. The events of yesterday came to him rather quickly, though, and he looked around the room. His eyes fell on the TV and bookshelves and he felt a pang of guilt. He didn't want to think about how much all of this had cost Name. Not as much as his bills cost, probably, but that was different. He had never really owned anything besides his clothes, he had never been able to afford anything and he hadn't been allowed to watch Wes' TV. All of his experience with games and movies was from the time he had slept over with Heero. He didn't feel like he deserved any of it, but would Name be upset if he told her to take it back? And if he didn't use it, it would be such a waste… he burrowed deep into the covers, almost purring with how cozy he felt. He was still tired and shaky, but not quite so overwhelmed. He was going to be living with Name and Heero for as long as fate allowed and his fractured mind was finally starting to accept that. It was six in the morning and he knew that he should get up since he had done nothing but sleep yesterday, but he felt too comfortable to move without a very good reason. His eyes closed again, but he didn't fall back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he opened his eyes at the sound of someone knocking on the door.

“Duo, can I come in?” he heard Heero call.

“Yeah!”

Heero came into the room, already dressed for school, and smirked as he saw Duo curled up on his side, the covers up to his chin.

“Comfy?” he teased. Duo nodded.

“This is really my room?” the longhaired boy asked.

“Of course,” Heero said and his heart melted as he noticed how cute and kittenish Duo looked, his large violet eyes peaking over the covers at him. The urge to lean over and kiss him was incredibly strong, but its power scared him. He fought against it and managed to just smile at his friend.

“I have to go to school in a little while. If you want, Mom's making breakfast, or you can just go back to sleep,” he offered.

“I want to eat with you two!” Duo exclaimed and tossed the covers off of him. Heero blushed as he was treated to the sight of Duo's long, pale legs.

“I'll be by myself today?” Duo asked.

“Yeah, just until mom gets back from work and I'll be home at two-thirty,” Heero assured him. “Are you feeling better?”

Duo nodded.

“I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday.”

“It's fine,” Heero said, “you're entitled to act human from time to time, Duo.”

Duo blushed.

“You can do whatever you want when we're gone. This is your home now, too,” Heero reminded him. Duo was shocked into silence. He kept forgetting that he wasn't just a guest anymore. This was his home and he could go exploring if he wanted. He had expected to just stay in this room while they were gone, and he probably would, but just that he could go anywhere he wanted without having to ask anyone's permission was really something. Despite himself, a bright smile grew on his face as the truth finally dawned on him. He was a part of Heero's life now. They would see each other day and night, share meals, and hang out together. He wondered, despite all attempts to stop the thought, what Wes was doing right now and what he would think and do if he knew where he was and what was happening. With Heero so close to him, banishing the thoughts was much easier than he had thought it would be.

“I'll be down in a few minutes,” he told Heero. The blue eyed boy nodded and left him to get dressed. Duo knew that he could get away with going downstairs in his pajamas, especially after being seen in his hospital gown for a week, but it just didn't feel right to him. He, however, didn't make his bed as he planned on slipping back into it after Name and Heero had left. He felt a small pang of strange guilt at being so lazy and unproductive. Wes never would have stood for it and he wasn't used to having such a long stretch of time with no orders and nothing to do. At the same time that it bothered him it was also kind of nice. When he had been living with Wes, which was such an odd thing to think of as past tense, there had always been something he needed to do or he was so exhausted he couldn't do anything but sleep. He wondered what he was going to do now, what the future would hold. He couldn't go to school and he didn't think that Name would approve of him sitting in the house all day. She had told him to make something of his lie, but how was he supposed to do that? Right now, he couldn't bear to leave the house. There was this odd darkness inside him, a sort of hysteria, and it boiled at the thought of leaving his shell.

“Good morning, Duo, are you feeling better?” Name greeted as he stepped in to the kitchen, already fixing a breakfast for Heero and him. He nodded.

“Morning, Name. I don't feel so tired today.”

Name smiled at that and handed him a plate filled with bacon, waffles, and strawberries.

“I'm glad to hear that. Now, let's have a nice breakfast before Heero goes to school and I have to go to work. If this is too rich for your stomach, tell me and I'll make you something else, ok?”

Duo blushed, but nodded and sat down next to Heero still not used to the special treatment. Heero and Duo ate in friendly silence as Name made scrambled eggs for herself and sat down with them. Duo's stomach still wasn't accustomed to the rich waffles and bacon, but it tasted good and he ate it anyway, drinking three glasses of skin milk like a man dying of thirst. Heero and Name shared a look at Duo's clear exuberance for the beverage, but didn't say anything. Name made a mental note to buy more on her way home, they would need it if this was going to be a regular thing.

“I should be back around noon,” she told Duo, “and Heero will be back at two-thirty. Are you sure you'll be ok here all by yourself?”

“Yeah,” Duo assured her, “it's only a few hours and it's been awhile since I've been here. It'll be nice.”

Name and Heero's worries mostly abated, the three of them finished breakfast. Duo tried to help Name do the dishes, but she threatened to hit him with a broom if he didn't spend some time with Heero. The two boys went back upstairs to Duo's room where Heero spent the rest of the half hour he had before he had to leave for school showing Duo how the TV and various game systems worked and they played a racing game for a few minutes, which ended in a tie, each of them winning one round.

“Heero, school!” Name yelled from downstairs as Heero and Duo were shutting down the game.

“Coming!” he called as he ran to his room to grab his back pack. Duo followed him downstairs, feeling like a puppy trying to follow his master wherever he went, but as much as he was looking forward to the first moments to himself for a very long time, he also really didn't want Heero to leave, even if it was just for a few hours.

 

*****

 

Duo watched Heero drive off with fear squeezing his heart. After everything, he was scared of losing the only good thing that had stayed with him. He knew that Heero would be back, but his sudden, abrupt absence scared him. Name put a comforting hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly.

“My cell phone number is on the kitchen table. If you need anything, no matter how small, I want you to call me, ok?”

Duo nodded.

“I will.”

She smiled softly at him and left in her own car. Duo took a deep breath and closed the front door, locking it, something he had never done before, but he was amazed at the level of security it gave him. He glanced at the security system, pondering turning it on. Name said that he could if he wished, but didn't have to. Still, he felt safer in this house than he had ever been in his entire life and that feeling of `safe' was quickly becoming addicting. He punched in the code and walked away from the door to the hallway. His bare feet felt comfortable on the plush rug and he continued to walk, exploring a little. In the hallway was the laundry room, which was actually quite small and normal looking compared to the rest of the house smelled pleasantly of lavender detergent. He passed by the stairs and the kitchen. The kitchen was quite large, the floor made of smooth slate that felt soft and cool, the counters made of shimmering black quartz with chips of white and silver. There was the tall, silver refrigerator, the white sink, and dark brown, mahogany cabinets and the pantry that was large enough to live in. The kitchen table itself was wood since Name had once told him that she disliked glass table tops since they had to be constantly cleaned. Various house plants had been placed around the house and at the thought of helping to take care of them, he felt a sharp pang of loss towards his own non-human family. He had only spent a couple of weekends here, but he knew this house well, he knew each guest room, the large family room with its huge TV and entertainment center, the red couch and blue armchair that was so comfortable to sit in, it was more like a bed than a chair. He knew that Name's bedroom was on the first floor and its door would be closed, just like all the other times. He wouldn't go in there, even if she had told him that he could go anywhere in the house. It seemed wrong to do so, like an invasion. Duo knew that, past all of the guest rooms and the large, opulent dining room that he was too intimidated by to venture into, the hallway would curve and end at the cellar door, a stair case leading down to the basement which was the size of three guest rooms and Duo thought of as a sort of cave, dark, but safe and inviting.

Despite his pointless wonderings, Duo ended up in his bedroom after a few minutes. He made a beeline for the bed, slipping back under the covers and snuggling against the pillows. Warmth covered his body and he closed his eyes. He let his stress leave him for a moment, just feeling the softness of the linen and how relaxing it was to simply lay down with nothing that needed to be done and no hurts that needed to be dealt with. He lay still for an hour, opening his eyes lazily at the clock, telling him that it was 7:45. He rolled over on his side and grabbed the remote on the bedside table, turning the TV on. He rearranged the pillows so he could sit up and watch. He flipped through the channels; past talk shows that made him roll his eyes at the utter fakeness of it all and paused on a cartoon. As a child, he had heard of cartoons, but he had never seen one. It was juvenile and obvious and, he thought, pretty mindless at parts, but there was something entertaining in the bright colors and high-pitched voices. He watched the early morning cartoons until nine, then rolled out of bed. In only a coupled of hours, he felt more normal than he had in his entire life. Sleeping in, watching TV, eating a home cooked meal, they were such small, simple things, but until now, he had never indulged in them like that. He stripped off his clothes and retreated to the bathroom to take a shower. He lounged in the hot water for another forty-five minutes, even though there was a small stab of guilt inside of him for using so much water, washing his hair and body thoroughly before stepping out. He combed his hair and braided it, ignoring the sudden impulse to just leave it loose since there was no one around to see him. He hated how unconcerned he felt, walking around naked in a strange room, but he had done it so many times before that it didn't really bother him like it should. He put the sweat pants and shirt back on and stood in the middle of his room.

It was quiet. This room, this house, everything was still and silent. There was no one here but himself and the beating of his own heart, which was now beating faster and faster as he realized just how alone he was.

 

Duo's eyes stared into darkness. He couldn't close them, his body was no longer his own. Was he still breathing? He couldn't tell, how could you know your own heart was beating? It was so dark, the shadows pressing down on him like a vice. He just wanted to close his eyes and feel his heart beat, just for a minute. The bed dipped and heavy hands spread his legs wide, rearranging his limbs like a child would do with a lifeless doll, Duo's eyes staring flatly, sightlessly in the dark. The man's weight pressed down on him, but Duo's thin body didn't even flinch as it was roughly penetrated, though inside he was screaming and desperately trying to escape the silence.

 

His heart raced and Duo gasped for breath, hyperventilating. It was quiet, just like before, there was no one here, no one to keep the darkness away and soon, the pain would start and he wouldn't be able to even scream. He stumbled out of the room, his hand feeling blindly at the wall. It was so cold… A hand gripped at his shoulder and he gave out a choked cry, fighting the phantom off. His chest as tight, he couldn't get enough air into his spasming lungs. He needed shelter… he needed to breathe…

His shaky legs brought him to Heero's room and he became weak, crashing into the floor. He curled up on the floor, his numb fingers grabbing at a discarded night shirt and he clutched it to his chest. In and out… he tried to get more air. There was more of it in here. Heero's smell… it was strong in here and it filled him with strength. The pressure started to lessen around his heart and sweet air filled his lungs. He burrowed his face into the shirt. He wasn't alone, right? Heero would come home and then he would see, the shadows wouldn't come, he just had to get a hold of himself.

Minutes passed and Duo finally had enough feeling left in his body to crawl over to Heero's bed, leaning against it, still holding his shirt. He felt so alone, but being here among Heero's things made him feel better. A strained laugh filled the room. A couple of hours alone and he was shaking. How the hell was he supposed to survive this way? He had been alone for as long as he could remember, living in alley corners with only the rats to keep him company. He had survived so much, how could a few weeks chained to a bed bring him down so quickly? He wrapped his arms around his knees, Heero's shirt in his lap. He laughed, unable to stop until it finally dissolved into tears. He was broken, truly broken. After all of this time, his mind had finally snapped. The darkness, the loneliness, the silence… all of that pain… it had broken him so damn quickly… how could he fight against this? That was all that he knew, fighting until he could no longer stand, but he didn't know how anymore, he just couldn't… he didn't have the will to fight anymore. The only thing that was keeping the worst of his demons at bay was this house and the security it had always provided, even in his worst moments. As long as he was here, the shadows wouldn't come…

The sharp sound of the doorbell made Duo's head shoot up. He looked over at Heero's clock. 10:36 A.M. Name would be home in little over an hour and he couldn't think of anyone who would be stopping by. Maybe it was Quatre or Trowa, but that didn't seem likely. Heero had told him that Quatre had thought the idea of going to school with him and Trowa was exciting. Even if they weren't at school today with Heero, Name had told them to give Duo his space for a few days. In the meantime, they were staying at a hotel. Duo hated to admit it, but the fewer people crowding him right now, the better. He needed Name and Heero by his side in order to cope, but being coddled by his other two friends would be too overwhelming. In a neighborhood like this, he was sure that it wasn't some kind of solicitor. The bell rang again and Duo stood to his feet, dropping Heero's shirt. His heart pounded in excitement at the thought of talking to another human being, but his chest tightened in fear, too. He wasn't quite sure what desire made him go down the stairs and open the door, his need for human touch or his need to know that he was safe, but he stopped by the kitchen first, grabbing a knife, just in case. There were still only a handful of people he felt he could trust and he didn't think that his fear of people was ever going to go away. He opened the door and looked up into Treize's light blue eyes.

“Hello, Duo,” the man greeted with a soft smile, “can I come in?”

 

*****

 

Duo stared up at his ex-principal in shock. He couldn't figure out why he was here, especially during school hours. His grip tightened on the knife handle. His first impulse was to slam the door in the man's face and call Name. He wasn't supposed to be here! In all of the scenarios he had run in his head, he had never once thought that anyone from school would come looking for him. Treize patiently waited for the shock to leave Duo's eyes. Duo nodded.

“Ok, come in.”

 

*****

 

Duo couldn't help but feel that it wasn't quite his place to invite Treize into the house, but his remaining respect for the man's authority led him into the kitchen. Treize sat at the table, watching Duo as he remained standing and leaned against the kitchen counter, putting down the knife.

“Can I get you a coffee or tea, Mr. Khushrenada?” Duo asked, playing the host. He had to remind himself that Treize didn't know a thing, but when his light blue eyes met his, he felt like the man could see right through him.

“No, I'm fine. Sit down, Duo, we need to have a talk,” Treize ordered. Duo paled, realizing the trouble he was in. If Treize reported him to the police, he would be taken away. He sat at the table, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“How did you know I would be here?” he asked. Despite the fact that they were sitting in the Yuy's kitchen, Duo felt like they were in Khushrenada's office and he was about to be scolded. Treize gave a small grin.

“Heero may be tight lipped, but you friend, Chang, is not and though he never admitted anything to me, news of where you are staying has traveled fast.”

Duo swore internally. He vowed that he was going to punch Wufei in the stomach the next time that he saw him.

“Well, you've asked a question, so now it's my turn. Where have you been for a month, Duo? I told you that I would have to expel you if you missed anymore classes and I hope that you had a very good reason for throwing your education away,” Treize said, watching Duo like a hawk with a fish. Duo looked away. Already his mind was working over time, trying to come up with a feasible lie. He thought about telling Treize that he had run away from home and the Yuy's had taken him in, not the best lie, but it was all he could come up with under Treize's unrelenting stare. However, it was Heero's voice that stopped him from saying it.

 

“Is it so wrong that I want the best for you?”

 

With a sigh, Duo rubbed at his eyes. Treize lost his stern look as weariness swept over the youth's face. He had always been vulnerable to this particular boy's suffering. He just looked so vulnerable, no human should ever look like that.

“I'm really, really sorry, sir,” Duo said solemnly, “but I've been lying to you. I know that you've been trying to contact my father, but the truth is, you'll never be able to reach him.”

Treize stayed silent, allowing the boy to talk. He realized that, after all of this time, all of this wondering, he was finally going to know what was going on in the Maxwell household and, maybe, he would finally learn what it was about him that bothered him so much.

“Everything about me that you think you know is a lie,” Duo admitted, the truth spilling forth like water from a broken faucet, “my address, my phone number, even my father, none of it's real. The person you're trying to reach is just some guy that picked me off the street when I was seven. Yeah, he's the closest thing to a father I've ever had, but he isn't my dad. My first memories are of the streets. That's where I was `born' and where I lived the first half of my life. I don't remember my parents, my real age or name. I call myself Duo because that was the first thing I could read and say, I just got it off of a discarded scrap of newspaper. I was all alone back then, until I met my `guardian', but his name is Wes, not whatever it says in my file. He took me off the streets and brought me to his home. He said that he would give me food and shelter if I did something for him. I agreed, but it was a lie. He raped me, turned me into a whore. He gave me enough food to keep me from starving, and let me stay in his apartment so I wouldn't freeze, but it was never free. I let him rape me for years for the scraps that he gave me. And when I was old enough, I begged him to let me go to school. It cost me a lot of pain and humiliation, but he eventually agreed, but he told me that if school ever got in the way, I wouldn't be going anymore, he would chain me to a bed, keep me drugged, and let men fuck me for the rest of my life. I worked really hared and I got into high school. It was all I had and though I knew that I could never have better in my life, I still wanted an education! It was only when I was too sick and bleeding to stand that I didn't come to school. There were days that I was in so much pain, I thought I would black out, but I still went! Even being bullied by thugs like Zechs Merquise didn't deter me from showing up, but I dealt with that. I let him fuck me, too, because I learned that it didn't really matter anymore,” Duo's words were heated, almost hysterical and tears dripped down his cheeks, but he didn't wipe them away, he didn't want to draw any attention to them, “I thought that I didn't care about what happened to me or my body, but when I met Heero, that changed. He was my first real, normal friend and when he found out about Zechs and me, I ran. And I stayed away because I was too scared to face him. I thought I could handle things, but I couldn't. I tried to run away from home, but Wes found me. He did what he had always told me he would do, he chained me to his bed shot me up with enough drugs that I couldn't fight back, and had me raped day after day. I spent two weeks like that until he decided, for some reason, to let me go. Heero found me after that. I was sick, probably dying, but he saved me. I spent the last week in a hospital, thinking that I would end up on the streets as soon as I was better, but out of the goodness of her heart, Mrs. Yuy let me stay here as long as I needed a home. I've accepted the fact that I can never go back to school, so I really don't know what you expect me to do now,” Duo slumped into his chair, finally wiping at his tears. He looked over at Treize, feeling some pleasure at his shocked expression. He was probably the only person to make him look so pale and disturbed. Treize pinched his nose his eyes looking lost and tired.

“I'm… very sorry, Duo,” Treize struggled with his words. Somewhere in the town that he loved and had grown up in, was a man who had raped a helpless child and no justice had been brought down on his head. Really, there was no justice for something so… wrong.

Duo shrugged.

“It's not your fault and it's not a huge problem. At least I'm not homeless anymore!” he tried to joke, but it fell flat in the silence and seriousness of the room.

“Yes, it is a huge problem,” Treize snapped, “it's wrong. You're a bright, incredible person and you deserve better! Out of all the students I've talked to, you deserve a good education the most, because I know, I've always known, that you'll do great things with it! Have you told the police?” he demanded, rage boiling in him, building into a storm. Duo shook his head.

“I'm a minor, so even if Wes got arrested, I'd end up in an orphanage. I don't want that to happen… I want to stay here with Name and Heero!”

Treize nodded.

“I understand,” he looked over at Duo who seemed deeply troubled with the thought of being separated from his newfound family. He had the strong urge to hug him and tell him that everything would be all right, even if it was a lie, but he didn't feel like he had the right.

“Do you want to go back to school?” he asked. Duo blinked at him and Treize felt a stab of pain at the hope in his eyes. He was so used to kids thinking that they deserved everything the world had to offer like it was their birth right, but here was someone who thought that they had to fight to the death for every little thing. Any theories he had had about Duo Maxwell was nothing compared to the dark truth. All of those horrible, disgusting things, and they had happened to someone so smart and eager to learn, it made him sick. If there was any student he respected, it was this child.

“Yes, I want to go back,” Duo said eagerly. He wanted to go back so badly, but he knew that that was impossible, wasn't it? Treize stood.

“If it was up to me, you would go to school tomorrow. It isn't fair to punish you further. That it's the new semester doesn't help, but your case is a lot different from a simple hooky or even mono. I'll have to talk to the school board. We've never had anything like this before, but it shouldn't be hard making the rest of them sympathetic. Unless you have qualms about my telling them about what happened to you. We'll all be bound by privacy agreements and I will only tell them the bare facts, but if you're uncomfortable with it, I'm sure there's something else I can do to help you.”

Duo felt tears prick his eyes at hearing the lengths that the man was willing to go for him, but he refused to let them fall. It had been hard telling Treize the truth, harder than telling Heero and Name. He didn't know if that was because he wasn't drugged this time or that he wasn't as comfortable around Treize, but it had only been Heero's concern for his needs that had forced to tell the truth. He wanted to go back to school, but was he willing to have some stranger know the truth? In the end, he supposed that he would never see those people and compared to never going back to school, just staying at the house like a fugitive or wounded animal, it was such a small thing.

“You can tell them,” Duo said, “I want to go back, so I'm willing to do what I have to for that to happen.”

Treize smiled brightly at him.

“I wish that half of my students had your attitude.”

Duo blushed in embarrassment.

“I'll talk to the school board, then, try to get them to see things my way.”

Duo shook his hand.

“Thank you, Mr. Khushrenada.”

Treize grinned.

“There's no need, Mr. Maxwell, I'm just glad to be able to do my job. I'll let you know what the answer is by the weekend, I promise. I'll let you go back to whatever you were doing.”

Duo showed the tall man out, his thoughts whirling in his head. Any sense of loneliness or hysteria was temporarily side tracked by the hope and excitement that was starting to bloom inside of him.

 

*****

 

When Name came home at noon, Duo was still in the kitchen, thinking over what had just happened. She smiled as she saw him, glad that nothing had gone wrong enough for him to call her.

“Hi, Duo.”

He smiled back at her.

“How was the meeting?”

She sighed dramatically.

“Oh, I won't bore you with the tiresome details of the business world. Suffice to say that it was a right pain in the ass.”

Duo choked on his laughter at her dry humor. It was weird hearing her swear, but also pretty amusing.

“So, how was your day?” she asked, “Did you have fun?”

Duo bit his lip, wondering if he should tell her about Treize's visit. Would she be mad if he told her that he had let Treize in the house and that he had told him the truth? Name had told him to treat the house like it was his own and it was his truth to tell, but if there were any unspoken boundaries he certainly didn't want to be stepping over them any time soon.

“Well, I didn't do much, just relaxed and walked around mostly,” he told her.

“I'm glad,” she said with a smile, “the more you relax, the quicker your strength will come back to you. Heero will probably want to take you to the movies this weekend if you feel up to it.”

At the mention of Heero and the hope of some sort of outing, Duo found his courage.

“Mr. Khushrenada came to the house today, just a few hours ago.”

Name raised an eyebrow at that fact and Duo felt the temperature drop a few degrees.

“Did he now?” she asked coldly. Duo nodded, fear gripping his heart.

“He knew that I was here and wanted to know where I've been.”

“The gall of that man!” Name said in a low hiss, “He had no right to come here and confront you like that! He should have just called me if he had any questions!”

Duo stared at her as he realized that she was mad at Treize and not him.

“I told him the truth,” he admitted, waiting for Name to explode, but she didn't. Her eyes just widened and she looked confused.

“I've been lying to him for years. It just felt like the right thing to do. I thought that there might be a way for me to go back there. I know it's unlikely, but it was just a chance.”

She nodded.

“It's your secret, Duo, and it's your choice who you tell, not mine,” she said kindly.

“Then you're not mad?” Duo asked, peeking underneath his long bangs. She smiled and ruffled his hair.

“Or course not! It takes a lot to make me mad. You didn't crash a car or set anything on fire, did you?” she teased. Duo shook his head.

“I was a good boy,” he said in good humor.

“I'm glad. It's more than Heero can normally say to me when I leave him alone for a few hours.”

Shocked laughter escaped from Duo and Name looked at him fondly. It was a nice laugh and it made her sad to know that he didn't do it often.

“He's really that bad?” he asked, wondering what Heero had been like as a child and the sort of stories that Name could tell about him.

“One day when Heero was twelve, I let him alone for only an hour! When I came back, he had taken all of his army men and melted them in the oven to see what global warming would do.”

Duo burst into laughter, making Name smirk at their mutual amusement at Heero's antics.

“So, what did Treize say when you told him?”

Duo quickly sobered, but kept the image of a young Heero melting his plastic toys in his mother's oven close to his heart.

“He said that he would talk to the school board and see if I can go back to school.”

Name's grin grew.

“That's great news!” she exclaimed.

“Yeah, it would be nice to go back to school with Heero, but it's already a new semester and I've missed so much,” Duo said worriedly. Name brushed his concerns off.

“I'm sure that you'll be able to make it up and Treize Khushrenada strikes me as the sort of man who won't give up easily. If it proves to be a problem, I can always throw my weight around,” she assured him.

“Thank you,” he whispered, “you don't have to try so hard, but thank you.”

Name patted his shoulder.

“It's no trouble, Duo. I have the power to help you and you should want to use whatever you can to get what you need and want. Now, I have to go to Boston tomorrow and Heero has to stay late for a science project, so no one will be here until four. Is that ok with you? I can bring you to Boston with me if you like,” she offered. Duo shook his head. There was a pang of worry at the thought of being alone again, and having another panic attack, but he knew that being clingy wasn't going to solve anything.

“It's fine. I was actually going to ask Heero if I could borrow one of his textbooks. Even if I can't go back to school, it doesn't mean I can't try to educate myself, right?”

Duo was pulled into a tight hug.

“I am so proud of you,” Name whispered, making Duo blush again, “I just want you to know that.”

She let him go, pretending that she hadn't seen how embarrassed he was at her praise.

“Now, what would you like for dinner?”

 

*****

 

Heero was a little bit more upset than his mother when he heard that his principal had paid Duo a visit, but he was just as excited when he heard that Treize would try to do what he could to get Duo back on track. He felt a bit of anger at hearing that Wufei was talking about Duo living with him, but since it had ended with Treize helping Duo out, he decided to let it go. He agreed to lend Duo his biology text book, but felt worried that he would be by himself for so long the next day. It didn't appear that anything bad had happened today, but Duo was too good at hiding and Heero couldn't help but be concerned. Physically, Duo seemed more stable than he had been yesterday and the two of them spent their night playing video games and watching TV in Heero's room and chatting about their days before retiring to their respective rooms. Despite his panic attack, Duo went to sleep feeling happy and content.

 

*****

 

Despite his resolve to try to get around his recent mental problems surrounding solitude and darkness, Duo knew that it would be just stupid trying to poke at the bear, so he spent most of the next day in Heero's room, using his scent to keep the hysteria at bay. Name and Heero had let him sleep in, simply leaving him a note on his door telling him to keep it easy. Duo thought he would start crying as Name had written `love, Name', at the bottom, but barely contained himself. After reading the note, he immediately took a shower and went to Heero's room. He had snorted, noting how Heero hadn't made his bed or cleaned his room. He had read the textbook for a few hours, then watched TV and played games. He had tried to watch the early morning news, but found that he had no idea what anyone was talking about in pop news or political news. He had been out of the loop for too long, stuck in his own personal hell, to bother keeping track of the things outside of his pain. He discovered that he rather liked crime dramas, though, and there were quit a few of the on TV. Heero also had a few mystery novels on his book shelves and he managed to get through one of them by the time Name came home. He heard the door open downstairs and realized that he had gotten through the day without a panic attack. It was a small victory as he was not foolish enough to think that he had found a cure, so much as a security blanket that was a reminder of Heero's presence. He got slowly to his feet, feeling weak and scattered, a headache pounding in his skull, which he all attributed to his still-healing body. Name was in the kitchen, unpacking groceries, and he helped her put things away.

“Did you get much done today?” she asked as he gathered some ingredients for pasta for dinner. He nodded.

“I read a bit. It was nice. I've never gotten to do that except for homework,” he told her. She smiled at him.

“Well, I'm glad you're not bored. Once you get better, you can go outside. Maybe you can get involved with sports or something” she looked at him, suddenly frowning.

Duo blinked in confusion as Name brushed his bangs away from his face.

“Are you ok?” she asked, “you look a little peaked.”

“I have a headache,” Duo said, “but it's not too bad,” he decided not to mention that he felt weak and shaky as well. He hated making her worry about him and he had felt worse before. He could deal with it with some Tylenol and sleep.

“What did you eat today?” Name wondered, “Maybe you just need to have something with some more iron in it. I know that Dr. Stark gave you pills for your anemia, but you did have a lot of blood loss and it's better to be safe than sorry.”

Duo paused, paling further as he went over his day.

“I… I didn't eat anything today,” he admitted. Name gave him a stern look.

“Duo, you skipped both breakfast and lunch?! You know that you can't do that! You're still malnourished and even if you remember to take your medication, getting three meals a day is very important!” she scolded. Duo looked away sheepishly.

“I'm sorry,” he murmured, “I'm just so used to not eating, it slipped my mind. I've always had to work hard to eat, so I forgot that I could just take something from the kitchen. I've been hungry my entire life, even if not eating hurts, it's normal for me, it's been that way for as long as I can remember. I'll try to remember from now on, I promise!” Duo swore, feeling guilty for the sad look on Name's face.

“Oh, Duo,” she murmured, placing a slender hand on his arm, she managed to smile at him, “You know, I didn't just go up to Boston to go to a meeting.”

Duo gave her a confused look.

“I spent most of the day signing papers and filing documents to make sure that, even if I die, you'll be well taken care of,” she told him. Duo stared at her with wide eyes, his chest tightening painfully.

“W-what?” he stammered, unable to process her words, “Why?”

For the life of him, Duo couldn't figure out why Name would do that for him. He was just her son's friend, but she had taken him in and now she had gone a step further. He didn't deserve that, couldn't she see that? Name caressed his cheek with her knuckles, surprising him with the tenderness in her eyes. His heart pounded with need for affection from her. He had never been treated this way by any woman, as much as he had always yearned for it. There had only been one other woman in his life that had ever been kind to him, but not like this…

“Duo, for all of my money and prestige, all of the charity that I've done, I'll be glad if this company can do one act of true good. You're the one person that deserves this because you've never expected any good in your life. Everyone deserves at least one chance to do what they can to make something out of themselves. What they do with that chance is up to them, but we all do deserve that chance. I'm just doing my responsibility to give that chance to you. It's more important than money or power, it's my company's responsibility to help people like you who want to prove themselves, but can't. I'd die happily knowing that you will never want for anything again. You're a good person, you've proven that to me time and time again.”

Duo felt tears running down his cheeks and he shook a little with the thought of Name dying. She was the only `mother' he had ever known. She was gentle and kind and she didn't have to be. That she thought that he was just as kind meant a lot to him. Very few people cared enough to help a stranger, especially when it meant that they would get nothing in return. What would he do without her? If she died… his heart would break. She wasn't his mother, but there was something deep down inside of him that wanted her to be. It had only been two months, but in the time that they had known each other, he had come to love her as the only adult that truly gave a damn what happened to him.

Name saw the intense storm of emotions in Duo's eyes and the tears he was shedding and hugged him tightly.

“It's ok,” she murmured, letting her own tears fall, “I'm going to take care of you, I'll take care of everything, I promise.”

Duo hugged her back and she could feel the desperateness in his embrace. She stroked his hair.

“I'm not going to leave you alone, not now, not ever.”

 

*****

 

Duo felt much better after dinner and felt even more grateful when Name didn't tell Heero about their emotional discussion. As Heero went to his room to finish his homework for the night, Duo and Name sat down and talked about what she had done. She told him that she had opened a private bank account for him in case of an emergency and, in the very drastic case of her death, both he and Heero would be under her cousin's care and said cousin had agreed, simply because Name had asked, though she had refused to give him all of the details out of concern for Duo's privacy. Duo struggled to hide how her efforts were affecting him, but to Name the boy was like an open book and she couldn't help but smile as he left the family room to see what Heero was doing. She sat back in her chair, immersed in thought. It hadn't taken a lot of effort to set everything up for Duo. She had had the thought in her head for awhile now, but only recently had given it serious thought. She was healthy and her death prior to Duo or Heero's twenties was improbable, but the thought of Duo losing the financial security she had given to him when he was admitted to the hospital terrified her. She and Heero had fought so hard to find him and get him well. He was now her responsibility. He had no parents and all he did have was in this house. The second she had signed for his hospital bills, he had become her responsibility and she refused to let him down, even for a second. She realized that this was the first financial decision anyone had ever made for him and couldn't help but feel good in knowing that, if the worst happened, she wouldn't have to worry about him losing his footing again.

 

*****

 

Duo felt stronger after getting food in his stomach and his headache went away, but his body was still very weak compared to what it had been before Wes had chained him to the bed. Staying on his back for so long had done damage to his muscles and nutrition, compiled onto the problems he had already been dealing with, it didn't look likely he would be feeling strong any time soon. His body ached constantly and he tired easily. He knew that a part of it was because of the anemia, which the medication was helping with, but the continuous abuse and neglect had taken a permanent hold on him and he worried if he would ever get his strength back. He leaned against the wall as he stood outside of Heero's bedroom.

He was scared. It wasn't just because of his body's weakness, though that was a part of it. He had always considered his body like a rubber band, no matter the damage done to it, sooner or later, he would bounce back, but Stark had told him he would probably never be a hundred percent better, he would have to strive for ninety percent and right now, that was as much as he was hopping for, but it was still disconcerting. He knew that Heero was right, he had never let himself properly heal, always keeping going when he shouldn't, but he had needed to just to survive. He hoped that now he had the chance to let his body rest, it would heal, but he was so impatient. However, there was something else that was worrying him. He was away from Wes now, with people that loved and cared about him, so why was he thinking about the man so much lately? When he was in the house alone, what Wes was doing and if he was looking for him consumed his thoughts. Even keeping busy didn't seem to keep the blonde from invading his thoughts. He had been with him for so long, had lived and breathed just on Wes' say so, that it was so hard with him gone. He had woken last night searching for him on the bed, only to realize that Wes would never be there. He had hurt him so badly, but he had been his whole world, too. It was because of Wes that he had been able to go to school and that he had a roof over his head. Little kids living on the street didn't last long. Sunshine had proved that to him. Would he have ended up like him, his rotting body in some alley somewhere, if Wes hadn't come along and taken him from that life? But, the worst question that wouldn't leave him was if he could even survive without Wes anymore. He had lived so long relying on Wes' orders, could he really live without him? Now that he wasn't so concerned about his injuries and where he was going to live, those questions became harder to answer and harder to ignore. What Wes had done to him had broken his mind, had living with him also broken his free will? He shook his head and went to his own room without saying good night to Heero. He was tired, physically and mentally. Lately it seemed that all he wanted to do was sleep his life away, while at the same time, he was terrified of sleep. He had been asleep for two whole weeks in the darkness, he was scared that he would go back there and he wouldn't wake up this time.

 

*****

 

That night, Duo tossed and turned in his sleep in his comfortable bed, unable to settle. Dark thoughts and twisted dreams kept him from slipping into a deep sleep and he awoke after only a few hours with a start. Something was wrong, he could feel it in his veins. He searched with a blind hand for the warm body that he was used to, looking for Wes' familiar presence, but nothing was there, just him on the bed. His body yearned for the man's touch, no matter how painful, it was familiar and he had come to expect it. His large, rough hands on his skin, it was as normal as breathing. He wrapped his arms around himself and curled into a ball. He could understand the withdrawal from drugs, but this physical need for the touch of a man that had raped and degraded him was plain wrong. He loved his new found freedom, so why couldn't he accept it? Wes wasn't a part of his life anymore and that was a good thing, right, so why couldn't he just put the past behind him?

Feeling tired right down to his heart, he rolled out of bed, wincing at how sore his leg muscles felt and walked downstairs. The light in Heero's room was off and he was probably already asleep. Duo felt bad that he hadn't said good night to him, especially now that sleep was being so elusive. He crept to the family room. If he wasn't going to be able to sleep, he needed something to do and he didn't want to wake Heero up since he had school tomorrow. He craved human touch, some sort of contact, even if it wasn't Wes'. Name was still in the family room watching TV and she looked up at him as he entered.

“Duo, I thought you went to bed, is there something wrong?” she asked, concerned at the worn expression on his face. Duo's expression worsened at her concern. Why couldn't he be normal, why couldn't her love for him be enough? Why did he have to want someone who he hated? Why did he have to love someone he had wanted to kill for so long?

He nodded. Name moved down on the couch and patted the spot beside her. He sat down next to her, feeling odd, but warm when she put her hand on his.

“What's the matter?” she asked softly, “Did you have bad dreams?”

He shook his head.

“I can't sleep,” he said, “I can't stop thinking about Wes.”

Name blinked.

“You mean what he did to you?”

“No… just… him. I wonder if he's looking for me or if he's ok.”

Name frowned.

“He did so much for me. He gave me a place to live and a purpose. It hurt and I hated him for how he hurt me, but I love him, too. I don't think that I can survive without him. How can I? It's because of him that I'm here. If it weren't for him, I never would have met you or Heero. How can I just abandon the man that was the only parent I've ever had? I'm nothing without him! What have I accomplished on my own?! I was just a useless street rat, barely alive, until he came along. I can't do anything without him!”

Name shook her head, rage filling her at his words. Wes had hurt him more than Duo realized, making him rely on him and destroying his confidence. She wasn't a psychologist and she had no idea how much damage the long term abuse had caused Duo, but she immediately hated the man for the pain he was causing him right now. She squeezed his hand.

“Duo, it's not sick. I know that Wes was all you had for a very long time and he was the only source of affection for you, but Wes wasn't the one who got good grades or learned how to read on his own,” she entwined her fingers with his, “I have faith in you,” she smiled, “I know you can survive on your own because that's what you were doing all those years that you lived with him. You survived his abuse all this time, without his help, you're strong, Duo.”

Duo smiled back at her, though it was a little weak at first. Name believed in him? He didn't think that anyone had told him that before. How could he survive a need for a man that had abused him? Still, he knew at some level that she was right. The worst that he had ever been through was because of Wes, but he had survived it all. It had broken him down, but he was still here. He had learned to read and gotten to high school without any help from Wes. Did that mean that he could survive this as well? Even if he couldn't, he had to try, because for the first time in his life, there were people that wanted him to succeed. That was something that Wes had never given him.

In the back of his mind, feeling Name's warmth next to him, Duo felt a pang of worry for his cats. He was warm and safe and with friends, but all they had was each other and it was getting cold out. He had called himself their friend and caretaker, but he had just left them to fend for themselves! They were his family, the one thing that had kept him going when he was little and he thought that he was going insane, he had to know if they were ok…

“You ok to go to sleep?” Name asked. Duo nodded and hugged her. Her smile grew in pleasant surprised.

“Thank you, Name,” he murmured. She kissed the top of his head.

“Any time, Duo, now go to sleep, ok?”

Duo nodded and left for the stairs, feeling just a little bit better. He hoped that it was enough for him to sleep.

 

*****

 

The shadows were moving over his open eyes like living things, forming shapes and things that filled his heart with fear. He could feel him next to him, his clothed leg lightly touching his own bare one. He could feel it at the same time that he couldn't. He floated through the darkness, but Wes was there with him. He heard a sharp click of the blonde man playing with his lighter the sparks lit up the room briefly. The walls were water stained brown wallpaper and the bedside table held a water glass and syringe. It was time for his next dose, he realized in shock. He thrashed inside of his mind, a headache starting to rip through his brain. The darkness filled the room again, like a tidal wave covering over the white sand of the beach. The lighter clicked again and Duo's open, staring eyes could see the hard wood floor, the shadows forming claws and snarling faces before the small space was submerged in darkness once more. The room breathed like a living thing and Duo knew he would never leave its bowels. Large, rough hands rolled his head to the side and there was another click, he could see the mirror on the side and wanted to cry at the sight of his worn, dying body, covered in semen and blood, pale like a ghost, his eyes like a doll's, but he couldn't even cry. Wes pressed his forehead against his and Duo almost sobbed in happiness at the soft touch of skin on skin that didn't have pain attached to it.

“I love you,” the soft words rang through the room, followed by a horrible pain as the needle sunk into the back of his neck.

 

Duo woke up screaming, but clamped a hand to his mouth to keep from waking anyone. He panted, his heart pounding, his neck searing with phantom pain.

“Shit, shit, shit,” he swore frantically, untangling the sheets from his legs. It was fine, he told himself, he wasn't in pain, he wasn't dirty or sick, he was home, it was fine… Bile rose in his throat. There were shadows here, he needed light, no shadows…

He stumbled into the hall and walked shakily down the steps, pacing through the hallways and rooms, turning on all of the lights as he went.

 

“I love you.”

 

He leaned against the wall next to the steps. Why couldn't he get that out of his head? Wes loved him and he left him all alone… no, that wasn't right… he didn't love Wes, right? He loved Name and he loved Heero. He even loved Solo and Shi and even Quatre and Trowa, he didn't love Wes… but… he did… even if he could never forgive him for everything that he had done. Why had he chosen him out of all of the orphans? Had he been attracted to him… had he loved him when he was a child, too? He had been calling Wes his father for years, but was that who he really was? He had to sit down, it was just too much… why did he have to think like this? Why couldn't he just let things be? Shame filled him, making him sick to his stomach. He wanted to talk to someone, some human contact, the same need he had been feeling all day, but it was even stronger now, late at night with everyone else asleep. He couldn't wake Heero up, he was too ashamed of his problems. If Heero knew that he was missing the man that he had rescued him from, he would probably be disgusted in him. So, he continued to wander from room to room, hoping that the relentless pacing would still his furious thoughts. He walked for hours, feeling tired, but restless at the same time. He wanted a normal life, it was all he had ever wanted, but he was beginning to understand how impossible that was. He had never hated anyone more than he hated Wes, but he was also the first person he had cared for, simply because he was the first real person he had had long time contact with. How could he fix that? He didn't want to be this conflicted!

“Duo?” he heard Name's sleep muddled voice from behind him. He turned in shock, having not heard her walking down the hallway. She looked cute in her loose fitting, cotton blue night shirt and grey pajama pants, her straight black hair adorably mussed from sleep and she rubbed at her eyes, stifling a yawn. Duo felt guilty about waking her and blushed at her sleepy state, having never seen her anything but composed and perfect before, but even having just rolled out of bed, she looked somehow mature and professional.

“What's wrong?” she asked, her eyes half lidded.

“I can't sleep, I'm sorry,” he murmured, “You can go back to sleep, I'm just going to walk around.”

She shook her head.

“Duo, what's wrong?” she insisted, the sleep leaving her face and replaced with worry. He looked away.

“I had a nightmare, I don't want to go back to sleep.”

She smiled at him, took him by the arm and led him back to the steps.

“What are you doing?” he asked, alarmed.

“Taking you back to bed. I won't have you walking around all night, scared of sleeping. You need your rest,” she said, leading him up the stairs. He didn't protest, knowing that it wasn't fair to make her worry and let her lead him back to his room. He slipped back into bed, but still felt just as restless as before. His eyes widened as he felt the bed dip as Name slipped in behind him and threw her arm over him, bringing the covers up over them.

“W-what are you doing?” Duo cried, confused and blushing as he felt her heat at his back. There was nothing sexual at all about it and it was oddly comforting, but that just made him feel even more confused. What exactly was she doing?

“I used to do this for Heero when he had bad dreams as a child. It does help, Duo, having someone there to keep the nightmares away,” she said softly. Duo blushed even darker at the mention of Heero having nightmares.

“I've never had anyone sleep next to me without sex being involved,” he murmured. Name was silent, sad at his words, and laid her head against his.

“Go to sleep, Duo,” she said tiredly, “no more bad dreams or bad thoughts ok?”

Duo nodded. It was so awkward, having his best friend's mother sleeping with him, but it also made him feel warm and safe and most of all, loved. He closed his eyes and imagined that, for a little while, she was his mother. Sleep came easily after that and he finally drifted off. Name watched him with a sad smile, relaxing and letting herself fall back into sleep, too.

 

*****

 

Years of having to get up early at five in the morning to get Heero up and ready for school had messed with Name's biological clock and she no longer needed an alarm to wake up at that time, even when there was no school that day. Usually, she would immediately wake at five a.m. sharp and run into the shower, but this morning was different. She lay in the bed and watched Duo sleep. Thankfully, whether it was due to how tired he had been or her presence in the bed with him, he hadn't stirred the rest of the night. He was curled on his side and she had given him the rest of the covers, tucking him in. His braid curled on the covers next to his chest, trailing over his shoulder. His face looked peaceful as he slept and she felt relieved that he hadn't had any nightmares while she had watched over him. He looked so young, like a small child and she felt no embarrassment or qualms about sleeping with him. He looked so vulnerable, like he needed someone to watch over him. She had known that it would be a handful when she had taken him in, but this was starting to break her heart. She had never met anyone who was as confused and torn inside as Duo was. She could handle the physical aches and pains, but the insomnia, the nightmares, his dark and conflicting feelings for Wes… she could understand them, but she didn't know how to help him cope with them. She knew that therapy was the best option, but it would be useless unless Duo wanted to go and right now he wasn't ready. She brushed his bangs away from his face. She didn't know if she was ready to take on the responsibility of another child when she still had her own son's problems, but for Duo's sake, she had to try.

 

*****

 

Duo didn't have any severe emotional outbursts or problems after that. He was still anxious, conflicted and more than a little embarrassed, but he was able to sleep without any terribly bad nightmares and had no more major panic attacks during the day. He didn't tell Heero about anything that had happened between him and his mother because it was hard enough to deal with one person worrying about him and Heero would worry whether he knew about the nightmares or not. He spent his days reading and watching the news, trying to catch up with the rest of the world, but it just served to depress him. It was already mid-January, Christmas and New Year's had somehow passed him by when he had been missing. He didn't miss the holidays, Christmas made him severely depressed since he had had no friends or family to spend it with and had to watch other families so happy and eager for the winter break, knowing that he had no one that loved him. The only gifts that he had ever gotten were those tiny candy canes carolers gave out Christmas Eve to the homeless and that Wes gave him Christmas night off, though that was more because Wes had his friends over for beers and Duo had been expected to serve them than because of any generosity or holiday feelings. He couldn't even have bought presents for Solo because he had no money. New Year's he didn't even consider a holiday. For him, every year was exactly the same, pain, loneliness, and degradation, what was there to celebrate? All people did was gather for parties to get drunk out of their minds and Duo was too you to drink. Even if he hadn't been, he didn't think he would ever succumb to the lures of alcohol. He had too many problems in his life already; he didn't need to add alcoholism to the list. It wasn't like it tasted good, either. Duo wasn't a religious person. It was partially due to all that had happened in his life. As a child he had figured that if there was some form of Supreme Being, he or she or it was cruel and didn't deserve to be worshipped. When he had gotten older, religion had just seemed like a ridiculous concept that only served to create hate, not peace, and he had had no use for it in his life. So, celebrating Christmas to him meant family and friends, not worshipping some baby that had been born thousands of years ago. He was glad that, this year, those holidays had passed him by, though he couldn't help but wonder what Christmas as the Yuy house had been like. At least those holidays had meant that he had only missed a few weeks of school instead of an entire month's worth, though he missing all of his finals had been a serious blow. He was sure that his teachers would have had an easier time overlooking his absences if it hadn't been for that. So, it had come as a surprise when, on Thursday, he got a call from Treize.

 

*****

 

“What did you say” Duo asked, the telephone clenched in a white-knuckled grip as he pressed it to his ear. He and Name had been making stir fry for dinner while Heero finished his homework upstairs when the phone had rang. Name had paused in chopping the vegetables to listen to Duo's side of the conversation.

“I said,” Treize toned patiently, in good spirits and humor, “that the school board has handed me their decision about your re-admittance into high school. You will be allowed to go back, but only if you agree to stay after classes every day this week to make up what you have missed for this semester and show them that you are serious about continuing your education. Unfortunately, because you missed all of your finals, you will be getting D's in all of your fall semester classes, but you won't be failed because of your earlier exemplary work and if you do well this semester, you won't be forced to repeat your freshman year. You'll have to pick out classes for this semester before you come back, but I can give Heero the class lists tomorrow for you,” Treize said, his voice up beat. Duo was silent for a moment. He couldn't believe that this was happening! He thought there would be some debate, but the decision had come back so quickly, Treize must have pulled quite a few strings to get the board to meet so quickly.

“I-… I don't mind about the D's or the make-up work, I just… I can go to school Monday then, or do I have to wait or…”

Name smiled brightly at hearing that he would be returning to school, but Duo didn't notice. Treize chuckled over the line.

“Just bring the class list before school starts on Monday and I'll print out your schedule. I'll make sure that you can start classes Monday. Your teachers haven't been told anything just that the school board decided to let you come back. Whatever you decide to tell them, I'll back you up on,” the principal assured him.

“T-thank you so much, sir!” Duo stammered, his heart feeling it was going to burst out of his chest. Name nudged his shoulder gently.

“You're very welcome, Mr. Maxwell,” Treize said.

“Can I speak to him?” Name whispered. Duo nodded and handed the phone to her. He went to the table to set for dinner and Heero joined him. They both looked at Name speaking excitedly on the phone out of the corner of their eyes.

“What's going on?” Heero asked in a hushed tone, “Who's Mom talking to?”

“Treize,” Duo said softly, “he's letting me come back to school Monday. I have to stay late all next week, but I won't be held back if I finish all of my work.”

“That's great!” Heero exclaimed, forgetting to keep his voice down.

“It's better than great!” Name said as she hung up the phone, “I knew that I liked that man! Now, Duo, you can tell us everything, but first, let's eat!”

 

*****

 

Duo too a deep nervous breath, his class list filled with marks and poorly erased notes clutched in his hand. Saturday and Sunday had been great. He and Heero had gone to the movies, gotten pizza afterwards, and yesterday they had gone to the pond that was in Heero's neighborhood to feed the ducks since it wasn't cold enough for the pond to freeze over, going out to dinner when it had finally gotten too dark. Duo had liked going to the pond, watching the carefree birds swim after the pieces of bread while he and Heero talked about the excitement of going to school together again. However, now it was Monday morning and Duo felt sick with a mixture of nervousness and excitement. He had always loved school but now he was worried that he wouldn't be able to catch up and what sort off questions people were going to ask him. Going to the movies with Heero had been a little bit stressful at first because of the amount of people there, so he was worried that he would have a panic attack being crowded by people he had never trusted. But, Heero would be there with him, so he was sure that it would be ok. It was partially because of his loneliness and anxiety that he had chosen all but one class with Heero. His eyes scanned over the class list again. He had Painting, Geometry, English, American History, Earth Science, and Gym with Heero and Cooking by himself. He didn't think it would be too bad, and he was looking forward to cooking, Painting, English, and Geometry, but he still felt uneasy. He packed the black book bag that Name had bought him with note books, the calculator for Geometry, though he hated using calculators because they made him feel like he wasn't really doing the work at all, a ruler, and pencils.

“Are you ok?” Heero asked, already ready for school since Duo had to go early to see Treize. Duo nodded.

“It's just… I've never had a back pack before,” he admitted, “I've always carried my whole life around with me in that duffle bag, it feels weird, like I'm naked without it,” he zipped the bag up, “This whole thing feels weird to me.”

Heero smiled at him.

“It's your first day back in a month and now you'll have your own lunch and you won't have to worry about hiding things, at least on your own. Remember, no matter what anyone says or asks, you don't have to tell them shit if you don't want to and I'll be there if you ever feel overwhelmed, plus there's Quatre, Trowa, and Treize, and you can always call Mom if you need her,” Heero reminded him.

“Thanks, Heero,” Duo said thankfully. Heero was being a little bit overprotective, but Duo didn't feel coddled and crowded by it, he didn't mind a little extra protection from his best friend, “I'm ready to go when you are.”

“Alright,” Heero agreed and they walked downstairs together. Duo made a beeline for the door, but Name stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Forgetting something?” she asked, a brown bag lunch in her hand. Duo blushed. He had never had someone make him lunch before.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly, taking the lunch from her.

“Call me if there is anything wrong, ok?” she insisted. Duo nodded. Last night she had wanted to give him a cell phone, but he had refused. He didn't see any point in carrying a phone he would probably never use around in his pocket. One of the fads that he hated the most was people who played with their phones all the time like it was a life line, even in the middle of class.

“Bye, Mom,” Heero waved as he opened the door for Duo and the two left the house into the cold morning air, leaving in Heero's silver car.

 

*****

 

The school was blessedly empty so early in the morning, so Duo felt comfortable walking to Treize's office to get his schedule. He knew that he was going to get some weird looks, if any of his classmates noticed him at all. He wouldn't be surprised if no one had noticed his absence. It was probably the first time that he was grateful for being ignored even if he still was a little bitter about it. Duo got his schedule from Treize with no problem, excited to see that all of his class choices had been approved. He agreed to meet him and Une after school to start on his Earth Science work. Treize had told him that he wanted to get him caught up with one class today. It sounded like a good plan, seven classes in five days. Painting and Cooking had so little homework that Treize had decided to combine it on Friday and he didn't have anything that needed to be done in gym, obviously. It was nice knowing that he had three classes that he didn't have to worry about. He was also excited that he would still have Une Khushrenada as his science teacher. Tomorrow he would have to meet with his American History teacher, a man he had never had before, named Williams. Wednesday was Lucrezia Noin, who he had had last semester for English, too, and had the same sort of relationship with that he had with Une. Thursday would be Geometry with Professor G, whom he had also had last semester for Algebra. Friday would be easy with Painting, Gym, and Cooking; Treize had even informed him that he didn't want to overwhelm him before the weekend. He only had to meet with Schbeiker for Gym because she had requested to talk to him privately, and Midii Une, oddly not related to his science teacher, for Painting, and Long Meiran for Cooking, assured Treize that there wasn't much for Duo to make up. Duo shook Treize's hand and thanked him again for his help, leaving for the Earth Science classroom with Heero.

 

*****

 

Duo felt much more confident leaving Treize's office than he had entering it, having discussed what he was going to do to get back on track. Heero noticed his friend's change in attitude and also relaxed. As they walked down the hallway, suddenly a blonde blur flew at them and Duo had a split second before he was hugged tightly by a very hyper Quatre.

“Duo! Oh my God, it's so good to see you! How are you?!”

“I'm much better, Quatre, it's good to see you, too,” Duo said slowly, taking Quatre's hyper-ness and tight hug in stride. After telling Trowa and Quatre about his past, he had been worried about losing their friendship, but not only were they not disgusted, they didn't appear to outright pity him for it, either, they just treated him like they always had. It was good to see him and he hugged him back. He had missed him and Trowa in the week they had vacated to a hotel for.

“I'm glad to see that you're adjusting well,” Trowa said as he approached them, though much slower than his lover, “Name said that you were coming here early, so we thought we'd say `hi',” the tall boy's eyes were soft as he looked at the violet eyed boy. He had last seen him in the hospital and he looked much better now. He had been shocked when he had heard the truth about Duo's past. He couldn't remember being so angry in his life. He had never before wanted to kill another human being like he wanted to kill Wes. He wasn't a bold person, but he had made a promise to himself that he would protect Duo if he had to, they all would, if that man showed up to hurt him again. No one deserved to be treated like that, especially not someone like Duo. He couldn't stop remembering what Duo had looked like that night he had come out of surgery. He knew that Duo was strong, but he was also lonely and needed people to give him the affection he had been refused since he was a child. Trowa was sure that Name and Heero had done all that they could to make Duo feel at home and he was looking forward to going back there as well. Living in the hotel room with Quatre had felt like a strange honey moon, going to school during the day and making love and ordering room service at night. It had been nice compared to the large home they shared in Italy. Trowa, like Quatre, had never been to public school. He had grown up with a traveling circus. His parents had been a part of it as acrobats, but due to a terrible accident during an act when he had been a baby, his older sister, Catherine, had become his guardian and had home schooled him in their tiny trailer. His childhood had been filled with feeding lions and learning how to do gymnastics tricks while his sister taught him math. It had been all that he had ever known, but through watching TV, he had discovered that his life was not at all normal. Though, after hearing what Duo's childhood had been like, he couldn't call it `bad', just unique. When he had fallen in love with Quatre, it had been hard to balance what they were used to, Quatre's mansion with its many servants and his trailer with the smell of wild cats, but they had somehow made their relationship work. Still, it had been a relief, that hotel room, but the Yuy house, despite its size, felt just as comfortable to him. He also yearned for a friend like Duo, someone down to earth that could understand how uncomfortable, it was to be pampered. Trowa didn't mind public school, but their known friendship with Heero and Duo had created some sort of invisible barrier between them and the other students. Trowa didn't mind as much as it seemed to truly bother Quatre. He had always been shy and had problems making friends. In both of their eyes, if anyone had a problem with Duo or Heero, they weren't worth the time anyway.

Quatre untangled Duo and his smile softened to something more gentle and tender as Trowa and Duo hugged.

“Are you two really staying here for the rest of the year?” Heero asked. At the same time that he was annoyed that they would be moving back into his home tonight, he was happy to have his other two friends so close by.

“Yes, is that a problem?” Quarter said in a suggestive knowing tone, glancing at Duo, who was utterly clueless to his innuendo. Heero glared at him.

“Of course not,” he said in a clipped one. Quatre grinned.

“Great!” he chirped, “Trowa and I are in different classes from you two, but we'll be sure to save you a seat at lunch, have fun!” Quatre waved at them and started to drag Trowa off, who rolled his eyes at his lover's antics. Heero gave Duo a suffering look.

“He's way too… perky in the morning,” he grumbled. Duo smiled.

“I think it's cute.”

Heero rolled his eyes.

“Don't encourage him.”

Duo bit his lip.

“Do you really think I can make up all that work? What if I never catch up?” he worried. Heero ruffled his hair a little, stifling a laugh at Duo's annoyed expression as he tried to soothe down his hair

“It'll be fine, Duo. Treize thinks you can do it and I can, too, he and Une are too stubborn to give up on you.”

Duo nodded. That was true; Treize wouldn't let him give up because he couldn't bear to fail.

 

*****

 

Duo kept his head low as he and Heero entered their second class, English. Earth Science had been… interesting. At first, it seemed like nothing had changed, sitting next to Heero, Une smiling at him when she entered, but it wasn't the same. For one, he wasn't being ignored anymore. The second people started to come into the classroom, they stared at him like he was a bug under a microscope. He couldn't take the unrelenting looks and had squirmed in his seat. His fellow classmates had stared at him in confusion, their eyes buzzing with furious questions, and Une had had to yell at some of them to stop chatting during class. Duo tried hard to drown out the whispers, but he knew that they were talking about him. As he and Heero walked out into the hallway, Heero had been approached several times by people wanting to know what was going on, but Heero brushed them off like they were invisible.

They walked into English and people turned in their seats, whispering to each other, but some glared at Duo as thought they couldn't understand his audacity to come back to school. Duo didn't know what was worse, being a bug or being gunk under someone's shoe. He tried to ignore all of it, especially when the class was over and he was approached by people, but it was hard. He was used to being nobody, not a valuable piece of gossip. Heero, on the other hand, seemed to be used to people talking about him and didn't seem bothered at all. He tried his best to ignore it as they finished with Earth Science, English, and Painting. It was nice seeing Une and Noin again and Duo had no complaints about Midii Une. She was a petite blonde, passionate about painting and a stickler for dedication, but from what Duo could see, she was also very patient and kind. He reminded himself that he still had to get through two new teachers before he could relax.

It felt weird going back to school after everything that had happened. If he tried really hard, he could pretend that none of it had happened, but that would have involved the good things that had happened, too, Heero's promises, Name's kindness, and he was willing to balance the bad stuff with the good stuff. It felt good to be walking the halls with his best friend. He realized just how lucky he was that he had been forgiven by Heero after what had happened with Zechs. There wasn't a day that had gone by that he wasn't grateful that the one good thing in his life was still there for him. He could almost believe that Heero would always be with him if it weren't for that cautious, pessimistic part of himself that said that nothing this good would last. During his… absence… he had believed that he would never be with Heero again, that he would never go back to school again, but here he was. He had been in such emotional agony without Heero. So now he felt so good, it was a new and shocking emotion for him. There was still that part of him that was scared of his new life and wanted something familiar, but he wasn't willing to trade the love he felt for Heero for the pain he had lived in for so long. Though this new life was unfamiliar to him, he also loved it. In the past, he had always believed that he had no future. Now, all of a sudden, he was back at school, had a real home, and so much to look forward to and get used to. It was enough to make his head spin. Compared to all of that, a little bit of staring was annoying, but something he could live with. When was the last time that he had gone this long without the taste of semen in his mouth? He couldn't remember. This was definitely the first time he had gone to school without being in pain, anyway.

 

*****

 

Heero dealt with the stares easier than Duo did. As a Yuy, he was used to being gawked at and gossiped about, but he didn't like how uncomfortable the looks were making Duo. He would have punched one of their classmates to send a message if he thought it would have made things better instead of worse. That, and it would just make Duo upset. Heero wondered if the reason that his turning to physical violence bothered Duo so much was because he had been the victim of so much physical abuse. That possible fact made him think twice about striking anyone. He was amazed that Duo hadn't dropped him after he had put that boy in the hospital. It made him wonder what Duo saw in him if he had continued to want to be his friend. It made him wonder what he had done to make Duo so sure of him and why he wasn't scared of him. He looked at Duo out of the corner of his eye. He looked happier than he had been before he had disappeared, but there were also a lot of things that hadn't changed. His expression was cautious and guarded like he was expecting something heavy to fall on his head and had to protect himself from the rest of the world so they wouldn't be able to see how much it hurt. He still looked so small and frail to Heero, but just as strong. He was still the survivor he had always been. Gone was the smell and dirt and grime and broken glasses, but the hesitation and fear still remained, though it wasn't quite as blatant as it had been, the security living with them had given him making him relax just a little bit. He was still the boy that Heero had fallen head over heels with. Actually, after seeing Duo's ability to get back to his feet even after all of the horrible things that had been done to him, he loved him even more to the point that his heart wanted to burst out of his chest. He felt such an intense pride for Duo, seeing him walk around like everything was normal, even when he knew that he was having trouble adjusting. His feelings for him felt so intense, it was making him sick inside. How could an emotion feel so good and bad at the same time? As they walked to the cafeteria, a girl with sort black hair looked intently at Duo, studying him. Heero recognized the look, he had been on the receiving end of those lustful looks before and he realized that Duo didn't smell or look sick anymore and their classmates were finally noticing the beauty and potential in Duo that Heero had seen all along. Heero didn't like that. He bit back a growl and the sudden urge to rip the pretty girl's throat out with his bare hands. He saw Duo notice the girl checking him out and his heart clenched painfully. Duo blushed in embarrassment, but simply looked away, not wanting anything to do with her. The girl looked taken aback by Duo's disinterest and Heero grinned smugly at her, staying close to his side.

 

*****

 

Duo brushed the black haired girl's gaze off with a twinge of embarrassment. He had only been looked at like that by girls a handful of times and he hated it just as much as he had hated the lusty looks he got from his johns. He felt no attraction towards girls, especially compared to the interest he had in Heero, and their interested looks only made him feel self conscious and embarrassed. He had noticed a few people checking him out, clean and well fed, and realized that he was truly being seen for the first time, but wasn't sure yet if he liked it or not, it just made him feel uncomfortable. He decided to try to ignore such looks like he did all the others and try to enjoy his lunch with his friends.

 

*****

 

Quatre carefully watched for Heero and Duo as he claimed a table at lunch. It wasn't hard, finding a table for just the four of them. When he and Trowa had first come to this school, they had been gawked at and followed around. As the Winner heir and having such a rememberable face, Quatre was used to it, but it had made Trowa nervous. Things had been stressful those few couple of days, dealing with people's awe and open adoration. The people in this town had never seen so many famous people in their lives so they were more than a little star struck. They were especially anxious as to why Quatre was there and who Trowa was. Their classmates seemed to think that anyone associating with Quatre or Heero had to be celebrities themselves, but Trowa kept quiet. He could tell that his lover wanted to say something, but it was enough for him. Just knowing that Quatre wasn't ashamed of him was enough; he didn't care if anyone else knew the truth. Trowa wasn't surprised that, when Quatre introduced them as Heero and Duo's friends, the adoration had abruptly stopped and they had been avoided like they had the plague. Quatre wasn't one of those people that craved attention from strangers but their classmates' attitudes towards them had shocked him. It amazed Trowa how naive his lover was sometimes. When Quatre had figured out that the problem was Duo, he and Trowa had had the silent agreement to simply ignore the others. Quatre couldn't stand that sort of subtle bullying and he refused to deal with anyone that looked down on Duo. He didn't think that they were missing out on much. Compared to how much he missed Duo, still lying in his hospital bed, it wasn't a big deal, scorning the friendship of any other student. Because of his name, Quatre had, like Heero, always had problems making friends. It had been a bit harder for Heero because the Yuy name was much more intimidating than Winner, and his slightly volatile personality was a problem compared to Quatre's sunny one, but it was because of Quatre's bubbly attitude that people mistook him for an airhead and thought the was an easy target while Heero was considered more dangerous. So, friends like Duo that didn't care about his wealth and both respected and didn't underestimate him, were precious to him. He, in turn, had a great respect for Duo and certainly put him higher than a bunch of teenagers that thought they owned the world. That boy that had been with them at the hospital, Wufei, was the only one who dared to sit with them, though he seemed content to only talk about things other than Duo and Heero. When they did try to steer the conversation in that direction, the Chinese boy would look horribly depressed and clam up. They stopped talking about it after a few days. It made Quatre smirk. It looked like Duo had two people fighting for his affections if he only realized it, and Quatre could see why. Duo was very attractive, though he wasn't really Quatre's type, you would have to be blind not to see it. If Duo was gay and interested, Quatre thought, with how quickly and strongly he had connected with Heero, it was a safe bet who he would choose. Then there was Wufei's outburst in the hospital. Quatre had wanted to hate him for that, whether it was understandable or not. Quatre knew first hand the frustration that Wufei had been feeling at Duo's news of rape and abuse, but what he had said was just utterly disgusting. Quatre had wanted to attack the black haired boy for it, but was glad to see that he was suffering enough because of his words. Quatre wasn't sure how to deal with Duo's past. He had had absolutely no experience with rape victims and he felt that the only thing he could do was be there for Duo, but it didn't seem like nearly enough. But, at the same time Duo was still the same person and Quatre couldn't bear to treat him differently. He caught sight of his two friends and waved them over.

“Hey, Duo!” Quatre called as they sat down. Duo smiled at him. “So, how was the first day back?” the blonde asked. Duo shrugged.

“Pretty much the same except, you know,” he gestured to a table of girls that was staring at them. The girls, seeing the gesture, realized that they were caught and looked away, giggling annoyingly and blushing.

“Just ignore them,” Trowa said gruffly, seeing how uncomfortable Duo was.

“Can I see your schedule” Quatre asked, trying to divert Duo's attention from the staring. Duo handed him the folded piece of paper.

“Uh… can I… um, sit here?” a familiar voice asked nervously. Heero glared up at Wufei while Duo looked at him uncomfortably.

 

“You should have fought back, even if you had died!”

 

Wufei's words hung in the air as Duo and Heero stared him down and Trowa and Quatre looked away. Regardless of their own feelings on the subject, they would respect Duo's position. Duo wanted to look away from Wufei's warm brown eyes. He wanted to hate him. His relationship with the boy had been bad from the start and his words had hurt him, deeply. But, the cocky, stubborn, love-struck boy he had known was gone and Duo felt like he was seeing Wufei for the first time. He had had a lot of courage to approach him like this. Duo searched Wufei's eyes for any hint of the puppy love he had held for him, but only saw a deep, confused respect and an equally deep guilt.

“Sure,” he conceded. Heero looked at him in shock, but let Wufei sit next to Duo. The hair on the back of his neck bristled, he was sure that this was just a trick, that Wufei was going to do something to gain Duo's affections again, but he relaxed when Wufei only ate, and listened as Quatre commented on Duo's teachers. Duo felt weird sitting next to Wufei and not being bothered by him, but pushed away the feeling and taking out his lunch, licking his lips when he saw the Swiss miss pudding, baggie of dill pickles, and strawberry yoghurt. Heero made a face of disgust, which Duo only smirked at, when he saw that his mother had packed Duo a liverwurst sandwich. During their time alone together, Name had decided to test what Duo's so far untested appetite would like by cooking and making just about everything she could come up with. To her and Heero's surprise, they had discovered that there were few foods Duo would turn his nose at and he especially enjoyed liverwurst on white Canadian bread. Heero remembered when she had gotten him to try liverwurst as a child and made another face. Duo responded by taking a large bite from his sandwich and hummed happily. Heero rolled his eyes as Duo finished the sandwich in only a few bites and moved on to his pickles.

“You have Mr. Williams for a teacher?” Quatre asked, a golden eyebrow raised.

“I heard that he's a real jerk,” Wufei said suddenly, giving a little flinch when he realized that he had spoken out loud. He glanced at Duo and felt an intense pang of homesickness. The longhaired boy reminded him of his lover, of his home back in China. He still didn't feel like he belonged here. How did Yuy do it? He had adjusted to his life here in America so seamlessly; it was like he had been born here. Why was Heero so damn happy when he felt so miserable? It was odd, he had felt so horribly alone, but when he was with these four, it wasn't so bad. Mostly, he missed Fai. Being around Duo made that longing so much worse. Duo was beautiful and smart, just like his lover, but he was also much different, but he wasn't the solution to his problems. Yes, Duo was beautiful and sexy, and Wufei wanted him, but his heart had belonged to another for a very long time now and that wasn't going to change. He wanted Fai so badly he wanted to cry, and he knew that his parents could tell there was something wrong with him, even if he was too proud to tell them he wanted to go back to China because, as much as the attitudes of his people had hurt him, it had also been the only home he had ever known and he missed it dearly. He looked over at Heero and Duo, who were listening to Quatre tell them rumors about Williams. They looked so heartbreakingly perfect together. They made love look easy and wonderful. While Duo had been in the hospital recovering, Wufei had come to learn quite a few things. It had become obvious to him that Duo's heart belonged to another, too, and it was so far gone, there was no way to get it back, he should have realized that a long time ago, but it had taken his shock at Duo's personal darkness to open his eyes. He also realized that he had probably destroyed a potential friendship. There was something about the four of them that made him feel comfortable and not so lonely, and, to his relief, it looked like they might just accept him and forgive him. He didn't deserve forgiveness for what he had said to Duo in one of the lowest parts of Duo's life when he had needed acceptance but they were at least tolerating him. He still couldn't understand how Duo could keep going after all that had happened to him, but he respected him deeply for his strength and wished that he could be that strong.

“Apparently the man is really strict,” Quatre was saying in the tone of someone who was absolutely certain of his facts, “he tried to get a girl expelled from school for only being ten minutes late! He told Mr. Khushrenada that a girl with that sort of attitude didn't deserve to be taught by him! Naturally, Khushrenada denied his request, but Williams is really overbearing and when it comes to his students, he expects perfection and if he finds you lacking, there's hell to pay! The man has a mean streak a mile wide!” Quatre gestured wildly, his sea green eyes bright with the excitement of telling such a juicy story. Duo rolled his eyes.

“Let me guess, you learned that from gossip?” he asked, teasing. Quatre shrugged.

“People talk,” he said simply. Heero snorted.

“Thanks, but I think we'll wait until we take his class before we judge him, Quatre.”

Duo nodded in agreement. Truthfully he wasn't at all bothered by Quatre's words. That didn't mean that he thought the man was a saint or a good teacher, but he wasn't going to believe anything unless he had some facts behind it. Back when he had been struggling through Middle School, Duo had heard a lot of gossip through his classmates' older siblings about Une. He had heard a lot of stories, including that she was cruel and had some sort of split personality when dealing with students and parents. He hadn't given much credence to the gossip back them and he wouldn't give any now. When he had finally met Une, she had proven to be strict, but that was only because she cared so much for her students. She was also kind and understanding, not taking crap from anyone at the same time that she knew the facets of the common teenager and was willing to turn a blind eye to some behaviors. He had learned a long time ago that people liked to talk about the bad things, the drama, the misery, and that gossip had absolutely nothing to do with the truth.

 

*****

 

As much as Duo was hesitant to admit it, there seemed to be a bit of fact to the stories about Frank Williams. There were no introductions as the thirty-seven year old man entered the large history classroom. He looked normal, brown eyes that were only a shade lighter than his hair and wearing as nice a suit a teacher could afford, but his eyes were cold and sharp as he assessed his students. It was an amazing thing how every person instantly quieted. There was something about those eyes that commanded respect and obedience. When those cold, brown eyes fell on Duo, the longhaired boy caught a flash of anger in them and fear spiked in his heart, but he shook it off as well as he could and concentrated on the lecture, even when the man's piercing eyes returned to him again and again.

 

*****

 

Heero noticed the teacher's hateful look at his best friend, too, and glared back, but realized that, for once, he was powerless. He didn't like the feeling one bit. That was the problem with having something so good. He could fight back, but now he had so much to lose and found himself in situations like this, unwilling to risk his friendship.

 

*****

Heero walked Duo to the school library when classes ended. Une had given him the assignments he had to complete after class and he was supposed to stop by Treize's office to hand his work in.

“I'll come by the office in a few hours,” Heero told him, “Mom knows to wait.”

Duo frowned.

“Are you sure that you want to wait? Une and Treize want to talk to me and you really don't have to say,” he said. Heero smiled.

“I have nothing better to do.”

Duo tried to protest, but Heero turned and walked off, leaving Duo standing in the library alone, unable to yell after him.

 

*****

 

Duo stretched in the uncomfortable wooden chair and stifled a yawn. Diagrams of rock and topographs and volcanoes seemed to be permanently tattooed into his brain, but after two hours, he had finally caught up with all of his work for Une. Despite the headache that was starting to build, he felt a sense of achievement at finishing so much work. It also gave him some confidence knowing that he could catch up. He still couldn't believe that Heero had opted to stay in school while he did his work. He wasn't sure where his friend had gone, but just knowing that he was close by if he needed him made him feel good. He felt guilty wasting Heero's time, though, and decided to talk to Heero about not staying after tomorrow as well. He sighed and gathered his things. He had a very good idea about what Une and Treize wanted to talk to him about and he wasn't looking forward to it.

 

*****

 

Treize and Une were waiting for Duo in Treize's office when the blue-eyed man's secretary escorted him in. Duo couldn't help but feel nervous when Treize closed the door behind him. He realized that no one could hear them in here and felt grateful at the same time that he was uncomfortable.

“I finished my work,” he told Une as he handed over his papers. She smiled at him and took them from him.

“Thank you, Duo, it wasn't that hard, was it?”

He shook his head.

“It was fun learning how to make topographs and the chapter on magma was pretty interesting” Duo mentioned. Une's smile grew.

“Duo, if all of my students were as eager to learn as you, my job as a teacher would be much easier.”

Duo blushed deeply.

“Sit down, Duo,” Treize said kindly, gesturing to a chair. Not seeing a way out of the situation, Duo sat. Treize and Une sat in front of him and shared a look.

“First off,” Treize said, his blue eyes meeting Duo's violet ones, “I'm glad to see that you're adjusting to school again. I'm also proud that you're so dedicated to try to continue with you're education,” Treize said and Une nodded in agreement.

“But, that's not what we want to talk to you about,” she admitted. Duo gave a soft flinch as she took his hands in hers.

“I am so sorry Duo,” she said, tears in her eyes, “about everything… those… things shouldn't have happened to you. More than that, I'm sorry that we… I… didn't help you,” she squeezed his hand as she struggled with her emotions.

“It's alright,” Duo tried to assure her.

“No, it's not,” Treize said, “It's our job as teachers, as a part of community, to make sure that you're safe, and we didn't do that.”

“I should have known,” Une looked away from Duo, “I knew there was something wrong and I didn't do everything I could to help you! I should have tried harder…”

Duo shook his head.

“There's noting you could have done,” he told her, “Even Name and Heero didn't know for sure. I should have told someone, but I was in such a bad place, I was too ashamed and I didn't think that anyone would want to help me. Even if you had found out on your own, somehow, Wes would have found away to keep you from causing trouble,” the incident with Nurse Po came to his mind.

Une seemed to accept that from him.

“I forgive you, both of you. It wasn't your fault and you did more than most people did for me.”

Treize's eyes met his wife's.

“I have a few more things I want to talk to Duo about, why don't you find Mr. Yuy? Unless he went home and is going to be picking you up later?” Treize asked.

“No, he's still here.”

Une stood and smiled warmly at Duo.

“I'll see you tomorrow, then,” she said and gave his shoulder a slight squeeze.

“Bye, Mrs. Khushrenada,” Duo called as the longhaired woman left and closed the door. Treize cleaned his throat, folding his hands over his lap.

“Now, Mr. Maxwell, do you know what you would like to do once you graduate from here?” he asked. Duo shrugged.

“Honestly, I've never thought about it,” Duo said, noting the sad look in Treize's eyes, “I don't have many things that I'm good at any way.”

Treize nodded in understanding.

“In that case-,”

The door suddenly flew open and Williams, a mad expression on his face, stormed in.

“What is the meaning of this, Khushrenada?!” he snarled, his expression turning even more furious, Duo jumped out of his chair and retreated to the side of Treize's desk, his flight instincts wanting to put as much of a distance between him and the teacher as possible. Treize spotted his frantic secretary over the man's shoulder and shook his head, walking past Williams to close the door.

“Why is he being let back into school?!” Williams demanded, pointing at Duo, “he missed over a month, this is ridiculous!”

“Some new information has come to light and the school board and I agree that Duo's circumstances warrant another chance,” Treize tried to placate him.

“What information?”

Treize looked at Duo, who nodded.

“It has recently come to my attention that Mr. Maxwell's guardian is not his real father. The man took him from the streets and, as a child, raped and propositioned him. He was able to come and go from school, but he was severely abused. It wasn't until another student had discovered all of this that he was able to get help. In the last moth, he was held against his will and brutalized. Fortunately, he is all better now and it was decided that he be allowed back of course,” Treize gave the surprised man a stern look, “you cannot repeat any of this to anyone. I'm sure you understand.”

Williams quickly recovered from his shock and gave Duo an odd look.

“If you hated being raped, or so you've probably claimed, you would have gone to the cops,” the teacher said sternly. Treize stared at him and Duo's eyes widened. Pain stabbed at his heart.

“You're partially to blame, surely you know that?” Williams continued, “You were allowed to go as you pleased. If you had screamed, surely someone would have come to help you. No one would ignore a little kid screaming for help, but I bet you never did.”

The teacher got in Duo's face and Treize was too shocked by the man's cruel words to stop him.

“If your father made you give him a blowjob, you could have bit him,” Williams pointed out, glaring back at Treize, “I don't see why this boy should be given special treatment above all of my other students just because he was raped, after all,” his cold brown eyes turned back to Duo, “you are a man, right?” he smirked, giving Duo a once over, “Though I can see how someone might be mistaken, looking at you. But, you are a man, so it isn't such a big deal. It isn't like you can get pregnant. Aren't you just making a big deal out of noting?” he suggested, “I mean, even kids have sex drives, that's just fact, and you're a teenager now. When you got older, it was probably consensual, because, as disgusting as homosexuality is, it isn't so rare nowadays. You certainly don't look straight laced, so having sex with another man isn't such a big deal for you, is it? Are you just crying rape now because you played hooky too much?” William's piercing perusal of his body made Duo feel dirty and each word tore at him making him doubt himself and the confidence that Heero and Name had given him, assuring him that his past hadn't been his fault.

“You're very pretty,” Williams mused, “I can see why so many men can't stay away from you. You shouldn't blame your father and the people who had sex with you for having basic, biological urges. Take responsibility for your own problems instead of blaming everyone else!” he snapped. Panic welled inside of Duo. It was his fault… his… responsibility. Was it really because of him that he had been raped? He had been hearing that his whole life, but he had wanted to believe Name and Heero so badly… Maybe Williams was right, maybe he had secretly enjoyed the abuse. It had hurt and it had been humiliating, but he never once went to the cops about it. No one had helped him… was that because they had known it was his own problem? But then, why did Heero and Name tell him differently? He couldn't deal with the man's accusations anymore, true or not and pushed past him, escaping out of the office. He had to get out, his panic was swelling and he felt like he was being choked to death again.

Watching Duo struggle with his panic attack and then flee broke Treize out of his stupor and he grabbed Williams, slamming him against the wall and felt a strong triumph at having wiped that smug look off of the man's face, replacing it with shock and just a little bit of fear.

“What are you-,”

“Shut the fuck up!” Treize snapped, stealing away any power or authority that the brunette had, “How dare you?! No one, no matter their gender or sexuality or age wants to be raped! Duo isn't the one who's wrong, you are! People like you are wrong, people who think that rape is just sex. You're just as bad as the bastard who raped that child because you don't even see rape as a bad thing!” Treize didn't wait for the man's answer, storming out of his office to track Duo down.

 

*****

 

Treize found Duo in the men's bathroom, hiding under the sinks. His bent knees were pressed against his chest, his arms wrapped around them and his face hidden against his knees. The boy was shaking and rocking slightly. Treize realized that he was having some sort of emotional break down and approached him slowly and carefully, kneeling down to make himself smaller.

“Duo?” he prodded, but the longhaired boy didn't respond, his limbs shaking with some sort of suppressed trauma.

“Duo” he said a bit louder. His paternal instincts were going wild seeing the slight body so tense and realizing that the boy was silently crying. He wanted to break Williams and Wes, but one he couldn't fire just for being verbally mean and the other he couldn't find, so all of his energy was concentrated on helping Duo. Duo's head shot up and Treize flinched, worried that he would slam his head into the sink. Duo's eyes were bloodshot and he looked ghostly pale.

“Sir?” Duo murmured. He blushed as he realized where he was and rubbed at his eyes.

“Are you alright?” Treize asked softly. Duo shook his head.

“I-I'm sorry.”

“For what?” Treize asked in confusion.

“For being so weak,” Duo murmured, still shaking, but not so hard. Treize smiled disarmingly.

“I'm not Wes, Duo, if you need to cry, just go ahead and do it. Besides, I'm the one who needs to apologize. I shouldn't have let him talk to you like that, you certainly didn't deserve it.”

“I keep hearing that it's my fault,” Duo said tiredly, “I've always thought that it had to be my fault, though it still hurts being told that. But, now Heero and Name and Une and you are all telling me that what I've always believed is wrong, that it's not my fault. I don't know what to believe anymore,” he muttered. Treize sat on the floor, his long legs hurting from crouching.

“Duo, you were raped. Someone else hurt you, you didn't do anything wrong. You're never responsible for the actions of others.”

Duo bit his lip, wanting very badly to believe that, but it was difficult. He had believed his entire life that he had deserved being raped, but he didn't want to believe that anymore. What he wanted was to go home and forget everything that had just happened. He didn't want to be shrouded in darkness anymore.

“He won't come near you anymore, I promise,” Treize tried to assure him.

“He's wrong,” Duo decided, “Even when Heero had hit me once, I never hated him for it. If I had to make the choice between living without Wes and living without Heero, right now, I'd choose being without Wes. As much as I consider Wes my only real father, I still hate him for what he did to me. Even when my body enjoyed it, I hated him. If it was my fault, I could have changed things, made them different, right?” Duo realized.

Treize nodded, offering Duo a hand, which he took as the two men got to their feet.

“I'm going to find Heero,” Duo decided.

“Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, then, don't worry about anything, ok, kiddo,” Treize ruffled the boy's hair and was relieved to find a small smile on Duo's face.

 

*****

 

 

“Duo!”

The violet eyed boy swore as he heard Wufei call his name.

`What now?!' he couldn't help but think. He had no idea where Heero was or if Une had brought him to Treize's office yet, but after the long, emotional day, he just wanted to go home and retreat to his room. Why was Wufei even at school this late anyway? He spun and glared at Wufei as he ran towards him.

“What?!” he snapped, feeling a bit guilty as the Chinese boy flinched. Wufei fidgeted under the longhaired boy's stare.

“I just… I want to apologize,” he explained, “I'm sorry for how I treated you, chasing you around, but I was desperate! I know that's no excuse, but I was. I thought that if I just kept at it, I could make you love me, even if it made me look like an idiot. I'm sorry for what I said at the hospital. I was angry and confused and said something really horrible about something I didn't understand. I'm still attracted to you. I mean, you're really beautiful, but… I realized that you're not the one I really love. There's someone I care about a lot, but I can't see him anymore. I shouldn't have transferred those feelings onto you. Mostly… I'm sorry for what happened to you. That man should be burning hell right now, not walking around as a free man. There's no justice in what happened to you, but I still want him to pay. I'm sorry that you had to lose your innocence.”

 

*****

 

Heero paused as he heard Duo and Wufei talking. He had spent the last couple of hours wandering around the school aimlessly, not wanting to be too far from Duo if something happened. The fear of Wes coming for Duo was too real in his mind and he kept remembering the panic attacks Duo had suffered in the hospital when he had been left alone. He really wished that Duo had accepted his mother's offer for a cell phone; it would have helped his nerves a lot. At the end of the two hours Duo had told him to wait, he had gone to Treize's office, only, to his surprise, to find it empty. Fortunately, he hadn't had to walk far before he had heard Duo's voice. He felt a little angry that Wufei had waited here until he could corner Duo, but realized that the apology was necessary for both Wufei and Duo. Also, Wufei's confession that he wasn't really in love with Duo was a godsend for Heero's heart. He knew that he probably didn't have a chance with Duo, but now that he no longer had a rival, it made things hurt just a tiny bit less.

“You're forgiven,” he heard Duo say, “And I told you before, I'd be glad to be your friend. As annoying and stubborn as you are, you're still a better person than most of my other classmates and I think that I could like you if you stopped acting so weird towards me.”

Heero took the chance to peek around the corner of the hallway that was successfully hiding him and saw Duo smile bitterly, the expression tearing at his heart. He really hated that smile sometimes.

“But, you're wrong about my innocence. I was never meant for butterflies, Wufei. I was always dirty.”

Duo's words made Heero feel sick inside and he wanted to protest and tell Duo that he wasn't dirty, not now, not ever, but he waited for Wufei to leave before he approached them.

 

*****

 

Duo looked over at Heero in shock as he appeared around the corner and he realized that he had been listening to him and Wufei. He replayed their conversation in his head, but couldn't find anything that would cause Heero to look so sad.

“Heero, I was looking for you!” Duo exclaimed.

“You know,” Heero said, “innocence is for sentimental fools and children, you're meant for something much more beautiful.”

Duo blushed deeply at his words and even deeper as Heero grabbed his hand, not letting go as he led him out the door.

 

End Part 1