Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Welcome to Stalking 101 ❯ Stalking 101 ( Chapter 1 )

Rating: G

Summary: Hi, my name is Relena Peacecraft and I want to welcome you to stalking for beginners. R&R

Disclaimer: I wish I owned them, I also wish I was a millionaire and married to Orlando Bloom but what ya gonna do?

A/N Written ages ago before being dragged up and given the kiss of life. Originally was a French essay which I had to write and then translate on the topic `My Hobby.' I wrote about stalking and a friend of mine wrote about world dictatorship - shrugs - go figure.

Welcome to Stalking 101

Hi, my name is Relena Peacecraft and I want to welcome you to stalking for beginners. Here are 10 simple steps in an easy-to-understand format that is guaranteed to get your crush to notice you.

Lesson 1 - What Stalking Is

Basically stalking is following your chosen victim/subject/darling/loved one/object of your obsession around until they crack, and admit you are what they have wanted all along.

Lesson 2 - Study Your Target

When I first met my soul mate - Heero Yuy. I saved his life and he tried to blow himself up - sighs - it was the perfect meeting. I was all set to stalk him until I realised that I had no idea who he was, where he lived or if he already had a stalker. I had made a classic mistake and as such could have lost my Heero, find out if there is anyone you need to dispose of first. Eliminate any rivals ASAP, blow them up, shoot them, behead them, anything so they wont interfere with your plans.

Lesson 3 - Be Persistent

No matter how many times your beloved threatens to kill/maim/castrate you, you know they love you really, your sweetheart is just playing hard to get. I didn't let Heero's first death threat put me off, or the second, or the third, or the fourth.

I was proved correct in the end, he did love me, he couldn't shoot me, the fact that he had two bullet holes in him is irrelevant, he's Heero Yuy, he wouldn't have let that stop him if he really wanted me dead.

Don't let distance put you off either, read their mail, bug their transportation, hire the best private detectives in the world, anything so you know where they are, where they are headed next and with whom. Follow them to the Ant-Arctic if you have to, just wear more than a scarf, it tends to get rather chilly.

Lesson 4 - Be Patient

Stalking is a very worthwhile pastime but be careful, if you haven't stalked them for long enough for them to get used to you, you are in danger of being shot by their security team (if they're rich enough) or them (If you happen to be stalking an ex-gundam pilot).

Lesson 5 - Get Their Attention and Keep It.

If they are worthy of a stalking they must have a caring bone in their body somewhere, playing the Damsel In Distress card will help immensely here. Your hero will not be able to resist the wounded heroine act for very long. In fact I would recommend standing at the top of a cliff and screaming for them to come and kill you. This is bound to bring your rescuer running to save you wondering what's wrong. It's not something they will forget in a hurry either.

Lesson 6 - Allow Your Saviour's White Knight Tendencies to Show.

One of the best ways to do this is by throwing yourself into the most dangerous situations possible as often as possible. Jump in front of assassins bullets, tie yourself to a railroad tracks, be relentless in giving them a chance to show their interest, they can't ignore you forever.

Lesson 7 - Show Them Their Opinion Matters

One of the best ways to do this is by ignoring all other advice until your sweetheart voices an opinion. One of the best ways to do this is by showing you have complete faith in their opinion, for example, wait until the enemy are nearly at your countries borders before you listen to advice, coming from your beloved naturally, about possibly investing in some troops.

Lesson 8 - Be a Bit Different

Being royalty is good, being Queen of the World is better. But even then don't hesitate to let your vulnerable side shine through. And, if you happen to ever find yourself on the wrong side of a semi-automatic held by your stalked, don't scream, bow your head, look vulnerable, tug at his heart strings, don't worry though, there's no way they'd ever shoot you.

Lesson 9 - Don't Gloat

After he realises his true feelings and blows up the fortress you are being held prisoner in, the perfect spot for some post-war cuddling, don't revel in your triumph, the actions you are taking now will determine the rest of your life. Your champion will hate weakness, especially in himself, so if he collapses laughing is probably not the best idea. Be caring, be kind, be understanding, stroke his hair and hold him to your breast. If they have any taste at all they'll never want to move, even upon awakening from their unconscious state.

Lesson 10 - Be Cautious

Caution, remove any beepers/pagers/mobile/cell phones before hauling your prey off happily, they don't really want to call the police, your overwhelming personality has just stunned them. You just need a small amount of time for your beloved to understand their feelings and come to adore you. Until that time, keep them away from pay phones.

Now for the happy ending. If you follow very simple 10 point plan there is no reason why you and your sweetie pie can't ride off into the sunset in a gundanium carriage, well you wouldn't want them escaping, would you?

Owari

A/N Right then, that was… weird. Loved it? Hated it? Either way review and tell me why.