Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Wanting Life ❯ Wanting Life ( Chapter 1 )

Friendship. . .

I barely know the meaning of the word.

My only knowledge comes from my encounters with you. . .

To be honest. . .

What you offered scared me. That's quite a feat, as I don't scare easily.

However, I was eager to accept it, but hesitant to give it back. . .

Years of being hurt prevent me from completely trusting you. I know that one-day you'll betray me and admit to simply using me. It is inevitable.

So I enjoy your company. . . your time. . . but all the while, keep my walls high around myself to protect me.

There's only so close, I'll allow you to come near. . .

You were frustrated, but you still cared.

I could see it on your face. . . the way your eyes glimmered with emotions I couldn't fathom. The way your smile lit up the whole room. . .

Everything was comfortable.

But then you offered me something. . . that I least expected.

You offered me love.

I barely know the meaning of friendship. . . Love isn't even in my vocabulary.

At first. . . I admit. . . the notion of someone loving me. . .

Especially you loving me. . .

Made my heart soar. . .

I felt waves of warm emotions that were unfamiliar to me. . .

I felt alive.

Having no name. Having no family, no home, no past. . .

Made me feel as if I weren't a real person.

Not feeling emotions made me think I had no heart. . .

Like I wasn't human. . .

But here you were. . .

Offering me those things freely, with everything you could muster and more!

And what do I do?

I throw it back in your face and run like the coward I am.

It's interesting. . . almost amusing if you think about it. . .

I can face an ambush when I'm outgunned 100 to 1. . .

And never flinch.

I've seen more blood and chaos then is even imaginable, things that should only exist in Bad Slasher Horror flick. . .

And it doesn't faze me.

But you show me the slightest bit of kindness?

I run like a sissy.

You see? I've gotten used to not being human.

I did the only thing that I could do. . .

Running on impulse, and not thinking things through. . .

And I pushed you away. . .

And I caused you pain. . .

And the light in your eyes went out.

I had killed something most precious without even realizing it.

Here I am. . .

Running my fingers through your golden hair in a way I never could before.

Every once of me is threatening to fall apart. . .

As I stare at your expressionless face.

I may have told you that I didn't love you. . .

That I couldn't stand you. . .

That I was in love with someone else. . .

Oh, God!

Was I really that harsh?

It was all lies!

Don't you see?

You're the only one for me!

You're the only one that I could open myself up for!

Only you!

And now you're gone. . .

Reading your note. . . Seeing your lifeless body. . .

A grief-stricken regret fills me and all I can do is scream!

Me!

Who has barely ever spoken a full conversation. . .

Can only scream as tears escape from their prison behind my emotionless mask.

As I cradle you. . .

I find myself praying to whatever deity may listen. . .

That they would bring you back to me. . .

Because I don't want to be alone!

Because I don't want my walls to protect me!

Because I don't to be inhuman!

I want to be alive!

And you. . .

Were my life.

I want you back.

I want to say, "I'm sorry."

To hold you forever. . .

And tell you. . .

"I love you."

-Trowa Barton

A.C 198