Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Theories of Revolution and Affairs of the Heart ❯ Disposable ( Chapter 2 )

Heero stalked down the street to the safe house, wrapped in a haze of annoyance. Nothing today had seemed to go right. And it had all started with Duo and Zechs. His thoughts turned savage on that count with sudden violence. He couldn't believe Duo would, would... fuck the enemy in the middle of a mission. It was foolish, downright idiotic. "Baka!" he growled out loud.

Then, making matters worse, after Duo had waltzed out with the Lightning Fucking Count, Lady Une had decided that the opportunity to capture a Gundam pilot was too good to resist. Heero had been forced to physically drag Relena out, while the stupid girl had rambled on about how Zechs couldn't possibly be gay. Her rambling had even caused him to miss dodging a bullet. Thinking about the graze wound reminded him of his myriad of other minor injuries and Heero was forced to grit his teeth. All minor but it hurt like hell. And it was all Duo's fault.

It had taken him over an hour to persuade Relena to stay with Dorothy and her butler. She insisted on clinging to him, wanting to take care of him, gushing in the most nauseating fashion. Heero had been about ready to kiss Dorothy when she finally managed to pull Relena away. 'Shows you just how far you've slipped,' Heero thought sullenly.

Trudging up the steps of the safe house, Heero stumbled inside with nothing more on his mind than his annoyance with the whole mission, and an urge for a shower and 24 hours of sleep. All of that was pushed from his mind when he saw Duo in the living room.

Duo was leaning back comfortably on the couch, legs propped up on the coffee table, apparently immersed in a book. His hair was neat and brushed, back into an orderly braid, and the OZ uniform was long gone. From the empty bowl next to Duo's feet, Heero concluded that Duo had also eaten. But then he took another look, and realized that Duo was barely looking at the book he held. His eyes were unfocused, the sure sign of a daydream.

Anger rushed through Heero at the sight, invigorating leaden limbs and clearing his tired mind. He had just been through a small version of hell and his partner was here relaxing and daydreaming about his enemy lover, no doubt. It was as if Duo had forgotten they were at war! Heero stalked forward, fairly bristling. He ground out, "Duo."

Duo looked up. "Nice to see you too. There's some extra ramen in the pot, if you're hungry. It's on simmer, so it should still be warm. Where's Relena?" He gave Heero a trademark grin, winking. 'Better to let Heero bring it up.'

'Ramen?! That little-' Heero ground to a halt in his head and answered with quiet sharpness, "I left Relena with Catalonia. Speaking of Relena, I could have used your assistance in getting her out."

"Hey, YOU'RE the one who wanted to save her, pal." Duo shifted slightly, looking into the book again. "Why don't you just let her help herself for once? I'm sure she'd be capable of taking care of herself if she didn't think that you're her white knight in shining armor. You sound irritated. Go take a shower, the ramen isn't going anywhere!" Duo was purposely brushing the whole matter off. If Heero wanted to bother with it, he could feel free. Duo certainly wasn't initiating the argument if it wasn't necessary.

"And you're my partner!" Heero was aware his voice had risen, but he didn't really care. "I thought that meant we watched each other's backs."

"Hmm?" Duo said absently, flipping a page. "I thought I was an irresponsible liability who knows how to pilot a Gundam. Well, you learn somethin' new every day. You're here, and alive, aren't you? If you're still well enough to yell at me, you're capable of getting ojousan out of a building on your own."

Heero growled. "You ARE an irresponsible liability. And unprofessional. I at least adhered to the mission. What were you doing? Scratch that, what were you thinking?!"

Duo rolled his eyes. "Good, you scratched that, cause it's obvious what I was DOING. And what was I thinking? I was thinking normal thoughts for a guy my age, that's what I was thinking. Didn't you notice? The guy was gorgeous! I was honestly thinking about stealing the damned mask, so he wouldn't wear it any more. And I didn't get caught, now did I? We're still safe as we'll ever be. So why does it matter? If I'd thought that my actions were a true threat, I wouldn't have done it, it's as simple as that. So chill out, take your shower, and have some ramen! Otherwise, I just might have to take your serving, then you'll be stuck with boring old peanut butter!" He stuck his tongue out before looking into the book again.

"You don't understand, do you? It doesn't matter that you didn't get caught this time. The point is that you could have been captured. And for what? A good fuck? Hardly a military objective." Heero was shouting by the time he reached the end. He knew he was being an ass, but he didn't care. He wanted Duo to be just as miserable as he was, just as angry. The fact that Duo seemed to be brushing this off so easily just made it all worse.

"Did I EVER say it was a military objective, Yuy?" He quirked an eyebrow, faintly amused at how worked up Heero was getting. 'Don't laugh at him, though. The golem really will kill you.' He bit back a snort at that. 'Golem. Gotta love it. So true, so true...'

"You would risk your life for something that stupid. I shouldn't be surprised." Heero's eyes narrowed. "You will NOT do something like that again, because if you do, I will eliminate the problem ... permanently."

Duo put down the book, finally looking Heero in the eye. "Stupid, hmm?" He dropped his voice to the Yuy Imitation again. "Hnn... Duo, I need.... I need to FUCK you... gods!... DUO!" he cried out, writhing in imitation on the couch. "DUOOOO!"

Heero barely leashed the violent urge to throttle Duo that rose up in him. Moving faster than even he had realized he could at the moment, he was suddenly leaning over Duo on the couch. Speaking in a low, cold voice, he bit off each word. "I keep missions and sex separate. As should you. You don't fuck the enemy, because you're mine." The last word came out a growl.

"Ohhhh. Well, THAT'S it, hmm? I thought it was because I could get caught." He sat up straighter, returning Heero's glare. "Because it was stupid. Because it was risky to the MISSION. Because I'm a liiiiabilllityyy," he sneered, drawing out the word. "But now I see. You think that because I let you fuck me, I'm yours? Dream on, Yuy. Nobody owns me, and I can assure you that if ANYONE owned me, it would NOT. BE. YOU."

Heero froze for a long moment. He wanted to prove that Duo belonged to him, prove that Duo was wrong. He wanted to possess him, only he wasn't sure how. He knew he wasn't handling this right, but didn't know what was right. Then an image of Duo and Zechs together flashed through his mind and he didn't care. He lashed out without thinking. "How true. No one can own a slut." He stood up.

Duo resisted the urge to reached up and slap Heero straight across the face. 'No use in THAT. That's what he wants me to do.' Instead, he stood up, picking up the empty bowl from the table. Turning his back on Heero, he strode into the kitchen, walking to the sink and washing out the bowl. 'Here he comes... 3... 2... 1...'

Right on cue, Heero came striding into the kitchen with an angry growl, jerking Duo around to face him. "Don't you just walk away from me."

"Why not?" Duo said cheerfully, reaching behind him to place the bowl back in the sink, out of harm's way.

Duo's apparent unconcern, Heero's own weariness, anger, jealousy, and frustration all combined with frightening suddenness to a blinding rage. Before he was aware of the motion, his fist lashed out, catching Duo squarely in the jaw.

Duo fell back with the blow, barely missing a knock to the back of his skull as his head lashed past the cabinet above the sink. "FUCK!" he yelled, allowing a little blood to drip out of his mouth as he cursed.

Heero stared in shocked horror at what he had done. He hadn't meant to hit him, but the fact remained that he had. And with that loss of control, he had played right into Duo's hands. He had definitely gone too far. Some little used spirit of emotional self-preservation awakened within him, urging him away from this mess he had created. Without a word, Heero turned and fled.

"Now THAT is the true meaning of a hit and run..." Duo muttered, wiping the blood off his chin with a sleeve. "I'll see to my injuries, and if he wants to come back with his tail between his legs and his head hanging, that's fine by me. I'm certainly not goin' after him!" With that, Duo knelt down and retrieved the first aid kit from under the sink. "Absolutely not."

As he fled, the analytical portion of Heero's mind filed this latest mistake in his relationship with Duo with the long list of other mistakes he'd made. Some were tiny, small dismissals when he should have responded, or glares when he should have indulged him. Others were larger, like his emotional distance. He had never given Duo the emotional response he needed, the response that he deserved. And now he'd failed him irredeemably. He had kept picking a fight, despite all of Duo's attempts to soothe him. 'And then I finally get him angry, and I let him goad me into hitting him.'

Heero groaned. Now more than ever he was aware of his glaring fault. It wasn't simply a lack of skill with emotional matters, it was a lack of any attempt to deal with them. He was a hypocrite to his own advice, because he certainly didn't follow his feelings very well. He barely knew what his feelings were. He'd tried to excise his feelings so that they wouldn't interfere in the mission, all part of becoming the 'Perfect Soldier.' Now he found himself wishing he could damn the Perfect Soldier to the deepest pit of Hell. A sharp pain arced in his chest as he realized that his subconscious even quoted Duo.

So much work to perfect his skills as a soldier, and such a price paid for those skills. He would be obsolete when the war was over. Academically he'd always been aware that his usefulness was limited to battle, but right now, with his mind in chaos and emotions threatening to drown him, he nearly collapsed under the sudden pain. He'd always counted himself disposable, but now that thought hurt. Dying for the colonies was honorable, a worthy sacrifice. But the realization that he was disposable on a personal level ... that was something that had never occurred to him. Seeing Duo with Zechs ... he had realized that Duo didn't need him, certainly not the way he needed Duo.

Duo's voice sounded in his mind, "Why don't you just give up and stop PRETENDING to be human?!"

Pain shocked through Heero again, and with a small, heartbroken moan, he collapsed to the floor, never even realizing the door to their room was just ahead.

***

"He is DAMN lucky all he did was break the skin," Duo growled, finishing his bandaging. "If he'd dislocated it, I would dislocate HIM!" The blood was still flowing steadily, but his bandages were soaking it up. It would stop soon, if he'd calculated correctly. All he had to do was change it frequently.

He'd known Heero would hit him, had WANTED Heero to hit him. But he hadn't wanted Heero to ... to LOOK like that afterwards. Heero was supposed to still look angry, still be furious, still want to hit him again.

But Heero had looked ... it was nothing Duo had ever seen on ANYONE'S face. All he knew was that when he'd looked into Heero's eyes right then, he'd seen himself staring back. His younger self, crying out with the betrayal ... loneliness ... fury ... questioning. 'Why? Why does it have to be this way...?' the eyes had asked. 'Why do you continue to lead me on ... why do I continue to try...'

And that wasn't what Duo had wanted. "Damn it, that's not what was supposed to happen!" Duo shouted, slamming his fist against the wall.

He ran out of the room, dashing up the stairs. "Heero?" he called. "HEERO? Where are you? Where-- AACK!" He tripped, falling on his face. Looking behind him, he found out that he'd tripped over none other than Heero. "Speak of the devil..."

Heero didn't stir. Heero didn't stand up and yell at him. Heero didn't grunt at being tripped over. "Heero?" Duo stood up, looking around nervously. "Did someone attack? Why are you... hey, HEERO, answer me!"

Seeing no imminent threat, Duo bent down and picked Heero up carefully. He didn't appear to be wounded, either. At least not more than he had been when he'd walked in the door. Feeling for a pulse, he found one. "Asleep, huh? You've got a bed for that, buddy," Duo said, rolling his eyes. He opened the door to their room, and lay Heero down on the bed.

The laptop across the room beeped. Duo glared at it. Standing up, he walked over and pushed some buttons. "Damn it! I can't get in! Well, that's Heero for ya. Even I can't crack his code. Now, to wake him up. He'll be upset if he misses a mission." Duo walked over to the bed and unceremoniously pinched Heero's nose. "OI! Wake up, baka, your laptop's calling!"

With a pained grunt, Heero regained consciousness to see Duo above him. Duo... he wasn't ready to face Duo yet. He wasn't ready to face anything. It took a moment for his words to register, then Heero gave into the uncharacteristic urge to ignore it. With slurred mumbles he told Duo he didn't care. Then he closed his eyes again.

Duo decided to ignore that he thought Heero had mumbled "fuck the laptop," and instead shook Heero's shoulder gently. "Hey, Heero, wake up. You can fu-- er, forget the laptop. Just wake up. Heero?"

Even while part of his mind gibbered, 'I can't, I can't,' over and over, another portion couldn't resist the gentleness of Duo's tone and he opened his eyes again. He stared up at Duo, unaware that his internal conflict was written plainly across his face.

Duo bit his lip and kept the shock and anger out of his face. Heero would probably interpret it as anger for HIM, while it was only anger for himself. "Hey, Heero," he said, trying to keep a smile on his face. "What happened? You'd think the hallway was a blanket! Y'know, if you wanted to take a nap, ya could've walked the extra yard and gone to bed but NOOO, that would be too easy for the mighty 01 and..." He babbled on, trying to cheer Heero up, and knowing that he was probably miserably failing.

The familiarity of Duo's chatter was like a balm on his soul. It pushed the fear back, centering him. The tiniest hint of a smile started to curve his lips, not his typical smirk, but an honest-to-God smile. Heero could feel the difference, and realized he'd never let himself truly smile before. His heart leapt in gratitude, and he thought to apologize and thank Duo all in one motion, and started to sit up, intent on kissing his partner. The image of Duo and Zechs crashed through his mind, pulling him with a painful start back to reality. He couldn't bring himself to bridge the distance. Heero dropped back onto the bed with a groan, using his untended injuries as an excuse, hoping that Duo wouldn't notice his original intent.

His effort was in vain, because Duo saw the intent clearly. However, he hid it for Heero's sake. At least for now. "Hey, don't try to move! You're hurt, remember? Now, let Doctor Duo do his job so your stay in Maxwell Hospital isn't longer than it needs to be. You need to be FREE!" He grinned. "I want to GET AWAY, I wanna fly awaaaay, yeah, yeaaah, yeaaah!" he sang cheerfully, cleaning Heero's wounds.

Heero lay passively for Duo's ministrations, but his mind was racing. Each time Duo touched him in a deft, almost impersonal manner, he found himself comparing it to the playful, almost affectionate way he'd seen Duo touch Zechs. Each flash banished a little piece of his guilt and replaced it with bitterness. Despite his awareness of his flaws, Heero still couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that Duo could have done that, not while he and Heero were supposedly 'together.' When Duo was nearly done, Heero suited his newly made mental distance with a little physical distance, pulling away from Duo's hands before he was completely finished.

Duo rolled his eyes when Heero pulled away. "Oh, thank you Duo! No, think nothing of it, Heero. No, really, Duo, I appreciate it very much! All that trouble you went to!" He sighed and stood up. "Want this?" he asked, picking up the laptop, bringing it over to the bed, and unceremoniously dropping it in Heero's lap.

Heero glared at Duo before another wave of guilt struck him. HE was the one acting badly. Duo was being far more professional than he was, far more reasonable than he was. The irony of the situation did not escape him, since this whole fight had started because of 'unprofessional conduct.' He stared down at the laptop, and expelled the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, fighting the sick feeling in his gut. He hated this, he hated feeling this way. And despite the attractiveness of blaming it on Duo, he couldn't. He knew whose fault it was, and this problem had been around before Duo breezed into his life. "I'm sorry," came out in a barely audible whisper.

Duo sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Heero, eyes strangely blank. "What exactly are you apologizing about? Just plain old sorry is vague, and you could mean a variety of things. I'm sorry for hitting you, I'm sorry for stealing Deathscythe's parts the day after we met... the list goes on."

Making eye contact, Heero started to speak, his voice weighed down by his self-loathing. "I AM sorry that I hit you. Sorry doesn't even really cover that because it's too inadequate a term. I'm sorry for every time I ignored you. I'm sorry for every time that I glared when I should have smiled. I'm sorry for using you to make myself feel alive. I'm sorry for never trying to tell you how much I needed you. I'm sorry for being only a shell of a human being who isn't worthy of trying to be near you. I--"

Heero cut off abruptly at the look on Duo's face. He looked almost as if Heero had hit him again. Worry ran through him. He didn't mean to hurt Duo more. "Duo? Daijoubu?"

"I'm fine. Heero..." Duo chewed on the end of his braid absently. "That's not what I meant. You don't have to apologize for everything, not all at once." He leaned forward and kissed Heero lightly on the forehead. "Besides. If you'd smiled when you would normally have glared, you wouldn't be you. Now, your laptop awaits. I'll leave you to your typing." He stood up, and walked to the door. "And I'm sorry too, though I'm not gonna say what for, because in my case, it's obvious, neh?"

As Duo spoke, a small, incredulous smile spread across Heero's lips. He quickly controlled it and shifted into a mock glare at Duo's retreating back. "Hn."

"I swear, I have to bronze that sound and put it in the Hall Of Influential Quotes!" Duo called back. "And I know there is no such thing. So I'll MAKE one, just for you! The Hall of Hn!"

"Baka," Heero retorted, affectionately, feeling that horrible tension uncoil inside his chest. He then looked at the laptop and sighed. The mission called.

~OWARI~