Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ When We Were Young ❯ Wash Away My Pain ( Chapter 11 )

A/N: I know what everyone's thinking… "FINALLY!" And you have a right to be a lil….um…upset. It took wwwaaaayyyy longer than I planned to get this chapter out. But hey, I made it extra-long in an attempt to compensate. **sigh**…I always feel so guilty when I'm late for an update…=(

FYI: Flashbacks are in italics. Lyrics are in ***three stars*** You can skip the flashbacks and lyrics and the chapter would still make sense. I just thought it was a neat effect to add those in.

Disclaimer: I don't own 'em…so don't sue me coz I don't haf enough money for a good lawyer to kick your arse!!!!! ^_^ ehehehe…moving on…I also don't own the song "Fade" by Staind. I'm just using some of their lyrics coz they fit so well with the chapter. The second set of lyrics is from Nina Astrom's "It's Hard," and I don't own them either.

"Wash Away My Pain"

Noin took a long drink of her iced tea, relishing in the way it slid coolly down her dry throat. For two weeks her and Zechs had been savoring their new positions. They had graduated to second-year cadets, and no longer subjected to first-year hazing. She was broken out of her reverie by her best friend's questioning voice.

"My dorm or your dorm for studying? We have that strategic test on Monday," Zechs said, slipping Noin's iced tea from her hand and taking a sip. His water bottle lay empty on his dinner tray.

Noin appeared thoughtful for a moment. Of course, how could she have forgotten about the test? It must have slipped her mind. She had been quite busy with all of her homework. It seemed that training was impossibly hard the first week or two; it was as if the instructors tried to wheedle out all the weaker cadets from the start, to see who was committed to their training.

But wait, the test was scheduled for the 6th…which meant that today was the 5th…

Noin stood up abruptly, taking the now empty iced tea bottle from Zechs's hands.

"Study by yourself tonight," she said quickly, being more curt than she intended, but she was too far in her memories to notice. She turned and quickly tossed the contents of her lunch in the trashcan. She was so intent on getting out of the mess hall, that she missed the look of utter shock laced with hurt on Zechs's face.

Flopping onto her bed in her dorm room, Noin buried her raven head in her pillow. She had been so immersed in her training that she had totally forgot what today was. She was disgusted with herself for her lack of regard.

For today was the two-year anniversary of her parents' deaths.

Although half of her wanted to think it was okay for her to forget, her heart just didn't believe it. It wasn't fair that they would die for her, only to have Noin forget about them two years later. Such sacrifices could never go unnoticed. Truthfully, sacrifices in general should not go unnoticed, no matter how little…or big they were. Noin believed, that when one's sacrifice went ignored, it might as well have been in vain. So if she allowed herself to forget, and to move on with her life…well then that would be like forgetting their deaths.

And, as the young Italian believed, if she let go of her memories then she let go of what was left of her parents. Then again, what would her parents want? They certainly wouldn't want her sad, but if they were forgotten then their deaths would have been worthless. Why did they die for her, anyway?

So she could live?

Learn?

Love? Noin honestly did not know. Such thoughts had never plagued her beforehand, which was actually quite surprising given the circumstances.

So, instead of feeling sorrowful and abandoned, she should feel cared for and grateful? "No," thought Noin, "That doesn't feel right." How could she ever feel grateful that her parents were murdered? Lucrezia felt so confused, like her stomach was all knotted up, and her chest felt too tight, and her head was a whirlwind of emotions, making her feel very alone. That feeling sometimes came upon her…like she would never be happy again. It was like this cold dread and emptiness; her very heart was a void and no matter what she did she could never fill the bleakness within. That was what Noin felt like now, and she immediately decided she didn't like the feeling, for try as she might, she couldn't cry. Everything had dried up long ago.

"Mom, what's going on?"

"Lu, go out the back door!"

Dreams came to Lucrezia less and less frequently. The young Italian had almost forgot what it was like to sleep through the night peacefully, and being able to drift off into a deep and oblivious sleep was as close to heaven as she had ever been. But once in awhile, during class even, she would be off in a daydream, and then her thought would suddenly be interrupted by distant memories. It was distracting, and Noin feared the worst if it happened on the battlefield. It may even cost Noin her own life, or even worse the life of one of her comrades.

***I try to breathe,

Memories overtaking me.

I try to face them,

But the thought is too much to conceive.***

"But-"

"Keep running…and don't listen."

It would be especially terrible if she cost the life of Zechs. He was the only person she had come to care about since she left home, and she could never forgive herself if she caused him any injury, let alone his life. But that was a choice Noin would have to make. Either try to forget about that night two years ago…

Or risk hurting her new friend.

***I only know that I can change,

Everything else just stays the same.

So now I step out of the darkness that my life became

'cause…***

"But what about you?"

"Don't stop!"

Noin sat up in her bed, unconscious of the tears flowing silently down her cheeks; she couldn't feel them, they came from deep in her heart where her grief was buried. But she had come to a decision: the past was just what it was…the past, and she shouldn't let it control her life. Lucrezia wouldn't forget her parents, but she wouldn't let the past haunt her dreams and cause her to hurt her friends.

Noin's violet eyes flew open in shock. She had left Zechs alone in the mess hall…and she had snapped at him. The raven-haired cadet groaned, twisting her fingers in her hair in agitation. There had been no reason to be so cruel to her best friend; he had done nothing to deserve her anger. Noin hopped off her bed, and quickly exited her dorm. Time for some serious apology…not to mention some explaining. It was time Zechs knew the truth.

~*~*~*~*~*After Noin Left The Mess Hall~*~*~*~*~*~

Zechs blinked slowly, staring after his friend's retreating form. _That_ was unexpected, what did he do? Well whatever he did, it sure upset Noin. The blonde grimaced; he always seemed to be hurting people when it was really the last thing he wanted to do. Well he really should figure out what he did to upset her…so he could say sorry. Then again…maybe it would be best if she left him alone. Lately he had been tempted to tell Noin about his past, but then he would be putting himself in danger as well as her. Maybe he should let her go.

***It's hard to say I'm sorry,

It's hard to admit***

Zechs dumped his tray's contents into the trashcan, making a beeline out of the mess hall and into his dormitory. For some reason he always seemed to mess everything up. He laughed humorously: meet the amazing Zechs Merquise, the biggest fuck-up known to man. Noin had looked pretty upset. He hated the way her violet eyes would get glassy when she was sad…and he hated even worse when her lip trembled. Of course, he had never been the cause of her grief before…and he didn't like the feeling, to say the least. It may not seem so…but Zechs didn't like causing people pain. Of course, he'd have to get over that if he was ever going to be a good soldier. Let his little sister, Relena, be the diplomat. He would avenge his family.

But being a soldier didn't mean he had to hurt the people he cared about. And, looking back on it, there were only two people he would never want to hurt: Relena...and Noin. The worst part was, he had already hurt one of them…and, even if he didn't know what he did, he hated himself all the same. Perhaps he should live with his revulsion of himself…after all, he couldn't very well have a high self-esteem if he was to become a murderer.

The son of a pacifist king becomes a murder under a new alias. How ironic.

***Even when I start to worry

about the wrong things that I did***

Zechs had told himself he would never resort to…other means of ridding himself of memories, but tonight he chose to ignore that vow. Reaching under his bed, the teen pulled out a six-pack of beer. Zechs had never drunk before, so he figured a six-pack was enough to make him forget. He didn't want to remember his mother's pain, or the pain he caused Noin. It wasn't fair how everyone he cared for ended up hurt; it seemed he was destined to live a solitary life. If he was alone, there was no way for him to harm anyone anymore.

Popping the top of one of the bottles, Zechs threw his head back and downed half the bottle's contents. The blonde cadet was hard-pressed to keep a straight face. Did people actually like this stuff? The bitter liquid left a foul aftertaste, but Zechs wanted to forget more than anything. For one night, Zechs would do something he had never done before. He would take the easy way out of his problems; travel the past of least resistance. Tipping the bottle upside-down, he finished off the first bottle and tossed it to the side carelessly. One didn't help; it just wasn't enough to forget.

***It's hard to be openhearted

about the things we'd like to hide.***

Pulling the top off of another bottle, Zechs chugged its contents as well. Standing up angrily, the cadet punched his pillow to vent his frustration. It wasn't working…two bottles and he could remember so clearly. Why couldn't he forget? All this guilt was built up inside him, and his body and mind couldn't take much more of the pressure. All of the things he wanted to forget were becoming even more embedded in his mind. It seemed as if a collage was painted in his mind. Pasted together was of everything that made him hurt, all the people who had been harmed because of him. Why wasn't he forgetting? It wasn't supposed to happen like this!

Grabbing a third bottle, Zechs drank this one a little more slowly, crinkling his nose in distaste at the foul beverage. What would his father think of him? Even though Zechs knew very little of his father, he understood without a shadow of a doubt that King Peacecraft would be sorely disappointed in him. In truth, Zechs was also disappointed in himself. His heart was encased in self-loathe.

Sighing, Zechs put down a third one, automatically reaching for his fourth bottle. Now he just felt quite waterlogged, but memories still invaded his mind. And, even though his heart wanted to think of every sad thought in his memory, he forced himself to think of time when he felt truly happy. True, the teen had few joyous memories, but, now that he thought about it, every happy memory he possessed involved his best friend, Noin. And now, he was going to let her run away without asking her why. So did that mean that if he let her go he would be letting go of the only happiness he had ever known?

Such thoughts spate the young teen, and he just had to wonder: when had Lucrezia Noin become so important to him? When had she gone from being a friendly acquaintance to essential to him? It seemed he needed her, like water, like food, like the every breath in his body. Why did he feel that if he never saw her again his life would be empty? Zechs stared at the now empty fourth bottle with revulsion; this shit must be messing with his head. There was no way he needed Noin! That was absurd, because as far as he was concerned, Zechs Merquise wasn't good enough for her. He was training for revenge, and soon his hands would be tainted with the blood of hundreds of soldiers; men with lives they would never be able to go back to. Why was Noin becoming a soldier?

***We feel we'll lose face

if we share what wasn't right.***

Zechs took a large gulp of his fourth bottle…or wait…was it his fifth? Now that he tried to think they were all blending together. Standing up on shaky legs, he attempted to get to the small bathroom…he just needed to run his head under some water. He tugged off his helmet…it just made things worse. His brain felt murky…and…so did his vision. In fact, everything was foggy. His hearing was screwed up too…he honestly thought he heard Noin calling his name.

Zechs never made it to the bathroom; his legs gave way underneath him and his mind went blank after hitting the floor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Back With Noin <a/n: dontcha just luuuurve these scene changes?~_^>~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Noin walked briskly through the corridor, trying to hurry while keeping a low profile, which is a difficult thing to accomplish, let me tell you. To say that she was greatly disappointed in herself would be the understatement of all time. She had no reason to be cruel to Zechs…hell he was asking about studying. _Studying!_ For Chrissake, she blew up on the poor guy 'cause he asked about a fucking test!

Trying to hold back her own self-loathe, Noin banged on Zechs's door, forgetting to be inconspicuous. After hearing no response, the Italian began to get a little worried.

"Zechs!" she called softly, trying to be loud and quiet at the same time…which is quite a hard thing to do, "Open up, Zechs…are you in there?"

A thump resounding from inside his dorm erased all rational thought from Noin's head. She grabbed the doorknob, not really expecting it to be unlocked. Her face portrayed her shock when the doorknob turned easily in her hand, and she pushed it open and stepped inside. Failing to remember politeness, Noin rushed into her friend's dorm, crying out in pain and shock when she saw his still form lying on the floor. Once again he didn't have his helmet on, and his platinum blonde hair pooled around him.

"Dammit, Zechs, what in the world happened?" Noin asked, though it was mainly to herself…for Zechs lay unmoving. The teen sped to his side, turning him over so he was lying on his back, facing up. She could easily smell the alcohol, and her stomach wrenched at the thought of what the blonde must have done to himself. Further inspection brought Lucrezia to the empty bottles lying haphazardly across the floor. Noin's throat constricted painfully. "I did this to him," she thought, sick with her own self-odium.

***To ask for forgiveness

is not the easiest thing to do.***

Noin placed a tentative hand on her friend's cheek, calling out to him softly to see if he would rouse. When she got nothing but silence, the girl began to feel despair. Slipping her arms under Zechs's arms, she half-carried half-dragged her unconscious friend across the small room and beside his bed. Supporting his back with one arm and slipping another arm under his knees, Noin was able to deposit Zechs on his bed without breaking a sweat. For a lack of nothing better to do, Noin pulled his military boots off, and yanked the bed sheets from underneath the still blonde before placing them over his motionless form.

To busy herself--and to keep from thinking about the guilt plaguing her--Noin busied herself with cleaning up the empty beer bottles, all the while her face was contorted with a mixture of distaste and sorrow. Distaste directed at herself and sorrow for her friend who felt he needed to resort to alcohol to get rid of his problems. Tossing the empty bottles in the trash, the young cadet opened the sixth bottle, and drained its contents into the sink before tossing it in the trashcan too.

"He's gonna have one helluva hangover," Noin thought, and sent a silent prayer, thanking God that tomorrow was Saturday and they had a break from classes. She then returned to his bedside, prepared for a long midnight vigil, but, as she felt, it was the only way she could repay him for the hurt she caused.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Noin woke up, her mind groggy for a moment as she tried to remember where in the world she was. Then the recollection of last night's events flew back to her, as well as her guilt. Standing up on cramped legs, she realized she had fallen asleep with her head rested on Zechs's bed…and said person was apparently still asleep. A quick glance at the clock told Noin it was four in the morning. He should be waking up pretty soon…or if not, then the sleep is a real sleep and not an alcohol-induced sleep.

***But it's all worth the effort

because it all comes back to you.***

Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, the Italian surveyed her sleeping friend curiously. He should be waking up any minute…

As if her thoughts were his alarm clock, Zechs's ice blue eyes opened slowly, looking very heavy-lidded. He saw Noin standing beside him and tried to sit up, only to collapse back on his bed. His head ached painfully, and it felt as if hundreds of tiny dwarves were pounding hammers against his brain. He grimaced at his choice of a simile, and offered no objection when he felt a mug being slipped into his hands, nor did he protest when Noin's hands steadied his own and helped him tip the cup back, taking a long draught of coffee, waiting for the caffeine to work through his system. When he had finished the cup, he finally looked up and met his friend's violet eyes.

"I guess I have some explaining to do," Noin said softly, and her eyes looked down towards her hands, which were fiddling nervously in her lap. She missed the look of shock on Zechs's face; "I-I'm sorry…" she trailed off, and licked her lips, trying to find the right way to tell him what she was about to tell him. She decided to just go with the truth.

"When I was twelve, I became what my father would say, 'Too smart for my own good.' I knew something was going to happen…something bad…but my parents never told me anything," she said, running a shaking hand through her raven locks before continuing, "Then one night there was a knock on our door. I didn't think anything of it, until some soldiers barged in and began yelling at my father. I couldn't hear what they were saying, because my mother was covering my ears. She told me to run out the back door, because she knew the men were violent…and she knew that they'd stop at nothing to get what they want. She didn't want me to get caught up in the war…she wanted me to live a happy normal life, and to be ignorant to what was going around me. But I knew; they didn't hide it from me well enough. My father had been a guard of King Peacecraft of the *Cinq Kingdom. He had escaped the attack when Cinq fell, but the Alliance had been searching for him. Th-that night they murdered my mom and dad."

Zechs's fists clenched tightly. So Noin had been hurt by the Alliance too…and what more, she was the daughter of a Cinq knight!

"Yesterday," she started again, and Zechs redirected his attention back to her, "was the two-year anniversary of their death…and…I forgot!"

Zechs nodded in understanding, but could find no words to condole his friend. Then he realized…she had told him her greatest secret. She must have faked her way into the Academy, and if she was found the least that could happen was she'd be dishonorably discharged. He ran a hand through his bangs, only mildly surprised to find that his helmet was off. She had seen him once before without his helmet, what difference could it make? Anyway, if he went through with what he wanted he would never need his mask around her again…

***It's hard to make the first step

it's hard to make that call

to explain and to unwrap

what is painful to us all.***

"I know that's no excuse for being rude to you," Noin said, still refusing to meet her friend's intense gaze, "but I still wanted to say that I'm sorry…"

Zechs touched his hand to her cheek softly, trying to comfort the raven-haired girl. She didn't flinch away, nor did she look up.

"I understand…" he began, but was cut off abruptly by Noin backing away from him.

"How can you understand!" she asked, although her voice was not loud her tone indicated her hurt and confusion, "How can you know what it's like to have everything you ever knew ripped away from you? To be thrown into a world where you have to grow up too soon, and you are forced to acknowledge things when you would rather pretend things are normal…how would you know what that's like?"

Zechs didn't correct her right away, nor did he interrupt her. As far as she knew, he came from a rich family who was paying his way through the Academy. But now he was certain: she had a right to know. Sitting up in bed, Zechs reached out a hand and grabbed a hold of Noin's hand, pulling her closer so she was sitting beside him on the bed. Even when she was seated, he didn't release her hand; rather he intertwined their fingers.

"My father," he said to begin, because, truthfully, he had no idea how to say what needed to be said. He licked his dry lips and continued, "My father…well, he was a pacifist and held his beliefs very strongly. He had many followers, and so many people were loyal to him. Others, saw him as a threat."

Noin studied Zechs's profile carefully as he talked, trying to decide where this was leading. This story sounded familiar, but she couldn't quite place its origin.

Zechs decided to stop beating around the bush and got straight to the point.

"I have a younger sister," he said, looking over at Lucrezia, "her name is Relena. My real name…it…it isn't Zechs Merquise," Noin glanced up sharply and Zechs caught her gaze before continuing, "My real name is Milliardo Peacecraft."

Noin's violet eyes flew open in shock, staring at her friend unbelievingly. Her mouth hung slack, but she didn't know what to say. She didn't have to, because Zechs wasn't finished.

"When Cinq was attacked," he said, "my mother tried to find Relena and I so we could escape. She told me to find Relena, so when I found my sister I tried to find our mother so we could all escape." Noin felt Zechs's hand clench around her own and she rubbed her thumb across his knuckles soothingly.

"I…I saw them kill my mother. And…I mean…it wasn't quick, Noin they beat her to death!" Zechs made a move to stand up but Noin held him back, and wrapped her arms around his waist.

And then Noin cried into Zechs's shoulder.

Zechs was surprised, but wrapped his arms around his friend and held her body close, rocking her back and forth and murmuring sweet nothings into her ear. For once he didn't calculate his moves, just let instinct take over as he rocked his sobbing friend. It was a long time before Noin quieted, for she wasn't crying only for herself.

She cried for her own losses, as well as those of Zechs. She cried because she knew Zechs refused to.

***But when pride is being conquered

it's a great thing, my friend.

No guilt, no "shame on you"

You can start all over again.***

A/N: How was it???? I liked this chapter a lot…I think it turned out pretty good. I hope ya liked the Zechs x Noin semi-sappiness. There's more where that came from..but…uh, it's currently sitting around in my fluff-ball filled brain. I'll get the next one out asap! ^_^

Luvvies, KaT aka Mistress Shinigami

P.S. PPPLLLLEEAAAASSSEEE review! Even if ya don't realize it, your reviews mean the world to me! ^_^