Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ The Road to Kindness ❯ Surgery part 12 ( Chapter 19 )

The Road to Kindness Chapter 7 Part 12       The darkness had returned, only it wasn’t the same. Instead of the complete blackness Duo was used to, the dark had given way to terrible, leering shadows and small flashes of sight, detailed enough to be frightening, but too dim to give any sense of surety. Blackness would have been kinder, it would have made him blind, but as he tried to stare through the shadows, he was sure that he didn’t want to see. Everything else had remained the same. He couldn’t move, though instead of lying flat on a bed, he was now sitting on a hard floor, his back against something made of cold, hard metal and uncomfortable. He could smell sex and blood in the air, just like always, but now it seemed wrong, like there was something he was missing.           Duo lifted his head and looked through the shadows and dim light. He could see Chris and Heero, and as though he had been expecting them to be there, he was surprised, though they seemed wrong to him, too. The more he tried to pin down that wrongness, inexplicably, the more the dimness lifted. A severe coldness filled Duo’s still body as he saw that Chris was thrusting into Heero’s body and he finally realized what was wrong. The smell of blood and sex didn’t belong to him, and that thought alone was too impossible to consider, let alone that it might belong to Heero. The wet sounds of sex and pain were disgusting to him to listen to, but he discovered that he couldn’t scream as well as move.           It had to be terrible for Heero, Duo thought, his thoughts flashing a shocked gray in horror and rage. He knew the feeling first hand, knew how terrible it really felt to be violated, but Heero wasn’t making a sound. The light, as though it had heard his thoughts and knew it had a role to play, showed him one last, horrible detail; Heero’s throat was slashed, his front covered in blood, his eyes wide, unseeing, and Duo knew that if he could look down at himself, he would find that his throat had been cut, too.   *****           &n bsp; Duo jerked awake, panting, his heart pounding violently in his chest like a wild animal trying to escape a cage. The sheets were tangled in his legs, his face flushed with exertion, and Shiva had abandoned her peaceful spot by his chest to sit on the bed a few inches away, staring at him warily. Duo squeezed his eyes shut, but the image of Heero’s dead, violated body refused to leave him. Unlike so many of his other nightmares, this one was stubborn and strong, not fading, but remaining vivid, detailed, and sickening. The smell of sex and death lingered in the air, only because of his screwed up imagination, but that only made it more powerful.           The image of Chris’ large, thrusting cock buried inside of his best friend hit him suddenly, almost like a physical blow, and Duo’s stomach lurched, bile rising in his throat. The feeling in his stomach was so unpleasant and violent, he quickly rolled out of bed, somehow miraculously landing on his feet, and ran, almost stumbling, to his bathroom. Shiva, though cautious after the way Duo had been tossing and turning in his sleep, jumped off the bed and followed after him.           With a shaky hand, Duo hit the light switch in the bathroom as he passed it in a rush. He barely made it to the toilet before the pain in his ass and lower back flared back to life at his careless movements and he fell jarringly to his knees on the cold tile, all the strength drained from his legs. His black cat watched in concern as Duo retched, his stomach convulsing painfully. All Duo had to throw up was a few pizza slices and several bottles of water, so he dry heaved uncomfortably for a few minutes before his exhausted body finally had enough and he slumped against the toilet, the cool floor feeling like ice on his bare skin. His entire body shook as Duo flushed the toilet and collapsed against the wall with absolutely no strength left, his chest heaving in exertion. He tried to get control over himself, but it seemed impossible, like he was still in shock.           “Fuck,” Duo raped, his throat tight and sore from vomiting. Shiva mewed at him, somehow sounding worried, and crawled into his lap, her head pushing at his slack hand. Duo hugged her loosely, taking a small bit of comfort when she rubbed against his neck, his body still shuddering and shivering in the aftermath of the terrible nightmare.           “I just won’t sleep anymore,” he murmured to himself, “If I don’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time, I can’t dream.”           Shiva’s piercing gold eyes peered up at Duo and seemed accusing to him.           “It’s just for a little while,” he defended himself to his cat, “Just until I get over… this. I can’t have that dream again, Shiv’, I just can’t.”           “Myew,” Shiva responded, her ears pressed flat against her head as though she understood what Duo was telling her and didn’t like it at all. Duo closed his eyes, his fingers stroking his cat’s soft fur, and waited for the feeling to return to his legs. But, even when he could move again, standing proved to be harder than he had thought it would be. In just a few, stumbling steps, he felt something inside pull, followed quickly by an intense, white hot pain in his anus and he instantly felt warm blood trickle down his legs as the sudden movement opened his wounds again. A few drops splattered onto the white floor, but the blood was thin and stopped almost as quickly as it had started, which he thought was a good sign.           Biting back a hiss, Duo grabbed one of the hanging towels, took off his clothes, and cleaned himself off. It wasn’t easy at all. His body was still shaking in pain and weakness and he almost fell over a few times, but he managed to wipe all the blood away and stay on his feet, another sign he was starting to heal. Still, Duo couldn’t help but wonder if the constant shaking was because of his injuries, or his current nightmares. Shiva followed her owner as he uneasily walked back into his bedroom, tossing the bloody towel into the hamper. Duo knew that Name would find it in the morning and be worried, but he was too tired to try to hide or clean it.           Putting on clean clothes was much harder than taking his dirty ones off, but the loose shorts and long t-shirt he chose made him feel more comfortable. He winces as he sat back down on his bed and he had to lie down to make the worst of his pain subside, Shiva took her place back on his chest, purring loudly as he hugged her almost desperately.           Duo ran his fingers along Shiva’s spine, trying to root himself down in the feel of her warm fur, but it seemed useless. It felt like everything was closing in around him and he was panicking, unable to get a grip on anything solid. It was all too much like that first time; the pain, the isolation, even the black cat in his arms, his only companion, and he found himself drowning, fighting so hard to keep those terrible memories from dragging him under, into the dark and cold of his past. Had he dragged Heero there as well? He couldn’t stop thinking about that, about the damage he had done, about the horrors he had subjected his family to. He couldn’t do this, he realized. He couldn’t exist in that darkness all alone anymore, he didn’t have the strength. But he couldn’t exit with Heero down at his level, either. Seeing him there would just about hill his sanity. What was left of it, anyway.           Duo suddenly found himself staring at the screen of his cell phone, though he didn’t remember grabbing it and flipping it open. It was so odd, looking at it and realizing that the small piece of technology had saved his and Heero’s lives, especially considering he had been so hesitant to have one. Duo realized that, in his daze, he had opened his contact list and was looking right at Amaaya’s name and number.           Seeing his old friend’s information felt like an accusation to him. In seeing her, he had felt like he had accomplished something special. She had reminded him of how hard he had had it and how good he had things now, in finding a loving family with Name and Heero. But, having Chris hurt him so easily and feeling so distant from Heero, Duo felt like he was failing her, just like everyone else. It felt like, all those things he had accomplished and had felt proud of had been cheapened. She had been proud of him, of both of them, for escaping their old lives. Remembering how happy she had been of her own freedom, and how he had ruined his and the lives of his new friends, make Duo feel ashamed of himself.           Amaaya had told him that he could call her at any time, if he needed to talk, and if there was any time when he needed to talk to her, it was now. He felt like he needed to step back and look at everything that had happened objectively, but he was too close to what he was feeling to do that. Amaaya was his friend, but she wouldn’t coddle him if he didn’t want her to, she would be able to see what was wrong where none of them could. But mostly, he just wanted to hear a familiar voice, someone who could tell him he hadn’t fucked things up permanently, someone who could help him fight off that sickening nightmare…           Duo’s finger hovered over the ‘send’ button. She believed in him… it was such an odd concept, having so many people suddenly believe in him when he had such a hard time doing it, himself. He had made good, normal friends, had tried to get an education, had tried, if only for a little while, to escape the dangerous life of being a whore. Amaaya had seen that and had believed he could do it, that, for some reason, he deserved to try, that he was better than the rest of them and really could pull himself out of the gutter. In turn, she had started to believe in herself as well and she had succeeded. He didn’t want her to lose that fait in either of them. He knew what was important. It was the same thing that he had always believed was important; no matter how much he was hurting, no matter how tired he got, how hard it was to look his friends in the eye, he ha to pretend that everything was fine, that nothing was wrong. If he could just make everyone believe that, then maybe he could make himself believe it. At the very least, he would be able to assuage everyone else’s anxieties and fears if not his own. But…           There was nothing worse than being alone. He didn’t want to be that way anymore, didn’t want to cower in the dark when, all alone, there were people who could help him, if he just dared to reach out and ask for it. If only he could ask for it now… Duo hit the button and heard the ringing on the other end, once… twice… He could ask for help, right? So why did it feel less like looking for help and more like he was searching for someone to pull under with him? A slight pulling on his hair shook him out of his thoughts, almost startling him. He turned his head and smiled as he saw Shei batting at the end of his braid like it was a cat toy before pounding on it and wrapping her body around the heavy length of hair. Duo closed his phone and put it back on the bedside table.           “Silly,” he murmured affectionately, gently prying the kitten off his braid and placed her on his chest next to the larger black cat, kissing the top of her head. He didn’t think about calling Amaaya again. He was too ashamed to talk to her anyway. He closed his eyes in tiredness, but he didn’t fall back asleep, fighting against sleep with all his strength.   *****             Duo staved off sleep until every shadow had been replaced by the dim light of very early morning. If it had been a school day, he might have made it, but he was utterly tired and drained, and he knew that no one was expecting him to get up early today, so he was stuck in bed until everyone else woke. It was in those early hours that he finally drifted off to sleep. Fighting to stay awake against his exhaustion, with only his dark, tired thoughts to keep him company had been hellish, but his dreams were just as bad, more horrific than physically and mentally taxing or difficult. When he woke up again, he knew right away that he had had another nightmare. Though he could not remember what he had dreamed about, unlike that other terrible dream, his heart was pounding and he was filled with a fearful, repulsive feeling, so he knew it was something he didn’t want to remember anyway.           Duo wasn’t quite sure what had woken him up, the nightmare, the light knocking on his door, or the feeling of a rough tongue licking his cheek. He immediately cursed himself for falling asleep when he had sworn he wouldn’t, but he realized how much he needed those hours of sleep as he felt a little steadier and alert this morning. It seemed almost absurd to wake up in his room when his near-death experience in Boston loomed over him and his mind seemed to still be in that hotel room. He wondered how long it would be before those feelings faded.           Duo opened his eyes at the light licking and saw golden eyes looking down at him.           “Can I help you?” he murmured sleepily. Shiva mewed at him, rubbing her head against his cheek, then jumped off the bed.           “Duo?” he heard Quatre say from the other side of his bedroom door.           “Come in!” he called back, throwing back his covers to sit on the edge of his bed. The move hurt, which he had expected, but it didn’t tire him out, which surprised him. He really did feel better, he realized. His body still hurt, but he wasn’t as… hollow as he had been yesterday, which he thought of as a good sign and it made him feel emotionally better as well.           Quatre was all smiles as he came into the bedroom. That was one thing that always bothered Duo about Quatre, he could never tell if he was lying or not, including his facial expressions. He didn’t know if Quatre was just honest, he only smiled when he was happy and frowned when he was upset, or if he was just so good at hiding that Duo, who had gotten used to reading people in order to survive, couldn’t tell.           “Good morning,” the blonde said in a chipper tone. Duo wished he could wake up like that sometime.           “Morning,” he said softly.           “How are you feeling?” Quatre asked, kneeling down to pet Sammy, who was sitting faithfully at Duo’s feet and staring at Quatre distrustfully. Toby, who was usually the most alert, just seemed bored by the blonde boy’s presence as he lay on the pillows on the bed.           “Better,” Duo admitted.           “Name’s making breakfast and she thought you could use a shower,” Quatre told him, almost cautiously.           “I could,” Duo said with a small nod, “but I think I can manage on my own today.”           Quatre’s smile fell and Duo saw that the blonde had been anticipating, though clearly not looking forward to, a fight.           “I don’t want anyone to worry and I’m sure of my strength, yet, though, so you can stand outside the shower, if you want. I’d just rather I did everything on my own,” Duo quickly amended, blushing a little at the thought of Quatre helping him undress. When Heero had done it that one time, he had thought he would die of embarrassment, and he had been out of it at the time. However, Quatre quickly perked up at his words, which made Duo so relieved, he wondered if he would have let him undress him just to make him not look so upset.           “Ok,” Quatre agreed, stepping back to let Duo try standing on his own, though he watched him like a hawk. He remembered what had happened on the stairs yesterday, how easily Duo had fallen and how terrified he had been in thinking that no one would be able to get to him in time. Duo looked a lot better compared to yesterday, but Quatre wasn’t about to give Duo the opportunity to hurt himself again. He couldn’t help but think of how weak and sick Duo had been, so when the long haired stood and walked over to his dresser to collect some clean clothes without a single falter, Quatre felt relieved.           He still held the door open for him and closed it behind them, though Shiva tried to follow and let out a small growl of irritation when the door closed. Duo never kept her out of the bathroom. She didn’t mind the water, but he gave the best pets when he was relaxing in the tub and, since Duo was acting so strange, she wanted to keep an eye on him. She yowled again, but the door didn’t open, so she sat by the doorway, her long, black tail twitching anxiously.           For a paranoid moment, Duo was sure that there would be some sort of evidence of last night’s panic attack, but everything looked normal. He vowed that he would wash his clothes from yesterday himself so Name wouldn’t find out. He was glad that Quatre hadn’t asked him why he was wearing different clothes this morning, he didn’t think he could come up with an explanation that wouldn’t sound strange. He put his clean clothes on the toilet, in reach of the shower, and felt momentarily guilty about keeping the truth from Quatre, but he quickly dismissed it. Telling the truth would only make the blonde worry needlessly, so what would be the point? Duo turned on the water and turned to look at Quatre, who was staring at him intently. Duo waited for him to turn around so he could get dressed, but the blonde didn’t move.           “You know you have to turn around eventually, right?” Duo said dryly, “I know we’re both guys, but I’m not really all that comfortable about getting naked when you’re staring at me.”           Quatre blushed to the roots of his fair hair, giving him the look of a tomato that had been out in the bright sunlight for so long, its leaves had become bleached.           “Sorry!” he stammered, then almost immediately sobered, continuing to stare, seeming to be immersed in his thoughts.           “Duo, I want to apologize,” he began. He wished he had done this yesterday, but he had spent all last night in a fretful sleep, rolling around the decision. Duo deserved an apology, but he had worried that it would make things worse instead of better. Truthfully, he didn’t think that any of them had slept well last night.           “Don’t,” Duo pleaded. He didn’t want to hear anymore apologies from people that hadn’t done anything wrong. Why couldn’t they see that all the blame rested on him?           “No, I want to say this!” Quatre insisted. He walked forward, placing his pale hands on Duo shoulders.           “I’m so terribly sorry for what happened,” Quatre started in a firm, but truly remorseful tone. If he took a moment to truly listen to himself, Quatre would have recognized the tone as one that his father used whenever a client caught a mistake and he needed to sound honest, but also in control and strong. It was one of the few attributes his father had that he still admired, which was saying something since it seemed like the more time that had passed since he had last seen his father, the more things he discovered that he had truly loathed about him.           “I never should have left you and Heero alone,” he continued, “that was irresponsible of me. I hadn’t been thinking logically! No matter my reasons for doing it, I put the two of you in jeopardy and there’s no excuse for that. I wish I had shown some common sense and had staid with you!”           “No!” Duo snapped, his eyes wide with fear, “Don’t you ever wish that!”           Quatre gave him a confused look.           “I’m glad you left us,” Duo confessed. For a moment, Quatre wondered if his silly little plan had worked and Heero had told Duo how he felt and that was why the two of them weren’t talking. But if that was the case, he realized, why would Duo be glad about it?           “Even if you had been there, it wouldn’t have stopped Chris,” Duo explained, “He would have just taken you, too, because he would have seen you as a threat. He would have tried to kill you, too, or-,” Duo’s face suddenly drained of color as a truly horrifying, disgusting thought came to him.           What if Chris had kidnapped Quatre, too? Would he have simply killed him, or would he consider the sweet, famous little blonde an offer too good to pass up? What if Chris would have made Quatre into Duo’s replacement, turning the pretty boy into nothing more than a whore, like he had been? The thought made him feel almost violently ill again. Hadn’t that been what his dream had been about?           The likelihood of something like that happening was tiny, though. A man like Chris would probably never keep a hold of someone as high profile as Quatre Raberba Winner, but there was that one haunting possibility… Chris had been so cocky in Boston, truly believing he would get away with murdering Heero Yuy, and if he believed that, what if he believed he could get away with turning Quatre into his and Wes’ next golden boy? It sickened him even further to think about the sort of men who would really be interested in buying Quatre’s body for a few hours, maybe even a full night. He knew those men well, the certain type that like pretty, little boys who looked like they could break with one well-placed slap, he knew men like that by the boat load. Or maybe it would have been worse than that. Maybe Chris would be so cocky, he would have advertised Quatre’s true identity and anyone who had a grudge against the Winner family, or just liked the idea of having control over a celebrity, would use him for rough sex, the sort of sex that Duo still had nightmares about.           Quatre looked at Duo worriedly as he shivered.           “I guess I shouldn’t be sorry, then,” Quatre conceded, “If I couldn’t have done anything to help, and in the end, you and Heero got out alive anyway. But I am still sorry about what happened, if not my guilt in it, and there’s nothing you can say to change that.”           Duo shrugged in acceptance, trying hard to get rid of his disturbing thoughts.           “Can you turn around now?” he tried to find his humorous tone again, but wasn’t finding anything funny at the moment. Quatre finally turned around and Duo got undressed, blushing as darkly as Quatre had. He was suddenly hit with a strong feeling of déjà vu and realized he had done this before, in the hospital with Heero on his last day before he had been released, though that felt like an eternity ago to him now.           The hot water felt heavenly on his bruises and dirty skin. Duo closed his eyes as he leaned his forehead against the wall, letting the water thoroughly soak him, weighing down his long hair. He instantly felt clean, even before he picked up the soap and started to wash himself. He easily could have stayed under the water for hours before moving, but with Quatre waiting for him, he hurried things along. After he finished his hair, he dared to lightly examine his entrance. Sure enough, he could feel the tears in the fragile skin there, but he had had much worse before and knew he would heal if he just gave himself a few days, but faced with an injury he had wanted to believe he would never have inflicted on him again, it seemed terrible, no matter how severe the actual injury was.           Quatre was still blushing when Duo got out of the shower, though Duo could only see it if he looked in the mirror as the blonde kept his back turned even as Duo got redressed. Quatre fidgeted, feeling odd that his friend was naked so close to him. If he was this flustered now, he didn’t even want to think how poorly he would have reacted if he had had to actually help Duo shower.           “Ready,” Duo announced. Quatre turned, catching Duo just finishing up his braid. He felt an odd pang of remorse, wishing he could have caught Duo with his hair down for once. He knew that it was something rare, without even asking Duo about it. He wondered if Heero had even seen it either.           Quatre had only ever seen long hair on girls and boys like Zechs Merquise, who wore their hair like they were princes and needed to be different from everyone else, turning their hair into stuck-up, shimmering banners. Duo’s hair was different and, Quatre was a little bit ashamed to say, he had been fascinated with it the moment he had met Duo. Duo’s hair made him look more like an elf, or another sort of earthly, wispy creature than a higher than air prince, something that looked completely natural, not like someone who needed to prove that they were more important than anyone else.           Quatre shook his head, clearing his thoughts. He had always known that Duo was different, hair or not. He was a soothing sort of person, who was easy to be a friend with, because you knew you never had to plat act with him. Either he liked you or he didn’t, he had seen what people were really like and seemed incapable of judging, or at least, he was very capable of accepting anyone while looking through their bullshit, it was those qualities that made all the bad things that kept happening to Duo seem all the more terrible to Quatre.           Duo moved past Quatre and opened the bathroom door. Shiva was still sitting outside the door and rubbed against his legs happily.           “Hey, baby,” Duo cooed, kneeling down to pick up the black cat, petting her ears. Quatre smiled softly as he watched the other boy coddle his cat.           “She really is your favorite, isn’t she?” Quatre noted. Duo blinked at him and shrugged as Shiva curled up against his chest, relaxing in his familiar arms.           “I guess we’ve always had a connection,” Duo admitted, “With all my other cats, I had to work to gain their trust, but even when Shiva was a kitten, she spent more time with me than her mother or siblings. I love all my cats, but Shiva’s always been special to me,” Duo kissed the top of the cat’s head and she purred in response, “Let’s go get some breakfast, huh, girl?”           At the magical word of “breakfast”, Sammy practically shot off the bed and pawed at the door, making Quatre chuckle. He opened the door for the Bengal, who eagerly ran down the steps. Toby, who was much older and wiser than the young leopard-cat, simply followed Duo, matching stride for stride. Also unlike Sammy and Shiva, Toby ate a lot less of the cat food that was given to him. It wasn’t because he was older or picky, he had just been a feral cat for too long. That there was the promise of food for him was nice and he liked the taste, but he was a natural-born hunter and ate what he caught, which was more satisfying to him than being fed every meal. Shei was still sleeping and Duo needed to ask Name what she had been feeding her, so he left her alone.           Quatre and Duo could smell waffles while they were still on the stairs. It was a delightful smell, something that Duo had always loved, but today, he didn’t feel any sort of fondness for it. Truthfully, he didn’t feel hungry at all, which should have been strange. What little bit of food he had had, he had thrown up last night, so he should have been starving, but not only did he not feel like eating anything, his stomach wasn’t even growling. He wanted to be worried about it, but Trowa had said he shouldn’t have solid food for a few days anyway, so even if he really wanted waffles, he couldn’t have them.           Trowa, Heero, and Name were already in the kitchen. Trowa and Name were finishing up with setting the table and, to Duo’s surprise, Heero was filling up the cats’ food and water bowls, a chore that had always been Duo’s. Heero sensed that he was being watched and looked up from his task, meeting Duo’s gaze. A heavy, tense silence filled the room. Duo’s tongue moved in his mouth, a familiar, friendly greeting perched on it, but it didn’t fall, remaining stagnant, audible only to him. Heero looked terrible, Duo thought, like he hadn’t slept at all and he was sure that that was his fault, too. He felt like it wasn’t just his words that were stagnant, but his entire being.           They should be moving forward from this, Duo realized, he should be moving forward. Instead, he felt lost, perpetually stuck in the same, terrible pace. Duo didn’t know who broke first, him or Heero, but they stopped looking at each other, Heero finishing with the bowls and Duo walking slowly, almost hesitantly, towards the kitchen table. Name let out a terse breath, as though she had been holding it in for a good, long while. She had hoped that, with a new day, the two boys would let go of whatever reason they had for avoiding each other. She should have known better, she realized, they were both too stubborn to do such a thing. Instead of scolding them for it, she hugged Duo tightly. Yesterday, when she had been on the road to Massachusetts, she had been sure she would get there only to find Heero and Duo dead. For now, she was just glad that the both of them were alive and healthy, for the most part.           “Good morning, honey,” she greeted, releasing Duo and smoothing his wet bangs from his eyes, “You look much better this morning.”           “I feel a lot better,” he told her. His spirits felt lifted just by her presence.           “Good,” she said, “I want you to relax today. I made you some cream of wheat, so why don’t we have a nice breakfast?”           Duo nodded. His love of cream of wheat had become a long standing joke, though it didn’t seem like anyone was going to rise to the challenge of cracking jokes this morning. Instant cream of wheat was cheaper than cereal or bread or eggs, so Wes had bought it regularly and the creamy mixture had always tasted good to Duo, even as a child, but when he had had it here, Name had taught him that you could add cinnamon and fruit, two rarities in Wes’ apartment, to make it taste even better. Cream of wheat had quickly become one of Duo’s favorite breakfast foods, especially when it was cold out. However, Quatre and Heero hated it, Trowa preferred oatmeal, and Name only ate it during the winter. This became funny when they ran out of cereal, which happened frequently, but they seemed to never run out of cream of wheat, so Heero and Quatre were almost literally forced to eat it.           As Duo sat down at the table, Trowa ruffled Duo’s hair, smirking at the longhaired boy’s glare.           “Any pain or health issues I should know about?” the tall boy asked. Duo shook his head, once again feeling bad about not coming clean about last night. Trowa had really come through for him yesterday. The only relationships that came close to the unfaltering, protective presence Trowa gave him were Shi and Solo. Though Trowa was older than him, he never treated Duo like he was a little kid. He didn’t know how he would have coped if Trowa hadn’t been gently leading him and protecting him. He guessed that, if he had to sum up how he felt about Trowa, it would have to be that he thought Trowa was a lot like a big brother to him. They had a lot in common, and though Trowa occasionally teased him, he was also kind, gentle, and tried hard to guard Duo and help him out. Heero was the same way, but Heero was rather glad that he didn’t see the boy he loved as a sibling figure.           Heero and Duo spent the meal picking at their food, but Heero managed to eat more than Duo. The cream of wheat tasted good, just like always, but with each spoonful, Duo’s stomach tightened and ached. He barely managed to eat half of the small bowl before the strain and vague nausea from forcing himself to eat made him give up.           “Are you alright?” Trowa asked in concern. He was trying to keep an eye out for signs of an infection and Duo’s lack of appetite was worrisome. Duo pushed his plate away from him slightly.           “I don’t feel like eating anything,” Duo murmured, “and eating just makes my stomach hurt.”           Quatre’s look mirrored Trowa’s and he opened his mouth to scold Duo for not eating when he needed the strength, but Name beat him to it.           “That’s alright, sweetie, just eat what you can, I don’t want you getting sick,” she said with a soft smile, but inside, she was worried. It certainly wasn’t the first time Duo had problems eating, but with his anemia, malnutrition, and already slim frame, he couldn’t afford to lose any weight. She didn’t know what would be worse, if Duo’s lack of appetite was physical or mental. Name caught Heero sneak secret, concerned glances at Duo. That was something else that was worrying her, yet another thing she wasn’t sure how to fix.           It was a terrible thing to think, but she had always thought she would be a bad mother because both her job and her family forced her to lie, whether directly or indirectly. One of the reasons why she had loved Heero’s father so deeply was that he had taught her how to be more honest, to him and to herself. Still, she thought she wasn’t very good at solving problems with the truth, which was what she needed in dealing with Heero and Duo. Name shook off her thoughts, remembering what Trowa had told her about giving them time and she knew that he was right.           It turned out that none of them had much in the way of appetite, though they ate more than Duo and Heero did. The dishes were collected and cleared and the teenagers left the kitchen, all except for Duo, who was stopped by Name.           “Duo, I have your posters in my room if you want to put them up today,” she told him. Duo stared at her in confusion for a few seconds before it came to him. He had completely forgotten the posters and snow globe he had bought at the museum. He was suddenly glad that Quatre had been the one to carry the bags. Losing those things seemed small compared to everything that had happened, but Duo would have felt terrible about wasting all that money.           “Sure,” he said and followed Name as she walked out of the kitchen and down the hall to her room.           “I’m very proud of you, you know,” Name said softly as she opened her bedroom door. Duo stopped in mid-step, looking at her with a shocked, wide expression.           “H-how-,” he stammered. Name smiled fondly at him.           “In the past, you would have hid from this, maybe run away, but you’re here, with us, letting us help you. I know how hard it is, and I’m proud of you, of all the steps you’ve taken since we met,” she said softly. Duo blushed at that. How could he think about running away again, when every time he did it, he only ever thought about coming home again? And now, how could he ever run away again when Name was proud of him?           Name’s bedroom was dark with the lights off, but the window shades were open and Duo could see the cat bed in the corner of the room where Patches and her kittens were sleeping. Even from where he was standing by the door, Duo could tell how skinny the Calico cat was and couldn’t help smiling fondly. Name kept the lights off as she snuck into the room as though she were an intruder, grabbing a couple bags near her bed, and just as quickly retreating.   *****          & nbsp;  Duo was caught, like so many times with Name, between being annoyed at her refusal to do any work, even helping her hold up the posters, and happy that she cared enough about him to be slightly overprotective. She only let him help frame the two posters, which didn’t take that much work, and while she fixed them to the wall, Duo sat on his bed, took the wrappers off his newly bought books and movies, and arranged them on his book shelf. The snow globe of the museum looked quite at home on his desk and Duo couldn’t resist giving it a little shake.           Name finished her work in minutes, standing back, dusting off her hands, and looking at the pictures. Just like Duo and Amaaya, Name’s eyes strayed to the painting of the two starving children.           “So sad,” she murmured to herself, “but apt,” she said louder, giving Duo an intense look that made him blush slightly.           “I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I saw it,” Duo admitted, “It’s how I’ve always felt, especially now. I’ve had nothing for so long that the simplest, littlest things make me happy.”           Name gave him a brief, but warm hug and kissed his cheek.           “As long as they make you happy, nothing is small or unimportant,” she said softly, “Now, I’m going to do everyone laundry before school starts again-,”           “I can do my own,” Duo protested. Not only was he worried about her finding his blood stained clothes, he wanted to stay busy. He didn’t have any homework and he was worried about how he would react to being alone after his assault. Busy work had always been a good way to keep his mind off things he didn’t want to think about.           “Are you sure?” Name asked worriedly, not wanting to necessarily shelter him, but she remembered how weak he had been yesterday and knew he wasn’t nearly all better yet.           “It’s not a big deal,” he assured her,” I don’t have a lot of laundry and it’s not like I’ll be running up and down the stairs.”           “Alright,” Name conceded, “I need to go to the grocery store anyway. Is there anything you would like me to get you?”           Despite having no appetite, there was nothing Duo suddenly wanted more than a juicy hamburger or something with noodles and a ton of garlic and that he couldn’t have either of those things was frustrating.           “I can only really eat soup and yoghurt,” Duo pointed out, “But chicken soup or tomato soup sounds ok.”           “I’ll get some strawberry ice cream and chocolate milk for you, too,” Name said with a soft smile. Duo beamed back at her. Even if he didn’t feel like having anything, if he had to eat something, it might as well be something he loved.           “Thanks,” he told her, and though he was a little bit annoyed by it, he let her carry his hamper downstairs into the laundry room. She showed him the special cat food the vet had given Shei for her first few months, got suggestions from Quatre and Trowa about what she should get from the grocery store, and left. Duo felt oddly abandoned at her sudden absence, but quickly shook it off as him being ridiculous.           Having things to do really did help Duo to feel better, or at least it made him feel less useless. It was something he had yet to grow out of, the feeling that he should be constantly busy and if he ever found himself with time to relax, he would be punished for it. He knew that no one here would ever do that, but he couldn’t let go of that feeling. He had been hit and yelled at too many times to not expect that sort of treatment. It was frustrating, remaining at that level of fear and expectation, but it was also kind of nice, anticipating pain and having it never happen.           Chores like cleaning and doing the dishes or laundry were some of the few things Name asked of Duo that he was comfortable with doing. Cooking, taking care of the plants, or even helping her go through the mail had been alien to him and she had had to teach him how to do it. He still felt like he didn’t know what he was doing, but he had done Wes’ laundry all the time, even back when he had been too small to reach the dials on the washing machine without using a stool. Quatre claimed to love doing the laundry because it was relaxing, but Duo wasn’t so sure about that. The loud noise of the machine and having to wait for the clothes to dry was annoying, but the soft warmth of the clothes once they were done was pretty nice. There were few things better than clothes straight from the dryer on a cold, winter day.           Duo finished with all the laundry, including his friends, but left the clothes on the dryer to bring them up later and went into the kitchen to fix Shei her breakfast.           The kitten must have smelled her food as Duo came into his room, because she made loud cries when he closed the door, balancing milk and food in his hands. Duo realized that she actually was a lot better than she had been as a newborn, she was still too small and the way she refused to jump off tall things, like his bed, because of her leg worried him, but other than that, she acted like a cat her age should and beside her wariness of heights, she seemed to have absolutely no fear. All he could do was hope she would grow upright and not be handicapped for the rest of her life. Even if she was, he would still take care of her the best he could.           Duo put the bowls on the floor and picked Shei off the bed, gently placing her on the floor and smiled as she greedily attacked her food. At least she had never had any more appetite problems after the night she had been born and refused to eat.           “Good girl,” he murmured and sat on his bed. He almost wished that he had homework to do, but he did have new books and movies to occupy his time. He didn’t really care what he did, as long as he didn’t have to think. He had no idea how he was going to function in school with Heero, continuing to avoid him when they had so many classes together, it was hard enough with a wall between them… Duo looked up at the poster that had caught Name’s attention and felt a stab of guilt.           Did he even have the right to complain about… anything? Here he was, moping about Heero hating him, but he still had his family, he still had food and shelter. Compared to how his life had been going only a few months ago, he felt like he was just… whining. He was grateful and happy, so why did he feel so miserable, too?           There was a tentative knock on his door and Duo knew it was Quatre before he told them to come in. He wondered if Quatre had instinctively known he was lonely, or if the blonde had been just generally worried about.           “Hey, do you want to see a movie?” Quatre asked excitedly, closing the door behind him.           “Sure,” Duo said, feeling just as excited as Quatre looked, though more because of the presence of his friend than a movie. He was sick of feeling sorry for himself and ashamed of every one of his thoughts and actions. Just once, he wanted to let everything go and get lost in something meaningless, but fun.           “How are you feeling, really?” Quatre asked as he picked out one of the new movies from the bookshelf and put it into the DVD player. Duo shrugged.           “I’ll be fine by Monday,” he tried to assure him.           “That’s not what I asked,” Quatre lightly scolded, sitting next to Duo on the bed. Duo chewed on his bottom lip, watching the pre-menu previews on the television, but not really paying attention to them.           “I’m tired,” he admitted slowly, “My muscles still ache, mostly where he… touched me,” he blushed. He had thought that talking to Heero about these things was hard, but with Quatre, it seemed almost impossible. Trowa understood everything he said about his sexual history, so he was the most comfortable with him. Heero had lived so long in a sheltered existence that, at first, Duo had assumed it would be impossible talking to him, his feelings for the Japanese boy and his desire to keep the past from him because he didn’t want Heero to dislike him notwithstanding. But after awhile, especially after the incident with Relena and the seniors from school, he had relied on Heero’s attention and acceptance more than anyone’s. After Wufei’s outburst in the hospital, Duo had resolved to never talk to Wufei about it. He knew that Wufei didn’t feel the same way now, but he also knew that his past still deeply bothered the other teenager. Quatre, on the other hand, Duo wasn’t really sure how he felt about it.           “Mostly, I have no appetite and I feel worn thin, but most of the pain is gone,” Duo continued. He grabbed the remote as the menu came on and turned on the movie.           “And what about this thing with Heero?” Quatre asked hesitantly, remembering what his lover had told him about not approaching Heero or Duo about it, but he was too curious, and too worried, not to ask.           “I don’t want to talk about it,” Duo murmured, “Please, Quatre, I just don’t want to talk about what happened anymore.”           Quatre nodded and the two of them lapsed into silence as the movie played, becoming distracted by and enthralled in the plot.           “Actually, for such an old movie, this is really good,” Quatre remarked, “I normally don’t like horror movies, especially ones about vampires, but this was really well made.           Duo smiled slightly, glad that they weren’t going to be talking about his problems anymore. He was also glad that Quatre liked the movie, too. It wasn’t often he met anyone who liked the things he did. He remembered the thrill he had felt when he had first learned that Heero loved horror movies almost as much as he did.           “I remember seeing this version as a kid, but I don’t remember where. I hardly was ever allowed to watch TV, though maybe Wes or one of my customers had it on,” Duo said, “Nowadays, everything’s a remake, sequel, prequel, adaptation, or based off something. It’s like no one in America has an original thought anymore. Decent movies and music and cultural thought died out in the 80’s,” Duo grumbled, “There are some exclusions, but it seems like no one in this country wants to think and feel anymore. I mean, this movie’s a remake and an adaptation, but the way it was made makes it look and feel completely original.”           “Remakes are just a fad,” Quatre pointed out, “Like the war movie fad from ten years ago, or the Italian giallo revival ten years before that.”           Duo sighed heavily.           “I wish I had been around for that,” he mourned, “I wouldn’t have minded a Dario Argento film era. It just seems like my generation has passed all the really beautiful things by and have inherited all this… crap. The economy is worth shit, everyone’s despondent and depressed, technology and reform are stagnant while culture is just dead, and war is everywhere in Europe and Asia. The numbers for crime, bankruptcy, suicide, and homelessness are higher than they’ve ever been in this country.”           Quatre patted his hand.           “Every generation has its problems,” he soothed, “Things will get better, then it will get worse again. That’s just life.”           “I guess so,” Duo muttered, “I guess it’s hard to see the good after the way I’ve been living. Is it any different in Europe?”           “Not really,” Quatre shrugged, “Like you said, in a lot of countries, there are wars either brewing or breaking out, mostly because of the universal economy. According to my sister, Iria, things in my home country have become very strained, but things weren’t so bad in Italy,” suddenly, Quatre made a high pitched sound and clapped his hands together, making Duo jump in surprise at the sound and the tension of the movie as someone was brutally killed on the television screen.           “That reminds me!” Quatre said hyperactively, “I called Iria last night and asked her about taking the kittens. She said she’d love to and he’s coming around in a few weeks.”           Duo’s interest was piqued at the thought of meeting a member of Quatre’s family.           “That’s good news,” he responded, “I don’t really want to give them away, but Shei is already pushing it at eight. Though, I guess with Patches staying with Name, Cassy staying with you and Trowa, and Angel and Cotton in Heero’s room, it doesn’t seem that overwhelming.”           As though he knew they were talking about him, Toby gave them a piercing look, yawned, and closed his eyes again at his spot on Duo’s pillow, the tip of his tawny tail twitching, belying his relaxed pose.           “She’s your older sister?” Duo asked. He didn’t know very much about Quatre’s family. He knew that he was from Saudi Arabia, he and his father weren’t speaking because of Quatre’s sexuality, he had a lot of sisters, and he was the only son, but that was it.           “I’m the youngest,” Quatre explained, “Iria’s thirty-two, though she’s not my oldest sister.”           “It must be nice having siblings,” Duo mused out loud. Quatre chuckled.           “Well, having a horde of older sisters took all the novelty out of our relationships,” the blonde said in bitter humor.           “How many sisters do you have?” Duo asked in confusion.           “Twenty-nine,” Quatre answered.           “Holy shit!” Duo gaped at him, “Is that even possible?!”           “My siblings are a mix of clone, in-vitro, and test tube technology,” Quatre told him with a slight smirk, “That’s why I have so many sisters and why they all look so similar. Thanks to my mother, all of my sisters have fair skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes, like me, but I was the only natural birth. My mother was French, so I guess my family is a little untraditional in that respect, but except for me, my father was pretty happy that his daughters looked like her. He was hoping that I would be more like him.”           “But why so many kids?” Duo questioned, “And why the birth technology? The way you talk about your dad, he seems very traditional. You’d think he would disapprove of having kids that way.”           “Above all else, my father is a business man,” Quatre said bitterly, his eyes fixed to the television screen, stormy and conflicted, “Even his religion is second to that nature. When his business started to grow, he wanted to have more and more kids to help manage all his holdings and expand the business. That’s why he wanted girls. He thought they would be easier to control and more likely to expand the family. He’s never seen his kids as anything more than… business proposals. He had to turn to science because my mother had a weak heart and, if she ever gave birth naturally, the strain could have killed her,” Quatre’s fingers dug into his pants, “But when the time came for him to get an heir, he decided to risk her health for a ‘real’ birth.”           “But why risk it?” Duo asked softly, “We don’t have the science yet to alter natural born gender, just test tube embryos. What if your mother gave birth to another girl and it killed her?”           Quatre snorted, almost angrily.           “He didn’t care, he just had to have a natural born son,” Quatre spat out.           “… Your mother… she died, didn’t she?” Duo asked hesitantly. Quatre nodded.           “I’m so sorry,” the American breathed out. Quatre smiled sadly at him.           “I love my family,” he whispered, his voice tight, “I even love my father, I hate him for the mistakes he’s made, but I still love him. Isn’t that how you feel about Wes?”           Duo swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat.           “I guess it’s sicker with me, huh? Wes isn’t my father and the things he did weren’t mistakes, he never felt bad about anything he did to me. If you say you hate your father, people would think you were just being selfish, that you’re a bad son, but when I say that I love Wes… people think I’m a pervert. They think that I liked the abuse, that I deserved it. I hate what he turned me into, I hate him for breaking me and stealing away my humanity. But… he’s all I had for so long and there are… things that I love about him, things that I will always be grateful for,” he said in a pained tone. He was shocked at how easily he was telling Quatre those things, but after hearing about Quatre’s family, he sort of felt like he was seeing Quatre for the first time.           As kind and friendly as his friend was, Duo realized that Quatre had never really talked to him about his family before. Of course, he hadn’t exactly talked to anyone about his past, either, not until he had been pushed into a corner and had been unable to lie anymore.           “That doesn’t make you a pervert,” Quatre said, placing his hand over Duo’s, “I wish you could just hate him, it would certainly be simpler, but anyone who faults you for your feelings can’t possibly understand what love really is,” he smiled, as though he had completely shaken off the somber mood that had fallen in the room.           “In any case, I know you and Iria will get along well!” he said cheerfully. Duo smiled back. It was easy to feel better sitting next to the brilliant sunshine that was Quatre Winner.   *****            ;  Shadows moved all around him, but he could see their lurching, flowing shapes more clearly than he could ever want to, just enough to be terrified of them, but not close to understanding what they are.           He could smell the blood and semen, thick and vicious and he knew, before even trying, that he couldn’t move. The wet, violent sounds of sex filled the air along with heavy grunts and the creaking of old wood and metal chains. Duo felt phantom tears trail down his face at the sight of Chris on top of Heero. Ice filled his body as he fought against whatever was holding him down, but he couldn’t escape it. The sound of Heero’s screams made his insides shudder, the smell of his blood making his stomach crawl into his throat.           All of a sudden, the screaming stopped. Duo heard the shick of sharp metal across skin and bone and Heero’s body fell limp. Duo’s body shook in revulsion and shock as the sex sounds continued, on and on.           A piercing, feminine scream shot through the hellish act from across the room, making Duo’s body still and his eyes widen. His confused brain couldn’t figure out what was happening, only knowing that this wasn’t supposed to happen, even as the woman’s blood-curdling screams continued.           I know that voice.       &nbs p;   The thought was like being stabbed, sudden and alarming. It wasn’t Name’s voice, or even Sister Helen’s, but the voice was familiar, he had heard it at least once before, tinged with an accent, Boston or New York… then, under her screams were the even shriller cries of an infant.           Duo turned his head towards the new, completely alien sounds, but he only saw a pair of naked, hairless, slender legs from which, in between them, a huge pool of blood was traveling down to Duo, soaking his pants. Next to the legs was a sluggishly moving bundle of cloth that was stained a deep, soaked red. He couldn’t see either the baby or the woman’s face.   *****           & nbsp; Duo awoke on the floor of his room, his back throbbing in a stabbing pain and his breaths coming out in whooshing pants. He heard a door fly open out in the hall and someone run to his door.           “Duo…?” he heard Heero’s voice ask in worry and fear.           “Go away…” Duo choked out, not wanting Heero to see him in such a pathetic state, in too much pain to move, his hands shaking in emotional shock, not wanting to see Heero at all, not after what he had dreamed about, “Please… just go away…”           It seemed like an eternity had passed before he heard Heero’s familiar stride, though clearly hesitant, moving back to his room and the door closed. He closed his eyes, concentrating on getting his heart beat back to normal. He heard Shiva mew at him in concern in a tone that was so similar to Heero’s, Duo had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing. He was surprised that Heero had backed off so easily. It was just further proof of the issues between them. Had he screwed up their friendship so much that Heero was just pretending to still be worried about him? Oh, he so badly wanted to not believe that…           Duo grunted as he struggled to sit up, his back protesting with several strong aches. His sleepy brain tried to piece together the puzzle of what had just happened. He remembered holding off sleep until it had been either very late at night or very early in the morning and then, out of sheer exhaustion and hope, he had decided to risk sleep, thinking that, perhaps, the nightmare had been a fluke. It had been a foolish thought. He knew himself well enough to know the lengths his subconscious would go to just to punish himself. And he had had another nightmare, that was clear enough, and it was just as terrible as the last one. The only thing that had kept him from throwing up again was that he had been expecting the nightmare again. And, clearly, the dream had still been so bad, he had tossed so much, he had actually fallen out of bed, which was pretty embarrassing on any scale.           Duo pulled himself back into bed where Shiva nearly pounced on him, rubbing against his neck and licking his cheek. He scratched the top of her head, letting her settle on his chest. He understood the first part of the dream, but the rest of it… Why would he dream about a woman and her child, especially a woman that he was sure he had never met? But… the thing was… he was sure that he had met her before. He couldn’t pinpoint her voice, but he was just so damn sure that he knew her…           Had Quatre’s story about his mother’s death gotten to him so badly that it had invaded into his nightmares? But, if that were true, why did he know the voice? Shouldn’t he have dreamed of a blonde woman and blonde baby instead of a woman whose face he couldn’t see? Unless his fucked-up subconscious had superimposed his own mother onto what had happened to Quatre’s… but even that didn’t seem possible since he didn’t remember anything about his mother. Why hadn’t he dreamed of Name? She was a better mother to him than his real mother had ever been. But then again, he really would have been sick if it had been her in his nightmare…           Duo’s eyes shot open as he suddenly realized in shock that the voice in his nightmare was the same exact one he had heard singing to him when he had been hallucinating in the hospital. Was it possible that he could remember his mother’s voice? A chill settled in his stomach. If he had ever heard his mother’s voice, it had to have been when he was a baby, so how could he possibly remember it? In the hospital, he had assumed that he had only been hallucinating a random, comforting voice, but to hear the same exact voice, months later? The ramifications of that made him shiver.           What if that woman he kept hearing really was his mother, what if he really was remembering her? He wasn’t really sure that he wanted to remember the family he had never really known. He had spent so much time as a child agonizing over it, what they had been like and why he had been forced to live the life of a lonely adult for as long as he could remember, but did he really want to know the truth?           If he remembered anything at all about his mother, he had to have been at least three or four the last time they had been together, which made sense. He wouldn’t have been able to survive on his own if he had been abandoned as a baby. But what had happened? That question had plagued him through his worst moments. Had his parents died and he had simply ended up on the streets because there was no one to care for him? Had he gotten lost or kidnapped and they were still searching for him, or, and this seemed much more likely to Duo, his parents had become too poor, too lazy, or too selfish to take care of a child and had simply abandoned him and moved on?           Duo rubbed at his eyes. Did he even want to remember his family or what had happened? Truthfully, given the terrible things that had happened to him, because he had had no shelter with a family, and through his own faults, he was too scared to try and go looking for those buried memories. Even if he did, would it really be worth it? He had a great family now, wonderful friends, a woman who had taken him in, even though he had been almost a stranger to her… even if he did remember, where would that leave him? Either his family was dead, which wouldn’t change anything, they were alive and wanted them back, which would only fill him with regret and wrench him away from his current family, or they had abandoned him, which would only haunt him worse than the not knowing had. No matter what the truth was, Duo couldn’t really envision a happy, tearful reunion or any of his problems going away at the sudden revelation of where he had come from.           So… what was his brain trying to tell him? Was Quatre’s mournful feelings towards his dead mother supposed to make him feel the same way about his missing one? He realized that he would never really feel that sort of deep, unapologetic sadness towards his unknown parents. Even if they had died, no matter what had happened, he had been abandoned, he had ended up alone and miserable and he just couldn’t feel sadness towards people he had never known, would never know, and could never possibly understand. Maybe, through his father, Quatre knew and understood his mother, but Duo could only think of all the things that had been taken from him, that he had been deprived of, because of stranger that should have been his whole world.           Duo sighed heavily, flipping on his lamp and looked over at his clock. It was five in the morning… right now, the teachers and chaperones were walking up his classmates to get back on the buses. In a few hours from now, they would be back here, in Maine. His chest tightened at that revelation, in a deep sort of sadness. That should have been them. If it hadn’t been for him, they could have seen out the entire trip. Who knew what they had missed out on, all because he had absolutely no control over his life. He rolled onto his side, curling up a little. They had all been looking forward to that trip, yet it seemed like Heero was the only one that hated him for what had happened. It just seemed so… bitterly ironic, that the one person he wanted not to hate him, did. Ok, so it was more depressing than ironic, really. He couldn’t even make him understand how sorry he was…           A loud knocking on his door woke Duo out of his sleep that he didn’t even remember falling into. The red digits of his clock glared at him. Somehow, in the middle of his musings, before he could even attempt to avoid it, he had fallen asleep, if only for an hour, which was why his brain felt so fuzzy. Duo sat up quickly when he realized that the person hadn’t knocked again. What if it was Heero again, Duo thought in alarm, what if, because Duo hadn’t answered him, he came in anyway? He had no idea why the thought of suddenly being alone with Heero in his room terrified him, but it did.           Before Duo could call out or demand that he didn’t want to see anyone, even if that was a lie, the door flew open, but, to Duo’s immense relief, Trowa strode into his room, not Heero. The tall boy smiled as Duo sat up even straighter.           “Good morning,” he quipped. Duo stared at him with wide eyes, unable to process why Trowa would be in his room at six in the morning.           “M-morning,” Duo stammered, not liking talking to someone who was clearly more awake than he was and not knowing what their agenda was, and Trowa was the sort of person who always had a logical reason behind his actions. He scooted over on his bed as Trowa sat on the edge, giving Shiva a small pet behind her ears.           “Did you know that your light has been on for over a half an hour? You haven’t been asleep for very long, have you?” he asked. Duo blushed as he realized he had been caught. What was wrong with him anyway? In the past, staying awake had been no problem, but now, he couldn’t even stave off sleep for one night. He was just so tired… how could he be so tired that he not only didn’t recall drifting off, he hadn’t even turned the light off? Maybe he couldn’t do this, deal with his injuries and his broken heart and his nightmares all at once. Maybe he was sicker or more overwhelmed than he had thought. How was he going to cope with this? How could he possibly deal with his dreams when he couldn’t even control when he slept?           “Are you alright?” Trowa asked him, his voice gentle and kind. Duo nodded.           “I’m fine… I’m just feeling a little… depressed,” Duo admitted, though he didn’t want to, but knew that Trowa would pull the truth out of him eventually.           “Nightmares?” Trowa guessed. Duo nodded.           “I’ll be fine,” he murmured, suddenly feeling completely worn down. Trowa got off the bed and Duo felt a sharp burst of panic. He felt indescribably lonely, like how he used to feel, isolated and completely useless. He had always hated that feeling. He almost called out to Trowa, to beg him not to leave, he had lied, he wasn’t alright, not at all.           But Trowa didn’t leave, he went over to the television, switching it and the Playstation on. He grabbed two controllers and returned to the bed, giving Duo one. Duo narrowed his eyes at him.           “Did your boyfriend put you up to this?” he drawled. This moment felt suspiciously like the one he had shared with Quatre yesterday, and he wasn’t quite ready for another “talk” like that one. He had already heard on of Trowa’s dark secrets, he sincerely hoped the green-eyed boy didn’t have anymore to share.           “Not at all,” Trowa chuckled, “You just look like you could use some company, unless you want to go back to sleep?”           “No,” Duo snorted, “Do I really look so pathetic that you feel the need to play videogames with me at six in the morning?”           “No, not pathetic,” Trowa smiled, “Just lonely. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I left you to stew on your own when I knew you needed me.”           A chill went up Duo’s spine at how close Trowa’s words were. This morning, he had needed Heero, he hadn’t wanted him, but he had needed him. He had needed his best friend and he had pushed him away. Again. Before Boston, Heero would have broken the door down if he had to, just to make him feel better, to make sure he was ok. Before Boston… Heero had cared about him. But this morning… this morning, Heero had walked away without a second glance. They were breaking apart, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.           The game started and, at first, Duo wasn’t at all interested. His mind was too involved with self-misery and a deep-rooted terror at the thought that Heero was no longer his friend. Trowa noticed it easily and matched his pace until Duo finally warmed up and let himself become immersed in fighting off mutated zombies.           “Quatre told me what you two talked about yesterday,” Trowa said suddenly, “He wanted me to talk to you about it, and so do I.”           Duo knocked off ten demon dogs with one shot, but didn’t feel any victory in it. He certainly wasn’t surprised that Quatre had told Trowa everything. The two were practically attached at the hip. He wondered what that was like, to love someone so completely, so intensely, that you could feel comfortable with telling them everything. But… hadn’t he felt that way with Heero? Hadn’t he suffered with trying to keep secrets? Hadn’t he wanted, so very badly, to tell Heero the truth? And hadn’t he only kept those secrets out of fear that Heero would be disgusted with him?           “What did you want to speak to me about?” he asked hesitantly. If Trowa asked him about Heero, what could he do? He doubted shoving Trowa off the bed would do the trick, but he really wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.           “A few things,” Trowa said, “Nothing that you don’t want to talk about. Just say so, and I’ll drop it.”           Duo relaxed, his fingers flying over the controller. He kept forgetting what Trowa was like. Where Quatre was always curious, always wanting to know everything Duo was thinking and feeling, Trowa approached him with the attitude of someone who was willing to do anything to help him, even if he had to constantly back off. It was the same with the video game, Trowa could easily overtake him in kills and points, but he matched his pace and gave him a fair chance. It was one of the reasons why he felt so comfortable with Trowa, knowing that he would never be pushed when he wasn’t ready to be.           “Quatre told you about his family?” Trowa asked in such a way that it clearly wasn’t a question.           “I had no idea his father was like that,” Duo mused, “He never really talks about his family, does he?”           “He isn’t… ashamed of them. It’s just something he’s not really comfortable with,” Trowa explained, “when he was growing up, it was really hard for him. It’s hard enough being that wealthy, it isolates you, makes you wonder if the people in your life really love you like they say they do, or if it’s all just a big illusion. It makes you second guess everyone and everything, especially yourself. But it was even worse for Quatre. His father had put such a huge gamble in risking his wife for a son. He had gotten one, but lost the woman he loved in the process. So, Quatre had spent his childhood trying to measure up to that sacrifice, trying to be the perfect son. But no one’s perfect and no one can make a child what they want them to be. Quatre tried as hard as he could, but everything he did and was ended up as a disappointment for his father. On top of that, though his sisters all look alike, Quatre looks more like his mother than any of them, which had to be painful for his father. His father never hid it, though, his contempt and his disappointment for his only son. Most of Quatre’s sisters were too old for him to play with or confide in. I guess that’s why, when we started dating, he seemed so happy to live with my in Italy when I suggested it. He had agreed right away. That had always worried me, that he hadn’t given it a proper thought. I guess… Heero and I were his only friends. Heero was richer than him and had a harder time making friends, so Quatre trusted him on principle and their friendship grew pretty well after that.”           Duo stared up at him, completely forgetting the game. He had never heard Trowa say this much before, but when it came to Quatre, when Trowa was with him, he really did seem like a different person, like Quatre was able to bring him out of his shell, and maybe talking about his lover had that same affect. Did he act differently when he was around Heero? He hoped not, it would only, eventually, lead Heero to the truth, if he even cared enough to look at him anymore.           “It must still be hard for him,” Duo murmured, “His family constantly reminded him of his mother, he was never really allowed to be his own person in between her ghost and his destiny already being chosen for him.”           “He’s still not sure what he wants to do,” Trowa told him, “His entire life, his father has told him what to do, that when he is old enough, Quatre will take the company over from him. We’ve talked about it, if that’s what he really wants, but Quatre has always had a problem making a choice between himself and his family. Heero has that same problem. His entire family is expecting him to take after his mother when the time comes and Heero doesn’t really know what he wants. The only difference is that Name will supportive no matter what Heero chooses, and Heero is probably too stubborn to do anything except what he wants anyway.”           “Heero makes it easy for you to be friends with him,” Duo blurted out, shocked that his words weren’t in past tense.           “I mean,” he said more softly, “he can be an ass, and he’s stubborn, but he always stands up for us and he never stands down if we need to be protected, even if it’s in his best interests to.”           “Yes, Heero’s like that,” Trowa said with a slight smirk, “But you’re like that, too. I guess it’s just as hard for people like us to make friends.”           “I never befriended Heero because he was rich and powerful,” Duo murmured, curling his legs underneath him, “I know everyone thought that when we first met, and then, when Heero found me with Zechs.”           “No, we didn’t,” Trowa insisted, “Quatre and I never thought that way about you and even Heero and his mother stopped believing it when you were missing for so long.”           “But it is hard for me to make friends. I was poor and unkempt, plus Zechs bullied me all the time, so my classmates avoided me like I had leprosy. With the injuries and illnesses I had all the time, no one wanted to know me. Even if they did, because I was a whore, and because I had so many things about my life and the abuse Wes put me through that I didn’t want anyone to find out about, I had to distance myself from everyone. When Heero tried to get to know me at first, I ignored him. First, I thought that he just wanted to use me or play a prank on me, but when he started to talk to me, I realized that he really was interested, but even then, I wanted nothing to do with him because I was afraid he would find out the truth about me and cause problems for me. He could have told social services or used the information to blackmail me. Instead, here I am living with him, doing things that normal kids do… it doesn’t feel real at times,” Duo confessed.           “You’re grateful for him,” Trowa mused out loud, “but he’s grateful for you, too. You have no idea what he was like before he met you, how angry, stubborn, and arrogant he was.”           Duo snorted.           “Oh, he was pretty stubborn and arrogant when I met him. He thought he was God’s gift to the world, so I should be friends with him just because he was a Yuy. When I refused, he seemed so shocked that I wasn’t impressed by his mere presence. Then, I shot him down for it and he acted like I was mentally ill… He didn’t even know what to say or do when he found out that I couldn’t afford to buy school lunches everyday!” Duo smirked at the memory. Back then, he had thought that Heero was like every person he had ever met who was better off than him, thinking he could do no wrong, that he had the right to do whatever he wanted and he was entitled to everyone’s awe and respect, unable to change… but he had been wrong. Maybe Heero had been arrogant, but he hadn’t stayed that way. Maybe it had just been a mask, a source of strength and ignorance after his father’s death. Duo couldn’t possibly know since he hadn’t met Heero before his father had died, or maybe he really had changed him.           “You should meet his uncle,” Trowa grumbled, “I only met him a handful of times, but he’s as arrogant and stuck up as they come. When Name was chosen to take over the company instead of him, he threw a huge fit. He even threatened to take her to court about it! At least Heero has the ability to change and understand that he’s not as important as the media paints him, but according to Quatre, his uncle has always acted that way. Quatre said that you seemed so alarmed by what his father had done, risking his wife’s life and treating his children like they were just assets… I guess we’re the closest thing to a family you have, so someone treating a child like that, someone who is actually family must seem pretty cold.”           “Wes is all I had ever known before Name took me in,” Duo told him, “To him, I was just a tool, something to trade money for. That sort of behavior sickened me, it wore down inside, that people could do that to each other. I grew up thinking that I was… a thing, not even really human. He raised me to think that way, that I didn’t matter. It hurt so much… everyone around me acted like I was either trash to be used and then quickly discarded, or I should just be ignored, like I was a ghost. When Name decided to give me a home, and a family, I was so shocked. I couldn’t believe that someone that was nearly a stranger to me would treat me with such kindness! I was so lucky… I finally have a family that treats me with love and respect, so to hear that a real family, your real blood family, could treat you like the way I had been treated… like you only should fulfill a goal, and after that, you didn’t matter… I guess it was like hearing what I believed turn out to be a lie. I had always thought that the people that gave birth to you, the ones that decided to keep you, had to be better than the man I ended up with… but Quatre says that isn’t true at all.”           Trowa sighed, dropping his controller to wrap an arm around Duo’s shoulders in a loose hug, alarmed by the turmoil and pain in his voice. He hated hearing about Wes and the things he had done to Duo. He almost wish the bastard would show up to try to take Duo away, if only so they could teach him what happens to monsters that hurt good, honest people, children at that.           “Quatre’s jaded, and I don’t think he fully understands his family. I’ve met his sisters and his father. They do love him, maybe not the way Quatre wants to be loved, and the way he was raised was wrong, but not all families have to be like that. I was raised by a woman who loved me,” Trowa reminded him, “Maybe I went through hell in that small amount of time with my uncle, but my sister fought for me. She never gave up trying to win me back, and it wasn’t out of a sense of duty, or because our parents forced her to promise them she would take care of me, she really does love me. She’s not my mother, but she’s the best I’ve ever had.”           Duo’s dark expression eased a little at that.           “I’ve never known my real family, I don’t even know where I came from or what happened to me in the past, but Name has given me everything that I’ve ever needed. She’s the closest that I’ve ever had to a mother, and she’s treated me better than my real family ever has. Even if they died, and weren’t able to take care of me anymore, Name’s the one that stuck around, not them,” Duo murmured, “How can they possibly compare to her?”           “You know, with her money and power, Name could probably find your real family, or at least let you learn what happened to them,” Trowa suggested, but inside, he was worried about Duo’s lack of concern towards the truth. He had always wanted to learn more about his parents, but then again, he had had Catherine around his entire life. Duo had lived with… nothing. No, less than nothing. He had lived with a man that had turned Duo into, as Duo had said, not even human, just a thing. Trowa’s concern grew as Duo threw him a scared look.           “What if I don’t want to find my real family? Does that make me a bad person? What if they’re still alive? What if they want me back? They’re my family… but you guys are my family, too, and I don’t want to lose you even more than I want to find them! They would take me away from you… I’m not an adult, I don’t have a choice and Name didn’t actually adopt me, so you know how that would end! Even if that doesn’t happen, how can I possibly forgive them after all I’ve been through, if I find them and they’re still alive? If they’re dead, the truth won’t make any difference. At least, if I don’t know the truth, I can chose to believe something hopeful, like I was loved once and they died. But if I learn the truth and they just… left me to die, it will just haunt me for the rest of me life,” Duo squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to show weakness in front of his friend by crying, even as he felt tears prickle his eyes. Trowa stroked his bangs out of his eyes, making Duo open them again.           “It’s completely on you,” the tall teenager said softly, “If you don’t want to know who they are, or were, you don’t have to do anything. Your happiness is the most important, and if knowing the truth will only make you miserable, I suggest you do nothing. Though,” Trowa’s tone turned into one of amusement, “With all of the tabloids chatting about you and Heero, if you had family out there who remembered you and what you looked like, we would have heard from them by now.”                Duo stared at him in confusion.           “What are you talking about?” he demanded.           “Duo, ever since your stay in the hospital, your and Heero’s pictures have been in magazines all over the world. The media has nothing to go by, but you and Heero go the same school, which is public knowledge, so is the fact that Heero practically lived at this hospital while you were there. Anyone with a brain can put the two together, and the Yuys are very media worthy. They’ve been speculating why Name decided to live here for months, then there was the hospital business, so all sorts of weird theories have been cropping up,” Trowa told him, blinking in surprise at Duo’s shock.           “I had no idea…” Duo murmured, “I don’t read tabloids, I don’t even look at the newspapers… My picture’s been in magazines for that long?”           Trowa rolled his eyes.           “Maybe you do have family out there, but not watching the damned news is a genetic trait,” he grumbled, “In any case, if you’re so set on us being your family, when are you and Heero going to get over this thing between the two of you?”           Duo froze completely still, his muscles stiffening in surprise at the sudden question.           “There is nothing between us,” he said in a cold, serious voice.           “That’s bullshit,” Trowa snapped, his arm falling off Duo’s shoulders as the two of them stared each other down, “You two went through something the rest of us can’t even imagine. When we found you, the two of you should have been overjoyed. I had expected you to practically jump-hug Heero in relief! Instead, when he tried to touch you, you flinched away from him.”           “So, it’s my fault?” Duo murmured, not really asking. He knew exactly that it was his fault, and that flinch had just made things worse. Heero hated him, he was sure of that, but by reacting that way, he had implied that it was Heero’s problem and not his, so any hope of patching things up was gone.           Trowa sighed again, fighting against the urge to slam his head into something for his error.           “Of course it’s not your fault!” he said vehemently, “We just want to know why that happened, so we can help you. You and Heero are best friends, you should be talking to each other, so relieved that the both of you are ok that you refuse to be let out of each other’s sights. Instead, you’re ignoring each other like you both did something terrible!”           “No, just me,” Duo said softly, “It was all my fault, everything… Why should he trust me after what happened?”           Trowa stared at him, unable to find the words to make Duo believe what they all did.           “Dammit, Heero never should have come with me to Boston!” Duo snapped, throwing his control onto the bed, “If he hadn’t been there, everything would have been fine!”           Trowa stood up abruptly, not wanting to believe what he was hearing. Duo blamed himself, and he thought that if Heero hadn’t come, they wouldn’t be so upset? Did he really think they would have accepted what had happened any easier if Heero hadn’t been involved?           “Don’t you ever say that again!” Trowa yelled, “And don’t you ever let Heero hear you say that!”           “Say what?” Duo asked darkly, “That what happened was only one of our fault’s? That he should just stay the hell away from me before something else happens?”           “Dammit,” Trowa ran a hand through his long bangs, “Duo… you two should be talking about this, not me! Heero needs to hear this!”           “No,” Duo looked at the floor, his hands shaking a little, “Please, Trowa, I don’t want to talk about this…”           “Fine,” Trowa snapped, “But I don’t blame you for anything, only for the fact that you’re going to ignore this problem until it destroys you both and I won’t let that happen!”           Duo kept on looking at the floor, even as he sensed Trowa leaving him. Exhaustion filled him completely as the energy and fight went out of him like a rush of liquid. He felt his body sag on the bed and barely managed to catch himself on the corner.           “Duo!” he heard Trowa say in alarm and felt his large hands grab him, “What’s wrong?”           “I’m just tired,” Duo murmured. He struggled to stand up, hoping that if he did, he would get his energy back, but Trowa did the opposite, helping him back under the covers.           “You need to sleep. Name won’t let you go back to school like this and you’re going to make yourself sick if you don’t listen to what your body’s trying to tell you,” Trowa scolded. Duo looked up at his friend through half-lidded eyes.           “I’m sorry… I don’t know what’s wrong…” he fought vainly against sleep. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, he was supposed to be strong… why was he so tired?           “You won’t tell Heero about what I said, right?” he murmured sleepily. Trowa swallowed roughly.           “No…” he promised, “No, I won’t tell Heero.”           Trowa watched in concern as Duo fell asleep, comforted by the promise he had practically forced out of the older boy. Just seconds ago, Duo had seemed so awake, alert, and healthy, but in just a few seconds, he had nearly fainted. Trowa wanted to take him to a doctor, to soothe his concerns about an infection, but truthfully, he was mostly worried about psychological damage. This sort of sleeping behavior wasn’t normal. There was nothing physically wrong with Duo that he could see that would provoke such tiredness. He didn’t have any head injuries, and if he had lost too much blood, he would have been constantly tired, not on and off like this.           His relationship with Duo was a bit… strange. Quatre and Heero had been Trowa’s only friends before he had met Duo, and he found himself comfortable with the longhaired boy where he wasn’t comfortable with the other two. They had similar pasts, not overwhelming similar, but enough that they felt at ease with each other. They had both been raped, had both struggled financially, and had both had to grow up quickly. Quatre and Heero didn’t understand how difficult it was, growing up poor and how necessary stability was. It was something Duo understood, especially since he was only now getting a stable lifestyle. He was a bit younger than him, a bit more haunted, and those things were glaringly obvious, especially now, as Trowa watched Duo sleep. It made him want to protect him, in ways that he knew he couldn’t.           “I’m sorry,” Trowa whispered as he leaned down to Duo’s level, “I shouldn’t have made you so upset. I had no right to talk to you about Heero. It’s not your fault, we just want you well again…”           He stood up with a sigh, wishing that Duo could hear him and could understand how he felt. Life was never simple, he knew that, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t wish for an easy solution. If life were easy, Duo would have had a normal, easy life, and he and Heero would have met, fallen in love, and been in a loving relationship by now. But life wasn’t easy, Trowa had known that since he had been a child, living in a small trailer with his sister, who was struggling just to keep the tiny space that they had. All he could hope was that, sooner or later, Duo and Heero would sit down and have a talk, before they drifted apart for good.   End Part 12   *sings* I’m still nowhere near done with Chapter 7…   What is it with Duo and Trowa that, whenever I get them alone together, they feel the need to chat each other up? It’s like they have some weird sort of chemistry, I just keep writing the two of them together. This part was longer than I had thought it would be and the next part is just going to be weird. I feel like every one of these chapters could be a separate fic at this point. I think the problem is that I have way too many ideas and I never grew out of that phase as a child where our imaginations run wild.   Ok, here’s a question that will probably never be answered, but I noticed that a lot of authors will post every week, or twice a week, with about five to ten pages of material. So, what do readers appreciate more, an author who posts a little bit all the time, or one who posts a lot every now and then. Would you all like it if I cut these parts even shorter and posted more frequently, or is this thirty to forty page thing working for all of you?