Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ They Think I'm Crazy ❯ They Think I'm Crazy ( One-Shot )

Title: They Think I'm Crazy

Author: mao

Disclaimer: GundamW characters, likenesses, and plot lines belong to Sunrise/Sotsu Agency, TV Asahi, and Bandai. "Threadbare" belongs to Chupacabra, "I Knew I Loved You" belongs to Savage Garden, "Empty Spaces" belongs to Fuel, "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" belongs to Pat Benatar, "The Way Things Are" belongs to Fiona Apple, "Everything for Free" belongs to K's Choice, "Thunder" belongs to Splashdown.

Author's Notes: Ever get an idea that you forgot about, then remembered a few months later and couldn't sleep because of it? Those are the worst. Well, this is my first real (as in, serious) yaoi piece. I'm not a real fan of Heero/Duo, but this wouldn't leave me alone, so here goes. Thanks to Phoebe for planting the idea in my head in the first place.

Dedication: to Megu, Jess, and Chi-chan.

No one had ever noticed, but I'm really a sensitive person. Really, they never did. And I am. Honest. Like that little girl? I think about her. A lot. I wonder how much her mom paid for the hat she wore that day, or the little flowered dress. I wonder what color her hair was, under the white fluffy hat, or why she named her dog Mari. I talk to her sometimes. The girl, not the dog. I never saw her body, but part of me would like to think she made it out alive and is out there, somewhere, ok. The logical part of my brain never fails to remind me that that's impossible; I was trained by the best, and that explosion was final.

I call her Sarah. It was my little sister's name. No one ever asked me about my family. I remember a woman, with dark hair, and a younger girl who I know to be my sister. I don't remember a father, just Odin and Dr. J. My mother...she looked like me. Dark brown hair and intense blue eyes. She wasn't particularly pretty, but I like to think my father loved her for her eyes. Sarah, I think, looked like my dad. Tilted, more Japanese-looking black eyes, with even darker pupils, and wavy dark blonde hair. Both my parents were Japanese, butthey had some very bizarre genetic anomalies or something, to cause such coloring.

No one had ever asked me if I had a family. Everyone just assumed that someone as scarred by the wars as I couldn't have a family, parents, siblings, a home. Not so. I was raised on L1. My mom died when I was four, and Sarah a year later. Like I said, I don't remember a father, but obviously I had one. I can vaguely remember a man's voice, but I must have been only three last time I saw him. I like to think he's dead, that no man could let a son exist for so long without trying to find him.

Even Relena, who was always so...adamant, is that the right word? I suppose it is. Even she, so adamant in her adoration of the 'Inhuman Heero Yuy' never bothered to see me as anything but the machine I was. She admired me for my strength, for my capability to take everything with a stoic facade, and act like nothing hurt. Well, what can I say? I had practice.

Maybe I loved her, in a way. She was like my mother. That innocent frailty. Sure, I was four, but I remember her asking me to be strong, when the jets flew overhead and Sarah would cry, my mother would ask me, a four year old, to be the strong one. Why me, I wonder now. Why did I have to be the strong one? Why couldn't I just collapse into my mother's caring embraces like any other four year old boy? I guess it was just never meant to be, ne?

I wasn't always this talkative. It used to be that I wouldn't open up. No, not wouldn't. I couldn't. Years of hard training with Odin, years of isolation with the disturbing Dr. J, incidents with my family, and the kind with 'Sarah', they locked me up. After the wars, Relena sent me to a shrink and all, trying to find out my disturbance. I knew what it was, though. I've always had this kind of hyper-awareness of myself and my motives. It's a part of that 'strength' she and my mom always wanted to share with me. But how could I tell this adoring girl I loved a man?

I didn't always love Duo Maxwell. In fact, in the beginning, I thought he was an arrogant, annoying, loudmouthed American like any other. He never shut up, and it seemed to me his volume switch was permanently set on "chafingly loud". That braid was always in my way, and more than once I found myself threatening to cut it off to shut him up. I was always certain he would get us caught or killed during a mission...not that I'd ever let him know that. Or would I ever let him know that I in fact planned on living a good many years past the war. Of course, as the 'perfect soldier' as he'd nick-named me, I had to be ready to die any time. There are times when being perfect can be a real pain.

And he did almost get us killed plenty of times. There was that time we escaped from the hospital, and I blacked out on the way down. I suppose if Relena and her voice that travels through space hadn't woke me up, I would've been in too many piece for repair at the bottom of the cliff.

There were so many battles we fought in together. And so many times during those I was certain his fighting techniques, focused more on getting out alive and less on the kamikaze kill-and-take-them-down-with-you methods would make the battlefield both our graves. But I never really gave him much thought. I figured, were my life a movie, or a television program, Relena would end up as my love interest, since she was the first girl I'd ever really noticed. But, I suppose you live and you learn.

We were lying around in my room one day. It was just after the Mariemaia incident, and I was staying with him and Hilde. I figured they'd be married soon and have kids on the way. I'd since figured out how I felt about him, and I knew I'd have to move out before he proposed to her; I'd had a mask on for ten years, but I didn't want it on forever, and it was starting to crack. If he proposed while I was around, it would most certainly self-destruct. Anyway, we were lying around in my room. That is, he was lying around. On my bed, to be exact. I'd already had to quash several urges to press him into the bed covers, crushing my lips onto his, my weight holding him down, our hands exploring each other...He was lying on my bed, and it took all my restraint not to. I sat at my desk, my back to him to help keep myself from doing anything to disgust him, clacking away at the computer as usual. I was having a particularly good game of solitaire.

We were discussing our love lives. Just great topic, right? At least, he was discussing his. I, of course, hadn't had much of anything ever happen to me, so there wasn't much from my end of the conversation. If I was to take all that he'd told me so far seriously, he had slept with half of the United States already, more than once. All female. Shit. And that was when he said it.

"Heero? You ever thought about a guy?"

"Hn." It was a questioning 'hn'. Really. He got my meaning, anyway.

"Come on, you know." He sat up, looking at me. I swiveled my chair around to get a good look at him. His hair was messed up from lyingfunny on my bed, and one strand in particular of the chestnut braid was sticking out in a bizarre fashion. I squelched the urge to reach out and smooth it down. My hand, which had already started moving, I quickly tucked under the other to my arms were folded across my chest as if I was trying to fend something off. Maybe a question. "Have you ever thought about doin' it with a guy? I mean..." He flopped back on the bed. Good. A rhetorical question. He was just musing at me. "I've done plenty of stuff with plenty of girls," I could practically see the eyebrow waggle here, even though his face was out of sight. "But I've never once had a guy."

"Hn."

"See, that's part of what I like about you, Heero. You're like a scientist. Open to anything." Huh? When did I say I was open to anything? I mean, hell yeah I was open to stuff with Duo, but when did 'hn' become 'let's make passionate monkey love'?

"I never said that." Shit! Did I just say that out loud?

"Oh really?" He sat back up. "So you really do have a stick up your ass. Come on, Heero," and suddenly, he was on my lap, legs spread to wrap around my body. "I know you've thought about it. There comes a time in every man's life where he just has to know..." Those eyes. So violet. And only centimeters from mine. Precious few centimeters. About seven point six nine two. Dammit, this was a bad time for my mind to be going analytical on me. His lips were less than five centimeters from mine now. "Haven't you ever thought about me, Heero? Or Trowa, maybe? Quatre? Naked, riding you like a horse...or maybe you're the one doing the riding. Maybe you-"

"Duo."

"Hm?" His eyebrows rose, but I barely saw them were were so close.

"Shut up." I kissed him.

I think the first time with a guy always hurts. The shrink said it made me sound promiscuous, but I don't think it was out of line for us to make love that afternoon. After all, we'd known each other for over a year, and the repressed sexual tension had been there for almost that long.

We fell, wrestling with each other onto the carpeting, the golden sunlight soft and warm on our shoulders. He ripped my shirt off me, and I pulled the band from his hair. I wanted to see it loose. I'd never seen hair like that. It fell like tawny silk over his body and down through my fingers. I was torn; I wanted to pull it, to rip long red gashes down his back in my passion. I wanted to undress him slowly, as if I were unwrapping a present, to be valued, and the wrapping to be kept and used again. I wanted the outrageous lust and the sweet, long awaited romance. He took the choice out of my hands by grappling his way to the top and pushing me down, into the blue and green braided rug Hilde had put on the floor.

"Hilde," I gasped, when at long last our lips parted. "What about...what about Hilde?" He laughed, the sweetest sound in the world, and one of the most common.

"What about her?" I guess he read the answer from my face. "You mean...you thought...she...and I...?" He was cracking up now, and our craving was forgotten for the moment. "No, Heero, we're just friends. She has a boyfriend in town. She's like my sister." And then his expression softened. I think he realized I'd been worried. "You mean...you care about me, Heero?"

"Hn."

"Say it. You care." I mumbled something, then glared at him as several probing fingers found their way to my belly button. "You mean you're not even ticklish? Well geez, there goes half of my foreplay," he griped and pouted in a completely adorable manner. I took advantage of the moment to place my hands on his shoulders and flip so I was on top. "Hey! You...cheater!"

They say the first time is painful. Maybe it was, a little. I barely noticed. They say it's not always fun. I certainly didn't notice that. With Duo...I think with him, watching coal turn to diamonds would be fun.

When did I first realize I loved him? Well, I dunno exactly. Probably during the Mariemaia incident. I'd been at the computer. Relena was missing again. Dammit, that girl was always getting kidnapped. She really needed some more suitable security. Duo came into the control room, curious as always about what I was doing. I explained it to him and left. I know he didn't mean for me to hear this, but as I was leaving, I heard him mutter, "Anything for the one you love." Something like that, anyway. He was always making comments like that.

No, maybe not quite then. That had left an inkling of...discomfort? Complication? Something was intruding on my mind, something foreign, that didn't feel quite right at the time. I didn't realize until later, when we were in the control room with Trowa, that it might be that I cared about him. I didn't realize it until it appeared we were to be caught and imprisoned and quite likely killed. And, well, like I said, it was my plan to live many many more years. I would definitely appreciate having Duo by my side for most of those years, so I wasn't planning on having either of us killed any time soon. So I knew I'd have to trick him.

"Hit me." I hated doing this to him, but I knew if he was conscious, he'd never be able to pretend otherwise; he was just too lively, too full of life. He looked doubtful, and it dawned on me that he didn't want to hurt me. I of course, having no confidence in my abilities to attract someone whatsoever, completely discounted that, and repeated myself. "Hit me. Now." The last word held the only tiniest hint of urgency.

He hit me. One fist, slamming hard into my cheek. I barely felt it. Part of me wanted to laugh...that was it? From "Shinigami"? That was the best he could do? He'd warmed it up and everything, pulling his fist back like a baseball player getting set up for the pitch. Then nothing. My head barely turned. But there wasn't any time for mental mocking of Duo...time for the betrayal. I could tell that was what it was, the second my fist slammed into his stomach. He bent forward, a loud "oof" coming out of him. I was terrified I'd popped a hole in him and he'd leak air like a blow-up doll. At least, I was for a moment, till I realized what a ridiculous thought that was. I caught him and handed him to Trowa. The other soldiers were practically breaking the door down, so I flopped down on the floor to look like I'd been wounded or killed. The door slipped open.

"Nothing to worry about here; I took care of it," from Trowa. I took the moment of confusion and sprinted for the door. There was more confusion as they all tried to figure out what was going on, but by then, the three of us were safe, and gone.

Needless to say, he was pissed when he woke up. I knew he would be; I'd be a fool not to have thought of it. "What the hell did you do that for, Yuy?" He ranted at me. I sat there. "You could've just told me, you know. You could have said, 'Duo, you need to look unconscious,' and I would've said, 'Ok, Heero. No problem,' and everything would've been great. You didn't have to knock all the air out of me like you were trying to prove a point or something. God dammit." He plopped down on the railing and ran a tense hand through his bangs. He had great hands, I was noticing. Concentrate, mission. My mind shifted gears, and I leaned nonchalantly against the wall.

"If you're quite finished, we have a mission now." And I stalked off. Of course, I heard him behind me, ranting. I'd have to be deaf not to hear him.

"Jesus, Yuy. For Chrissakes, can't we take a minute for me to catch my breath? You're just not human...not goddamn human. You're some kind of a robot, I'm telling you. Get up and wander all over the place and kill people and punch your friends and still be able to keep going...you're not human. You haven't got a heart."

What can I say? It stung. In fact, I was heartbroken. I'd just realized I loved this guy, and not only did I never have even the remotest chance with him, but he thought I didn't have a heart. It all just hit the proverbial fan, just like that. I could hear the proverbial door-slamming, the proverbial flushing of all my chances. I just...I really hate it when people you care about say things like that. Even if they apologize, which Duo did, after the crisis was over and he'd cooled down, even if they apologize, words like that carve their way into you and stay with you forever.

But he did apologize, and deep down I appreciate the gesture, even if I didn't show it at the time. We were assigned a cleanup out by the rebellious colony the day we destroyed the Gundams. He was still pretty broken up over the loss of Deathscythe. I could understand. That big piece of machinery had pretty much been the constant in his life since the loss of the Maxwell Church, and now it was gone. When we left, he picked up a piece of shrapnel lying on the ground and put it in the pocket. It was a small piece of the thermal scythe, from the part where the blade would flip out. I walked ahead to give him a few minutes alone. And, indeed, a few minutes later, he came up the trail, looking a little sad, but none the worse for the wear, really. We started back towards HQ. I was walking pretty quickly because I knew if we took much longer we'd be late, and although Lady Une is nicer now, she's still very punctual. Duo trailed along behind me in a glum fashion.

"Oi, oi, Heero?" He'd stopped walking, so I stopped too, to turn and look at him.

"Hn?"

"I'm sorry 'bout what I said back there. It was outta line," he started walking again, to catch up to me.

"It's ok. It's already forgotten." Like hell it was forgotten. To this day I remember what he said, but I wouldn't admit it to him on my soul.

"You do have a heart," he continued. "You're just damn good at hiding it." Something about the whole thing just suddenly became incredibly funny. I can't explain it, there is no logical rationale, but suddenly I felt very very happy inside. Somewhere inside my chest, and I grinned, clapping him on the back with one hand.

"Forget about it," and I left him behind me, wondering what had just happened.

He asked me that night about my past. About my family. Duo Maxwell cared about my past. We lay, wrapped in each other's warmed limbs on the rug, and I picked him up, moving him to the bed. We sat there, lapped in the rough blankets I prefered over the softer ones Hilde was always offering. I leaned against his chest, one hand wrapped around a lock of his hair, feeling the silky softness of it slide through my fingers. It was like a memory, that golden afternoon, him dozing on top of me, his hands messing with my hair.

"Jesus, Yuy, do you have enough knots in your hair? Have you ever even seen a comb?" He teased, picking his way through the mop on my head. I relished the feel of his fingers entwined with my hair, loosing the knots that had been there since I was four or five. I tried to glare up at him, but it must have had an averse reaction upside down, because he laughed. "I was teasing." We lay there a while longer, then he began talking again. "You remember your family, Heero?" Of course I remembered a little. "Y'know, the people who made you?" I knew he was teasing again, but somehow that insulted me. I sat up, away from him.

"Of course I do, Duo. What kind of a person forgets their family?" Silence. "You don't remember your family?"

A shake of the head. Shit. It was like me to say something in anger for once, and end up hurting someone I cared about. "They died when I was really small. I remember Solo though, and Father Maxwell, and Sister Helen. I like to think Solo was really my brother, and that Sister Helen and Father Maxwell would've gotten married eventually." He laughed. "I guess it's silly, isn't it? After all, they were devoted to the Faith. But I couldn't help hoping that someday they might get married and adopt me and Solo and take us away from everything, maybe take us back to Earth. It was silly, but I wanted them to be a real family for me." I was silent. Duo kept talking, his eyes closed and face glowing with the memory. "Sister Helen was real pretty, especially for a nun. She had long blonde hair and eyes a little like mine. And Father Maxwell, he was really tall, with fluffy white hair that stuck out all over the place, and blue eyes. But Solo, he was like you. He was a loner, and had dark hair and lighter eyes. He was a couple years older than me..." He stopped, eyes opening, blushing just a little as he saw me watching him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to go on like that."

"It's ok. Reminded me a little of my family," I found myself smiling. Not that I smile a lot, it's generally just a tiny tuck of one corner of my mouth. He smiled broadly back at me.

"Really? Tell me about them, Heero. Let me pretend for a little while that we grew up together. Let me pretend I knew your family and that they were mine." He leaned back so his head was on my lap, hair spread out like a lily pad, the tiny strands lightly tickling my bare skin.

"Well, there was my mom. Her name was Sayoko..." And I told him everything I knew and assumed about my family, about my mother's resemblance to me, about the times she'd disappear for hours on end and return with so precious little money. I told him about Sarah, and her honey blonde hair, and her dark exotic eyes. I told him that I never had a father. I told him about how I came home from begging one day to find my mother's body half-crushed under a wall, and my sister gone, and a strange man standing there, in what was left of our home. "Do you think there was something wrong with me for going with him?" I asked Duo, before I'd even realized I'd said it. I'd often wondered if there'd been something wrong with me for leaving my mother dead there and my sister gone.

"Of course not," he said, quite reasonably. "I know what you mean...you wonder if you're crazy for leaving your family, right? That's how I felt when I left Sister Helen under the pews. But I was seven, you were four. What were we going to do, Heero?"

"I guess you're right, but it's always bugged me." He carressed my hand gently, drawing small circles on the palm with a thumb. "I killed a little girl, Duo. And her dog...she reminded me so much of my sister. It's haunted me for so long..." And slowly, in my warm room in Hilde's house, everything the shrink had been trying to get out of my poured forth.

It's been months since we first made love. He hasn't told me he loves me, and I've never said it to him, either. It's as though, somehow, if we were to say something like that, the magic might end, the dream might be ripped up. The memory of my mother and my sister, and the memory of 'Sarah' and her dog are faded now, worn, like a letter read too many times. I can almost see the creases from where I folded them up and put them in the back of my mind.

Duo's the only one who hasn't called me crazy for what I did. One day, about two months ago, I tried telling Relena and the shrink what I told him, about my family, about the little girl. The shrink fed me some shit about how I couldn't help the girl, and he prescribed some drugs to 'help calm me'. I very calmly told him what he could do with the prescription, ripped it up, and left.

As for Relena, she cried and tried to hold me, like it would help. When I told her about the little girl, she gasped, and when I explained about the dog, her eyes were so tearful I wanted to scream. No one but Duo lets me just talk. They all say they'll listen, but Relena gasps and cries and sends me to the shrink, who tries to put me on more drugs. No more medication. It's over. I'm not crazy, I'm not as scarred by the war as they all think I am.

I have Duo, and I love him, and for me, that's enough.

Maybe I'm as sensitive as I say.

Finis.