Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Theories of Revolution and Affairs of the Heart ❯ The Way Things Are ( Chapter 14 )

Heero walked slowly down the hallway to Trowa's room. He wasn't looking forward to this, had been psyching himself up to it for a couple of hours, but he and Trowa had to talk. Duo had been right about him using Trowa. But if nothing else, he had to tell Trowa the truth. He'd betrayed their friendship and his respect for Trowa, and that was wrong. Very wrong. He realized he was standing in front of Trowa's door, and he knocked. "Trowa?"

There was no response, so after a minute, Heero opened the door. Trowa was curled up on his bed, awake, but staring at nothing. "Trowa?" Heero started across the room, concerned.

Trowa didn't move, didn't turn his head in the slightest to look at him. The same stare into, seemingly, another dimension. More empty than angry.

Heero paused, confused. He'd never seen Trowa like this, and he didn't know why he was like this now. But, he supposed he could still go ahead and talk... assuming Trowa was actually listening. "Um, Trowa, I came up because there were some things we need to talk about. I... I've been...misleading you. I was... I was wrong. I got involved with you without stopping to think. I was angry, and I never thought about what that would mean to you, would do to you." He paused to see if Trowa was reacting.

All he got was a small turn of the head. Trowa looked right through him, then looked away again. Trowa's hand twitched on the bedspread, but that was all.

"All I can ask is that maybe someday you'll forgive me... for using you, for betraying our friendship, and my respect for you."

"Respect?" Trowa said quietly, his voice teeming with something unidentifiable. "Your respect... for me? How can you possibly justify that lie?"

"It's not a lie. I did and I do... my anger just caused me to lose sight of it for awhile, or at least, use it as a rationalization for my behavior. I told myself that I couldn't be using you because I respected you as a comrade and as a friend." Heero stared at Trowa, begging him to understand.

Trowa's eyes didn't change. "So, do you want me to just put it all behind me and tell you that it's all right? And tell you that we can just go back to being friends, no hard feelings?" He curled into himself tighter. "Is that it?"

Heero stared at the floor. "I don't know what I want you to do. I just knew that I had to come talk to you."

"Do you want to know how I feel?" Trowa finally looked into Heero's eyes. "Or are you too happy to be back with DUO now?" He spat Duo's name out as if it were poisonous, scowling slightly.

"Duo? Why would you think?" Heero sounded genuinely shocked, then realized what Trowa had to be referring to. "I'm not back with Duo."

Trowa blinked, then glared. "Bullshit. Remember your little *encounter* in the living room today?"

Heero started shaking his head. "That wasn't what it looked like. Duo wasn't in his right mind. Zechs was reported dead today." There was an odd note in Heero's voice.

"I can understand that. But why were you responding, then?"

Heero shrugged. "My body did before my mind could catch up."

Trowa uncurled and stood up, walking across the room and grabbing Heero's shoulders. "Well, you already caused me enough pain. I have no regrets about returning the favor. Let me tell you how *I* feel for once, Heero Yuy." He stared into Heero's eyes angrily and leaned forward until their faces were only inches apart. "First of all, I LOVE you. Let that penetrate your thick skull. I *LOVE* you!"

Heero flinched. His reaction was clear on his face, expressive and open. He didn't love Trowa, and couldn't. His heart was already taken, and had been for some time. He just hadn't expected it to hurt so much that he couldn't return someone's affection.

"I thought that's how you felt. And there I was thinking that you loved me. When you reached out to me, I thought I had finally opened your heart. And I was a fool, a God damned fool. To not be able to see through you. I gave you my heart, my virginity... I gave you all of myself. And then to see through the mask and find the puppeteer beyond. I thought I'd find a kind, loving Heero Yuy, but I was so wrong." Trowa raised a hand as if to slap Heero, then stopped and let the hand fall. "SO damn wrong."

Heero stared at him in growing horror. He hadn't realized, and he probably should have. 'You did open my heart, Trowa, just not to you.'

"And now..." Trowa's gaze grew sharper. "And now I don't know how to sever my strings. Because I'm still in love with you, when I have every reason not to be." He raised his hand again, following through with the slap this time. "That handprint will fade physically, but know for the rest of your life that it is there. It will *always* be there, and it carries what you took from me." Trowa looked down. "I hope you're satisfied. You get to keep what you stole."

"I'll be like you, Trowa, which should give you a little satisfaction," Heero responded without thinking and turned to leave.

Trowa choked back a sob. "So you're going to ACCEPT it, are you?" He went back to his bed and buried his face in his pillow. "Who comes to your shows, Heero?" he said, his voice muffled by the pillow slightly. "Who do you do this for?" He didn't care if Heero was gone or not, whether Heero heard him or not.

Heero turned. "I accept it because there's nothing else to do, Trowa." His voice had returned to the monotone. "Like you, I love someone who doesn't love me. You can't force someone to love you. That's not how it works. You just have to accept the way things are."

"I'm not trying to force you to love me!" Trowa snapped. He heard the pain behind the monotone, and almost flinched.

"Then you're a stronger person than I am." Heero's face was passive, but the eyes were alive with every emotion that had nearly drowned him that day.

Trowa sat up, and looked at Heero carefully. "W-- what...?"

Heero looked at the floor again. The floor didn't stare back at him with wounded eyes. "I tried that... and of course it didn't work. You only receive more pain, and give more to others."

Giving into impulse, Trowa stood up and crossed the room, throwing his arms around Heero from behind and holding him tight.

Heero stood stiff as a board, before he gave in to the comfort with a shuddering breath. "I'd give so much to be able to go back and fix my mistakes. I could have saved you pain, if nothing else." His shoulders hitched with a silent sob.

"I don't forgive you entirely," Trowa said quietly, "and I never will. Surely you can understand that." Trowa leaned his head over Heero's shoulder and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "But you still have a chance. Duo obviously opened to you when he was upset, when Zechs was reported dead. Don't give up so easily, Heero."

"I... I can't be what he needs, not that way. Just attempting to be friendly... you see how well that turned out." Heero hung his head, though his heart was a little lighter.

Trowa shook his head and turned Heero around so their hug was chest to chest. "He's only closing himself off because he feels your doubt and confusion. Seeing you run off to me was disheartening, to say the least. He doesn't know if he can trust you anymore." He pushed Heero's bangs out of his eyes. "You'll have to prove him wrong if you want to be with him. And that's not forcing love, that's true love."

Bitterness laced the sorrow of Heero's tone when he responded. "And seeing him run off to be with Zechs in the first place, and be so heartbroken when he died isn't disheartening? If that's true love on his part, we have a problem."

"Do you really think he loves Zechs?" Trowa asked curiously.

"I don't know... but the way he cried..." Heero's look was haunted.

Trowa shook his head again. "I don't think he did. Respected him, yes, cared about him, yes, but I don't think he truly loved him. They didn't have enough time to develop a relationship like that. Heero, they saw each other TWICE."

Heero stared into the distance. "How long does it take to realize how much you really feel?"

~OWARI~