Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Theories of Revolution and Affairs of the Heart ❯ How It Works ( Chapter 12 )

The battle was fast and furious and Zechs was tiring. He had to get out of here before it truly turned into a suicide mission. He eyed the water below, and the shoreline on the horizon. That way lay his escape. Tallgeese was buffeted by another attack, and as he struggled against the G-forces to right the suit, a crack shot through the mask. Another steep dive, another crack, and Zechs gave a grim smile. 'And so Zechs Merquise dies... one crack at a time.'

Another attack sent Tallgeese crashing into the water, and he let the suit sink to the bottom as the mask shattered. As the water blurred his vision of the sky, he suddenly had a moment of heartbreaking regret. 'Oh Duo... I'm so sorry. I have no way to tell you, to let you know this isn't real. Let it be for you that I rise again.'

~~~~~~

Duo was reclining on the couch, flipping through the channels. Nothing good was on... as usual. Stopping on his favorite channel, deciding to wait until the commercials were over, just in case something good *was* on, he tossed the remote control on the cushion next to him.

"Relax and have fun on the vacation of a lifetime. It's a tradition started before the colonies, still situated on the beautiful planet Earth. We at Disney invite you to come experience the ageless magic of our theme parks and cruises..."

"Oh, bull," Duo snorted, staring in disgust at the grinning, jumping children with Mickey ears, and their laughing parents. "If I were a parent, I'd be less than happy in It's A Small World Hellhole."

"We interrupt this program for an important news flash," the TV droned at him, breaking off the Disney commercial.

"WHAT program?" Duo muttered, but watched the TV in slight interest.

"Sadly, we bear the news that a brave young lieutenant, Zechs Merquise, died honorably in battle today. His suit, the Tallgeese, was shot down by a rebel suit, and it sank into the water and cannot be found at this time. We grieve this loss, but OZ will only work harder to keep his ideals and dedication as a soldier alive, so his death will not be in vain. Though the ..."

The words faded out in Duo's ears. 'He can't be dead he can'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan't... what are you thinking how can you care you barely know him but he can'tcan'tcan't be dead no not yet not now not dead nonononono...'

An unwanted tear dampened his cheek, and he swatted at it angrily. Hearing the babbling of the TV, now past the news flash, he turned the TV off with a jab of his finger. Another tear followed, and another... they wouldn't stop.

'Why do I care why it doesn't matter he's the enemy you should be happy now Treize doesn't have his pawn but he isn't a pawn he's he's he's... I don't know but he just can't be dead no no no no NONONONONO...'

His self-control broke, and he buried his face in his hands, crying silently.

Heero strode into the living room, heading straight to his laptop. He had already entered a dozen keystrokes before he noted the other presence in the room. Turning, he blinked in shock at the sight of Duo, silent and shaking. Something twisted in his chest at the misery he felt rolling off his partner, and he found himself crossing to kneel by Duo before he actually thought. "Duo?"

"Go the fuck away!" a trembling, muffled voice snapped at him. His tears leaked between his fingers, dripping down his hands to fall to the couch below.

Heero nearly took it personally before it occurred to him that Duo was very upset and might not know who was here. Heero had a brief mental image of Duo saying that to Quatre, and almost chuckled. "No, Duo. What's wrong?"

Duo snorted. "Heero. You actually care?!" His last word was cut off, choked by a sob.

Another twisting sensation in his chest made it difficult to bite back the snide answer, but Heero managed it. He took a ragged breath. "Yes I do."

Suddenly, Duo was a blur of motion, rising up off the couch and heading towards him. At first, he stepped into the defensive, expecting an attack. He was attacked, all right, though he wasn't really expecting the attack to be on his lips.

Heero was knocked back to the floor, with Duo plastered against him, kissing him with desperation. And his body responded despite him, kissing Duo back, arms wrapping around him. For a long minute, his mind shut down, and he reacted on instinct to the most insistent bundle in his arms.

Trowa walked by the door to the living room, looking for Heero. Peering in, his eyes grew wide. 'Figures. He went right back to Duo.' Swallowing his rage... no, resentment... no, utter sense of betrayal... he kept walking. He didn't stop until he'd reached his room. Slamming the door behind him, he lay down on the bed and buried his face in his pillow. 'It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.' But it did matter.

Duo had kissed Heero so many times in the past; this was the first time it had ever felt wrong to kiss him. But to his body, it was just as right as before. He realized it and didn't try to fight it, kissing Heero harder. It was a distraction, an escape, a vein for his grief. 'Oh God... Zechs... you can't be dead, you just CAN'T be! Can'tcan'tcan't...'

Heero's body was screaming for him to simply give in, take advantage. 'But this isn't right... something isn't right. Duo wouldn't do this, why is he doing this? What about, what about...' It took his hazed mind a long moment, but then it supplied the name, 'Zechs.' The thought caused another twist of pain in his chest, and he managed to push Duo away. "Duo... what is going on?" He cursed his breathless voice, but wrong or not, Duo's kisses still had the power to do that to him.

'He's gone no please come back come back take away the pain...' Duo blinked. "What do you mean, what's going on?"

Heero sighed and answered patiently, "Duo, we haven't exactly been on the best of terms lately. What happened?"

"Nothing happened. What do you care, anyway?" Duo scowled. "And even if something did happen, it's none of your business."

Heero rose to his feet, feeling Duo's sudden distance like a blow. He should have known better than to hope-- he cut off that chain of thought abruptly and looked down at Duo with narrowed eyes. "I see." He spoke coldly, retreating. "Zechs dump you?"

"Go to HELL!" Duo hissed, curling into himself. "No, he didn't."

Duo's pain drew him out of his own and Heero tried again, painfully aware of the desperation in his tone, "Then what the hell happened? Talk to me, for God's sake. Give me a clue!"

Duo glared at him through reawakened tears. "He's DEAD, if you must fucking know."

"Dead?" Heero questioned dumbly, all the events of the past few minutes coming into agonizingly perfect focus. 'He's dead, and we still can't get along. I wanted him dead, but now that he is, I almost wish the bastard was still alive so I wouldn't have to know just how little I mean to Duo. Spare parts to fill the gap.' Heero's face hardened as the ache settled deeper into his chest.

Duo watched his lover's... 'former lover's,' his mind supplied... face, and saw the emotions warring there. "Heero..." he said, reaching out a hand. He couldn't lose Heero too, not now. 'Damn it, just cause we're not a couple doesn't mean I don't care about you!' He took a deep breath, ignoring his still-flowing tears, and said steadily, "I do care about you, Heero."

Heero stared at Duo's hand, snorting bitterly. "Enough to use me. I understand how it works." 'More than I should... gods, what have I done to Trowa?'

"I wasn't USING you, damn it!" Duo shouted, dropping his hand back to his side. "And you WOULD understand how it works, you and your new fuck toy, also my Dear Replacement, also known as a certain T-R-O-W-A B-A-R-T-O-N," he sneered, spelling out the words slowly. "Trooooowa Baaaarton. Resident Slut for Mr. Heero Yuy, who can't keep his spandex around his hips without Duo to fuck!"

Heero flinched, but didn't try to defend himself. Why should he? He was guilty as charged. 'And to make it even worse, it takes realizing your former lover doesn't love you to put you wise to what you're doing to your current one.' One hand rose almost absently to rub his chest, as if that could ease the pain.

"So, what is it?" Duo continued angrily, noting the lack of response. "Just because we're not lovers anymore, you think I don't CARE about you?! Is that it?!"

"No." Heero barely forced the word past his lips in a whisper. 'You just don't care enough.'

Duo looked into Heero's eyes. "What is it, then?" he said in a softer tone. He was pushing down his own grief to help Heero, and Heero had better damned well appreciate it, or at least *say* something.

Heero couldn't resist him, and managed to start stammering out words before he thought about what he was saying. "I... I... after... it was easier to pretend there had been nothing... nothing... between us. And now... now it... it hurts that there was but it was less than--" He choked up, rubbing his chest more vigorously.

'Oh no. Not now.' Duo had been trying to get Heero to open up for so long, and now he was doing it... but it wasn't the time. 'Don't think about Zechs right now, help Heero. Don't think about Zechs right now, help Heero,' his mind chanted over and over at him. "Less than... what? Nothing?" Duo bit his lip, resisting the urge to run from the room. 'Don't think about Zechs right now, help Heero.'

Heero shook his head, now painfully aware that he shouldn't have spoken, but unable to stop himself. "Less than I hoped."

"Remember this, Heero. I've told you before and I'll tell you again. You don't own me! And just because I go off and dick around with someone else doesn't mean that I'm leaving you in a ditch to rot! Oh, and don't try to tell me you're sorry about Zechs dying cause you aren't a fucking bit sorry. Just informing you. And if you ARE sorry, I'd like to know why, cause I can't think of a damned good reason!" Duo knew he was being a bastard, but he was too angry and devastated to care.

There is only so long that pain can be pushed, and Heero had reached his limit. He looked up with a glare and snapped, "I won't try to say that I hadn't wished him dead, but I am sorry, because of what it's done to you. And believe me, I know I don't own you... outside of jealous reactions, I'm well aware of that fact. That doesn't stop me from hoping, but I think I've got the rules figured out now. But I do wonder what you expected from me. You went off and dicked around," Heero bit off the words in bitter mockery, "and thought what? That I would simply wait for you to come to back? Beg for you to? Not care that you had? I know that I shouldn't have--" Heero ground to a stop. He wasn't going to bring up Trowa. He wasn't.

"No. But if you knew you didn't own me, why did it MATTER that I was sleeping with someone else?" Duo glared. "If it had been you, I would have said to myself, *Oh that's fine, he has another lover!* No big deal! Now, if we had a commitment or engagement or at least declarations of mutual love, that would be another thing. But we DIDN'T!"

'Because I cared? Because a part of me knew I loved you but couldn't admit it.' Heero felt suddenly weary. "I suppose you would have."

Duo sighed. "Yes, I would have. Why couldn't you have done the same?"

Heero laughed bitterly. He could never let Duo realize how he really felt, it would only make things worse. "Stupidity."

"Or..." Duo said, "love." He smirked. "Couldn't it have been that?"

Heero stared at him, unable to respond, only swallow nervously. 'This isn't happening. Of all of the conversations to be having with Duo, I can't be having this one.'

"Well?" Duo looked at him expectantly, still smirking with an evil tinge. 'Zechs... you can'tcan'tcan't be dead...'

Heero still felt like a deer caught in the headlights. 'This isn't happening, this still isn't right.' He forced a shrug. "I wouldn't know."

Duo returned the shrug. "Well, there you go." 'Why did you die... not now not now please come back no no no no nonono...' "I'll be going now. I've gotta go cry over Zechs some more, and bawl like a little girl. I'd prefer if you didn't watch."

Heero nodded without saying a word. 'You liar... you might not have known at the time but you know now. And you'll never tell him. And you can't even help him now because he wouldn't accept comfort from you, not after this. Here's to opening up, Heero Yuy.' He mentally saluted himself.

"Oh, by the way. Thanks for being so there for me. And so supporting." Duo turned to leave the room, but looked over his shoulder to look at Heero as he talked. "I don't know what I would have done without your shoulder there to cry on, Heero." He sniffled dramatically. "Thank you... my dearest..."

For a brief moment, Heero stared at Duo, his heart and his pain a swirling mess in his eyes, before his eyes shuttered and he managed a sarcastic drawl, "Anytime, Duo. Don't know what I'd do without our little... talks."

"Fuck you," Duo growled, stalking out of the room, fists clenched and shaking.

Heero watched him go and whispered, his heart breaking, "I'm sorry Duo... sorry I can't be what you need."

~OWARI~